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JOHN BULL’S BIBLE 


OR, MEMOIRS 


OF THE 

STEWARDSHIP AND STEWARDS 


3Iofm 'Bull*# afjanoc of ©teat aHrion 

FROM 

THE EARLIEST TIMES TO THE PRESENT. 


Populum falsis vocibus 
Dedocet uti.— Hor 






























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JOHN BULL’S BIBLE; 

OH, jMEMOIRS 

OP THE 

STEWARDSHIP AND STEWARDS 


of $reat Litton, 


THE EARLIEST TIMES TO THE PRESENT : 

SHEWING, 

FIRST-HOW JOHN BULL’S STEWARDS SEIZED INTO THEIR OWN HANDS HIS 

MANOR OP ALBION, AND BECAME MASTERS BOTH OF niM AND OF HIS 

ESTATE. ' '' 


gofm Bull’s iRanor 

FROM 


SECOND.—BY WHAT STEPS THE BULL FAMILY HAVE RECOVERED, AT LEAST THE 
NOMINAL POSSESSION OF THEIR MANOR AND RIGHTS. 

WITH SOME STRICTURES ON THE NOTORIOUS COMMERCE OF PROSTITUTION AND 
ADULTERY, CARRIED ON BETWEEN THE CLERKS AND SCRIVENERS OF THE 
STEWARD’S OFFICE AND MRS. BULL’S DOMESTICS 5 BY WHICH THE ABOVE 
RECOVERY IS RENDERED IN EFFECT NULL AND VOID. 


!/ 



PUBLISHED BY GEORGE CGWIE AND CO. POULTRY: AND SOLD BY J. DRAKARD, 
STAMFORD, AND BY ALL BOOK8ELLERS IN THE KINGDOM. 

J. Drakard, Printer, Stamford 


1SI6. 




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TRULY RESPECTABLE, 


AND 

HIGHLY RESPECTED GENTLEMAN, 


JOHN BULL, ESQ. 


AND TO 


€tiecg Genuine ©on of tfoe 'Bull jFamtlg; 


THESE MEMOIRS ARE HUMBLY INSCRIBED, 


BY THEIR 


MOST FAITHFUL, 


AND MOST DEVOTED SERVANT, 


DEMODOCUS POPLICOLA. 































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ERRATA. 

Pape 21, Line 15—for thi Read this. 

P. 25, Contents of Chapter 1, L. 1—for Introduction R. Intrusion * 

P. 31, L. last—for once R. one. 

P. 32, Contents of Chapter 2, L. 4—for shooting R. sporting. 

P. 41, L. 1—for Euposia R. Euporia. 

P. 42, L. 1 — for not now only R» now not only. 

Ps. 50 and 51—N. B. The Notes at the bottom of these two Pages to be 
transposed—That at Page 50 belongs to Page 51—and that at 51 to 
50.—Overlooking this may occasion confusion through the whole 
"Work. 

P. 52, L. 21—for becam every R. became very. 

P. 83, L. 1—erase and before Punishments. 

P. 87, L. 18—for Jubulies R. Jubilees. 

P. 94, L. 18—for Gentlemen R. Gentlewomen. 

P. 94, L. penult.—for County R. Country. 

P. 95, L. 20—for Prostitutes R. Prostitution. 

P. 120, L. 28 — insert the before Stewardship. 

P. 153, L. 25—for Agent R. Agents. 

P. 202, L. 17—omit of after itself. 

P. 209, L. 24—for impositions R. imposititious. 

P. 214, L. 6—for clown R. town, or loon. 

P. 216, L. 1—for affairs R. affair. 

P. 267, L. 29—for impositious R. imposititious. 

P. 268, L. 12—omitted in the Margin— H —cks — n, of R—th — ll—t. 

P. 270, Contents of Chapter 6, L. 1—for descendant R. descendants. 

P. 272, L. 17—for Dispensitoris R. Dispensatoris. 

P. 273, L. 5—for his R. this. 

P. 277, L. 10—for Cognitia R. Cognita 

P. 280, L. penult.—Note—for Professed R. Profess 

P. 310, JL. 7—for atal R. fatal. 


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PROLEGOMENA 

9 *" i \* 0 : IT XT 

*. • • . , « i '■ 

TO 

r ■ j ,, ■, , <•*»,., ,■ ar J •; • ■ / * i * 

JOHN BULL’S BIBLE. 


As every body has read Sir Humphry 
Polesworth’s History of John Bull, every 
body knows something of the Character of 
that Gentleman, and of the Economy of 
his Family and Manor. 

But Sir Humphry, though he sets 
himself forth as John Bull’s Historiogra¬ 
pher, and as writing by his Order, was re¬ 
ally but the mere Apologist of his Friend 
Sir Roger ; at that time Major-domo to 
John Bull’s Steward. And however dex¬ 
terously and plausibly his Work is ex¬ 
ecuted, it by no means gives a fair and 

b 




X 


impartial view of the Economy of the 
Bull Family, or the legitimate Custom 
and Constitution of .the Manor of Great 
Albion. 

But Sir Humphry, especially, betrays, 
if not ignorance, surely a most astonishing 
prejudice, with respect to John Bull’s 
Wife; whom, if we can allow him any 
meaning at all, he affects to understand for 
the Steward’s Wife. Sir Humphry, in¬ 
deed seems every where to aim purposely 
to identify John Bull with his Steward; 
whom he entirely keeps out of sight, and 
never so much as names. But though the 
Character he draws, and the Party to 
whom he professes to adhere, be John 
Bull; the interest he has constantly in 

view, is the Steward’s, or rather, that of 

« - * 

his patron Sir Roger, the Steward's Ma¬ 
jor-domo, and then at the head of his Of¬ 
fice. On this subject, indeed. Sir Hum¬ 
phry seems entirely to have lost himself, 
or wilfully to mislead his Readers. While 
he names, and announces Mrs. Bull, as 
John Bull's Wife, he imputes adulterous 
practices to her, expressly for her fidelity 




XI 


to her husband, and repulsion of the Stew¬ 
ard's Gallanteries and Intrigues. For 
though that infamous Commerce of Pros¬ 
titution which at this day subsists between 
the Clerks and Agents in the Steward's 
Office and Mrs. Bull's Domestics, and is 
now become the prime Organ of the whole 
Economy of the Manor, was not then 
brought to that systematic regularity it has 
now attained ; yet, long before that time, 
the Steward's Clerks, Pimps, and Parasites, 
had begun to tamper and intrigue with 
Mrs. Bull's Maids, both for themselves 
and their Master. But Mrs. Bull's Do¬ 
mestics had not yet entirely sold them¬ 
selves to the Steward and his Go-between; 
nor was the Office of Major-domo as yet 
entirely identified with that of Pimp Ge¬ 
neral, and absolute Disposer of Mrs. Bull's 
Houshold. 

In short—Sir Humphry's object was 
rather to apologize, than to justify ; rather 
to mislead, than to inform. And by the 
affected naivete and quaintness of his style 
and manner, he artfully endeavours to 

amuse the Reader, and divert his attentioi) 

52 


XU 


from the real merits of the Cause : which 
he was well aware could not bear a strict 
examination. 

Very different is the End proposed, 
and Task undertaken, by the present 
Editor. The design of Editing these Me¬ 
moirs at this time, is, to set forth the ge¬ 
nuine Principles of the Stewardship, and 
the original Constitution and Custom of 
the Manor of Great Albion.—And, by tra¬ 
cing the Perversions and Corruptions of 
them to their source and cause, and point¬ 
ing out their destructive tendency,—to 
warn both John Bull and his Steward of 
the impending danger. That, by recur¬ 
ring to the true Principles of the Consti¬ 
tution of the Manor, the Ruin of both, 
c which now of a long time lingereth not, 
and their Destruction which slumbereth 
not,’—may be prevented. 

The Present Work is compiled from 
memoirs found in the Scrutoire of a Gen¬ 
tleman who has for some time disappeared 
from the world ;—whether dead or buried 
alive, few know, and fewer will give them¬ 
selves any concern to know. The present 


( 


Xlll 


Editor has only reduced them into order 
and a more regular connection, and claims 
no merit beyond that of a Compiler, or 
mere Amanuensis. 

It would seem that the Original Writer 
of these Memoirs had communicated his 
Manuscript to some friend of a fanciful 
turn ; who, perhaps led by some Copies of 
Sir Humphry Polesworth’s Work, affects 
to find in these Memoirs some imaginary 
allusion to the British Government and 
Politics. This appears from several Notes, 
or pretended Explanations, at the bottom 
of the Page, in a different hand-writing, re¬ 
ferring to such an Allusion. 

It is indeed a singular circumstance, 
which seems constantly to have connected 
itself with the subject of these Memoirs,— 
that, by a whimsically absurd association 
of ideas, it has been imagined to have some 
allusion to the British Government, and 
the British Constitution. Those who are 
acquainted with Sir Humphry Polesworth’s 
History of John Bull’s Lawsuit, must have 
seen Copies of that Work accompanied 
with Notes explaining certain terms under 


XIV 


that notion. And in the Copy of these 
Memoirs now under the Editor’s eye, and 
from which he has chiefly compiled the 
present Work, the same extravagant con¬ 
ceit discovers itself; and several such Ex¬ 
planations are to be found at the bottom 
of the Page. And, as the humour seems 
to take, the Editor supposes it may be 
amusing to indulge it. He has, therefore, 
transcribed also some of those whimsical 


Explanations.—Not from the least per¬ 
suasion of any real reference, or allusion 
between things so widely different ; but 
merely for the amusement of the Reader, 
and to mark the extravagance of some 
people’s imagination. 

Thus, they will have 


John Bull to be 
The Steward. 

Mrs. Bull. 


The English Nation* 

The K—g. 

The Parliament abstractly 
conceived. 


Her Houshold Office.The Two Houses. 

John Bull’s Mother.The Church of England. 

Law and Lawyers in > War, Military Men, and 
general. y Military Affairs. 

Tte ^ uni Ministry. 

Clerks and Scriveners 1 The Subordinate Officers 
in the Steward’s > of the Court and Mi- 
Office...,) nistry. 










XV 


And a number of other such extrava¬ 
gant Conceits, as fanciful people are apt to 
amuse themselves with. 

Some instances of this Gratuitous 
Comment will be found transcribed into 
the present Work, in Notes at the bottom 
of the Pages, under the Quotation— Pret . 
Com . or Pretended Comment. — And to 
those who are fond of such visionary allu¬ 
sions, and are acquainted with Sir Hum¬ 
phry Poles worth’s Work, many others may 
probably occur. 

klie 


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V 






JOHN BULL’S BIBLE. 


COOK I. 


Chap. I. 


Contents. —A Ithe Character of John Bull—of an easy, open, unsuspect- 
ng, disposition—hence, generally over-reached, pillaged, and cheated, 
by his Stewards, and their Clerks, and Scriveners—got Possession of 
the Manor of Albion by ousting Davy Guelch ; whom he came to de¬ 
fend against Roderic, or Rory Restless, and Sandy Ranger, two very 
troublesome neighbours of Davy’s. 


There is no man in the country better known than 
John Bull, Esq. Lord of the Manor of Albion; and, 
notwithstanding a certain dash of singularity and non¬ 
chalance in his character, which some are pleased to 
make free with, there are few persons more respectable; 
or, who, when occasion requires, know better how to 
make themselves respected, than John Bull. John is, 
indeed, the truly free, open, independent, Country Gen¬ 
tleman ; equally above the designing arts of the insinu¬ 
ating Courtier, and the mean compliances of the cringing 
Slave. This is a character which, I believe, his friends 
will not, and, I think, his enemies dare not, deny him. 
VOL. i. u 


Brief charact 
ter of John 
Bull. 






o 


Rook l. ch. l Indeed, true spirit, and undaunted bravery, are uni- 

Brief charac- vcrsally allowed to be his most distinguishing charac¬ 
ter of John .... . T . . . . . 

Bull. teristics. But though John has always proved a match 
for his enemies, whom he has defied, he has often been 
duped and cheated by his friends, whom he has trusted ; 
and hence the present dangerous state of his affairs. 

In order to account for the present embarrassed 
and ruinous condition of the Manor of Albion, and of 
John Bull’s affairs in general, it will be necessary to 
take a view of his Domestic Economy, particxdarly of 
the Stewards and Stewardship of his Manors, pretty 
far back ; at least from his first obtaining possession of 
the Manor of Albion. And this I am enabled to do 
h y means of a series of Memoirs of the Successive 
Stew ards, and Records of the Stewardship and Affairs 
of the Manor now in my hands; wit. or , hicli I shall 
use little more freedom than to transcribe and abridge 
them. 

Besides the Manor of Albion, his antient heredi¬ 
tary Estate, John has very large and valuable Posses¬ 
sions in almost every part of the Country; so that his 
affairs are very extensive and complicated. Now John 
being, as we have said, himself a fellow' of easy unsus¬ 
pecting nonchalance,—always kept an Agent, or Head 
Steward, to whom he generally consigned the chief 
management of his various Estates, and indeed of his 
whole Affairs. And by him and his Clerks and Un¬ 
der-scriveners he has in general been shamefully imposed 
upon, over-readied, cheated, and robbed. 

H c",ne° h "!!;lo IIow Jo,m BuU ’ s Farai 'y came into possession of 

possession of the Manor of Albion, is a matter that will not, nerhans 
theManoiof, . ' 1 

bear a very strict scrutiny. However, his title is now, 


Albion 








3 


by prescription, become indisputable.—Of the manner Book 1. ch. l. 
of John Bull’s possessing himself of this Manor, I find 
the following account. 

By the oldest Records worthy of credit, respecting Rowland the 
the Manor of Albion, it appears,—that one Rowland DavyGueich. 
de Roma, or Rowland the Roman, a busy, bustling, 
pragmatical Fellow, who kept hundreds of Lawyers, 

Bailiffs, Bullies and Bravoes in constant pay, had got 
Occupancy of the Estate. This Fellow, under pre¬ 
tence of doing Justice, and settling quarrels among his 
neighbours, had seized into his own hands, or got under 
his Management, almost every Estate in the Country. 

The celebrated Lord Peter’s Patrimony, was indeed, 
originally, his paternal Estate ; and of the Manors 
since possessed by Lewis Baboon, Lord Strut, Nick 
Frog, and the greater part of those of ’Squire South; 
lie had already got entire possession; when one of his 
Lawyers, to whom he had committed the management 
of the Frankland Manor, now Lewis Baboon’s Estate, 
having frequently cast his eye over the Water which 
separated it from this same Manor of Albion, then pos- 
sessed by one David Guelch,—he must needs, though 
they had never seen one another, out of pure good 
neighbourhood, cross the Water, and give him a morn¬ 
ing’s call. And being very civilly received, lie soon im¬ 
proved his Vis to a Visit , and Ins Visit to a Visitation .* 

In short, after this, Rowland never left oft' meddling 
in the poor man’s affairs till lie had ruined him; 
having thrown his whole Estate into Chancery, and 

* They who have seen the iVorldy w ill understand this* 


/ 




4 


Book l. ch. i.managed it by his cozening Lawyers just as lie 
pleased. 

Rowland the This Davy Guelch was a simple honest sort of a 

Roman and J ..... . . 

Davy Guelch. Fellow j but somewhat of an idle disposition, and it 
must be owned, did not make the most that might have 
been done of his Estate, nor manage his Affairs to the 
best advantage; yet he neither wanted Sense to feel, 
nor Spirit to resent, the injury done him, in taking the 
Management of them out of his own hands. But all 
his indignation and efforts were in vain ; he could never 
recover his Manor out of the hands of those rascally 
Lawyers to whom Rowland had intrusted it; and lie 
was at last obliged to submit, and live on the Estate 
under them, with just what rights and privileges they 
were pleased to allow him. 

This Rowland, though a turbulent overbearing 
fellow, was one of whom it might be said—that he was 
4 inland bred, and knew some nurture;’ which was 
more than could at that time be said of Davy or his 
family. 

But Rowland, to do him justice, while he held the 
Estate, gave the Family some education, the children 
were sent to school, were taught their Catechism, and 
to say their Paternoster; the Boys had also learnt to 
pull off their caps and make their bow r , and the Girls 
to make their courtesy, when a Lady or Gentleman 
passed them; and the better sort had even Dancing- 
masters and Music-masters provided for them, and were 
taught something of Good Breeding. But the truth 
is, Rowland had his ow n ends, and expected to find 
his own account in all this. He wished to draw them 
off from that active hardy way of Life in which the 


5 


Family had hitherto been bred ; that so they might be Book 1. ch. 1. 
less disposed, and indeed less capable of disturbing Il(mHnd th( . 
him in the possession of the Estate. The Manor also and 

. . DavyGuelch. 

was brought into a better state of cultivation, and many 
improvements made both in the Soil and the Buildings 
upon it. 

Davy’s Family, thus allured to a state of effemi¬ 
nate indolence and subjection, soon became so debased, 
both in spirit and capacity, that they were neither de¬ 
sirous of recovering, nor capable of holding, their own 
Manor. 

In the mean time, Rowland had gone on at such 
a rate, busying himself abroad in all his neighbours’ 
affairs, and neglecting his own at home, that things 
had got into a state wherein he was no longer able to 
govern his own Family, or keep any order on his own 
Manor. The consequence of which was, that all his 
neighbours began to retaliate and commit trespasses 
upon him; and even to seize whole Farms and Manors 
into their own hands, and to kick his Factors and Law¬ 
yers out of doors. This obliged him to call home his 
Agents and Under Stewards from the distant possessions 
he had seized, in order to preserve his own principal 
Manor and Mansion House of Roma; which had not 
only been threatened, but actually plundered and set 
fire to by his neighbours. 

In consequence of this general recal of Rowland’s 
Agents, Davy indeed, found himself once more in full 
possesion of his own Estate; but also found himself, 
by habits of idleness and indifference, sunk to such a 
state of indolence and incapacity, that he was not fit 
either to cultivate it, or direct the management of it. 



6 


Book i. ch.l. And such the debasing effect of subjection and effe¬ 
minacy, that he had not spirit even to wish or attempt 
to be master of his own affairs; but in the most abject 
manner begged and prayed Rowland to send him back 
some of his People and Lawyers to take them off his 
hand, and manage them for him. 

Character of This abject and incapable state to which Davy 
less & Sandy was sunk, was soon found out by his neighbours, Rory 
ihe' ^Caiedo- Restless and Sandy Ranger,* of the Caledonian Manor, 
man Manor w jj 0 were no t slack to take advantage of it. These 

neighbours of Davy’s were two keen, shrewd, sharking, 
idle Fellows, who would rather go ten miles to rob a 
neighbour’s Hen-roost, or drive off his Cattle, than 
work an hour in cultivating their own Farms. It must, 
indeed, be confessed, their own Farms were not a very 
grateful Soil, nor lay in the most inviting Climate ; so 
that Davy’s had, in this respect, much the advantage; 
and consequently had great attractions for Sandy and 
Rory. 

Another consequence of the sterility of their Soil 
and rigour of their Climate was, that it rendered them 
vigorous, active, and enterprising, undaunted in dan¬ 
ger, patient and persevering under every hardship, 
insensible and unyielding to difliculties, in short, the 
very reverse of what Davy was now become. 

Davy oppress- These sturdy Knaves soon seized upon large por- 
faped'hy lotions °f Davy’s Estate, and threatened entirely to dis¬ 
c'd is in* John Possess him °f the whole. At his pressing solicitation, 
BuiPsAnces- Rowland, his former Patron, once or twice sent some of 

tors to pro- ' 

tect his Ma-his People and Lawyers to assist him; and Sandy and 

nor, - which r 47 J 

they do most Rory were ejected.—But in vain.—Rowland’s own af- 
effcciuaJly. ______ 


* The Piets aud Scots. 



fairs at home were now in a state little better than Book l. cli. 1. 
Davy’s; and all he could do was, to advise him to Davy Gueich 
rouse, and defend himself. But the poison of Subjec- pfotecte^by 
tion had now penetrated too deep : Davy was now in- JohnIiu11 * 
capable of such exertion; and Sandy and Rory re¬ 
turned with assured confidence of full success. Left 
in this desperate state, Davy sought a no less desperate 
Remedy, which brings us to the more immediate sub¬ 
ject of these Memoirs. 

At this time, John Bull’s Ancestors, then known 
by the Name of Sassans, by which term their Gueich 
neighbours still distinguish them, were little better than 
Vagrants or sturdy Beggars; but robust, daring, rest¬ 
less fellows ; ready to undertake any thing which you 
chose to put them upon, and to pay them for. With 
these sturdy Vagabonds did Davy bargain for assist¬ 
ance, to drive oft* Sandy and Rory and their People 
from his Grounds. For here it may be observed, that 
though those Ancestors of the Bull Family did pretend 
to be of the Profession of the Law, nothing was done 
by regular Process, but principally by Club Law, by 
main force and violence. And in this way Davy soon 
obtained very etFectual assistance. But alas! what 
hope is there for the hen, that calls in the Kite to save 
her Chickens from the Sparrow Hawk! Those who 
were first sent to drive off* Davy’s bad neighbours, 
liked the situation and air of Albion so well, that they 
were obliging enough to stay and keep them oft* too. 

And that they might be able to do this the more effec¬ 
tually, they kept continually sending for more and 
more of their Family and acquaintance to assist them 
in so good and charitable a work. And to be brief,— 


8 


Book l. ch. l.they poured in such numbers upon poor Davy, that he 

D cliv ctoaiTy Ch soon f° un d himself wholly dispossessed, not only of his 
juoU’ctcdbyManor and Farm, but even of his liouse, goods, and 

John Bull. . 7 r 

furniture; and, in the end, was fairly turned out of 
doors. Thus it was that John Bull’s Family first got 
possession of the Estate and Manor of Albion. 

Davy Guelch was now in a condition ten times 
worse than under Rowland the Roman. Rowland was 
certainly sufficiently assuming and selfish, but then, he 
had, as we have said, been bred to some civility, and 
had taught Davy’s family some ; and, where it did not 
interfere with his own interest and designs, exercised 
some mansuetude and humanity towards them. Before 
their acquaintance with Rowland, nothing could be 
more rude, savage, and uncultivated, than the manners 
and way of life of the whole family. But now, as has 
been said, the children had learnt to read and write, had 
been taught their catechism, and to say their prayers, 
and the whole Family went to church ; for Rowland at 
this time professed himself to be a good Christian. 

As for John Bull’s Family, it does not appear that 
at this time one of them had ever learnt their A, B, C ; 
a Creed, or Paternoster, they had never heard ; they 
thought no more of saying their Prayers than their 
dogs or their horses did. And as to going to church—• 
worse than the fat Fellow in the Play, who had 6 for¬ 
gotten what the inside of a church was made of,’—not 
one of them had ever been within a church-door in 
their lives. In short, John Bull’s Family were, at this 
time, no better than mere barbarians, and it is impos¬ 
sible to describe what poor Davy suffered under such 
hands, after they had thrown off the mask. 


9 


Yet it must be acknowledged, that when Guelch Book l. ch. 
found how things were likely to go, lie did not submit 
without both shewing great indignation, and making 
considerable resistance ; nor resist without frequent suc¬ 
cess. But in addition to all Davy’s other misfortunes, 
he wanted good agreement and fidelity in his own 
Family. 

About this time, Vortigig, a Steward on one of 
Davy’s Estates, fell desperately in love with Rowena, 
or Rovena, the daughter of Dangle, who came at the 
Head of those Rovers of John’s Family, who were 
now pouring, in uncalled-for numbers, upon Davy’s 
Manor—no doubt, the better to defend it from all ill 
neighbours. John’s Family have alway been remark¬ 
able for pretty Girls, and this Rowny was one of the 
smartest lasses in the whole country-side. And her 
father took care to manage matters so as to dispose of 
her to the best advantage. It was agreed that Davy’s 
Steward should marry the daughter, and in return 
should put her father in possession of one of the best 
Farms on the Estate ; thus securing a good settlement 
for himself as well as his daughter. 

Along with this Dangle, came a brother of his, 
called Equester, or Horse-master, who at first acted 
as a kind of Bailiff upon the Farm, and particularly 
had the management of the Horses, which were kept 
in great numbers upon it; as was pretended, for the 
purpose of driving off, and pursuing the above bad 
neighbours, that trespassed upon Davy’s Estate. This 
Equester, then to be sure, must have another adjoining 
Farm, for the maintenance of himself, and keeping of 
his Horses. And here he built a Great Stable, with a 

G 


, - ( 


♦ 


10 


j 5 ook i. ch. i.number of pens and stalls for Horses, which is still 
called Horsham or Horse Ilame, that is, Horse Close, 
or Horse Home. But not content with this, he soon 
extended his Farm to a Manor, and his Stables to a 
Mansion-house \ and there they may be seen, under 
the same name, unto this day. It is not certainly 
known whether any descendants of the fair Rowny are 
still to be found there; but the Writer of this hour can 
gratefully, and truly, attest, that the place is still noted 
for fair and kind-hearted females. 

Thus was Davy betrayed and sold by his own 
Steward. And this, though the first, is far from the 

✓ 

last, instance of the kind, that will be found in the 
course of these Memoirs. 

These two Brothers, Dangle and Equester, with 
their followers, were the first of John Bull’s Family 
who gained any permanent settlement on the Manor of 

Albion. But these were soon joined by more of their 

* 

kindred ; nor stopt they, till they had parcelled out the 
whole Estate among them, into seven separate Manors. 

Thus was poor Davy Guelch ousted of his whole 
Estate. And those of his Family w ho could not sub¬ 
mit to be Servants and drudges to another Master, on 
their own Lands, were glad to betake themselves to the 
woods and mountains on the outskirts of the Manor, 
for refuge and shelter ; where, having built themselves 
huts, and improved some of the uncultivated spots 
around them, the remains of them are to be found, and 
distinguished, a simple, honest, hardy, hospitable Race, 
unto this day. 



11 


ClIAP. II. Book 1. cb. 2. 

Contents. —The Affairs of the Manor generally trusted to a Head Stew¬ 
ard, assisted by the Sage-meeting and Folk-meeting .—Design of Con¬ 
stitution Hall, the Great Mansion House, or Family Seat of the 
Manor.—The whole Family privileged in it—hence viewed with an 
evil eye by the Stewards.—John Bull originally lived with his Great 
Family in a truly patriarchal manner. 

To keep possession of an Estate acquired insoques-The steward- 
tionable a manner as we have related, it was necessary ! a !y ; er b U i 
to cultivate and keep up the Profession of the Law in the^ control!! 
the Family, and the chief management of the Estate ?,^ lhe Fiun ~ 
was, of course, generally entrusted to some one of that 
profession, in the character of Bailiff, or Head Steward 
of the Manor. But as this was an office of great 
weight, importance, and trust; and as those who w ere 
entrusted with it, were always disposed to assume suffi¬ 
ciently upon it; it naturally became an object of much 
emulation and ambition, and occasioned many contests 
and quarrels in the Family. To obviate this, accord¬ 
ing to the custom in many Manors, the office was made 
Hereditary, in one particular branch of the Family; 
but still, undoubtedly, subject to the controul of the 
Bull Family in general. 

At first, the Estate was divided into several Ma¬ 
nors, to the number of seven, each under a separate 
Steward, who was generally of the Profession of the 
Law. But such is the character of that Profession, 
that while there is one object within its reach, by art 
or chicanery, however much in defiance of Justice 
or Right, it will never be satisfied till it has obtained 
it. And this John Bull soon found to be the case 
with his different Stewards. They kept the Fa- 

c 2 


12 


Bool i. ch.2. mily constantly at Law about the Boundaries ot their 


TheSage-meet- 
ing and Folk- 
meeting. 


several Manors, and other interfering claims and pre¬ 
tensions. And by this means the Estate was so neg¬ 
lected and wasted, and such violent quarrels and con¬ 
tests excited in the Family, that many, on both sides, 
often had their bones broken, or their brains beat out, 
in them. And all this about matters in which no one 
but the Stewards, and their Clerks and Scriveners, had 
any concern or interest at stake.—Though there were 
Seven separate Manors, and as many Stewards; yet, 
as a bond of Union, a certain degree of superiority 
was generally allowed to one or other of them. And 
at last, one of these, 3 shrewd, ambidextrous, in¬ 
defatigable fellow, named Gebbert, Steward of the 
Manor of Western, succeeded in ousting all the others 
of their Stewardships, and assumed the management 
of the whole seven Manors into his own hand. For 
this event John Bull probably was not very sorry ; as 
he might hope it would lessen the quarrels in his Fa¬ 
mily; though, perhaps, he might have expected to 
have been a little more consulted in the matter than 
he was. 

Since that time the Stewardship has continued ge¬ 
nerally hereditary: but subject, 011 particular emer¬ 
gencies, to be altered at the will of the Squire, with 
the common consent of the Family. For the purpose 
of obtaining this common consent, which, by an un¬ 
alterable Family custom, is necessary in all important 
matters, the Family are called together and consulted 
—on lesser occasions, only the Eiders and leading men 
—on occasions of more universal interest, the Family 
in general. For which calling-together, they had two 


* 


13 


Names or Terms, the Sage-meeting and the Folk- Book 1. ch. 2. 
meeting.* 

Something in pretended imitation of both these 
Meetings is still kept up on the Manor, in the present 
Palaverium. But to obviate the inconvenience and 
confusion of so great an Assembly as the Folk-meeting, The Palaveri- 
it has been long settled, that the Family should choose of 1 the e suge 
particular persons from among themselves to represent meeting—— 
them, and to consult and vote for them, in those Meet- m a e n r J 

ings. But this is now become a mere Form, and little 
better than a mere Farce. The far greater part of 
those pretended Representatives being really nominated 
and chosen entirely by the influence of the Steward, 
and the Clerks and Scriveners about his Office; and 
are merely their tools and implements; many of them, 
indeed, their Office-keepers, Under Clerks, Chamber¬ 
lains, and Pages ; Grooms and Jockies in the Steward’s 
Stables ; Turnspits and Scullions in his Kitchen; even 
their Go-betweens, Pimps and Panders.—But more 
of this when we come to that part of these Memoirs 
which treats of the infamous Commerce of Prostitution 
and Adultery so notoriously carried on between the in¬ 
mates of Steward’s Office, and those of Mrs. Bull’s 
Household. 

The disputes about the Stewardship being thus 
ended, by the management of the whole Estate cen¬ 
tering in one Head Steward, it was proposed to build 
a great Mansion House, suited to the extent of the Ma¬ 
nor, and the Dignity of the Family, to be called Free¬ 
man’s Castle, or Constitution Hall.t 

* The Wittenage-mote and the Folk-mote. 

The British Constitution.—Pretended Comment. 



14 


Book 1. ch. 2. 

Constitution 
Hall or Free¬ 
man’s Castle 
looked on 
with an Evil 
Eye by the 
Stewards. 


This Constitution Hall, the family Seat of John 
Bull’s descendants, and Mansion House of the whole 
Manor of Great Albion, is still standing ; but through 
the abuse of the successive Stewards, and the neglect 
of the Family, much injured, and at present in a very 
tottering and ruinous condition. It must be acknow¬ 
ledged, the Stewards in general have discovered a great 
antipathy and spite to this Mansion House, and would 
willingly see it levelled with the ground ; on account 
of the protection and shelter claimed in it by every in¬ 
dividual of the Bull Family; and where they have 
often been rescued from the insolent oppression, and 
unfeeling grasp of the Steward and his Agents. For 
tills Mansion House of the Manor of Albion is not 
only one of the noblest structures that Architecture has 
produced, but also one of the most convenient, and 
best designed for the accommodation of a whole Fa¬ 
mily, where elegance and use go hand in hand; and 
one, which has attached to it privilege of sanctuary, 
till trial, for every one of the Family, which even the 

Steward himself dare not violate. 

\ 

Thus, this Mansion House was not intended for 
mere ostentation, to display the splendour and vanity of 
an insignificant voluptuous Lord of the Manor, or as a 
mere Pageant, or thing of Show; but for a substantial 
Family Residence ; in the plan of which, due regard 
was had to the comfort and convenience of every indi¬ 
vidual, from the Master to the lowest Domestic. 

For though John Bull could not secure splendour 
and riches to every one of a Family so numerous and 
extensive as his had now become, he meant, at least, 
to take care that none should be entirely neglected, or 


15 


destitute; but that every one, the most distant relation Book l. ch.2. 
of the Family, and all who lived on the Estate, should, 
in any case of distress or adverse fortune, here at least, 
find shelter and protection. 

In this Manor House are three principal divi-The principal 

divisions and 

sions, or grand Courts.—1 he First for the Steward s use of c<>n- 
Court and Offices, where the business of the Stew- Hail, 
ardship is transacted, all payments and disburse¬ 
ments made, and all the Accounts of the Manor kept. 

—The Second, for the Sage-meeting , consisting of the 
Elders, or Leading Men of the Family, to consult for 
the Interest of the Folk, and the concerns of the Ma¬ 
nor in general.—And the Third, for the Folk-meeting , 
by their Representatives or Delegates, to consult also 
for the general concerns of the Family and Manor; 
and especially to regulate the Family Expences, and 
to settle the contributions to be levied for supporting 
them. A Privilege which, from time immemorial, 
they particularly claimed. These two last, called the 
Palaverium, are considered as particularly under the 
auspices of Mrs. Bull, and named the Upper and Low¬ 
er Chambers of the Palaverium or Household Office.— 

Besides these, there are many lesser Divisions or Offices, 
for holding the Courts Leet and Courts Baron, and for 
the accommodation of such as attended them, or had Suit 
and Service to perform in the Courts of the Manor.— 

But dropping the Mansion House at present, we will 
resume our immediate subject,—the Stewards and 
Stewardship. 

While the Stew ardship continued in the line of the 
above Gebbert, being a branch of John’s own family, 
the successive Stewards conducted themselves with a 


16 ' 


Book 1. ch. 2 


Alfrank an ex¬ 
cellent Stew¬ 
ard. 


decent regard to the Privileges of the Family, and the 
Customs of the Manor; yet sometimes more strictly, 
and sometimes with considerable deviation; and, as 
is the habit of such Characters, often with more regard 
to their own interest than to that of their Employers. 

One Alfrank, however, deserves particular notice 
here, for his own excellent Character, and the many 
improvements he introduced in the exercise of the 
Stewardship, the cultivation of the Estate, and the 
Morals and good Order of the people upon it. And 
this especially by an excellent plan for bringing all 
Evil-doings and Evil-doers to light and conviction, 
through the whole Domains subject to the Manor; by 
obliging every man to have an eye upon, and in some 
degree to be accountable for, the conduct of his neigh¬ 
bour. This Alfrank was also, if not the original 
planner, at least a chief improver, of Constitution 
Hall, the Great Manor House we have mentioned. 
And had the Elevation been carried on according to 
his ground Plan, and the Building kept up by occa¬ 
sional Repairs, in conformity with the original Design, 
it would have been a noble edifice indeed. 

There was also among the Stewards, one Pius 
Ned,* whose Memory was much respected in after 
times, for the many good Laws and Customs he intro¬ 
duced in favour of the Tenants and Suitors in the 
Courts of the Manor; and to which we shall hereafter 
have occasion to refer. 

John Bull, in former times, was a man of a genu¬ 
ine Patriarchal Character, and lived with his Family 


* Edward the Confessor.—Pret. Cora. 




in a truly primitive manner. For his Family, winch Book 1. ch. 2 . 
soon became numerous, w r erc settled all around him on John Bull of a 
the different Manors and Farms of his extensive Es- arciin ^ch'a- 
tates ; and to all of them he extended a paternal care vld!n!r~ for* 
and protection. For John’s Etates were not, like most ‘^'ahisTvhoie 
others in the neighbourhood, cultivated by Aliens, ^"^Priv^ 
Boors, and Vassals, the property of the Landlord ; leges of Con- 
who might be transferred, like Beasts, along with the Hall. 

Soil, from Master to Master, at the will even of an 

Agent or Steward. John’s Estates, as we have said, 

/ 

were occupied and cultivated by the different branches 
of his own Family, Free Men, all acknowledged by 
by him, and entitled to the protection of the Laws of 
the Manor, and the privileges of the Mansion House, 
lienee called Freeman’s Castle. And no man, not 
even the Steward himself, durst meddle with either 
their Persons or Property, but by due course of Laws 
made by their own consent. This, indeed, has always 
been the most prominent feature of the Bull Character, 
and the envied privilege of the Manor of Albion ; how¬ 
ever, at times, frustrated by the tyranny or treachery 
of the Stewards. And this is what principally distin¬ 
guishes them from all the Great Families and Estates 
in the Neighbourhood,—that all who live on the Estate 
have the privileges of Free Men, and a Right of Sanc¬ 
tuary and Protection in Constitution Hall. In short, 

John Bull formerly lived in his Manor House, and 
amidst his Family, like the Ancient chief of one of our 
Highland Clans; where every one of the Name, how¬ 
ever poor, claimed the Honour, affected the Spirit, and 
resented the Injuries of the whole Clan; and was, in his 


Book i. ch. 2. turn, acknowledged by the Chieftain, and had always 
free access to his Castle, and entertainment in his 
Hall. 


Chap. III. 


Coxtexts. —The Manor of Albion a Family Estate.—The Laws and Cus¬ 
toms of the Manor respect the Security and Happiness of every Inhabi¬ 
tant upon it.—Principal Branches of the Steward’s Office.—The Stew¬ 
ard fond of keeping up a set of Bailiffs and Bullies of his own, ready 
for any thing he chooses to set them upon.—Hence involving the Manor 
in endless Quarrels, and boundless expense.—John Bull once a little 
too familiar with the celebrated Whore of Babylon.—Having quar¬ 
relled and kicked her out of doors, has had long and violent Disputes 
with her son Peter—who pretends to have been married to John Bull’s 
Mother; which that Lady constantly and strenuously denies. 

The first and leading principle upon the Manor of 
Albion is,—that it is a Family Estate; and in the Ma¬ 
nagement of it, regard is to be had to every individual 
of the Family, and in some degree to all who live 
upon, or hold of the Manor. And every Office, Law, 
Custom, and Rule of Court on the Manor, is estab¬ 
lished with a view to this great Object. 

Of the Office of Head Steward, we have already 
taken some notice, and assigned the reason for its being 
made hereditary; but still subject to be controlled, or 
altered, by the general will and determination of the 
Family. 

Chief branches The chief branches of this Office are:—First,— 
ard’s office? To hold all courts belonging to the Manor for the 




19 


maintenance of its Rights and Customs, for settling all Book l. cli. 
Disputes and Differences among the Tenantry and 
Holders on the Manor, and preserving general Peace 
and good order on the Estate. 

Secondly,—To carry into Execution all Decisions 
and Orders of Courts, and to put in Effect whatever 
is determined by the general consent of John Bull and 
his Family in the Sage and Folk-meeting. For which 
purpose the Steward has proper Officers under him ; 
who may, indeed, if necessary, call in the assistance x 

of the whole of the Folk on the Estate. And it may 
be worthy of notice here, that by the ancient Custom 
of the Manor, these subordinate Officers were also 
chosen and appointed by the Family or Folk them¬ 
selves; though the Steward has now, among many 
other encroachments, assumed to himself the privilege 
of appointing them. And instead of calling in the 
assistance of the Tenantry and Neighbours, on any 
extraordinary occasion, is mighty fond of employing 
a set of mercenary Lawyers, Bailiffs, and Bullies, 
whom he keeps in constant pay about him ; and who 
often, on such occasions, care not what mischief they 
do; as they are sure the Steward’s office will abet, and 

protect them. 

A Third Branch of the Steward’s Office is,—To pernicious par- 
guard the Marches and Boundaries of the Manor from Stewards for 
all Trespasses and Encroachments of the Neighbours; L aSu s . an 
and to carry on all Lawsuits about such Boundaries, 
or any other occasion of Difference or Dispute with 
the neighbouring Proprietors or Stewards. This branch 
of the Office^ through the partiality of the sevcial 

D 2 


20 


Bijok ! 


I 


. cb. 3. Stewards for Lawsuits, lias gone near to ruin the Estate 
and Family. For the Steward, under pretence of be¬ 
ing always prepared to defend the Manor from Tres¬ 
pass and Encroachment, and to protect the Tenants 
and Holders from injuries and wrongs, has got into the 
practice of keeping in constant pay an incredible num¬ 
ber of Lawyers, Attornies, Constables, Bailiffs, and 
all the inferior Train of the Law : all paid out of John 
Bull’s pocket; and if set on by the Steward or his 
Agents, all as ready to attack John lumsclf, or to knock 
out the brains of any one too zealous for his interest, 
as of any of his greatest enemies. And as a great 
Lawsuit must necessarily throw the disposal of a great 
deal of money into the hands of the Steward, he and 
his Agents, his Clerks and Scriveners, take care to 
keep the Family involved in almost perpetual Law¬ 
suits; and of consequence, in uncalculable Expence. 
And in hopes of sharing in this endless drain of wealth 
from the Estate, every branch of the Bull Family that 
pretends to any distinction, must, of course, bring up 
their younger Sons to the Profession of the Law; or 
educate them as candidates for Clerkships and Appoint¬ 
ments in the Steward’s Office, or Iloushold; which are 
now become objects of ambition with even the most 
ancient and honourable Branches of John’s Family. 
And countless Offices and Appointments at the disposal 
of the Steward, are created for the mere purpose of 
diffusing alluiement and Influence, lavishing the Fami¬ 
ly’s money, and keeping up a parcel of the most idle, 
most useless, and most worthless dangling dependants 
about the Steward’s Office, ready, at his nod, for everv 
base and pernicious purpose. 


j 


It lias already been observed, that anciently on the Bookl. cb. 3 . 
Manor of Albion, the Stewards had, for the most part, 
been bred to the Profession of the Law. This was, in¬ 
deed, a general custom in all the Manors of the neigh¬ 
bourhood ; and from this cause, the Stewards in most 
of them have been able to oust the lawful Possessors, 
and to seize the Estates into their own hands. And in 
consequence, in most of the Great Manors on Terra- 
firm, these Stewards were, by luxury, effeminacy, and 
a perverted education, degenerated into mere Drivel¬ 
lers, Sots, and Idiots. And the greater part of them had 
lately been kicked out of doors by one Beneparte, an 
interloper,'who has, indeed, disposed of their Offices 
and Possessions, as it is said the Devil did of the Monks, 
i. e. kept the greater part to himself.—But of thi 
hereafter. 

Perhaps it will be said—As John Bull’s Steward is 
only a Steward, how could he thus lavish the money of the 
Family and Ruin the Estate?—Since, though he might 
devise Lawsuits, and commence Quarrels, he could 
not carry them on, except John and the Family chose 
to supply him with Cash through the medium of Mrs. 

Bull’s Office.—Formerly, indeed, that was the case: , . _ 

but now things are wofully changed; and thereby tngues he¬ 
ll aims a Tale of shameful and disastrous import, to be Steward’sof. 

ii* ‘it- o ficeandMrs. 

told in due time; concerning the Intrigues of the fetew- Bull’s do- 

ard’s Office in Mrs. Bull’s Houshold and Family, and uie5llCb 

the infamous commerce of Prostitution and Seduction 

carried on between the Clerks of that Office and Mrs. 

Bull’s Domestics. Some, indeed, will have it, that 

Mrs. Bull and the Steward are entirely innocent, and 

that the whole infamy of this nefarious scene lies with 

» 


22 


Book l. ch. 3 . Mrs. Bull’s Domestics and the Clerks and Agents in 
the Steward’s Office,—others again maintain that the 
Clerks and Agents are nothing more than the Pimps 
and Go-betweens of the Steward. As to poor Mrs. 
Bull, it must be confessed, that she is no longer Mistress 
of her own House. This, however, is certain, that by 
means of these Intrigues, the Steward draws from the 
Family, through Mrs. Bull’s office, just whatever mo¬ 
ney he pleases. 

The Domestic But Perhaps, it should have been premised—that 
the° n Family °^ n Bull having been, especially in his younger days, 
and Manor a Boon Companion and Free Liver, had very wisely 

consigned to r * J 

Mrs. Bull, consigned to Mrs. Bull’s care, the whole of his Do¬ 
mestic Economy, the providing for, and managing of 
all family Expences, and the examining and settling 
all Accounts with the Steward. And for the purpose 
of advising, aiding, and assisting her in these extensive 
concerns, the Sage-meeting and Folk-meeting above 
mentioned, were formed into an Accountant Office, and 
considered as part of her Houshold Establishment. 
By management with these, and by means of the In¬ 
trigues above mentioned, the Steward is never at a loss 
for Cash to carry on a Lawsuit. The truth is, John 
himself was always mightily alive to a hopeful Law¬ 
suit. And being of a sanguine Disposition, is, by the 
selfish Stewards into whose hand it is sure to draw cash, 
at all times easily engaged in law. 

It must indeed be here confessed, that John Bull, 
being of a warm temperament, was in his youth in most 
things, as such youths generally arc, a little wild and 
extravagant. Nobody was readier for a Mad Frolic; 
nobody more forward to kick up a Bow, or enter into 


23 


Broils and Quarrels; jbody made less account of Book l. ch. 3. 
breaking Windows, knocking down a Watchman, or 
beating up a Wench’s Quarters. 

John Bull has, particularly, had long and violent 
quarrels with the celebrated Whore of Babylon ; with 
whom, it must be confessed, he was once a little too 
familiar. But John having since quarrelled with her, 
discarded her, and kicked her out of doors : the conse¬ 
quence has involved him in much trouble, and many 
expensive Lawsuits with her and her more favoured 
Gallants. At one time indeed, and that before he had 
discarded her; by the chicanery and dexterity of 
some of her agents, and the baseness and treachery 
of one of his own Stewards,* under the management of 
the Notorious Peter, whom she calls her Eldest Son, in 
whose right she claims, she had almost ousted John of his 
whole Estate and Manor. And no little time, trouble, and 
expence, it cost, entirely to repossess himself, and 
eject the intruder. The Mansion House, indeed, and 
the principal part of the Manor, the zeal and indigna¬ 
tion of the Family soon enabled him to recover. But 
the Strumpet long held possession of John’s Mother’s 
House,f and the Lands on which her Jointure was 
settled, to which she still affects to lay claim in behalf 
of her Son Peter, who, she pretends, was married to 
John Bull’s Mother, and had children born alive by 
her; and whom, she says, one of the Stewards in a 
quarrel, unjustly kicked out of doors, and obliged the 
Lady to divorce. All this the good Lady strenuously 

. -- — ———- — — — — ■ *• 


* Supposed to be John Landless. 

-t The Church of England.—Prct. Com. 




24 


Book l. ch. 3 . denies. And she further affit.^s, that Peter himself is 
but a base-born upstart fellow, a Bastard begot by 
Belzebub, upon this same Whore of Babylon. And 
who, by a pretended Commission from her real Hus¬ 
band,—which is known to be a palpable Forgery,— 
and by tampering with her Servants in the absence of 
their Master, had got into her Husband’s House, cor¬ 
rupted the whole family, and turned out of doors, or 
even hanged or burnt, every one whom lie suspected 
of the least fidelity to their master, her real Husband. 

■—Thus, for many years, Peter had held possession 
of Madam Bull’s House and Jointure Lands, till in a 
quarrel with one of her Son’s Stewards, he was, as we 
shall see, very deservedly turned out of doors. 



BOOK II 



Chap. I. 

Contexts. —OF the forcible Introduction into the Stewardship, and vio„ 
lent Seizure of the Estate into his own hands, by Guillam de Nor_ 
world.—Thisforcible Intrusion the sole foundation of the enormous 
Pretensionsof succeeding Stewards—and to recover his Possession and 
Natural Rights thus forcibly seized the object of all the successive 
truggles and contests of the Family with the Stewards.—This Reco¬ 
very, through the constant, encroaching, and incorrigible Character 
of such men, yet imperfectly accomplished. And every step toward 
it obtained only by Necessity, and strong Compulsion. 


n our continuation of these Memoirs our principal The two main 
object will be—First,—To relate the cause, and course theife^ We- 
of things, by which the Stewards had seized into 
their own hands John Bull’s Estate, and become 
master both of him and his Manor. And next, to 
point out the successive steps that have been taken by 
the Bull Family for the recovery of their Manor and 
Bights; and to mark as we proceed, how it has come 
to pass, in consequence of this seizure,—that, while 
the Steward’s Clerks and Agents, and every attendant 
and hanger-on about the Steward’s Office,—many of 

E 




26 




Book 2. cb. 1 


of the meanest capacity and basest charac- 


Whiie every ter, are loaded with wealth beyond all the uses of na- 

Attendant in 
theSteward’s tlll'C 

lows in'vo- even to infamy and contempt, — John Bull himself is 
john°Buifon 011 the brink of Bankruptcy, his Manor House, Coil- 
Bankruptcy^ stitution Hall, ready to fall about his ears through neg- 
Fjimiiy 1 Beg- ant ^ want of Repairs, his Estate mortgaged beyond 
gars. the va i ue of its Fee-simple, and half his Family often 
have not a whole coat to their backs, nor a morsel of 
bread to put in their mouths, but what they obtain by 


, and wallowing in Luxury and Voluptuousness 


begging, or the assistance of the Parish. 


The intrusion Whilst the Stewardship continued in a branch of 
de Nor world John Bull’s own Family, the affairs of the Estate were 
ardship^and conducted with some regard to the family interest. But 


its conse¬ 
quences. 


an unlucky affair having thrown both the Stewardship 
and the Estate into other hands, the event has been 






followed by a long train of disastrous consequences; 
which, notwithstanding the strong remedies that from 
time to time have been applied, are not, to this day, 
entirely removed. This event was the forcible intru¬ 
sion of one Guillam de Norworld, an adventurer from 


the Frankland Family and Manor, into the Stewardship; 
who soon afterwards ousted the whole Bull Family, 

V * 

seized the Estate and Manor into his own hands, and 
parcelled it out among his rapacious Clerks, Lawyers, 
Bailiffs, and Bullies, who had assisted him in o- c ttin«* 
possession of the Stewardship. And that the effects of 
this Intrusion and Seizure are not yet entirely removed, 
is evident from the Stile and Language of the Steward’s 

Office unto this day; where such phrases as these_ 

c My Manors,’—‘ My Palaverium,’—‘ My faithful 
Folk-meeting,’ and the like, are in constant use by the 




sr 


mg 


to be 
married to 
John Bull’* 
Mother, ob¬ 
tains great 
influence on 
the Manor. 


Steward. This mode of speech passes now unnoticed, Books, ch. l. 
and unsuspected. But it is a genuine Relict of that 
Usurpation we have mentioned; and let John Bull be¬ 
ware ; the dog who ceases not to growl and shew his 
teeth at the full length of his chain, will assuredly bite, 
if he can slip, or break it. 

But to give some account of this disastrous event. Peterpretend- 
—We will begin with observing that the celebrated 
Peter, or Lord Peter, pretending to have been married 

to John Bull’s Mother, had at one time acquired great 

• * 

influence in her House, and assumed an almost absolute 
authority in all her concerns. And among other va¬ 
garies, he took it into Ins head to forbid any of her do¬ 
mestics to marry; and also strongly recommended ce¬ 
libacy to the whole Bull Family. 

Now Pious Ned, the Steward, whom we have al¬ 
ready mentioned, was so much devoted to this maxim 
of Peter’s, that lie would never marry ; or, if married, 
would never accompany with his wife. And, indeed, 
could lie have effected it, would have kept John Bull 
also, as the phrase is, all his life-time tied to his Mo¬ 
ther’s apron-strings. This Steward, in consequence of 
such a maxim, dying without legitimate issue, left room 
for pretentions to the Stewardship, which, in the event, 
proved most fatal to John Bull and his Family. 

Immediately upon the decease of this 1 ious IScd, fj ar i 0 dassumes 
as we have said, without Issue, one Ilarlod, whose Fa- 2 f p ® tcward " 
(her Goodgain had been a great favourite both with 
John and his Steward, stepped into the Stewardship; 
under pretence that he had been nominated to it by the 
said Ned, his Predecessor. And though John Bull 

e 2 


28 


Book 2. ch. l. might have expected to liave been considted on such 
an occasion; yet, his father having been, as was said, a 
favourite with the Family, Jlarlod found no great op¬ 
position on the Manor. But one Guillam de Nor- 
world, a Copyholder on the Frankland Manor, setting 
up also the same pretension of being nominated by 
Pious Ned, would assume the Office, not only without 
consulting John Bull, but in direct defiance of him 
and all his Family. This was such an insult as John 
could not possibly put up with, and therefore he readily 
agreed to support Harlod’s pretensions ; in short, ail 
action of Quo Warranto being immediately brought 
by Guillam against Harlod, he was ejected, and even 
lost his life in the quarrel. 

After a. dec i- It must be confessed, that on the present occasion, 

Bar is eject- the cause was not, as Lawsuits generally are, protracted 
Jam de Nor- from Term to Term by the chicanery of Lawyers. 

Here the Parties on each side being themselves Lawyers 
by Profession, and at Law in their own Cause, Issue 
was soon joined ; and the Suit closed by one decisive 
Trial at Bar, which ended in favour of Guillam. or 
though Guillam did not, I believe, retain one Lawyer 
of John’s Family, nor had one holder on the Manor on 
iiis side; yet having, beside Bailiffs, Bullies and Ban¬ 
ditti without number, brought a whole Train of hungry 
Lawyers from the Frankland Manor, whom he pro¬ 
mised to reward with Clerkships and other Appoint¬ 
ments in the Steward’s Office, and with parcels of John 
Bull’s Estate; which he knew he could easily find pre¬ 
tences to seize, and to share out among them—he thus 
brought the cause to issue at once; and, true or false, 
had a Perdict in his favour. 


I 


29 


It must be allowed, that this cause was vigorously Book 2. ch l. 
defended by Harlod, and the Squire himself supported 
it with all his means and power; but Harlod having 
fallen a victim to fatigue and great exertions in the 
cause before it came to a decision, the Verdict was as 
we have stated ; and, in consequence of this Verdict, 

Guillam took immediate, and forcible, Possession of 
the Stewardship. 

But though Guillam’s claim was at first only to the Guillam seizes 
Stewardship, he soon found pretences and means to Estate^ into 
oust the Proprietor, and to seize the whole Estate into hands. °" U 
his own hands, which he afterwards parcelled out at 
pleasure among his craving Clerks and Lawyers, who 
had assisted him in seizing the possession. And so far 
was John Bull at this time from being able to make any 
effectual resistance, or to eject him either from the 
Estate or Stewardship, that it appears, from an authen¬ 
tic Record of that day, that in a short time there was 
not a man of John Bull’s Family left in possession of 
one foot of Land on the whole Manor. 

Here it may be proper to pause a little, and to ob¬ 
serve—That this forcible intrusion of Guillam Nor- 


world into the Stewardship, and consequent violent 


seizure of the Estate, is the sole foundation of all the 


enormous Claims and extravagant Pretensions of suc¬ 
ceeding Stewards; and of that presumptuous and as¬ 
suming Stile which they affect even to this day. And 
to recover back his Property, and Natural Rights and 
Possession out of the rapacious grasp of those Usurpers, 


The usurpation 
of Guillam 
Norworld,the 
foundation of 
all the enor¬ 
mous claims 
of succeed- 
ingStevvards. 


and to reduce them to their natural and proper station, 
has been the object of all the violent struggles John 
Bull has been obliged to maintain with the successive 


30 


Book 2. ch. l. Stewards ; and this Recovery is, even at this day, but 
imperfectly effected. John has, indeed, constantly 
disputed their pretensions, and asserted his own Right; 
and has had many Lawsuits with them, which have 
generally ended in his favour. And he has frequently 
even turned individuals out of the Stewardship, and 
introduced others under necessary restrictions; and 
once, perhaps a little too rashly, actually had one 
hanged for his presumption, and mal-practiccs. Not¬ 
withstanding all this, yet such in general is the assum- 
The encroach- ing, encroaching, and incorrigible character of men of 
corrigible 111 ' that Station, that they are constantly setting up new, 
Steward ism. or reviving old Claims; or^ usurping and extending 
their authority and power, without any ostensible claim 
at all. And this in spite of the most forcible Restrictions, 
the most clear and decided Rights, the most binding 
Obligations, and the most solemn Oaths and Engage¬ 
ments to the contrary. 

The truth is, through the great improvement, 
and increased value, of John’s Manor by the activity 
and industry of his Family, since he has in part reco¬ 
vered the possession of it, so much money goes through 
the Steward’s hands, that he is able, under various pre¬ 
tences, to keep up a number of Lawyers, Solicitors 
and Clerks, beside a set of worthless parasitical Expect¬ 
ants of Place and Appointment, always hanging oil 
about his Office; and these all ready for the basest and 
most profligate undertaking that can be proposed to 
them—so that the honest, easy, unsuspecting Squire is 
by no means a match for them. 

And though, when they have come to an open 
quarrel, and a fair Trial at Law, John, as having Right 


31 


on liis side, has generally obtained Judgment in his B >ok 2. ch.l. 
favour; yet by chicanery, by influence, by art, and 
collusion, the Stewards have still contrived, and do still 
contrive, to evade the force and due execution of every 
Sentence and Judgment obtained against them, and to 
elude every obligation to honour and honesty that can 
be laid upon them. And now, by the Intrigues of the 
Steward’s Office, and that commerce of Prostitution, 
carried on as we shall have occasion to mention—be¬ 
tween the Steward’s Agents and Mrs. Bull's Domestics, 
they have, in effect, at this time, got nearly as entire 
Possession of John Bull’s Estate, and as much the 
command of his Property, as Guillam Norworld him¬ 
self had; with this additional advantage,—that John 
having still the nominal Possession, his family are still 
induced to labour upon it, and to cultivate it for them. 

And this they have done, with that activity, industry, 
and ingenuity, that they have brought to the highest 
state of cultivation and improvement, what those vo¬ 
racious Drones, in their own hands, would soon have 
devoured, and might at this day, in all probability, 
been as much Outcasts, and Vagabonds, as the Baboon 
Family themselves lately were; and may probably soon 
again be. 

But let us now proceed to trace the successive steps 
by which all this has been effected; and by which 
John Bull has, through many hard struggles, recovered 
his Estate, in profession at least, out of the hands of 
the Usurper; and even reduced the Steward’s Office 
and Authority within certain acknowledged bounds, 
and nearer to its original limits. And as we proceed, 
let it be especially observed,—that not once concession 


Book 2. ch. l. lias been made, not one step towards this Recovery was 
ever obtained from those Usurpers by their will or con¬ 
sent, without being extorted by necessity and down¬ 
right compulsion. 


Chap. II. 


Contents.— The cruel oppressions exercised by Guillam Norworld upon 
the Bull Family.—Whole Parishes desolated, and the Inhabitants 
turned out destitute of every thing—in order to convert their Posses¬ 
sions into Forests for wild Beast, Deer Parks, and Shooting Grounds 
—The most shocking Mutilations enacted as the punishment for any 
violation of these Sporting Grounds, or killing any of the Wild Crea¬ 
tures belonging to them.—The Curfew, or Coverfire Horn—The Ma¬ 
nor of Albion a Palatinate, having sovereign jurisdiction within it¬ 
self.—Patient endurance a distinguished feature of the Bull Charac¬ 
ter—But when that is tired out, decisive and vigorous action a no less 
distinguishing feature.—Hence a hint to John Bull’s present Drivers. 


The pitiless It would be painful, especially to John Bull and his 

btirhciri t ics 

of Guillam Family, for whom I write, to enumerate the shocking 
0M ' 01 l “ instances of Injustice and Oppression, of Insult and 
Cruelty, exercised upon their Ancestors, by Guillam 
de Norworld and his Successors. Guillam, indeed, 
did not long even pretend to act as Steward, but openly 
assumed the full possession, and conducted himself as 
sole Proprietor, of the Estate; nor regarded Copy of 
Court Roll, Custom of the Manor, or any Tenure 
whatsoever; but disposed of every thing merely by 
his own arbitrary will. In consequence of which, he 
not only gave away the Rights of the Lands among 




33 


Lis craving train of Clerks and Lawyers ; but for the B™k 2 . ch. 2. 
mere purpose of providing Pleasure Plots and Sporting 
Grounds, turned the Inhabitants out of their houses, 
throughout whole Villages and Parishes; and with the 
most pitiless barbarity, left them stripped of all their 
Property, to perisli by hundreds for want of food, clo¬ 
thing, and shelter; and all this for the sake of mere 
amusement, to make room for Pleasure-Grounds, Ten¬ 
nis-Courts, Cricket-Fields, Dog-kennels, Deer-Parks, 
and Menageries for Wild Beasts,* for the Entertainment 
of himself and his insolent Clerks and Lawyers; who 
had now nothing else to do but to sport, and drink, 
and riot, and revel on John Bull’s Estate and Property. 

In short, within a few years after this intrusion of Guil- 
lam Norworld, not one of John Bull’s family, as has 
been said, were left in possession of a single acre of 
Land on the whole of his large Estates and extensive 
Manors ; but were reduced to be dependents and vas¬ 
sals upon those Ijands which were formerly their own. 

Indeed, to such a degree did Guillam carry his usur¬ 
pation and oppression, that for some time John’s family 
were in no better state than Boors, or Predial Slaves; 
and were transferred from one Master to another, with 
the lands they lived upon, at the mere will of the Pos¬ 
sessor. 

And so far was the contempt for the persons and Shocking p . in - 
lives of the Inhabitants, and the partiality for those 
Sporting Grounds carried, that it was a greater Crime, 
and subjected to severer Punishment, to kill one of the 
Birds or Wild Beasts within, or which had escaped out 
from, any of those Aviaries or Parks, or to commit any 


ishments fur 
trespasses on 
the Steward's 
Sporting 
Grounds. 




Forests and Forest-laws.—Pretd. Com. 

F 




Book 2. ch.2. Trespass upon those Sporting Grounds, than to kill a 
Man of John Bull’s Family. And sucli was the prac¬ 
tice of chopping ofF of Feet, Hands, and Heads, such 
the Manglings, Mutilations, Castrations, and various 
other Tortures inflicted for these Trespasses, + that it is 
truly shocking to read or hear the mention of them. 
And, indeed, they would be altogether incredible, did 
not both the Facts, and Laws, stand still upon Record 
in the Courts of the Manor : for the above is not a list 
of cruelties set down at random, but the specific Punish¬ 
ments expressly prescribed, and daily inflicted, for tres¬ 
passes on those Sporting Grounds. And so jealous 
was the conscious Usurper, and so afraid of plots and 
vengeance, which he knew he had deserved, that all the 
Inhabitants of the Manor were obliged to shut up their 
Houses, to extinguish their Fires, and to put out their 
Candles, at the sound of a Horn which was blown at a 
certain hour, called the Coverflre Horn; after which, if 
a light was seen in the house of any of the Bull family, 
the inhabitants of it were subjected to the punishments 
above mentioned. 

The Albion It may, perhaps, be proper to premise here—that 

bitinate^vviui John Bull’s Manor of Albion is a kind of Palatinate, 

• • 

b °risdtcUon U " an d has a Legislative Sovereignty, and Independent 

Awthm itself. Jurisdiction, within itself. 

It will easily be supposed that at this time, the 
Building of John Bull’s Manor House, or Constitution 
Hall, was entirely at a stand. Not only so, indeed, 
but what had been already raised, Avas suffered to fall 
again into ruins ; or even pulled down by the insolent 
Intruder. At this period the Bull Family may be con- 


+ Forests and Forest-laws.—Pretd. Com. 




I 


o ^ 

3 o 



siclcred as at the lowest stage of human depression and Book % ch. 2 
misery; and in this degraded state they continued du¬ 
ring the whole Stewardship of Guillam Norworld. 

There is a kind of patient enduring hardiness in Patient hardi- 
thc Bull character, which at this time stood John in 
great stead; and it would appear, that though he saw 
himself and family sunk thus low, he never lost entirely 
either his hopes or his spirits. This seems, indeed, to 
be a distinguishing Characteristic of the Bull Family 
—that though, upon any little distaste, provocation, or 
disaster, which only stirs and frets their passions and 
humours, they are apt to sink into despondency and 
dejection of spirits, and are ready to hang and drown 
themselves.—Yet, on great occasions, fit to rouse the 
stronger passions, and call forth Vigour of Mind and 
Strength of Character, none have borne heavy calami- Determined 
tics with more patience, firmness, and fortitude; nor ™ es "ess'°diS 
extricated themselves from them with more prudence, 
determination, and spirit, when the just Moment for 
Resolution and Action has arrived. 

And as from the Jirst of these Dispositions,—his 
Passive Endurance,—we may account for the patience 
with which John bears his present burdens; and, lest 
his sufferings should force him, in spite of patience, to 
cry out, submits to go abroad with a Gag in his mouth.* This last n 
—So from the second ,—his Spirit and Resolution when cumstance,- 

and may sup 
ply a hint to 

—we nlay still hope that he will awake in time to save Drivers?* 111 & 
his Family, his Manor House, and his Estate. And 
that when his present driv* rs have goaded him to the 
full measure of his patience, he will summon up suf- 


Dctermination and Action become decisively necessary 


ness a distin¬ 
guishing fea¬ 
ture of the 
Bull Charac¬ 
ter. 


* The Pitt and Grenville Acts.—Pretd. Comt. 

F 2 



Book 2. ch.2. ficieni Resolution and Spirit to shew them that John 
Bull is still himself; and will be Master of his own 
Family, Disposer of his own Estate, and Lord of his 
own Manor. 

» 

These are considerations that might surely deserve 
the attention of those Knaves of the Steward's Office, 
who seem, and not without some reason, to reckon 
upon John Bull’s patience being inexhaustible ; and 
that his Spirit is entirely worn out, and his Character 
changed. It must be confessed, that John at present 
certainly exhibits a striking instance of one part of the 
Christian character; that charity, which c beareth all 
Those Drivers things.’ Though it would seem that those who lay his 
su P me t0 upmi present burdens upon him are apt to ascribe to him ra- 
"n^ther the character of Isachar the Jew, than of John 
tile ^Family the Christian,—rather that of the Ass than of the Bull 
Character. — Isachar is a strong Ass couching down between two 
burdens : and from the nature of the bearing required 
of him, this is certainly the more appropriate charac¬ 
teristic — u lie bowed his shoulders to bear, and be¬ 
came a servant unto tribute.” But more of this when 
we come to that part of the subject to which it be¬ 
longs. 

In this disastrous state of his Affairs, which con¬ 
tinued to the death of Guillam Nonvorld, John seems 
to have lain by in sullen silence, with determined pa¬ 
tience to wait occasion : as perhaps, he also does at pre¬ 
sent. And some events soon happened to revive his 
hopes, and gave him an opportunity of coming a little 
more forward in the scene. ” 


37 


Chap. III. 


Book- . ch. 3 . 


Contents. —The Stewardship of Guillam Redbeard.—Here commence 
the successive Steps by which John Bull recovered his Estate out of 
the Hands of the usurping Stewards—On the death of Guillam Nor- 
world, his eldest Son Bob being out of the way, his younger Brother, 
Billy Redbeard, takes possession of the Stewardship.—This a circum¬ 
stance highly favourable for John Bull—as the Usurper found it con¬ 
venient to conciliate the good will of the Folk on the Manor, of which 
the Bull Family still formed a great Majority.—John not a wanting 
to himself and Family on this occasion—From being mere Vassals on 
their own Lands, they obtain more liberal Tenures—A Fact requiring 
constant attention—that to this day not one concession has been ob¬ 
tained from these Usurpers, but by strong and irresistible necessity. 


\ 

When this Guillam de Norworld died, his eldest Son 
Bob, who lived on the Manor of Norworld, and should 
have succeeded him, being absent, his second Son, Billy ^ „ , 

707 7 J Guillam Red- 

lledbeard, being on the spot, immediately seized posses- 

sion of the Albion Manor. And, before his Brother could bis E?der 

BrotherBob. 

take the necessary steps to dispossess him; he, by indul¬ 
gences to Tenants, and by favours and fair promises to 
all who lived on the Estate;—among whom, John’s 
Family were too numerous to be entirely overlooked— 
found means so well to confirm his usurpation, that 
his Elder Brother was obliged to come to a compromise 
with him, and to leave him in possession of the Estate 
for his life. This was an occurrence greatly in John Thisfl c5rcum . 
Bull’s favour. In point of conscience, of affection, or \ l * n f n e 
of right, it was, indeed, a matter of perfect indifference Bull ’ sfaT °ur 
to John, which of the two usurpers held the Manor; 
but with respect to his own views and pretensions, the 
most exceptionable Possessor was certainly preferable; 
as in a Possession so got, and so kept, it must be of 
great importance to the Usurper, if possible, to stand 
well with all that held of, or lived upon, the Estate; 


38 


Book 2 ch. 3. 


The Bull Fam¬ 
ily again be¬ 
gin to better 
their Situa¬ 
tion. 


For which ob¬ 
ject they 
have been in 
constant 
to 

this day. 


a 


struggle 


and John Bull’s Family, however depressed, being 
by far the most numerous portion of the Inhabitants, 
Guillam found it necessary to pny some attention to 
them. Nor was John a wanting to himself and Family, 
or slack in taking advantage of the occason, and as¬ 
suming the importance it gave him. 

Thus, from being mere Vassals, or at best, Tenants 
at Will, some of the Family found means to improve 
their Tenures, and to obtain Leases, Copyholds, and a 
few, even Freehold Rights, in their Possessions. This 
was the first step made by John towards recovering 
Possession of his Manor; an object which lie never 
seems to have lost sight of, or to have omitted any op¬ 
portunity of asserting his claim to. And from this 
time, to the present, the Family have been engaged in 
almost constant struggles with the successive Stewards 
for their remaining Rights, Property, and Privileges; 
an object which, though it has not been altogether un¬ 


successfully attempted, has yet been but partially ob¬ 


tained. Or rather, whatever has been at one time most 
effectually obtained, has, by the constant encroaching 
character of the Stewards, been again so entirely voided, 
annulled, or evaded, that all has been in a manner to 
begin again. And perhaps, John Bull, his Family, 
and Property, were never, in fact, so entirely at the 
will and disposal of the Steward as at this very mo¬ 
ment; nor more immediately in danger of Ruin from 
beina: so. 

And it is highly worthy of observation, and a 
point to which the attention ought constantly to be 
called,—that notwithstanding the shameful Usurpation 
by which this Norworld Race of Stewards, from which 




39 


all since are descended, came into office, and the pal- Book 2 . ch. s. 
pable violence by which they seized the Estate, and 
that this is the original foundation of the pretensions 
of all the successive Stewards,—yet not one Pretension Not one pr<s . 
has been voluntarily resigned, not one Right conceded, 
not one Usurpation surrendered, but what has been ex¬ 
torted by dint of imperious necessity, and downright 
compulsion. And even when some of them have been 
expelled the Office, some banished the Manor, some 
hanged; and others substituted in their stead, on ex¬ 
press condition of restricting themselves simply to the 
Duties and Exercise of the Stewardship, and managing 


tension of the 
Norworld 
Usurper 
yielded by 
his Succes¬ 
sors, to this 
day, but by 
necessity and 
strong com¬ 
pulsion. 


the Atlairs of the Estate solely for the Proprietor, and 
under his controul and direction by the Laws of the 
Manor.—Yet no sooner have they got into office than 
they have begun,—some more openly, some more co¬ 
vertly,—to act the very same part with their predeces¬ 
sors—to consider the Estate and all upon it as their 
Property, and to waste it with the most boundless Pro¬ 
fusion, in vain pomp, parade, luxury, and vice,—to 
lavish it on their Minions, Amours, Mistresses, Bas¬ 
tards, Pimps and Panders; and by degrees to assume 
all the pretensions of the most acknowledged, and pun¬ 
ished, usurpers.—So true is the saying of the Satirist: 

• ■* 

Rarus enim ferme sensus communis in ilia 
Fortuna— 


So rare almost is even Common Sense in that Station 
of life.* And such, in general, is the incorrigible cha¬ 
racter of Stewards. 


* If instead of Common Sense, we render it a Sense of the Common 
Rights of Mankind—as some have done—the observation will be equally 
just, aud equally applicable here. 





40 




I 




Book 2 .cii. 4. Chap. IV. 


Contents. —The Stewardship of Harry Good-clerk, or Harry the Scholar. 
—On the death of Billy Redbeard, who had his Brains knocked out 
at play in those Sporting Grounds we have mentioned, the luckless 
elder Brother Bob being still further out of the way than before— 
Harry, another younger Brother, steps into the Stewardship—This 
Event still more in favour of John Bull; as Harry, to secure his Pos¬ 
session was glad to make still further Concessions to the Family,—in 
consequence of these, John Bull gets his Privileges confirmed by an 
authentic Instrument in Writing—now begins to resume the Port of 
a Gentleman. 


Harry the scho- It was not long before another event, with exactly the 
Jar—intrudes . / P T . 

himself upon same circumstances as the former, gave John an op- 

Bob’s Right, portunify or still riinher improving his situation, ana 

manner^^that recovering his Rights. This Guillam Red beard’s 

had done 11 Usurpation was but of short continuance. As he was 

one day playing at Cricket in those Sporting Grounds, 

from which his Father had stripped, and turned out 

the poor Inhabitants to perish, lie happened to have 

his Brains beat out by a Cricket-ball, which rebounded 

from the Bat of one of his Players. It lias, indeed, 

been observed—that, beside other disastrous events to 

the Family which have fallen out on the same Grounds, 

this was the second Son of Guillam Norworld who had 

met his fate in them. Which some have considered as 

a Judgment for the cruelty of stripping and turning 

out to starve, so many helpless people, and converting 

their Fields and Habitations into Sporting Grounds for 

mere pleasure and amusement. 

When the above event happened, that luckless 
Wight, the elder Brother Bob, was still farther out 
of the way than before. He was now gone to the 
Country of Sacraterr, along with a set of mad in- 











\ 


41 

. ^ 

fatuatecl fellows from almost every Manor in Euposia, Books, ch.4. 
under pretence of zeal and regard for the Memory 
of a Prince, a great benefactor to Mankind; to 
recover out of the hands of the Apistoi the Place 
where he had been buried. While at the same time, 
they paid not the least regard to a most excellent sys¬ 
tem of Laws and Moral Institutions which the same 
Prince had left them; nor to the most inimitable Ex¬ 
ample and Precepts which he had personally set before 
them. To equip himself to join this mad Rabble, 

Rob had mortgaged his Manor of Norworld to his 
Brother Guillam ; and being now absent upon this fan- Stewardship of 
tastical business, Harry, another still younger Brother, Harry, 
stept info the Office of Steward, or rather took posses¬ 
sion of the Manor of Albion : for at this time the 
Stewards might still be said to hold the Proprietorship 
of John Bull’s Estate. This was luckily an event still 
further favourable for John ; and one which he did not 
fail to improve. For, as he deservedly considered the 
whole Family as violent and unjust Intruders, it was a 
matter of no concern to him in point of Right, which 
of them held the Estate, whilst he was kept out of it. 

And as he, whose title was worst founded, was likely 
to be most liberal in concessions, John, for the time, 
readily acquiesced in this Harry’s usurpation; and this 
procured him many further indulgences. Particularly, 
the Family were now no longer obliged to extinguish 
their fires and put out their Candles at the sound of the 
Usurper’s Coverfire Horn; and thus John Bull might 
be said to have recovered possession, at least of his 
own House. 

G 


42 


Book 2. ch. . But this was not all: for John not now only ex- 
The First liar-tended and improved his Tenures, but obtained the 
restoration of some of the Ancient Rules of Court and 
Customs of the Manor, which had been established in 
the Stewardship of Pious Ned ; and to which the Bull 
Family were very partial. Indeed, those Rules and 
Customs were not only highly reasonable and conve¬ 
nient in themselves, but also very favourable to the pri¬ 
vileges of all who lived upon the Estate, or held of the 
Manor. For this reason, even the Clerks and Law¬ 
yers of the Norv’orld Race, to whom the first Guillam 
had so lavishly parcelled out John’s Estate, were ex¬ 
ceedingly ready to join in obtaining this Restoration of 
the Courts and Ancient Customs of the Manor, as an 
improvement of even their Tenures; for by this they 
became entitled to the benefit of the Manor House, or 
Constitution Hall, when they had occasion to attend 
the Courts of the Manor, and to other privileges which 
belonged to all who lived on the Estate, before Guillam 
Norworld’s Usurpation. For then, John, as before 
observed, lived on his Estate, among his Tenants, who 
were mostly branches of his own Family, like a Patri¬ 
arch in the midst of his Descendants; and all were 
held in a free and liberal condition. And it was espe¬ 
cially provided by the Laws of the Manor, that it 
should not be in the power of any insolent Steward to 
injure and oppress the Tenants at his pleasure. In 
this respect, of a liberal Tenure, and well protected 
Tenantry, John Bull’s Manor has always been distin¬ 
guished from almost every one in the whole Country : 
except on particular occasions, as at the time we are 


43 


now speaking of, when the Laws and Customs of the Book 2. ch. 4. 
Manor have been entirely subverted by the insolence 
and usurpation of the Stewards. 

Thus, this Harry, intruding upon the Right of his The First Har- 
Elder Brother, as had been the case before with Guil- ry * 
lam Redbeard; was, like him, glad to resign something 
further of the unjust and usurped pretensions of the 
Stewardship ; and agreed to enlarge the Privileges of 
the Tenants and different Holders on the Manor, in 
order to attach them more sincerely to his interest in 
preference to that of his Brother. But he still affected 
to act rather as Lord of the Manor, than as Steward, 
and to hold John rather as his Feuditory, than as his 
Lord. 

At this time, however, those recovered Rights, and 
Laws, which had hitherto rested wholly on Usage, and 
the Custom of the Manor, were committed to writing, Grants a writ- 
and solemnly sanctioned by all Parties, in Deeds and of Restored 
Chartered Agreements. And this was the first valid R,&htb ‘ 
step toward reducing the usurped power of those in¬ 
truding Stewards, and recovering that entire and ac¬ 
knowledged possession, which John Bull originally 
held of his Estate and Manor. 

John Bull began now again to assume something 
of the port, and make the appearance, of a Gentleman, 
and to claim, in behalf of his Family, the Privileges 
and Protection of the Manor House; of which the 
Remains still stood an Evidence of his original Pos¬ 
session. Some attention began also now to be paid to¬ 
wards repairing the Breaches, and advancing the build¬ 
ing of this favourite Mansion. Not that the Stewards 
cither forwarded, or willingly indulged this Work; for 

G 2 


44 

’ / 

Book 2 . ch. 4. they wished neither Lord nor Tenant to have any Pri¬ 
vilege or Protection, but at their immediate will and 
pleasure. But this was effected by John himself and 
the Family, who had now recovered some influence on 
the Manor, and indulged the hope of regaining some 
permanent and acknowledged Rights in their own 
Estates. 

Here we will bestow a word or two upon the luck¬ 
less Elder Brother Bob, though little further connected 
with our subject. In Sacraterr he had gained great re¬ 
nown, and had even been offered the sovereignty of 
The hapless the City of Salem, which the Mad Rabble we have 
the Eider mentioned, had really wrested out of the Hands of the 
Apistoi; but this he declined accepting. And having 
heard of the death of his Brother Guillam, he hastened 
his return home, to take possession of the Manor of 
Albion, according to their Agreement. But alas ! he 
found himself once more anticipated by this Harry, 
his other younger Brother,w ho was now in full Posses¬ 
sion of the Estate. Robert at first brought an Action 
of Ejectment against his Brother; but according to 
the Maxim, that £ Possession is nine points of the law, 7 
The First Har- he found Harry so well fixed in his Usurpation that 
ry there was little prospect of success. The two Brothers 
therefore came to a compromise on the same condi¬ 
tions, as the former between Robert and Guillam—that 
the present Possessor should hold for Life, and the Re¬ 
version should be in the Elder Brother. 

As to John Bull, neither of those presumptuous 
Intruders once consulted him, or seemed to make the 
least account of him or his Rights in their Agreement. 
And John seemed to give himself as little concern 





45 


’which of them retained the Usurpation; in the hands Book 2 . cli. 4 t 
of either, a disputed Possession was in his favour. 

But so far was Harry from being satisfied with the 
present Possession of the Manor of Albion, that found¬ 
ing his Claim by some quirk of Law on the Mortgage 
made to his Brother Guillam,—he commenced a Law¬ 
suit for Squire Robert’s own Manor of Norworld, and 
at last absolutely obtained the Possession of it. And 
thus, by mere dint of Law, in defiance of honour and 
justice, he stripped his poor Elder Brother of all his 
Possessions, and sent him to Jail, where lie actually 
kept him till he died. 

However, all these quarrels and disputes of the 
usurping Stewards, were highly favourable for John 
Bull; as the immediate Possessor, generally, conscious 
of the injustice, and consequent instability, of his Te¬ 
nure, still thought it necessary to conciliate, by indul¬ 
gence, the good-will of the Tenants, and of all who held 
of the Manor, or lived on the Estate. 


46 


« 


Book 2. cb. 5. 


Chap. 


V. 


Contexts.— The Stewardship of Stephen, or Steen, the double Usurper.— 
Harry having left but one Daughter, named Madelin, who had a son 
named Harry, an Infant—consigns to them the Stewardship and Ma¬ 
nor.—But Madelin being married at a distance, her Cousin Steen 
seizes the Possession.—The Bull Family do not fail to profit by the 
great concessions this Steen was glad to make, as conscious of a dou¬ 
ble Usurpation.—All which Concessions, in the true Stewardical 
Spirit, the moment he found himself fixed in his Station, he attempts 
to recal.—Harry, the Son of Madelin, being grown up, commences 
a Lawsuit with Steen.—Steen dying, Harry takes undisputed Pos¬ 
session—His Mother, though alive, foregoing her claim in favour of 
her Son. 


The steward- It does not appear that Bob left any Family; and 
shipof Steen. ^ough Harry, when he died, left but one child, and 

that a Daughter, named Madelin, married in a distant 
country; yet he had the assurance to consign to her the 
Manor with all upon it, with as little hesitation or con¬ 
sulting of John Bull as if it had been his own Rightful 
Inheritance.—But she being, as has been said, married 
and settled in a distant country, her Cousin Steen, the 
Son of a Sister of the two preceding Usurpers being 
brought up, and highly favoured and trusted, by his 
Uncle Harry, made him the truly Stewardical return, 
to seize on his absent Daughter’s Inheritance. He in¬ 
truded himself into the Stewardship; and, like the 
others, soon seized the whole Estate into his hand. 
For John’s Family were still too much depressed to be 
able to vindicate their own Rights. 

But though John Bull was not yet in a condition 
effectually to vindicate his Rights, he never resigned 
his Claims, and. seldom omitted any opportunity that 
occurred to assert them, and to recover such parts of 
his Rights and Possessions as he was able to obtain. 





i 


47 

* 

And particularly he did not fail to profit by the con- Book 2. ch. 5. 
cessions that this Steen was glad to make, as conscious 
that he was a double Usurper, both from John and 
from the Heir of his own Family; as, indeed, his two 
immediate Predecessors also had been. But this Steen 
was a complete knave, a rogue in grain, without pre¬ 
tence either to honour or honesty; and no sooner did 
he think himself in secure possession, than he attempted 
to recal every concession he had made. 

But Harry, the Son of Madelin above mentioned, 
by a second Husband one Squire Broomstick, being 
grown up and commencing his rival, to Law they 
went about the Possession; but in the end, a Compro¬ 
mise was made, upon the same terms as in the two for¬ 
mer instances,—that Steen should hold Possession dur¬ 
ing his Life, and that Harry should succeed him. And 
Steen dying the next year after this agreement, this 
Harry, the Grandson of the former Harry, took Pos¬ 
session without opposition. For though his Mother 
was still alive, she agreed to forego her claim in favour 
of her Son. 


Book 2. ch. 6. 


48 

Chap. VI. 







Contexts. —Stewardship of the Second Harry, or Harry Broomstick.— 
This Harry an active, spirited Young Man—nor altogether void of 
Justice and Generosity—Renews, by express Deed, all the Privileges 
granted to the Family by his Predecessors—and restores some more 
of the Ancient Laws and Customs of the Manor.—Somewhat unfor¬ 
tunate in a Dispute with the celebrated Peter, on account of one 
Tom Pecket, Domestic Steward to John Bull’s Mother.—This Peter 
one of the most impudent, audacious, assuming Fellows in the 
World. 


The steward-T his Harry, called, from the name of his Family, 
Second Ha* Harry Broomstick, was an active, alert, spirited Spark, 

r v 

not altogether destitute of Justice and Generosity, nor 
unworthy of the Stewardship, had it come to him by a 
rightly derived title, and been held, according to the 
Constitution of the Manor, as a delegated Office and 
Trust, but as he acceded in an usurped Succession, it 
was natural for him to wish to hold Possession as he had 
received it. 

He, however, renewed, by express Deed, all the 
Privileges granted to the Tenants, under whatever te¬ 
nure they held, by his Grandfather, or any other of his 
Predecessors; many of which had been violated, in- 
croached upon, or arbitrarily set aside, by the succes- 
Rencws by ex- s i ye Stewards, whenever they thought themselves suf- 
ai?tbe PHv?- ^ c ^ en ^y fi xe d i n their stations. He also agreed to the 
i*yMsGrand- res t° r i n g of some more of the Ancient Manorial Cus- 
father— with toms and Rules of Court, established by Alfrank and 
indulgences. Pious Ned; which were still highly prized, and fondly 
claimed by John Bull’s Family. Who, though they 
could in general, still be reckoned only Tenants at will 
on their own Estates, were daily claiming and recover- 






49 


ing more and more of their ancient and natural Rights Book 2. ch. 6. 
and Possessions. 

But this Harry was somewhat unfortunate in a Harry’s unfor- 
dispute he had with that famous Peter, whom we have p”"® 16 
already had occasion to mention, on account of one i>eter * 

Tom Pecket, domestic Steward to John Bull’s Mother. 

This Peter, or, as he will have himself stiled, Lord Peter, 
from a mere obscure pedant, had become one of the most 
audacious and presumptuous Fellows thatever was heard 
of in the world. And from being Head Schoolmaster, Character of 
or Inspector of the Schools, for public Instruction in Peter. t0n<MlS 
two or three Parishes adjoining to his own, had, by 
degrees, assumed a pretence to dictate to every person 
upon every subject. Nor was it only in matters of 
speculation, opinion, and sentiment, that Peter pre¬ 
sumed absolutely to prescribe; but being sometimes 
called in to make Wills for People who could not read 
or write, and sometimes having the Property of such 
left in trust to his Fidelity ; he at last assumed the ab¬ 
solute Right of disposing of all the Property and Power 
of the whole Country round. But the History and 
Character of Peter, or, according to his own assumed 
stile, Lord Peter, and his two Brothers, Martin and 
John, have been so ably drawn by a masterly hand,* 
and are so well known, that I shall not here enter fur¬ 
ther upon them than may be necessary rightly to un¬ 
derstand the dispute between Peter and Harry: and 
this much, will, indeed, naturally arise out of the nar¬ 
ration itself. But there is another person whom we 
have also had occasion to mention, of w hom it may be 


* Sec Tale of a Tub. 
H 


/ 





% 

/ 


50 

Book 2. ch. 6. necessary to premise a few words—I mean the Pious 
and Venerable Matron, John Bull’s Mother. 


Chap. VII. 


Contents.— Some Account of John Bull’s Mother, and of the Introduc¬ 
tion of Schooling and Education into the Family under her Inspec¬ 
tion.—The notorious Peter, Eldest Son of the celebrated W—re of 
Babylon, as Visitor-general of Schools, obtains great influence in 
Madam Bull’s* * Family—hence takes occasion to give out that he is 
married to that Lady—and assumes an uncontroulable Authority, not 
only in her Honshold, but over the whole of her Son’s Family— 
Sends one Austin as his Deputy to the Bull Family—This man, 
wholly devoted to Peter, is for subjecting every thing to his Influ¬ 
ence.—Becomes Domestic Steward to Madam Bull,—a Station of 
great importance,—to which Peter ever after claims the right of ap¬ 
pointing.— Hence arise unavoidable quarrels with John Bull’s 
Steward. 


John Bull’s Mother is a Lady whose Character is 
so truly respectable, and so universally known and re¬ 


spected, that it is unnecessary to enlarge upon it here. 
Suffice it to observe—that according to the laudable 
simplicity of ancient Manners, by which Education 
began under the eye and care of the Mother, this vene¬ 


rable Matron had the province of early Instruction, 
Character of and the forming* of the Principles and Manners of the 
Mother. whole family in a great measure entrusted to her care. 

And, in this trust, she has acquitted herself with much 


fidelity and diligence. Not that she has been able, to 


\ 

* N. B. Through these Memoirs Mrs. Bull always refers to Johu 
Bull’s Wife, Madam Bull to 1ns Mother. 








/ 


51 


the present time, entirely to preserve her Family and Book 2. ch. 7 , 
Servants from the contagion of that all-pervading*, and 
all-perverting, influence of the Steward’s Office, or, 
from that consequent Prostitution which has so tho¬ 
roughly corrupted and depraved Mrs. Bull’s Hous- 
hold.* In consequence of this pernicious influence, 
through the treachery of unfaithful Servants, even John 
Bull’s Mother, or at least many in high trust in her 
Ilousholdj have been suspected, at times, of favouring 
the Steward’s interest in preference to that of her Son, 
not to say even to that of her Husband. Nor have 
those unworthy Domestics been held altogether clear of 
concern in that Commerce of Prostitution so notoriously 
carried on between the Steward’s Office and Mrs. Bull’s 
Houshold. But of this hereafter. 

From this Trust in the Education of the Family Peter’s assum- 
being confided to John Bull’s Mother, the notorious fn lutlu john 
Peter, who, as we have said, pretended to preside over Jher’s Fam¬ 
uli Seminaries of Instruction, and to be Inspector-gen- lly * 
eral of all Teaching and Teachers in the Country, as¬ 
sumed a Pretence to intermeddle much in her Family; p re tends to 
especially under colour of giving advice, of pointing J^ a V rried beC to 
out the proper subjects of Instruction, and appointing that Lady. 
Teachers. And being a plausible fellow, before his 
real character was discovered, he had acquired no little 
influence and authority with the Good Lady; from 
which she found it not an easy matter afterwards to 
disengage herself. It was this assumed influence and 
authority that gave occasion to the Great W—re, his 
Dam, to give out that her Son Peter was married to 
John Bull’s Mother; and hence, to set up all the pre- 

* Church of England—Pret. Cornt. 

H 2 

I * - — 



52 


Book 2. eh- 7. fences, and all die attempts both lie and his Mother 
have made to get the ascendency in her Family, and 
to dispose, not only of her jointure, but of the whole 
of her Son’s Patrimony. 

It may be here observed—that John Bull’s Family 
were now become much more civilized than what we 
described them to be when they first got Possession ot 
The Roll Fam- the Albion Manor. Most of them had now learned 
more bC c?v?i-their Catechism, had been taught to say their Prayers, 
and to goto Chuch, and many could Read and Write. 

This change had been brought about chiefly by a 
Learn to read. Marriage which took place between one of John Bull’s 
Stewards, and a Daughter of the Frankland Steward. 
Taught their This Lady brought with her, into her Husband’s fam- 
ami^to" say dy? a Chaplain, by whose assistance she first-prevailed 
ers' and' "go on ^ el * Husband to learn to read, and, by degrees, to 
to Church. j je taught his Catechism, to say his Prayers, and to go 
to Church. And, as the example and influence of the 
Steward’s Family is sure to extend itself over the whole 
Manor, this practice of learning their Catechism, and 
goingto church, soon becam every general through the 
whole of John Bull’s Estates. 

Now Peter, who, as we have said, had assumed 
the Office of Inspector-general of Schools, or Prefect 
Peter sends °f It/istruction y and never omitted any opportunity of 
Usher’toas S ditruding himself into every one’s affairs, thought this 
sist Madam a fair occasion to send one of his Ushers to assist the 

liiill in teach¬ 
ing the Fam- Good Lady and her Chaplain above-mentioned. And 

by the good offices of the Lady, this Usher, whose 

name was Austin, met with so cordial a reception, and 

had so much success in his undertaking, that the whole 

Family soon became his Scholars ; and, in general, 





53 


made such good proficiency under him, that, in a short Book 2.cb. 7 . 
time, there was not a Tenant on the Estate who could 
not repeat his Paternoster, or who did not go to Church 
on Sundays ; which is more than can be said for some 
of the Family even at this day, after so long a course 
of schooling. 

This Austin also took care to have Schools and The Usher ap- 
Chapels built in proper Situations, where every one dam Bull’s 
might attend, which were all consigned to the Patron- Steward, 
age and Inspection of John Bull’s Mother; who, out 
of her very liberal Jointure, took care to have compe- 
tent Endowments settled upon them. This Usher was 
also soon appointed Madam Bull’s Domestic Steward, 
and had the chief management of her Houshold and 
Family Affairs, as also the principal Direction of these 
Schools and Chapels committed to him. 

This man was sufficiently active and diligent in Austin, a zeal- 
his Station, and did not neglect the tuition of the Fam- peer’s. 1 
ily ; but was more zealous in setting forth the high au¬ 
thority of his Master, Peter, and in recommending 
certain Dogmata and Credenda of his, than in explain¬ 
ing the last Will and Testament of Madam Bull’s Hus¬ 
band, or enforcing certain excellent maxims and rules 
which he had laid down in it for the regulation of his 
Family. In short, this man was a creature of Peter’s, 
by whom he had been sent, and to whom lie still reck¬ 
oned himself accountable; and he affected to hold 
him as Supreme Lord of his Mistress’s House, and 
that all the concerns of the Family were absolutely 
at his disposal. Thus, being much more attached to 
the interest of Peter, than to that of his Mistress, or of 
the Family in whose behalf he was employed,—a deep 


54 


Book 2 . cb. 7 


Peter’s bound 
less Preten 
sions and Irr 
trusion. 

\ 


scheme was laid by him and his Successors, in concert 
with Peter, to subject, not only the old Lady and her 
Family and Property, but her Son’s Family and Estate 
also, entirely to the Will and Authority of Peter, and 
his impudent unblushing Mother. Nay, he even pre¬ 
tended, that by her first Husband’s Will, he was left 
sole Executor, and by express appointment, had Ma¬ 
dam and all her concerns entirely consigned to his Dis¬ 
posal. Though it is certain her Husband never knew 
him ; nny, he was not born nor heard of, many years 
after her Husband’s Will was made and published. 

In effecting this their scheme, Peter and his Emis¬ 
saries began very modestly, by asking a single Penny 
of every House on the Manor, under pretence of sup¬ 
porting the Expence of the Schools, and paying the 
Schoolmasters and Chaplains.—This was called Peter’s 
Penny.—This, at first, was not much objected to; as 
every body was now anxious to have their Families in¬ 
structed, and zealous in saying their Prayers and going 
to Church. But what was at first a request, and granted 
by indulgence, was soon turned into a demand, and 
claimed as a Right; and from a single Penny, *was 
raised to a tenth part of every thing; and, by degrees, 
to whatever Peter and his prowling Agents thought fit 
to lay claim to; till, at last, they assumed a Right to 
enter every house at Pleasure, and take just what they 
had a mind to. Not a poor man’s Sow could farrow, 
but Peter must have a Pig from the litter, not a hen or 
duck could hatch, but he must have a couple from the 
brood,not a Housewife could send her Pasty to the Oven, 
but Peter must have a finger in the Pie. In short, his 
avarice w as equal to his impudence, and his Preten- 






55 


sions became unbounded; till at last, by tampering Book 2. ch. 7. 
■with one of John’s weak and treacherous Stewards,* he 
found means to obtain from him a formal surrender of 
of the whole Estate and Manor of Albion.—But of 
this in its place. 

Now, though John Bull is as honest hearted, good 
conditioned, free and generous a person, as one could 
wish to be acquainted with; and, if you take him on 
the right side, and, as Brother Sandy would say,— 

-‘ only speak him fair. 

And stroke him canny with the hair,’— 

and tliere is nothing fair and reasonable, generous and 
friendly, that you may not expect from him; yet no 
man is less fit to be made either a dupe, or a fool of. 

A truth which, I believe, Peter has, by this time, been 
taught, to his cost. For, as there was no Family or 
Estate in the whole Country round, in whose affairs 
Peter once intermeddled so much, and set up such 
exorbitant pretensions; so there is none in which his 
Influence is now so thoroughly excluded,—his Agents 
being outlawed, himself turned out of doors, and his 
Authority disclaimed, and entirely abolished.—But of 
this more hereafter. 

Suffice it at present—That it was become abso- It becomcs b 
lutely necessary to put some stop to the ridiculous 6olnte, y «e- 

J j r t. . cessary to 

and extravagant Pretensions of this Peter and his in- check Peter’s 

. ' enormous 

solent Agents. And to do this, after the footing he Pretensions. 

had got, was no easy matter. For, besides that John 

was ready to acknowledge some obligation to Peter for 

assisting to introduce Education and Manners into his 

Family,—Peter’s first Usher having been appointed 


* Jack Landless. 




56 


Book 2. ch. 7 . housliold steward to John Bull’s Mother,* Peter claimed 
the Right of ever after appointing one of his own 
Creatures to that Station; which had now become one 
of the greatest Trust and Importance ; and indeed, by 
the Custom of the Manor, is even, at this day, nomi¬ 
nally the very first station in subordination to John’s 
own Steward. At the time we are speaking of, this 
Appointment carried with it a great deal of weight and 
influence in all the affairs of the Family. In short, 
this domestic Steward and his Master, Peter, had as¬ 
sumed almost as absolute a power over Madam Bull, 
her Family, her Jointure, and all the Lands in which 
her Jointure was settled, as John’s Steward had done 
over himself and his Estate. 

John himself had, for a long time, been in no 
condition to oppose this Usurpation; and his knavish 
Stewards, who, from the decease of Pious Ned, had 
been no better than a succession of intruding Usurpers, 
were often glad to sit silent under these Pretensions, or 
even to favour them; that Lord Peter, who pretended 
to great authority in all these matters, and even to 
dispose of Stewardships and Manors all over the 
Country, might in his turn wink at, or favour their 
Usurpations. But from the clashing pretensions of the 
two Stewards, the Mother’s and (lie Son’s, on the same 
Lands and Estates, it was impossible that quarrels and 
jealousies should not arise between them. And this the 
event soon proved. 


* The Archbishop of Catuary. 







Chap. VIII. 


Book 2. ch. 8. 


Contents. Account of the Dispute between Harry the Steward and 
Lord Peter.—The enormous Pretensions assumed by Peter and his 
Emissaries—disclaim all subjection to the Laws, Customs, and Au¬ 
thority of the Manor.—The artful and insolent Character of Tom-a- 
Pecket—sets Harry at defiance, acknowledging no authority but that 
of Peter.—At last has his Brains beat out for his contumacy—Harry 
obliged to make great submissions to Peter for this offence -finds it 
expedient to conciliate the Folk on the Manor—hence all contributes 
to the emancipation of John Bull and his Manor, from the usurping 
grasp of the Stewards. 

* ’ 

This Harry, of whose dispute with Peter we are now Thedispute be¬ 
come to speak, being, as we have observed, a high- andLordiS 
spirited determined Fellow, and having pretty well ter * 
conciliated all parties on the Manor, was no longer dis¬ 
posed to any such compromising with Lord Peter, as 
his predecessors had practised, nor to permit any such 
tampering with the Tenants and Holders on the Estate, 
as had been usual on the part of Peter and his Emis¬ 
saries. But this was so far from abating the preten¬ 
sions of such an audacious fellow as Peter had now 
become, that it rather increased his insolence; and he 
pretended to nothing less, than the filling all Schools 
and Chapels with his tools and Instruments—the exclu¬ 
sive privilege of appointing the Inspectors and Visitors 
of all Seminaries of Instruction on the Manor—the 
giving and bestowing all Offices in Madam Bull's 
Housbold—the appointing of all her Servants,—and Enormous Prc- 
the sole disposal of her Jointure and Income in favour p™ l r ,0s oi 

of himself and his Creatures. And these being mostly 

/ - * 

strangers, trained up by himself upon an estate once 
the chief Mansion and principal Possession of Row¬ 
land de Roma, which Peter had somehow got Posses- 


58 




Book 2. ch. 8. sion of; and which lay at a great distance,—they cared 
very little for John Bull, his Mother, his Steward, or 
any Person or thing upon his Estate, beside the imme¬ 
diate profits of it; and were for centering every thing 
in their own Town, where most of them resided, and 
where Peter ruled with absolute sway. And besides 
thus drawing great sums from the Estate, even those 
who lived upon it would pay no regard to the Laws 
and Customs of the Manor, or acknowledge any sub¬ 
jection to the Steward’s Courts; nor would they allow 
that they were answ erable in any respect, not even for 
the greatest crimes they might commit, to any Person, 
or any Power, but that of Peter himself, forsooth : 
though Peter lived, and held his Courts, a thousand 
miles from the Manor of Albion. 

Harry’s spirit was ill adapted to submit to such 
pretensions, though his opposition to them cost him no 
little trouble. It is naturally to be supposed, that those 
Emissaries of Peter’s, as the Fountain and Source of 
all Instruction, should have considerable influence with 
the Folk on the Manor ; and they especially took care to 
impress them with an high opinion of the sanctity and 
importance of their own character, and of the sacred 
and supreme character of Lord Peter. And being 
generally shrewd artful Felhrws, and possessed of more 
Book learning than most of the Bull Family had yet 
attained, they were able to perplex and confound the 
plainest matters. So that Harry, with all his vigour of 
Character, and Authority of Office, found it no easy 
undertaking to check and restrain them. 

But particularly, that Tom Pecket whom w r e have 
mentioned, was a deep, designing, determined knave, 













59 


whom no shame could affront, no. danger frighten from Book 2. ch. s. 
his purpose. 

-fiilens animi atq; in utrumque paratus; 

Seu versare dolus, seu cert* occumbere morti. 

This Fellow, in order to gain credit with the Folk character of 
on the Manor, would set himself up for a Saint; af- Io,n i>cckeu 
fected the greatest severity and self-denial, would lie on 
nothing but the cold ground with a little straw ; and 
sackcloth was not rigid enough, but for severer morti¬ 
fication, he must let it be seen that he wore Haircloth 
under it. Yet, with all this affected show of humility, 
he exhibited the most intolerable pride and insolence 
of Spirit. And though originally but an obscure 
Usher, and Tutor to Harry’s Eldest Son, lie not only af¬ 
fected the utmost contempt for John Bull, his Steward, 
and all the Laws and Customs of the Manor and Fami¬ 
ly; but endeavoured to set all the neighbours and ten¬ 
ants against them, and to hold Lord Peter’s authority 
up as paramount to all other, not only in Madam Bull’s 
Family, in whose service he lived, but over the whole 
Affairs of the Manor. And he obstinately maintained 
that neither he nor any of the Old Lady’s Family were 
subject to the Laws of the Manor, or answerable at the 
Steward’s Courts for any Trespasses, Knaveries, or 
Villanies, that they might commit, however atrocious; 
and that no body but Lord Peter himself had any right 
to call them to account, or to punish them. It will 
easily be believed, that such a fellow, with those who 
were set on by him, and supported all his pretensions, 
must be an intolerable provocation to such a spirit as 
Harry’s. 

i 2 


/ 



60 


Book 2. ch. 8. However, he maintained his own Rights and those 
of the Manor so well, and exerted his authority so vi¬ 
gorously, that Tom was at last glad to quit the Estate. 
He, of course, betook himself to Peter, with whom lie 
was sure, his past conduct, and his designing charac¬ 
ter, would secure him a hearty welcome. Here he was 
caressed witli the greatest partiality, and all his contu¬ 
macy highly approved. And as his cool designing 
character, and firm determined insolence, shewed him 
to be just the man for Peter’s purposes, he was soon 
sent back to the Albion Manor, with the Appointments 
from Peter, of Houshold Steward to John Bull’s Mo¬ 
ther, Parson of the Parish of Catuary, and Super- 
intendant of all the other Parishes in which John Bull’s 
extensive Estates lay : for of all these Appointments, 
Peter claimed the sole and absolute disposal. And 
to all these was added, a Commission from Lord Peter 
to exercise, as his Deputy, all that high and unbounded 
Authority to which Peter himself made pretensions. 
Enormous The arrogance of Pecket now exceeded all bounds, 

fiance da of an d se t all restraint at defiance. It was now no longer 
Pecket. necessary to exhibit Sackcloth and Hair ; these signals 
of humility and mortification were laid aside, and in¬ 
stead of them, was displayed the utmost insolence of 
Pride, Pomp, and Power; he would rippear abroad 
with a Train of more than a thousand Horsemen and 
Footmen attending him, and affected the highest con¬ 
tempt of all Authority. 

Nothing could be more provoking to Harry, him¬ 
self sufficiently high-spirited, than the insolent beha¬ 
viour of this contumacious Parson. And this was the 


61 


more insupportable, that such was the influence and Book 2. ch. 8. 
awe impressed on the minds of the Folk on the Manor i s shockingly 
by the high Pretensions of Peter and his Agents, that 5h?eeo?Ha£ 
no steps, sufficiently vigorous to check or punish them, Ty s servants * 
could publicly be taken without danger. Thus galled, 
and fretting under the pain of so many rankling sores, 

—on receiving the account of some new act of contu¬ 
macy on the part of Pecket, Harry happened to ex¬ 
claim u Will no body rid me of that insolent Parson.** 

Great Men have generally some officious Sycophants 
about them, ready to catch the least intimation of their 
will, and to execute, or even exceed, their worst 
purposes, where they think it will ingratiate them 
with their patrons. Some such happened to be with¬ 
in hearing when Harry uttered the above exclama¬ 
tion ; and three of them, without the least intimation 
of their design, mounted their horses, and set off for 
Cantuary, where they found the Parson in Church— 

Ast ilium- 

Excipit incautum patriasque obstruncat ad aras. 


—set upon him, .and murdered him at the very altar,— 
which was stained with his blood. 

Harry had observed the sudden disappearance of 
his knaves, and hearing they had setoff on Horseback, 
fearing their design, sent immediately after them to 
bring them back ,* but alas l too late,—for he soon 
learned, with horror, that the deed was done, and with 
the above shocking circumstances. 

Though Harry might, no doubt, have been glad which Murder 
to be fairly rid of this insolent Parson, nothing could a ^ost^suc- 
be more detrimental to his affairs than this deed, in the die^to h dl is' 
manner it had been done. And Peter found the means trcss Ilarr y- 



Book 2 . cli. 8. of making if highly conducive to his views of fixing 
his yoke upon Harry, and exercising an uncontrolled 
authority in the whole Affairs of the Manor of Albion. 
The business in itself was bad enough; but Peter took 
care to make it ten times worse, by exclamations on the 
horrors of the deed ; and overlooking entirely the im¬ 
mediate Actors, endeavoured to excite Heaven and 
Earth against Harry. And as Peter’s pretensions ex¬ 
tended not only to this world, but to the next, not only 
to Body and Goods, but to Soul and Spirit, he gave 
Harry, Soul and Body and all, in due form, to the 
Devil; and the Stewardship, and John Bull’s Estate, 
to whoever would take the trouble to take Possession 
of them; and forbade the Tenants, and Holders on the 
Manor, under pain of eternal damnation, to pay their 
Rents, do Homage, or perform any Service at the 
Steward’s Courts. And however insignificant and ri¬ 
diculous such a Giving and such a Forbidding may, at 
this time seem, at that time, they were very serious 
Matters, and not without Effect. For, besides the 
great Authority that Peter at this period had obtained, 
there were not wanting some of John’s neighbours, of 
Lewis Baboon’s Family in particular, who were ready 
to take hold of this pretence to seize upon his Manor. 
And such was the awe of Peter and his Power, and 
such the impression it made upon the simple Tenants, 
that they were not without some dread of his threaten- 

Peter’s dread- ings. Especially, a set of furious Mad Bulls, which 
nil Bulls. j ie uge j sen j an( j j oose U p 01l the Country, where- 

ever his will was disputed, struck every body with ter¬ 
ror. In short, though Harry through his own strength 
of Character, was not awanting to himself, yet such 


4 


/ 


63 

were the clangers that surrounded him, and the diffi- Book 2 . ch. 8. 
cutties in which this affair involved him, that, in order 
to extricate himself, he found it necessary to make some 
very humiliating concessions to Peter. 

Yet the Caitiffs who committed this truly horrible 
deed, were allowed to pass without molestation or pun¬ 
ishment, either from Harry or Peter. Harry could 
not well punish an action that was done with a view 
to his Service. And as to Peter, the committing of a 
murder, was no offence in his sight; and however 
great a favourite the person murdered might be, he 
could never have derived from his life, half the Ser¬ 
vice which he found means to derive from his death. 

However, Harry having submitted so far as to 
procure the recal of these dreadful Bulls with their 
drivers and keepers, became once more Master of him¬ 
self and his own affairs. Not that he himself made 
much account of those Bulls of Peter’s ; nor were they 
really so terrible as their roarings and threatening made 
them appear. But, however, so frightful was their 
Bellowing, and their Drivers told such dreadful stories 
of them, that the poor People and Tenants on the Es¬ 
tate, were horribly afraid of them; and durst not pay 
their Rent, or acknowledge the Steward’s Authority, 
in defiance of Peter’s prohibition enforced by them. * 

Now, though John Bull had, by this time, reco- The above Af- 
vered a pretty firm footing upon his own Estate, and viable fol 
Harry and he had been always on tolerable good terms, Johu Bul1 * 
—yet was not this fracas between Ilarrv and Peter 


* Should any one wish to see a more particular account of these Bulls 
of Peter’s, he may find it in the distinguished Writer above referred to, 
who has written the History of the three Brothers, Peter, Martin, and 
John. 



64 


Book % ch. 8. without some beneficial effect towards the great object 
of John’s recovering the fall possession of his Manor. 
For Peter thus pretending to give all Harry’s neigh¬ 
bours a right to seize on whatever part of the Estate 
they could, and to set the Tenants free from all obliga¬ 
tion to pay their Rent, or to render Suit or Service at 
the Steward’s Courts—Harry found it necessary, by 
indulgence, to secure the good will of the Family, 
and the fidelity and attachment of the Tenants and 
Holders on the Manor.—And John was sensible that 
it was better for him to continue on his present footing, 
where he was in a course of recovering his Rights, 
than to have to do with a new Usurper, under the sanc¬ 
tion of Peter, where he might have the whole to begin 
again.—In short, during this Second Harry’s Steward¬ 
ship, John much increased his importance, and made 
considerable progress in re-possessing himself of his 
Rights, Privileges, and Property. 


v 










Chap. IX. 


Book 2. ch. 9. 


Contexts. —The Stewardship of Dick the Lion-hearted.—This Dick a 
brave, generous Fellow—hence a favourite with the Bull Family— 
engages in one of those mad Expeditions to Sacraterr, where incredi¬ 
ble Stories are told of his Bravery, by which he got the Name of Lion- 
heart.—But Dick did not long survive his return from this Expe¬ 
dition. 

* \ 

This Harry was succeeded by his Son Dick, a brave T ^hip S of W D‘Kk 
generous fellow. And as the Bull Family have always ted ° U ” 
a great partiality for such a Character, his short Stew¬ 
ardship passed without much competition with the 
Family. But as he was fond of sports and amuse¬ 
ment, he was pretty strict in repressing Trespasses on 
these Sporting Grounds before-mentioned. Yet at the 
same time—as a brave man is always a humane man— 
he abolished those cruel and shocking punishments 
which were wont to be inflicted for such Trespasses,—■ 

Castration, putting out of Eyes, cutting off of Hands 
and Feet, and the like—and endeavoured to restrain 
them by punishments more consistent with humanity. 

This Dick being a bold dashing Character, among j 0 j ns in th<* 
other frolics must needs join in one of these mad expe- uonstoSacnl- 
ditions to Sacraterr, and there, many fine Stories are f,^’becomes 
told of his bold and successful achievements, by which f^bravery^ 
he acquired the name of Lion-heart; but with these 
we shall not interfere. Dick was very unfortunate in 
his return from this excursion, for having occasion to 
passthrough the Manor of Squire South, who had some 
old grudge against him, he, like a sneaking, sordid, 
treacherous Rascal, as he was, regardless of Dick’s 
generous character, and the laudable object,—as it was 
then thought,—in which he had been engaged,—had 
him seized by his Servants and kept him a long time 


in confinement, nor let him go till a large sum was paid 
for his liberty : which sum John Bull was generous 
ehough to raise and pay out of his Estate.—In return 
for this piece of treachery, it is said that a brave Bas¬ 
tard Son of Dick’s, chancing in a Party Rencounter to 
meet this-South, took care to single him out, and to 
stick by him, till he brought oft' his Head in his 
Hand. 

We have said that John Bull was generous enough 
to pay a large sum to procure the Liberty of this Stew¬ 
ard ; indeed, the usurpation of the Stewardship had 
now continued so long, that, by custom and habit, it 
had lost much of the odium and detestation with which 
it Avas originally viewed ; and something of generosity 
in the character of the two last Stewards had so far 
conciliated the Family, that some degree of right 
seemed to be recognised in the Possessor.—But Dick’s 
Stewardship w as short, and he was succeeded by Jack, 
a younger brother ; and that in prejudice of Arcthur, 
the Son of another younger Brother, but older than 
J ack. 


Ciiap. X. 


Rook 2. ch. 10. 


Contents. —The Stewardship of Jack,sirnaraed the Landless.—This Jack 
of a rash, turbulent, and ungovernable Character—seizes the Steward¬ 
ship in prejudice of his Nephew, whom he procures to be murdered. 
—A confederacy against him on the Manor—in his utmost distress, 
Peter, who had hitherto urged on the confederacy—now proposes, 
upon condition, that Jack will consign the Manor and Stewardship 
to him, and hold them as his Vassal, to dissolve the confederacy, and 
extricate him from his trouble—these conditions actually accom¬ 
plished on both sides.—This Confederacy not dissolved without im¬ 
portant concessions in favour of the Family—particularly on this oc¬ 
casion was obtained that celebrated Great Roll, which stands to 
this day the Chief Foundation of Albion Liberty and Privileges,— 
of which, in the next Chapter. 


At tlie period of which we are writing, the course of stewardship of 
Succession was not so regularly fixed as it is at present; Landless. 10 
and the flaw in Jack’s Title might easily have been 
overlooked, had he not himself been of a most rash, 
turbulent, ungoverned, and ungovernable disposition. 


In consequence of this character, he was constantly in¬ 
volving himself, the Family, and all who lived on the 
Manor, in broils, mischief, and misery. Add to this, 
that he was suspected of having procured the Death 
of his Nephew, Arcthur, who died in prison ; where, 
from jealousy, his Uncle had kept him confined. Ex¬ 
cited by these causes, and innumerable insults and 
provocations with regard to themselves, John Bull, 
with the principal Holders of the Manor, and even the 
Clerks and Attendants in his own Ollice, entered into 
a confederacy against this Jack. And the eldest Sou 
of Lewis Baboon having at this time also made a for¬ 
cible entry on the Manor of Albion, they were even 
ready to join him, and to transfer the Stewardship to 
his Family. Thus Jack found himscll involved in the 
utmost perplexity, danger, and distress. 


Jack of a most 
un tractable 
disposition— 
Hence a ge¬ 
neral Confe¬ 
deracy of 
the Manor 
against him* 


K 2 


68 


\ 


Book 2. ch. 10 . Of all these circumstances, Peter, who never omit¬ 
ted an opportunity to fish in troubled waters, was fully 
informed, and took care to turn them to advantage. 
For being at this period in the very height of bis Power 
and Presumption, and pretending to dispose of Estates, 
and Manors, and whole Countries, at his pleasure, he 
ln is h persuadcd^ 00 ^ *hi s occasion, of Jack’s distress, and danger of 

the C wh!5e losi,1 S both Manor and Stewardship, to persuade him 

Stewardship, fa consign both over to him; and promised that he 

Manor, and n r 

Family,over would restore them back to him again, and that he 

toPct^i’ and " 

to hold them should hold them under him as his Vassal or Feuda- 

as his Vas- , . . . ... T 

sal. tory; in winch case, neither young Eewis nor any one 

else would dare to intermeddle with him. And this 
villainous proposal Jack actually agreed to; and in 
due form surrendered to Peter, by Livery and Seizin, 
the full possession of John Bull and Family, the Ma¬ 
nor, Stewardship, and every thing connected with, or 
belonging to either.—And the same day received them 
back again to hold them of Pfcter as his Liegeman and 
Vassal. 

Upon this, Peter, who had hitherto excited and 
encouraged every opposition to Jack, and supported 
young Lewis in all his attempts, sends him an order in¬ 
stantly to desist and forego all his pretensions, claims, 
and acquisitions whatsoever upon the Manor of Albion. 
—Which Lewis positively refused to do. 

But that part of John Bull’s Family and those 
leading men on the Manor, who, from indignation and 
resentment of the Steward’s conduct, had joined Lewis, 
soon found out, that though he was willing to make use 
of them for his present purpose, yet he held them in 
no better estimation than Knaves and Traitors; and 


i 







when he had served his purpose by them, meant to re- Book 2. ch. 10 . 
ward them as such. Of this, they being fully fore¬ 
warned, abandoned his interest. And in consequence 
of this, and the strenuous interference of Peter, who 
now holding Jack as his Vassal, and Albion as his Pos¬ 
session, undertook to protect them, Lewis found him¬ 
self obliged to yield, and demit what he had seized of 
the Manor of Albion. 

But though those Malecontents of John Bull’s 
Family, thus instantly abandoned the interest of Lewis, 
their accommodation with John was a matter of more portant'and 
serious deliberation; and the event attended with most 
important and permanent consequences ; which operate ces > Y h,ch °* 
even to this day. This event may, indeed, be reck- this day. 
oned the first valid and authenticated Recovery by 
John Bull of his general Rights, and the Possession of 
his Estates, since their seizure by Guillam Norworld. 

This Transaction therefore deserves our particular 
notice. 





70 


Book 2. ch. 11. 


Chap. XI. 


Contents.— The Great Roll or Title Deed of John Bull’s Manor, with 
the Steps that led to the obtaining of it. 


In relating these important Transactions we shall briefly 
state,— 

The Great Roll First,—What were the peculiar Immunities, R ights, 

john tT Bull’s and Privileges of the Bull Family, and what the legiii- 
Manor. ma ( e Functions and Duties of the Steward’s Office, 
and extent of his Authority, before the Norworld 
Usurpation. 

Secondly,—What were the Principal Oppressions, 
Violations, and Encroachments, made upon these 
Rights and Privileges by the Norworld Usurpation, 
and continued by the succeeding Stewards.—And 

Thirdly,—What were the Rights, Privileges, and 
Securities, regained and confirmed by the transactions 
in hand, and secured by this great Charter or Title 
Deed.—From all which its importance will appear the 
more clear and conspicuous. 

First, then,—With respect to the Immunities, 
Rights, and Privileges of the Bull Family—and the 
legitimate Functions and Duties of the Stewards Office, 
and the Extent of his Authority, before the Norworld 
Usurpation.—We have already observed—that the 
Bull Family lived upon their own Estate, a brave, free, 
independent set of men; acknowledging no superior 
but of their own setting up, no Authority but of their 
own conceding, and still at their own control. 

It is true to the Head Steward of the Manor of 
Albion, the great Patrimony of the Family, they al¬ 
lowed a very extensive Authority : but this Steward 


71 


was originally one of the Family, and was raisedtoBook2.ch.lt 
the office by the general consent. But as the great im¬ 
portance and extensive Influence of this Office excited 
such emulation and competition as often embroiled the 
whole Family in quarrels, it was wisely determined, as 
the lesser evil, to make the Office hereditary in one 
branch of the Family ; but still subject to a Family 
control, as many subsequent events fully prove. But 
all other Offices and Functionaries on the Manor, con¬ 
tinued still in the immediate appointment of the Family 
or Folk themselves ; in whose behalf they existed, 
and among whom they were to be exercised. For in¬ 
stance,— 

John Bull’s Estates being exceeding extensive, 
and the Great Manor consisting of many lesser Divi¬ 
sions, called Shares or Shires,—a Senior, or Elderman, 
to hold the chief Authority in each of these Divisions 
or Shares, was chosen by the Folk residing in such 
Share—Besides the Courts Lect and Courts Baron of 
the Great Manor, held by the Steward or his Officers, 
there were also in each Share or Division inferior 
Courts held by the Elderman, or Chief Magistrate of 
the Division, for the ready settling of all differences, 
disputes, or trespasses among the Tenants and Resi- 
denters on the Estate. And in every such Court the 
Judges and Magistrates were chosen and appointed by 
the Neighbours and Tenants of the Division ; as was 
also one Presiding Officer for the Execution of all 
Sentences and Decisions in those Courts, called the 
Share-Reeve,—i. e. the Greeve or Bailiff of the Share, 
or Shire.—Besides these, a number of respectable Per¬ 
sons, in every neighbourhood were appointed to hear 


72 


Book 2. ch. 11. and decide the daily complaints, quarrels, and difFcr- 
Originaiiy alienees among the neighbours, and to preserve Peace 
Jies nC on n Thfe and Good Order in their several Districts. And all 

bion° chosen ^ ese were chosen by those among whom their influ- 

r» y the Folk ence an{ j Authority lay, and to whom their characters 
on the Man- J J 1 

or. were best known. And even if the Family were en¬ 

gaged in any Public Quarrel or Lawsuit abroad, with 
the neighbouring Lords of Manors, the Attornies, So¬ 
licitors and Principal Lawyers were appointed by the 
Family and chief Holders on the Manor. In short, 
every Functionary, from the Head Steward to the Bai¬ 
liff on the Farm, were chosen by the general consent of 


TheGreatRoll 


those in whose behalf they were to exercise their seve¬ 
ral Functions. 

Thus, by the original Custom of the Manor of 
Albion, no Right is acknowledged in any Man to exer¬ 
cise, or to appoint others to exercise, any Power, Su¬ 
periority, or Authority over the Tenants, Holders, or 
Inhabitants, but what is conceded by themselves, and 
exercised by those to whom they have conceded it. 

Among the most universally beneficent of the Pri¬ 
vileges and Franchises mentioned above, were, per¬ 
haps, those Subdivision or Home-Courts, as we may 
call them, for the immediate and expeditious decision 
of all suits, and differences among the Inhabitants of 
the Manor. Which, at little or no expence, were of 
more advantage to the Peace and Good Order of the 
Manor than all the Courts now held in the Steward’s 

i / %» • * 

Name, by a Train of subservient tools and quibbling 
Casuists appointed by him ; who, at an enormous ex¬ 
pence, even under sanction of Law, pervert Right, 
betray the Liberty, and devour the Substance of the 












Ball Family. Where a Matter, of a few Pounds value, 
shall, after a tedious Process, of many years, be deter¬ 
mined at the expence of more hundreds of pounds, than, 
the single pounds the original suit was commenced for.* 
And a man shall be amerced of half his Substance, and 
confined for years to a jail, for having only spoken a 
word, or written a Sentence obnoxious to the Steward or 
his rascally Scriveners. This is surely a most gross and 
shameful abuse of J ustice and Right, as well as of Reason 
and Common Sense. Yet, from the hands into which 
these matters have now got, the evil seems incurable. 
The Stewards having assumed to themselves the ap¬ 
pointment to all these Departments; and having con¬ 
verted the Dispensation of simple Justice and Natural 
Right into Artificial Law and Fictitious Invention, 
by mere chicanery and subtle casuistry they have 
made it the most gainful and thriving Trade carried on 
in the Manor; so that the matter seems now to be past 
all remedy. 

The Right of every one living on the Manor to be 
convicted, or acquitted, of every Accusation by the 
Decision of twelve respectable persons, his equals and 
neighbours, who are acquainted with his Life and Cha¬ 
racter, we have formerly mentioned. The Right of 
every Free Man to a vote in the appointment of Mrs. 
Bull’s Houshoid Office, a matter, considering their 
Trust, of the very utmost importance, we shall have 
occasion further to mention, when we come to describe 


* Six persons prosecuted in the Kirk-Court of the Manor for Kirk- 
fees, Fourpence each, in the whole, Two Shillings, were brought in, for 
expences on both sides, £ L 2$ 3. 12s. 6d. 

An aged widow for 2s. 8d. Kirk-fecs, was, by Prosecution in the 
Kirk-courts, cast for j£ 1UQ. and six months’ imprisonment. 


Book 



74 




Book 2. ch. li.the Constitution and Functions of that Office. Let us 
now pass to the next point proposed,—which was— 
Secondly,—To state what were the Principal Op- 

Tiie principal p rC ssions, Violations, and Encroachments, made upon 
Oppressions, 5 7 7 1 

Violations, those Rights and Privileges by the Norworld Usurpa- 
& Encroach- s J 

ments intro-tion, and continued by the succeeding Stewards.—The 

duced by the 7 * 7 ° , 

Norworld U- first of these we shall mention, was, the seizure of all 
&u pation. Lands of the Manor into their own hands by Guil- 

lam Norworld, and his Successors, and reducing John # 
Bull’s Family and all the Folk on the Manor to mere 
Vassals or Predial Slaves ; which was, indeed, not so 
properly a violation of any Privilege or Right, as the 
extinction of all Privilege, Possession, or Right. And 
while this Usurpation continued in full force, there was 
properly, no Rights or Privileges to violate. But 
though this state of things did not last long in its full 
extent, yet its effects do not cease to operate even at 
this day ; for out of it arose the absurd notion, that 
all the Lands of the Manor primarily belong to the 
Steward. A notion, however preposterous, scarcely 
yet abandoned. 

The presen f But with respect to the present Race of Stewards 
ards° f raMe«i on Bull’s Manor, such a notion is peculiarly ab-* 

Bui^FamUy surt ^ and ridiculous; as they were strangers, holding 
erc?i y tiK* of- n °t a f () °* °* J^and on the Manor; but called in by the 
ficeof Stew- Family merely to exercise the Office of Steward. As 

ard. ^ 

it those who voluntarily conferred the Stewardship 
upon them, could be supposed to send to Terra firm for 
a stranger, to bestow upon him the supreme Property 
in all their Lands, and constitute themselves and their 
Posterity, his Vassals for ever. 

From this Usurpation of Cuitlam Norworld, and 
this Notion ingrafted upon it, arose all the Encroach- 







menls on private and individual Right, since assumed Book 2.ch. 11. 
by the Stewards through the whole of John Bull’s Es- 

4 , . # The pernicious 

tatcs. And innumerable are the Claims and Preten- effect* of the 

• ,, , , 1 . ~ , , . , . . Maxim—that 

sions that have been setup as founded m this Maxim, all the Lands 
Such as—Whenever the Steward had any weighty or steward. 11 * 
expensive business on his hand, he claimed the Right 
of demanding arbitrary Aids and assistance of every 
man who held Land on the Manor.*—if any Possessor 
of Land died, the Steward immediately Seized upon it,+ 
and claimed the Right to hold it a Year and a Day, to 
cut and sell the Timber, and to make Waste upon it J 
at his Pleasure. After which, the real heir was obli¬ 
ged to Relieve it by a Fine ,|| before he could obtain 
the Possession of it.—The Steward also claimed the 
Guardianshipf of all Heirs under Age. And it was his 
custom to consign such Wards and the use of their Es¬ 
tates, during their Minority, to some favourite Clerk, 

Scrivener, or Dependant in his Office, to be used at 
their Will for their own advantage. He also claimed 
the Right of disposing of such Wards in Marriage to 
whom he pleased, especially Females who were Heir¬ 
esses ;§ thereby again gratifying and enriching his Fa¬ 
vourites.—The Steward also claimed the sole Possession 
of all Estates and Property, of which the Owners died 
without their Heirs being known; and likewise of all 
Property forfeited by the Crime or Trespass of the 
Owner. And if any man purchased Lands of another 
he must, besides, purchase the Steward’s Permission to 
take Possession of them. 


* Aids, f Premier Seizin. J Waste. 1| Reliefs. Fine. 5 W ard 
ships. § Marriage.—Pret. Com. 



Kook 2. ch. 11. 



The seizing upon and desolating whole tracts ot 
the Manor, and converting them into Sporting Grounds 
for the Steward’s Amusement, has been already men¬ 
tioned. Besides which, he also claimed the sole Pro¬ 


perly of all the Wild Beasts of the Field, Fowls of the 
Air, and Fishes of the Sea, at least of the Rivers. And 


no man, under the Penalty of Castration, putting out 
his Eyes, or lopping off his Hands or Feet, might kill 
any Wild Beast, or Fowl of the Air, even on his own 
Lands ; or catch the Fish in the stream flowing through 


The enormous 
Injustice of 
the Sporting 
Laws. 


of them. But what is most extraordinary on this subject, 

ns 

& —the same Laws arc still in force upon the Manor unto 


this day, and executed with more rigour than ever ; 
only the punishment is changed from a personal to a 
pecuniary penalty. And now, besides the Head Stew ¬ 
ard of the Great Manor, the Lord of every little Park 
or Paddock, every one possessed of a certain quantity 
of Land, assumes the same Right; while he who has 
less than the prescribed quantity, or lie who immediately 
occupies the land, and at w hose cost the Wild Crea¬ 
tures upon it live, dare not kill a Hare or Partridge, 
however much damage they may do him even in his 
Garden. And one who has killed a man lias a much 
better chance to escape with impunity, than one who 
has clandestinely killed a Pheasant or Shot a Hare; 
one w ho has broke into his neighbour’s House and rob¬ 
bed him, is prosecuted with much less zeal and rigour, 
than one who lias trespassed upon any of those tabood 
precincts, or violated any of those sporting Laws. 

We have already noticed the advantage of Courts 
and Arbiters, or Judges of Differences among Neigh¬ 
bours, in every district of John Bull’s Estate. And 


77 


the intolerable Nuisance of the present expensive and Book2.ch.n. 
artificial mode of Decision considered, this was, per¬ 
haps, one of the most valuable Customs of the Manor. 

But the advantage of .this, since the Norworld Intru¬ 
sion has been almost entirely done away by the En¬ 
croachments of the Steward’s Courts. Which now 
engross the Decision of all Disputes and Differences, 
by the subtile Chicanery of unprincipled Clerks and 
Scriveners, quirking and quibbling upon Artificial 
Laws; instead of the unsophisticated Decision of 
Justice by Right Reason and Plain Common Sense, 
according to the simple practice of the Bull Family in 
those ready District-Courts. 

The Perversion of the Right of Toting in the Ap¬ 
pointment of Mrs. Bull’s Office, the source of almost 
every other Perversion, we shall have abundant occa¬ 
sion to discuss after we have described the Constitution 
of that Houshold Office. 

A noiher source of the great perversion of Justice and The s ^ araP f u i 
Right, introduced at the time we are speaking of, and ^iXcourt^ 
in some degree continued unto this day, was the estab¬ 
lishment of Kirk-courts, or, as they are sometimes very 
improperly, not to say impiously, called Christian- 
courts, claiming a separate and independent Jurisdic- 
tion, in the Name, and under the Authority of Lord 
Peter. In former times, when John Bull held the full 
Possession and Power of his own Manor, many of Pe¬ 
ter’s People, as belonging to Madam Bull’s Houshold, 
and possessing Properly in the Manor, sat in the dif¬ 
ferent Courts with the Steward’s Officers, Seniors, or 
Eldermen. But now Peter’s presumption had arrived 
at such a height that he claimed the right of holding 


Book 2. ch.ll 


The ridiculous 
Quackeries 
of Peter and 
his Emissa¬ 
ries. 


Courts in his own Name, and by his own Authority, 
and of judging and deciding exclusively concerning 
all Persons and Things that had any connection with 
Madam Bull’s Family or Affairs. And Guillam Nor- 
world, in order to conciliate Peter to his Usurpation, 
was glad to concede most of his demands. From this 

source arose those Kirk-courts, which, though their 

* 

authority is now greatly abridged, are even at this day 
a shameful Nuisance through the whole of John Bull’s 
Estates. And while they profess to act only —pro sa - 
lute animxE—for the Salvation of the Soul — barter 
body and soul, their own and those of all that come 
before them, for gain. With them, all sorts of Causes 
that come under their Jurisdiction, every Sacrilege 
and Crime, may be compounded for at a Price; and 
such Courts exist for no other Object or End, but that 
of drawing Money by all possible pretences to them¬ 
selves, and sometimes with the most enormous injus¬ 
tice and oppression.*—And such is the collusion be¬ 
tween them and the Steward’s Office and Courts, that 
they are always ready to support one another’s Claims 
and Pretensions. 

But besides all this, Peter and his Emissaries had 
now imposed upon the whole of the Bull Family, as 
part of their Education, the Sacredness and Import¬ 
ance of such a Farrago of Nostrums of his own inven¬ 
tion as would be truly ludicrous to mention. They 
would collect dead men’s Sculls and old rotten bones 
from the Sexton, or pick up Sheep’s shanks from the 
Dunghill, and sell them to the people as bones of Saints 


* See .Note at the bottom of a preceding page. 



/ 



79 

for great sums of money, as a security against all dls- Book 2. ch. 11 . 
asters. They enjoined them to pay special Devotion, 
and pray fervently, to an Old Woman, who, after being 
twice married, and the Mother of many Children, died 
a Virgin a thousand years ago. And they assured 
them that though any one were already in Hell, c fast 
shut up in fires,’ they, upon being well paid for it, 
could immediately set them free, by only pronouncing 
a few words—would suddenly start—listen—and de¬ 
clare the thing was done—they heard the infernal 
Gates opening to let them out. But above all things 
•—it was enjoined them to believe that whatever Peter 
said was infallibly true, and whatever lie ordered indis¬ 
putably binding ; that his Word was alone sufficient 
to make Wrong Right, and Right Wrong; and that 
all the Kings of the Earth were at his control, and all 
the Kingdoms of it at his disposal. 

Upon the whole, then, it will appear that between 
the Usurpation of Norworld, and the impudent Pre¬ 
tensions of Peter, John Bull and his Family had been 
reduced to the most abject and servile condition. And 
though, from the Stewardship of the First Harry, John 
had been making some progress towards the bettering 

of his condition, and the recovery of his Rights and T |\7 e charficu/r 
Estate; yet such was the propensity of the Stewards, of Steward*, 
and such is the propensity of that sort of men to this 
day, to encroach and assume,—that whenever they 
found themselves tolerably secure, they made little or 
no account of the concessions they had granted, or 
any Engagements they had brought themselves under 

The double usurper, Steen, paid no regard even 
to his own Engagements ; and by the time of the Se- 


80 


Book 2 . cii. li, cond Harry the concessions and securities obtained 
from his Grand Father, the First Harry, seem to have 
been entirely forgotten; and we find most of those ex¬ 
orbitant claims of Vassalage above mentioned, again 
in full force, though they had been expressly aban¬ 
doned. Just as,—at the British Bar, we still find the 
Judge from the Bench prescribing to the Jury respect¬ 
ing the Fact in cases of Libel, and the Law of Libel 
more perverted, and more tyrannically exercised, than 
ever it had been, notwithstanding a late Act of flic Le¬ 
gislature transferring that Point expressly to the Deci¬ 
sion of the Jury. Or just as—notwithstanding other 
Acts of tlie same Legislature for restraining the Influ¬ 
ence of the Crown, and prohibiting the adding of New 
Places and Appointments at its disposal, such Places 
and Appointments are daily invented, and filled up 
for the express purpose of extending Corruption, 
and increasing the Influence, of the Crown: and will 
probably continue so to be,, till the people, exhausted, 
provoked, and insulted beyond patience, have recourse 
to the same remedy that we shall presently find John 
Bull so effectually applying to his case. 

But to resume our subject.—The Second Harry, as 
above observed, in consequence of Pecket’s Affair soon 
found himself in a situation that made him Had to rc- 
new the Concessions of his Grand Father, with some 
additional Privileges and Indulgences. As to Dick, 
he was a brave Fellow of careless nonchalance, a char¬ 
acter somewhat congenial to John Bull himself, and no 
very Serious Difference, or Important Accommodation, 
took place during his Stewardship. With Jack, his 
Successor, the case was very different. And as it was 


81 


under his Stewardship that the most Important and Book 2. eh. 11. 

Valid Privileges and Immunities were recovered, and 

the Right to them acknowledged and confirmed, we 

shall here give a somewhat more particular account of 

them : especially as those concessions are even at this 

day the Foundation of the most Valuable Rights of the 

Bull Family, and of the most firm and unalterable 

Customs of the Manors of Great Albion. And this 

will bring us to the Third Point we proposed to state— 

which was, 

Thirdly,—What were the Rights, Privileges, and 
Securities, regained, and confirmed to John Bull by the 
Transactions in hand. 

This Jack being a person of strong passions, but of TheGreatRoll> 
a weak mind and an intemperate character, acted with 
all the insolence and arbitrary Spirit of the original 
Norworld Family, and supported by Peter, attempted 
to resume at once all that John Bull and his Family, 
after so many Struggles, had recovered from his Prede¬ 
cessors. But John had by this time too far resumed 
both his native Spirit, and the Possession of his Estate, 
tamely to submit to such pretensions. He especially 
Spurned at the Position of the Steward being Lord of 
all the Lands of the Manor. And the principal Land¬ 
holders being demanded to shew by what Claim or 
Instrument they held their Land. One of them, a 
genuine Son of John Bull, drawing his weapon, and 
brandishing it before the Tyrant, said—There is the 
Instrument by which my Ancestors acquired their 
Lands; and by the same, G-d willing, 1 will maintain 
them. So bold an answer silenced the Usurper. The 
Squire also execrated the rigorous Claims of the Sport- 

31 


t » 


82 


Cook 2. ch. li. ing Grounds, and the Shocking Punishments inflicted 
on the violation of them; so contrary to the humanity 
of his own Character. 

These, with innumerable other Assumptions and 
Claims were constantly set up and renewed by the 
Stewards; such as picking and choosing at their own 
price whatever they wanted, and to whomsoever it be¬ 
longed,* wherever the Steward’s Houshold came—that 
no one should dare to purchase any thing in the Mar¬ 
ket, however great the necessity, till the Steward’s peo¬ 
ple had chosen and purchased whatever they had a 
mind to,f &c. &c. 

All this so provoked John Bull, now conscious 
both of his Right and Strength, that he determined no 
longer to submit to it; and plainly, and firmly, as- 
John Bull de-serted and demanded his Rights, and insisted oil the 
obtains, the Steward’s expressly resigning all those enormous Pre- 
of his Free- tensions. And stood to this point with such cool and 
byThe Great steady firmness, that the Steward found himself obliged 
S^Spordn**° com Pty 5 ar, d expressly and formally by Deed un- 
Grounds. der his hand to renounce all such Claims and Demands 
for the future, as the mere Usurpations of unjust Ty¬ 
ranny and Arbitrary Power. 

And this Deed of Renunciation and Restitution 
was solemnly executed, engrossed, and recorded in the 
Courts of the Manor, where it may be seen unto this 
day, m two Celebrated Writings, called the Great 
Roll, and the Roll of Sporting Grounds. By 
the last of these the Steward renounces the exorbitant 
Privileges and Pretended Rights of his Sporting 


* Purveyance. + Primer Erapton.—Pret. Cora. 













83 


Grounds ; and all those rigorous and shocking and Book 0 ch n 
Punishments, mentioned above, for trespasses upon 
them, are expressly annulled. But this, as of inferior 
importance, we shall pass over at present. 

The first, The Great Roll, is even at this time 
held as the Principal Foundation of the whole Struc¬ 
ture of Rights, Privileges, and Immunites, enjoyed by 
every Individual of the Bull Family, and every Inha¬ 
bitant of the Manor, from the Head Steward to the 
lowest Cottager. It is also the Ground Work of the 
most valuable and unalterable Customs of the Manor : 
of which we shall mention a few. 

It has already been premised—that the Manor of 
Albion is a kind of Palatinate, or Regality, having so¬ 
vereign jurisdiction within itself; which sovereignty is 
essentially in the Proprietor, but was formerly exer¬ 
cised by the Steward under his control. But when the 
Norworld Race usurped the Stewardship and seized the 
Manor, they also assumed the Jurisdiction and Regali¬ 
ty* as of their own right, and exercised it in its ut¬ 
most rigour, and beyond what it had ever before been 
stretched to. Hence arose all those exorbitant Claims 
and Pretensions we have above mentioned. But this 
Jack, the present Steward, was now compelled to re¬ 
sign all such Pretensions. Particularly all Arbitrary 
Fines and Distresses for Debts pretended to be due to 
the Steward—the Claim of Picking and Choosing at 
his own Price whatever and wherever he pleased—the 
Right of Buying exclusively before all others in the 
Market, and all such encroachments on Common Right, 
were abolished. The Pretence to be Guardian to all 
Orphans—to occupy their Estates during non-age, and 

m 2 


84 





Book 2. ch. 11 . to make them purchase their Restoration by an arbi¬ 
trary Fine, with the Right of disposing of the Heirs in 
Marriage, were regulated and reduced to the Custom 
of the Manor and the Laws of the Land. In short, the 
whole Train of absurd Oppressive Pretensions stated 
above ; all which, however solemnly renounced by his 
Predecessors, this Jack had resumed, as though they 
had been his native and legitimate Rights,—were again 
restrained, or renounced for ever. 

TheGreatRoii. By this Great Roll also, the speedy Decision 
of all Suits, and Execution of all Sentences, in the 
Courts of the Manor, were secured. And petty prag¬ 
matical Clerks in the Steward’s Office, who had been 
accustomed to take upon them to Hear and Decide 
Suits and Causes, and hence to draw large Sums, as 
fines for imaginary Trespasses, into the Steward’s Of¬ 
fice and their own pockets,—were absolutely forbidden 
to bring before themselves, or at all to meddle in, any 
Suit, Cause, or Dispute among the Folk on the Manor. 
—All such were to be left to the Decision of Twelve 
Lieges of the Manor, or good and lawful Men of the 
neighbourhood where the Parties lived, and before 
Judges properly authorised for the purpose. 

But the most valuable of all the advantages ob- 
tained by this important Deed, and its Solemn Sanc¬ 
tions, was,—that it secured to every individual of lhe 
Bull Family, and all Dwellers on the Manor, the un¬ 
disturbed Possession, and free Enjoyment of his Life, 
his Liberty, and his property, except they were duly 
Forfeited by the Law of the Land, and the known Cus¬ 
tom of the Manor, before such Judges, and Lieges of 
the Manor, as are mentioned above. Before this time, 


85 


it had been customary with the Steward, if any man Book 2-ch.li. 
displeased him, or refused to submit to his arbitrary 
Will in any case, to seize their persons, clap them up 
into some of his Castles, and keep them confined for 
years, or perhaps for Life, without any remedy or re¬ 
dress. But by this Important Instrument both the 
Right, and the Means, were secured for every man 
charged with Offence to compel his being brought 
without delay, before a lawful Court or Magistrate; 
and either immediately discharged, or lawfully con¬ 
victed. And to crown all, the Right of John Bull in 
iiis Own Manor, and that of every Individual of his 
Family, and every Dweller on the Estate, to his Lands, 

Possessions, and Property of every kind, according to 
their Tenure, was expressly acknowledged, and firmly 
secured, by this Great Roll. 

John Bull having thus far vindicated his Ancient 
Rights, was once more himself again, and assumed the 
Port and Character of a Gentleman, Liberi Homimsy 
which no man better became, or more truly deserved. 

But it must be confessed, that during these con¬ 
tests between John and his Steward, the Knave Peter, 
ever on the watch for advantages, gained a still firmer 
footing on the Manor; and especially, by the pretended 
Surrender mentioned above, laid claim to the sole re¬ 
gulating of the Stewardship, and all the Rights and 
Power exercised by the Stewards upon the Estate.— 

And all these pretensions he kept up during the Stew¬ 
ardship of this Jack, and that of Harry his Son and 
Successor. 



86 


Book 2. cb. 12. 


Chap. XII. 


Contents. —The Stewardship of the Third Harry; whom w r e shall call 
Harry the Perfidious.—This Stewardship consists of little besides a 
Series of renewed Engagements between John Bull and the Steward, 
and repeated violations of them on the part of the latter, encouraged 
by the notorious Peter, pretending to a power to absolve from all 
Engagements — the great patience and moderation of John Bull 
under sucli provocation. 


The steward- This Harrjr, though but a weak man, and a worse 
TMrdHarry*. Steward, was yet continually attempting to violate and 
set aside all that had been obtained from his Father and 
Predecessors, and secured by the solemn sanctions and 
binding obligations of the Great Roll mentioned above. 
—-And though constantly frustrated by the Spirit and 
This Harry a Prudence of the Bull Family; and sometimes even sub- 
praved and'j ec t e( l to durance for his perfidy, he could never be 
Steward 18 k r0ll ght to betray the least spark of honour or honesty; 

or to pay the least regard even to his own most solemn 
Engagements, one moment longer than till he had it in 
his power to break through them. And in all this he 
was especially encouraged and supported by the auda¬ 
cious Impostor Peter, who pretends that his power not 
only extends to the disposal of every thing in this 
world, but also in the next; and was ready to give a 
Dispensation from all the most solemn Sanctions of 
Oaths or Religion, to any one who would pay him well 
for it. But though, trusting to these, Harry could sa¬ 
tisfy himself, he could not so satisfy John Bull ; who, 
provoked by his constant perfidy, would certainly have 
°wfthfromthe turned him out of the Stewardship, had it not been for 


tained of^is the hopes entertained of his Son Ned, a precocious pro¬ 
mising Lad. Who even while a Boy shewed, if not 


Son Ned. 











87 


more honour and honesty, at least more prudence and Book 2 . ch.12. 
capacity, than his father after fifty years possession of 
the Stewardship. However, through the whole period 
of his long Stewardship, Harry persisted in a constant 
train of renewed engagements, and repeated Violations 
of them, and perfidious attempts to set himself above 
his Master and Employer. But John Bull had by 
this time too far recovered his native Spirit and Cha¬ 
racter, and was too firmly fixed in his seat to be dis¬ 
mounted by such a hand as Harry’s. And after all his Tim the^ long- 
fruitless Struggles, he was finally compelled, expressly disgraceful 
and formally to renew and confirm all that his father on the Re- 
had granted. This stewardship was one of the longest, Maior? f the 
as well as one of the most disgraceful, on the records of 
the Manor. In the first respect, the present is likely to 
come the nearest to it; but in the second, to be sure, 
nothing can be so directly the reverse. It has, indeed, 
already been celebrated by two successive Jubulies, on its similarity 
account of its duration, its great prosperity, and the 
perfect peace, contentment, and happiness of all the 
Inhabitants of the Manor under it. And so far is 
the Steward from meeting with any of these rude 
encounters, and stubborn resistances to his will, which 
distinguished Harry’s Stewardship; that every sup¬ 
posed wish is eagerly anticipated, even the least inti¬ 
mation of his will is emulously complied with, the mo¬ 
ment it is known. And so far is he from having occa¬ 
sion for the grasping rapacity of Harry and his Agents ; 
so flourishing and superabundant, beyond all necessary 
uses, is the revenue and income of the Manor; that 
besides every useful Office being profusely paid, and 
numberless useless ones invented ; there are Persons 
who never did a Service to the Family, or a good Of- 


ana dissimi¬ 
larity to the 
presentStew- 
ardship. 


88 


Book 2. ch. 12 . fice on the Manor, who have their thousands, their ten 
thousands, their twenty thousands and their thirty 
thousands a year paid to them, for no other purpose 
but that of disencumbering the Steward’s coffers, and 
unburdening John Bull of his superfluous wealth. 
Some, indeed, say, that these sums are thus profusely 
lavished for the mere purpose of bribing those who re¬ 
ceive them, to stand by the Steward in his Abuses, and 
take his part on every occasion, right or wrong, against 
John Bull and his Family. But this, no doubt, is 
mere slander and detraction,—“ ForC —m—n is an 
Honourable man, and so are they all Honourable 
men.” 

But the most observable feature of this Harry’s 

The patience ~ 

ot John Bull Stewardship, is the patience and moderation with which 

under all the . . - 

provoking John Bull bore the extortion, the ruinous tollies, the 
liarryCstew-frauds, and the constantly repeated Perfidies of this 
aidbinp. drivelling Stewardship. This may, perhaps, be chiefly 
ascribed to two causes, the habit of forbearance to¬ 
wards the malversations of the Stewards,—and the 
hopes conceived of young Ned : who in effect, for 
Capacity and Prudence, fully answered the highest 
expectations that had been formed of him. Had it 
turned out otherwise, and a foolish and profligate Son 
had succeeded to a weak and obstinate Father, it would 
probably have proved the extinction of that Race of 
Stewards. 

As it seems to be under this Stewardship that the 
Palaverium, or Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office received 
nearly its present form, and became a regular Estab¬ 
lishment, it may not be improper here to give some 
account of that important branch of the Economy of 
the Albion Manor. 


V 


8.9 


Chap. XIII. 


Book 2. eh. 13. 


Context?.—O f John Ball’s Wife, and the Constitution and Character of 
her Household Office, alias the Palaverium—with some Account of 
the Notorious Commerce of Prostitution carried on between Mrs. 
Bull’s Domestics and the Clerks and Scriveners in the Steward’s 
Office. 


As everybody has read Sir Humphry Polesworth’s His¬ 
tory of John Bull’s Lawsuit, every body knows some¬ 
thing of the Person and Character of John Bull’s Wife. 

We have also already had frequent occasion to 
mention Mrs. Bull; but as she is a person of great im¬ 
portance in the Family, and one who makes a con¬ 
siderable figure in these Memoirs, it may not be amiss 
here to introduce her to the reader’s more particular 
acquaintance. 

John Bull’s Wife is a Lady of the highest re¬ 
spectability, and most highly respected in the Family ; The R Pspf >cta- 
and has indeed always been considered as the Chief J*}® n ^Jj a p‘y* 
Supporter of John’s House and Fortunes. John him- Jf” t 0 f ,r john 
self, as we have already hinted, was, especially in his Bull’s wife * 
youthful days, a gay, dashing, heedless Fellow, and 
his Stewards were often designing, selfish, unprincipled 
Knaves; who rather considered the Family as their 
Property, and all that pertained to the Manor as a 
Provision for them ; than that they were obliged to 
make any Provision for the support and maintenance 
of the Family. And had it not been for the prudence, 
discretion, and good economy of Mrs. Bull, the Fa¬ 
mily must, on many occasions, have been starved, or 
turned out of doors. And, in all probability, John 
Bull would not, at this day, have had a House to put 
•his Head in; even Constitution Hall would have been 

if 


90 


Book 2. ch. 13. pulled down, through the jealousy and envy of the 
Stewards and their Agents ; and the Estate shared by 
them and their mercenary Clerks and Lawyers, had it 
not been for the circumspection and care of Mrs. Bull. 
This has long been the case with the neighbouring 
Estates and Families, of Frankland, Iberia, and South- 
over, and most others, once existing on Terrafirm; 
the Stewards have, by degrees, seized the absolute 
possession of the Manors, and the Families to whom 
they belonged, are become merely their Vassals. 

And what fine work these pitiful parading Knaves 
have made of it, all the w orld may see from the wretch- 
^ ed State they are now in.* That the case is yet some- 
ferable con- thing better, both with John Bull and his Steward, is 
Buir to^ha^more owing to the Economy and Spirit of Mrs. Bull* 
bours! ne ' sh than to either the Wisdom, or Honesty, of the Stew¬ 
ard’s Office ; where they have long been driving hard 
for the same goal at which their Neighbours have so 
successfully arrived. 

As to Mrs. Bull’s Parentage, she is w r ell known to 

be descended of a truly ancient and most honourable 

Lineage, compared until which that of the most proud 

and pretending of the present Race of Stewards is but 

of yesterday, and without Name. And her Kindred 

were in high honour and trust in the Bull Family long 

before the Name or Office of a Head Steward was 

- » 

known or heard of in it.—It is true, John Bull in early 
times, did not live in so much Form and State as he 
does at present, and Mrs. Bull had then no regular 
Family Establishment; but being always deservedly a 
great favourite with the whole of John’s Kindred, she 

* 1812. 



91 


was expressly consulted upon every affair of import- Book 2. ch.13. 
ancc. And John lias, indeed, at present, very wisely 
entrusted the Purse and all Cash and Accounts entirely 
to her care. All monies come through her hands into 
those of the Steward; and all the Steward’s Accounts 
are examined and passed in her Family Office. Nor 
has she, on some occasions, failed to scrutinize those 
Accounts pretty strictly; and has often found them 
shamefully extravagant, and the Steward’s and his 
Clerks’ practices infamously extortionous and dishonest. 

Having just mentioned Mrs. Bull’s Iloushold 
Office, it may be proper here to give some Account of Tl ^ on C ™j 

the Constitution of that Office, and its important Uses Jxrs 0in3 Buirs 
and Ends in the whole Economy and Concerns of HousholdOf- 

I1CC* 

John Bull’s Family and Affairs. 

In former times Mrs. Bull had no regular Hous- 
liold Establishment, but on occasions, the Family in 
general waited on her in a body, to consult and advise 
with her; such was the Sage-meeting and the Folk¬ 
meeting mentioned above. But when the Family be¬ 
came numerous, and widely dispersed, this was found 
inconvenient, and tending to confusion. It was there¬ 
fore settled that they should meet in certain districts, 
and choose in each, from among themselves, so many 
trusty persons to attend on Mrs. Bull, and give their 
advice and assistance w r here necessary ; and especially 
to check the usurpations of the Steward, and the pre¬ 
sumption of his pragmatic meddling Clerks and Scriv¬ 
eners. This was the origin of Mrs. Bull’s Household 
Office ; which, answerable to the Two Meetings above 
mentioned, consists of two Divisions, called, from the 
places of their meeting, the Upper and the Lower 


1 


92 


Book 2 , ch. 13 . Chamber. The Upper Chamber answering to the 
Sage-meeting, consists, like that, of the Seniors orLead- 
ing Men of the Family ; and their place in the Office 
is hereditary; the Lower Chamber is constituted of 
Delegates, chosen as mentioned above, and on account 
of their consulting and deliberating, by the free speech 
of all present, the whole is sometimes called the Pala- 
verium, or speechifying Assembly. 

And so jealous were the Family of the Steward’s 
meddling with the choosing of those Delegates, that it 
is a fixed Regulation, that none of his Lawyers, Bra- 

voes, or Bullies,—of which he generally finds a pre- 

• 

fence to keep a number in pay—shall so much as ap¬ 
proach the place where they are met for the purpose 
of choosing those Representatives of the Family.— 
Yet so shamefully is all this necessary caution and jea¬ 
lousy now eluded, and abused, that a great proportion 
of the Lower Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office, 
really obtain that situation by the influence of the 
Steward’s Clerks and Agents, and are merely their 
tools and instruments. But the most absurd and in¬ 
credible circumstance is—that many of the Steward’s 
Clerks, Under-clerks, and Office-keepers, hold seats 
in Mrs. Bull’s Office. And many Members both of 
the Upper and Lower Chamber, are highly gratified 
by obtaining the Places of Lackies, Footmen, and 
Flonkies,* in the Steward’s Family. And not a Turn¬ 
spit’s Place, in the Steward’s Kitchen, or a Groom’s in 
his Stable, is disposed of but with a view to increase 


* Flonky—a Name applied in some parts of the Manor to a Footmaa 
or Livery Servant. 


% 




93 


The 


this pernicious Influence of the Steward in both Cham- Book 2. ch. 13, 
bers of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office. 

Yet so far is this Farce, and Affectation of jealousy 
carried, that though it is known that the hope of pre¬ 
sents from the Steward, or the prospect of a Place 
about liis Office or Houshold, are the sole objects of 
the eagerness with which a Seat in Mrs. Bull’s House¬ 
hold Office is sought after, it is still the practice, that 
whoever receives an Appointment from the Steward, 
or obtains a Place under him, must resign his Seat in 
Mrs. Bull’s Office; but then, he may, the very next 
day, be chosen to the same, or another place in it, by 
the same influence of the Steward and his Clerks. 

Formerly, Mrs. Bull, by the Right of Keeping 
the Purse, and of passing the Accounts, could restrain 
the profusion of the Steward, and regulate the Ex¬ 
pellees of the Family according to its income and abil¬ 
ity. And even after the Stewards had assumed that 
exorbitant Power, which was exercised under Guillam 
Norworld and his immediate successors, she was some¬ 
times able to check, and to wrest from them, some of 
those presumptuous Claims, and enormous Pretensions 
which they had set up for themselves. Alas! how dif¬ 
ferent the case now—when, besides the ruinous amount 
of ordinary expences, the most extravagant Accounts 
pass without scrutiny, and the most shameful Demands, 
under the name of a Message from the Steward, de¬ 
livered by one of his Clerks or his Major-domo, at Mrs. 

Bull’s Office, are immediately complied with in their 
full extent; accompanied with the highest profusion of 
Compliments for the great honour done them by the 
Steward, in condescending to communicate his desires 


Family 
Economy en¬ 
trusted to 
Mrs. Bull. 



94 


Book 2. ch. 13. and demands to them. And to satisfy these demands 
without stint, money must be found though John Bull’s 
Family should go supperless to bed* 

And all this shameful scene of Folly, Absurdity, 
and Ruinous Extravagance, springs from a still more 
An infamous shameful and infamous source,—a Notorious Com- 
AduHery e & merce of Prostitution and Adultery, carried on between 
carHed Utl °onthe Clerks and Agents about the Steward’s Office, and 
steward’s a- Domestics in Mrs. Bull’s Household., In conse- 
BuiiV & ^Do- < l uence tl iese profligate intrigues the Good Lady is, 
mestics. j n f ac t ; no longer Mistress of her own House, nor John 
Bull master of his own Estate, or Disposer of his own 
Money—of which, immense sums voted in Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, through the influence of these Intrigues, are 
known to be spent in the most shameful Prostitution, 
and in debauching the Family. Nor is this merce¬ 
nary commerce confined to Chambermaids, Semp- 
_ .stresses, and Waiting Gentlemen ; but mothers, daugli- 

Prostitution ters, sisters, of the best branches of John Bull’s Family 

between the J 

Stew ard’sOf- are notoriously engaged in it. Indeed, with a direct 

ficeandMrs. 

BuirsDomes- view to tills gain of Prostitution, a place in Mrs. Bull’s 

lies. 

Housliold, for which wages were wont to be received, 
is now become an object of ambition in the first Families 
on the Manor, without any other wages or reward, but 
the prospect of sharing in these wages of Iniquity. 
And Clymene herself could not be more jealously 
proud of being known for the Pellex of Apollo, than 
some pretending to great honour in John Bull’s Fa¬ 
mily, are of standing in the same relation to the Steward 
and his Clerks. And it must be confessed that no House 
in the whole county is more infamously reported of in 
this respect, than Mrs. Bull’s own House. 












. 93 

There are, who do not hesitate to say, that the Book 2 ch. i& 
Steward has an intrigue with Mrs. Bull herself,—nay, 
that she lives in a Commerce of habitual adultery with 
him; and that the Steward’s Head Clerk or Major- 
domo is the Pimp or Go-between in this business, and 
that the highest recommendation to his place, is, his 
being well qualified for this part of his Office. As for 
the Part the Steward and his Major-domo may have in 
these Intrigues, he would be a bold man who would 
undertake to clear either ; but nothing can be more 
false, scandalous, and unjust, than such a report, as 
far as Mrs. Bull herself is concerned. That such 
doings between the Steward’s Clerks and her Domes- 
tics are carried on under her roof, is too true; that 
of late scarce a Housekeeper, Waiting Gentlewoman, 
or Chambermaid, nor even a Scullion in the Kitchen, 
has escaped being debauched, is a Fact too notorious 
to be denied. And lately when one of those Clerks at¬ 
tempted to introduce a domestic into Mrs. Bull’s fami- 

1 . Commerce of 

ly, on the express terms of Prostitutes; the thing having Prostitution, 

come to Mrs. Bull’s knowledge, she took him roundly &c ' 

to tas'v.—But the shameless knave laughed in the good 

lady 5 s face, and told her that if she pretended to take 

notice of such things as these, she would find work 

enough; for the practice was as glaring as the Sun at 

noon. An answer, which, whether most distinguished 

for insolence, or for impudence, it may be difficult to 

determine. 

It is indeed perfectly known, that more than half 
the domestics in Mrs. Bull’s Family, are directly, or 
indirectly, introduced into their stations on this meri- 
tricious footing, and are in the constant pay of, and 


t 


96 


Book 2. ch. 13 . dependence on, the Steward and his Clerks, for the 
express purpose of ready and habitual Prostitution* 
—And what is still worse, not only is the most shameful 
debasement, debauchery, and profligacy, thus intro¬ 
duced into both Families; but all this is done at John 
Bull’s own expence ; and Mrs. Bull is obliged to find 
the money to purchase the Prostitution of her own 
Family. 

Of all this the Good Lady is but too sensible; 
but alas! she can neither correct, nor restrain it: so 
strong a Party has the Steward by the very means, and 
for the express end, of the above Prostitution, ob- 
Mrs. Bull intained in her Family. Much has Mrs. Bull remon- 

to restrain strated upon these doings, many regulations have been 

this infamous. . i , , , f . 

Commerce, introduced to restrain them, and many more have been 

proposed and attempted ; but all have been constantly 
frustrated by the influence of the Steward and his 
Clerks, with that of their Paramours under Mrs. Bull’s 
own roof. 

So tired out has Mrs. Bull sometimes been with 
vain and fruitless efforts to oppose and correct those 
flagrant abuses, that in absolute despair she ha shut 
herself up in her chamber for weeks and months to¬ 
gether, refused to shew her face in her own house; 
and let them go on just as they pleased—till alarmed, 
lest in their boundless profligacy and licencious riots 
they should pull down the Mansion of Constitution 
Hall upon their own heads, or provoke the Family 
through indignation to set it on fire about their ears,— 
she has again made her appearance. Indeed, one 
great object of Mrs. Bull’s attention has always been 
to preserve the Mansion House; and in spite of the 


/ 


/ 


97 


jealousy and opposition of the Steward’s office to repair Books, ch.13. 
its dilapidations and breaches, and to keep up the cus¬ 
tom of assembling and consulting in it on all the Fa- 


mily affairs. Hie family out of doors have sometimes 
taken Mis. Lull s part in these matters, and attempted 
to do her and themselves justice. But as they are apt 
to be rash in their proceedings, this is a remedy perhaps 
too dangerous for ordinary occasions; and the Steward 


In wliich the 
Family take 
her part. Ami 
with good 
reason ; as 
all is carried 
on at (heir 
Expence. 


with his Lawyers, always find a pretence to interfere, 
and to frustrate their designs, however well intended. 


The Bull Family in general have indeed the best 
and most indisputable Right to interpose in this affair of 
the Intrigues carried on in Mrs. Bull’s House, and the 
corruption and debauchery of her Servants; for as the 
whole Expences of the Steward’s Office, and all disburse¬ 
ments on the Manor are defrayed out of their pockets ; 
and even the money so profusely lavished on those in¬ 
famous intrigues, raised by a general contribution of the 
Family ; and as this contribution is first settled and ap¬ 
portioned in Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office, where all her 
Domestics have access and influence,—it is clear how 
much the w hole Family are concerned in their charac¬ 
ter and conduct. Even the wages of those domestics 
used to be paid immediately by the Family ; but now r , 
since this Commerce of Prostitution and Intrigue with 


the Steward’s Office took place, such is the confidence 
of gain from this Source, that no other wages are ex¬ 
pected or desired ; and yet a place in Mrs. Bull’s House 
is more eagerly sought after, and contended for, than 


ever. 

From what we have noticed above, it will be seen 
that such doings have not escaped the censure and re- 

o 


\ 


98 


Books, ch. 13. probation both of Mrs. Bull, and the honest and faith¬ 
ful part of her Houshold, as also of the Family out of 
. * . doors. Yet such is the insolence of those rascally 

The insolence . J 

of the sten-Clerks and their meiny, that they have dared to seize 

aid’s Clerks . . 

in opposing upon, threaten to horsewhip, toss in a blanket, or draff 
Mrs. Bull’s 

endeavours through the kennel, some of the most respectable and 
liouihoid! 11 most faithful of John Bull’s Family, merely for having 
spoken too plainly, and too truly of them, their para¬ 
mours, and their infamous practices. And yet it is the 
undoubted right of every Son 6f the Bull Family, of 
every one who enjoys the Privilege of Constitution Ilall, 
freely to examine, and Censure, every part of the con¬ 
duct both of the Steward’s Clerks, and of Mrs. Bull’s 
Houshold. And that upon principles of the soundest 
reason; as it is only examining the conduct of those 
to whom they have trusted their most important inter¬ 
ests ; and whose profusion and profligacy must be sup¬ 
ported at their expence. As to the Steward himself,— 
with a degree of absurdity rather exceeding Lord Pe¬ 
ter’s impeccability, it is pretended that he is exempted 
from error, and cannot do wrong. 

It will readily be acknowledged, that a Place in 
Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office honestly obtained, and 
Mrs. Bull’s faithfully discharged, is a station of great respectability, 
ficetnhon- 1111,1 considerable importance. As the persons holding 

tincti'on. And 11 must be S cnuine descendants of the family, or natu- 
stiil some true ralized into it; are intrusted with its chief interests. 

and faithful volo > 

Servants a- and by their station have much influence, and a poten- 
tial voice, m all the concerns of the Family and Manor. 
—And happily there are yet a few faithful and honest 
Servants in the House; who still stand by the Good 
Lady, and do not fail to assert her Rights and Autho- 


i 


I 


99 


rity in lier own House ; nor cease to exclaim and pro- Book s.ch. is. 
test against the notorious Prostitution carried on be¬ 
tween it and the Steward’s Office, though they are not 
able to put a stop to it. And if there be still any hope 
for John Bull, it must rest with those few, and the Fa¬ 
mily abroad. These united, may yet by the influence 
of Mrs. Bull, as Pursekeeper, be the means of preserving 
the Family and Estate, and even the Steward himself 
and all his House, from Ruin,—from that Destruction, 
which, without some effectual remedy, without some 
reformation in the Manners of Mrs. Bull’s Iloushold, 
is fast rushing upon them all. 


ntt 


» • . • * | . r , 

Chap. XIV. 


Contents. —The Absurd Notion of John Bull belonging to the Steward, 
and not the Steward to John Bull, examined, and exposed—with 
some Strictures on the Incorrigible Obstinacy with which this Ab¬ 
surdity is at present persisted in. 


The most extraordinary circumstance in the whole of TheNotion that 
this Scene of Profligacy and Ruin, is,—That, though iongs^o 1 the 
the Steward be of all parties the most concerned to find notthes’tew- 
a remedy, and bring about such a Reformation as may Bull—persis- 

. I • • 

preserve the Estate, yet the opposition and resistance |f pite 
to all Remedy and Reform proceeds entirely front the Jhe^rum ft 
Steward’s Office and Houshold, supported by those threatens to 
abandoned Prostitutes they have introduced into Mrs. but especi- 

J t > ally to the 

Bull’s Family. But according to our often-quoted steward. 

o 2 






100 


Book 2, eh. 14. Maxim,— Common Sense is a Rare Qualification in 
that Rank of Life. For the whole of this scene of 
Folly and Absurdity proceeds, and is sometimes even 
defended, upon this preposterous and ridiculous No¬ 
tion—that the Steward and his Olfice do not belong 1o 
John Bull, as part of his Establishment and Houshold; 
but that John Bull himself, his Family and Itoushold, 
his Estate and Manor, all belong to the Steward, and 
are mere appendages to his Office and Establishment: 
which exists solely for itself. 

How such an absurd and unnatural Position gained 
footing in former times, we have in some measure ac¬ 
counted for by the forcible Usurpation of the Steward¬ 
ship, and Seizure of the Manor, by Guiliam Norworld. 
—But whatever pretensions former Stewards might as¬ 
sume ; with respect to the family of John Bull’s present 
Steward, even the attempt, or pretence, to any such 
Proprietory Possession, must be peculiarly preposterous 
and absurd, not to say insidious and unjust. That fa¬ 
mily, as all the world knows, were put in possession of 
the Stewardship,—to which they stood in a very remote 
relation, and had no immediate claim or pretence ;—by 
the mere goodwill and choice of John Bull and his Fa- 
mily ; and on the express condition of managing the 
Estate for the Family, and under their control. It is 
true they were descended from an old Aunt of a dis¬ 
carded Steward, whose Father had been handed for 
malepractiees in the Stewardship r especially for acting 
upon this very Maxim, that John Bull and all that he 
bad belong to him ; instead of him and his Office be¬ 
ing but an appendage to John Bull’s Family Establish¬ 
ment. 


I 




1 











101 


And it is surely one of the most astonishing in- Book 2. ci». 14. 
stances of infatuation that can be found even in the ex¬ 
travagant Pretensions of Stewardism,—that though, in 
the instance stated above, the father had been handed, 
and the Sons had saved themselves by flight; yet 
, when, by means of Factions and Intrigues in the Fa¬ 
mily, they had been permitted to return—scarce were 
they again well settled in the Stewardship, when the 
Sons began the very same practices for which their fa¬ 
ther had been hanged. But the last of them finding 
himself detected, and the Bull Family determined to 
maintain their Rights, fearing his father’s fate, saved 
them all the trouble and expence of Prosecution and 
Conviction, by a secret and voluntary Flight.—And 
the incorrigible Folly as well as Knavery, of that 
Race of Stewards, was now so clear, that it was deter¬ 
mined, that neither he, nor any of his race, should ever 
be admitted to the Stewardship, or even allowed to set 
a foot on the Manor again. And the present line were, 
by a voluntary partiality, substituted in his place. 

And it is no less astonishing, that with all this before 
their eyes, the present Race of Stewards seem disposed 
to strike into the same dangerous and pernicious course 
that brought their predecessors to ruin ; only using 
less dangerous means. Taken in on the expulsion of 
the others, on mere friendship and partiality, from 
the good will of the Family, and some opinion en¬ 
tertained of their honesty, and especially because they 
had learned the same chatichism, and adopted the 
same creed, with themselves; whereas the Old Stew¬ 
ard’s family adhered strongly to that of Lord Peter,— 
they seem to have resumed the very same notion,— 



102 


Book2. ch.14. that John Bull and all that he has belongs to them. 


And have indeed, by means of the Intrigues above 

The above No- . , 

tion now ear- mentioned, the chicanery of their Clerks, and ma¬ 
nure effectu- nagement of their Major-domos, in fact, if not in 
than P in Ct the Profession, carried it into far more effectual practice, 
former* dis- than any of the former Race of Stewards could do, with 
of stewards! a ll their assumed Authority, and pretended indefeasi- 
Its present ble Right. Where the matter will end, Heaven only 
aspecc” 1 ' 1 * knows; but whenever it does end, it is to be feared it 
will be with a dreadful disaster to both : as, to a sense 
of the wrong done, must be added on the part of 
John Bull, the highest indignation and resentment 
of the base and insidious manner in which it has been 
done; by corrupting and debauching his Family, 
by exhausting its wealth on a set of base abandoned 
Prostitutes, pampered and upheld in Luxury and Vo¬ 


luptuousness beyond all the uses and ends of Nature; 
for the express purposes of treachery to the family; 
while the Family themselves are reduced to Bankrupt¬ 
cy, and a great part of them to Beggary. But if not 
seasonably prevented, a day of account is surely draw¬ 


ing near ; and those who are concerned will do w ell to 


As some reme- look to it. 

dy against 

the habitual In some degree to alleviate, or remedy, the Evils and 

prostitution f m J 

of Mrs. Bull’s Intrigues mentioned above, it is provided that the 

Domestics 

the whole set whole set of Domestics in Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Oiiice, 

are iq be 

chosen anew shall be dismissed once in seven years. A nd to time, 


years'.' 1 ^ But and announce this Dismission, belongs to the Office of 
Effect gen?i d -°f Steward ; who, upon good cause appearing, may 
edbytheTn- indeed, have recourse to the same measure at anytime. 
steward’sOf- A R d he is always sure to time it with a direct view to 


hoe and A- th e continuance of the same commerce of Prostitution 

geuti. 


103 


/ 


and Intrigue ; either by securing the return to place of Book 2 ch.H. 
as many as may be of the most thoroughly debauched 
of the former set, or by influencing the choice of others, 
known to be equally disposed to be debauched: for 
the same individuals may be returned to place, if the 

1 

Family, or rather the Steward’s Agents, by whose in¬ 
fluence the greater part of them are chosen, please to 
return them. 

It is indeed a common practice, whenever the tools 
in Mrs. Bull’s Office become dull, blunt, or unmanage¬ 
able by the Steward’s Major-domo, to dismiss the 
whole, and procure a new set to be chosen, more keen, 
handy, and tractable. 

From this step also, the Steward assumes the fur¬ 
ther advantage of pretending to have the general sanc¬ 
tion of the Family, and calls this appealing to their 
voice. As if those base Prostitutes procured by his 
Agents, were returned to place by the generalvoice of 
John Bull’s Family and Kindred; of whom not one in 
a thousand has a nominal vote in the case; and of those 
who nominally have a vote, not one in a hundred has 
any freedom or choice in bestowing it. However this 
Form, or Farce, of a pretended choosing is still kept 
up, because from the ready compliance the Steward’s 
Nomination is sure to meet with, there is no occasion 
to change it. Whenever a Vacancy happens in Mrs. 

Bull’s Iloushold, the Steward’s Major-domo or one of 
his Clerks, sends to those to whom it belongs to fill up 
the Place a Letter announcing the Name of a Person, 
whom perhaps they never saw, whose Name perhaps 
they before never heard—Or, perhaps he himself conde¬ 
scends to be the bearer of the Letter. He treats them 





104 

\ .. . 

Book 2. cb. 14. abundantly with victuals and drink, promises to pro* 
vide for their Sons, Nephews, and relations about t he 
Steward’s Houshold or Office; or to gratify them with 
Places, or Payments for doing nothing, all out of John 
Pull’s pocket, and the business is done. 

By these means the Steward can always secure 
such a number sufficiently compliant and prostitute, as 
will serve all the purposes of him and his Clerks, and 
give them the full command of Mrs. Bull’s Family and 
Houshold,—and in consequence, of the whole of John 
Bull’s Property. And whenever the case shall become 
otherwise, there is little doubt but the Farce of a pre¬ 
tended choosing may be dropped ; first in those cases 
where the compliance is known and certain ; and as 
these will be sufficient for all the purposes wanted, the 
rest will be considered as of no account. 

And though, as matters are now conducted, the 
Good Lady herself and a few chaste and honest do¬ 
mestics, w ho still stand by her, as w ell c'is the Family 
out of doors, exclaim upon, and remonstrate against, 
these profligate and infamous practices, this neither 
gives the Steward’s Office much concern, nor serves 
much purpose in behalf of the Family; as they can 
always depend upon finding a sufficient number of 
tools perfectly easy and manageable. Just as the 
Tailor, Shoemaker, Carpenter, or Blacksmith,—who 
has more Needles, Awls, Augurs, or Hammers, than 
he uses at once, does not trouble himself because any 
one of them will not answer all purposes, so he can 
always find some one to answer every purpose ; nor 
does he doubt but even the most inept may be found 
useful on some occasions* 






105 


We have now, it is presumed, given the Reader Book 2. ch. 14. 
a tolerable idea of Mrs. Bull’s Character, of the Eco¬ 
nomy of her Family, and Constitution of her Iloushold 
Office. Of which we have purposely carried the Ac¬ 
count beyond that period of our Memoirs at which we 
are now arrived, and even up to its present state and time. 

The means and steps by which it has proceeded to its 
present pitch of Profligacy, and contempt of Honour 
and Character, will appear in the course of these Me¬ 
moirs. Let us now resume our Narrative of the suc¬ 
cession of the Stewardship, and conduct of the Stew¬ 
ards, 






i 


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I ;j ■ » f - .' 'nt < \ * inil .* i _ 

\ . * ** 






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' 1 f.<' T '* ; m ^ *‘V». t '* 4 ' i 

■ ■ it vj 





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V :fo i • ' :<*x .. til 




I 




. .fW 



































BOOK III. 





Chap. I. 


Contexts. —The Stewardship of the First Ned, sometimes called Ned 
Spindleshanks—Seizes on the Manor of Davy Guelch—By covin en¬ 
deavours to get possession also of the Caledonian Manor—from which 
he is repeatedly expelled—dying, leaves it in charge to his Son to 
complete the Undertaking. 


To Harry succeeded his son Ned,—on account of his The Steward- 
Long Spindle Legs called Ned Spindleshanks, — a Spindieshmikt 
shrewd, ambidexter fellow, but not over scrupulous in Risingbu'tu li¬ 
the point of meum and tuum— of what belonged to him character, 
and what to his neighbour. In a word, he was one of 
the true Stewardical stamp; considering it as a suffi¬ 
cient right to any thing, that he had the means and the 
Power to Possess himself of it. 

However, he introduced some good customs and 
regulations on the Manor, and considerably improved CHpsithe^wings 
the Estate. He also soon clipped the wings of Peter, 
and obliged him to lower his high-flown pretensions.— 

Indeed, both John Bull and his Steward were now too 





I 




108 


Book 3,ch. i. high-spirited, and too much at accord, and conse¬ 
quently too much at leisure to look to their Affairs, for 
such pretensions to be maintained. 

But as Ned found no exercise for his enterprising 
spirit at home, lie soon cast his eye upon his poor 
neighbour Davy Guelch’s Estate. Davy had for some 

A Gueiciifan(i ^ me lived pretty quietly on a corner of his antient Ma- 

Soizes upon n0 v under the management of Stewards and Bailiffs of 
lus Manor. ' ^ 

his own Family. Against these Ned commenced a 
Lawsuit, as intermeddling with what he reckoned part 
of his Manor; and having cast them, Capiassed them, 
and got them into his power, most barbarously mur¬ 
dered them ; and thus having added their Demesnes to 
the original Estate, they have continued united to it 
unto this day. 

Ned next cast his eye on his other neighbour 
A t^r^CaiecSo- Sandy Ranger’s Manor of Caledonia, which he had 
bSonghilTto l° n g thought lay very convenient for himself. And 
Sandy Ran- W j ia j. ] le deemed a favourable opportunity of getting it 

into his hands having occurred, lie very nearly suc¬ 
ceeded in possessing himself of it. 

Sandy’s Head Steward had broken his neck by a 
desperate leap of his horse at a hunting-match; and hav- 
Get? possession died without any immediate Issue, and the sudden- 
by covin. ness G f ids death having prevented any settlement of the 
Succession to the Stewardship, a number of rival Com¬ 
petitors put in their claims. But to avoid all mischief, 
and the expense of so many Lawsuits as were likely to 
ensue, all the parties agreed with Sandy’s consent, to 
make their neighbour, honest Ned, arbitrer of their 
Pretensions. And to enable him to give validity lo his 
Award, some of the best Farms, and principal Man- 


109 


sions on the Manor, were put into his hand, to be BookS.ch.l. 
delivered up to the successful Candidate. 

After tampering with each of the Candidates by 
turns, Ned at last prevailed with one of them named 
Belial, by promising to decide in his favour, to agree 
to hold the Stewardship under him, Ned, as his su¬ 
perior ; and the Decision was made accordingly.— 

And soon after, Ned further prevailed with the same 
Belial, on condition of a certain sum to be paid him in 
hand, and an annual Pension for life, to consign both 
the Manor and Stewardship entirely over to him, in 
perpetual Superiority and Possession. 

But Saunders was not a man likely to submit pas- 

• i j i i i i i i i . , Sandy not a 

sively to be handed over and conveyed together with mantobepas- 
his Manor, and all his Property, at the will of his property' d< i>y 

oj i •* his Steward. 

h tcwurd • 

Ned, how r ever, had never given up those parts of 
the Estate which had been put into his hand to enable 
him to enforce his Award, and by means of the footing 
which these gave him, he several times made forcible 
entry on Sandy’s Manor, and sometimes even got Pos¬ 
session of his House; but was as often kicked out of 
doors with shame and disgrace, and frequently with a 
broken head into the bargain. 

It would be inexcusable here to pass over in si¬ 
lence the celebrated Guillam Guallace, one of the most 
noble-spirit fellows in the world ; and one who had ^ui^mGuai 1 - 
more firmly than any other opposed Ned’s pretensions, Iace - 
and often almost by himself driven him and all his ruf¬ 
fian Train oif the Caledonian Manor. And though he 
at last fell a victim to the perfidy and cruelty of Ned, 
before the final deliverance of his Family, yet was he 



no 


Book 3. ch. l. (lie principal instrument of its preservation, and per¬ 
haps of its deliverance. 

It happened on a time when the different parties 
held different portions of the Manor, and were daily 
quarrelling about them, that Guillam, strolling on the 
Banks of a River, observed on the other side, Robert de 
Bruss, one of the principal Competitors for the Stew¬ 
ardship when the reference was made to Ned. This 
Bruss being disappointed in his competition, had re- 

His Interview f “ . * , , T r 

with Robert tired to a large Farm he possessed on the Manor ot 
and its con- Albion, and had now accompanied Ned in one of his 
sequences. j ncurs i ons on the Caledonian Manor. Guillam, as an 

old acquaintance, called to him in a friendly manners 
and after some conversation across the stream, Guallace 
remonstrated how unworthy it was of such a man as 
him to abet the usurpation, and lackey the heels of 
the Oppressor and Spoiler of his Native Manor, to the 
Possession and Disposal of which he himself had a 
better Claim than any other man whatsoever—how 
much better it would become him to assert his own 

\ 

Right, in doing which every brave and honest man 
on the Manor would support and stand by him.—■ 
Bruss took in good part his remonstrance; but repre¬ 
sented the inequality of the contest, and the almost im¬ 
possibility of success after the footing which Ned had 
obtained : Guallace replied, that to brave men nothing 
was impossible; and if they could not command suc¬ 
cess, even in a good cause, they could at least die with 
honour in defence of it. They parted at present, but 
Guillam’s remonstrances sunk deep in the heart of 
Bruss, he retired upon his Albion Farm, become so re¬ 
served and thoughtful, that Ned began to entertain 


Ill 


some suspicions of him; and as he never let murder or Book 3. ch. l. 
any other atrocity stand in the way of his interest, 

Bruss’s death was determined upon. This Bruss was 
universally considered as one of the bravest and most 
accomplished Gentlemen of the age in which he lived. 

And one of Ned’s confidents, an old friend of Brass’, 
pitying that so brave a fellow should fall by so unwor¬ 
thy a fate,—though he knew that all communication 
with him was watched,—contrived to send him by a 
servant, a sum of money and a pair of spurs; pretend¬ 
ing that he had borrowed them of him. Bruss, who 
was sufficiently shrewd, knowing he had borrowed no 
such tilings, thought there must be some enigmatical 
meaning in this pretended restitution of his friend’s; 
and interpreting the spurs to admonish him of speedy 
mounted a swift horse, and just reached the Caledonian 
Manor in time to save his life. There he was instantly 
welcomed, joined by numbers, and immediately nomi¬ 
nated Head Steward by the whole Family. 

In the mean time, the brave Guallace was betrayed 
by one of his own friends, into Ned’s hands; but un- Gua u ace fa j] g 
der the most solemn assurance of personal safety, and 
that nothing further was intended than a restraint from of his friends 
raisinff disturbances on the Manor. But no sooner had fidy of tied. 
Ned got him into his hands, than—in the true spirit of 
his station, which in general is capable df but tw r o sen¬ 
sations, Rapacity and Revenge,—he put him to a most 
cruel and ignominious death. 

But notwithstanding all his difficulties, disappoint¬ 
ments, and repulses, Ned still persisted in his determi¬ 
nation to make himself Master of the Caledonian Ma¬ 
nor. And having resolved on a last, and full effort. 



112 


Book 3. ch. i. with all his power, he swore he would not leave a 
Caledonian alive, but he would hold the Manor. And 
Sandy, who, however unequal in other means, was not 
inferior in Spirit, swore with equal confidence, that 
while there was a Caledonian alive, he should not hold 
a foot of the Manor. 

However, fully intent on his purpose, Ned set out 

with a whole train of Solicitors, Attorneys, Clerks, 

, Scriveners, and Lawyers of all sorts ; besides Bailiffs, 

In the midst 

of a most Bullies, Bravoes, and Banditti of every description that 
Expedition could be scraped together on the Albion Manor, deter- 
cluedonian 6 niined upon a last and decisive effort. But after all, 
i^Seized^iijf-heing seized with some Gripings—not of conscience or 
o" a' ld more reraorse > but—of the Belly-ache, he died harmlessly on 
petition Ex tb e road, before lie had set a foot on Sandy’s Manor— 
And 

Hi motus animorum, et luec certamina tanta, 

Pulveris exiqui jactu compressa quiescunt. 

For here the whole Expedition ended for the pre¬ 
sent. This Sudden Call was doubtless a great disap¬ 
pointment to Ned. Ned had been assured by Prog¬ 
nosticators that lie should not die but at Sacrasalem, the 
capital of Sacraterr. Ned had always intended to join 
those fantastic Expeditions to that Country, but proba¬ 
bly thinking, that so long as he deferred it, he was sure 
to set Death at defiance ; he was in no haste to perform 
his purpose. In his extreme illness he happened to ask 
the Name of the Place where he was confined,—and 
bein«* answered that it was called Sacrasalem,—he felt 
his fate immediately. And soon after expired. 


113 


Chap. II. Book3. ch.2. 

Contexts.—T he Stewardship of the Second Ned—Renews his Father’s 
Pretensions to the Caledonian Manor—where, in an Attempt at 
Forcible Entry, he meets with a most disastrous Repulse, in which 
almost his whole Train of Lawyers, Bailiffs, Bullies, and Banditti 
have their Brains beat out, and he himself hardly escapes with life 
and limb.—This puts an end to all further Attempts and Pretensions 
on the Caledonian Manor. 

This Ned was succeeded by his Son, a Second Ned, 
but in vigour of character at least, far inferior to his The Second 
Father. However, having received his father’s last NeJ * 
injunctions never to abandon the Design on the Cale¬ 
donian Manor, after some delay, lie set out once more 
in great parade, with all the preparation his Father had 
provided, followed by the whole Meingy of John Bull’s 
Manor ; who all reckoned upon being enriched by the 
Possession and Plunder of Sandy’s Estate. 

Since the death of Ned, Actions at Law had been 
tried upon several separate points, which, under the 
conduct of Bruss, had uniformly terminated in favour 
of Sandy. At last it was determined on both sides to 
bring the Cause to a General Issue by one Great Trial 
at Bar. And a more decisive Issue never was obtained. 

For though in the number of Attorneys, Solicitors, and Renews his fa- 
Lawyers of all sorts, Bob could by no means compare upon the Ca- 
witli Ned ; yet he had drawn up his Brief so clearly J^ d r ‘ )nidn 
and concisely,—and his Counsel stated, their arguments 
with so much perspicuity and force, that they were al¬ 
together irresistible ; and nothing, as we have said, 
could be more decisive than the Issue. And the Cause 
having been tried upon Sandy’s Manor, where the Fa¬ 
mily were dreadfully exasperated by the long and cruel 
oppression and insults they had suffered from his Pre- 



Book 3. ch. 2 . deccssor, Ned was obliged, on the breaking up of the 
court, to sneak off, and run for it, like a detected Pick- 
Is cast, and ail pocket; and with difficulty reached his own Manor. 

Capiased, in —Which was, indeed, more than most of his Lawyers 

Triala^Ban and Train ever did; great numbers of them being 
seized and abused by the enraged Tenants on the Ca¬ 
ledon Manor, whom, under the patronage of Ned, 
they had so often insulted and plundered ; so that 
those who could escape with the loss of their Black 
Gowns, TyeWigs, and Green Bags, thought themselves 
highly fortunate. 

Though this decisive Verdict settled the General 
Issue, and put a final end to Ned’s Pretensions on San- 
dy’sManor, yet were not the two Neighbours perfectly 
reconciled for some time : during which, Sandy’s Fa- 
., mily, under the conduct of Bob, did not fail to make 

Which puts an . 

end to all ample reprisals upon John Bull’s Manor, for the waste 

Claims on the 11 . A _ . ? 

Caledonian and damage their own had sustained from the preten¬ 
sions and attempts of the first Ned. At last all claims 
on both sides were settled, all quarrels closed, and all 
pretensions to the Caledonian Manor, on the part of the 
Albion Steward, expressly renounced ; thus were peace 
and unity finally restored between the two Families and 
Manors. 

But as our business is with the Stewardship of 
John Bull’s Manor, and more particularly as it respects 
himself, we have perhaps here digressed a little too far, 
and shall now resume our subject. 

This Second Ned proved in the whole a weak, 
foolish, and very unfortunate Steward, and was at last 
murdered in a most shocking manner, by the machina¬ 
tions of his own wife and her paramour* 


Manor. 






115 


f 


Chap. III. 


Book 3, ch. 3. 


Contexts.— The Stewardship of the Third Ned.—This Ned a very brave 
Fellow—Sets up a claim to the Stewardship of the Frankland Manor 
—in which wonderfully successful in several great trials at Bar— 
yet at last fain to resign all his acquisitions and pretensions—falls into 
a kind of love-dotage, and extravagant Expense in his Old Age— 
which John Bull insists on restraining—and by the faithful support of 
Mrs. Bull’s Office, does it effectually. 


A Third Ned, the Son and Successor of the former, 
was a person of a very different character from his im- Tue llmtl Nt 
mediate predecessor; but as nothing very material to 
the state of the Manor, or the degree of Possession be¬ 
tween him and the Bull Family, happened during his 
Stewardship, we shall pass it over concisely. 

The principal matters touching upon our subject 
in these Stewardships, and indeed in every successive 
Stewardship after obtaining the Great Roll of Privi¬ 
leges, are, the constant jealousy and the unceasing in¬ 
sidious attempts of the Steward, to elude, invalidate, 
or annul, that important Instrument; beside their fre¬ 
quent direct violations of it. The first Ned had se¬ 
cretly and treacherously obtained from Peter,—who, as 
we have said, pretended to a power to dissolve the most 
solemn obligations,—a full dispensation from his oath 
and engagement to maintain those privileges.— But 
Mrs. Bull’s Office kept a sharp eye upon him ; and his 
design on the Caledonian Manor requiring the consent, 
aid, and assistance of the Bull Family, he found him¬ 
self obliged to stop short in his intended course of 
violating their privileges. The second Ned had taken 
up the same course ; especially in lavishing the Money 
of the Family upon a set of base and unworthy favour¬ 
ites; but the weakness of his character rendered his 


d 


\ 


/ 



q2 




116 


Books.ch.3. designs not very formidable. And the Family took 
care to see his favourites duly rewarded. The pre¬ 
sent Ned was so brave a Fellow, and so much at one 
with the Family, that in the early and active part of 
his life, no occasion of misunderstanding occurred 
between them. And so far was he from wishing to 
violate the Great Roll of Privileges, that he solemnly 
and voluntarily renewed, and confirmed it. And 
seemed to have the Rights, Privileges, and Prosperity 
of the Family no less at heart than his own. 

The most interesting Transaction of this Steward¬ 
ship at the time it took place, was, a long and violent 
Quarrel between the Frankland and Albion Stewards, 

Sets up prelen- . 

sions^to the arising from a Claim set up by Ned to the Frankland 
stewardship Stewardship, in right of his Mother, who was a daugh- 
most such at- ter of the Frankland Steward. In this Quarrel the 
jninateii/no- Folk in general on both Manors joined; and several 
grea S t ex- i m P 01 ^ ai1 ^ trials at Bar took place, the issues of which 
pence and were so j n f avQ ur of Ned, that he had the 

Sides. Frankland Steward arrested, and for some time kept 
him in prison. But as all this,—like most other Quar¬ 
rels and Lawsuits arising from the selfishness and 
intrigues of Stewards,—ended in nothing of any per¬ 
manent interest to the Bull Family or Manor, we shall 
not enter more particularly into it. Indeed, notwith¬ 
standing all the decisive Verdicts in favour of Ned, by 
a final compromise, almost all the Farms and Posses¬ 
sions held or claimed by the Albion Stewards, since 
Billy NorworhTs time, on the Frankland Manor, were 
expressly resigned. 

But in his old age, Ned fell into a kind of Love- 
dotage, and kept a fine Miss, an extravagant Jade, 


0 


117 


'who in gaudes and gaiety wasted every thing he had. Book 3. ch. 3. 

When he now applied to John Bull and the Palaverium 

for money—How contrary to the present practice—in- N a d e^us 

an expensive 
Love Dotage; 
and is soundly 
checked by 

vislied their money. Indeed the disputes between John John Bull, 
and his Steward arose principally from the article of 
Expences, in which all Stewards are prone to be la¬ 
vish. 

But John Bull had now resumed his proper cha¬ 
racter, knew himself to be Master of his own House 
and Manor, and was determined to maintain his right to 
regulate the Economy and Expences of his own Estate 
and Family ; and that if his Stew ard chose to play the 
fool, and to keep fine Misses, he must do it at his own 
Expense. And the Family and Tenants in general, 
out of whose pockets the money came, and without 
whose consent it could not be raised, took care to stand 
by and support the Squire on these occasions. For 
those shameful Intrigues, that infamous Commerce of 
Prostitution and Adultery between the Steward’s Office 
and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, by which John Bull and all 
that he has are now entirely at the Steward’s disposal, 
were then unknown. 


stead ot compliance, he met with nothing but re¬ 
proaches for the profusion and folly with which he la- 


* 



Book 3. ch. 4. 


Dick theincor 
rigible. 


■V 

118 ' 

Chap. IV. 

* 

Contents. —The Stewardship of the Second Dick, who may be called 
Dick the incorrigible.—Dick succeeds very young to the Stewardship 
—Gives himself up to worthless Favourites—to whom he trusts even 
the Business of the Stewardship—Obstinately incorrigible—His cousin 
Ilenry Longcampster—Supported by the Bull Family, undertakes to 
reform the Stewardship—Dick is deposed—imprisoned—murdered by 
the order or connivance of Harry—who hence assumes the Steward¬ 
ship. 

To this Ned succeeded Dick his grandson by Ned his 
eldest son, called the Sable Boy, a brave, promising 
youth, as ever the Bull Family bred; but, alas! now 
dead.—This Dick his son was a wilful, foolish, ill-ma¬ 
naged Lad, who minded nothing but his play and his 
pleasure. And he kept about him a set of Fellows as 
wilful, and more wicked than himself; and to these he 
intrusted even the business of the Steward’s Office, and 
the Economy of the Family and Manor. Excited and 
encouraged by such confidents, he squandered away 
the whole rents and produce of the Estate in mere boy¬ 
ish Extravagance and Folly, considered the Manor as 
entirely his own Property, and affected to hold John 
Bull and his Family in the utmost contempt. And 
when the Squire remonstrated on the subject, and in¬ 
sisted on the dismission of some of his worthless and 
profligate Companions and Agents, to whom he en¬ 
trusted the chief management of the Estate,—he an¬ 
swered—That he would not, for his pleasure, dismiss 
the meanest Servant in his Kitchen. But he was soon 
made sensible of his mistake ; and had good reason to 
repent of his folly and insolence. Yet in some in¬ 
stances, Dick gave proofs that he was not entirely void 
of the vigour of the Broomstick Race, from whence he 


i 


119 


was sprung, and wanted neither resolution nor capaci¬ 
ty, had he fallen into good hands. On one sucli occa¬ 
sion, the Lower Sort of the Folk on the Manor having 
risen about his ears, demanding redress of their wrongs, 
and the surrender of his profligate Agents and Associ¬ 
ates, whom they were ready to duck in the horsepond, 
or drag through the kennel; or even to tear them in 
pieces. The Leader of this importunate Rabble ad¬ 
vanced, and personally threatened Dick to his very 
face; when a brave fellow who stood by him, the Town 
Major of Ludd’s-town, stepping forward, knocked his 
brains out at a blow. The fate of their Leader struck 
the Rabble with surprise, astonishment, and rage, and 
they seemed ready for the most desperate proceeding ; 
but wanted a Head to conduct them—when Dick, with 
surprising presence of mind, seeming not to approve of 
what had just been done, stepped forward and said, 
a You have lost your leader—follow me my friends, I 
will lead you.”—While they, by a kind of blind im¬ 
pulse, followed him, he led them out of the Town, 
where they might have done infinite mischief, into the 
Fields,—in tiie mean time, the Town Major having 
assembled his Posse, came upon them, and dispersed 
them with a vengeance. As John Bull, however sen¬ 
sible of Dick’s misconduct and insolence, did not ap¬ 
prove of such rash and tumultuous proceeding, he took 
care to assist him in restraining and suppressing such 
irregular and disorderly doings in his Family. But 
Dick, perverted, and egged on by his Associates, was 
entirely incorrigible, and proceeded to set both pru¬ 
dence, and justice at defiance, till it cost him both his 
Oflice and his Life. 


Book 3. eh. 4. 

Dick, tho’ per¬ 
verted, not 
deficient ei¬ 
ther in cou¬ 
rage or ca¬ 
pacity. 

An Instance— 


I 


* 






120 


Book 3 . ch. 4. At no period does John Bull seem better to have 
known, or more firmly to have asserted and maintained 
. his own Rights in opposition to the claims and en- 

At this period & # 1 r 

John Bull croachments of his Stewards, than at present. About 
his Rights, this time, Dick, through the instigation of some of Lord 
Spies of "he Peter’s People, had by his own authority, with the ad¬ 
vice of his Associates, given Orders to restrain some Im¬ 
provements that were making in the mode of Education, 
Catechising, and Creed-craft, in Madam Bull’s Fami¬ 
ly ; but on the meeting of the Palaverium, they sent 
expressly to desire that those Orders should be recalled, 
because they were made without their advice and con¬ 
sent. On another occasion Dick sent a Writing con- 


Instances— 


taining a lavish grant of Lands upon the Manor, in 
favour of one of his worthless associates, to his chief 
Clerk or Secretary, who kept the Seal of the Manor, 
with Orders to Seal and Execute the Writing; the 
Secretary, on reading it, perceiving its unreasonable¬ 
ness, and enormous extent, refused to put the Seal to 
it; because, as he said, he held the Seal in trust, not 
from him alone, but jointly from the Steward and Pa¬ 
laverium, in behalf of the Family. And when Dick 
sent in a passion to order him to deliver up the Seal, he 
refused, till he came in person and demanded it; he 
then delivered it, and refused to act any more under 
him. These instances shew what are the fundamental 
Principles and practices of the Albion Manor, and of 
Stewardship*. 

Dick wanted money to supply his pleasures, and had 


assembled Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office, and ordered 
them to provide for his wants; they replied, by desir¬ 
ing him to dismiss his Cash-keeper and his Chief Clerk, 





121 


'whom he had substituted in the place of him who re- Book 3. ch. 4. 
fused to obey his order, and to call them to account, 
and seize the money they had dishonestly diverted to 
their own use, and he would find abundance to supply 
his wants. It was on this occasion that he made the in¬ 
solent answer mentioned above—implying that the Pa- 
laverium ought to mind the business lie had assembled 
them for, to find money to supply his wants, and that 
lie would not for their pleasure dismiss a Scullion in his 
Kitchen. 

Upon this he left them in a great huff, and next Dick puts lnm- 

1 n 7 sell in a great 

day sent them an imperious Order to provide him im- passion— 
mediately the supply he wanted. With which Order 
they were so far from complying, that they sent him 
word that if lie did not return and join them, according 
to the custom at that time, and give up his Cashier and 
Clerks to be brought to account, and punished, they 
would grant no supply, nor pay any regard to his Or¬ 
ders whatever. This put him in a perfect rage; and 
he commanded certain of their number to come before 
liim, and account for their conduct, and submit to con¬ 
dign punishment. Instead of complying with this man¬ 
date, they sent two of their most respectable Members 
to tell him plainly,—that if lie did not conduct him¬ 
self better, and act more according to his station, they 


would proceed to choose and appoint another Steward But is oblige! 

1 11 to comply, 

in his place. The boldness of this Message struck him and give up 
with instant alarm; his Favourites and Advisers, in the 
utmost apprehension both for themselves and him, now 
advised him to join the Palavcrium, which he did; 
and his Cash-keeper and Clerks were brought to ac- 


his Instru¬ 
ments. Tin* 
extent of 
whose A bu¬ 
ses, when dis¬ 
covered, as- 


\ 


11 



\oo 

Book 5, ch. 4. count, and were found guilty of the most enormous 
frauds and abuses ; and besides what they had squan¬ 
dered away, had amassed wealth enough to have im¬ 
poverished the whole Manor. When the whole of 
their rapacity and extortion was brought to light, even 
Dick himself expressed his surprise at the extent and 
amount of it. 

The perfidious Dick now pretended to accommodate himself cn- 
t)ick. S ° tirely to the Palaverium and the will of the Family ; 

and invited them to send a deputation of their leading 
men to lay their grievances specifically before him, 
which should all be redressed. But all this was mere 
dissimulation and treachery ; for he had set a party of 
ruffians to way-lay their deputies and knock their brains 
out before they could reach him ; and had beside sent 
* some of his Favourites and prime Agents to collect all 
the Banditti and Bullies they could raise on the Manor, 
and to come and fall on the Palaverium itself, and so 
make him entire master of the Manor and Family. But 
the Deputation which was sent to him was aware of his 
design, and took care not to be surprised; and his 
, Agents and their Banditti were encountered on the way 
by a party much superior to themselves; and soon en¬ 
tirely dispersed. Indeed their leaders were much fitter 
for the revels of Luxury, and the gambols of a Lady’s 
Chamber, than to encounter the brave sons of the 
Bull Family, in a quarrel, now come to blows. After 
tins detection of his treachery, Dissimulation could 
stand Dick in little stead, and being perfectly incorrigi¬ 
ble, and bent upon ruin, he proceeded to direct usurp¬ 
ation and violence. And here we find the first tamper- 


/ 


123 


ing with Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office, whicli has since Book 3.ch. 4 . 
become so approved and successful a practice in the 
hand of treacherous and ill-designing Stewards. 

When Billy Norworld seized into his own hands 
the whole Property and Privileges of the Bull Family, 
among others he assumed the Nomination and Appoint- 
* ment to all Offices and Magistracies, which originally 
belonged to the Family ; and particularly that of 
Greeve, or First Magistrate of the Share, Shire, or Di¬ 
vision. Of this usurped privilege, Dick availed him¬ 
self to appoint in every Division one of his own tools 
entirely devoted to his will. And as this Officer has 
the chief influence in conducting the choice of Mrs. 

Bull’s Houshold, Dick sent to each Share-greeve a list 
of those he would have chosen. And if any were cho¬ 
sen contrary to this List, he ordered them to cause ano¬ 
ther choice to be made. Having thus got a Palaveriuin 
wholely named by himself, and entirely at his disposal, 
he thought he might now proceed according to his 
pleasure. But to make all more secure, he got a vote 
passed in the Palaverium, and subscribed by all the 
Magistrates and Authorities on the Manor,—Declaring 
—That the Steward was above all Laws, and all the 
Customs of the Manor, and might set them all aside at 
his pleasure. It is true, one of the most conscientious 
of the Magistrates, when he had signed this writing, said 
—Now want I nothing but a Halter, to bring me to that 
Death I so well deserve, for signing such a false and 
pernicious Declaration. 

Fortunately for themselves, at the present time, 
the Agents of the Stewardship, though they possess a 
Palaverium as much at their disposal as these their pre- 







124 


Book 5. ch. 4. decessors; and do much more effectually dispose of 
it,—have, if not more honesty, at least more wit, than 
to make any such declaration of their principles and 
power as the above. 

But Dick thought himself now quite secure, and be¬ 
gan to act without any restraint, or the least regard to Law 
or Justice. He had, indeed, an Uncle called the Good 
Man of Gloster, who could not help frequently admo¬ 
nishing him both of his Errors, and of his Dangers. 
This only real friend he had left, he got into his pow- 


Causes his Un¬ 


derlie Good er, and had him conveyed to an old castle, where he 
Gloster, and ordered him to be strangled in his bed-chamber. In 

other?, to be, 
murdered. 


the same manner, he rid himself of several other of the 
leading men of the family, whom he knew to be hostile 
to his measures: particularly the Elder man of A run- 
vale, at whose murder lie would himself be present.— 
Such deeds would render any other character the hor¬ 
ror and detestation of mankind, and the whole Race 
would pursue them with vengeance; in the Stevvardical 
Character, they are but ordinary occurrences; and 
they excited in Dick neither remorse nor apprehension. 

But unfortunately for Dick, the Bull Family had 
not then acquired all that patient resignation, and pas¬ 
sive acquiescence which they now display, so much to 
the Steward’s Accommodation. For John Bull was all 
this time fretting and fuming with indignation, to be 
thus used by his own Steward. And the whole family 
provoked by the extortion and rapacity of himself and 
his insatiable Agents, wanted but some one to head 
them, and lead them on, to rise in irresistible rage about 
their ears.—And this want was soon supplied by one 
exactly to their purpose. 


I 


;; 







125 


As the great Estates and wealth of his Uncle of Book 3 . ch. 4. 
Gloster, and others whom he had put to death, could 

. . _ _ 1 ’ The Bull Fa- 

not satisfy the boundless demands of Dick’s profusion miiy provok- 

and Pleasures ; his cousin Harry Bolingburn, being 011 patience, un- 
some occasion at a distance from the Manor, when his ence of Ilar- 
Father, Laird of Longcampster, died, Dick, with en- bu rn ,depofe 
tire disregard to kindred, justice, or honesty, seized substitute 111 
upon all Iiis vast Estates, and forbade his Soil and in lliS 

Heir ever to return, or appear upon the Manor of Al¬ 
bion to claim them. Harry was not a man to put up 
quietly with such treatment; and being a gay, plausi¬ 
ble, brave fellow, and a great Favourite with the Bull 
Family in general; depending on this partiality, he 
ventured in defiance of the Steward’s prohibition to ap¬ 
pear on the Manor. And by exclaiming with great 
plausibility against the injustice that had been done him, 
in seizing on his inheritance in his absence, and against 
the Perfidy and Rapacity of Dick in general, he en¬ 
gaged a strong party of the family in his favour; who 
being further irritated by their own oppressions and in¬ 
sults, were ready to go all lengths in doing him and 
themselves justice. And Harry in return promised to 
stand by them in procuring redress of the family griev¬ 
ances, and in restraining Dick’s insolence and oppres¬ 
sions : at the same time, protesting against any design 
on the Stewardship, or any thing beyond correcting 
its abuses. • 

Having thus gained entire credit with the Family, 


Harry soon found every thing at his nod; and Dick, as 
he certainly deserved, and might expect, found himself 
deserted by all. His base and incapable Agents were 
soon seized upon, and sacrificed to the just resentment 


126 


Book 3. cli.4. of the Family; being hanged indeed with little for¬ 
mality of trial. The wretched Dick now found him¬ 
self entirely at the mercy of those he had so grossly 
Dick deposed injured and insulted; and reckoning perhaps something 
Stewardship! on the influence of kindred and blood, chose to put 
himself in the hands of his cousin ; only intreating him 
to spare liis life, which was promised. 

It was agreed that they should adjourn to Luds- 
town, the Capital Mansion of the Manor, and there 
settle all matters. And here it was that Dick first dis¬ 
covered his true situation, and how much he had been 
deceived by his pretended Friends and Favourites. 
These had made him believe, that though a few disap¬ 
pointed Leaders and candidates for Places and Power 
were discontented, John Bull and the whole Family 
were perfectly pleased and satisfied with his conduct. 
Just as a certain traitorous Journal* lately told an 
older, and hence we hope a wiser—certainly a better 
warned,—Incumbent on the Stewardship,-—that though 
a few meddling malecontents about Luds-town cen¬ 
sured his conduct: yet nothing could be more popu¬ 
lar, more approved, and admired, by all the rest of 
the Bull Family than his Conduct and Character.—- 
Which, besides its falsehood in both cases, amounts to 
no less than an infamous libel upon the whole Bull 
family; as making them all dupes, fools, or knaves, 
except a few individuals about Luds-town. But poor 
Dick now found too late, how wretchedly lie had been 
imposed upon, and deceived. As they approached 
Luds-town, the people poured out in crowds to wel¬ 
come Harry with peals of acclamation and applause— 


* The Courier , June, 1812.~Pret. Com. 







127 ; 

I - ‘J 

while they not only loaded the wretched Dick with Book 3 . ch. 4. 
torrents of curses, execrations, and insults; but actually 
threw stones and bricks and filth from the Houses and 
windows upon his head as he passed along the street. 

Dick could not but feel this as a prelude to his 
funeral knell, and from henceforth gave himself up for 
lost, and voluntarily resigned all pretensions to the 
Stewardship; of which he, truly, professed himself 
unworthy. 

Harry began now to indulge more aspiring views, 0 p!-et?n- 
and to assume more ambitious aims, than he had at sumes^the 
first professed. Mrs. Bull’s Houshold was immedi- ^uJhorit^of 
ately assembled, and besides Dick’s voluntary resigna- steward, 
tion, and confession of unworthiness, the Palaverium, 
as the supreme organ of the Family’s Will, formally 
deposed him from the Stewardship, as incapable and 
unworthy to hold it, All this was, no doubt, done 
without the least interference, or impulse from Harry ; 
but as he had been so happily, and so actively, instru- 
mental in rescuing them from such gross oppression 
and insult, it was proposed to offer him the Steward¬ 
ship. Not but that there was beside Dick a nearer 
Heir; but Harry’s great merits and popularity with 
the Family overbalanced this consideration; and the 
Decision of the Palaverium expressing the full consent 
of the Family—no doubt the best ground for such dis¬ 
posal—the Stewardship was fully conferred upon 
Harry. 

Thus by the arts of his cousin, and the just indig¬ 
nation of the Bull Family, Dick was deservedly de¬ 
posed from the Stewardship. And though Harry af¬ 
fected at first to hold, and exercise, the Office only for 




128 


Book 3. ch. 4. 


Cruel Murder 
of Dick. 


redress of wrongs, and correction of abuses, he soon 
openly and avowedly assumed both the Name, and full 
Power of the Stewardship. 

In the mean time, poor Dick was confined to an 
old Mansion at a place called Brokenbridge ;* where 
soon after,—if not by the order, certainly by the con¬ 
nivance of his Cousin,—some Ruffians broke in upon 
him, and most cruelly murdered him. As in some 
passages of his Life, so especially in the circumstances 
of his Death, this unfortunate man gave proof that he 
was not naturally deficient in vigour either of body or 
mind. When his Assassins broke in upon him to the 
number of nine ; perceiving their intent, he sprung 
upon the foremost, seized and wrested from him a pole¬ 
axe, with which he killed four of the number before 
they could master him; but at last one of them having 
stunned him by a blow on the head, as he fell they all 
rushed upon, and dispatched him. 


t 


* Pontefract. Prct. Com. 





BOOK IV. 




Chap. I. 


Contents. —The Stewardship of Harry of Ijongcampster ; or Harry the 
fourth of that Name.—Harry a person of vigour and capacity—estab¬ 
lishes himself and family firmly in the Stewardship.—Not content to 
hold the office upon the only true and legitimate Title, the appoint¬ 
ment of his Employer, pretends to patch up a Title upon the footing 
of Hereditary Right.—Which Title being palpably defective upon 
this very principle that he was so fond of having recourse to, his family 
were after three generations ejected from the Stewardship. 

H arry was now in full possession of the Steward¬ 
ship by the best of all titles, the consent and appoint- 

* J _ _ ** Stewardship of 


ment of the Lord of the Manor, 

whom the Manor belonged ; but he was not altogether 



Harry of 

Longcamp- 

ster. 


satisfied to hold it by this title, as implying an ultimate 


Right in the Family to dispose of the Stewardship ; 


which however just and true, no Steward is willing to 
acknowledge. He therefore endeavoured to patch up 
some hereditary pretensions.—But this was too pal¬ 
pable a piece of patch-work to deserve examination; 
there being notoriously a descendant of an Older branch 


s 










130 


Kook 4. cli. 2. 


Endeavours to 
natch up a 
Title of He¬ 
reditary 
Right to the 
Stewardship; 
by the ope¬ 
ration of 
which Here¬ 
ditary Right 
his Family 
are in the 
Sequel final¬ 
ly expelled 
from it. 


of the Family of the last Ned their Grandfather still 
alive. Harry’s only tide was Possession, and the Con¬ 
sent of the Landlord and Family; and these were no 
doubt sufficient, had he come honestly and fairly by 
them, and been content to rest his title upon them.— 
Harry, however, was in Possession, and being a per¬ 
son of vigour and capacity established himself and his 
Family so firmly in the Office that their Possession and 
Right seemed fixed, and indisputable. And might 
have continued so, had that true Principle, of holding 
it by the consent and gift of the Family, of which he 
was so jealous and suspicious, been duly adhered to. 
And they lost it by the operation of that very Principle 
which he took so much pains to patch up and establish. 
Hereditary Right. 


* 


Chap. II. 


Contents.— The Stewardship of the fifth Harry.—This Harry a brave 
free-hearted Fellow—hence a great favourite with the Bull Family. 
—Goes to Law with Lewis Baboon for the Stewardship of the Frank- 
land Manor—after a great and decisive Trial at Bar actually obtains 
it.—Marries Lewis’s Daughter Kate and is fully settled in the Stew¬ 
ardship—dies soon after and leaves a Son not ten months old. 


The Longcampster Family, however, held the Office 
T shipoFHarry to t,ie third Generation. The second of the Family 
mouth? 10 " 5 " and Name > called Harry of Mongmouth, was a brave 
free open hearted fellow ; and from congeniality of 

/ 


/ 




/ 


131 


Character deservedly a great favorite with John Bull Book 4. ch.2. 
and his Family. This Harry chose to renew the Claim 
set up by the third Ned, his Great Grandfather, 
to the Stewardship of the Frankland Manor. In di¬ 
rect lineal Succession their Title was perhaps good, but 
was excluded by an antient and invariable law or Cus¬ 
tom of the Frankland Manor, viz. That no female 
could succeed, or transmit Succession. This claim 
had lain dormant since the time of Ned the Great 


Grandfather; but the present Ilarry being a bold ac¬ 
tive aspiring character ; and both his enterprising dis¬ 
position, and the situation of his affairs, inviting him 
to revive it, he determined, in spite of this antient Cus¬ 
tom to assert his Claim. In pursuance of this design 
he commenced a Lawsuit against Carlos the present 
occupier of the Stewardship ; and after several less im¬ 
portant Issues, Carlos ’was at last cast in one great and 
decisive action called the Action of Agintower from the 
place where it was tried, in the neighbourhood of an 
old Castle of that name. In consequence of the Fer- 
dict obtained in this Action, it was settled that Harry 
should marry Carlos’s Daughter Kate, and succeed 
him in the Stewardship, to the exclusion of his Son 
Carlos, already grown up, and all other lineal Heirs. 
No doubt both Harry and John Bull, who had sup¬ 
ported him in his Claim, derived great reputation and 
eclat from this transaction; yet was it, in its conse¬ 
quences, one of the most disasterous to both that could 
possibly have happened; as indeed all acquisitions, 
claims, and Possessions of John Bull’s Stew ards on Ter¬ 
ra-firm, have uniformly proved. 


Claims the 
Stewardship 
of the Frank¬ 
land Manor, 
and obtains 
it by a deci¬ 
sive Trial at 
Bar at Agin¬ 
tower— 

Dies soon after 


i 


s 2 



\ 


132 


Book 4. ch. 3. 


Chap. III. 


Contents. —The Stewardship of the sixth Harry, or Harry the imbecile. 
—Through the Ambition, Broils, and Quarrels, of those about Young 
Harry, the whole of the Frankland Manor lost during his nonage.— 
Dick D’Eorkus, the Representative of the right Heir, who had been 
superseded by the fourth Harry, starts up, and claims the Steward" 
ship of the Albion Manor.—After a long and obstinate Contest with 
varying success the Eorkists obtain the Stewardship, and the Long- 
campster Race is expelled.—Harry dies or is murdered in prison it is 
scarce know n how. 


The Steward¬ 
ship of Harry 
the Imbe¬ 
cile. 


Both the Life and Stewardship of the above Harry 
were but of short continuance ; and dying he left his 


only Son a mere infant not ten months old ; yet was he 


declared Ileir and Occupier of Both Stewardships, un¬ 


der the Guardianship of his Uncles by the hither’s 


side. These Uncles were men of ability, and faithful 
to their Nephew, yet by quarrels and jealousies among 
Succeeds in themselves, together with the ambition and factions of 

mere Infan- 

cy to both the Leading men on the Bull Manor—many of whom 
and Frank- were now become great, powerful, and turbulent— 
ardships— W P oor Harry before the end of a weak and inglorious 
Stewardship was stripped of both his Manors; and 
closed iiis life in a prison. 


It may be presumed, that neither could the disin¬ 
herited Heir of the Frankland Stewardship be well re¬ 
conciled to resign his right in consequence of the Ver¬ 
dict obtained in a precarious lawsuit; nor could the 
Tenants and Holders on the Manor like to see them¬ 
selves and their Interests absolutely disposed of with¬ 
out their consent being either given, or asked. Ac¬ 
cordingly , these two parties joining their Interests 
and Efforts, and taking advantage of the Quarrels and 
dissentions in the Bull Steward’s Office, soon drove 


\ 


f 




133 


Harry’s people and all the Partisans of the Bull family Book4,ch.S. 
off the Frankland Manor. And not only did the Bull 
Steward’s family at this time lose all the Interest and 
Possession that the late Harry had obtained in Frank- 
land ; but even, at last, those large Possessions, which 
they had held ever since the time of Guillam Nor- 
world, were either by the prevalence of the Franks, or 
by the treachery of Harry’s Agents entirely, and for 
ever, lost to the Albion Stewardship and Manor. This 
event when it happened was no doubt exceeding mor- 
tifying to the vanity, and lessening to the importance, 
not only of the Stewards but of John Bull himself; yet 
was it perhaps in reality one of the most fortunate 
events for the Bull Family and Manor that ever took Fortunately 
place. As every event must prove fortunate, which Famny loses 
shall cut off, and exclude, all Interest, Possession, and }!^ d 
Interference of the Albion Stewards upon Terrafirm. Possessions e 
And even from the present pernicious Lawsuit, which of his Family 
w as so perversly begun, and has been so long and so 
disasterously continued, should the Fortunes of the 
Bull Family at all survive it, it is to be hoped one 
important advantage may be derived—that of the 
extinction for ever of all Interest and Interference 
of the Albion Stewardship and Stewards upon Terra- 
firm.* Those Terrafirmal Possessions are now in 
other hands, and however the present Lawsuit may be 
compromised ; should it be on terms, that—for what¬ 
ever compensation—shall for ever henceforth exclude 
their being held by the Bull Family Steward, it would 
be an Event worthy of a more triumphant Jubilee than 

* Alas! so far is this hope from being confirmed, that, since writing 
the above, the case has become more desperate than ever. 



134 


Book 4. ch. 3. all the Jubilees that have been celebrated during this 
Jubilant Stewardship. 

But the greatest disasters of the Stewardship of 
this Harry, whom we may call Harry the imbecile, 
sprung from a different source. We took notice above 
that Harry Longcampster, though he had by art and 
management obtained the Stewardship, was not the 
lineal Heir of Ned his Grandfather, there being De¬ 
scendants of an Elder Branch of the Family alive. 
But during the active and vigorous Stewardships of 
the two preceding Harries these had with much caution 
been kept in obscurity, and the head of the Family, 
the immediate Heir, under some pretence or other had 
been confined in a prison, and scarely heard of till he 
died. 

DickD’Eorkus By his death Dick D’Eorkus, his Nephew, be- 
Heir putsTn came the Lineal Heir. This Dick was a bold auda- 
u'tl steward- c i° us fellow, and had three Sons grown up as daring 
slup. a nd confident as himself. These, conscious of the 
claims they possessed, were not the men to sit quiet, and 
let their supposed Right be kept from them by so easy 
and weak an Instrument as poor Harry was now found 
to be :—very unfit indeed to have charge of the Estate, 
or manage the affairs of such a numerous and turbulent 
Family as that of John Bull’s was now become. 

Dick, having consulted some of his friends, began 
his operations by claiming the Honours and distinction 
due to his rank and station as a private individual, 
from which he had hitherto been jealously excluded* 
These could not now be well denied him ; and he soon 
made them steps to mount higher, and at last openly 
asserted his Right to the Stewardship. 


135 


\ 


That Dick was the lineal heir of the Oldest Erancli Book 4.ch.£. 
of the Broomstick Family there could be no doubt.— 

But there can be as little doubt both from reason and 
fact, that though the Stewardship was made in a cer¬ 
tain degree hereditary, it must still be ultimately under 
the control and regulation of the Proprietor.—It is 
impossible,—it is inconceivable, either in Law or Rea¬ 
son, that any Agreement or Constitution could so abso¬ 
lutely consign and dispose of the Rights, Privileges, 

Persons, and Property, of a numerous and far-spread 
Family, a whole Race of People, as that they them¬ 
selves could not upon any necessity, or emergency what¬ 
soever, change or alter it. It is impossible that any g taf6ment of 
such Disposal however pretended, or intended, could Ar s u ' 

ever set aside or make void the natural and unalienable 
Right of succeeding Generations to do themselves 
right, to improve their condition, to dispose of them¬ 
selves and their own affairs. Now as Harry of Long- 
campster,—the term by which we shall henceforth dis¬ 
tinguish that Party,—by whatever sinister arts lie ob¬ 
tained the Stewardship, was settled and confirmed in 
it by the full consent of the Family, and had so held it 
for three generations,—the Title and Right of his 
Family was no doubt, at least as good as that of the 
Original Possessor. And is the same indeed by which 
the Office is held at this day ; and the only legitimate 
one by which any such Office or Station can be ob¬ 
tained, or held. And which, though not sufficient to 
bar the same Disposal of it again, when from the same 
abuses the same necessity shall arise, yet w r as certainly 
as sufficientto bar Dick’s claim and pretensions, as the 
Settlement on the Present Steward’s Family is to bar 




136 

( * 

Book 4. ch. 3. the Pretensions of the old discarded Family, or any 
other Claim whatsoever. To assert the contrary of 
this, would be just as absurd, as to assert that the pre¬ 
sent Generation have a Right to dispose of their Chil¬ 
dren and all their Posterity as Slaves for ever ; and 
that those Children and Posterity through all genera¬ 
tions, however able and however excited to reclaim 
and vindicate their Freedom, are obliged to submit 
themselves for ever, as Slaves to the Descendants of 
those Masters to whom their Ancestors had consigned 
them. 

So that had Dick D’Eorkus had no other ground to 
go upon but his Lineal Descent and Hereditary Claim, 
both in Right, and fact, his Title might easily have 
been contemned. But alas! such were at this Time 
the Factions, Quarrels, and Ambition, among the 
Great Leading Branches of the Bull Family, that dif¬ 
ferent Parties were ready to sacrifice themselves, the 
paternal Estate, and the whole Family, to their Jea¬ 
lousy and Ambition.-This State of Affairs may be 

thus accounted for.— ( 

Guillam D’Nor world having, as related above, 
dispossessed John Bull’s Family entirely of their 
Lands, lavished them in enormous and disproportioned 
Grants to a few of his Clerks, Scriviners, Bailiffs, and 
other Favorites. And even when John Bull’s Family 
began to recover part of the Estate, it was still only a 
few Favourites who could be of service to the Usurp¬ 
er’s Interest that could obtain them. Thus the whole 
Lands of the extensive Manor of Albion, which ori<ri- 
nally belonged to the Bull Family in general, were now 
got into the hands of a few; who by wealth and power 


f 



137 


kept all the rest in a manner dependant upon them¬ 
selves. And the Norworld or Frankland and Bull 
families having by length of time and indiscriminate 
intercourse entirely coalesced, these few had engrossed 
almost the whole Power and Property on the Manor 
into their own hands. And dividing the whole Family 
into Factions, were often abie to set both John Bull and 
his Steward at defiance. 

If indeed the Steward happened to be a person of 
activity, address, and vigour, and on good terms with 
the Family in general, he could for the most part keep 
those powerful Leaders in some order, and suppress 
their insolence ; but if he was weak, easy, and indo¬ 
lent, as in the present instance, their turbulence and 
factions exceeded all bounds. And to one or other of 
these Great Men, or Aristocrates, as we would now 
call them, almost the whole family attached themselves, 
and were indeed dependant on them even for subsist- 
ance. 

t #' * . _ * 

These Aristocrates, then, encouraged by the weak¬ 
ness and easiness of Harry’s Character, and the depen- 
dance to which, by their disproportioned Power and 
Possessions, they had reduced the bulk of the Bull 
family, taking Part, some with Harry the Present Pos¬ 
sessor, some with Dick the New Pretender, under the 
Names of the Longcampstrist and Eorkist, divided the 
Folk on the Albion Manor into tw o of the most violent 
and irreconcilable Factions that ever existed among the 
same stock and kindred. 

Thus mutually irritated and inflamed, to Law and 
Broils they went, each fully determined on the entire 
ruin of the other: Nor did the wreck and waste of the 

T 


Book 4. ch.S. 

A too power¬ 
ful and tur¬ 
bulent Aris¬ 
tocracy the 
cause of the 
factious state 
of the Manor 


< ,/ 


I 

138 , . 

Book 4. ch. 3. Estate, and ruin of the Family, in their relentless ani¬ 
mosities, give them any concern or check. Nor amidst 
their furious passions and headlong pursuits, did these 
Candidates ever allow themselves to think, that after all 
their quarrels and Lawsuits about the Stewardship, 
neither the one nor the other could have any Right to 
it but by John Bull’s own Consent and disposal. And 
though at that time this principle was not so decidedly 
ascertained and acknowledged as it uow is, yet was it 
clearly deducible not only from reason and common 
sense, but from the Spirit and Tenor of the Great 
Roll, so often mentioned above, and sanctioned by all 
Parties. 

But the truth is, though this Great Roll was then 

^u^tifi^time being, an d in full force ; yet such is the propensity 

entirely neg-of persons of this Station and Character to contemn all 
Jetted. r 

Right, and to break through all restraint but their own 
Will and Passions, that little more regard was had to 
this most important Deed and Instrument, than if no 
such had existed. And the Stewards had again assumed 
all the insolence of the Original Norworld Race. And 
the Folk on the Manor in general, as is always the case 
with such, being more influenced by Custom and Habit, 
than by Reason or Right; and being mostly held in 
servile dependance on the Aristocrates, had almost lost 
both the sight, and the knowledge, of their Rights and 
Privileges; as well as the power and spirit to maintain 
and defend them. 

It would be both tedious and superfluous here to 
recount the numerous Trials at Bar,—the various and 
contradictory Verdicts obtained in this long and obsti¬ 
nate Quarrel; as well as the many bruises, black eyes, 


139 


broken limbs, and spattered brains, that daily occur- Book 4. ch. 3. 
red in the broils and scuffles that took place between 
the adherents of the different Parties. For, in such 
Quarrels the Cause is never maintained by reason and 
argument alone : and here each Party kept in pay a 
set of Ruffians, Bailiffs, Bullies, and Banditti, ready 
for any enterprise they might choose to set them on. 

And whereever these met a desperate Scuffle was sure 
to ensue; which never ended without maiming and 
bloodshed. 

In consequence of these indecisive Verdicts, and 
varying scuffles, sometimes the one, and sometimes the 
other, seized the Stewardship, and Wasted the Manor. 

But at last a final and decisive Verdict was obtained by 

# . After various 

the Eorkists; and the Longcampstrian Partisans were indecisiveTri- 

a j s t! )C 

beaten from the field, and from the Bar, and durst never Son of Dick, 

^ , . T ~ obtains the 

shew their laces in Court again. In consequence ol stewardship, 
this Decision, Ned, the Son of Dick the first Claimant, 
took possession of the Stewardship : Dick himself hav¬ 
ing had his brains beat out in one of these scuffles 
during the Quarrel, and his battered Scull set upon the 
gate of Fork Town. And poor Harry was soon after 
murdered, or died in Prison, it is scarce known how. 




/ 


140 


Book 4. ch. 4. CHAP IV. 

Contents. —The Stewardship of the fourth Ned—and of the fifth,—if he 
may be at all said to have held the Stewardship.—Some shocking in¬ 
stances of Cruelty and unjust Judgment under the fourth Ned—dying 
leaves a Son, Ned, a promising Youth about twelve years of age, with 
another son a few years younger—both almost immediately murdered 
by their Uncle Dick Hunchback—who himself assumes the Steward¬ 
ship. 

This Ned was a gay handsome amorous blade, and 
a great favorite with the Ladies; which was of no 
ship of the httle service to him m getting, and keeping, quiet pos- 
or Ur Ned N the session of the Stewardship. But Ned though seemingly 
Debonair. a f me cour tly debonair fellow, had at bottom all the 
unfeeling Insensibility and disregard for man’s Life 
that belongs to the true Stewardical Character. Of 
this a poor fellow who kept a little Vintner’s Shop in 
Ludstown had a woful proof. This unfortunate Wight 
had put up for his Sign the Steward’s Crest, or Ensign 
of Office; and willing to Entertain his Guests not only 
with his Wine but also with his Wit, he said lie would 
make his Son Heir to the Steward's Crest —the Name 
by which, according to custom, his House was known. 
But he paid dear for his wit; for the Speech having 
come to Ned’s ears, lie had him hanged without re¬ 
morse or remedy. It was in the same Stewardship, 
that another no less luckless Wight happening to have 
some dispute with a Retainer to one of your Aristocrates, 
who, as the custom then was, wore a badge bearing his 
master’s Crest, which, in order to strike his Antagonist 
in the dispute dumb at once, he held up to him ;—this 
Crest happened to be a Swan, which the unfortunate 
man mistaking for a Goose, said, in the genuine Bull 
Spirit, “ I don’t mind that Goose; ”—but the poor man 


\ 


i 


141 


f 


was actually hanged for calling the Great Man’s Swan Book 4, ch«4. 
a Goose. 

Ned’s Stewardship was not of long continuance; 
and dying in the prime of life he left a Son of his own 
name, a Boy about twelve years of age, to succeed him, 
and also another Son a few years younger. The eldest 
was immediately admitted to the Stewardship, under 
the Guardianship of his Uncle Dick Hunchback, a a fifth Nod, a 
fellow equally distorted in Person and Character, in reeds—and Ts 
Body and Mind; but not deficient of force and vigour ™ade d,t away 
in either. This wretch having first got his Nephews uncle by Diclk 
into his hands, by causing some uncles by the mother’s Ilunchback * 
side, to whom the care of their Education had been 
committed, to be murdered, he determined at ail events 
to get rid of them also, and to force himself into the 
Stewardship. 

To effect this lie began by trumping up a story of 
their Father’s illegitimacy, though at the expence of 
the honour of his own mother, a venerable Old Lady 
still alive. He also endeavoured to impeach the legi¬ 
timacy of his Nephews themselves, in consequence of a 
reported contract between their Father and another 
Lady before lie was married to their Mother. But his 
surest card in playing this Game, and that on which 
he placed most dependancc, was, to get the seeming ap¬ 
probation of John Bull and the Folk on the Manor. 

To any other person in Dick’s situation this would have 
appeared a desperate Attempt, for Dick, on account of 
the known perverseness and depravity both of his Per¬ 
son and Character, w as almost universally detested by 
the Family; besides their abhorrence of the aim he 
had at present in view. 





Boo\ 4. ch. 4 


•i ■ 


142 

I 

However, Dick represented the insufficiency of a 
Boy for such extensive affairs, and the weakness of his 
own Authority in the limited Character of a Guardian ; 
and having assembled the Rabble of Ludstown, he en¬ 
deavoured by a plausible harangue to get them to hol¬ 
low and hail him Steward !—but even the Mob had too 
much sense of honour and justice; and not a man of 
them would open his mouth. At last having planted 
among them some of his own Creatures and Dependants, 
and given them their Lesson; he renewed his ha¬ 
rangue : and a few voices from the Crowd were heard 
to call out—Let Richard be Steward !—Save Steward 
Richard ! To this he appealed as an universal consent. 
And having partly by fear, and partly by promises of 
Farms and Freeholds out of the Manor, prevailed on 
two or three of the principal Holders to countenance 
his Design, he made these the pretence of a general in¬ 
vitation to assume the Stewardship; and at last with 
great affected reluctance, actually assumed it. His 
Nephews, two fine promising Boys, were, under pre¬ 
tence of safety, sent to an old Castle belonging to the 
Steward; and were never seen nor heard of more. 


4 



/ 


I 

143 


Chap. V« Bjokt.ch.o. 

\ 

Contents.— The Stewardship of the third Dick, or Dick Hunchback— 

This Dick a Fellow equally depraved in Body and Mind—Soon be¬ 
comes universally detested—A general Conspiracy against him, 
headed by Harry De Rougemont—In one of those Brawls which are 
common on such occasions Dick gets his brains beat out, and Harry 
with the consent of John Bull and the Family assumes the Steward¬ 
ship . 

However little account the Stewards on John Bull’s 
Estate may affect to make of the choice, consent, or ap- Hick Hunch- 
probation, of the Family, when they think themselves the cE^of 
securely fixed in the office ‘ and however confidently and a?sa mil 
they may talk of indefeasable Hereditary Right when i t j 1 , i e i)- Slcward * 
such doctrines suit their purposes,—no sooner do they 
find their situation doubtful, or want to found a new 
Claim, than they are fain to have recourse to this only 
true and Legitimate ground of Right, the Approbation 
of the Proprietors, the Choice of John Bull and his 
Family. And had this Dick had any fair pretension 
to rest his Possession on that foundation, it might per¬ 
haps have been both valid and lasting. But Dick’s 
claim to such a choice was a mere pretence, which 
could neither impose upon himself nor others. 

But, besides his Possession being a mere usurpa- 
tion, both on the civil Rights of his Nephews, and the 
natural Rights of John Bull, the desperate wicked¬ 
ness of his Character, and especially the murder of his 
Nephews, had rendered this Dick so universally de¬ 
tested, that there was a general combination of almost 
all who lived on the Manor to expel him from the isdeposed.and 
Stewardship. A few Lawyers, indeed, and some attend- ilyTheuVtvch¬ 
ants about the Steward’s Office,—and these, because ^Jj d co ^pera- 
they could not well extricate themselves from him— nonotiheia- 


144 


Beuk4.eh.fc stood by him. But when a Prosecution was raised 
against him, and an Action at Law was brought under 
the conduct of Harry Godgift, Elderman of Rouge- 
ment, supported by almost the whole Inhabitants of 
the Manor, a Rencounter of the Parties took place ; 
and some even of those who pretended to be of Dick’s 
side, deserting him, he was found at the close of the 
Fray with his brains beat out, whether by his own party 
or the opposite was never known ; but that the thing 
was done seemed to give great satisfaction to all parties, 
and put an end to the Lawsuit. 


Chap. VI. 


Contents. —The Stewardship of the Seventh Harry.—This Harry pre¬ 
suming on some alliances to the Longcampster Line—takes Possession 
of the Stewardship—is confirmed by the consent of the Bull Faniily» 
his only valid Title—marries the Eldest Daughter of the late Ned, 
since the Death of her Brothers the real lineal Heiress to the Steward¬ 
ship—of which title her Husband was so zealous that he never treated 
her generously nor tenderly.—This Harry’s most conspicuous charac¬ 
teristic Avarice, and the principal Business of his Stewardship Ex¬ 
torting Money under various pretences from rich Individuals. 


This Harry De Rougemont was allied to tbe Longcamp¬ 
ster Family, and had some remote pretensions to the 


Harry De Stewardship ; of which he availed himself to take im- 
Rougemont r 

assumes the mediate possession of it. And as this was done with the 

Stewardship, A 

withthecon- universal consent of John Bull’s Family ; which was 
probation ofindeed his only valid Title, he stood firmly established 
the J? .um!y. ^ p ie Office. But this universal consent arose rather 


from his having rid them of such a detestable pest as 






145 


Dick, than from the opinion of any Claim or Right Book 4. ch.6. 
inherent in himself. But to strengthen his Claim 
both from Possession and Right, and to make that of 
his Posterity indisputable, he, conformable to the de¬ 
sire of the whole Bull Family, married Bett, the Eldest 
Daughter of the late Ned ; since the death of her Bro¬ 
thers the unquestionable lineal Heir to the Steward¬ 
ship. 


their leading 
Men extin¬ 
guished in 
them ; Harry 
assumes a most 
vigorous and 
arbitrary Ex¬ 
ercise of the 
Stewardship. 


This Harry was a shrewd, politic, deep designing 
knave, and taking advantage of the situation of things, 
at his accession to the Stewardship, when the Family 
were quite tired out with broils and quarrels, he laid 
the foundation of a more vigorous, efficient, and deci- T J. ie . 
sive, exercise of the Office, than any of his Predeces- Broils, and 
sors since John Bull recovered the Right and Posses¬ 
sion of his own Manor, had been able to attain to. 

For however arbitrary the Principles and dispositions 
of the Original Norworld Race might be ; they found 
themselves in general, after the first Guillam, so much 
checked by the defects in their Titles, and the defer¬ 
ence they were hence obliged to show to the Tenants 
and people on the Manor, that they seldom could 
carry their power to the full extent of their Principles. 

And they were at last still further impeded in the ex¬ 
ercise of this power by the great influence of the prin¬ 
cipal occupiers of land on the Manor, who had either 
come in with Guillam and claimed to be Sharers in his 
acquisitions; or had risen in consequence of the indul¬ 
gence of his Successors to the Supporters of their defec¬ 
tive Titles. But this Harry not only united in his 
Family by his marriage, the Claims of both the late 
contending Parties; but it contributed further to his 


u 


146 


Book 4. ch. 6. stability, that daring the long contests in which almost 
every one took a part, the great Occupiers of Land, 
many of whom had scarce less power and influence 
than the Steward himself, had either been ruined in 
their Fortunes, or their Families had been extinguished 
in the late long quarrels and broils, in which, as wc 
have said, many on both sides lost their lives. And 
even those who survived, and still retained their Lands, 
found themselves so much encumbered with debts, in 
which these quarrels had involved them, that they were 
fain to dispose of part of their large estates, in order to 
disencumber the rest. To do this, Harry gave them 
good leave ; as being sensible that he was thereby get¬ 
ting rid of the most powerful and troublesome inter¬ 
rupters of that arbitrary exercise of the Office, which 

4 

every Steward aims at. Add to all this, that the Folk 
on the Estate were in general so tired out, and so sick 
of Broils and Quarrels about the Stewardship, in which 
many of them had little interest or concern, that they 
were glad to sit down quietly under almost any exer¬ 
cise of it. 

Of this Harry's Character one of the most distin- 
Harry’s lead- gushed features was avarice, an insatiable desire of 

sUytiie^amas- amass ^ n » money ; in which indeed he was highly suc- 

smg of Mo-cessful. For as rich individuals were his marked prey, 

ney: which i j * 

he does with the Tenantry and Folk on the Manor in general were 

great dexte- < ° 

rity and sue* not much interrupted, and in return minded their own 

cess 

business, and did not much interrupt him in his pro¬ 
ceedings. And as he set upon his victims one by one, 
whom under various pretences he fined in enormous sums 
in the Courts of the Manor; and as each hoped to 
escape till he himself was seized on, no general combi- 


i 




147 




nation of the Rich was excited against him. Of these Book i. ch. 6. 
long and successful extortions he had two tried and 
approved agents named Duddy and Dempson^ a couple 
of Hounds true to the scent, and eager in the chace ; But his lnstru- 
the keenest Diabolus Dispesatorius, in our days not dy 
more so. But what deserves observation, as mark- huulabi^but 
ing the difference between these times and ours, 8ol,t f r y ex - 

7 ample, are 

is, that though these trusty Curs of the Steward h * n £ e 1 d . tor 
went on long with impunity, they both at last 
received the due reward of their deeds, and were 
hanged for their practices. Whereas so thoroughly 
inured are the Bull family now to submission and pa¬ 
tience, that the most obnoxious tools of the Steward 
know they have nothing to fear, or answer for, either 
with their lives or property ; though instead of a few 
Rich Men. their extortion and rapacity extends to every 
Individual on the Manor, who has any thing to part 
with, or to be seized upon ; or who dares to assume a 
thought or sentiment of his own, or utter a word that 
may detect the pernicious policy of the Steward’s 
Office. 

By the means mentioned above, this Harry, the 
first of the Theodore, or Godgift Line, transmitted the Transmits ^is 
Stewardship to his Son of the same Name, so firmly 'ilenewiyas- 
established both in wealth and authority, that No Stew- gtrafnof Au- 
ard since Guillam of Norworld had exercised the Office J ,or,t y ‘ n th< l 
with so high a hand. And it requires to be particu- the steward 

ship to his son 

larly noticed, that this high and arbitrary Exercise of Harry-which 

J . . . ... ... is vigorously 

the Stewardship was so vigourously maintained by his maintained 

successors through the whole of the Godgift Line; that whole of the 

though a mere usurpation, confirmed by habit, and 0f, s iftL,ne * 

encouraged by Forbearance, it came to be looked upon 

v2 






148 


Book 4. ch< 0 . as the genuine Spirit and Principle of the Office. And 
those who, notwithstanding the Great Roll , the Claim 
of Rights , the Roll of Rights , and all the solemn 
sanctions since confirmed by Facts, and now in force 
to the contrary, would still bring the Execise of the 
Stewardship to these arbitrary Principles, and put the 
^uou^SiTof servant before his Master, the Steward above his Lord, 
sumed'by the are s tdl fond recurring to these times for precedents, 

steward. To these times also, and to this over-strained idea of 
the Exercise of the Steward’s Office and Authority may 
be referred the resumption of that insolent and assum¬ 
ing stile and Manner of Speech still permitted, and 
constantly used by the Steward, of calling the Family 
and Folk on the Manor My Folic ,—and the Meeting, 
originally intended to consult about the affairs of the 
Family, and to direct and restrain his Authority and 
Power, My Faithful Folic-meeting ,—and both Cham¬ 
bers of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office, My Palaverium. 
And when lately, in our own times, a despicable Syco¬ 
phant Knave* to flatter the Steward, and feel the Pulse 
of the Folk on the Manor, ventured to broach the Doc- 
— An instance trine-—-That the Steward was the sole Source and Spring 
of itb eflects. a jj p ower? Possession, and Right on the Manor ; and 

that all Laws, Customs, and Privileges centered solely 
. in his Authority.—That Constitution Hall with all its 
Privileges and Rights of Protection might be blown in 
the air,—Mrs. Bull turned out of doors, and the House 
razed to the Foundation—in short—that all that John 
Bull and his Family had been for generations labourin 






* The Recreant R—v—s. This Wolf in sheep’s clothing, w ho would 
have reduced all Liberty to the Steward’s Will, and consigned all proper¬ 
ty to his disposal, had a little before set up the Cry of Liberty and Pro¬ 
perty. Such are the tricks attempted to be played upon John Bull. 





149 


to establish and secure, might be lopt off and swept away ; Book 4. ch. 
and yet the whole Economy of the Manor would be essen¬ 
tially perfect and entire if the Steward’s Office and Au¬ 
thority remained. But when some of the few faithful 
Sons of the Family in the Palaverium, jealous of the 
Squire’s Interest and Mrs. Bull’s Honour,—proposed to 
call this Caitif to account for such a traiterous position; 
the skulking Knave was fain to pull in his horns; and 
to take shelter under the above Mode of Speech, plead¬ 
ing, that he meant nothing more than it implied. And 
by the accustomed influence of the Steward’s Agents he 
escaped even without censure : a proof that it is high 
time that this Mode of Speech were put an end to, 
when such plain and palpable Villainy can find Shelter 
under it. Not but that the Mode of Speech is at pre¬ 
sent too well supported by Facts. Yet dare not the 
boldest advocate of such Speeches, nor the readiest 
Actors in such Facts, appeal to their direct meaning 
and tendency in Support of their Principles and De¬ 
signs ; as conscious that they are no less false and inde¬ 
fensible, than they are evident and undeniable. 




150 


Book 4 ci». 7. Chap. VII. 

Contents. —The Stewardship of the Eighth Harry—this Harry comes to 
the Stewardship in the early prime of Youth, full of Life and Spirit. 
and setting out in a high Strain of Gayety and Expence soon dissipates 
the immense treasures his Father’s Avarice had amassed—The most 
important transaction of this Stewardship the Quarrel with Peter, and 
his consequent expulsion from the Manor—another distinguished fea¬ 
ture of this Steward’s character was his singular humour w ith respect 
so his Wives—of which he married Six—hanged two—devorced two— 
one dying of her first child eluded her fate, one after a very narrow 
escape for her her life, saw him out. 

The steward-H arry, the Second of the Godgift Line, succeeded his 
EighthVai- Father in the Stewardship, in the early prime of youth, 
Iy * and being gay, free, and high-spirited, he soon dissi¬ 

pated the immense wealth that his father had amassed. 
And so great was his vanity and ostentation, that in a 
lawsuit which he had with Lewis Baboon, he affected to 
retain as a lawyer in his cause the great Squire South,- 
who assumes the highest stile and title of the whole 
country round, and allowed him a retaining Fee of 
100 dollars a day. And the Squire, a covetous crafty 
hunks, always ready to do any thing for money, was 
very happy at such a price to flatter Harry’s vanity^ 
and made no little ostent of the honour he did him in 
condescending to receive his money. This is perhaps 
the first instance of that practice, which has since in 
our time so ruinously prevailed, of the profuse and un- 
conscientious lavishing of John Bull’s money in retain¬ 
ing Fees to lawyers and their Train on Terrafirm, for 
the Interest, or Vanity of the Steward. 

But the most important, and prominent feature, in 
the Character and Stewardship of this Harry, was his 
Quarrel and Breacli with Lord Peter. And that arose 
chiefly from another, scarce less distinguishing feature; 


151 



his singular humour with respect to his Wives, of which 
he had Six successively. And of these, two he hanged, 
two he divorced, one escaped fairly by dying in child¬ 
bed of her first child, and the Sixth, after a very nar¬ 
row escape for her life, saw him out, and survived him. 

This Fellow, though as unprincipled as any of his 
Station, had no notion, like most of them, of keeping a 
Mistress when he had got tired of his Wife, or of in¬ 
dulging his fancy abroad when it was surfeited with its 
object at home. But being as entirely addicted to self¬ 
gratification as any of the Race could be; and as, in the 
true Spirit of his Profession, the Life of Man orWoman 
was nothing to him, his readiest way seemed to be, 
when tired of one Wife, or when he had cast his eye on 
another object, to make room for her by dispatchingthe 
first. Two of the number mentioned above, however, 
beino* from the Families of two neighbouring Stewards 
of great Authority and Influence in the whole country 
round, he durst not altogether indulge his own dispo¬ 
sition in getting rid of them in the shortest and most 
efficacious way ; he was therefore content with di¬ 
vorcing them. The others being natives of the Manor, 
and of John Bull’s own Family, with w hom he thought 
no ceremony was necessary, lie made no difficulty ol 
dispatching them in his own way.—But to the point ol 
his dispute with Peter. 

We have already observed that the first Ned had 
dipt the wings of Peter, and set some bounds to his 
Pretensions in the Manor of Albion. But though from 
that time his Authority and Influence were greatly li¬ 
mited, compared to what they had been in Steward 
Jack’s time, when he assumed the sole disposal of the 


Book 4. ch. 7. 

The two most 
distinguishing 
Features of 
his r Charac¬ 
ter and Stew¬ 
ardship, the 
Dismissal of 
Peter,— and 
singular Dis¬ 
posal of Six 
Wives. 


/ 




152 


Book 4.ch. 7. Manor; yet as John Bull’s Mother’s Household Stew¬ 
ard* and Manager of her large Jointure, to which he 
obstinately pretended, his influence on the Estate, and 
authority with the Family, were still very considerable, 
particularly all matters concerning Pontificals, Creeds, 
and Kirkcraft, were still permitted to be under his 
management. Marriage and Divorce, of course, fell 
within his Province. 

Now Harry, after he had lived twenty years with 
his first Wife Kate, having cast an eye on one of her 
waiting maids, began to be troubled with unconquera¬ 
ble scruples of conscience about the lawfulness of his 
marriage, because his wife had been contracted in early 
youth to his elder brother, who died a boy. He ac¬ 
cordingly applied for Peter’s authority to divorce her 
under pretence of these checks of conscience, and this 
unlawfulness of his marriage.—Whatever his pretence 
. might have been, it would have made no diiFerence with 
Peter ; nor for what his authority was wanted—whe¬ 
ther to divorce his Wife, to marry his Mother, or to 
murder his Father, Peter’s sanction might with equal 
ease and certainty have been obtained, by one so able 
and willing to pay for it as Harry was in the present 
instance. But it happened that this wife was the sister 
of the Great Lord Strut, a person of prime importance 
and of extensive influence in the country round ; and 
being in high favour with Peter, he interposed in be¬ 
half of his sister to prevent the divorce. This greatly 
embarrassed Peter, who wished not to offend either of 
the two parties, each of which he thought he might 
turn to good account. But, as in the present case he 
could not oblige both, he thought it his best game to 


i 



153 


temporize, and tamper with each party separately, and Book ch. 7. 
to protract as long as possible a business, which while 
it lasted was sure to draw money and compliances from 
both. 


But Harry’s humour was too impatient, and his 
Character too impetuous, to be trifled with. And find¬ 
ing he Could bring Peter to no decision, and that he 
rather favoured liis adversary’s side, after much time 


and tampering,—he determined by his own Authority 
to turn his wife out of doors, and Peter with all his 
Train out of John Bull’s Mother’s House, and off the 
Manor of Albion at once. Which with a small effort 
of his Authority he effectually did. 

This, considering the influence of Peter at that 


Peter and all 
his Pack 
turned out 
of doors; 
and all his 
Power and 
Pretensions 
assumed by 
Harry him 
self.— 


time through the whole Country, was certainly a bold 
stroke; but perfectly in character for Harry. Peter 
then being expelled the Manor, Harry had no difficulty, 
by means of the Chief of the Kirkcraft Cast on the 
Manor, to obtain a divorce from his Old Wife, and a 
Marriage with a young one; for truly Kate was a little 
in years, and considerably older than Harry himself. 

Harry now, in conformity with the arbitrary strain 
which the Stewardship had then assumed, declared that 
he took all Matters which had formerly been under the 
management of Peter and his Agent into his own hands. 

And that the Economy of John Bull’s Mother’s Hous- 
hold, the Disposal of her jointure, with whatever re- Stewardship, 
lated to Creeds or Kirkcraft, equally with all the other 
concerns of the Manor, rested wliolely with himself. 

In fact, John Bull and all that lie had were not more 
arbitrarily claimed and possessed by Guillam of Nor- 


x 






154 

Book 1. ch. 7 . world than now by this Harry.—And even at the pre¬ 
sent day, when every intimation of the Will of the 
Steward; though it were to call for 500,000 livres at 
a time to support the ex pence of his Daughters’ 
Vanity, or to discharge the debts of his Son’s De¬ 
bauchery, is re-echoed with eager complaisance by 
the Palaverium,—even at this day, though John 
and all he possesses are more easily and indispul- 
edly at the Disposal of the Steward,'—they arc not more 
absolutely disposed of by him, than they were by this 
Harry : whose Father had but a few years before, by 
the mere favour and partiality of the Family stepped 
into the Stewardship.—-And this will always be the 
case with every Steward, where the Landlord does not 
keep a proper eye and check upon him : of this John 
Bull’s Affairs at this moment afford a deplorable, and 
it is to be feared, a desperate proof. 

However even this arbitrary assumption into such 
a hand as Harry’s proved on this occasion of some ad¬ 
vantage to the Family, as it got them rid of the crafly 
Knave Peter and his Policy for ever. And the Spirit 
of the Bull Family, though at that time depressed and 
seemingly dormant, found afterwards a time and means 
effectually to check the presumptuous pretensions of 
the Stewardship. 

But though this step of Harry’s, in driving the 
Rogue Peter with all his Train out of Madam Bull’s 
House, and from all their possessions on the Manor, 
was in the event attended with great and important 
consequences, yet the advantages of it did not immedi¬ 
ately much appear. For this Harry was just as inso- 



155 


lent and as arbitrary as Peter himself could be; and Book 4. ch. a, 
assumed the same absolute tyranny over the understand¬ 
ing, Conscience, and common Sense of the People on 
the Manor that Peter had done. 

And as to the immense Possessions which Peter 
and his followers had got into their hands out of the 
Old Lady’s Estates and Jointure Lands, instead of re¬ 
storing them to the Squire or his Mother, to whom they 
belonged, the Steward lavished them in extravagant 
and unconscionable Donations upon his Favorites, 

Menial Servants, and the Idlest Attendants about his 
Office, 


Chap. VIII. 

* 

Contents*— The Stewardship of the Sixth Ned.—This Ned a most prom¬ 
ising Youth—acts under the Guardianship of Two Uncles—During 
his short Stewardship the Bull Family make considerable advances 
in Freedom and Knowledge—Dies under age. 

14 ' L ' * ' * 1 >' ' ■ • 1 ■ ' . i ' » , i J f\* ’ ,. 

To Harry succeeded his only Son Ned. This Ned The steward- 
was a most amiable and promising Youth ; but when sixth Ned! e 
his Father died he was a mere boy, and principally 
under the management of two Uncles by the Mother’s 
side. These luckily were no friends to the expelled 
Peter and his Usurpations. And as they were more in¬ 
tent upon securing their own influence and authority 
in the Steward’s Office, and on the Manor in general, 
than anxious about the Economy of Madam Bull’s 

x2 




156 


Book 4 . ch. 8. Houshold, or the speculative opinions of Kirkcraff, 
the tyrannical authority, arbitrary dogmas, and absurd 
practises imposed by the late Harry in these matters 
-were much abated; and the Folk on the Manor found 
themselves more at liberty to use their Understandings, 
and exercise their Reason, than they had ever been ac¬ 
customed to. And as such extraordinary changes, and 
such bold violations of what had so long been held sa¬ 
cred, astonished and aroused the mind, the Folk began 
to think. And though for a while, especially during 
the life of Harry, they found it convenient to keep 
their thoughts much to themselves, yet the Mind had 
broken its fetters ; and though it was not able at one 
Under it the effort to hurst open its prison doors, it could not much 
make Fa ™e!it l° n g er confined. Light had been let in, the embers 

advances in 0 f Truth and Freedom had been stirred, and were 

Knowledge 7 

and Freedom kindling; and soon after they blazed forth with a flame, 
ot thought, 7 

whose light and heat diffused themselves over this and 
many neighbouring Manors, and have never since been 
quenched. 

When light is once let in, and the Mind unfettered 
from prejudice, Reason and Common Sense are for the 
most part sufficiently clear-sighted to find their way in 
the essential concerns of life and Practice. Accordingly, 
during the short Stewardship of this Ned, the Bull 
Family made great though silent advances in the prac¬ 
tical knowledge of whatever concerned their Ri^fits 

* 

' and Privileges as Men, and as Denizens of their own 
Manor, as well as in Science and Theological Specu- 

tion; on which at this time all the World were parti* 
cularly intent. 

/ 


i 


157 


Chap. IX. 

Book 4. ch. 9 . 

Contents.— Some further Strictures on the Character, Policy, and Prac¬ 
tices of Peter—his Craft in keeping the Will or Testament of the Great 
Lord Paramount shut up in an unknown tongue—This, now translated 
into the Dialect of the Manor of Albion, diffuses great light and im¬ 
provement among the Folk on the Manor. 

f .f .* » .* A 

As we have had such frequent occasion to mention 
Peter and his Practices, and are now about to get rid of 
him from the Bull Manor and Family for ever, it may 
not be amiss before we part, to take a little more parti- A few parting 

1 _ 1 strictures on 

cular notice of his Character, and Policy not only on the charac- 

tpr and 

the Manor of Albion, but whereever his influence ex- licy of Peter 
tended. Peter, as stated above, first got footing on 
the Manor of Albion by the permission of John Bull 
and his Steward, for the purpose of introducing some 
Scholarship and Manners, as also some Kirkcraft Insti¬ 
tutions into the Family : of all which they stood much 
in need. But Peter, always a selfish designing Knave, 
taking advantage of the ignorance and credulity of the 
Folk in general, instead of enlarging their knowledge, 
only endeavoured to impress upon them certain cabal- 
istical Notions, and Artificial Dogmas; a kind of 
Quackery of his own invention, more absurd and con¬ 
temptible than mere simple Ignorance. And instead 
of a pious and venerable Theologism, taught, and ha¬ 
bituated them to a kind of Deisdemonism, more ridicu¬ 
lous and absurd than was ever professed, or practised, 
by the most rude and barbarous people in the world. 

But the most important, and most zealously en¬ 
forced, of all Peter’s Nostrum’s, was, the necessity of 
a Firm Belief that he himself was an Infallible Guide in 
all cases—that he could give a Dispensation from all 


158 


Hook 4. ch. 9. the Laws of God and Man—that he could give any 
man a pardon, not only for all the wickedness and 
crimes he had ever committed, but for all that he ever 
should, or could, commit; and that nothing more was 
tiecessary to secure his entrance into heaven than such 
a Pardon or Pasport, under the hand of Peter or any 
one commissioned by him. And such pardons were 
actually sold every day to whoever chose to purchase 
them. What a gainful Trade Peter must raise from 
this one Article, amidst the ignorance which he culti¬ 
vated, and the implicit faith which he enjoined, may 
be easily conjectured. Peter’s great aim was to make 
men mere tools in his hands and the hands of his Emi* 
fcaries; and that Men should be with respect to them, 
what Beasts of Service are with respect to men; and 
that their lives and Goods should be equally at his dis¬ 
posal. And though in the concerns of Life and Goods, 
lie has not been completely successful; yet as to all in¬ 
terference of Reason and Common Sense in Matters of 
Religion and Moral Practice his success had been 
almost complete. 

But now, Peter having been expelled from the 
Manor of Albion, and his Quackery exposed, the Bull 
Family and the Folk on the Manor in general made 
surprising progress in freedom of thought, improve¬ 
ment of manners, and vigour of character. 

What greatly contributed to this emancipation of 
mind, and general improvement, was, the Publication 
at this time, in the common dialect of the Manor, of the 
Will or Testament of the Great Lord Paramount of the 
boundless Regions of Paspasapan, containing a System 
of the most excellent Maxims, Examples, Laws, and 


159 


Testament of 
the Great 
Lord Para¬ 
mount of 
Paspasapan. 
which Peter 
had kept 
locked up in 
an iron chest 
in an un¬ 
known 
tongue, be¬ 
ing published 
in the dialect 
of the Ma¬ 
nor, produ¬ 
ces Great 
and Good 
Effects. 


Institutions, for the regulation of life and practice that Book 4. ch. f, 
ever was devised. This Will or Testament was pro- The Will or 
fessedly the foundation of all the Laws and Institutions, 
and the indisputable Standard and Rule of Opinions 
and Manners, not only on the Manor of Albion, but on 
all the neighbouring Manors of the whole country 
round ; though in fact, nothing can be more contrary 
to its Spirit and Design in most instances, than both 
their Institutions and Practice. 

But as Peter had assumed to himself the whole 
Right of regulating opinions, manners, and practice, 
through the same extent of Country ; and indeed pre¬ 
tended to be the sole and absolute Representative and 
Vicegerent of the Lord Paramount, and the immediate 
Substitute of his Only Son, whom he had solemnly de¬ 
clared alone his Representative and Heir,—he claimed 
to himself, aB sole executor, the keeping, with the abso¬ 
lute and indisputed Interpretation, of this Will. But 
ns his own conduct and practices, as well as what he 
prescribed to others, were in general glaringly inconsis¬ 
tent with it, the contradiction would have been too 
plain and palpable even to the most simple and igno¬ 
rant, with this Will and Testament in their hands. 

Peter therefore pretended, that as Sole Executor 
and Depositary of the Will, all the laws, regulations, 
and customs prescribed in it were left wholely to his 
Interpretation, and Authority ; and that nothing could 
be more dangerous than for men to use their own rea¬ 
son and understanding on such subjects. Which, as 
lie represented them, were often the direct contrary to 
common sense and sound reason. He therefore kept 
the Will locked up in au iron chest, and written, in a 






160 

Book 4. ch. 9. language wliolely unknown to those in general for 
whom it was intended : and only understood by a few 
of the initiated. But now knowledge had begun to 
dawn ; and even some of the initiated, either from con¬ 
viction and detestation of the roguery, or from emula¬ 
tion and jealousy among themselves, began to blab, 
and to expose the Imposture ; so that it was impossible 
to keep the Contents of the Will a secret any longer. 

This Will being, then, as w r e have said, at this 
time published in the Albion Dialect, and also in the 
different Dialects of some of the surrounding Manors, 
such light and knowledge in the general concerns of all 
the Inhabitants of the Great Island of Sublunaria, on 
which we live, was let in, as aroused a Spirit of Free¬ 
dom and Enquiry, which all the arts and efforts of 
Peter and his Emisaries have never been able to sup¬ 
press.* Indeed from this period, on the whole of the 
Albion and some neighbouring Manors the authority 
of Peter has been entirely at an end, and himself and 
all his abettors expelled under the severest penalties. 

What gave the most general satisfaction to the 
whole Country, and excited universal indignation 
against Peter, was,—that when this Will or Testament, 
which had been represented as so mysterious, so dange¬ 
rous and unfit for the hands of common folk, came to 
be known ; it was found to be the most plain, simple, 

* Perhaps the present state of the Manors of Iberia and Green Erin 
may he adduced as exceptions to this assertion. And it is surely a singular 
Phenomenon in Nature,—that though more noble, generous, and exalted 
spirits,than may be found on either of these Manors, can no where be traced: 
yet the rest of the species seem scarce more eageriy to aspire at knowledge, 
freedom, and dignity; than these at ignorance, slavery, and debasement 
of Character and Intellect, and to exhibit themselves the devoted tools of 
Peter: such is the mind-blasting, the man-debasing effect of this pernicious 
quackery. 



161 


and practicable, that could be imagined; consisting Bj 0 k 4, ch.g, 
chiefly of most excellent rules, precepts, admonitions, 
and examples, for the conduct of life and manners— 
with innumerable instances of the miserable effects of 
vice and neglect of Religion, and the happy effects of 
Piety and good morals on all the interests of Men. In 
short, nothing could exceed its simplicity and plain¬ 
ness, but its excellent design, and beneficent tendency. 

It contains indeed 

•-id quod 

j£que pauperibus prodest, locupletibus Deque ; 
iEque neglectum pueris senibusque nocebit. 

That which, duly regarded, may equally profit the rich and 
the poor ; and the neglect of which, must be equally hurt¬ 
ful to the young and to the old. 

Some mysterious matters are indeed intimated in 

this Will. But upon these the practical part nowise 

depends; nor are they required to be understood, or 

received, further than they are supported by evident 

and indisputable facts. Indeed these mysterious Points 

may rather be said to be merely intimated, than any In this Win 
.. • . * .. Mysteries on- 

belietor opinion concerning them required or enjoined. i y accident- 

In that part of the Will supposed to be immediately to—its* main 
dictated by the Testator himself, I think there is not anj C prac°tice. 
one point of opinion or belief*directly enjoined or re¬ 
quired ; except the reception of the only Son as vice¬ 
gerent in all the regions of his Dominions. These 
mysterious points indeed principally concern the person 
and character of the Great Lord Paramount and this 
his only Son, and sole Representative ; together with 
their Councils and Designs in the Economy and Govern¬ 
ment of their whole Dominions; the greater part of 
which, with the Seat of the Government, lie entirely 
beyond the Knowledge of the inhabitants of these Re* 

V 



162 


Book i. ch. 9. gions. Of ail these subjects, tlierefore, the Inhabitants 
of this Island of Sublunaria can have but very limited 
and imperfect notions and conceptions ; and it is a ne¬ 
cessary consequence, that to them many tilings concern¬ 
ing such subjects must appear wonderful, mysterious, 
and incomprehensible.—When the Traveller told the 
v Prince who lived under the direct rays of the Sun, that 
in his country water sometimes became solid, and might 


be walked upon,—the Prince told him that lie had long 
suspected him of telling falsehoods, but now he knew 
lie lied. And the Prince was no doubt excusable ; for 
lie thought he knew water as well as the Traveller. 
Yet where the Traveller had been, the incredible Fact 
was neither false, nor mysterious. 

Besides, this Will is written in a highly figurative 


stile, such being peculiar to that part of the Country in 
M bricated out which it was drawn up; and many of the pretended 
rative° Lan- Mysteries and difficulties arise entirely out of the figura- 


auage of the 
Will.—Upon 
which Peter 
had built a 
thousand ri¬ 
diculous ab- 


tive language. 

From all these, Peter and his Coadjutors have in¬ 
deed furnished out a strange medley of ludicrous mum- 


surdities. meries, absurd opinions, and incomprehensible dogmas; 


and this farrago he will insist on cramming' down the 


throats of all who come within his reach. And were 
this the worst, the whole might be laughed at, or passed 
over in contempt. But upon these ludicrous and in¬ 
comprehensible Absurdities Peter and his imitators have 
ingrafted very serious and important Practices. For 
though those mysterious points pf which we are speak¬ 
ing are but occasionally and transiently alluded to in 
the Will, Peter and his followers have made them the 
Essentials of the whole \ without the reception of which, 













163 


rn) person, whatever his other pretensions may be, can Book 4. eh. 9 . 
be permitted to partake of the benefits of the Will; or 
even to Live in the society who pretend to have adopt¬ 
ed its Rules. And on some Manors where the autho¬ 
rity and Influence of Peter are supreme, the unques¬ 
tioned Reception of these Dogmas, the ready swallow- 

. -1 /»,! . -r, . , .. .. ^.The Reception 

mg down or this farrago, is made the very criterion 01 of which was 

who may Live, and who must Die. And thousands *of who might 

have been burnt alive—for that is the merciful mode of wh ° 

punishment that Peter has adopted—for being only 

suspected to doubt, what no man in his right senses ever 

* 

did believe, or ever can believe.—For instance— 

The Great Representative and Vicegerent of the 
Lord Paramount, one night at supper with some chosen 
Friends, having in a very particular and impressive 
manner, under the consciousness that it was the last 
time he should eat and drink with them, in breaking 
and presenting bread to them—certainly somewhat mys¬ 
tically, and in that figurative stile peculiar to the Coun¬ 
try—announced it as his body,—or, as representing his 
Body to be broken for them,—alluding to a violent 
Death, he was about to suffer on their behalf—from this 
figurative Expression Peter has determined that not 
only the Bread used on this occasion, but all bread since 
used in commemoration of it,—after one of the initiated 
has pronounced certain words over it,—is really Flesh, 
and the very body of the said Representative, And 
Peter has not only consigned to eternal damnation all 
who dare to doubt this, but has actually committed to 
the Flames thousands for confessing that they could not 
believe it. It is to no purpose to appeal to Ills or their 
senses for the Bread standing before them ;—it is suffi- 


164 


Book 4. ch. 9. cient, that Peter lias said it is Flesh, and that they are 
all eternally damned who dare to doubt or deny it. 

Upon these and a thousand other unknown and 
unknowable points,—such as the Personal Properties 
of the Lord Paramount and his only Son and Vicege¬ 
rent, their Characters, and the Relation they bear to 
one another, their deepest Counsels and most secret de¬ 
signs,—Peter and those who have followed his steps, 
have erected a system of Dogmata and Credenda, per¬ 
fectly beyond all human comprehension, and beside 
all human uses and purposes ; nay even the future 
Destinations and most mysterious Conceptions, of these 
illustrious Personages, the very Frame and Constitution 
ft positivene?s 0 ^ their Minds and Wills* are all exactly determined 
and pecuiia-by these irrefragable Doctors. And upon all these 

my°sticai heSe P°* n * s they alfect to prescribe with a positiveness, and 
pointy that pronounce with a precision and particularity, that 
surd and ri- would be ridiculous even in talking of their most inti¬ 
mate and familiar acquaintances.—Yet these Illustrious 
Sovereigns hold their Residence in, and Rule over, Re¬ 
gions altogether beyond the knowledge or discovery of 
the Inhabitants of Sublunaria ; and which were never 
visited by one from that Country, who ever returned 
to report concerning them. 

And all these Incomprehensibilities have not only 
been talked of and disputed upon, as matter of specu¬ 
lation and opinion, but prescribed by Peter and others 
as absolutely to be receiyed, and believed, by all, un¬ 
der pain of Death here, and Eternal Damnation here¬ 
after. 


* The Monothelite Controversy.—Pret. Com. 


1 

















165 


Yet these Points in general are just of as little im- Book 4 c 

portance to all practical ends and purposes, as whether 

\ 

lie who is to eat an egg break it at the great or the small 
end; and as incapable of being decided by Sublunari- 
ans, as what is the stature of Men in the Moon. But 
to resume our more immediate subject. 

By the Publication of this Will in the language of 
the Manor, and by the natural shrewdness and freedom 
of thinking habitual to John Bull's Family, Peter’s arts 
were now all clearly detected, and his Character and 
Designs so thoroughly seen through, and detested, that 
lie could never after obtain any permanent footing on 
the Manor of Albion. It is true a bold and desperate 
attempt to restore his Authority was made in the ensu¬ 
ing Stewardship of the wretched Moll, Ned's sister* 

But happily that Stewardship, as it was the worst, was 
also the shortest, on the Records of the Manor; and the 
attempt not only proved abortive; but by the horror it 
struck stands one of the strongest securites against Pe¬ 
ter’s ever again obtaining a footing on the Manor. 





166 


Book 4. ch. io. Chap. N. 

Contents. —The Stewardship of Moll the Atrocious—Moll recalls Peter, 
and attempts to establish all his influence and Authority, to effect 
which, the most shocking cruelties are practised—and numbers of the 
most pious and venerable persons on the Manor daily burnt alive 
to enforce it—The Death of the wretched Moll soon puts an end to 
these atrocities. 

« 

We have already mentioned that the Stewardship of 
The steward the Manor of Albion is hereditary, and that to prevent 
the Anocimls disorder and disputes, Females as well as Males were 
capable of inheriting it; and as it is always executed 
principally by Clerks and Agents, this occasioned no 
inconveniency. For however disgraceful this Steward¬ 
ship of the wretched Molly may be thought, the Office 
has never been exercised with more vigour in the Stew- 
ardship, or more honour and advantage to the Family, 
than under some Female Occupants. 

The late Ned having died young, and left no Heir 
of his body, was succeeded by his Eldest Sister Moll. 
This Damsel, the Daughter of Harry’s first divorced 
Wife, had unfortunately been by her mother brought 
up in the most bigotted attachment to Peter, and the 
most absolute resignation to all his presumptuous, ab¬ 
surd, and pernicious pretensions: all which she incon¬ 
tinent undertook to restore, and establish again on the 
Albion Manor. The two Harries, her father and grand¬ 
father, had stretched the Pretensions and Authority of 
the Stewardship to the highest pitch, and far beyond 
its legitimate Claims; and it still retained something of 
that tension and vigour they had given it. John Bull 
also had not yet assumed all that consciousness of his 




i 



* * 




) 


167 - 

own Right and Power which naturally belonged to him; Book 4.ch. 10 . 
and which he has since asserted, and established upon 
such firm foundations, that the boldest Steward dare 
not openly attack them ; however successful they may 
have been in secretly undermining them. 

From these favouring circumstances, Moll pro¬ 
ceeded with considerable success in her design. Peter ^ti/aifhte 
was recalled with all his Train; and incited even be- Trau1 ’ 
yond his own forwardness to assume all his former In¬ 
fluence and Power; and in the Steward’s Household 
and Office this was immediately done. But in John 
Bull’s Mother’s House this could not be so easily ef¬ 
fected. Some grave, pious, and truly respectable per¬ 
sons had, under the late Stewards, got the principal 
management of that venerable Lady’s Affairs into their 
hands; and as their Characters stood high with the 
Folk on the Manor, it might have been thought dan¬ 
gerous to meddle with them. But Moll, of weak judg¬ 
ment but impetuous zeal, was determined to stop at 
nothing ; and believing that the sacrificing these ve¬ 
nerable persons would strike a terror into the rest, she 
caused under the sanction of Peter and his Agents, 
great numbers of them to be burnt alive in the public 
Market-place. But these shocking exhibitions had an 
effect directly contrary to what was intended. For the 
constancy and firmness they shewed amidst the Flames, 
in protesting against Peter and all his atrocious Prac¬ 
tices, instead of inspiring terror, only excited indigna¬ 
tion and resentment, and confirmed all persons in an 
invincible detestation of Peter and all that was con- 


168 


Book 4. ch. 10 . necled with so horrible a system as Peterkinism,—So 
this system came now to be called. 

The scenes exhibited at this time were truly shock- 

Themostshock- ing; for daily in the streets and high-way might be 

Cruelty'^ex- seen the Fires blazing, and the best and most pious and 

force 6 the re- innocent persons on the Manor broiling alive in them. 

Peter and h!s ^or Moll, beside that contempt for the lives of the 

now detected people habitual to the Stewardical Character, had so 
Impostures. 1 ‘ ' 

entirely resigned both her understanding, and con¬ 
science, and even her Humanity, to Peter and his 
Emissaries, that she was fully satisfied that whatever 
they approved or commanded must be pious and good. 
And as to Peter himself and his Initiated Abettors, they 
had so long entirely discarded every principle of 
Nature, and Humanity, that such scenes were perfectly 
familiar and indifferent to them. 

But happily these scenes were but of short conti¬ 
nuance, and the unlamented death of this wretched 
^Stewardess soon put an end to these horrours, to the 
universal satisfaction of John Bull’s Family and all 
who lived on the Manor* 



169 


Chap. N.I. Book4.ch.u. 

C ontents. —The Stewardship of Maiden Bess.—Moll succeeded by her 
sister Bess—a most excellent Stewardess—turns Peter and all his 
Pack once more out of doors—This Stewardship, though in the whole 
prosperous and happy, not altogether free from Alarm and danger— 

Lord Strut’s Invincible Enterprize with its disastrous Catastrophe— 

Bess succeeded in the Stewardship by her Kinsman Jem Steward of 
the Caledonian Manor, whose mother, through jealousy both of her 
personal charms, and of her Pretensions to the Albion Stewardship 
Bess had caused to be put to death—This the great Stain of Bess’s 
Character and Stewardship. 


Moll having died without Issue her younger sister 

Bess succeeded her. Who being known to have a Tf l c prosperous 

~ Stewardship 

determined, and by the mother’s side hereditary, hatred of Maiden 

t» J J ? Bess. 

to Peter and his practices, had been by her sister kept 
shut up in an Old Castle, and was indeed in great dan¬ 
ger of being added to the number of the victims of her 
relentless zeal. 

r 

This Bess made a most excellent Stewardess. Car¬ 
ried Matters indeed with a sufficiently higli hand; but 
with such constant attention to the good condition and 
security of the Manor, and the quiet and prosperity of 
all who lived upon it, that at no period has John Bull’s 
affairs been better managed, or his Family enjoyed more 
contentment and happiness, than under her long Stew¬ 
ardship. 

No sooner was Bess settled in the Office, than 
Peter and all his Train were once riiore sent a packing, peter once 
never to return. This, indeed, was no difficult task to ac- jacking with 
complish; for so great and general was the honour and “ ll h,s 1 iai “* 
detestation excited by the scenes that had been exhibited 
in Moll’s time, that their expulsion was universally ac¬ 
ceptable, and every where aided and urged by the 
hatred and indignation of almost every person on the 






1/0 


Book 4. ch. li Manor. Thus did Moll with all her zeal for Peter- 
kenism contribute more to its expulsion, and entire ex¬ 
tinction on the Manor of Albion, than even Bess and 
all its professed opposers have ever done. 

During this Stewardship the Bull Family enjoying 
peace and security, with a considerable degree of free¬ 
dom of thought and enquiry, made great, though silent, 
advances in knowledge and Manners; and especially 
in the knowledge of the true principles of the Steward¬ 
ship, and the just relation between Steward Landlord 
and Tenant. And though under the present vigorous, 
frugal, and well-conducted Stewardship, there was no 
temptation to desire or attempt any material alteration; 
yet were those principles fast advancing, which soon 
after produced such great and important Effects. 

Bess was a gay gallant strapping Lass; and though 
no beauty, had a sufficiently good opinion of her own 
Person to be pleased with exhibiting it in Public, by 
frequent excursions through the Manor : where he r 
open and debonair countenance, affable manners, and 
courteous address, engaged all hearts and all tongues 
in her favour. And so far was she from catching at 
every pretence to extort Money from the Family and 
Tenants on the Manor, as the present practice is, that 
if on any real occasion she had got, or engaged, more 
than was necessary, instead of lavishing it on rapacious 
Clerks, Scriveners, and the Hangers-on of her office ; 
or in corrupting and debauching Mrs. Bull’s Hous- 
liold, she would candidly and honourably restore it to 
them again : adding, that she considered their Money 
as safe for her service, if she wanted it, in their pockets 
as in her own. Not but that she kept Mrs. Bull’s 











171 


Houshold Office in sufficient subjection; though they Book 4. eh. l 
were far from exhibiting that slavish, fawning, syco¬ 
phant servility, into which they are now fallen. 

Blit though this Stewardship was distinguished for 
frugality, prosperity, and good order ; yet did not the 
Family and Manor altogether escape threatening, and 
danger, during its continuance. Especially, that in¬ 
corrigible Ro gue Peter was incessantly exciting all the 
neighbours to trespass upon, and waste the Manor. 

And even, according to his usual presumption, pre¬ 
tended to give it away to whoever chose to take pos¬ 
session of it. But this, in Bess’s hands, was a matter 
that few chose to meddle with. 

Phillip Lord Strut, Steward of the Manor of Iberia, 
however, having been married to Moll the former 
Stewardess, first pretended to court Bess. But Bess 
would have nothing to say to him. He then set up his 
own pretension to the Manor, on the footing of a Right 
conferred by Peter; and having prepared an immense 
band of Lawyers Bailiffs and Banditti, he resolved to 
take forcible Possession; for which purpose he sent this 
band of Ruffians before him to gain an Entry, and 
make a Footing for him on the Manor, against his ar¬ 
rival. We have already mentioned the insulated Situ¬ 
ation of the Manor of Albion, and that it could only be 
approached from abroad by water. In this way then 
Phill prepared to make his Entry, and that with such 
parade, and assurance of Success, under the counte¬ 
nance and encouragement of Peter, who had Blessed 
the whole Apparatus, and Stiled it the Invincible 
Enterprise,—that Phill considered Bess and Bull and 
all their Possessions as already at his disposal. 

z 2 


* 


Book 4. tli. 11. 


Lore! Strut’s In¬ 
vincible En¬ 
terprise, with 
its disastrous 
Issue. 

9 


Of all people in the world John Bull’s Family are 
the most expert, undaunted, and daring in all Water 
Warfare ; and they were fully prepared to meet Phill’s 
Lawyers ; not one man of whom was ever able to set 
a foot on the Manor. No sooner did they approach 
than Bess’s People set upon them witli such dexterity 
and resolution that some of their Barks were Sunk, 
others upset, and the poor Iberians might be seen 
sprawling about like drowning Puppies; many of 
whom were actually drowned, and others taken up 
out of pity, and afterwards sent home to their Master 
to congratulate him on the glory and success of his 
Invincible Enterprise. But a great number of Phillip’s 
Water-craft still remained, and kept hovering at a 
distance in hopes of being able on some dark night to 
land undiscovered; and such a dark night they soon 
found to tbeir cost ; for one blowing stormy night, as 
they all lay at their Anchors on the opposite Frank- 
land strand, and thought themselves perfectly secure, 
the Bull People,—having filled a number of old hulks 
with pitch, tar, tow, dry wood, and every thing that 
would most effectually take, or retain fire, beside a 
hundred barrels of Gunpowder; and having in the day 
marked the place where the Iberians lay, in the night 
got between them and the wind, and approaching them 
silently and unseen, turned loose those hulks before the 


raging storm with trains already lighted, which driven 
into the midst of them, burst forth with such sudden 
and terrible flames and fury, that it seemed as if all 
Hell was broken loose upon them. Numbers of then\ 
were instantly on fire, and blown to atoms with resist¬ 
less destruction, others cut from their anchors, carrying 











173 


the flames with them, drove against, and grappled with Book i ch.a. 
those which were escaping. The whole presented such a 
scene of honour and destruction, as seen from the Al¬ 
bion Shore, by the light the flames afforded, almost 
moved regret even in those who had kindled them. 

Thus ended Lord Strut’s Irresistible Enterprise • 

And of more than five hundred sail of Water-craft of all 
kinds, scarce one returned to carry him the News of 
their Success. Phill, who was a person of great Sang¬ 
froid, having kept himself out of harm’s reach, shrugged 
up his shoulders, called Bess a Termagant, John Bull 
a Miscreant, * and the Manor of Albion a Bauble not 
Worthy his regret; and professed great thankfulness 
for the whole state of things. 

This Bess w r as the*last immediate descendant of the 
Godgift Race of Stewards; and it was doubtful how 
the Office would be disposed of at her decease. The 
nearestdirect Claimant was Yagob Higli Steward of the 
Caledonian Manor. But both the two Stewards and 
the two Manors had frequently been at great variance; Bess guilty of 

an inexpia- 

and there were doubts w hether attempts w r ould not be bie outrage 
made to alter the Succession. Bess had indeed been go b her ap- 
guilty of what might be thought an inexpiable Insult {^ssor* SU in 
and Outrage toward Yagob, in causing his Mother Mother to be 
•Molly,—who on some quarrel with the Folk of the p u *- t0 death, 
Caledonian Manor, had retired to the Manor of Albion, 
afid put herself under Bess’s protection,—to be put to 
death. This is indeed the great stain and reproach of 


* Miscreant—This Word is probably to be understood here in its 
strict and Etymological sense—a Misbeliever,—as nothing in Phill’s con¬ 
ception could be more execrable than one who did not believe in all 
the Mummery of Peterkinism w ith the same implicit faith which he hies 
s?lf professed, and exhibited. 


/ 


/ 




174 


I 


Cook 4. ch. xi. Bess’s Character and Stewardship ; but which, as it 
has been abundantly discussed by others, I shall enter 
no farther upon here. 

Luckily for Yagob, though his vanity and ambition 
were sufficiently high, and his estimation of the power 
and importance of the Stewardical Office and Cha¬ 
racter almost boundless ; yet his pride and spirit were 
of a moderate pitch, and all his other passions of an 
easy and tractable nature. It was however impossible 
such an outrage, as Putting his Mother to Death, 
should not excite both indignation, and desire of Re¬ 
venge : and Yagob at first talked in a very high strain, 
and threatened to excite heaven and earth in his ven¬ 
geance. But alas ! like the Nightingale in the claws of 
the Kite, he found himself in the hand of one much his 
superior in all force and means. But Bess, being sensi¬ 
ble she had done an atrocious and unjustifiable Action, 
was willing to make every possible apology. She 
wrote Yagob a soothing and exculpatory Letter, pre¬ 
tending the thing had been done by the precipitancy 
of her Clerks and Servants in the Office without her 
knowledge, or design to carry it to such an extreme. 
Nay she even affected the most excessive grief for the 
event, put on mourning, and punished her servants in 
every way short of Death ; though they had done no¬ 
thing but what was most acceptable to her, and most 
desired by her. For with respect to this affair, be¬ 
side the pretence of public danger, and of exciting 
troubles on the Manor, and Factions in the Bull fa¬ 
mily, imputed to Molly, there was much of female jea¬ 
lousy and personal Rivalry in the case : for Bess however 
pleased with her own person, and fond of admiration, 



175 


was no Beauty, and knew she could stand innocompe- Book4.ch. 11 . 
tition with Moll for personal charms; who was universally 
admired, and allowed to be the greatest Beauty in all 
the country round; and owed her hapless Fate per¬ 
haps as much to her Fair Face as to her Foul Faults. 

Yagob’s Passions were, as we have said, of a tract¬ 
able nature, and Bess having followed up her excul¬ 
patory Letter, by a special Messenger and some valua¬ 
ble presents, beside some hints about the succession, he 
soon felt disposed to suffer himself to be soothed. He 
considered further, that Bess was growing old while he 
himself was but just out of his boyish years, and was 
her immediate Heir, and by provoking her he might 
endanger his succession to the Albion Stewardship. ,2 

In short, Yagob’s resentment began to subside wonder¬ 
fully soon. And Bess, beside perhaps some disposi¬ 
tion to atone for the injury she had done, had at this 
time another powerful and selfish motive for earnestly 
endeavouring to sooth Yagob’s Resentment. This Affair 
happened just before Lord Strut’s attempt upon the 
Manor of Albion, and had Yagob then retained his 
purpose of revenge, and joined Lord Strut, he might 
have done her a shrewd mischief, and even have en¬ 
dangered the Safety of the Manor. 

From these causes and considerations on both 

sides, resentments soon subsided ; and for some time 

before Bess’s decease, both the two Stewards and the The above out _ 

two Families had been on a tolerable footing of friend- Jonciifated. 51 

ship. And thougli Bess in her life time could never Su« e edsqm- 

bear the thought of a partner in her Power even in a Albion stew- 

. ardship. 

husband, nor so much as to hear the mention of a Suc¬ 
cessor ; yet finding her End unavoidably approaching, 


i 




176 

Book i. ch. 12. she named her kinsman. Yagob as the person she would 
wish to succeed her. This nomination being strictly 
conformable to the established order ol succession, and 
perfectly agreeable to the wishes of the Bull Family* 
the Event took place without the least opposition or 
trouble. This Event, however, was soon followed by 
a great change both in the spirit and vigour of the 
Stewardship, and in the Disposition and Character of 
the Possessors and Cultivators of the Manor, 


Chap. XII. 

Contexts. —A Digression—to account for the high strain of authority 
with which the Stewardship had been exercised under the Godgift Line; 
to which some ignorantly, or perfidiously, affect to appeal as the genuine 
Character and Authority of the Stewardship—The causes of this high 
strain of Authority.—1st. The depressed state of the Bull Family 
through long internal discord previous to the Accession of the God- 
gfft Line. 2d. The great vigour and capacity of the Stewards of 
that Line. 3d. That the Pressure of their Authority reached com¬ 
paratively, only to a few—That Fiscal Rapacity which now affects 
every individual on the Manor being then unknown. 

I } 5* - * • ^ 

It may not be amiss to pause a little here, and make 
A Digression fo some observations upon the last five Stewardships, in 
the high strain which the Power and Pretensions of the Office had been 
with Ut w°hich screwed up far beyond its original and natural Claims, 
•sh^was^x- and to a pitch scarce exceeded by Guillam De Nor- 
^he SC Godgift wor ld himself—And though the Compiler of these Me- 
Lme. moirs has allowed himself to be carried along with his 


\ 
















I 


177 


Subject, and may seem to have written of the arbitrary Bjok 4. ch. 12. 
usurpations of the respective Stewards with as much 
patience and acquiescence as John Bull lived under 
them; yet must he beg leave to put in a caveat against 
being thought either to approve, or palliate, such gross 
and palpable abuses; such violent and unjust en¬ 
croachments of the Steward upon the Rights of the 
Proprietor, or the Freedom and Privileges of the 
Denizens and Cultivators of the Manor. 

In speaking of Harry the Grandfather of the three 
last occupiers of the Stewardship, and the Root of the 
Godgift Family, we in some measure accounted for the 
patience and quietness with which the Bull Family 
suffered the yoke to be silently wreathed upon their 
Necks. But the subject may deserve a more particu¬ 
lar discussion; especially, as those who still favour the 
high pretensions of the Steward, and are for reducing 
John Bull and his Family to a mere Property, are apt 
to appeal to this Period. 

It is well known, that even to this day, there are 
some of John Bull’s Family so ignorant ot the true Digression ^ 
Economy of the Manor, and Principles of the Steward¬ 
ship, and so debased and degenerate in Spirit and Cha¬ 
racter, as to hold the opinion, and to glory in it,—that 
the Steward does not belong to John Bull; but that 
John Bull, his Family, his Manor, and all that he has, 
belong to the Steward.—Or, in other words, That 
the Steward and Stewardship are not appendages to the 
Establishment of John Bull, tor the better Management 
and Good Order of his Manor and Family ; but that 
John Bull, his Family, and his Manor, are mere ap¬ 
pendages to the Establishment of the Steward ; iu- 

A A 



178 


Book 4 . ch. 12. tended wholely for bis personal conycnicncy and splen¬ 
dour ; and that the whole Economy of the Stewardship 
Absurd con- an( j Manor is to be referred solely to this End.—And 
the steward- even at this day, these are, though not the professed, 
tertained byyet the clear and decided Principles of the Steward’s 
Bull Family.Office. And no one who does not thoroughly comply 
with them in practice, can be permitted long to retain 
any place in that Office, or any appointment dependant 
upon the Stewardship. Of this the Family have had 
sufficient experience in the course even of the present 
so happy and prosperous Stewardship—For Instance- 
On a particular occasion, one of the most able, honest, 
And strenuous- and faithful, of the Steward’s special advisers, having, 
by the stew- in the custom of the Family, given for a Toast —as 

ard’s Offire 

they call it,— John Bull Master of his own Manor *— 
when this came to the Steward’s ears, it is said, he or¬ 
dered the Register of Special Advisers to be brought to 
him, and with his own hand struck the obnoxious Name 
out of the List. This, if a Fact, needs no comment—* 
And if otherwise;—the eagerness of the Tools of the 
Office to publish it vauntingly over the whole Manor, 
shews plainly what are the principles approved there.— 
Now these, and all who maintain such absurd and per¬ 
nicious opinions as have been mentioned, are apt to 
pretend to sanction their abject debasing and pernicious 
principles, by referring to the Period we have just dis¬ 
cussed . 

But beside, that at the commencement of this pe¬ 
riod the Spirit of the Family was quite broken and de¬ 
pressed by its disasters, and the devastation of the 
Estate during the long contest of the Longcampstrists 

* The Sovereignty of the People—by Mr. F— x. —Pret. Cora. 














179 


and Eorkists,—there were circumstances both in the Book 4 . ch. 12 
personal characters of the Stewards, and in the 
Exercise of the Stewardship at that time, which 
tended to qualify its arbitrary Spirit; and even while 
they favoured the easier introduction of this high strain 
of Authority, prevented its immediate, and most ruin¬ 
ous effects.—-Self-confidence, vigour, and decision, Digression 
strongly characterized all the Stewards of the Godgift t0lU,micd * 
Family, the two Harries and Bess especially. And not 
only did the natural vigour of their Characters enable 
them to carry their high Pretensions into effect on the 
depressed Family; but they did it with that judgement 
and discretion, that it seemed neither greatly to affect, 
nor alarm John Bull and the Folk in general on the 
Manor; to few of whom the immediate effects of their 
measures extended.—Had they and their Agents been 
such drivelling Tools as we have lately seen conduct¬ 
ing the Affairs of the Manor—or had their rapacity 
reached, as it now does, to every one who has a shilling 
to be seized upon;—either the Family must have ar¬ 
rested their course, or destruction must have been more 
swift, though probably less sure and lasting, than that 
under which the Family is now sinking. 

Yet it cannot be supposed, that even the capacity 
and prudence of those Stewards could long have pre¬ 
served the Family from falling into the same abject and 
slavish condition with those of the neighbouring Man¬ 
ors, had not the Tenants and Cultivators of the Estate, 
soon after the period which we have just dismissed, as¬ 
sumed Spirit enough to arrest the encroaching hand of 
the Steward. Had not the whole Family thus aroused 
themselves, and shewed their determined resolution to 
be no longer a Property to the Steward, there can be no 


180 


r»ook i. eli. 12. doubt but John Bull, Lis Family, and Manor, would 
at this time have been in the same condition, that the 
Franks, the Frogs, the Iberians, and the Folk of every 
other Family and Manor on Tcrrafirm now are.—And 
let the Bull Family keep in mind—that they owed this 
Preservation, and their Present State; and ever must owe 
such Preservation, and the Continuance of that State, 
entirely to themselves; not only without any aid, or 
voluntary acquiescence of the Steward’s Office, but in 
defiance of all its arts and efforts to the contrary. 

And let the present Stewardical Family acknow¬ 
ledge—that it is to this very resistance to the Will and 
Designs of the Steward’s Office that they originally 
owed their Possession of the Stewardship ; and at this 
time do owe the Stability of their Station, so different 
from the rivals of their Rank on Tcrrafirm. 

At the commencement of the period we have just 
discussed, the Tenantry on the Estate had been so 
much harrassed and worn out by the long contest be¬ 
ing region tween the Longcampster and Eorkist Faction, that 

they were glad to enjoy a little repose. And while the 
arbitrary and usurping Spirit of the Stewardship ex¬ 
tended but to few, and was principally felt only by 
rich individuals, or particular Establishments, whose 
wealth was worth seizing, it caused no great alarm. 
That effeminate Luxury, that boundless Profusion, 
that all-wasting Extravagance, which now extends the 
Rapacity of the Steward’s Office to every inhabitant of 
the Manor, and demands, and devours in a few hands, 
the whole wealth and substance of the Family, did not 
$hcn exist. W liilst thus the Folk on the Manor in ge¬ 
neral felt little of the encroaching hand of the Steward, 
they were willing to sit quiet. And fatally for the 














181 


Stewards, this quietness encouraged them to proceed ; Book 4 c h. 12. 
and seeming to indulge their encroachments, led them 
on to their own Destruction, and thatofthe Stewardship. 

Yet was not even this period without its influence 
and effect towards evolving the right principles of the 
Stewardship, and ascertaining its subordination to the 
Laws and Customs of the Manor, and the Security and 
Prosperity of the Dwellers upon it. In consequence of 
the expulsion of Peter and his Train, who had so long 
held the people blindfolded, light and freedom of 
thought had silently diffused themselves over the 
Manor. And while the Stewards were feared, flattered, 
and implicitly submitted to, by those about them, a set 
of more generous and exalted Spirits, conscious of the 
Natural Rights of Man, and the legitimate principles 
of Stewardical Authority, had sprung up. And these 
had conceived, and cherished in silence, those princi¬ 
ples of Justice, Freedom, and Reason, which have hi¬ 
therto preserved John Bull, his Family, his Manor, 
and all who live upon it—Have preserved them, in the 
first instance—from that debasement and vassaalge into 
which the Folk on all the Neighbouring Manors are 
fallen—and in the second instance,—from that Ruin 
and Destruction under which they now lie; the natural 
effect and consequence of that Debasement of Spirit 
and Character. 

These principles are, it is true, now detested, re- The perniciou3 
probated, and execrated, by all who have any connec- an^threat- 
tion with the Steward’s Office; and the very suspicion of in &e S pre- 
of them is a sufficient disqualification for any Employ- 
ment, Office, or Trust, dependent on the Stewardship. 

And yet must these principles be revived, and called 
again into action, or John Bull, his Family, the Manor 




182 


♦ 


Book 4 . ch. 12. of Albion with all upon it, and even the Stewardship it¬ 
self, must fall a sacrifice to the want of them. And all 
this, it appears, will be brought about by means and in¬ 
struments the weakest, the most unworthy, seemingly 
the most contemptible, that ever effected such an im¬ 
portant and interesting Event. Indeed it is in the 
seeming contemptibleness of the means, the weaknes and 
insignificancy of the Instruments and Agents, that the 
danger consists; for hence it excites no alarm, creates 
no fear, is not even suspected or guarded against. 
Yet many a noble tree that has stood the storm for ages, 
has been ruined by a single worm, at its core. And it 
is a known fact, that some large Islands have been de¬ 
solated by the most contemptible of all Insects, the 
puny Ant. 

Of this Event the danger is the more threatening 
—that Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office, which exists for 
the express purpose of supporting and protecting the 
Freedom and Rights of the Family, and especially to 
check the too profuse lavishing of the Money of the 
Folk on the Manor; by whom exclusively its members 
ought to be chosen,—that this Houshold Office,—in 
consequence of that commerce of Prostitution carried 
on between it and the Steward’s Agents—is not only 
become the chief instrument to betray those Rights, and 
that Freedom; and has not only lavished the Money 
of the Folk with a profusion and extravagance that 
could by no other means have been effected,—but has 
of late openly professed itself hostile to those principles 
of Freedom and Economy; and has imprisoned, and 
punished, the most faithful and upright of its own 
members, for endeavouring to maintain those Principles, 
and prove his fidelity to those by w hom he is intrusted. 















BOOK V. 


■j | : I ')< • ' ' > ' . • 

Chap. I. 

Contents.— The Stewardship of Yagob the first of the Caledonian Line— 

Succeeds with great acclaim—This Yagob has imbibed high notions of 
the Stewardical Office and Character—but proves feeble in its Exer¬ 
cise.—This Stewardship being entirely free from Quarrels and Law¬ 
suits, the Folk on the Manor make great advances in Wealth, Spirit, 
and freedom of thought, under it. 

On the death of Bess an important event, as we have The steward- 
said, took place, attended with great and lasting conse- uf e firtt 
quences. By her decease the whole descendants of SoffianLuiei 
the Male line of the Godgift Family were extinct, and 
the succession to the Stewardship of course vested in 

V _ 

the oldest branch of the Female Line. Now the eldest 
daughter of Harry, the first of that Family, had been mar¬ 
ried to Yagob the Caledonian Steward, and her Great 
Grandson, of the same name, now held the Stewardship. 

And notwithstanding the frequent quarrels and jealou¬ 
sies that had long subsisted between the Families both 
of Landlords and Stewards,—Bess having named Yagob 




I 


184 

* 

Book 5 . ch. l. as her successor, he acceeded not only without opposi¬ 
tion, but with great and general acclaim, to the Stew- 

Succeeds with ardship of the Albion Manor, 
great Ac- 1 

claim. This Yagob was rather an honest well meaning man, 

but of no great capacity. He had however formed 
very high notions of the Dignity and Importance of 
the Stewardical Office and Character. But though 

Character of lofty in his pretensions, and conception of the Impor- 
and stew-tance and Power of his Station, he was indolent, timid, 
ardship. an( j weak, in the Exercise of it: and in his manners 
and personal Character he was low, mean, and border¬ 
ing on vulgarity; a constant dupe to his prejudices, and 
partialities, often for the most unworthy objects; and 
entirely void of the vigor and decision of his Predeces¬ 
sors of the Godgift Family. 

However this Stewardship, of considerable conti¬ 
nuance, was entirely a period of peace and quietness, 
free from all violent quarrels and Lawsuits, either with 
the Neighbours, or among themselves within the Ma¬ 
nor ; and hence, though far from popular, was perhaps 
the most prosperous and happy for the Cultivators and 
Inhabitants in general, that the Records of the Manor 
present. Especially as it was under it that the Folk 
in general first acquired, and assumed, the conscious¬ 
ness of their own Importance and Rights, and became 
fully sensible of the natural subordination of the Stew¬ 
ardship and Stewardical Character to the Control of the 
Lord, and the Interest and Happiness of the Holders 
and Cultivators of the Manor. 

A certain Steward once asked some people of Busi¬ 
ness how he could best serve and assist them — t( Just 
let us alone —said they. This is perhaps the most de- 












185 


sireable Maxim that could be adapted by Stewards in Book 5 ch.l. 
general. u Eat your Pudding, Sir, and hold your 
Tongue”—is certainly no unreasonable injunction,—• 
especially where the Pudding is so plentifully plummed 
as that which John Bull allows his Steward. As the 
world goes, he is a good Steward who lives within 
his Allowance, hinders no good, and does no great 
harm. And this is indeed the highest praise to which 
Yagob could make any pretensions. And would to God ! 
some, on whom great acclaim has been most prepos¬ 
terously lavished, could fairly pretend to so much. 

But though the Bull Family made greater advance^ 
in Wealth, Wisdom, and Spirit, under this, than under 
any former Stewardship ; yet to this day the Memory 
of neither the Steward nor Stewardship are held in 

much estimation by John Bull or his Family.-The 

truth is the Squire was in his younger days a bold Character of 
rattling dashing Fellow. And though a more mature ardshiy. 
age, and sounder judgment' has somewhat abated his 
fire; yet John still likes a little to be heard of, to live 
with some eclat, and make some Figure in the World. 

And this his Family and Fortune—if not most villain¬ 
ously abused—give him a good right to do. Had his 
Stewards and their Agents been faithful, frugal, and 
wise, he might have challenged a competition with the 
best in the Country, with perfect security both to his 
Fortune and Honour. Both which, for want of these 
qualifications in the Steward’s Office, have often been 
on the very brink of Ruin ; and only saved by the in¬ 
terposition of the Family. 

Thus while Yagob’s indolence and aversion to Quar¬ 
rels and Lawsuits permitted the Folk on the Manor to 

n n 



186 




Book 5. cb. 2. | je q U i e l and easy, and the Expenccs of the Steward¬ 
ship were supplied by moderate contributions from the 
Tenants and Freeholders on the Manor, they found 
themselves perfectly at leisure to cultivate and improve 
those Principles of Freedom, Equity, and Legitimate 
Economy, which become John Bull; now assured that 
his Manor belonged to himself,—and the Family, now 
conscious that the Lands they cultivated were their 
own. These Principles had been planted and taken 
root during some preceding Stewardships, and having 
now grown up in silence and unmarked —occulto velut 
arbor cevo —have since produced the most noble and 
beneficent Fruits. 


Chap. II. 


Contents. —The Stewardship of the first Carlos.—The Bull Family after 
a long and severe Pupilage now arrived at full maturity of Age, 
Vigour, and Understanding—Carlos, with the same high notions of 
Stewardical Importance which his Father professed, affects also a 
great deal of Personal Dignity and Stateliness, and attempts a more 
vigourous and severe Exercise of the Stewardship—regardless of the 
Palaverium, to which alone it belongs to raise contributions on the 
Manor, Carlos under the most cruel punishments extorts money 
whereever he thinks it is to be found—dissolves Mrs. Bull’s Houshold 
Office for remonstrating, and makes no secret of his design to be abso¬ 
lute Master both of the Persons and Property of every one on the 
Manor. 


We are now come to that period when the Bull Fa- 
the l first*Car- m ^y after a long minority, under sometimes a severe 
los> Pupilage, might be said to be arrived at full maturity, 





187 


hot only of age and strength, but also of education and Book 5. ch. 2. 

understanding. And though John had no intention, or 

wish to alter the Stewardship, or to encroach upon the 

legitimate Functions or Appointments of the Steward’s 

Office ; yet being conscious he had a right to enquire John Bull he- 

into the conduct of his Steward in the affairs of the fomV^oSt- 

© 

Manor, and to regulate and prescribe bounds to the conduct ‘of 
Authority, Exercise, and Expence, of the Stewardship, llis Sle " ard - 
he now determined to take upon himself some cogni¬ 
zance of these matters. 

In Yagob’s time symptoms of this disposition had 
manifested themselves, and a little jarring had taken 
place in consequence. But Yagob was now succeeded 
by his only Son Carlos ; who, with the same lofty no¬ 
tions of the importance of his Station and Office that 
his Father had, affected also a great deal of personal 
Dignity and Stateliness. With these ideas on his part, 
and the determination to take cognizance of, and have 
a control over, his own nffidrs, on the part of the Squire, 
it was almost impossible it should be long before they 
came to an issue. 

John Bull’s Family having now, as we have said, 
arrived at a high degree of improvement and know¬ 
ledge, produced a number of persons of great capacity, 
and of a free and independent Spirit. These boldly 
set themselves to vindicate the Rights of their Family, 
and to oppose the high pretensions of the Steward. It 
is the appropriate province of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold 
Office, especially of the Lower Chamber, to regulate the 
Expcnces and Disbursements of the Family and Manor; 
and these distinguished Characters, as peculiarly quali¬ 
fied, generally obtained a situation in that Office : for at 

c b 2 


\ 


I 




188 


Book 5. ch. 2. this time Mrs. Bull’s Houshold were really chosen by flic 
Folk on the Manor; and that intercourse of Prostitution 
between the Steward’s Office and Mrs. Bull’s IIous- 
liokl, so notorious and infamous at this day, was then 
unknown; hence Carlos found his high pretensions 
greatly checked by the freedom, firmness, and abilities, 
of these persons. Though from Guillam Norworld to 
the accession of the Godgift Family, John Bulk has 
made great and successful efforts for the recovery of 
his Rights out of the hands of his usurping Stewards ; 
yet through the influence of antient Custom, and the 
arbitrary Spirit of the Godgift Race, some most un¬ 
just and enormous pretensions and practices had still 
been kept up; and others, which had been most so¬ 
lemnly renounced by the Great Roll and other sane- 
Carlos, instead tions, had been insensibly resumed, and again brought 

of being; dis- t . 1 

posed 10 give into practice. And Carlos seemed much more disposed 

any account, . 

or submit to to set up new Claims, and make further encroachments, 
setsiipedaims than to relinquish any of those of his Predecessors, and 
?iuL bryoi'u* this soon brought matters to extremity between them. 
dcccssorg/ 0 " One of the first subjects upon which the Parties 
began to jar, was, the levying, for the general Expence 
of the Stewardship and Manor, a certain allowance 
proportioned to the Weight and Price, upon all goods 
brought into, or carried out of the Manor, for Sale; 
wvijibiage and hence called Weightage and Price age. This allow¬ 

ance it was customary for the Palaverium, on their 
meeting after the Accession of a new Steward, to grant, 
some times for a limited period, some times for the 
whole of his Stewardship ; but Carlos in his high no¬ 
tions of his Station and Office disdained to ask, or wait 
for this grant; but proceeded to exact, and levy the 


1* viceage. 













189 


Contributions, as of his own Right, and by his own Book 5. ch. 2. 
Authority; a claim which none of his predecessors, 
not even of the Godgift Race, had ever pretended to. 

Another pretence under which Carlos attempted 
to extort money from the Tenants and Holders on the 
Estate, was, that of providing Watercraft, or V essels 
for the defence of the Manor by Water, with which, as 
has been said, it was every where surrounded ; and 
from which it derived many and great advantages, 
both with respect to Trade and Defence. And it has 
long been very properly John Bull’s Policy and Pride 
to maintain an unrivalled Superiority in Watercraft and 
all nautical Affairs. And John’s People bred in this 
way are beyond all dispute, both the most skilful, and 
the bravest and most intrepid men in the world.— 

The money levied for this purpose was called Naval - Navaigiit. 

* 

gilt; and no Expense was so readily voted by the Pa- 
laverium.—Under pretence then of Navaigiit, or pro¬ 
viding for tliis water-warfare, Carlos assumed the 
Right of demanding, and compelling the Payment, of 
what sums of money he pleased, and from whom he 
pleased, without any consent asked, or given, from the 
Palaverium. Some submitted, and paid this demand, 
to avoid worse consequences; others resisted it as an un¬ 
just and illegal usurpation of the Steward, and resolved 
to take every consequence rather than sanction such a 
dangerous Practice by their compliance. And those Ca^os 
who did so, Carlos, by a still more gross and illegal nishes at 

J ° " pleasure all 

abuse of power, in defiance of the express terms of the who refu^ 

r * to submit to 

Great Roll, imprisoned at his pleasure, without any his u»urj>a- 
Sanction or form of Law, and kept them confined as 



190 


Book j. cii. 2. long as be chose, or even for life ; and several really 
died under this durance.—There was no object for 
which the Bull Family were at all times more ready to 
contribute their money, than this for which Navalgilt 
was nominally demanded, but the money demanded 
under this name at this time, was not really to be ap¬ 
plied particularly to this purpose, more than any other 5 
it was merely a pretence of the Steward to extort mo¬ 
ney from the Folk on the Manor.—Nor was it for the 
value of the money that the resistance was made, but 
on account of the evil precedent and the illegal autho¬ 
rity, by which it was demanded without the sanction 
of the Palaverium ; to which it exclusively belongs to 
grant, and prescribe, the Levying of all money to be 
contributed by the Folk on the Manor. 

But not content with these pretences to extort mo- 
Ompeis p re . ney, Carlos proceeded further to demand it by direct 
violence from every one who he thought had any, un- 

iiitcndcd eV to ^ cr name > indeed, of a Loan or Free Gift; though 
be paid, nothing could be more contrary to either,—-it being a 
no freedom Loan that was never intended to be paid, and a Free 

was left to . 17 

five or ic-Cift, in which no freedom or choice was left to the 
giver, or any safety either for his person or property, 
if he refused. 

* - ■ • 

It will easily be supposed, that with the conscious¬ 
ness of his own Bights, and that independant spirit he 
had now assumed, together with the Knowledge, Free¬ 
dom, and Firm Character, which now distinguished 
the Inhabitants of the Manor of Albion.— John Bull 
could not long submit to such treatment; to see his 
Tenants, his family, and the people on the Manor in 












191 




general,—wlio, as we have said, were mostly descend- Book5.ch/2. 
ants of his own Family—so insulted, oppressed, and 
pillaged ; and that by his own Steward. 

The Palaverium, or Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office, 
as the appropriate depositary of the Purse, and Au¬ 
ditory of all Accounts, had begun even in Yagob’stime 
to remonstrate against the profusion with which the 
property of the Family was lavished upon ill-chosen, 
and unworthy subjects; and for this freedom, even 
then, some who had been most faithful and forward to 
mark these abuses were seized upon, and sent to prison 
by the Steward. But Carlos, from his first entrance on 
the Stewardship, set no bounds to his pretensions, nor 
made any secret of his design to be Master both of the 
Family and their fortunes. Mrs. Bull, therefore, 
found it necessary, with the Approbation of her Hus¬ 
band and Family, to come to a determined resolution to 
resist, and repel, those claims, demands, and usur¬ 
pations. 

The Palaverium began by remonstrating seriously, The PUave- 
and firmly, against the taking Weightage and Priceage Appropriate 
by Carlos without their consent, which none of his finnfy^sup- 
Prcdecessors had ever done. And though the demands ¥>°jLhts of tn« 
of Loans, and Free Gifts, had some times before, in l 
extreme cases been made, Carlos had carried it to a 
greater excess than had ever before been done; and 
that without (lie pretence of any particular case of ne¬ 
cessity. In consequence of these remonstrances—ac¬ 
cording to a right belonging to the Steward, Mrs. Bull’s Are dismissed- 
lt OUsllold Olfice was dissolved and all her faithful sen. 
Domestics turned out of doors by Carlos. But though 
the Bight of dismissing Mrs. Bull’s Houshold resided 


192 


Book5. ch. 2. with the Steward, the Right of re-choosing it rested in¬ 
disputably with the Family and the Folk on the Manor. 
A New Houshold, accordingly, were soon Chosen, and 
Assembled; consisting mostly of the very same indi¬ 
viduals that had composed the last. 

As Mrs. Bull’s New Houshold consisted of nearly 
Meet, mostly the same individuals as the former, it soon appeared, 
Men, and^n that they brought with them also the same spirit, the 
MJnd. as same determined resolution to check the presumption 
ce e "r S Prcdc 'of the Steward; and to make him sensible that he be” 
longed to John Bull, and not John Bull to him. 

During the dispersion of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, 
the Steward had still continued to exact Weightage and 
Priceage, to extort Navalgilt, as of his own Right, and 
to imprison and punish at his own will, those who re¬ 
fused to pay. Of course Mrs. Bull’s Office had no 
sooner met, than they took this matter into considera- 
Arr ajrain dis-tion ; and determined firmly to oppose it. And the 
Steward no sooner heard how they were proceeding, 
than he again turned them out of doors, and sent them 
a packing; without permitting them to finish any bu¬ 
siness whatever. 

But in the present temper of John Bull, and dis¬ 
position of the Family, Carlos began to be sensible that 
it might be dangerous to set them quite at defiance. 
And though that infamous Commerce of Prostitution, 
which now gives the Steward the entire command of 
The first in- Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office, was not then known, and 

traitorous both Parties would have spurned at the attempt; yet 
tampering 1 J 

with the Pa- Carlos did try, and not without some success, to tamper 
a little with a few of the Leading domestics in Mrs. 
Bull’s Houshold. And by pretending to make great 















3.93 


J 


account of their abilities, and bestowing upon them Book 5. ch. 2. 

valuable and important Places and Appointments in his 

own Iioushold and belonging to his own Office, he 

drew over to his side some even of his most vigorous 

opponents. In this manner particularly, he gained 

over one Wantworth. This man had been one of the 

first to comprehend, and boldest to assert, ’the true and 

natural Dignity and Rights of the Family to which he 

belonged. And being a person of extensive capacity, 

and endowed witli much firmness and strength of Mind, 

and an able Speaker, he had become one of the most 

Leading men in Mrs. Bull’s Iioushold Office, and the 

most strenuous opposer of all the Steward’s enormous 

Pretensions. 

To rid himself of such an Opponent, was certainly 
worthy of Carlos’s utmost efforts ; to bring one of such Wantworth—a 

J ° singular in- 

principles, with such abilities, over to his side, how¬ 
ever much to be desired, might seem an Attempt be¬ 
yond all hope, or proposal. Yet certain it is, both 
were most completely accomplished. 

Th is is, I think, one of the first palpable instances 
of apostacy, and treachery against the Family, exhi¬ 
bited in Mrs. Bull’s Office; and even at this day when 
such instances are so common, must appear extraordi¬ 
nary ; and stands a singular proof of the want of all 
Principle in many persons of that Station and Charac¬ 
ter. And the fate which followed it, may now be 
reckoned no less singular; for it cost him his Head. Ilis fate, com- 
A fate, which, it is much to be regretted, has not fol- present times, 
lowed every one of the Family who has since acted the 4U1 " 

same part. Had it done so,—how many thousand lives 
might it have saved. Instead of which, such conduct 

cc 


stance of the 
successof the 
first attempt 
to seduce 
Mrs. Bull’s 
Iioushold. 


194 


Book 5. ch. 2. 


Mrs. Bull’s Of¬ 
fice re-assem¬ 
bled.—Theii 
firm and per- 
severant spi¬ 
rit and con 
duct. 


is now the surest and shortest road to wealth and ho¬ 
nour; such honour, as stewards can confer, and traitors 
enjoy. 

But though Want worth’s apostacy proved fatal to 
himself, it was of little advantage to Carlos. Mrs. 

Bull’s Office was not then, as now, the mere Tool of 

* 

the Steward’s Tools; and the business of the Office was 
at that time conducted with so much unanimity, so 
much firmness, and so well supported by the sentiments 
of the Family in general, that instead of giving way to 
Carlos’ usurped Pretensions, they determined to make 
a direct attack upon them. However troublesome 
Mrs. Bull’s remonstrances and interruptions might be 
to Carlos ; yet, as the allowing of all disbursements, 
and the Right of raising Money upon the Folk in ge¬ 
neral, must confessedly originate in that office, he durst 
not venture to go oil in direct defiance of its Sanction. 
Another Houshold was therefore assembled. And now, 
they did not content themselves with merely remon- 
strating against the exercise of the Steward’s High and 
Usurped Pretensions, but insisted upon an express re¬ 
nunciation of them. 

In order to give force to any New Law or ordi¬ 
nance, and to establish its Authority over all ranks and 
conditions of persons on the Manor, it was necessary 
that it should have the deliberate approbation of both 
Chambers of Mrs. Bull’s Office, and be confirmed by 
the express sanction of the Steward. We have, I be¬ 
lieve, already intimated that Mrs. Bull’s Office con¬ 
sisted of two chambers, called from their situation in 
the Building in which it was held, the Upper and the 
Lower Chamber# The Upper Chamber consists of 















195 


certain Honourable Persons, generally antient Branches Bmk 5. ch. 
of the Family, and possessed of considerable Demcsns, 
who have an hereditary right to constitute a part of 
Mrs. Bull’s Office, and to adv ise and counsel the Stew¬ 
ard upon all occasions. The Lower Chamber con¬ 
sists, as has been said, of certain persons chosen by the 
Folk on the Manor, to Represent them, and support 
their Interests in the Palaverium. 


Chap. III. 

Contexts. —Carlos re-assembles Mrs. Bull’s Housiiold Office—they meet 
' in the same remonstrating Spirit—Present to Carlos a Deed in writ¬ 
ing which they call A Claim of Rights setting forth their just and na¬ 
tural Rights and Privileges—and demand his express and formal sanc¬ 
tion for them, and practical compliance with them—Its principal 
Provisions—Carlos labours to elude the sanctioning this Deed—is at 
last obliged to comply—but w hen done, pays no regard to his own 
sanction—the Palaverium again remonstrate in strong terms—he 
seizes, punishes, and sends to prison for life, some of its most distin¬ 
guished Members—again dissolves Mrs. Bull’s Office—and proceeds 
openly to set all the Rights, Laws, and Customs of the Manor, at de¬ 
fiance—Some instances of atrocious Punishments ordered, and in¬ 
flicted, by Carlos’ Authority. 

No sooner then was this New Houshold met than they 
drew up a Writing to the following purport, to be pre¬ 
sented to the Steward for his sanction; which they 
called A Claim of Rights. In this, they expressly claim of 
claimed, arid demanded, as their just and natural 
Rights and Privileges. 

cc 2 


i 




196 


Book 5. ch. 3. I. That no Loan, Levy, or Contribution, what- 
ever, should be raised upon the Family or Folk on the 
Manor, but by the Consent and express sanction of 
Mrs. Bull’s Iloushold Office. 

II. That no man should be imprisoned, arrested, 

its Principal 0 r restrained of his Natural Liberty, but by due Pro- 
Articles. , J J 

cess, and Sentence in the open Courts of the Manor. 

III. That no permission should be granted by the 
Steward to the Clerks and Scriveners of his Office, to 
hold Courts, call Persons before them, and give judg¬ 
ment by peculiar Process and Maxims of their own, 
independent of the Laws and Customs of the Manor. 
A most pernicious and shameful practice, which had 
lately gained footing. This Instrument, containing these 
with some other less important articles, they called a 
Claim of Rights, to imply, that they asked no Fa¬ 
vour or Indulgence of the Steward, but only what was 
the just and undoubted Right of every Inhabitant on 
the Manor of Albion. To these and some other Pri¬ 
vileges, amounting to a full Acknowledgment of their 
Natural Freedom and Rights, presented by both 
Chambers of Mrs. Bull’s Office, they demand the 
Steward’s express consent, and sanction. And that 
this Instrument should stand one of the established and 
inviolable Laws of the Manor. 

This just Demand Carlos endeavoured to elude by 
every mode that he could devise; he even made some 
apology for his past conduct, and declared that lie did 
not exact Weightage and Priceage as of Right in him 
as Steward, but, as what might be conducive to the 
general good. And he now requested that it might be 
granted to him, as it had been to his Predecessors. 


197 


And he endeavoured to evade their claim of Rights by Book s.ch.s. 

an Equivocal Answer, not in the usual terms in which 

the Steward’s sanction was always expressed in order 

to give the force of Law. All these evasions served to 

confirm the too well-grounded suspicions of ill-design 

and intended deception. But the men he had now to 

deal with were too keen, and too capable, to be duped 

by evasions ; they stood firm to their point. And 

Carlos having heard that they were preparing a strong 

Remonstrance against all his arbitrary Usurpations and 

Practices,—thought fit to go to the Palaverium and 

give his full sanction to their demands in the usual Sanctioned by 
_ j . ^ Carlos. 

form, implying—that ever?/ thing should he done as was 
desired. And this Deed, or Instrument, stands to the 
present day one of the Essential Foundations of the 
Freedom and Privileges of the Bull Family. 

It may perhaps occur to the Reader, that this 
Claim of Rights contains nothing more than what was 
already either expressly, or by plain implication, se¬ 
cured by the Great Roll , so often referred to,—and in¬ 
deed no more than what is the indisputable Right of 
every society, and individual, who has not forfeited, 
or betrayed, his Natural Rights. This is no doubt 
very true. But such is the constant propensity, and 
practice, of Stewards and all who act under them, to 
usurp upon all Rights; and to neglect, elude, or contemn, 
all sanctions, obligations, or restraints, laid upon them, 
that the Great Roll was now in a manner altogether 
forgotten, or disregarded in the high Pretensions of the 
Steward; so that this renewed sanction was at this time 
very necessary, and a great acquisition* 


198 


Book 5 . cli. 3. But though Carlos was obliged to swallow this 
dose, his stomach could not well digest it; and violent 
efforts were made to throw it up again. 

After the full sanctioning of this Claim of Rights , 
the Palaverium granted to Carlos such a supply of 
Cash as w as thought necessary for the present occasion. 
But, as he had presumed to exact Weiglitage and 
Priceage, it was thought proper still to keep that point 
in reserve. And Carlos, in direct contempt of his im- 
P ^ard "to hfemediate renunciation by the Claim of Rights , still 
froSnthemo- con fi nue d to exact it by his own Authority; not, he 
ment it as of Right, but as expedient; and yet he pro¬ 

ceeded to punish all who refused to pay. The Pala¬ 
verium once more set itself to remonstrate against this 
and many other Grievances and usurpations in the Ex¬ 
ercise of the Steward’s Office. Mrs. Bull even caused 
the Bailiffs and Officers who had levied these contribu¬ 
tions, to be brought before her, in her Houshold Office, 
and threatened to punish them. Upon this Carlos sent 
a message to declare that what the Bailiffs and Officers 
did, was by his express Order. This was far from 
mending the matter. Mrs. Bull was no more disposed 
to give up her Family to be oppressed, or her Husband’s 
Estate to be wasted, by the Steward himself, than by 
his Officers and Agents ; nay, the higher the authority 
pretended, the more dangerous the precedent. 

Mrs. Bull also on this occasion remonstrated 
against some partiality and indulgence that had lately 
been shewn in the Steward’s Office to the Emissaries 
of that old Rogue Peter. The truth is, Carlos had 
married the Sister of Ecwis Baboon, a family always 


199 


devoted to Peter and his Maxims. This Family had Book 5. ch. 3. 
indeed usurped the absolute Possession of Jean Frank’s 


Manor, and by the intrigues of two unprincipled Some Alarms 
pragmatical Priests,* in the Character of Major Domos, 
had reduced the whole Family to Vassalage, and of 
course was strongly disposed to countenance and en¬ 
courage all such usurpations and prbtensions, on every 
other Manor in the country. This Marriage, with the 
propensity to Peterkinism which it imported into the 
Steward’s Family, was indeed one of the principal 
causes of the ruin of Carlos, and the final expulsion of 


strances a- 
bout Peter¬ 
kinism, thro* 
the influence 
of the Stew¬ 
ard’s Peter- 
kin Wife, 
the Sister of 
Lewis Ba¬ 
boon. 


liis Family, as we shall see, from the Stewardship, and 
Manor of Albion. For as the principles of Peterkin- 
ism require the entire renunciation of all private and 


personal opinion, judgment, and right, to one absolute 
Authority, which is in Peter himself; maxims so con¬ 
genial to those of Carlos’ own could not but be very 
favourably looked upon in the Steward’s Office. And 
the Lady having bargained for the free indulgence of 
Peterkinism for herself and her domestics; the effect 


of such indulgence did not fail to diffuse itself in some 
degree over the whole Manor. 

The Lower Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Office having 
drawn up a strong Remonstrance, and Protest, upon 
all these subjects of Complaint and Grievance, they 
desired their Chairman according to custom to read it 
in the Office. When, to their utter astonishment, he 
told them, he durst not—that the Steward had abso¬ 
lutely commanded him not to dare to read it. This A singular Vi- 

J % , olationofthe 

was an unprecedented intrusion upon the Privdeges oi Freedom of 
Mrs. Bull s Office, and the Freedom of tlie whole ha- office. 


* C—rd—Is It—ch—u, aud M—z—r—n.—Pret, Com. 




200 


Book 5 . ch. 3. mily whom they represented ; and excited the utmost 
indignation and resentment. The Chairman seeing 
the disposition of the Office, endeavoured to quit the 
Chair, but was held in it till the Remonstrance was 
read by another.—This instrument declared particu¬ 
larly,—that whoever should attempt to introduce the 
Principles and Maxims of Peterkinism on the Manor, 
or, whoever should demand, or pay, Weightage and 
Priceage, without the express Authority of Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, should be held an Enemy and a Traitor to the 
Family. 

Accounts of these proceedings had reached Carlos; 
and in a great passion, he sent to them his Head Bai- 

4 

liff, armed with his Staff of Office, and a thundering 
Reprimand for their insolence. But those were not 
men to be frighted with bugbears and baubles; the 

—as singularly Bailiff arrived at the door while their Remonstrance 
resisted. 

and Protest was reading, and there they held him 
fast, till it was finished ; and adjourning themselves to 
another fixed day, they immediately broke up their 
meeting; and left him to deliver his thundering Mes¬ 
sage to the empty benches. The Steward seemed now 
to have lost all moderation and reason. He ordered 
several of the Leading Members of Mrs. Bull’s Office 
to be seized, and brought before the Clerks and Scriv¬ 
eners of his Office, to answer for their Conduct in their 
Mistress’ House; but they disdained to give any ac¬ 
count to sncli pretended Judges; holding themselees 
answerable, in their capacity of Mrs. Bull’s Domestics, 
to none but their Mistress or the Squire himself: to 
whom they were all ultimately accountable. Upon 
this, they were all sent to the strongest Castle on the 


201 


Manor; which was consigned to the Steward’s hands Book 5. eh. 3. 
for the security and punishment of the Greatest Of¬ 
fenders against the Public Safety. 

Carlos then went to the other Chamber of Mrs. 

Bull’s Office, and complaining violently of what he 

called the insolence of the Lower Chamber, told them, 

by way of apology, that such behaviour obliged him to h s 

dismiss the whole set of them. The whole were ac- once more 

cordingly dismissed, and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold once 

more dissolved. 

Carlos now began openly to set all the Rights of 

the Family and all Laws and Customs of the Manor at 

defiance, and to acknowledge no Rule or Restraint but 

his own will. And, seemed in spite of Reason and 

Common Sense, to think that would carry him through, 

against the firm determination of the Family, and all 

the force' and pow r er of the people on the Manor. And 

that he might find no check or interruption from Mrs, 

Bull’s quarter, he kept her long without any Houshold 

Establishment whatever, as a mere private Mistress of 

a Family. And not content with this, he had numbers 

of the Members of Mrs. Bull’s late Houshold Office, 

who had most faithfully discharged their duty, and 

most firm! v opposed his usurpations, seized, and brought Imprisons and 
J r r . i Punishess 

before a Court entirely of his own constituting, and some of the 

directly contrary to all the legitimate Institutions, and f U i of Mrs. 

allowed modes of Proceeding, on the Manor. And f U) U id, S iJ™!- 

though they denied the Authority of this Court, and 

demanded to be brought before one constituted accord- ^ t ^ gh ^ n s c °. 

ing to the Laws of the Manor, and either convicted, or tioaed by 

discharged ; as a privilege expressly established by the 

Great Roll , and renewed and confirmed by the Claim 

p u 


i 


202 


Book 5. eh. 3. of Rights so lately sanctioned by Carlos himself: —* 
no regard was paid to their appeal r and they were sen¬ 
tenced to pay enormous and arbitrary fines, and to lie 
in prison during the Steward’s pleasure: and some of 
them, persons of great distinction, really died in 
prison. 

The fate of this wretched infatuated Steward has 
vulgarly been censured and regretted ; it has even been 
affected to represent him as a Victim or Martyr of Piety 
and Justice. But when his determined Tyranny, Per¬ 
fidy, and constant contempt and violation of all Law, 
Justice, and Right; as well as of every principle of 
Honour and Truth, are impartially considered, his 
Fate cannot justly excite either much Censure, or 
’ Regret. 

But as the Court in which the above arbitrary 
Prosecutions took place was itself of one of the grossest, 
The uiegaland most palpable usurpations of the Stewardship, and 

and Arbitra- ...... . . . . .. . 

ry Court ofwas at this time so much had recourse to, it may be 

star-hail. p r 0 p Cr here to gi ve somc account of its Origin, Con¬ 
stitution, and mode of Proceeding. This Court, from 
the placb where it was held, was called the Star-hall,— 
why so called, Authors are not agreed, nor is it any 
thing to the purpose* It had its origin in those times 
when the Usurpation of the Stewards was carried to the 
greatest excess; and had especially gained footing 
under the arbitrary exercise of the Godgift Family. 
Constitution & It was composed of Solicitors, Clerks, Scriveners, Pa- 

Characterof . 0 TT 

the Court ofrasites, Sycophants, and all the Hangers-on and De- 

stai hail. p en( j an t s 0 f the Steward’s Office. Its Object was, to 

give some colour of sanction to those acts of Tyranny 
in the Steward, which it might have been invidious to 


# 






203 


imvc ventured upon by his own absolute Authority. Book 5. ch.3. 
And as the existence of this Court had no sanction nor 
example in the Laws and Customs of the Manor, so 
the Judgments and Forms of Proceeding had no Rule 
or Precedent, but the Arbitrary Will of the Members ; 
or, which is the same thing, that of the Steward, as 
they were merely his Creatures. 

Of this pretended Court the Judgments were not 
only, as might be expected, arbitrary and unjust,—but 

often, even shockingly cruel and inhuman.-Take a 

tew Examples, where Persons distinguished for Rank, 

I ortune, and Education, were sentenced to, and suf- 
tered, the most severe and most ignominious Punish- 
meats that could be inflicted on the basest Felons: and 
that for merely exposing, and opposing, the Tyranny 
and arbitrary proceedings of the Steward. 

One Dr. Deighton having published an Appeal to 
the Palaverium, against all those Arbitrary Attempts j ts victims, 
and Usurpations of the Steward;—he was by this ille¬ 
gal Court sentenced to be Pilloried, to have his Ears 
cut off, and his Nose slit. And the sentence was ex¬ 
ecuted to its full extent, with the greatest severity.— 

One Mr. Primme, a Member of Mrs. Bull’s Oflice, 
having thrown out some Censures upon the Luxury 
and Licentiousness of the Steward’s Oflice and Hous- 
hold, and upon some Harlequin Buffooneries they kept 
lip for their amusement—was sentencedto Pay a Fine of 
^5080. to be twice Pilloried, to have his Ears cut off, 
and to lie in Prison as long as he lived. 

Even from his prison this Primme contrived by his 
Writings to expose and censure the Usurpation and 
Tyranny of the Steward, and the Licentious Profligacy 

I) d 2 


\ 


t 



204 


Buck b, cli. 3 . of those about his Houshold and Ofhce; and was 
again, together with two other persons of respectability, 
the one a Divine, the other a Physician, sentenced to 
be Pilloried, and to lose their Ears, and Primme even 
the remains of his, and to be fined each ^5000. and all 
to lie in prison for Life.—Take one Instance more— 
One Lillybrook, a Dealer in Books, had sold some 
Pamphlets reflecting on the Conduct of the Steward 
and of his Office in general, for which he was fined 
<sf5000. Pilloried, and Whip! over the Manor, and then 
consigned to prison for life. And there probably he 
and all the others would have ended their Lives, had 
not the rate at which Carlos was now driving soon 
brought him to the end of his course.—When Mrs. 
Bull’s Office resuming its Authority, all these Victims 
of Tyranny were released, and by the Bull Family re¬ 
warded for their exertions and sufferings in their be¬ 
half : as will be seen in the Sequel. 

The case of Mr. John Hamglen w'as somewhat 
The Case and different, and still more interesting. This Person was 

Characterof . _ ® 

Mr. John a genuine descendant of John Bull, as both his Name 

Udm & ieii. an( j Character testify. He was besides a man of great 

capacity, of a clear Head, of a sound Heart, and of a 
firm, undaunted, and determined Spirit. This man 
being demanded of for Navalgilt, not only refused to 
pay, but brought the General Question of Exacting 
Navalgilt to a Trial in the Legal Courts of the Manor— 
not for the sake of the Sum demanded, for that was but 
20 shillings, but for the sake of Justice, and the Rights 
and Privileges of the Family; whose cause he firmly 
defended against the Steward himself and all his 
Agents. But the Judges themselves being, as is too 




205 


generally the case—the Creatures of the Steward, ap- Book 5. ch. 3. 
pointed by him, and removeable at his pleasure, gave 
Judgment against him, and declared that exacting Na- 
valgilt was lawful—and Hamglen paid his sum.—This 
judgment was afterwards expressly reversed by the 
full authority of the manor, and the judges who gave it 
severely fined. And thus the business of Navalgilt laid 
at rest for ever. 

The firm, cool, and intrepid character of Ham¬ 
glen was neither irritated nor discouraged by the above 
judgment; he continued to be one of the best and 
ablest defenders of John Bull’s cause and family, till he 
lost his life in their quarrel. And his name and memory 
are to this day deservedly cherished, and revered, by 
every true son of the family. One of Carlos’s own ad¬ 
vocates and apologists observes of him, “that he had 
a Head to contrive, a Tongue to persuade, and a Heart * 
to execute any Mischief.” The usual candour of that 
Writer ought, for Mischief to have substituted Great 
Undertaking , and the Character would have been 
strictly just and appropriate. 

Carlos was now going on in a course that, it might 
be seen, must soon terminate in the Ruin of all his 
usurped Pretensions ; though it could scarce have been Carlos obsti- 
suspccted to prove quite so fatal as it really did. In infat" 

the present situation of John Bull’s Fortune and Af- uatedcourse * 
fairs, his Estate clear and unincumbered, his Family 
numerous and flourishing, and the whole Folk on the 
Manor high-spirited, enlightened, and just aroused to a 
sense of their own Importance and Rights, and of the 
Steward’s Usurpation and Injustice—nothing short of 


* Perhaps it should be Uand. 




206 * 


Book 5. ch. 4. infatuation could have induced Carlos to take the steps 
he had already done. But quem Deus vult perderc, 
prius dementat. 


Chap. lY r . 

Contents. —Great Disturbances on the Caledonian Manor in eonsequence 
of their refusing to wear a Sunday’s Suit, or Holiday Dress, made up 
and sent them by Puli', the Albion Fasliionmonger or Master of Ce¬ 
remonies—A long Chapter'—of which the Contents being curious, will 
be best understood by reading them. 

The Manor of r ^° a ^d to C ar l° ss misfortunes and embarrassments 

Caledonia all at this time, the Old Manor of Caledonia, the Steward- 
in an uproar. ' 

ship of which had been time out of mind the Inherit¬ 
ance of his Family, but had since their Accession to the 
Manor of Albion been much neglected, was all in up¬ 
roar and confusion; and Sandy Ranger seemed ready 
to discard the Steward’s Authority altog'ether. This 
situation of affairs took its rise from a cause which may 
seem no-wise adequate to the effect. Every body who 
has read the story of the three Brothers, Peter, Martin, 
and Jack, knows what work has been made, and what 
violent disputes have arisen in the world about the 
Coats , or Fashion of Dress , of these celebrated Brothers 
and their respective Followers.* But perhaps never 

* Tliis and what follows on the subject of Holiday Dress, may allude 
to the Disputes about the different Forms of Religious Worship, especially 
the Episcopal and Presbyterian,—and the Shocking Cruelties exercised 
to enforce the former in Scotland.—Fret. Com. 









207 


did these matters give rise to more atrocious proceed- B>ok5.ch.4. 
ings, than what, in the Sequel of these Memoirs we 
shall have occasion to mention as exhibited on the Ca¬ 
ledonian Manor. The Impostor Peter had been ex¬ 
pelled from Sandy’s Manor, and from the Manage¬ 
ment of his Mother’s House, which he had also usurped, 
with still more violence and indignity, than he had 
been from John Bull’s Manor. And this having taken 
place chiefly when the Stewardship was in the hand of 
a Young Female, who was also then absent from the 
Manor, the Family had taken the Management of 
their Mother’s Affairs pretty much into their own hands. 

One point, of which both Sandy’s Folk and Peter 
made great account, was, the Form and Cut of their 
Sunday’s Clothes, or the Fashion of their Holiday Suit. 

Peter, in particular, had invented a certain Form or 
Fashion of Holiday dress, which he ordered to be 
universally used. To this, Sandy, who in these mat¬ 
ters was highly fanciful—with perhaps a little dash of 
the coxcomb, had for some time shewn great dislike ; 
and had now under the Auspices of the celebrated 
Jack, Brother to Peter, invented a new Fashion and 
Cut of his own, with which the Folk on the Manor 
were mightily pleased; and indeed maintained that it 
was not a new, but the pure original fashion in which Ca t r 0 10 force m thl 
such Dress was made. But in the use of this, Carlos 
would by no means indulge them; either because he on ^ 
was as narrow minded in these matters as the meanest 
of themselves; or, because he thought that freedom of 
choice in one case might encourage pretensions to it in 
others, and prove an obstacle to that arbitrary exercise 
of the Stewardship which lie was determined to extend 


Caledonian- 
Manor. 





208 


Book 5. ch. 4. to every thing, and to maintain on both Manors. It 
was therefore resolved to enforce a perfect uniformity, 
and that every man on both Manors should think, be¬ 
lieve, understand, and dress, exactly alike, and after 
whatever Fashion the Steward chose to prescribe. 

Though great part of the People on the two ad¬ 
joining Manors of Albion and Caledonia seem to have 
been originally of the same stock, yet by time and ha¬ 
bit they had come to differ considerably in their Fash¬ 
ions, Customs, and Manners. And in particular, 
though, since discarding Peter, both had made altera¬ 
tions in their Sunday’s Dress; the New Fashion of 
each differed in many respects from that of the other; 
but Carlos was determined that all persons on both 
Manors should wear their Sunday’s Dress of exactly 
the same Fashion, Form, and Cut; — nor content 
with that, he would not even indulge Sandy in the 
making his own Suit, even if he would have agreed to 
follow the prescribed Fashion. 

In this business Carlos seems chiefly to have been in¬ 
fluenced, and directed by one Tailor Puff, head Fash- 
ionmonger or Master of Ceremonies for his Office and for 
the Manor of Albion. This man undertook to make up a 
Suit for Sandy and his Family, of exactly the same 
Size, Form, and Dimensions that was worn by the 
Bull Family; and it was ordered that no one of Sandy’s 
Family, however different in Size or Stature, should 
dare to vary from these dimensions by a clip of the 
Shears, or a stitch of the Needle. 

Besides the tenaciousness with which People ad¬ 
here to their own Customs and Fashions, the mode of 
imposing this Sunday’s Dress excited the utmost in- 



209 


dignation on the Caledonian Manor. Though Sandy Book 5. ch.4. 

possessed but a small, and not very fertile Estate, yet 

lie had always kept it clear and unincumbered, and va— 1)l1t , is obBti " 

^ J nately resist- 

lued himself as much on his independence, and held his ett,and obiig- 

111*1 1 ed, for the 

liead as high, as any man in the country round ; and time, to give 

. up the at- 

no man was more apt to resent an insult, or any at- tempt, 
tempt to impose upon him. It may easily be con¬ 
ceived how Carlos’s attempt would relish with such a 
disposition. Even had this New Dress been to his 
taste and fancy, Sandy would have spurned at the pro¬ 
posal of receiving it from any man ; but far more, at 
the idea of being thrust into it in this rude and violent 
manner. But the truth is, it was by no means to his 
Taste. Sandy was indeed, as we have said, quite fan¬ 
ciful in the A flair of Holiday Dress ; and had a high 
opinion of his own taste and judgment in such matters; 
and he liked to see his own Tailors and Dress-makers 
display their invention and fancy on these occasions. 

And though their New Cut might be in some instances 
a little whimsical and extravagant, it afforded abundant 
room for novelty and variety, and every man had an 
opportunity of shewing his own fancy and taste, and 
the Dress-makers of displaying their ingenuity and in¬ 
vention. All which was entirely excluded by the im¬ 
positions uniform devised by Puff and enjoined by 
Carlos ; besides the degradation of having it thrust 
upon them, as if they had been John Bull’s Lackies, 
or the Steward’s Livery Servants. To such a spirit as 
Sandy’s, nothing could be more mortifying and repul¬ 
sive, than this attempt. 

However, by the advice, and under the direction 
of Puff, the Fashionmonger at the Steward’s Office, 


Book 5. ch. 4. this Dress was made lip, and got ready to be sent off.— 
This Puff was a Grave, Solemn, Self-important, Prag- 
C TaUor e iw° fma ^ ca ^ r ‘» ’ who thought the Size and Form of the 
Coat of more importance than the Make, Stature, or 
Figure of the Man, or any of the ends or uses for which 
Men were made, or Clothes were worn. Instead, 
therefore, of allowing the Coat to be cut according to 
the size or dimensions of the man who was to wear it, 
he, with a truly Procrustian Spirit, intended and ad¬ 
vised that the man should be cut to the size and dimen¬ 
sions of the Coat.* And however incredible this may 

♦ 

sound, it was some time afterwards, by the Son of this 
same Carlos, actually put in execution ; and a great 
number of persons were mutilated, and murdered in 
the Experiment ; as we shall have occasion to relate. 

This Dress, or something in the same Form, had 
long been in use on the Albion Manor, and in John 
Bull’s Mother’s House, and was considered as the Fa¬ 
mily-fashion ; and was indeed, for those whom it fitted, 
a very decent, easy, and becoming Dress; and though 
The BullFa-it had, perhaps, some superfluities, or fallals,—as the 
«iay Dress,— Quaker in the Play says—belonging to it, which may 
rather be thought incumbrances, than either useful or 
ornamental; yet was there nothing about it that could 
be justly reckoned either offensive or indecent. 

The original of the Dress had indeed been intro¬ 
duced when Peter presided in Madam Bull’s Family ; 
but had since his expulsion been considerably altered, 
and improved, in conformity with the improved taste 
and judgment of the Family. And the truly respect¬ 
able Old Lady, possessed of good sense and modera- 

* * Rack and Torture to compel iteligious opinion.—Pret. Com. 



211 


tion beyond the lot of her Sex and Station, had never Book 5. c!k4. 
been strict in requiring a rigid compliance to the ex¬ 
act form and fashion; so be, her Servants and Family- 
conduct themselves orderly, and appear sober and de¬ 
cent in their Dress : being well aware that the sole end 
and object of both the form and substance of Apparel 
and Dress is comfort, with decency and propriety of 
personal appearance; and that it be not cumbersome, 
nor unfavorable to activity and proper exertion. 

If any thing inconsistent with this prudent mode¬ 
ration has at any time shown itself in the Regulation, 
or Economy of Madam Bull’s Houshold or Family, it 
will be found to have always arisen, not from the tem¬ 
per and spirit of the Lady herself, but from the pride, 
envy, and ambition, of some conceited pragmatical 
prigs of Tailors and Fashionmongers of her Houshold, 
such as this Puff; who was shrewdly suspected of a se¬ 
cret partiality to Peter and his practices,—at least he 
possessed all his self-important and overbearing spirit, 
and was fond of all the senseless unmeaning mummery, 
of Peter’s manners and times. 

Of this Domestic Uniform of Madam Bull, many 
have complained, that in some of its parts it is too re¬ 
dundant and cumbersome; and in the way it is now 
commonly worn there may be some ground for such Bull Family 
complaint; as the custom now is, it is a common thing Dress, 
to huddle on altogether a number of parts of the Dress, 
which were intended each for a distinct and separate 
time or occasion. But this is imputable, entirely to the 
indifference, obstinacy, or want of judgment, in the 
Steward, or the Head Domestics of Madam Bull’s 
Houshold, who have the ordering of these things. This 


212 


\ 


Book b. ch- 4. Family Holiday Dress, it must be understood, was in¬ 
tended to furnish a complete vestment for every dif- 
ferent occasion that was likely to occur, as for Birth¬ 
days, Weddings, Funerals, and other occasional Ho¬ 
lidays. And even of the Every-day Dress, different 
parts were intended for different times and seasons; 
some, perhaps for a cold winter’s morning, some for a 
hot summer’s day. But the heedless unthinking Mas¬ 
ters of Ceremonies, probably from mere indifference, 
have directed all to be clapt on together. Now as 
there are some particular parts of the Dress which be¬ 
long to each of these occasions, by this custom of hud¬ 
dling on the whole on every occasion; why, one may 
have half-a-scorc folds of the same Article swathed 
round him in a hot summer’s day.—For Instance—we 
will suppose a single silk sash is both a useful and or¬ 
namental part of Dress*—Well then, it may be conve¬ 
nient to wear perhaps only a single Waistcoat with a 
broad silk sash over it—But a Doublet also may be con¬ 
venient, and to the Doublet belongs a sash—then the 
under sash may be left off—no such thing,—a sash be¬ 
longs to the Whiistcoat—but a Coat also belongs to the 
Dress,—over the Doublet goes a Coat, with the Coat 
must go a sash—over the Coat a Great-coat—with the 
Great-coat a sash—over the Great-coat a Cloak,—with 
the Cloak a sash.—Perhaps beside there is a Christ¬ 
ening, and a Wedding, each of which has a particular 
Dress, and each Dress a Sash,—all must go on. Thus, 
besides the incumberance of such a superfluous load of 

* The frequent repetition of the Paternoster in the Church Service, 
seems here to be alluded to; which may occur eight or ten times in the 
Morning’s Service.—Pret Com. 



213 


Clothes at all seasons—with eight or ten sashes swathed Hook 5 .ch. 4 . 
round a man at one time,—think what a figure he must 
present. To this may be added a number of unneces- Sll " f,a y Dress > 

CjC* 

sary Points, and Endings, tagged to the extremities of 
almost every part of the Dress. Such a Dress must, 
no doubt, on some occasions seem not only cumber¬ 
some and inelegant; but, especially to Strangers, must 
appear somewhat ridiculous and absurd. Yet happily 
every part of this Dress is in itself decent and graceful; 
and the whole is made of the best materials. 

But to proceed in our Narrative-Puff having 

cut out a Sunday’s Suit for Sandy, and seen it made The attempt to 
up under his eye, it was packed up and sent off with an insurrec- 

i • i *it 1*1 i i tion in San- 

great care; accompanied with a strict charge to one or dy s Family, 
the Head Tailors of Sandy’s Houshold to see it fitted on 
next Sunday,—and that no man should afterwards dare 
to appear in any other Sunday’s Dress. As it was to 
be the Church-going Suit, the Tailor to whom it had 
been sent in charge, thought Sunday, at the Church, 
would be the best place and occasion for exhibiting it, 
fitting it on, and publishing the order that all persons 
should follow it exactly. Accordingly Sandy had 
notice to present himself with his Family on the ap¬ 
pointed day, to have his New Sunday’s Suit tried on 
and to hear the Order for the invariable use of it. 

Whether Sandy was disposed to receive this fa¬ 
vour with due gratitude, we will not pretend to say; —which com- 
certain it is, he had curiosity enough to appear at MaggieGed^ 
Church with most of his Family, on the appointed h“ tlir threS 
daywhen the Head Tailor of the Parish in which 
his Principal Mansion stood, presented himselt in a 
Full Dress of the prescribed Form, with a large Pack- 



214 


\ 


Book 5. 


/ • 


/ 


Carlos 
from 
tempt. 


ch. 4. age carried before him, for the use and pattern of 
Sandy and Ins Family. But no sooner had be begun 
to open out bis Wares, than an Old Woman named 
Margaret Geddes, who sat before him on a three-leg¬ 
ged stool, rising in great resentment, exclaimed— What , 
will the false clown open up his Trumpery before my 
very face !—and instantly let fly the three-legged stool 
at his head.* This proved the signal for an universal 
onset, and the poor Tailor was attacked with Stools, 
Forms, Shoes, Pattens, Sticks, and Staves, and what¬ 
ever came to hand.— c Furor arma ministrat’. In short 
had not the Constables, and Churchwardens, with some 
of the soberer sort, interposed and rescued the poor 
Tailor out of their hands and carried him safe home to 
his house, his brains, if he had any, would assuredly 
have been knocked out in the fray. 

Such was now the universal indignation excited 
over the whole Caledonian Manor, by this treatment 
from their Old Steward, that Carlos thought it prudent 
desistsP resen f to desist from his attempt to saddle Sandy 

hu at- w [th his favorite Sunday’s Suit.-Some of Sandy’s 

Family to this day boast not a little of this Exploit of 
Margaret Geddes, and her name is still held in honour¬ 
able estimation among them. And one of their Memo¬ 
rialists observes—‘who could have thought that Mag¬ 
gie Geddes’ throwing the three-legged stool at the 
Tailor’s Head would have produced such great and im¬ 
portant consequences.’ And it must be confessed the 
consequences that followed were truly great and im¬ 
portant to both Manors; and on Sandy’s at least, ope¬ 
rate to this very day. 


* This, however singular it uaay seem, is a strict and literal Fact. 





215 

Sandy’s Family now went near to throw off allde- Book 5. ch. 4 . 
fercnce and respect for their Old Steward. They 
particularly declared their determination to choose 
their own Tailors, and to cut their Holiday Clothes af¬ 
ter their own Fashion, and to their own Taste. And 
entered into an engagement to be firm, and to stand by 
one another in this Matter. And the Tailors and Fash¬ 
ion-mongers, who had received, and undertaken to fit 
them with this imposed Dress, were now called to ac¬ 
count, and discharged from the exercise of their Trade 
upon the Manor for the future ; upon which many of 
them removed themselves to John Ball’s Manor, where 
Fuff was at least well disposed to provide employment 
for them. 

Sandy and his Steward were now absolutely at 
daggers drawing, and each stood surrounded with After much 
their partizans ready to cut one another’s throats. But both ide" 
the truth is, Carlos’s Pretensions were scarce more fa- modafion 0 "^ 
vourably looked upon by those of his own Party, who 5 (l ^ 

accompanied him from the Bull Manor, than by those 
of the opposite Party. The first had indeed attended him sewed by ei- 
iuto Sandy’s Manor. But a perfectly good under¬ 
standing subsisted at this time between the Folk on the 
two Manors, and even between Sandy and some Lead¬ 
ing men in the Steward’s Party. Carlos could not but 
perceive the little zeal of even his own Partizans in his 
Cause; and as Sandy still professed to acknowledge 
him in his Office; though he would not be dictated to 
in his own Family, by his Steward—they soon came 
to an Agreement to disperse their Followers on both 
sides, to bury all by-gones in silence, and to settle 
coolly and deliberately all remaining disputes. In 


216 


\ 

Book5. ch. 4. consequence of this agreement, the affairs of the Holi¬ 
day Dress was left to be regulated by Sandy himself, 
with the advice of his own Tailors and Masters of Ce¬ 
remonies ; and all other matters were to be settled by the 
Caledonian Palaverium; an Institution somewhat similar 
to Mrs. Bull’s Iloushold Office; only the whole met 
in one Chamber, and consulted together. 

To account for the indifference of Carlos’s Fol¬ 
lowers to his Cause, on the present occasion, it may be 
observed, that, beside the causes of Discontent between 
John Bull and Carlos already mentioned, the Bull 
Family were at this time no wise partial to their own 
Sunday’s Dress; and far less disposed to impose it 
upon others. 

The terms of agreement above settled were but ill 
observed on either side. Carlos had now returned to 
his Residence on the Albion Manor, where, though he 
had solemnly sanctioned the Law declaring it unlawful 
to exact, or take money ot any person on the Manor 
•without the express Authority of the Palaverium ; or to 
interrupt, imprison, or punish any man, but by due 
Process of the Laws of the Manor—it soon appeared, 
that he had agreed to all this merely to gain time, 
and elude the present interruption. For he had no 
sooner dispersed Mrs. Bull’s Iloushold, than he shewed 
that he held even his own solemn sanction in the ut¬ 
most contempt, and set no bounds to his exactions; and 
he imprisoned and punished, without law or reason, 
whoever denied whatever he demanded, or gave him 
the least trouble or interruption. But all could not 
supply his wants; and he was again obliged to reas¬ 
semble Mrs. Bull’s Iloushold Office. 


217 


*' 


Mrs. Bull’s Housliold being again met, the Steward Book 5. ch. 4. 
sent a Message to them by one Harry Weathercock, to 
ask a supply of Money. Harry, who I doubt had a Mrs - , Bull s 

1 1 J * 7 7 # Housliold a- 

spice of the knave in his composition, — cither by mis- gain Assem- 

take, or design, made an enormous demand, double the 
sum directed to be asked. On account of the Steward’s 
conduct during the suspension of the Office, they had 
met in no very complaisant humour ; and such a Mes¬ 
sage with such a demand, in the temper they were in, 
set the whole in a flame. And Harry returning, re¬ 
ported to the Steward that no money would be granted. 

Carlos was equally provoked and disappointed by this 
answer; arid as the procuring of Money was the sole 
purpose for which he assembled them, he immediately 
dispersed them again, without allowing them time to 
take any notice of the atrocious perfidy, extortion, and 
injustice he had been guilty of during their suspension ; 
and without any hesitation betook himself to the same 
practices again, seizing people’s money and goods 
wherever he could come at them, and imprisoning 
and punishing those who opposed him, or whose money 
or goods he could not come at. 

It may seem strange that Carlos, who was not 
reckoned deficient in understanding, should thus per¬ 
sist in a course so directly tending to his ruin. But 
the absurd notion which at this time prevailed over the 

whole country round, and especially in Terrafirm, Carlos misled 

. _ by the Suc- 

with respect to the importance of the Stewardical Cha- cessfui Usur- 
r pations of 

racter, and the uncontrolable Authority belonging to theSteward- 

the Office, no doubt, tended to mislead him. On al- ter, especi- 

most every Manor on Terrafirm the Usurpation of the ^firm? lu 

Stewards had been carried to that height 3 thatthey were 

F F 




218 


Books.eh,4. really become the absolute and acknowledged Lords 
and Proprietors. And in many instances they bought 
and sold both the Estates and the People upon them, 
the same as they did Cattle or Stock, or any other 
Goods. And Carlos could not admit the idea that he had 
less right or power than any of his Brother Stewards. 

And though, beside the Antient Custom and Con¬ 
stitution of the Manor of Albion, the Privileges and 
Bights of the Bull Family, and the bounds of the Stew¬ 
ard’s Power and Authority had been fixed, and settled 
by the Great Roll and many other most solemn and au¬ 
thentic Deeds and Records; yet, such is the tendency 
of Stewardical Presumption to disregard every thing 
but its own gratification, that Carlos’s Father had en¬ 
deavoured to hold it forth,—that all the Rights and 
Privileges of the Bull Family were either Usurpations 
from, or Indulgences granted by, his Ancestors and 
himself. And so far was Carlos from proposing to pay 
any regard to the Great Roll or any other of those An¬ 
tient Deeds and Records, that he did not think lie 
could be bound to keep any faith with the Family, even 
by the most solemn sanctions he himself had given, 
longer than till he had power to break through them. 

In the time of Carlos’s Father, the Power and Pre¬ 
tensions of the Stewardship had in theory and profes¬ 
sion been carried to the greatest height; and opinions 
and principles entirely subversive of all private and in¬ 
dividual Freedom and Right, had been not only pro¬ 
pagated in the Steward’s Office, but proclaimed abroad, 
preached in Churches; and even a Divine Sanction 
claimed for them. Such Doctrines, even in theory, 
coming from whence they did, could not but be some- 




/ 



t 


219 

\ 

what alarming* to John Bull’s Family ; but having set Book 5. ch. 4. 
themselves to examine their validity, and to try what 
ground they stood upon, they discovered them to be 
entirely without a foundation,—the mere baseless fa¬ 
bric of determined ignorance and self-conceit. And 
not less contrary to all common sense, reason, and 
justice, than to the most antientand indisputable Rights 
of the Bull Family, and the most solemnly established 
Customs and Laws of the Manor of Albion. 

But now those high Pretensions, which under the 
Stewardship of the Father existed chiefly in theory, 
and were mostly confined to mere Pretensions , Carlos 
attempted to put into full Practice. Nay, in some in¬ 
stances he even went beyond either the Practice or 
Pretensions of the most arbitrary of his Predecessors; 
as in the case of Navalgilt, Weightage, and Priceage ; 
and in the arbitrary imprisonment, cruel punishment, 
tortures, and mutilations, of those who opposed his 
Proceedings; but especially, in violating the solemn 
and express sanction he himself had so lately given to 
the Family’s positive and just demands by the Claim 
of Rights. ‘ , 


F F 2 





220 


Book 5. ch. 5. " Ch AP. V. 

Contents. —Carlos, compelled by the necessity of his Affairs, again as¬ 
sembles the Palaverium—which persists in demanding redress of 
Grievances, and remonstrating against the Encroachments of the 
Steward—and to shew how much they are in earnest prosecute to 
the Death his two principal Agents Don Strathford and Puff the 
Pash ion monger—whom Carlos with Steward i cal insensibility gives up 
to their Fate.—Carlos’s pretensions now much lowered—is fain to 
resign most of his presumptuous Usurpations. 

In this state of things, it could not be long before mat¬ 
ters must come to a crisis. Carlos seemed determined 
to proceed in his assumed Authority, and to set John 
Bull and all his Family at defiance ; he even seemed to 
think himself under no obligation to pay any regard to 
the concessions which he himself had made in the most 
formal and solemn manner. On the other hand the 
Leading Men in John Bull’s Family, having not only 
well examined the ground they stood upon, but also 
fully acquainted themselves with the sentiments of the 
Folk upon the Manor, and found them in their fa- 
vour—were hence conscious that they stood on good 
ground, and that they had ability, as well as will and 
right to maintain their cause; and were therefore de¬ 
termined to stand firmly to their Rights, and at once to 
vindicate themselves and their Posterify from the 
Usurpations and Encroachments of the Stewards. 

With all his usurped authority, and extorted con- 
Carlos again tributions, Carlos found he could not raise money to 
semb^e^s'^e amount of his necessities, without the sanction of 
hold Office?" Mrs* Bull’s Office. He was therefore obliged once 
more to assemble that Office. Which met not only 
in the same spirit, but consisted nearly of the same per¬ 
sons it had formerly done. 




221 


Mrs. Bull’s Office being thus met and ready to Book 5.cli.5. 
proceed to businessinstead of entering upon the 
supply of the Steward’s wants, the object for which he Which instead 
had assembled them, their first step was to vote a sum for (lie S(e\v- 
of money for the support of Sandy Ranger and his Ca- vale a llun 
ledonians, who were again up in defiance of the Steward, "4p!«s J an- 
and had even entered the Manor of Albion to brave ^"ca- 
him to his teeth. And so far were the Bull Family, 
oppressed and insulted as they had been by the Stew- "l*' 1 ?’ 
ard, from opposing, or repelling them, that they were ou Manor, 
rather disposed to encourage and invite them. This 
must no doubt have been highly provoking to Carlos; 
but it might also, had he been capable of any reason or 
thought, have convinced him of the desperate course he 
was running. He however thought it prudent at present 
to keep out of Sandy’s way. 

In the mean time, the Palaverium, instead of vot¬ 
ing money, set themselves to enumerate their Griev- —and then set 
ances, and to remonstrate against the insults they had 
received, and the perfidy of the Steward’s conduct to¬ 
wards them. In the present situation of Carlos’s af¬ 
fairs, he could not as usual dissolve Mrs. Bull’s Hous- 
hold Office; he therefore determined upon a most un¬ 
precedented step,—he sent some of his Officers even Carlos enters 
into Mrs. Bull’s House to seize certain leading persons House to 

^ • , seize bv force 

of the Office, who he knew were the principal sup- some of her 
porters of the Family cause ; but the doors were shut i?diTappoiiio 
and his Officers excluded. Upon this he took the still prudence^of 
more extraordinary step, of going himself in person to AIrs * 
seize them. But Mrs. Bull, not willing to depart en¬ 
tirely from that deference and respect with which she 
and the Steward had always treated one another, hear- 


themselves to 
enumerate 
their Griev¬ 
ances. 


222 


Book 5 . ch. 5. ing of Ins design, desired the obnoxious persons to 
■withdraw. When the Steward entered, every body 
rose up—Carlos looking round, and not seeing any of 
the persons he wanted, said, lie found the birds were 
flown—he then seated himself in the Chairman’s seat ; 
and all present, resenting this insult, left the room. 

Matters had never before proceeded to sucli per¬ 
sonal extremities between John Bull and his Steward; 
and the one depending on the imaginary extent of his 
Authority, and the other on Natural Reason and the 
Consciousness of his Rights, there appeared no bounds 
to the quarrel. Besides, that the present situation of 
Carlos’s Affairs could not permit him, as usual, to dis¬ 
solve Airs. Bull’s Houshold, it might be doubtful in 
Mrs. Bull’s or-their present spirit and disposition, whether they would 
lv declare— submit to be dispersed by the usual order. Especially, 
t be 6 only as they had about this time in the course of their re- 
the ^Family*, monstrances declared—that the whole Authority of the 
their win. 116 Manor, the whole Economy and Management of the 
Affairs of the Family, under John Bull himself, rested 
entirely with the two Chambers of Mrs Bull’s Houshold 
Office, as the Representatives of the whole Inhabitants 
of the Manor; and that the Steward was merely the 
Agent and Officer of the Family, intrusted by them, 
for the purpose of carrying their Will and Determina¬ 
tions into execution. 

Don strath ford But still unwilling to proceed to immediate extre- 

Carlos’s chief t 1 t 

Adviser, in- mities with the Steward himself, to convince linn liow- 
Capitui Fc-ever, how much they were in earnest, they indicted Don 
Treason "a- Strath ford, now his chief Adviser and Abettor in all his 
BuliFamii^usurpations and perfidy, of Capital Felony, and a con¬ 
spiracy against John Bull and the Family, in whose 


223 


behalf they were trusted. This Don Strathford was Back 5. ch. 5. 
the same person with that Wantworth, whom we have 
already mentioned as once, one of the ablest sup¬ 
porters—and next, one of the first deserters, and be¬ 
trayers ot John Bull’s cause. He was now become 
one ot the Titillates, and a Member of the Upper 
Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold. Affording a first 
instance of what is now so common,—of one promoted 
to nominal Honour for a thorough contempt of all real 
Honour—of one preferred to a seat in the Upper 
Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Office, for having most stea¬ 
dily betrayed his Trust, and displayed an entire want 
of all Principle, in the Lower Chamber of that Office. 

What they chiefly laid to his charge, beside abet- IlisAccusation, 
ting Carlos in all his Perfidy and Usurpations upon 
the Rights of the Family, was, his advising and incit¬ 
ing the Steward to seize into his own hands the whole 
Power and Possession of the Manor, and to compel 
John Bull and his Family to submit, vi et armis , V 
downright force and violence. 

This Wantworth, or Don Strathford, was, as has 
been said, a person of great abilities, and certainly of 
some virtues ; but the intoxicating draught of Ambition, 
the love of Power and Place, had subverted his prin¬ 
ciples, and finally proved liis ruin. And as he was the 
first Betrayer of the Cause of the Family, he was also 
the first victim of its vengeance ; for as his extensive 
capacity enabled him to become the more extensively 
pernicious, it was soon determined to make him an ex¬ 
ample. When he first changed his Party, Mr. Pynne, 
one of those he had left, told him his Fate in these words— 


224 


Book 5 . eh. 5. 6 Sir, you have left us ? but we will not leave you till we 
have hail your head off your shoulders.’ And he^ept 
his word. / 

Wantvvorth had now got titles and baubles, was 
stiled Don, and had a seat in the Upper Cfiarhber of 
the Palaverium. This Upper Chamber was itself the 
highest Court of Judgment on the Manor, and all the 
Members of it particularly claimed the Title of Don , 
and the privilege of being tried for all offences only by 
their own equals in this Court. In this Court, then, 
and before his Mates, did theforenamed Pynne and his 
Associates of the Lower Chamber Indict him. When 
brought to the Bar, the principal Charges laid against 
him were, his Abetting and Encouraging the Steward 
in his Usurpation and Encroachments on the Rights 
and Privileges of the Bull Family, and in seizing their 
Property without the Sanction of Mrs. Bull’s Office. 
These were facts that could not be denied. Ilis only 
Defence was, that he was engaged in the Steward’s 
Service, and acted by his Master’s Orders. But this 
Plea could avail him nothing ; as both he and his 
Master were engaged in John Bull’s Service, and were 
not only acting contrary to his orders, but were actually 
in a Conspiracy to oust him of his Manor, and to rob 
him of his Liberty. And it was proved against him, 
that on some occasions he had excited Carlos to carry 
matters to greater extremity than even he himself was 
disposed to do. Great efforts were made by Carlos to 
Condemned save him; and he made a most pathetic and interesting 
c'uted. X address to the Court in his own behalf,—but all was 
in vain. He was sentenced to death as a Traitor. 


225 


Few however thought that the above sentence Book 5. ch. 5. 
would ever be executed ; especially as no Capital 
Sentence could be put in execution on the Manor with¬ 
out an express warrant from the Steward ; and it was 
one of the Steward’s acknowledged Privileges, in par¬ 
ticular cases, to pardon condemned criminals. It was, 
therefore, concluded that he would never sijm the war- Se n tence and 
rant, for the Execution of one whose only crime was strathfortu. 
too much zeal and fidelity for his service. But the 
Lower Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Office eagerly de¬ 
manded the Execution of the Sentence, and refused to 
proceed to any other business till they were gratified in 
this. It is even said, that the unfortunate victim him¬ 
self wrote a letter to the Steward, advising him to sign 
the warrant for his execution, and to sacrifice him to his 
own more important Interests. This was no doubt ge¬ 
nerous ; but it might have been expected, and probably 
was expected, to have an effect directly contrary to 
what it imported. But the wretched Carlos, equally 
void of firmness and of honour, gave way and signed 

the Warrant.—Which was immediately Executed.- 

It would appear that the unhappy man did expect that 
even his own request against himself would, in this case, 
not be complied with; for when notice was given him 
of the Warrant being signed, and sent, for his Execu¬ 
tion, he discovered some surprise, and exclaimed— 

6 Let no man ever put confidence in the Faith or Friend¬ 
ship of Stewards 1* 

Next to this Strathforth, the Fashionmonger Puff 
had been the most forward to support and encourage 
Carlos in all his Usurpations and unwarrantable Prac- 

G G 


f 



226 


Look c* ch. 5. tices; he was accordingly the next victim demanded 
by the Leaders in Mrs. Bull’s Office. However ac¬ 
ceptable such a Sycophant as Puff might, even at this 
day, be in the Steward’s Office; out of doors, such a 
character with all its ludicrous mummery would be 
thought rather an object of contempt and ridicule, than 
of resentment or prosecution. But at that time the 
Form and Fashion of the Sunday Dress, or Holiday 
Suit, was really thought a matter of importance. And 
Contemptible this Puff while he introduced into it the most silly and 

Character, * 

and wretch-ridiculous foppery, affected to go about it with so much 

ed fate, of . 

Pufftheiash- solemn grimace, and important earnestness, that a 

lOBniou^ti. Beau at a Ball never seemed to make more account of 
the fine fancy of his New Suit, than he did of liis 
mummeries. Yet, had the poor prig confined his pre¬ 
tensions to these fopperies he might probably have 
escaped all serious danger. But not content with the 
functions of Master of Ceremonies, and Head Steward 
of Madam Bull’s Houshold, he must also be one of the 
most forward advisers and directors in the Steward’s 
Office. And as a mind so importantly intent upon tri¬ 
fles must be incompatible with any tiling generous, 
good, or great,—the highest aim of which he was ca¬ 
pable, was, that of establishing the absolute Power of 
the Steward; and especially by it, to obtain a sanction 
for all his own Mummery and Grimace. This, of en¬ 
couraging the Perfidy, and supporting the Usurpation 
of the Steward, to the subversion of the essential Laws 
and Customs of the Manor, was the principal charge 
brought against him. And of this he was found guilty, 
and was condemned to death accordingly. His fate 


227 


seems to have been little regretted by any party; the Book 5. ch.j. 
Steward bad indeed granted him a pardon, but alas ! 
by this time the Steward found himself fallen far below 
his Original Pretensions; and no regard was paid to it. 

It is much to be regretted, that either, the fate of 
these first victims to their Family in behalf of Steward- 
ical Usurpation, has not proved a warning to deter 
others from following their Example; or, that every 
one who has since followed the Example of their Per¬ 
fidy, has not also afforded an Example of their Fate. 

In which case how different would have been the fate 
and how reversed the reputation of a late wretched 
Major Domo,—who, like Wantworth, began his course 
as a most zealous advocate for the Eights of the Bull 
Family, and especially for the reform of those enor¬ 
mous abuses that had crept into Mrs. Bull’s Houshold 
Office ; and ended it as the most prompt and pernicious 
Tool of the Steward, in corrupting and debauching that 
Office, and the whole Bull Family.—Had the examples 
we have related been followed, instead of seeing statues 
erected to the memory of such a man, we should have 
seen him expiating his guilt on a Scaffold, and his me¬ 
mory held forth to everlasting Infamy and Contempt 
for Apostacy and Perfidy. 

It need scarce be observed, that by this time both The nd 

the Power, and Pretension, of the Steward were greatly sions of the 

lowered. Mrs. Bull’s Office had now assumed such iowered;and 

tit the Authori- 

Authority and Power, and the Folk on the Manor ty of Mrs. 

J ,, . Bull’s Office 

seemed so well disposed to support them in it, that proportiona* 

Carlos found it necessary professedly to resign much ol bl> ,a,se 

*• 

his former Pretensions. 


G g 2 


228 


Book b. ch. 5. The Levying of Navalgilt, of Weightage and 
Priceage, and the extorting of pretended Loans, were 
now all abolished by express Laws enacted for the 
purpose, and to which Carlos had given his direct and 
formal consent and sanction. The arbitrary and illegal 
Court of Star-hall with some others of the same nature, 
and introduced for the same pernicious purposes, were 
now also expressly abolished, by the Authority of the 
Palaverium confirmed by Carlos himself. And the 
attempts of the Steward to conduct and carry on the arV 
fairs of the Family and Manor without the Advice and 
Consent of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office, as had lately 
been done, was declared to be illegal; and a Law was 
enacted to secure its regular assembling and renewal 
once every three years.—The Decision of the Judges 
given in the case of Ifamglen—that exacting of Naval- 
gilt by the Steward was lawful,—-was now declared to be 
directly contrary to Law, and the Judges prosecuted 
and fined forgiying such a corrupt Decision, 


229 


\ » 

Book 5.ch. 8. 

Chap. VI, 


Contexts. —Carloshaving given up many of his Usurped Pretensions, 
permits Mrs. Bull’s Office to proceed in Business,—and the most 
disputed points being settled, all occasion of quarrel might seem to be 
ended—No setting bounds to ambition—The Palaverium now exceed 
the bounds of Moderation nearly as much as the Steward had for¬ 
merly done—proceed to open Quarrel, and prosecute one another at 

Law—Carlos Cast, Seized, Tried, Condemned, and Executed_- 

Short State of the Argument pro and con respecting his Character, 
Conduct, Trial, and Execution. 


These tilings being agreed upon, and settled by ex¬ 
press consent on both sides, it might have been thought 
that all quarrels and misunderstandings would have 
been at an end ; and that the Steward would have re¬ 
sumed the quiet exercise of his Office, and the Family 
and Folk on the Manor have returned to their ordinary 
pursuits and employments. And no doubt it ought to 
have been so. For though there yet remained many 
unreasonable and oppressive old claims and abuses of the 
Stewardship unredressed ;-~such as the Wardship of 
Heirs, giving them in Marriage, and some others. 

Which, though they had been solemnly abandoned, or re¬ 
gulated, by the Great Roll and other Charters; yet 
through the constant Usurping Character of Stewardism No settin<r ljni . 
had been again resumed, and acted upon as if they had jj* *° ^',‘7- 
never been abolished. But these were not of such an ur- U 0 ?’ Tl,e 

Palaverium 

<rent nature, but they might have waited redress in a regu- now scarce 

& 3 , , • , less P rone 

lar and deliberate way ; and the authority now possessed to exceed 

by the Lower Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Office, was such, than the 

that it could have found no difficulty in obtaining this been? rd had 

redress. But there is no fixing limits to ambition and 


230 


* 

Book5.ch.6. power once obtained; and Mrs. Bull’s Office seemed 
now scarce less disposed to exceed the bounds of mo¬ 
deration and right than Carlos himself had been. 

It is true, many of the concessions and securities 
For which, the mentioned above, Carlos had yielded with but a bad 
pSSdy nte of grace, and there was but too much reason to question 
them°* gl t V oo his Sincerity. He had formerly sanctioned the Claim 
pretence. a °f Rights i and no sooner had he received the supplies 
he wanted, than he violated every article of it, with¬ 
out the least apology, or compunction. A number of 
other instances of Perfidy, and contempt of all truth and 
honesty, with some secret intimations of resentment, 
and express declarations to his confidents that these 
concessions were only meant to temporize, till an op¬ 
portunity of revenge should arrive,—had now so 
ruined the credit and character of the Steward with 
the Squire, and almost with every person on the Manor, 
that it was thought, and with too much reason, that no 
dependence could be had upon his engagements, while 
he had power to violate them. And this too prevalent 
sentiment, was still further confirmed by some of 
Carlos’s confidental letters, that had fallen into the 
hands of the Palaverium ; in which he expressly de¬ 
clared, that lie waited but an opportunity, to disannul 
all that he had done, and to make them feel the effects of 
his vengeance. In short Carlos had now forfeited all 
confidence with the Family, and all opinion of his sin¬ 
cerity, integrity, or honour; the greatest misfortune 
that can befall one in his station. He had also lost all 
their regard and affection, and all opinion of his re¬ 
gard and affection for them. 


231 


These circumstances gave the Bull Family a fair B,>ok5.ch.6. 
pretence for still standing on the defensive, and requir¬ 
ing further security against the characteristic encroach¬ 
ments, and repeated perfidies of the Steward. The se¬ 
curity that they now chiefly demanded, was, that the 
Command and Disposal of the Defensive Bands, which 
hitherto had belonged to the Steward’s Office, should 
he entrusted to the Palaverium. 

These Defensive Bands were a certain proportion 
of the whole able-bodied male Inhabitants, chosen by 
lot for a limited time, to be trained to discipline and the 
use of weapons; for preserving the internal peace and 
good order of the Manor, and also when there should 
be occasion, for defending it from trespass and violence 
from without. This concession, with some others, the 
Palaverium demanded as a reasonable pledge of Carlos’s 
sincerity, and a security against his further violation of 
the Rights and Privileges of the Family ; but to this 
Carlos would by no means consent. 

All confidence and mutual regard between the 
Parties was now totally extinguished, and both sides 
seemed determined to bring the Cause to a full Deci- Proceed to du 

a , rect Quarrel 

sion by open and direct Quarrel and Lawsuit. And to and Law— 
this Issue it finally came. 

It would be too tedious to relate here, all the par¬ 
ticular steps that led to this event, and the many par¬ 
tial Trials at Bar, which took place in the course of the 
Process ; where the Verdict was sometimes in favour °^ TI ^ st St f l T rar ^ 
one side, sometimes of the other. Suffice it, that the 
Steward was at last cast in one great and decisive Ac- tion. 
tion; and in consequence ejected from the Stewardship, 


232 


Book 5. ch. 6. and stripped of all power, possession, and right, on 
the Manor.—This was such an event as might have been 
expected ; and what indeed must be, and ought to be, 
the case, whenever the Steward lias lost the confidence 
of his Employer, and the partiality and good opinion 
of the Folk on the Manor. And though in such cases, 
as on the present occasion, there will always be some, 
who, through policy or interest, will adhere to the Stew¬ 
ard ;—where the general sense is against him, this can 
only tend to make his and their ruin more sure and ir¬ 
retrievable. 

It had probably in the present instance been well for 
both parties had the matter stopped short of the Eject- 
Tried — Con- ment of the Steward. But not content even with that; 

Executed, the Palaverium seized his person, instituted a cri¬ 
minal Prosecution against him, and actually put him to 
death by a formal sentence of J udges appointed and 
commissioned to try him. 

The principal Charges brought against Carlos 
were,—That he, being only the Steward and Agent of 
John Bull, the depository of his affairs, entrusted to 
manage the Business and Concerns of the Manor of 
Albion, for the best interest of the said John Bull and 
his Family—had, in breach of the said Trust, betrayed 
the interest of his Employer, abused his confidence, 

and oppressed and plundered the Family.-That 

being solemnly engaged by his oath of Office, to con¬ 
duct the Business of the Manor, and the Affairs of the 
Family, in the established Courts, according to the 
Laws and Customs of the Manor of Albion he had* 
in violation of that oath, and in defiance of those Laws 





233 


and Customs, instituted Courts entirely of his own de- Book 5. ch. 6. 
vising, and tried Causes, not by Inquest of the Holders 
on the Manor and Liege Men of the Family ; but by 
mere tools and creatures of his own, his Houshold Ser- The Charges 
vants, or the Clerks and Scriveners of his Office : who gainftCarlotl 
knew, or regarded, no Law or Rule, but his mere Will 
and Pleasure,—hence, enormous Fines, and cruel and 
torturous Punishments, had been inflicted upon many 
of the most firm and faithful defenders of the Family 

Rights, and some had died under those inflictions.- 

In short that he had conspired to oust John Bull, his 
Employer, of his Manor and Estates, and to reduce 
him and his Family to the state of mere Feuditories 
and Vassals to their own Steward. And all this, first, 
by covin, chicanery, and perversion of Right; and at 
last, by openly and directly going to Law with his Em¬ 
ployer, and applying Mr. Bull’s own Money and 
Means to reduce him to dependance upon his Agent, 
whom he employed and paid for his services—in short, 
to possess himself absolutely of the Estates and Manor.— 

All these were matters of Fact, that there could be no 
difficulty in proving. The only matter of question 
could be—whether, these being strictly but breaches of 
Trust, the Family ought not to have been contented 
with depriving Carlos personally of the Trust, and of 
the Stewardship, and expelling him the Manor; with¬ 
out taking his Life, or entirely abolishing the Steward¬ 
ship.—And certainly, however the case may stand in 
strict Law or Justice, it were desirable they had done 
so; or else managed matters better than they did, when 
they took them into their own hands. But as in the 

n ii 



234 


Book 5. ch. 6. prosecution of this Quarrel there had been much ban¬ 
dying of parties on both sides ; who, whenever they 
met, in the true Bull-family Spirit, were sure to come to 
blows and violence. By these means, not only much 
waste and destruction of Property had been occasioned, 
but even many Lives had been lost—all which was laid 
to the charge of the Steward, the first Wrottg-doer, as 
direct Violence and Murder. 

Carlos, in uniformity with his other high Preten- 
Carios declines sions, refused to acknowledge the Authority of the 
iity (ff Ut the Court that was to try him. Pretended, absurdly 
disci r airas a aii enou §h, that the whole Folk on the Manor were his 
iiesponsibi- y assa ] s? a t his disposal, and answerable to him ; while 

he himself was answerable to no Power upon Earth 
for any part of his conduct. To plain Reason and 
Common Sense, such Pretensions, especially on the 
Manor of Albion, might induce a suspicion, that 
Carlos’s misfortunes encountering with his pride, had 
somewhat deranged his reason. But perhaps the usual 
presumption of the Stewardical Character, together 
with our constantly occuring sentiment.— Rarus est 
ferme sensus communis in ilia fortuna —may be suffici¬ 
ent to account for the phenomenon. The truth is, to 
such an extent had the Power and Pretensions of Stcw- 
found ardism been streched on Terrafirm, and so absurd and 
dcmne^-and extravagant w ere the ideas endeavoured to be propa- 
>,xecuted. g a ^ e j 0 f the Office, that even such enormous Claims 
were at this time no ways singular. But what must 
appear really astonishing, there have since been found, 
and perhaps may now be found, even on the Manor of 
Albion, and pretending to be of John Bull’s Family, 


i 


235 

\ 

some who Lave endeavoured to defend this absurd and Book 5. ch. 6. 

monstrous Position in all its extravagance.-Carlos 

was however found Guilty, Condemned, and Executed. 

In pure and abstract reason and justice, there can 
be no doubt but Carlos was guilty of fraud, covin, and 
treachery, agairjist his Master and Employer; and that 
he really intended to make himself Lord of the Manor, 
and reduce John Bull and his Family to dependence 
and Vassalage. If any apology can be found for 
him, it must be sought in the absurd opinions of the 
times, and the presumptuous character of Stewardism, 
and couduct of Stewards, in the Country round. Cer¬ 
tain it is, apologies have been attempted. And as his 
Family were afterward for a short time restored to the 
Stewardship, all the Records of that period, and most 
of them even to this day, will be found more than suffi¬ 
ciently partial to the Steward’s side; and are to be 
read with great caution and circumspection. Some 
even go so far as to ascribe to Carlos all the Merits oi a 

Martyr, and all the Magnanimity of a Hero.-But 

the business of these memoirs is to relate Facts, not to 
decide opinions. 


} 


H II 2 



Book b, ch. 7. 


Chap. VII. 


Contents. —On the Death of Carlos his Family flee the Manor—The abr 
surd Maxim, The Steward can do no wrong , with respect to the Stew¬ 
ards, of most pernicious and fatal tendency. 


Upon the Trial and Execution of the Steward, his fa¬ 
mily fled, or were expelled the Manor.. His eldest 
Son, also named Carlos, applied to all the Stewards of 
the neighbouring Manors for their assistance to recover, 
what he conceived to be his hereditary right; but with¬ 
out success. For these are a description of persons, 
who with high pretensions to sincerity, friendship, and 
generosity, know no feeling, passion, or principle, but 
their own interest: of course young Carlos, with abun¬ 
dance of compliments, professions, and promises, found 
nothing more. 


As to Carlos the Father, it may here be observed,— 
that his Conduct, his Catastrophe, and the Fate of his 
Family, sprung from his having adopted beyond all 


Carlos’s ^con- doubt and question this preposterous and pernicious 
tastrophe to Principle—That the Bull Family, and the Manor of 

tie ascribed . 

entirely to Albion with all upon it, existed only for the use and 
rous P posiSnj enjoyment of the Steward ; and that this was the sole 
Bun and°ail End and Object for which they were by nature and 


beion^toThe Providence destined, and to which they were to be ap- 
n'ouhe^tew 1 P^ ec ^ without any reserve or restraint—that every step 
ard to John that might tend to secure this end, he was warranted in 
taking; and that no honour, nor the most solemn en¬ 


gagement could lay any restraint upon him in doing so. 
How entirely he had adopted this principle appears 
from his perfect disregard to the Claim of Rights , from 
the moment he had sanctioned it, and obtained from the 


237 


Palaverium the money he wanted—from his signing the Book 5 .ch. 7 . 
Warrant for the Execution of Strathforth, his best and 
most faithful Friend,condemned merely for his fidelity 
to him,—and from the deliberate determination, ex¬ 
pressed in his confidential letters, to violate every secu¬ 
rity he had most solemnly given to the Family, when¬ 
ever lie should find himself in a condition to do so. 

t 

There is a most Absurd and Pernicious Maxim 
acknowledged on the Manor—viz .—That the Steward 
can do no Wrong —this may simply imply, what, ac¬ 
cording to the Constitution and Custom of the Manor, 
is strictly true—That the Steward, though entrusted The pernkd- 
with high Powers, has no Power or Authority given him The Steward 
to do Injustice, Wrong, or any thing contrary to Law.— wrong— the 
But Stewards and their flatterers, in defiance of reason Jjjj™ an 0 f 
and common sense, choose to understand it to imply— of e s?ewards! 
That whatever the Steward does is Right, and irreprov- 
ablc—above all law and censure—or, that only the 
Clerks and Scriveners in his Office are answerable for 
whatever he may do. This Maxim, so understood, 
however contrary to both the Principle and Practice of 
the Manor of Albion, has been, and will be, the bane 
and ruin of every successive Race of Stewards who 
may adopt it. 


( 


238 


Book 5. cji. 8. Ch A P. TUI* 

L . I k ' y - • » • i ) i . i .■ j . J ; * . k « i 1 .“-V/ i 1/ ■ 5 » : A ?> 

Contexts. —The Palaverium assume tlie whole Management of the Manor 
and Family Affairs—soon supplanted by the Lawyers, who seize the 
whole Authority into their own hands—one of them, Noll Feign- 
yrell, at last by craft, and capacity, obtains a more absolute controj 
over the whole than ever the Steward had possessed—Conducts the 
Business of the Manor with good Policy, Vigour and Magnanimity— 
On his Death, by the Intrigues of one Lawyer Hocus, Carlos the Sou 
of the late Steward is restored. 


The Palaverium now took the Estate and Concerns of 


the Family into their own hands ; and it was declared 
that John Bull would conduct his own Business, and 
order the Affairs of the Manor without the intervention 


of a Steward. But alas! those rascally Lawyers who 


The Lawyers had carried on -the Lawsuit against the Steward, and 
Authority 1 of been the principle agents in bringing him to trial and 
and nun execution, now began to dictate to John Bull himself; 
Houshohjout Mrs. Bull’s Houshold and Office they soon fairly turned 


out of doors, and assumed the whole Management and 
Authority on the Manor into tlieir own hands. 

At the head of this insolent set of Lawyers was one 
Noll Feignwell, an artful, resolute, decisive Fellow; 
w ho from a very obscure situation, had, by his own con¬ 
duct and capacity, raised himself to the very first sta¬ 
tion in the Law Department, and to an almost absolute 


Noll Feign- Authority in the whole affairs of the Bull Family, which 

well —Ills VI" _ 

gorous con- he exercised under the Title of Defender of the Bull 
pacity. nd ^ Family Manor. And in this station, however attained, 
it must be acknowledged, he acquitted himself with con¬ 


siderable ability, and conducted the Business of the Fa¬ 
mily and Manor with more vigour, magnanimity, dis¬ 
interestedness, and zeal for the Honour and Interest of 
the Family, than any Steward who had ever borne the 





I 


239 

Office. And .it no time had John Bull’s Name and Book 5. ch. 8. 
Family been more respected in’the world, had more 
weight and influence with his Neighbours, or the Manor 
of Albion been more secure from trouble, intrusion, or 
tresspass from the surrounding Manors and their Stew¬ 
ards, than under this Noll; and though he was in 
many things arbitrary, and made his will too much the 
rule of his conduct, yet he did not much interfere with 
private right or property, or oppress individuals: and 
in the administration of Civil and Criminal Justice, he 
let the Laws and Customs of the Manor take their 
course. His greatest and most unpardonable abuse 
was the Suppression of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office. 

Thus, except for the Parties and Quarrels of the 
Lawyers among themselves, the Folk on the Manor 
lived tolerably quiet and contented; cultivated tlieit 
farms, minded their business, and left the Lawyers to 
settle their own quarrels. And particularly, some men 
of more vigorous and capacious minds, finding it dan¬ 
gerous to intermeddle in the public affairs of the Fa¬ 
mily, cultivated Knowledge, Science, and Taste, in 
private, and improved their comprehensive minds to a 
high degree of sublimity and perfection in retirement $ 
and hence became the*most distinguished Geniuses irv 
Poetry, Science, and Philosophy, that any country or 
age have produced. * 

Noll’s Power together with his Life was of short 
continuance ; but he died in peace and in the full pos¬ 
session of his Authority. His Station and Title passed 
nominally to his eldest Son Dick ; but he, having nei- 

* At this period sprung up a Milton, a Locke, a Newton, a Boyle, a 
Dryden, &c.—Pret. Com. 




240 


Book 5. ch. 8. ther Capacity nor Inclination to support it, soon volun¬ 
tarily resigned it. 

Upon Dick’s Resignation, the Remains of Mrs. 
Bull’s last Office assembled themselves, and endea¬ 
voured to assume the Authority of the Family, and the 
Management of the Affairs of the Manor; but the 
Lawyers soon once more dispossessed them, and took 
the Power into their own hands. 

In the mean time, one Lawyer Hocus, to whom 
Noll had committed the Management of the Caledo¬ 
nian Manor, becoming jealous of his brothers of the 
Profession in Albion, and taking his journey southward 
Lawyer Ho- with a whole train of Bailiffs and Banditti at his heels, 

CllS ^ 

terous de-soon arrived in John Bull’s Manor. Under his aus- 

imv, U by F art pices the Old Palaverium were once more permitted to 

procures'^theassemble and assume the appearance of Authority. 

Restoration^ rji^g fj ocus was a deep designing impenetrable Fellow. 

Carlos. 4 nc j as jj e a ff ec ted to act under the Authority of the 
Family and Mrs. Bull’s Office, no one dared to ask him 
any questions. Of those of his own Profession on the 
Albion Manor some joined him, and the rest were in¬ 
sufficient to oppose him. Of his own particular schemes 
he made no discovery, but implicitly obeyed all or¬ 
ders given him by the Palaverium; though the Pala¬ 
verium itself was not without suspicions of his designs. 
To put his fidelity to the utmost test, as they supposed, 
they put him upon some very awkward and rather un¬ 
pleasant service; such, as to force the habitations, and 
break up the doors of some of the principal Mansions 
on the Manor, with the Owners of which they affected 
to be displeased. All which lie obeyed implicitly, 
and executed completely. At last having in the per- 


' 241 


formance of these orders got a pretence to bring all his Book 5. ch. 8. 
Bailiffs and Bullies about him, and in the Neighbour¬ 
hood of the Palaverium ; he surrounded their House 
at once, and even the Chamber where they met, with 
liis Followers. He then plainly told them that they 
were not the rightful Representatives of the Bull Fa¬ 
mily, nor did they constitute Mrs. Bull’s Legitimate 
Houshold Officethat they had been chosen for three 
years only, and had themselves voted themselves per¬ 
petual, without the consent of the Family—that they 
were now but the mere Remains of that Houshold Of¬ 
fice which had been originally chosen; the greater 
part of whom were dead, or had left the Manor, without 
their places ever having been supplied. He, therefore, 
advised them to send forth orders for the free choosing 
of a New Houshold Office, and so, to disperse them¬ 
selves and leave that new chosen Houshold with the 
consent of John Bull, to settle the Affairs of the Fa¬ 
mily and of the Manor. This advice was given with 
too much reason to be disputed ; and by one who was 
too much in a condition to compel obedience, to be re¬ 
sisted : it was therefore implicitly obeyed. 

In the mean time Hocus had carried on a Corres¬ 
pondence with young Carlos, the Son of the late Stew¬ 
ard ; and the Family being sick of the confusion and 
disorder that had so long subsisted on the Manor; and 
hoping that the Steward’s Family, taught by experi¬ 
ence, would now know themselves and their station 
better, and act with more honesty and moderation— 
the choice of Representatives ran much in favour of the 
expelled family. And soon after the meeting of the 
Office, by the influence of Hocus, they voted the re- 

ii 


242 ' 


Book 5 , tk. g. vi ving of the Stewardship, and the Restoration of young 
Carlos, with very few limitations or restrictions. 

Carlos had already written to Hocus, to John 
Bull, and to the Palaverium, promising the most strict 
attention to their Rights and Privileges, and perfect 
freedom with respect to their Holiday Dress, and all 
such Matters ; which at that period were thought of no 
small importance. And, with a few exceptions, impu¬ 
nity and oblivion were also promised to all who had 
been engaged against his Father. All which points be¬ 
ing adjusted, Carlos returned to the Manor, and resumed 
the Stewardship with eclat and general acclaim. 




* 






BOOK VI. 



Chap. I. 

r 

Contexts.—T he Stewardship of the Second Carlos—A most profligate 
Steward—and most perverted Stewardship — Sells Ecclesdown to 
Lewis Baboon—and even agrees, for a pension to he paid by the said 
Lewis, to betray to him the Interest and Safety of the Albion Manor 
and Bull Family—During this Stewardship Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Of¬ 
fice still maintains its integrity, and supports the Interests of the 
Family. 

By this precipitate Restoration, as it too often happens 
on such occasions, through the eager desire of a few 
to ingratiate themselves with the new Steward, and 
by their admitting him without due conditions legally 
sanctioned, all the fruits and effects of a long and suc¬ 
cessful struggle, at the expence of much trouble, trea¬ 
sure, and even life, were defeated, and done away as it 
were in an instant. 

That a few of the surviving Actors in the late scenes, 
especially some who had been most forward in urging 
on the Fate of the wretched Carlos, should be sacriilced 

11 2 


/ 


Carlos restored 
with few Li¬ 
mitations.— 
Proves a 
most Profli¬ 
gate Charac¬ 
ter, and Per- 
fidous Stew* 
ard. 


i 




244 


Book 6. cli. 1. 


A singular In¬ 
stance of im¬ 
potent Stew 
ardical Re¬ 
venge* 


as Victims to the Manes of those whose death they had 
procured, was not to be wondered at; but, that Noll 
and some others, who by death had given them the slip, 
were, in spite of the disgusting nauseousness of the un¬ 
dertaking, dug out of their graves, hung up on Gibbets 
at the Common Place of Execution, and afterwards 
buried under these Gibbets, was surely an uncommon 
instance of weak malice, and impotent revenge. Espe¬ 
cially, as however equivocal their principles, Noll was 
certainly a man of capacity, and had a better claim to 
the designation of a great Man, than most of those whom 
History has dignified with that appellation. And how¬ 
ever doubtful his pretensions to religion may be, he 
has certainly as good a claim to the title of a saint, as 
the late Steward to that of a Martyr : in conferring of 
which, I doubt Madam Bull gave a better proof of her 
Policy, than of her Piety or good Sense. But these ex¬ 
travagancies took their rise in the character of the im¬ 
mediately succeeding times; when the current run so 
strong in favour of Stewardism, that Madam Bull, in 
spite of her own good understanding, by the Syco* 
phantism of a few of the most unworthy of her Domes¬ 
tics, was carried along with the stream. And no doubt, 
the usage she had met with from the opposite party 
during the Quarrel, might in some degree have biassed 
her sentiments. 

Perhaps it may not be amiss to add here a few 
words more particularly concerning the treatment of 
this Venerable Matron; who during those Quarrels and 
Squabbles between her Family and the Steward, had 
been much neglected and very ill used by the Family; 
and indeed stripped of her jointure, her Holiday Dress 




245 


slighted and disused, and herself turned out of doors. Book6.ch.l. 
All this had happened as we Lave said principally by 
the influence of the well known Jack, one of the three — 2 f n> J v T Iin 
celebrated Brothers, but professedly, Peter’s greatest ther-and the 
enemy. Jack had at this time become a great favou- Brother Jack, 
rite with the Bull Family. We have already men¬ 
tioned Sandy of Caledon’s dispute with Carlos about 
Puff’s Sunday Dress, and his great fondness for his own* 

Of this Dress of Sandy’s, Jack was reckoned the In¬ 
ventor ; and as it allowed great room for the display of 
ingenuity and fancy, the whole Caledonian Family 
were highly prejudiced in its favour. But not only the 
Caledonian, but even the Bull Family, seem at this time 
to have conceived a mighty fancy for Jack’s new-fash¬ 
ioned Suit.* And in this Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office 
itself led the way. Indeed there seems at this time to 
have been no good understanding between Mrs. Bull 
and her Mother-in-law. The old Lady was perhaps 
suspected of being too partial to the Steward’s Party ; 
and the solemn Fopperies of Puff, her Domestic Stew¬ 
ard, had tended to bring her into neglect and disrepute 
with the Family ; though it does not appear that she 
at all favored those Mummeries. But as the Holiday 
Dress had always been settled and regulated by Madam 
Bull’s Chief Domestics, with the advice, or consent, of 
the Steward, it is no wonder that she shared in the con¬ 
tempt and neglect which they incurred. And Sandy 
Caledon having constantly, during the Quarrels arid 
Lawsuits, taken the part of the Bull Family against the 
Steward, this induced a partiality in the Family for his 


* JPresbyteriauisua.—Bret. Com. 




246 


Book 6. cli. 1 


/ 


Holiday Suit and Jack’s fine fancies, which Sandy was 
eager to recommend. 

But this humour did not continue long to predomi¬ 
nate in the Bull Family, for there suddenly sprung up, 
especially among the Lawyers and in Mrs. Bull’s Of¬ 
fice, a new set, who rejected all uniformity of Sunday’s 
Dress, and maintained that every one had a right to 
dress in what form or fashion he pleased, on Sundays 
as well as on other occasions. Of the curious Fancies, 
and Ludicrous Extravagancies in Dress, of some of this 
set, it might be amusing to give an account, were we 
here at leisure to do it; but their distinguishing trait was 
an awkward unseemly superfluity of Dress, and even an 
affectation of ornament, while yet their nakedness was 
scarce decently covered. This Party soon carried 
every thing before them, the great Noll himself being 
at their Head. And this was the Party that finally 
brought Carlos to his Fate; while Sandy, Jack, and 
their Party, strongly protested against it. But when 
young Carlos was reinstated in the Stewardship, John 
Bull’s Mother, to whom he was not undeservedly a little 
partial, was also very properly restored to her House, 
Lands, and Jointure;—and uniformity of Sunday 
Dress was enjoined, and soon enforced with much ri¬ 
gour ; and this not without great perfidy and injustice 
on the part of Carlos, towards the Nonconformables or 
Noncons, as they were then called; to whom, at the 
time of his Restoration, being then a powerful Party, 
he had great obligations; and to whom lie then found 
it convenient to make great promises, and to give strong 
assurances of indulgence and liberty in these matters ; 


247 


■which, like most Stewardical Engagements, were no Book 6. ch. l. 
longer regarded than the necessity under which they 
were made existed. 

But as w r e have said, the Bull Family in general, 
being tired out with confusion and disorder, and dis¬ 
gusted with Lawsuits, and the Roguery and Selfishness 
of Lawyers; and entertaining high hopes that the Son, 
warned by the fate of the Father, could not fail to prove 
a distinguished Example of Fidelity, Moderation, and 
Justice,—acquiesced heartily, and without suspicion, 
in his Restoration to the Stewardship. And had the 
New Steward had one spark of true Wisdom, of Ho¬ 
nour, or of Honesty, in his whole composition, the event 
might have been permanently happy for both Parties. 

But never were such reasonable hopes so miserably dis¬ 
appointed, as those that were entertained of the debased, 
and incorrigible Carlos ;—nor ever fate more disastrous, 
yet more deserved, than that of the infatuated and 
wretched Family.-But of that in its order. 

The present Carlos was not by nature entirely desti¬ 
tute of Abilities, nor perhaps incapable of virtue ; but 
all his Faculties, his Character, his Nature, and Being, 
were so thoroughly perverted by a false education, and 
the absurd notions and principles at that time preva¬ 
lent, concerning the Divine, indefeasible, unbounded, 

Right of Stewardism,—the fruit of that pernicious 
Maxim, that Stewards can do no JVrong —that nothing 
was with him more indisputable, than that John Bull, 
his Manor, his Family, and all that they Possessed, 
were entirely his, and intended by God and Nature 
solely for his Gratification and Enjoyment. And that 
they were all to be sacrificed to the least of his Follies 



248 


Book 6.ch. i. or Humours. Carlos indeed had no great, or violent 
Passions to Satisfy, and scarce aspired at any thing 
above the mere animal and sensual Gratifications ; but 

i 

to these he set no bounds. 

The Steward having imbibed those high ideas of 
the unlimited extent of his own Office and Authority; 
and John Bull having on the other hand, sufficiently 
During ^asserted his own Station and Rights, and shewn that he 

Stewardship y 

—a constant had both will and power to maintain them—there was 
struggle be- 

tween the through the whole of this Stewardship a constant strug- 
signs of S the gle between the consciousness of Right, on the one side, 
the determi- and a determined purpose to elude, and subvert that 
John" Bull Right, on the other. But in spite of this determination, 
jjg Bights?* 0 Carlos found himself obliged expressly to renounce 
many of his pretensions. It is true, this cost him less 
struggle, than it would have done a man of more prin¬ 
ciple or honesty, as, like his father, he reckoned himself 
perfectly at liberty to resume those renunciations, how¬ 
ever solemnly made, whenever his conveniency should 
require, and his power enable him to do so. So far in¬ 
deed was he blinded by the opinion of his own absolute 
and unlimited Power, that he openly professed, that he 
could be bound by no obligation or sanction ; nay, that 
he had a power to dispense with, and set aside, all the 
fixed Laws, Customs, and Sanctions of the Manor, 
whenever his Will, Interest, or Conveniency, should 
require it. 

Among the assumed Pretensions which the Stew- 

t 

ard was at this time obliged to resign, were all those 
connected with and depending upon that Notion or 
Maxim assumed under the Usurpation of Guillam Nor- 
world—that all the Land on the Manor of Albion be- 


249 


longed to the Steward, and were held of him. It is true Book 6. ch. 1 . 
most of these Pretensions had been long ago renounced 
by the Great Roll; but such is the propensity of that 
description of men to disregard every obligation that 
interferes with their will, that these renunciations seem 
to have been entirely forgotten; as was indeed almost 
the whole of that Instrument, so important to the 
Rights, Liberties, and Privileges, of John Bull’s Fa¬ 
mily. And to the well-grounded Jealousy, and unre¬ 
mitting zeal of the Folk on the Manor in general, and 
of Mrs. Bull’s Office in particular, during this Steward¬ 
ship, the Bull Family owe the renewal and complete 
establishment of their Liberty and Privileges, upon 
foundations, which, however they may be, and daily 
are, artfully eluded and treacherously undermined, can 
never again be professedly disputed, or openly attacked. 

But of all these securities, perhaps the most uni¬ 
versally interresting, is that which protects the Person 
of every Inhabitant of the Manor from Arrest and Con¬ 
finement, by the Steward, his Agents, or any Person or 
Power whatsoever, without open and immediate en¬ 
quiry, and due cause shewn before a lawful Magistrate. 

This important point,which, though expressly sanctioned 
by the Great Roll , had been so often, and so shamefully 
violated, was now established by a special and appro¬ 
priate Law, called the Body-bringing Law . By which 
any Magistrate to whom application shall be made, 
shall order by writ the Person in whose Custody any 
man is confined, to bring his Body or Person before the 
said Magistrate ; who, if just cause for his confinement 
cannot be shewn, shall immediately set him at Liberty, 
even though committed by the order of the Steward 

k k « 


j 


250 


Book 6.ch. l. himself, with all his special advisers. And against 
those who may have confined him, he may have re¬ 
dress by an Action at Law. 

It is true, these Securities and Privileges were scarce 
sooner made than again violated by Carlos, and still 
more avowedly by Yagob, his successor, in consequence 
of that Divine Indefeasible Right, by which they 
claimed to be above all Laws and Obligations. But 
John Bull had now made full proof of his own strength ; 
and soon convinced these wretched dupes of their Folly 
and Presumption. 

One great source and incitement to these violations 
with Carlos, was, the constant want of money, through 
his own carelessness, and profusion upon the objects and 
instruments of his Pleasures and Debaucheries, and by 
the unprincipled Profligacy and Perfidy, of those whom 
Carlos sells the he intrusted with the affairs of his Office and of the 
Hamlet ofManor.—One most pernicious instance of this perfidy 
^Le^^Ba-both in him and them, in order to procure money, was 
boon * the selling of the celebrated Hamlet of Ecclesdown to 
Lewis Baboon. Of the importance of this Place in 
John Bull’s estimation, some notion may be formed from 
the extravagance of his joy on the temporary recovery 
of it, as so inimitably described in Sir Humphry 
Polsworth’s well-known History of John Bull’s Law* 
suit. 

Every body knows the constant jealousy and fre¬ 
quent quarrels that take place between John Bull and 
Lewis Baboon and his Franks ; and in all these Quar¬ 
rels, the possession of Ecclesdown by the one, or, by the 
other, is a matter of the greatest importance. This 
Hamlet lately belonged to Lord Strut’s Estate, but a 




Recovery at Law under the Management of old Noll Book 6 ch.f, 
had been obtained in favour of John Bull, in whose 
possession it had since continued. 

The Manor of Great Albion, comprehending the 
Estates of John Bull and Sandy Ranger, as has been 
before noticed, is everywhere surrounded with water. 

Ontheopposite Land, at the place where it approaches 
the nearest to John Bull’s Manor, stands this Hamlet of 
Ecclesdown, the principle object of which is a good 
Port for Watercraft, and a strong Castellated Mansion, 
built in the old manner when every gentleman made 
his House a Castle. Here it was customary whenever 
a quarrel broke out between the Lords of the opposite 
Manors, to get together under the protection of this old 
Castle a parcel of determined desperate fellows, who 
were ready, whenever they could find an opportunity, 
to cross the water, and to commit waste, devastation, The import- 
and plunder, on the opposite shore. But especially, Bull’s hoid- 
as John Bull in consequence of the situation of his Hamlet, in 
Manor carries on a great deal of business and traffick of' it^snuu- 
by water—and even the Persons and Produce of the t,on * 
Manor pass generally by this mode of conveyance from 
one part of it to another—the consequence is, that this 
Old Castle being in Lewis’s Possession, he keeps here 
a number of Boats and Barges strongly manned and 
armed by those daring fellows; who, whenever a Ves¬ 
sel appears on the opposite shore, pop out, seize, and 
make prize of her. Nay so inviting is the situation, 
that even private individuals, tempted by the prospect 
of gain, at their own expence fit out Prows for this pur¬ 
pose, and reckon upon making their fortunes out of 
the plunder of John Bull’s Trade and Manor. In 

k k 2 


252 


Eook 6. ch. l. short, of so great importance is the Possession of this 
Place to John Bull, that he may lose more in a morn¬ 
ing by its being in Lewis Baboon’s hand, than the va¬ 
lue for which the rascally Steward sold it; though that 
The pernicious was no small sum : for Lewis was well aware of the im- 

tendency of _ _ 

the Sale of portance of his purchase ; nor was he who sold it igno- 

Ecclesdown. 

rant how deeply he had betrayed the interest of his Em¬ 
ployer. But to the base unprincipled Carlos that was 

a matter of no concern.—It is even certain that a pro- 

' \ 

posal was made by Lewis, and entertained by Carlos— 
that Lewis should send him such a number of Lawyers, 
Bailiffs, Bullies, and Banditti, as, together with his own 
Partizans on the Estate, should enable Carlos to make 
himself entirely Master of John Bull and his Manor, 
and reduce the Squire and his Family to his antient 
state of vassalage and dependence on his Steward. In 
which state, indeed, Lewis himself held the People on 
the Manor of Frankland;‘and which was in fact the 
state of almost every neighbouring Manor. But Car¬ 
los, who knew John Bull a little better than Lewis 
could do, was somewhat doubtful of the success of this 
experiment: certain it is, the matter dropped into si¬ 
lence. But it is a fact equally certain, that the de¬ 
based Carlos actually received a yearly Pension from 
Lewis Baboon for the support of his Pleasures and 
Debauchery, and as a price for the habitual betraying 
of his Master and Employer. 


253 


ClIAP* II* Book 6. ch.2» 

Contents.— The Stewardship of the Second Carlos continued—Shocking 
atrocities committed on the Caledonian Manor to enforce the old in¬ 
vidious Holiday Dress—One Acrid, sent by the Caledonians to con¬ 
gratulate Carlos on his Restoration, and to secure them the use of 
their own Holiday Suit, betrays his Trust, returns Chief Master 
of Ceremonies and Fashionmonger for the Obnoxious Dress, and 
pledged to enforce the use of it—Instance of the most Shocking Cru¬ 
elty exhibited on this occasion—All Parties pretend to Sanction the 
Form of their Holiday Dress from the formerly mentioned Will of 
the Lord Paramount—though there is not in the whole Will one Sin. 
gle Word about the Fashion or Form of Dress. 

Perhaps the most atrocious display of the profli¬ 
gacy of Carlos’s Character, and of his utter contempt 
and disregard both of Justice and Humanity, is to be A new attempt 
found in the renewed attempt to force upon the Cale- Sandy Cale¬ 
donian Family the Old Invidious Sunday Dress. Bull Fami- 

It has been observed, that when Carlos was re-ad- Dress^ UUd y 
mitted to the Stewardship, the Good Old Lady John 
Bull’s Mother was also restored to her House and 
Jointure. This was just, and naturally to be ex¬ 
pected ; as she had always been a true friend to the 
Steward’s Cause and Family. And this, not from 
any approbation of his enormous Pretensions, and his 
unwarranted Assumption, and exercise of arbitrary and 
unlimited Power ; but from her natural love of peace, 
order, and decency. With Madam Bull’s Restoration, 
to her House and Jointure the Old Established Holiday 
Dress was generally resumed on the Bull Manor. But 
on the Caledonian Manor the Introduction of this al¬ 
ways obnoxious Dress was not so easy a matter; espe¬ 
cially after they had been so long habituated to Jack, s 
fanciful and favorite Dress. However, Carlos was de¬ 
termined at all events to carry his point, and to eniorce 


254 


■* 


Book 6 . ch. 2. the Bull Sunday Dress upon Sandy and his Family. 

No person could be more indifferent about Sunday, or 

. 

Sunday’s Dress, as to the thing itself, than Carlos was; 
it would have been a matter of no concern to him what 
Sunday’s Dress people wore, or whether they wore any 
Dress, or kept any Sunday at all. But the point to be 
overcome, was, this Pretension of people to think at all 
for themselves, or to have any will or choice in their 
own concerns. A propensity to which the Folk on the 
Caledonian Manor have always been extremely ad¬ 
dicted . 

The formerly frustrated attempt, to impose on the 
Caledonian Family the Old Ready-made Albion Sun- 
dy’s Dress, was again renewed ; and excited great con¬ 
tempt and indignation in the whole Family ; the majo¬ 
rity of which were resolved on no terms to receive it. 
What is called the Better Sort and even the Titulates 
of the Caledonian Family, seem at this time to have 
been sunk into an unusual state of indifference and 
abjectness. Old Noll had entirely subdued them and 
broken their spirit; and the antient high and unbend¬ 
ing Character of the Titulates seems to have quite for¬ 
saken them; and some of them were ready and emulous 
to be the tools of the profligate Carlos for his most per¬ 
nicious purposes. But the case was far otherwise with 
the Folk on the Manor in general. And this of their 
Holiday Dress was with them a point of great import¬ 
ance; as being a matter that every one thought him¬ 
self concerned in; and of which every one thought 
himself a competent judge. And indeed the mere 
Form of Dress being a matter level to the general com¬ 
prehension, and in itself of no great consequence, it 


255 


were perhaps but reasonable, or at least prudent, that Book 6. ch. 2. 
some deference should be paid to the Popular Taste in 
such a point; and surely peace and good order were 
cheaply purchased by such a concession in the Form ; 
so it be decent, and the suit consist of good sound well- 
wearing materials. 

But Carlos, having got about him a few of the most 
unprincipled and profligate of Sandy’s Family, con¬ 
signed to them the whole ordering and management of 
the Caledonian Manor and Affairs. In chief trust and 
confidence among these, was one Acrid, eminently dis¬ 
tinguished for the perfidy of his Character, and the 
most tried and approved contempt of truth, honour, A ^eop 0 "fs—bis 

and trust. This Acrid was originally one of the Dress- infamous Cha- 

° J racter,& per- 

inakers, or Sunday Suit Tailors, on Sandy’s Manor, fidiousBreucii 
and had been sent by the Family, and particularly his 
own Fraternity, as their Delegate to congratulate Carlos 
on his Restoration, and to take care of the interests of 
Sandy’s Family ; and especially, to see that no inno¬ 
vation was attempted in the Matter of the Holiday 
Suit. And as they were aware of the partiality of 
Carlos for the Bull Family Dress, Acrid was particu¬ 
larly charged to protest, and obtest, against all propo¬ 
sals for its admission on the Caledonian Manor. 

This Commission and Trust, Acrid most infamously 
and perfidiously betrayed. And he even had the as¬ 
surance to return to his Constituents with the Character, 

Office, and Insignia, of Chief Fashionmonger, and 
Contractor for the establishment of the Bull Family 
Sunday’s Dress on. the Caledonian Manor; and so¬ 
lemnly pledged to see it enforced, and received by the 
whole of Sandy’s Family. Besides the treachery of 


256 


Book 6. cli. 2 


\ 


. their Agent, the Caledonian Family had the greater 
reason to resent, and resist this treatment, that Carlos 
himself, when expelled the Albion Manor, after his Fa¬ 
ther’s death, was hospitably received by them, and ac¬ 
knowledged Steward of the Manor, and assisted in at¬ 
tempting to recover the Manor of Albion, and had even 
actually assumed the Caledonian Holiday Dress, and 
solemnly sworn to use, establish, and maintain it on the 

Manor.-But at that time Old Noll soon drove him 

off the Premises; and he was glad to escape with his 
life. 

Acrid with some others, having, as we have said, 
received a commission and authority from the Steward 
to see the Old Detested Sunday Dress introduced, and 
established on the Caledonian Manor, set about en¬ 
forcing it with great earnestness and obstinacy. And 
with no less obstinacy and earnestness did the Caledo¬ 
nians set themselves to resist it. But it was in vain, 
that they urged, as an objection,—that the Ma¬ 
terials of the Dress were too slight and cold for their 
climate, that the fashion of it neither suited their figure 
nor their fancy—and that many professed, that they 
would rather go in rags or stark naked, than admit such 
a Dress. All this was to no purpose; for Acrid and 
his Associates having always suits ready made by them, 
whoever they could seize upon, they would strip, and 
by main force thrust them into this New Dress. Many 
of whom, as soon as they could get out of their hands, 
would tear off their detested Trimmings with indigna¬ 
tion, and sculk in the fields and woods in old blankets, 
rags, and nakedness, rather than be seen in this ab¬ 
horred Dress. 



257 


As to the Dress not suiting their Figure or Form— Book 6. ch. 2 . 
it is true, neither the Fashion, Form, nor Size, were in 
any case to be altered; but for this there was a ready 
remedy prescribed in the Old Procrustian Practice; to 
which Acrid and his Colleagues had not the least aver¬ 
sion. Ihus, if the person was too short for the Dress, 
there were Engines to stretch him to the required stand¬ 
ard ; and if too tall, it was only chopping off the neces- Shocking Cru- 

J its elties of A- 

sary quantity at either end—if the body or limbs were end and his 
too large, they had Engines for squeezing them till they Codd j utoli ° 
should fit; particularly, if any one had too lusty a leg, 
they had an iron engine called the Bootikens, or Boots, 
in which by means of driving a wedge, the leg was 
squeezed often till the marrow burst through the bone, 
and the person fainted for pain,* and some actually 
died under these operations. As to cases where the 
Dress was only too large and full, it was held no ob¬ 
jection by these Fashion-mongers and their Fitters-on ; 
it was indeed rather reckoned a mark of gentility and 
gracefulness, that the Dress should hang some what 
loose and negligently upon them. 

By the above means, though they could not suc¬ 
ceed in driving the wretched Caledonians to receive the 
prescribed Dress, they succeeded in driving a great 
many of them into direct defiance of the Steward and 
his Authority. A step, for which, however they might 
be justified in point of provocation, they could by no 
means be justified in point of prudence. For this gave 
occasion for Acrid and his Coadjutors, with some pre¬ 
tence of law, to proceed to greater extremities with 


* This is a strict and literal fact. 



258 


Book 6. ch.2. them.—It was now made criminal in the highest degree 
for any number of persons in the Caledonian Sunday 
Dress to be seen together; so that they were glad to 
sculk and hide themselves in the fields and woods, 
where they were hunted and shot down like wild 
beasts; and it was lawful for any person to kill them 
whenever he could ; and great numbers of them were 
actually shot, and killed, by the Steward’s Sportsmen 
and Hunters. 

Nor were these shocking cruelties of the Steward 
and his Agents confined to one sex.—The Chief Article 
of this Dress was a kind of cloak or mantle that with 
little variation of form suited either sex; so that women 
as well as men were involved in the consequences of 
these barbarities : of which we shall relate one instance, 
that for atrocity cannot perhaps be matched in the me¬ 
moirs of mankind. 

An unparai- Two simple females, the one an old woman above 
stance *of 1 threescore, the other a young girl scarce twenty, were 
^eHberaTeTy both suspected of declining the imposed Dress, the Oldk 
perpetrated Woman seldom went abroad, and hence had little occa- 

upon two . 7 

harmless Fe- s ion to exhibit any Holiday Dress. The young one, 

jricilcS) for rc- 

fusing the with others of her family, had been noted for their un¬ 
prescribed 

Dress. conquerable contempt of the prescribed suit; and hence, 
she with a brother and sister both younger than herself, 
had been obliged to fly from their father’s house, and 
conceal themselves in the dens and caverns of the 
mountains and woods. One day, to get a little suste¬ 
nance, she and her sister yentured to visit this Old Wo¬ 
man, whom they knew to be a good humane-hearted 
person; when they were watched and betrayed. They 


✓ 


259 





were all three seized in the Old Woman’s House, in a Book 6. ch. % 
private plain old-fashioned family Dress,* and carried 
before some of the Steward’s Agents. The Younger 
Sister, being in a manner but a child, their Father was 
allowed to purchase her life for a hundred pounds. 

The Elder Sister and the Old Woman persisting to re¬ 
fuse the prescribed Dress, were both condemned to 
death. And the sentence was executed by a mode of 
Death that for wanton cruelty was never equalled by 
the most barbarous Tyrant, Jew, Heathen, or Anti¬ 
christian. They were tied to a stake at low water in 
the mouth of a River, to be dashed and drowned piece* 
meal by the returning tide. The Young Woman, after 
being awhile dashed about and sometimes suffocated, 
was taken out of the water, and urged to compliance ; 
and required to say God bless the Steward, and they 
would save her life; she replied that she wished all men 
blest—but that would not satisfy them. Her compa¬ 
nion then struggling under the immediate suffocation of 
death was pointed out to her, and she was asked—what 
she thought of that sight ? Her answ er discovered the 
utmost firmness and resolution in what she thought a 
matter of conscience. And she was again committed to 
the waves. At last in the agony of suffocation she was 
heard to cry out something, which the spectators said, 
was—Bless the Steward—and she was again taken out 
of the Water. But when recovered, she refused to con¬ 
firm what she was supposed to have said in her agony. 

So she was finally recommitted to the stake, and 
drowned. 

.. , ...... — --- — 

* Engaged in Family Worship.—Fret. Com. 

L h 2 


r 



260 


Book 6. ch.2 


/ 


. To these unfortunate persons and many others wan¬ 
tonly sacrificed about this Affair, nothing was imputed 
but their non-compliance with the prescribed Holiday 
Dress and denying the Steward’s Authority in the semat- 
ters. In the present instance particularly, the two per¬ 
sons were acknowledged to have been of a quiet, harm¬ 
less, innocent, and even pious, life and conversation. 
But it will be said, they were weak, wilful, and igno¬ 
rant,—and sacrificed their lives through mere obstinacy, 
in a matter of such indifference.—That they were weak 
and ignorant may perhaps be granted ; but that their 
opposition proceeded from mere wilfulness and obsti¬ 
nacy, can with no reason be affirmed. Every one the 
least acquainted with Human Nature knows how much 
the influence of custom, habit, and education, exceeds 
that of reason, argument, or authority, or even the 
love of life, on persons of a sanguine temper, with weak 
judgment, and strong imagination. By such an imagi¬ 
nation, the Sunday’s Dress was connected with the Sun¬ 
day’s Duties, and the Sunday’s Duties with the most im¬ 
portant interest of the individual and of society. And 
upon such an Association, enthusiastically embraced, 
was founded the perseverance and fortitude of those un- 
liappy Victims. 

But if we accuse those persons of weakness, delu¬ 
sion, and obstinacy, for sacrificing their lives in a mat¬ 
ter that we reckon indifferent,—what shall we say, or 
what shall we think, of the Steward and his execrable 
Agents,—who thus drove them to distraction and des¬ 
peration, and then put them to death ; for a matter that 
we know they held in itself perfectly indifferent. And 


261 


as to the end they proposed by it,—the subjecting every Book 6. ch. 2. 
thing, even the thought, mind, and soul, to the arbi¬ 
trary Will of the Steward,—it was worse than indif- Th ® execrabl « 
ferent; it was wicked, detestable, diabolical, damn- ll ?^ se Atro ~ 

7 7 7 cities. 

able! for which he and his Abettors justly merited his 
Father’s Fate ; and for which his successor and all his 
posterity were soon after deservedly expelled for ever 
from the Stewardship, and even from setting a foot on 
the Manor of Great Albion. 

As to this Matter of Holiday Dress, about which 

so much dispute and quarrelling has taken place, and 

so much mischief and misery has been occasioned, we 

will only observe—that all parties pretend to derive 

their Fashions from the celebrated and important Will All parties prc- 

we have formerly mentioned ; though not a syllable tiontheirHo- 

liday Dress 
from the 
Will of the 
Great Lord 
Paramount, 
—.ho’ (here 
is not in that 
Instrument 
one word 
about the 
of 

Dress.—All 


concerning Fashion or form of Dress is to be found in 
it; nor any preference for one. Holiday Suit above ano¬ 
ther to be inferred from it. All its Prescriptions and 
Sanctions are of a much higher and more important na¬ 
ture ; and concern the Life and Practice, the Manners 
and Character, and the Good Order and Happiness of Form 


the whole Family of the Testator. .But it especially en- its sanctions 

. , ,, are of a high- 

joins brotherly behaviour, peace, and love, among all e r Nature, 
who acknowledge its sanction, and claim relation to, 
or interest in, the Great Testator, or any benefit from 
his Will. Fashions and Forms, which some make so 
much account of, and would sanction from this Will, 
are but transiently and occasionally alluded to in it, 
without any censure or approbation of one in preference 
to another. 

But let us resume our more immediate subject, the 
Stewardship of John Bull's Manor for though the 


262 


Book6. ch. 2. Caledonian and Albion Manors were now under the 

J 

same Steward, their Laws, Customs, and Tenures were 
quite independent of one another, and varied consi¬ 
derably. Indeed no such shocking proceedings as have 
just been described could now have been exercised on 
the Bull Manor. The spirit of the Family and the 
Folk on the Manor, who better than any other People 
on Earth know their own Rights, and how to assert them, 
would have risen indignant at such an insult offered to 
their humanity, as those objects presented. Nor, in¬ 
deed, did the Caledonian Family, however much their 
spirit was at this time broken, bear these insults and atro¬ 
cities without indignation and resentment. But instead 
of rising in general resistance, and directingtheir efforts 
to restrain the Steward and his Agents, their resistance 
was partial, and their resentment could only touch his 
Agents individually; and the Steward himself, residing 
on John Bull’s Manor, was beyond their reach. 

One Instance however of this resentment is so 
notable, both for the Person on whom it fell, and the 
atrocious manner in which it was executed ; that I shall 
here briefly relate it. 

- 


I'J ■ .U*b;T U 


V 


26 3 


Ciiap. III. 


Book 6. cb. 3. 


Contents. The Stewardship of the Second Carlos continued—The Atro* 
cious Catastrophe of Acrid the wretched Fashionmonger—dragged 
from his Carriage and Murdered on the Highway in the middle of the 
da y Shocking Execution of H—eks—n of R—th—11—t, suspected to 
have been concerned in the Murder. 

We have already described Acrid the Chief Fashion- 
monger as the most forward instrument of Carlos’s op¬ 
pression and cruelty, especially in the matter of the 
Holiday Suit. This Caitiff, in the District where he lived The shocking 
had a subordinate Agent, one Carter-Michael, or Michael »f atas Amd, 
the Carter, who was extremely zealous in hunting down Andrcopolif 
the poor Noncons, as they were called, from their non- 
compliance with the prescribed Dress. This wretch 
had been accustomed to torture servants, and even wo¬ 
men and children, by tying their fingers together, with 
lighted matches between them, and burning them till 
they confessed where their Masters, Husbands, and Pa- 
rents, were concealed. In short he had been guilty of 
innumerable acts of violence and cruelty through the 
whole district of Fifia. 

A Party of persons of some distinction, most of 
whom had suffered or been insulted by him, had met 
one summer morning on horseback for a ride, and hear¬ 
ing that he was to be out a hunting that day—whether 
men or beasts does not appear—resolved to give him a 
morning’s salutation, and perhaps something more,— 
a little discipline with their horsewhips, or a gentle dip 
in the Eden, near the banks of which their excursion 
lay : and which at this pleasant season,—the beginning 
©f May,—might have been very wholesome, and noway 


Book 6. ch. 3. 


\ 


264 

dangerous. But they were disappointed ; probably 
lie kept a better look out than they did ; for he did not 
appear that day. But just as they were going to dis¬ 
perse and return to their homes, a boy coming by told 
them, as a piece of interesting news in the country, 
that Acrid the Great Fashionmonger and Prefect of 
Andreopolis, had breakfasted at Ceres-ville, the next 
town, and was just coming up in his Coach-and-six.—- 
The constant effect of suffering oppression and perse¬ 
cution for opinion and principle, is, some degree of En¬ 
thusiasm ; and the more the object is the fond creature 
of imagination and fancy, the more strongly has it 
power to work. In such a frame of mind the most ac¬ 
cidental occurrence is ready to be construed into a Di¬ 
vine Dispensation. Such was the impression that 
struck those enthusiastic minds on the present occasion. 
These persons had been waiting to inflict some revenge 
upon an inferior Agent, when the superior, the very 
source and cause of all their Suffering and Misery, to 
their astonishment, presents himself before them.— 
Some of them exclaimed — u The Lord hath delivered 
him into our hands ! ” 

It happened unfortunately for the wretched Pre¬ 
fect, that a noble Youth, connected with many of the 
best Families on the Caledonian Manor, going on a 
visit to an Old Lady, his Aunt, had been that very 
morning wantonly shot down by a party of his Licenced 
Men-hunters, within the scene of these Gentlemen’s Ex¬ 
cursion. This young man, himself on horseback, see¬ 
ing a party of men riding furiously at a distance, wish¬ 
ing not to fall in with them, whatever they might be, be¬ 
gan to quicken his pace ; when one of them quitted the 



265 



* 

rest and pursued liim; and without challenge, or ex- Book 6. ch. 3. 
changing a word, shot him dead, two balls passing 
througli his body; nor would they allow a Surgeon, 
though one presented himself, to examine his wounds 
before he expired. This no doubt, helped forward 
Acrid’s fate ; as did also perhaps, his own conscious¬ 
ness and fear; for on seeing a number of men on horse¬ 
back he called out to his Coachman and Servants to 
drive ! This left the Party no time to deliberate. One 
of them on a swift horse rode up and endeavoured to 
pass the Carriage, in order to see whether Acrid him¬ 
self was really in it.—The conscious Caitiff kept calling 
out, Drive! Drive! on hearing which the Gentleman 
on horseback threw off his Cloak and pursued at full 
speed. One of Acrid’s attendants turned and fired a 
pistol at him, but missed him—and the rest of the troop 
coming up, soon disarmed the servant. The wretched 
man still kept crying, Drive! Drive! Drive! But the 
Gentleman on the swift horse succeeded in turning the 


Coach out of the road and stopping it.-They per- Acrid dra??ed 

ceived his Daughter, a Young Lady who was known 

to be just on the point of marriage, to be in the coach murdered oa 

J 1 ° the high way, 

with him ; and not to shock her more than necessary, at mid-day, 

J near the City 

they ordered him to come out of the Carriage, u Come of Andre® 
out Judas ! come out Traitor, and receive your fate!” P ° I,S 
was the cry. But he would by no means come out,— 
and begged most pitifully for mercy. But they told 
him—that, as he had never shewed mercy, he must ex¬ 
pect none. They then fired several shots close at his 
body, that they might not endanger the Daughter; and 
he fell back in the Coach. Thinking they had done 
their business, they were about to mount their horses,— 

M M 




I 



266 


Book 6. ch. a. when the Daughter was heard to call out to the Coach¬ 
man,—Drive, John, Drive! there is life in my Fa¬ 
ther yet! Upon this they once more pursued the Coach, 
but were not able to stop or turn it till they cut the tra¬ 
ces, some say the Horses also. To spare the Daughter, 
they now dragged him out of the Carriage; when, 
drawing their swords, they dispatched him with many 
wounds.—All this took place on the Public Road, be¬ 
tween the hours of twelve and one of the day, on 
the third of May, within two or three miles of the 
Populous City of Andreopolis, Acrid’s home, and the 
seat of his power and official functions. 

Different Parties give a somewhat different ac¬ 
count of the above transaction. The friends of Acrid, 
particularly, labour to represent his deportment on the 
occasion, as composed, dignified, and pious, in the ex¬ 
treme; as most devoutly resigning himself to God; 
Filling down on his knees and most meekly praying for 
his murderers. Whereas the Actors in this scene repre¬ 
sent him as obstinately resisting all admonition to pray 
and commit his soul to God ; but roaring and shrieking 
in the most horrible manner. Some accounts say that 
the Daughter was wounded with a sword while throw¬ 
ing herself between her Father and his Murderers. 

This outrage- This outrageous and atrocious deed was endea- 
I^m]?ted d t voured to be punished in a manner which no less out- 
i ) n\Cy S tha d t ra ^ ed a11 reasor b law, and justice. A Proclamation 
mged ss °a{i was issued commanding all persons in the District of 
}f c ^ and j us "Fifia, to appear and present themselves on certain 
days before Inquisitors appointed to examine them; 
and to be confronted with Acrid’s Daughter and Ser¬ 
vants, to see if they could know them again. As if it 


£67 

t 

could once be supposed, that any person conscious of Rook 6. ch. 3. 
having been concerned in that transaction, would on 
any account present himself for examination on such an 
occasion; which would be equivalent to presenting 
himself to certain Torture and Death. I doubt whe¬ 
ther Peter’s Holy Tribunal ever attempted any thing so 
absurdly tyranical, as this Proclamation. 

Several persons were apprehended, tried, tortured, 
and executed, on suspicion of being concerned in the 
murder; and five were liung in chains on the spot 
where it took place. But they were taken down a few a number of 
years after, when a change of affairs occurred : and a psed'to Te 
humble monument erected to their memory is still to be e 0 x „ 

seen on the spot. Most accounts agree, and it is firmly s us P lclon of 
believed and reported, by the relicts of the Party, that ^™^ urdc ' r a 
among those who suffered death on account of it, there 
was not one who was really concerned in the Affair. 

Indeed those who were executed seem to have been per¬ 
sons of a quite different description from those who 
were met to chastise Acrid’s Manhunter, who seem 
to have been all persons of some condition, mounted on 
horseback, and armed as Gentlemen ; as appears by 
the mention of Drawing their Swords, Whereas 
those who were executed seem to have been persons of 
obscure condition, found in the neighbourhood of the 
Scene of Action, whether the report of such a singular 
and shocking affair had drawn numbers, out of mere 
curiosity. Only they were all known contemners of 
the Impositions Sunday Dress : and of the Lives of 
such no account was made. Indeed it is most proba¬ 
ble that the real Perpetrators of the Deed all quitted 
the country for a time, till a change of Affairs took 

M m 2 


t 


268 


Book 6. ch. 3. place, as it is certainly known some of them did. Be¬ 
sides those who were executed, and their bodies sus¬ 
pended on Gibbets at the place where Acrid was mur¬ 
dered, numbers were put to death in the most cruel 
and shocking manner in different parts of the Manor, 
under suspicion of being concerned in, or approving 
the same Fact. 

Of the particularly shocking circumstances of those 
Executions it may not be amiss here to give one instance, 
as a mark of the Character of the Times, and Persons, 
connected with this Stewardship. 

D-d H—cks—t—n of R—th—11—t was a 

Gentleman of Character and Distinction, whose Family 
and Estate still exist in the Neighbourhood of the Scene 
of Acrid’s fate. He with eight others were supposed to 
be the Party that met on horseback the morning that 
Acrid was murdered ; but he dissuaded them from the 
Enterprise when it was proposed, and absolutely re¬ 
fused to have any concern in it; particularly, as he 
said, because it was known that he had received per¬ 
sonal injuries and insults from Acrid, and it might have 
been thought that he acted from private hatred and re¬ 
venge. He was however afterwards seized, condemned, 

His Character executed, as concerned in the murder.-The 

following is the account on record of his Apprehension, 
and Execution.—‘ Horresco referensS 

Being a Gentleman of Family and Spirit; after 
the Folk had openly risen in resistance to their oppres¬ 
sors, he was found at the head of an armed Party of 
Gentlemen on horseback; and being attacked by a 
strong military squadron, after a brave resistance, which 

forced an honourable testimony from their antagonists 

/ * ' 




\ 


_ 2 69 

themselves, in which he cut his way forward and back- Book 6. ch. 3. 
ward through them, he was wounded and taken. 

Upon his trial little regard was had to form or evi¬ 
dence. Being questioned respecting his concern in the 
fate of Acrid,—as conscious of having been in the 
Party—lie only answered—that he was not obliged to 
accuse himself. 

Being condemned, he was ordered to kneel down 
and receive his sentence upon his knees, which he did, 
protesting at the same time against their Tyranny and 
Oppression. From receiving sentence, he was carried 
directly to the place of Execution in one of the princi¬ 
pal streets of Edentown.—First, both his hands were 

chopped off by the Executioner—he was then by the —and horrid 
. . 1 J . Execution. 

rope about his neck with a pully drawn up three times 
to the top of the Gibbet, and three times let fall with all 
his weight from a great height—then being fixed to the 
top of the Gallows, the Executioner ascended the lad¬ 
der, and with a large knife cut open liis Breast and 
pulled out his Heart while yet alive, as appeared both 
by the convulsions of the body when the heart was 
drawn out, and by the palpitations of the heart itself 
when it dropped on the stage. The Executioner next 
took it up on the point of the knife, and holding it forth 
at the four corners of the Stage, called out “ here is the 
Heart of a Traitor”—he then threw it with the rest of 
his entrails and vital parts into a fire prepared for the 
purpose. His Head was now cut off and his Body di¬ 
vided into Quarters—his Head and Hands were fixed on 
the Gates of Edentown, and his Quarters sent to be 
suspended at other places of principal concourse in the 
neighbourhood where he had lived. 


\ 


270 

Book 6.ch. 4. Such was the infernal spirit, and such the atroci¬ 
ous deeds on both sides, which for near thirty years, 
with true Stewardly indifference on the part of Carlos, 
and eager Official zeal and activity on the part of his 
Agents, were exhibited on the Caledonian Manor, du¬ 
ring the Stewardship of Carlos and his Brother Yagob. 
But tired out, as it would seem, with such slow pro¬ 
ceedings ; and perhaps suspicious of the impression 
such scenes acted in places of public concourse, might 
^makc on the minds of the people,—orders were at last 
given out to their Prowlers, to hunt out the obnoxious, 
or suspicious persons, and shoot them on the spot, 
wherever they were found ; and great numbers as we 
have above intimated, were in this way put to death, 
several at their own doors and in their own houses. 


Ciiap. IV, 

Contents. —The Stewardship of the Second Carlos continued—His infa¬ 
mous Expedients to extort Money from the Family—Has no legiti¬ 
mate Offspring, hut lavishes the Hereditary Patrimony of the Stew¬ 
ardship upon his Trulls and their Bastards—w hich are possessed by 
their descendant to this day—is succeeded by his Brother Yagob, a 
bigotted Peterkin. 

■ 

But it is now high time to return to the Bull Family 
and Manor,—where though Carlos, warned by his Fa¬ 
ther’s fate, durst not attempt such atrocities as had been 
perpetrated on the Caledonian Manor, yet had he 
found means to render himself sufficiently obnoxious to 


1 




r 


' 271 

/ 

the Bull Family in general. One great source of his Book 6. cb. 4 . 
misconduct, and consequent troubles, was, the want of 
Money, to support the extravagance and profligacy of 
himself and the Agents and instruments of his Plea¬ 
sures. To supply this want he stuck at nothing that 
his unprincipled Advisers could suggest. We have 
already mentioned his selling Ecclesdown to Lewis 
Baboon, and receiving money from him expressly for The steward 
betraying the interests of his Employer. Another Family Bank, 

cind converts 

scheme of the most base and perfidious nature that all the money 
could well be devised, was, the seizure and shutting up to'his own use 
of John Bull’s Public Bank, and converting the money nli^'ofThou- 
of the whole Family, deposited in it under full confi- santls * 
deuce, to his own use. I 11 this Public Bank, which 
was under the management of the Steward’s Office, 
those who had money to spare, were used to lodge it, 
on the Credit of John Bull and indeed of the whole 
Family, and to take it out as they had occasion for it. 

From this Bank Carlos stopped all Issues at once, and 
converted the whole money in it to his own use; by 
which a number of Persons and Families were reduced 
to the greatest distress. Indeed this Carlos was so com¬ 
plete a knave, so unblushingly perfidious, and disho¬ 
nest, that nothing but the too habitual indulgence to 
Stewards could have saved him from the Gallows. 

Another most presumptuous device of this Stew¬ 
ard for extorting money was, the calling in question all Annuls the 
special Privileges, Rights, and Tenures, ot particular all Corpora- 
Societies, Companies, and Corporations, on the Manor, t hem 

by what was called an Action or Writ of Quo JVar - t! ^ 

rantOy —requiring them to shew by what Warrant tiiey 
held those Privileges, and how they obtained them. 



272 


Book 6. ch. 4. A tiling in many instances now absolutely impossible 
to be done; as some of them Avere older than the origin 
of the Bull Family itself on the Manor; so that in ge¬ 
neral they had no resource but to purchase them a new 
at the Steward’s price, or entirely to lose them. To 
this it would have been a just, and highly appropriate 
reply, for John Bull to have issued a Quo Warranto — 
for the Steward to shew by what Warrant or Instru¬ 
ment he and his Predecessors obtained, and held, their 
Office and pretended Prerogatives. 

For the purpose of discovering those Privileged 
parties who were most able to pay, and for getting pos¬ 
session of their Charter Deeds ; Carlos employed a 
special and staunch Instrument, one Jaffier, Chief Cadi 
or Judge of the Steward’s Court. This man seems in 
Character to have been the exact prototype of Sir 
Deputy Gibcat, the present Diabolus Dispensitoris of 
our day. The Steward himself had found a pretence 
to bring in question the Charter of Ludstown, the 
greatestand most important Corporation on the Manor; 
and the matter being tried in the Steward’s Court be¬ 
fore the said Cadi, the event was infallible. Induced 
by this example, to which he added both promises and 
threatenings, the same Agent prevailed upon many 
other Privileged Bodies to surrender their Charter 
Deeds without a trial, for the renewing or returning of 
which great sums were extorted. 

It would be endless to relate all the infamous prac¬ 
tices of this Stewardship to extort money. But still 
against all these John Bull had, then, a firm and im¬ 
pregnable barrier, which kept them within some bounds; 
but which, alas 1 is now no more,—or rather, has now 


273 


changed sides, and become the greatest strength of the Book 6. ch. 4 . 
opposite Party,—I mean the Lower Chamber of Mrs. 

Bull’s Office;—between which and the Steward’s Of- T ^ otec ^ ( j n ( J , u y J 
fice and Agents there was a constant struggle during this per- 

° os a tiilious Stew- 

the whole of his Stewardship. That despicable adula- 

tory practice of echoing back every intimation or de- of Mrs. Bull s 

J r a J ^ Office—as yet 

mand from the Steward, or from the Steward’s Agents; pure from that 

. Commerce of 

and much more, that infamous commerce of Prostitu- Prostitution, 
tion between the Steward’s Office and Mrs. Bull’s Hous- all its present 

111 i • , • ,1 i disasters. 

hold, now so notorious, being then unknown. 

But to bring this profligate and opprobrious Stew¬ 
ardship to a conclusion,—it may be observed,—that, 
as Carlos had no legitimate Children, his Brother Ya- 
gob was the nearest lineal Heir to the Stewardship. 

But this Yagob was a zealous Peterkin ; a blind bi- 
gotted dupe to all the wretched Mummery and Impos¬ 
ture of the Notorious Peter, so long abjured and de¬ 
tested by the Bull Family. On this account it had 
been frequently in agitation to exclude him from the 
succession ; especially as the few remaining Adherents 
of that slavish and debasing system, had even during 
Carlos’s life time been suspected, and accused, of plots 
to murder him, through impatience, and hope of sub¬ 
verting the whole Constitution of the Stewardship, and 
Customs of the Manor, by the immediate accession of 
his bigotted Brother. 

Respecting this Carlos, it ought not to be passed 
over in silence, as it is a circumstance affecting the for¬ 
tunes of the Bull Family to this day,—That though he 
had no legitimate Children, lie had great abundance of 
Bastards,—all of whom he made Great Men, Dons,and 
Titulates, and apportioned out to them the fairest Man- 


N N 


274 


jfook G. ch. 5. sions, and finest Demsnes, on John Bull’s Manor. By 
the original constitution of the Manor there were large 

Ga| l'thoiit l? ^ rac * s ^ an( ^ se ^ a P ar ^ to defray the general expences 
gitimate is- of the Manor and Stewardship, under the management 

sue.—But la- . 

vishesthePa- of the Steward. But in fact these Demesnes have con- 
the^teward-stanily been profused on pimps, parasites, strumpets, 
Truiis P ° n andand bastards; while the Family are harrassed and im- 
whose rds d 7- poverished with contributions to support the necessary 
fs ei heid ts at ex P ence of the Stewardship, And they had especially 
tins day. been lavished with unparalleled profusion by Carlos on 
liis Bastards : and to the great disgrace and injury of 
John Bull’s Family are held by them and their de¬ 
scendants to a large extent at this day. 


Chap. V. 

Contents.— The Stewardship of the Second Yagob—This Yagob a bf- 
gotted Peterkin—but takes the most solemn Oaths to preserve the 
Privileges of the Family, and especially to protect John Bull’s Mo¬ 
ther inviolate in all her Rights and Immunities—depending no doubt 
upon Peter to absolve him from all these oaths, to which from the mo¬ 
ment he made them be never paid the smallest regard*-Begins with 
impatience to fill all places of Trust with Peterkins—is universally 
forsaken—of which some mortifying instances. 

The steward- On Carlos’s death, notwithstanding the great clamour 

gliip of the se- ® 

cond Yagob that had been raised at the prospect of a Peterkin suc- 
Peterkin sue- cessor, his Brother Yagob succeeded, not only without 
opposition 1 ! 0111 opposition, but with considerable acclaim. 

This Yagob was certainly a person of a more ac* 
tive Character, and capable of more industry and ap- 


i 


i 







/ 


273 

plication in his designs, than his Brother Carlos; but Book 6. ch. i 
being also possessed of more zeal, and less discretion, 
in his infatuated attachment to Peterkinism, those very 
qualifications served only to stimulate his course, and to 
accelerate and secure his ruin. 

This Fellow, then, confident in his own vigour 
and capacity, was determined to bring John Bull and 
his Family entirely and effectually under the yoke. 

And being fully persuaded, both of his Bight and The vigorous 
1 ower to do so, he set about the business like a man of decisive Po- 
spirit and resolution; and soon brought it to a very gob. 
decisive conclusion. It is true, on his first entrance on 
the Stewardship, conscious of the suspicions he lay un¬ 
der, he made a solemn declaration of his determination 
to maintain the Laws and Customs of the Manor, the 
Rights and Privileges of the Bull Family and of all 
the Folk upon the Estate;—and especially, to support 
and protect John Bull’s Mother from all injury and 
wrong. Perhaps he thought this part of his declaration 
the more necessary, as his designs with respect to the 
Old Lady were more especially suspected, on account 
of his known connection with Peter; who still pre¬ 
tended to be her husband, and to command and dis- 

* 

pose of her and all that belonged to her. And Yagob’s 
conduct soon put it past a doubt that he meant to deliver 
her and all her concerns entirely into his hands. 

As to the first part of his Declaration, the main¬ 
taining the Laws of the Manor and the Rights of the 
Family, he was perhaps perfectly sincere, according to 
his conception of the subject. For with the whole of 
this Race of Stewards it was a fixed and irreversible 
Principle, that the only permanent and fundamental 

N N 2 


2/6 




Book 6. ch. 5. Law of the Manor was, the Will and Mandate of the 
Steward ; and the Right of the Family and Folk, whom 
he held as his Property, was just what he should be 
pleased to allow them. And in promising to consult 
their Good and Prosperity, he professed no more than 
that regard which every Possessor has for his Herds 
and Flocks, and the prosperous state of his own pos¬ 
sessions. As every Farmer and Owner of a Herd ot 
Cattle,—or Flock of Sheep, certainly takes pleasure to 
see them numerous, healthy,' and in good plight; so this 
The Maenani- man, who was not naturally of a malignant disposition, 
ments of this might very sincerely promise and purpose, to keep his 
puiorum F °' Flock in a good and thriving condition; ready to be 
converted to use or profit,—to slaughter or sale, to the 
best advantage, whenever occasion or conveniency 
should call for it. And as he meant, when he had 
brought the Bull Family to that state which he pro¬ 
posed, that all their Property should be at his disposal,— 
or as his Grandfather proposed ,— u to take the Money 
of his People whenever he wanted it, without the for¬ 
mality and interruption of aPalaverium”—he might no 
doubt even wish to see them successful in their occupa¬ 
tions and prosperous in their affairs. Just as the frugal 
Farmer feeds his Cattle, keeps them clean and whole¬ 
some, is even anxious to procure for them the best 
pasture and soundest provender ; and, if he is a good 
husbandman, beside the profit of their labour, and 
produce of their milk and fleeces, has really no little 
pleasure in seeing them healthy and in high plight, 
acting their gambols around him and bounding with 
life and spirit in their pastures. Yet he feels no re¬ 
morse or repugnance, when wanted, to slaughter them 


i 



277 


for his Table, or sell them to the Butcher for his profit. r,ook6.ch.5. 
This is an exact representation of the Genuine Spirit 
and Principle of Stewardism in general; and expresses 
the real nature and motive of the concern they have, 
or profess to have, for the prosperity of their People. 

And though by the Custom and Constitution of the 
Manor of Albion, it is, or ought to be, an exception, 
and for this very purpose Mrs. Bull’s Office holds its 
existence ; yet there is not perhaps at this day in Terra 
Cognitia, another Manor where this Principle is so pas¬ 
sively, so uniformly, so securely, and so fully acted 
upon, as in this same Manor of Albion. And this full, 
passive, uniform security, is derived from the very 
means and instrument intended, and provided, for the 
purpose of preventing and opposing it,—Mrs. Bull’s 
Houshold Office. As to that part of Yagob’s Decla¬ 
ration which regarded John Bull’s Mother,—from the 
moment he got possession of the Stewardship, lie seems 
to have made no account of it whatsoever. He iin- 

i 

mediately dispatched a Special Messenger to Peter, to 
treat of putting him in Possession of the Old Lady’s 
House and Lands, and of subjecting her with all her 
Houshold and Family entirely to his Authority. 

The experience of Peter’s pride, presumption, and 
cruelty, had left such an impression on the Bull Fa¬ 
mily, that it was a fixed Law of the Manor, that no 
person who professedly adhered to him should be ca¬ 
pable of holding any Office, Trust, or Place of Dis¬ 
tinction whatever, upon the Manor. This Law in the 
present instance had been dispensed with, by the con¬ 
sent of the Family, in favour of Yagob’s admission to 
the Stewardship. And no sooner had he got Posses- 


i 


278 * 


Book 6.ch. 5. sion, than by one Act of his pretended, absolute, and 
unlimited Power, lie swept away this and all other ob- 

I 4 

stacles and incumbrances whatsoever that stood in liis 
way. Having determined that his own Will should be 


obtrudes his Hie only Law, he began by some steps that were di- 
Peterkins in- 

to every De- rectly contrary to the most express and essential Laws 
par tint lit. ^ p ie j\f anor . particularly to appoint professed Pe¬ 

terkins to Places of Trust and Power in every Depart¬ 
ment ; and that without requiring them to take the 
Oaths prescribed as essential to the holding such Places. 
Against this gross violation of the Laws and Constitu¬ 
tion of the Manor, when the Palaverium began to re¬ 
monstrate, he expressed great indignation; and dis¬ 
missed them entirely. 

He now called together a set of base corrupt Sy¬ 
cophants, subject to his own appointment; whose Of¬ 
fice it was, not to make Laws, but to apply and execute 
the Laws of the Manor as they already stood. And 
having drawn up a Declaration — u That it was the 
Law of the Manor of Albion, that the Steward could 
dispense with, and set aside all Laws whenever he saw 
reason or occasion:” he got this declaration signed, 
and sanctioned by eleven out of twelve of those base 
Sycophants. This Declaration he caused to be issued 
forth by proclamation through the Manor in the fol¬ 
lowing Apothegms.— u I. That the Laws of the Manor 
of Albion are the Steward’s Laws.—II. That it is the 


Indisputable indisputable Privilege of the Albion Steward to dis- 

s ^ warc j 

Apothegms, pense with his own Laws, when particular occasions or 
reasons shall require it.—III. That of these reasons 
and occasions the Steward himself is the sole Judge.— 
IV. And that this is not a Trust invested in, or granted 


279 


to, the Steward ; but essential to the Office, and can Book 6. ch. i. 
nc\ ei be taken from it. ”. Thus bj the corrupt decision 
of ten 01 twelve prostitute Parasites, were the whole 
Laws of the Manor of Albion abrogated, and its Con¬ 
stitution entirely subverted and overthrown. 

In conformity with this decision, Yagob began 
now to till every Office and Place of Trust and 
Power with the very persons that were expressly ex¬ 
cluded from them: and all the established oaths and 
obligations to be laid upon them for the due dis¬ 
charge of their Offices according to the Laws of the 
Manor, were dispensed with; because it was not in¬ 
tended that they should discharge them according to 
the Laws of the Manor. 

The highest and most important Office in the ap¬ 
pointment of the Steward is the Deputy Stewardship of 
Pat Blunt’s Manor of Green Erin; and though this was 
held by a near Relation of liis own family, yet lie, not 
being of the right Stamp, and refusing to turn Peter- 
kin and betray his Trust, to the faithful discharge of 
which he had sworn, Yagob turned him out, and a 
staunch Peterkin was put in his Stead. Thus far 
John Bull looked quietly on, and whatever he thought, 
said little. 

In the Bull Family and on the Manor of Albion 
there are many Offices of Honour, Profit, and Trust, 
to which it docs not belong to the Steward to appoint; 
as pertaining to Privileged Bodies, who had the Right 
of choosing their own Members, and appointing their 
own Officers. Of all these Rights and Privileges, 

Yagob, by his own Sovereign Will, chose to make no 
account at all. Of these Privileged Bodies several 


/ 


280 


Book 6. ch. 5, were particularly connected with Madam Bull’s Esta¬ 
blishment, and are generally called Kyrical or Kirkly 
Bodies. To one of the most venerable and distin¬ 
guished of these, at Grantabridge, Yagob sent his 
Obtrudes a mandate to admit a Peterkin of a certain description 
an 0nk im,,ort 0 - called a monkey* to the highest Honours of their So- 
?n the Grant- ciety, without requiring of him the usual Qualifications, 
Community. or, his submitting to the usual oaths and obligations of 
Fidelity and Trust, which the Constitution of their so¬ 
ciety prescribed. This Mandate the Grantabridgian 
Body absolutely refused to comply with; as what 
would in effect have amounted to the voiding of the 
whole Constitution and Frame of their Society, and 
the forfeiture of their Charter. Though Yagob was 
determined that such presumption should not pass un¬ 
punished, he found himself somewhat at a loss how to- 
effect this punishment; as there was no Court, Office, 
or Authority on the Manor, to punish men for a strict 
regard and conformity to the established Laws and 
Customs. But this defect Yagob in his Divine Inde- 
feasable Right made little difficulty in supplying. 
Among the Usurpations and abuses which had been 
solemnly abolished for ever on the Restoration of the 
late Carlos, was, a particular Court called the Steward’s 
High Kirkly Commission Court. This Court was indeed 
an old remnant of Peter’s Usurpation, which the Stew¬ 
ards found convenient to retain, till John Bull demanded, 
and obtained its express and absolute abolition. This 
Court was just what Yagob found he wanted, being 

* So called, perhaps, because with the Form and Semblance of Men, 
they renounce all the active functions and characters of Manhood, and the 
chief uses and ends of human existence; and professed to be wholely de¬ 
voted to the Mummery and Monkey tricks of Peter. 


\ 




281 


principally composed of Kirkly Persons, the whole Book 6. ch. 5 . 
nominated and appointed by himself; and who in 
their proceeding acknowledged no Law, Rule, or 
Custom, but the Steward’s Will and Pleasure. At 
Yagob s word and will this Court instantly started 
into Being; and again, existed in all its undefined and 
indefinable power. 

Before this arbitrary Tribunal was cited the Major And for at- 
Domo or Head Officer of the Grantabridgian Corpora- resist cfepo- 
tion, with all his Coadjutors and Counsellors. And jor^Domo, 
being convicted of conforming to the established Laws thdrCharter! 
ot their Society, in refusing the demanded Honours to 
the Monkey, the Major Domo was sentenced to be de¬ 
posed from his Place and Office ; and the rest were re¬ 
primanded and dismissed, with orders to send in the 
Charter-deed of their Corporation to the Steward’s 
Office. 

Of the same description as the Grantabridgian 
Corporation, was another, that of Bosford. These so¬ 
cieties formed each a kind of Pantapaideia or General 
School of Discipline for all the Youth of the Manor; 
and were richly endowed for that purpose. Yagob, 
therefore, thought it of the utmost importance to obtain 
an absolute authority there. And this he could only 
hope to do by intruding his Peterkins into all the 
Chief Offices and appointments as fast as possible, al¬ 
though by the fundamental constitution of the Soci- Attempts the 
ety not one of them could be admitted. Accordingly, samc ° btrU 
about the same time that he sent his Mandate to Gran- 
tabridge to confer its honours on the Monkey, he sent 
a similar Mandate to Bosford, to order the Chief Mem¬ 
bers of the Madelen School, to whom it belonged to 

o o 


sior., and 
meets with 
the same 
firm Resist¬ 
ance, from 
the Bosford 
Community. 


/ 


282 


\ 


Book 6. ch. 5. clioosc their own Officers, to elect one Tony Bumpken, 
a Peterkin of most profligate and infamous character, 
for their Head and Governor. But they, disregarding 
this illegal Mandate, chose one of their own Society 
into the Office. For this contumacy they were also 
cited before the same Kirkly Court, and their Deputy 
Governor and some of their principal Members being 


deposed from their Place and Station, they were dis¬ 
missed with threatenings of further punishment if they 
persisted in their non-compliance. But the profligacy 
of the former Nomination being so notorious, that the 
Steward himself was ashamed of it, he named to them 
another of his servile Tools, but they still refused to 
obey the mandate. Notwithstanding, the person no¬ 
minated by the Steward took forcible possession ; and 
the Steward seized on the Charter and Privileges of the 
Society; and expelled and further punished some of 
its principal Members. 

Yagob, unsuc- Yagob finding but little success with the Kirkly 
subduing the Class, and that his influence in Madam Bull’s Hous- 
Kirkiyciass, me t w itli so much obstruction, bethought him of 
with full ano ther Class on whose entire compliance and support 

Confidence L 


to mat of the h e believed he might confidently reckon. This was the 
Men of Law. _ 

Men of -Law; ot whom the Stewards had every where 
introduced the custom of keeping a whole Train in pay 
about their Persons and Office. 

We have already intimated that Yagob by his own. 
Divine Indefeasible Authority had swept away all such 
Laws and Statutes of the Manor as stood in his way, 
and particularly such as forbade the introducing of 
Peterkins, into Offices and Places of Trust, especially 
in John Bull’s Mother’s IJoushold; but finding the 


/ 



283 


Folk on (he Manor in general, and those of Madam Book 6. ch. 5. 
Bull’s Iloushold in particular, rather untractable to his 
purposes, he resolved to have recourse to the Lawyers; 
who being a favorite corps, and more immediately de¬ 
pendant upon him, lie had no doubt but he might 
reckon upon their absolute compliance, with any thing 
he could propose. And with their aid, he thought he 
might set all opposition at defiance. He therefore 
drew up for them to sign, an engagement, implying that 
they would stand by him in abolishing all the Laws 
and Customs of the Manor for the exclusion of Peter- 
kins and for the security of Madam Bull’s Family. 

This engagement, having assembled the Corps, he de¬ 
sired one of their own Body to propose and explain to 
them, and to command all who did not choose to com- * 
ply with it, to lay down their Pens and Green Bags 
and all the Implements of their Profession.—When, to 

his utter astonishment and confusion, the whole Body, . 

; J ’ Ydgob meet 

two or three professed Peterkins excepted, laid down with a mos 

L < mortifying 

their Instruments. Yagob, who was himself present disappoint- 
to secure, and enjoy, the success of this experiment, stood 
a while confounded and silent, as if thunderstruck. 

At last,—as these were a sort of People he could not do 
without,—Ire said they might take up their Instruments 
again : but that he should not for the future do them 
the honour to consult them. 

Another mortifying instance occurred to convince 
Yagob how little he could depend upon the support of 
even this his favorite Corps, in the course he was pur¬ 
suing. In the insolence of his absolute power he had 
ordered the Domestic Officers of Madam Bull’s Hous- 
hold to publish in their respective departments the 

oo2 


i 


284 


Book 6 . ch. 5. abolition of all those Laws and Customs of the Manor 
which existed for the maintenance of Madam Bull and 
her Family. Now, besides that this was enjoining 
upon them a kind of Felo-de-se , they had every indi¬ 
vidual of them expressly taken an oath to observe and 
maintain (hose very Laws and Customs ; as indeed the 
Steward himself had also done. The Head Steward, 
therefore, of Madam Bull’s Houshold and six more of 
the principal Domestics of the Family, drew up a most 
cautious and modest Petition to the Steward, begging 
to be excused from publishing this Order. This Peti¬ 
tion Yagob chose to construe into a Libel upon liis 
Person and Office, and downright treason against his 
absolute and uncontrollable Power. He therefore clapt 
them all up in prison, and ordered them to be brought 
to trial before the Steward’s High Court; where he had 
no doubt of obtaining a sentence to his mind. But to 
his great mortification and disappointment, in spite of 
all the efforts of some of the Judges, his Creatures, they 
were fairly and honourably acquitted. 

These being persons of high dignity, great influ¬ 
ence, and in much veneration with the Bull Family, 
their acquittal filled the whole Manor with joy and ex¬ 
ultation ; which spread itself, if not as quick as thought, 
at least as quick as sound.—For as soon as their ac¬ 
quittal was pronounced in Court, a shout of universal 
applause was raised ; which spread itself, and was al¬ 
most instantaneously echoed through the whole extent 
of the Manor. Yagob was carousing amidst his Law¬ 
yers, to whom at this time he paid a particular atten¬ 
tion, and had got them all around him, when the sound 
of this rolling shout of applause reached them ; and be- 


285 


ing informed of the cause, the whole joined in a loud Book 6. ch. 5. 
and universal roar of joy and acclaim. Yagob was struck 
with astonishment at such a loud and sudden burst of 
acclamation, and sent out one of his Attendants to learn 
the cause—who soon returning, with great seeming indif¬ 
ference said,— 4 it was nothing but the Clerks and Law¬ 
yers huzzaing for the news of the Acquittal of Madam 
Bull’s Domestics.’ The Caitiff turned pale, his lips Another alarm 
quivered—and as soon as he could speak, he said,— pointment. 
Do you call that Nothing!! I But recovering himself— 
he added—But it shall be the worse for them! And 

■+ ’ ' . f ijb • 

such was the obstinacy of this infatuated victim of his 
own foliy, that though he saw' his Measures to be thus 
execrated by the whole Bull Family, and every voice 
on the Manor raised in exultation at his defeats and fai- 
lure, he still determined to proceed. 

Lewis Baboon, who had heard that Yagob could 
not depend upon his own Lawyers, little acquainted, 
as it would seem, with the Character of John Bull, of¬ 
fered to send him 30,000 Lawyers, Bailiffs, Bullies, 
and Banditti, who should drub John Bull and all his 
Family into compliance. But this, Yagob, rather bet¬ 
ter acquainted with the Bull Character than Lewis, 
wisely declined. 

t ; r . V: k , , - If * 


I 


J 


286 


Book 6, ch. 6. 


Chap. VI. 


Contents.— The Stewardship of Yagob continued—Billy D'Orasis, Ya- 
gob’s Son in Law, invited to the Manor by the Bull Family—on his ar¬ 
rival Yagob steals away like a detected Thief, and throws himself 
on the Protection of Lewis Baboon, the greatest Enemy of the 

Family-It is debated in the Palaverium whether Billy should be 

immediately constituted Steward—or only temporary Deputy—Billy 
declares that he will be Roman’s Deputy—it is decided that he should 
be invested in the Stewardship jointly with Moll his Wife, Yagob’s 
Eldest Daughter—he protests that Moll’s Authority should be merely 
nominal—in which Molly, like a good Wife, entirely acquiesces. 


It is probable Yagob might now begin to suspect that 
it was time to check his career, and look a little before 
him. During his headlong course of folly, presump¬ 
tion, and perfidy, John Dull had hitherto looked on in 
silence, but not with indifference. lie was sensible of 
the confusion and disasters that had attended his efforts 
to do himself justice in the Father’s time, and was loath 
to throw all again into disorder. But some spirited in¬ 
dividuals of the Family had begun to bestir themselves, 
and to look out for a remedy. Billy D’Orasis had mar¬ 
ried Yagob’s Eldest Daughter, and was Steward, or 
Billy D’Orasis Bailiff of Nick Frog’s Manor. As Yagob had no male 
the'Buii Fa- Issue, Billy had been long considered as next Heir to 
mi,y ‘ the Stewardship, both in right of his Wife, and also as 
being himself the Son of Yagob’s Eldest Sister. To 
him, therefore, the-Bull Family had begun to turn 
their eyes. But just at this very time Yagob, who had 
A young Ya-been fifteen years married to a second wife, without 
Sis appear- having had any children by her, had a son born; so 
opportune)'/; opportunely, that it was suspected by many, and pro- 
chcumstan^fessed to be believed by more, that it was but a feigned 
C Suspkious. at P rc S nanc y> antl pretended birth; and that a suppositi- 
tious Child was introduced to retain the succession to 












» 


287 

the Stewardship in the power of the Pelerkins ;—for Book 6.ch. 6. 
Billy and his Spouse were both Antipeterkins or Re- 
formados. 

There were certainly many strong circumstances, 
beside the long barrenness of the Stewardess, to throw 
suspicion upon this business. Nan, another Daughter 
of Yagob’s by the former Wife, though living in her 
Father’s House, was, it is said, suspiciously kept at a 
distance from her Mother-in-law during her pregnancy, 
and was not permitted to be present at the Birth, real 
or pretended. It was a standing rule of the Family 
that the Chief Domestic of Madam Bull’s Houshold 
should be present at the birth of the Heir apparent to 
the Stewardship—this Rule it was also contrived to 
elude, by committing, as we have, seen Madam Bull’s 
Chief Domestic to prison. These are certain facts: 
besides which, many doubtful and singular circum¬ 
stances are reported; which it would be too tedious 
here to recount. If there was a real Birth, considering 
the circumstances under which it took place, it was 
certainly conducted with most astonishing indiscretion 
and want of foresight. To counterbalance all this, 
stands the Fact, that Yagob and his Family have al¬ 
ways exhibited the affection and interest of parents to¬ 
ward this child and his descendants. And I believe 
the general opinion now prevails that theie was a real 

Birth. 

But the incurable attachment of Yagob to Peter- 
kin Principles, and Arbitrary Power, were now too 
clear; and it was equally clear, that the Son would be 
brought up in the highest strain of these principles ; so 
that little regard was paid to the Birth or no Birth, the 



288 


Book 6. ch.6. existence or non-existence, of such a Person. For it 
was now found by indisputable experience, that the 
Principles of Peterkinism were altogether incompatible 
with the due exercise of the Stewardship of the Manor 
of Albion, according to the Constitution and Custom of 
that Manor, and the Privileges of the Bull Family. To 
the influence of his Peterkin Wife, had generally been 
ascribed the obstinacy and perfidious conduct of the 
first Carlos; and the consequent miseries of the 
Manor, as w ell as his own fate and the future fortunes 
of his Family, may all be traced to the same source. 
And though the second Carlos professed his adherence 
to John Bull’s Mother, yet his principles were known 
to be the same as the rest of his Family. And Yagob 
took care after his death to publish a declaration, and 
proofs, that he died a Professed Peterkin. 

Yagob, with less art, and more zeal, scorned to 
conceal his Principles, and did not long dissemble his 
designs; which soon brought the matter to an issue. 
And from henceforth it was fixed, as a fundamental 
All Peterk ins part of the Constitution of the Manor, that no Peterkin 

excludedfroin . 

the steward- nor any person married to a Peterkin, should be capa- 
sh,p * ble of holding the Stewardship of the Manor of Albion. 

Many persons of distinction in the Bull Family 
had, as we have said, begun to turn their eyes to Billy 
D’Orasis; and had actually invited him to come to 
their relief. This Billy was a Fellow possessed of 
boldness and ambition enough for such an undertaking ; 
and being restrained by no nice scruples of honour or 
Character and fine feelings of his own, nor any delicacy towards liis 
BillyD’Ora- Father-in-law, lie readily engaged in the Business. 

And being determined, as it would seem, from the first. 


289 


to proceed with a strong hand, he began by collecting cookG.ch. 6. 
a great Rout of Lawyers, Bailiffs, Bravoes, and Ban¬ 
ditti, of the Frog Family, to assist him in his Enter- 
prize ; whom he proposed to reward by Places and Ap¬ 
pointments on the Bull Manor, and with the Lands and 
Plunder of such as should adhere to his Father-in-law. 

He had also got together a great quantity of Water¬ 
craft to transport all his Preparation across the Water 
that lay between the two Manors. 

The News of this Preparation soon reached Ya- 
gob, and seems to have opened his eyes at once. He 
immediately stopped short in his course, and even at- Yagob checks 

his career_ 

tempted to tread back the steps he had taken. He dis- bmtoo late, 
placed all his newly appointed Peterkins, and filled 
their Places with legitimate Officers—reinstated the 
Madelen School in its Rights and Privileges; and re¬ 
stored all the Charters and Immunities of other Privi¬ 
leged Societies, which had been lately wrested from 
them. He now particularly affected to pay great at¬ 
tention 'to the Head Steward and other Domestics of 
Madam Bull’s Houshold,—those very Persons whose 
Acquittal, and Liberation from Prison, he had a little 
before so much resented.—He sent for them, very se¬ 
riously asked their advice, and what they thought best 
for him to do, at such a crisis. And they very can¬ 
didly and honestly advised him to let the established 
Laws and Customs of the Manor take their course— 
and especially to assemble Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office; 
which was the proper Guardian of the Laws and Con¬ 
stitution of the Manor, and of the Rights of the People 
upon it; and which, for that very reason, Yagob from 



290 


Book 6. ch. G. his Accession to the Stewardship had but once assem¬ 
bled, and probably never intended to assemble more. 

Whether or not Yagob was sincerely disposed to 
follow the whole of this Advice, he had no opportunity 
of discovering. He had already deservedly lost all af¬ 
fection, consequence, and credit, with the Bull Fa- 
Yagob desert- mily ; and Billy being now landed on the Manor, pco- 
even his own pie of all conditions began to flock to him, and to as- 
beSe^hhn-sure him of their support in setting things to right. 
B.ibooiu " 13 Even some of the chief persons about the Steward’s Of¬ 
fice, and a number of the Men of Law kept in pay by 
it, whom Yagob had got about him, deserted him, and 
joined Billy. Upon this Yagob’s spirit and resolution 
seem entirely to have deserted him. He retired to his 
Family Residence, and there he found, that even his 
Daughter Nan, lately married, had with her Spouse 
gone off to Billy D’Orasis and her Sister—the two 
Daughters had been by their Mother’s friends bred Re- 
formados. The desertion of his daughter Nan and her 
Husband affected Yagob deeply; but more with a 
sense of his Misfortunes, than any regret for his Mis¬ 
conduct. Fie exclaimed—How wretched must I be, 
whom even my own Child has forsaken! From this 
moment Yagob seems to have given up all efforts to 
maintain himself in the Stewardship ; and retiring pri¬ 
vately from the Manor, he betook himself to the Man¬ 
sion and protection of Lewis Baboon, whether he had 
before sent his Wife and Child. 

It is probable nothing was further from Yagob’s 
thought at this time, than that of entirely losing the 
Stewardship, or of never returning to the Manor. It 


291 


is wonderful how the most absurd prejudices, when ac- Book G.ch.6. 
commodated to our interest, and confirmed by habit, 
will assume all the force of rational and established - 
principles. Yagob had imbibed such a conviction of 
the sacredness of his Character, and indefeasibility of 
his Right to the Stewardship and Manor, that he con¬ 
ceived it impossible they could ever be effaced or lost. 

And he expected, that, as in his father’s time, after 
having involved themselves in confusion and anarchy, 
the Folk on the Manor would be Mad to recall him 

u 

upon his own terms, or with as little restriction as they 
had done his Brother. That his Daughter and Son-in- 
law would attempt, or consent, to assume the immedi¬ 
ate Possession of the Stewardship, was a thing, that 
with his notions of the sacredness and inviolability of 
his own Possession and Character, probably never en¬ 
tered his mind. But luckily, Billy, with a great share 
of selfishness and ambition, was not troubled with any 
of those scruples of honour or delicacy that might in¬ 
terfere with an opportunity that promised to gratify his 
ambition beyond his utmost hopes: and Molly his spouse 
was, in every sense of the word, really a good Wife, and 
entirely resigned to the will and views of her Husband. 

Yagob having implicitly abandoned all exercise of Billy D’Orasi?, 
the Stewardship, Billy, without invitation or scruple, sc'mjXs Xif 
took immediate Possession of the Steward’s Residence cqXXXXi" 
with all its appurtenances; and this indeed before his stevvard.iuT 
Father-in-law had finally quitted them;—having with 
incredible impudence, not to say insolence, sent orders 
to him at midnight while in bed, to turn out with all 
Jiis attendants; and commanded his own People to 
take immediate possession of the Premises. The 





292 


Bjuk6. ch. 6. wretched Yagob finding himself entirely forsaken, 
quietly took himself off. And though he stole out of 
the Manor very privately, he needed not to have been 
so very careful to conceal his Flight, for nobody seemed 
much disposed to hinder him : Billy no doubt consi¬ 
dering his voluntary retreat as the best way of getting 
quietly rid of him. Nor on this occasion did that ge¬ 
neral confusion and disorder, that Yagob reckoned upon, 
take place; indeed scarce the least disturbance oc¬ 
curred on the Manor. 

This shews the difference between a Manor so 
Customed, and so Constituted as the Bull Manor and 
Family, and Manors in general, especially on Terra- 
firm : where the Stewards have for the most part as¬ 
sumed the entire possession to themselves, and the 
Folk on the Estate are mere Vassals, or Nothing. 

On John Bull’s Manor every one considers him¬ 
self as a member of the Family, knows he is something, 
and has something, independent of Stewardships and 
Stewards: about whom he would give himself little 
concern, if they will but let him alone—if they would 
but c eat their pudding and hold their tongue,’ and 
keep their hands out of his pocket,—nor would he 
grudgethem their pudding well plumbed, if they would 
only forbear picking the plumbs out of his. Thus, 
during all this bustle about the Steward and Steward¬ 
ship, the Family lived very quietly, and minded their 
own business. 

This left a few leading men of the Family at liberty 
to consult, and act coolly and deliberately in settling 
the Stewardship and providing against such pretensions 
and attempts as Yagob had engaged in, for the future. 


As the most legitimate mode of consulting and Book 6. ch. 6. 
declaring the General Will of the Family on the Al¬ 
bion Manor, had always been by the two Chambers of 
Mrs. Bull’s Office, it was agreed that a new choice of 
these should be made, and that they should settle the 
Stewardship and future Economy of the Manor and 
Family. 

These being met, the first subject of their delibera¬ 
tion was, whether they should take Yagob at his word, Refuses to hold 
or rather his deed, and consider the Stewardship as re¬ 
nounced and vacant, and accordingly fill it up by a 
new Appointment—or, whether they should only ap¬ 
point a substitute, or locum-tenens , to conduct the Bu¬ 
siness of the Steward’s Office in his absence, till Mat¬ 
ters could be settled between him and them. Each of 
these proposals had a strong Party in its favour, and 
the Meeting was nearly equally divided between them. 

It was perfectly understood that both Parties had Billy 
in their eye—whether to fill the New Appointment as 
Steward, or to stand locum-tenens for his Predecessor. 

But Billy gave them fair Notice—that if they intended 
only a Deputy or locum-tenens , he was not their man ; 
for he would be Second or Substitute to no man; but 
would return whence he came, and leave them to settle 
their own affairs in their own way.—Billy knew per¬ 
fectly well what he was doing.—This of leaving them 
to themselves was just what Yagob wished and expected, 
and what the wise among them dreaded and feared.— 

Billy’s Declaration had the intended effect. The Pro* 
posal for a New Steward soon had a decided Majority, 
and it was determined that the Stewardship should be 
immediately, and without reserve, conferred on Billy 


it as Substi- 
tute for his 
Father - in¬ 
law—and ob¬ 
tains it ab¬ 
solutely. 


Book 6. ch 


294 

6. and Molly his Spouse jointly.—For as the hereditary 
relation to the Stewardship was in the first degree im¬ 
mediately in Moll, it was determined that her Right 
and Claim should be expressly acknowledged in the 
Appointment. But Billy at the same time declared 
that he would allow her no interference in the Exercise 
of the Stewardship; and Molly, who, as we have said, 
was really a good wife, entirely acquiesced in all this. 
A, :■ r'i 7 ■ Anb M 7',id d 


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I U i , - 




BOOK VII. 


r * >r: ? 


Chap. I. 


Covtrvts.—T he Stewardship of Billy and Molly—Whiners and Ranters— 
their respective Principles and Professions—The Bull Family taught 
by experience the Encroaching Character of Stewards—before in¬ 
vesting Billy in the Stewardship provide against it, by a special and 
most important Deed called The Roll of Rights —its Principal Pro¬ 
visions—These Provisions conformable to the professed Principles of 
the Whiners—the Ranters profess Unlimited Obedience, and absolute 
Undefeasible Right in the Steward—but in both, these prove little 
more than mere Professions. Some Exceptions—Sir Frankland 
Burdex. 


About this time there sprung up on the Albion Manor The steward- 

. . . _ . . . ship of Billy 

two opposite Parties, which, under the merely arbi- D’Orasisanci 
trary Names of Whiners and Ranters, have continued spouse, 
ever since. But though their Terms and pretended 
opposition of Principles has continued the same, it has 
been with considerable variation of Character and Con- w 


hiners 


and 


duct. These seem to be the same Parties which Sir ^ 1 i t l T rs “ 
Humphrey Polesworth distinguishes by the equally ar- cjpics. Prm 
bitrary Terms of Ilitts and Devotees* 










296 

Book 7. ch. l. Of these two parties, the first pretend a greater 
zeal for John Bull and the Interest of the Family, in 
opposition to the Claims and Encroachments of the 
Steward;—the last affect to be more devoted to the 
Steward, and to refer every thing principally to his will, 
and that John Bull, his Manor, and all that belongs to 
him, exist only for the honour and pleasure of the Stew¬ 
ard. These are professedly their respective principles; 
but in general they have been found to be nothing more 
in either, than mere professions; nothing more than 
a cloke under which more successfully to pursue their 
own Interest and Ambition. The Principles professed 
by the Whiners are, no doubt, the genuine Principles 
of the Albion Constitution, and of the Bull Family ; yet 
never have those Principles been more palpably vio¬ 
lated than under the Influence of professed Whiners. 
For instance, the present Race of Stewards came to the 
Office under the Auspices of the Whiners, and their 
Stewardships have generally been conducted by their 
Influence and by Agents professedly of that Parly. 
Yet never have John Bull and his Family been more 
pillaged, more devoured, more consigned to the Wdl, 
and sacrificed to the Interest of the Stewards, than 
since their accession to the Stewardship, and by those 
pretended Whiner Agents.—But of this hereafter.— 
Now to our present point. 

John Bull, now, equally by reason and experience, 
sensible both of his own Rights, and of the presumptu¬ 
ous nature of the Stewardical Character, took care be¬ 
fore he conferred the Office on Billy D’Orasis to make 
a formal and express Declaration of his own Rights 
and Privileges, and those of every individual of his Fa- 


297 


x. 


mily,—and also of the Limitations and Restraints un- Book7.ch.i. 
der which he conferred the Stewardship. And this 
Instrument, called the Roll of Rights , he took care im¬ 
mediately after Billy was invested, to have confirmed, 
established, and sanctioned, as one of the most solemn 
and important Laws of the Manor. 

As this Roll of Rights, however now violated in 
many of its'Articles, is still one of the most irreversible Roilof Righti. 
Laws of the Manor, it may not be amiss to mention 
here its most essential Provisions and Enactments. 

I. It enacts that all pretended Power, such as had 

been assumed by the late Stewards, to suspend the Its Principal 
force, or dispense with the Execution, of any of the P^OV1;5lOU '• 
established Laws or Customs of the Manor, is illegal 
and a breach and violation of the Duty, and of the 
Oath'of-office taken by the Steward. 

II. That the assumed authority by which the late 
Arbitrary Kirkly Court was erected, and all pretensions 
to erect or set up any such Courts, by the Steward’s 
own Appointment, independent of the Custom of the 
Manor, and the Sanction of Mrs. Bull’s Office, was il¬ 
legal, and a violation of the Steward’s Duty and Oath- 
of-office. 

III. That all Levying of Money or Contributions 
for the purposes of the Stewardship, all demanding of 
Loans, or Free Gifts, in short all taking of Money un¬ 
der any pretence or colour whatsoever, of the Family 
and Holders on the Manor, without the express sanction 
of the Family in general, through Mrs. Bull’s Office, 
was contrary to Law, and a breach of the Duty and 
Oath of the Steward. 

#• 

< • 


QQ 






298 


Book 7. ch. l. IV. That it is the indisputable privilege of the 
Bull Family, and of every individual of it, to require, 
and demand, of the Steward, whatever they shall 
think expedient and conducive to the interest and pros¬ 
perity of the Family, or their Right and Due by the 
Laws and Customs of the Manor—and to represent 
unto him, and remonstrate with him, upon all encroach¬ 
ments, abuses, and malversations of his Agents, Clerks, 
and Scriveners,—and that all harsh repulse, or haughty 
rejection, and all prosecution or punishment, for such 
Petition, Remonstrance, or Demand of Justice, is a vi¬ 
olation of the Rights of the Family, and of the Duty 
and Oath of the Steward. 

V. That the keeping in pay a set of Attornies, So¬ 
licitors, and Men of Law, together with their attend¬ 
ant Bailiffs and Bullies, without the consent of the Fa¬ 
mily, when no Quarrel or Lawsuit is in hand, is con¬ 
trary to the Laws and Customs of the Manor, and dan¬ 
gerous to the Privileges, Property, and Peaceable Pos¬ 
session of the Holders and Cultivators of the Manor. 

By the VI. John Bull vindicates for himself and 
every one of his Family that privilege of a Gentleman, 
the Right of keeping or carrying Arms for the protec¬ 
tion of his Person or Property against any person what- 
Principal Ar-ever.—So that every one of the Bull Family—the poor 
RolTof Rights Peterkins excepted —can say with the fine Gentleman 
in the Play—“ I wear a sword, sir,”—And let me ob¬ 
serve—that however awkward it may sometimes sound 
to the Respondent, it is no inconvenient thing, when 
an impertinent question is asked, or an irrefutable sus¬ 
picion insinuated, to be able to reply I wear a sword 
sir.—Sir, says he, I wear a sword. 1 * 


299 


VII. That neither the Steward nor lus Agents Book 7. ch. 1. 
shall in any manner intermeddle in the choice, or at¬ 
tempt to influence the choosing of the Members of the This Article 

_ become en- 

Lower Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Office. But this Arti- tireiy ruU 
cle, now become of more importance than all the rest 


together, is at present so shamefully violated, that the 
Steward, or his Agents and Dependants, actually ap¬ 
point, or influence the appointment of more than one 

> 

half of the members of that Chamber. Which in 
fact, in itself amounts at once to a virtual Abolition 
of all John Bull’s Liberty, Property, and Privileges; 
recovered by such long, important, and persevering 
struggles, from the Usurpation of former Stewards. 
And John Bull and all he possesses are, notwithstanding 
this important Instrument, now, by means of this in¬ 
fluence and interference, more absolutely at the dis¬ 
posal of the Steward, and the persons and property on 
the Manor more absolutely and entirely disposed of by 
him, than under the most arbitrary Stewardships on 
Terrafirm. And, except this pernicious interference is 
arrested, and that soon, all his boasted Freedom and 
Rights are, Vox> et preterea Nihil . A mere unmean- 

c. 

ing sound. 

VIII. That the Members of Mrs. Bull’s Office 
shall have full Liberty to speak their minds, and de¬ 
liver their sentiments freely upon all subjects; and 
shall not be questioned by the Steward, nor accountable 
in any of his Courts for their speech, or any part of 
their conduct in discharge of their Function as Repre¬ 
sentatives of the Family. 

IX. Unreasonable Securities, excessive Penalties, 
or severe Punishments, shall not be exercised upon any 

qq2 


c 




300 


Book ch. 1. of the Family, but even in their Offences they shall be 
considered in a fraternal view, as still members of the 
Community. 

X. That the Twelve Men that are to Enquire and 
Decide upon all Trials or Questions of Persons or Pro¬ 
perty, shall be fairly and impartially nominated, and 

shall be persons of free and respectable condition.- 

This is an Article also on many occasions, especially 
in any matter where the Steward or his Adherents are 
concerned, now shamefully violated, or eluded. 

XI. That the Steward’s Practice, of promising, 
or granting, to his Favorites the Fines or Forfeitures of 
any person suspected, or accused, before they be really 
convicted—is a violation of his Office, and contrary to 
the Laws of the Manor. 

XII. That for the correction of all Abuses, the re¬ 
dress of all Grievances, and preserving safe and invi¬ 
olate all the Laws, Customs, and Constitutions of the 
Manor, Mrs. Bull’s Family Office shall be frequently 
and regularly assembled, and allowed to sit and act 

► freely. 

These are the principal Articles of this important 
Deed and Instrument, which John Bull took care to 
present to Billy, previous to admitting him to the Stew¬ 
ardship. And which, on his being admitted, was con¬ 
firmed and established into a Law of the Manor by the 
most solemn Sanctions, which give force and inviola¬ 
bleness to these Laws. 

It has been disputed, no doubt absurdly enough— 
whether there be any Contract or mutual Engagement 
essentially and necessarily implied in the Relation of 
Landlord and Steward, or the Holders on the Manor 












301 


and their Accredited Agent, on these Great Manors. Book 7.ch.i. 
But with respect to the Bull Family and Manor tliis is 
a point that can never come in question, the Express 
Formal Contract being Extant, and on record, in this 
and several other Instruments and Deeds, forming the 
most fundamental and firmly established Laws of the 
Manor ; in the inviolate preservation of which the Re¬ 
lation Essentially consists. 

The same Instrument and Sanction provide, and 
secure, that no Person adhering to Peter and his Prin¬ 
ciples shall be capable for the future of holding the 
Stewardship of the Manor of Albion. 

Under these and some other Regulations and Re¬ 
strictions, Billy and Moll his Spouse were invested in 
the Stewardship, with general, though not universal, 
consent and approbation. 

Of the two parties we have already mentioned, 
who under the Distinction of Whiners and Ranters al¬ 
most divided the whole Family; the Whiners univer¬ 
sally approved the conferring the Stewardship upon 
Billy and Moll, and the Limitations and Restrictions 

under which it was granled.-The Ranters, on the 

contrary, were generally for a temporary and subordi¬ 
nate Appointment, still reserving the Right of Posses¬ 
sion in Yagob and his Heirs.-This was perfectly 

conformable to their respective professed Principles,— 
the first holding the supreme and unalienable Right to 
dispose of the Stewardship to be in John Bull and the 
Holders on the Manor. And it is surely impossible in 
Nature and Reason it should be otherwise. Yet, the 
second—profess to hold all Right, or Pretensions to 
Right, of John Bull, in Himself, in his Property, or 


) 








302 


Book 7. ch. l. in the Disposal of the Stewardship of Lis Manor, to be 
an impious and detestable Doctrine. Their Princi- 
The absurdity pi e s and Terms, are, Passive Obedience, Non-resist- 

of professed 1 . . . 

RanterPrin- ance, Absolute Power, Divine Indefeasible Right, in 
1 s the Steward. From whence such absurd and unnatu¬ 
ral Principles took thier rise, and how such slavish 
opinions, such self-degrading Professions, ever found 
admission into tlie Bull Family, or into the mind of any 
free man, it is difficult to account for.—Blit the truth 
But in both is? in both Parties their respective Principles and Pro- 
PretenVed 11 fissions, are but mere Professions and Pretences ; and 
merT P Pro- there is too much reason from Facts, to conclude that 
fession. in general they proceed from the entire want of all 
Principle; or, are only assumed in subservience to a 
Theironly real much more obvious and universal Principle, their own 
seif-interest Interest,—the most sordid Selfishness. 

This seems evident from uniform experience ; for 
whatever ostent of entire deference to John Bull and his 
Interest the Whiners may hold forth, to ingratiate them¬ 
selves with the Family and cajole the good Folk on the 
Manor; no sooner have they got into Place and Ap¬ 
pointments in the Steward’s Office, than they have 
shewn themselves as subservient to all his purposes, as 
insatiably rapacious in seizing, as boundlessly profuse in 
squandering, the Property of the Family; as basely 
servile, as sordidly avaricious, as shamefully selfish, as 
the most open and professed Ranters could possibly be. 

On the other hand—whatever professions of en¬ 
tire devotion to the absolute will of the Steward the 
Ranters may affect, no sooner has he, in the exercise of 
that unlimited Power, and indefeasible Right, which 
they so zealously ascribe to him, begun to touch them- 


and 

tion. 


ambi- 


\ 


303 


selves, than they have been little slower than the most Bo»k7.ch.l. 

t S 

zealous Whiners, in opposing and resisting his Power. 

Of this the subject in hand, the Fate of the deluded 
Yagob affords a pregnant instance, for many of the first 

movers in it were of the Ranter Parly.-Indeed the 

real difference between these two Parties seems to con¬ 
sist chiefly in this, that the one aims at serving its own 
Interest and Ambition in the Name and by the Means 
of the Family, the other, in the Name and by the i 
Means of the Steward. Not but that at times a few 
real Patriots have sprung up among the Whiners; of 
which the present Sir Frankland Burdex, Sir Gilbreth 
Heathcock, Don Stand hope, Don Grey, and some 
others, are worthy and distinguished instances. And 
if they have patience and perseverance, we hope, 
from the awakened zeal of the Family and Folk in ge¬ 
neral upon the Manor, and the arroused sense of the In¬ 
juries, Impositions, and Abuses laid upon them, that 
these, and such as these, may be successful in vindicat¬ 
ing and restoring the Rights of the Family; and preserv¬ 
ing both John Bull and the Steward from that Ruin into 
which they seem to be eagerly rushing : or rather, into 
which the Agents of the latter seem to be driving the 
former, without being aware that their own Fate, as well 
as that of the Steward, must be inevitably involved in 
the event. 




304 


Book 7. eh. 2. Chap. II. 

i * 

Contents. —The Stewardship of Billy and Moll continued—Yagob, by 
the assistance of Lewis Baboon, endeavours to recover the Steward¬ 
ship—attempts a Forcibly Entry on the Manor of Green Erin, be¬ 
longing to Pat Blunt, John Bull’s Half-brother, and attached to the 
Albion Stewardship—The Character of Pat—a brave open-hearted 
Fellow, with a little dash of the absurd—his greatest Folly and Mis¬ 
fortune his blind attachment to Peterkinism—attempt to account for 
this absurd attachment—this, most unjustly and ungenerously, made a 
pretence for the grossest oppression and tyranny by the Bull Family 
and Steward—encouraged by this attachment to Peterkinism Yagob 
makes his first attempt on this Manor of Erin—is cast in a decisive 
Trial at Bar at the Boyne Burn—and finally abandons the Attempt— 
the deluded Inhabitants of Erin who had joined Yagob are forfeited 
of their Lands and Goods—which Billy lavishes with the most incre¬ 
dible profusion and partiality on his Favouritesand Followers by tens 
of thousands and hundreds of thousands of Acres to individuals, all 
Strangers and Foreigners who had followed his fortunes from Terra- 
firm. 

The formal Investiture of Billy and his Spouse in the 
Stewardship with the decided consent of the Family, 
having confounded and frustrated all the hopes and 
prospects of Yagob, he now, under the protection and 
assistance of Lewis Baboon, made some attempts both 
by Law and forcible Entry, to recover the Steward¬ 
ship ; all which proved entirely abortive. These at¬ 
tempts were chiefly made on the Manor of Green Erin, 
belonging to John Bull’s Half Brother Paddy Blunt, 
managed by the same Steward, and long held in a 
kind of subordination to the Albion Manor. 

This Paddy, or Pat, was a curious, comical, bizarre 
sort of a Fellow, with still more of reckless nonchalance 
in his character than John Bull himself. No man in the 
Character of Country was more distinguished for bravery, and a 
B l unt .pr om pt fearless daring, with a strange unaccountable 
dash of the Absurd, both in his speech and actions. 


« 




305 


\ 


Yet perhaps the ground of this whimsicality of Cha- Book 7. C h.2. 
racter might be found in the circumstances of his fate; 
in the consciousness of a liberal Descent and Generous 
spirit, blended with uncultivated manners and confined 
ideas, the effects of a narrow, perverted, and defective 
education ; which is to be imputed wholely to the un¬ 
feeling jealousy, and hardened injustice, of the Bull Fa¬ 
mily, and the detestable Policy of its Stewards and 
their Agents, with respect to that Manor. Which is 
also the cause of Pat’s obstinate adherence to all the 
absurdity of Peterkinism, even when it is spurned by 
all the world beside. It is said, there was a time when 
the Blunt Family had much the advantage of the Bull 
Family in these matters, and when those who aspired 
to a superior education repaired to Erin, not only from 
the Albion Manor, but from all parts of Terrafirm. 

It may seem strange that the same Family, who on the 
general extinction of Learning, Science, and Cultiva¬ 
tion, in these Parts, was the last to retain them: should 
now on their revival, be their most obstinate Opposers, 
and the last and slowest to re-admit them. Were we 
to attempt to give an account of this seeming paradox, 
it would perhaps be the following. 

The notorious Peter, whom we have so often had 
occasion to mention, has been the great Opponent of 
all real know'ledge and science, the implacable Enemy 
of the general cultivation and improvement of the hu¬ 
man mind ; and in proportion as Peterkinism advanced, 
all sound knowledge and learning was blasted before 
it, and finally extinguished by its influence. And, 
vice versa, as Learning and Sound Knowledge began 
to revive, Peterkinism was obliged to give way before 


R R 


306 


Book7.ch.2. them; and is now, in its Genuine Spirit, and indeed 
almost in Name, extinguished in the world, the Manor 
of Erin excepted. 

These two Competitors, Peterkinism and Sound 
Knowledge, are like day and night, light and darkness, 
perfectly incompatible with one another; and where 
the one advances the other must, and always does re¬ 
cede, and give way. Now Pat’s Manor, like John 
Bull’s, lies in the midst of the Great Waters, quite in¬ 
sulated, and still more in a manner cut off from the 
world than John’s. So that when Peter began to dif¬ 
fuse his Mummery every where, and to impose it on 
all who came in his way, to the expulsion of Know¬ 
ledge, Reason, and Common Sense,—Pat’s Family ly¬ 
ing more out of the way, were among the last to be in¬ 
fected by it. Indeed it appears that till the Manor of 
Erin became in some degree subjected to that of Albion, 
Peter’s influence and authority were scarce known, or 
acknowledged upon it. 

And to the same cause, the sequestered situation of 
his Manor, with the ungenerous, the unjust policy of 
the Bull Steward’s Office towards him, it is to be as¬ 
cribed—that Pat at this day with all his natural ad¬ 
vantages, is so far behind his Neighbours in polish, 
improvement, and cultivation; while in hospitality, 
generosity, and openness of heart and character, he ex¬ 
cels them all—and that, when Peter with all his ridi¬ 
culous nostrums, and impudent quackery, is detected, 
despised, and spurned by all the world beside, Pat’s 
Family are obstinately bent to sacrifice every thing, 
both their natural advantages, and their civil Rights 
and Privileges, in behalf of such an absurd farrago of 


307 


Nonsense and Mummery, as no one ever admitted, Book 7. ch. 2. 
till they had renounced the use of reason and common 
sense. And the Steward and Steward’s Agents in the 
Albion Manor, are no less bent, in defiance of reason 
and justice, and of the mutual Interest of both Manors, 
to take advantage of this ignorance and obstinacy, and 
to make it a pretence for excluding all the Peterkins on 
the Manor of Erin from the Rights and Privileges of 
Denizens and Free Men on their own Estates and 
Manor. Indeed in this hostility to human freedom is 
founded the whole of their Economy with respect to 
the Manor of Erin. And this policy obstinately per¬ 
sisted in, is, they well know, the surest means of perpe¬ 
tuating that very ignorance and barbarity which is 
made the pretence for it. And this perverted Policy 
has had but too much countenance and support from 
the cruel jealousy of Brother John and his Family. 

Crudelis frater magis, an puer improbus ille? 

Improbus ille puer, crudelis tu quoque frater. 

But on this subject there may be occasion to speak 
more fully hereafter. 

Brother Pat thus retaining his blind attachment to 
all the Quackery of Peterkinism, to which infatuated 
attachment Yagob also owed all his misfortunes, lie Yagob at- 
judged that the best course lie could take to recover 
the Stewardship, would be, first to make an Entry on 
Pat’s Manor; and from thence, to attempt the Reco- 
veryofthe Bull Manor. But Billy by means of his 
Lawyers of the Bull and Frog Family soon brought 
the Matter to a Trial at Bar, and having joined Issue 
at the Assizes of Boync-burn on the Manor of Erin, 

Yagob was cast by a decisive Verdict, with large Costs 

it it 2 


tempting to 
recover (he 
Stewardship, 
is cast in a 
Great Trial 
at Bar, on 
Pat Blunt’s 
Manor. 





303 


Book7. ch. 2. and Damages. And though he attempted to protract 
the cause, endeavoured to obtain a new Trial, and still 
kept up his Claim, there was from henceforth no hopes 
nor prospect of his success. 

Billy being thus decidedly fixed in the Steward¬ 
ship, and in the manner we have related, it might be 
thought, that the Principles on which it was bestowed, 
would have excluded for ever all pretensions of the 
The Presump- Stewards to any Power or Right, independent of the 
Encroaching Grant of the Family, or beyond the measure and limits 
steward ism. prescribed by that Grant; and that it would especi¬ 
ally, out of gratitude and a sense of obligation, secure 
the Family from all attempts at Usurpation and En¬ 
croachment, at least during the Life and Stewardship 
of the said Billy D’Orasis. But such is the natural 
propensity of the Stewardical Character and Station in 
general to Usurp and Encroach, that no consideration, 
no obligation, nothing but the most watchful and unre¬ 
mitting jealousy, can keep them within the bounds of 
Justice, Honour, or Honesty. They too often indeed 
seem to look upon the Laws of Reason and Equity as 
entirely destined for other Persons than them ; and all 
other Persons and Things as only destined for their 
Possession and Enjoyment. And against the Effects of 
this Propensity there is no safety nor security, but in 
the watchful jealousy and constant check of their Con¬ 
stituents and Employers. This is a fact proved by 
universal experience ; and scarce was Billy well fixed 
in his Office when he gave the most unequivocal con¬ 
firmation of it. 

We have already mentioned that the wretched 
\ agob made his first attempt to recover his station by 


309 


Entry on the Manor of Poor Pat Blunt; in which, nook 7.cb.2. 
from the blind attachment of the Family to Peterkin- 
ism, lie had the greatest number of Adherents. This 
attempt entirely tailing in consequence of the decisive 
V erdict obtained in the Trial at Bar, above mentioned, 
great numbers of his Partisans, holding extensive Pos¬ 
sessions on the Manor, were forfeited of their Goods 
and Estates, to the amount of an immense quantity of 
Land. For though Pat’s Manor is not the best cu!ti- Th , e £ rea . t na ~ 
vated in the world, yet it is of great extent; and in *^ es ,h . e 

. . ' ° Blunt 

pomt of situation and natural .advantages equal almost lyManoriost 

. , n a by the Per- 

to any in the world. Yet is all this in a manner lost verted Poli¬ 
cy the perfidious policy of the Bull Stewards, and the Brill stew- 
cruel jealousy of the Bull Family; who would rather cruel Jea- 
see the finest soil and climate on the face of the earth BuiYFamUy*. 
defrauded of Culture, and the most robust, hardy, and 
laborious people in the world, consigned to slavery and 
barbarism ; than be rivalled by them in freedom, wealth, 
and prosperity; though their Emancipation and Im¬ 
provement would really be the greatest accession to 
their own Wealth, Power, and Importance, and enable 
them to set all the world at defiance. 


Great tracts of Land on this fine Manor being, as we 
have said, forfeited—instead of applying them, as was 


much wanted, to the advantage of either Family in 
paying the debts upon the Manors, and defraying the 
Expences of the Lawsuits in which they were engaged, 
Billy lavished them with the most boundless extrava¬ 
gance on a few favorites of Lis own; and not one of 


Immense For¬ 
feitures of 
Lund on 
Pal’sManor, 
all bestowed 
by Billv up 
on his Min- 


these of the Bull or Blunt Family, but mere Strangers, g 0 t I r , .^ ge l " ere 
whom he had brought along with him. Upon these Bimu 

Minions were those Lands bestowed, by thousands, ten Family. 



310 


Book 7 . ch. 2 . thousands, and hundreds of thousands, of Acres on in¬ 
dividuals ; who retain them in part to this day; while 
in the mean time lie borrowed money for the expcnces 
of the Stewardship, and charged it on John Bull’s Es¬ 
tate; and for which to this day he pays Interest, and 
the Principal remains unpaid, and probably for ever 
will. And here began that atal practice of borrowing 
Money, and mortgaging the Estate for the Expcnces of 
the Stewardship; which, still continued, lias raised to 
great fortunes the successive Clerks and Menial attend¬ 
ants of the Steward’s Office and Iloushold, who squan¬ 
der it among them in the most extravagant luxury and 
voluptuousness, while John Bull and his Family are 
reduced to bankruptcy and beggary. 

To describe the shameful profusion with which the 
Lands of Erin, forfeited to the Public, were lavished 
by Billy, would be altogether incredible—one Favorite 
had 50,000 Acres, another 100,000, and some near 
150,000 ; in the whole to the amount of near half a mil¬ 
lion of Acres,—*and all bestowed upon mere Strangers, 
who had no connection either with the Bull or Blunt 
Families.—But more infamous still, a private Family 
Estate of the late Yagob’s, the undoubted Inheritance 
of his Daughters Molly and Ann, was bestowed on a 
mere Strumpet, a favorite Trull of Billy’s, together 
with a Title of Dignity; for u Whores and Sons of 
Whores,” if connected with Stewards, besides fortunes 
out of the Manors, must all have Titles of dignity—and 
hence are derived half the Titillates on the Manor. 
And at the very time the private Estate of the Father, 
and just Inheritance of the Daughters, was thus shame¬ 
fully bestowed on a Strumpet, application was made to 











311 


t, 


the Palaverium io settle 50,000 Livres a year upon the Book 7.ch.2. 
Daughter Nan, and a large appointment upon Moll, 
should she survive her Husband—all which was com* 
plied with—and all out of the Income of John Bull’s 
Estate. 

It is true, these shameful Grants of the Lands of 
Erin were not allowed to pass unchecked by the Pala- 
yerium. A certain number of their own body were ap¬ 
pointed as a Commission or Trustees to enquire into, 
and correct, those Enormous Grants. But such was 
the corruption, the contempt of honour, the sordid sel- - 
fishness that had now crept into every department of 
the Public Management on the Manor; that those 
Lands before estimated at a million and a half of Livres, 
were now given out to be scarce worth half a million 
that is,—not worth a Livre an Acre in Fee Simple. 

These Trustees protracted the exercise of their Com¬ 
mission for years; and living in the mean time in 
the utmost luxury and voluptuousness, spent yearly 
the whole Income of the Estates among themselves— 
and I think it is scarce known at last, how they were fi¬ 
nally disposed of. But, I believe, it is certain no part 
of them was ever applied to lessening the burdens of the 
Bull Family. 



1 



312 


Book7.ch.3. Chap. III. 

Contents. —The Stewardship of Billy continued.—The great misfortune 
to the Bull Family in this Transfer of the Stewardship to a Foreigner, 
is, their being hence implicated in all the Broils and Quarrels on Ter- 
rafirm.—Billy being a native of Terrafirm, is placed at the head of an 
Association to restrain the Encroachments of Lewis Baboon—in which 
though John Bull had the smallest concern, his substance was most 
profusely lavished—the suit carried on in Terrafirm—Billy spends 
most of his time there—comes home between Terms, cajoles John out 
of his Money; of which it must be allowed he was not sparing—and 
back to Terrafirm again—In this Routine passes the greater part of 
Billy’s Stewardship. 

But the greatest misfortune derived to the Bull Family 
by this transfer of the Stewardship to one connected 
The disastrously^ Terrafirmial Interests, was, the implicating John 

consequences 

of this Trains- Bull in all the disputes and quarrels of the numerous 
stewardship, Proprietors and Stewards of the various Manors on 
pUcating im Terrafirm; with whom, from the situation of his own 
an^Terrafir 11 -Manor, he had naturally little or no connection ; and 
S al whlch ir he fr° m whom, since the fortunate loss of all his Farms 
”!ttie W or h no an d Mansions in that District in the time of the Sixth 
connection. Harry, John Bull had happily kept himself pretty 
clear. But Billy, a native of that District, and be¬ 
sides having some Farms of his own in it, being Head 
Bailiff of Nick Frog’s Manor, his chief attention was 
still directed to that Quarter. Indeed Billy’s principal 
object and enjoyment, in possessing the Stewardship of 
John Bull’s Manor, seemed to be, to derive from it the 
means and resources for carrying on those Terrafirmal 
disputes and quarrels, and to increase his weight and 
influence in them. For which purpose, the wealth and 
prosperity of the Folk on the Albion Manor have been 
most shamefully, afcd I may say, most treacherously, 



313 


sacrificed to the foreign Interest and personal views of Book ch. 3. 
every successive Steward, from that time to the present. 

Billy D’Orasis thus firmly settled in the Albion 
Stewardship, was now at the Head of a large Combi¬ 
nation of the Stewards and Proprietors on Terrafirm, 
in order, by a process at Law, to humble the pride and 
reduce the Power of Lewis Baboon ; and to set bounds 
to his encroachments on his Neighbours. No doubt a 
just and laudable design. But it was surely with great 
injustice, that John Bull, who of all the Associates was 
the least immediately concerned, was saddled with far 
the greater proportion of the Expences of the Lawsuit. 

It would lead from the design of these Memoirs to 
set forth the extravagant pretensions of Lewis Baboon 
at this time, and his insolent encroachments on the 
neighbouring Farms and Manors. The principal ob¬ 
ject of the present Combination, or at least that for 
which John Bull was principally implicated in it, was 
to obtain a secure boundary for Nick Frog’s Manor, 
by the Ejectment of Lewis from some Hamlets and 
Tenements,—which indeed anliently belonged to Lord 
Strutt’s Family,—but which Lewis had seized upon,— 
and from which he could extend his encroachments and 
depredations into Nick’s Manor almost at his pleasure. 

Billy being connected, as has been said, with the 
Frog Family, and Head Bailiff of their Manor, and in 
considerable repute and practice as a Man of Law, was 
by general consent placed at the Head of this Associa¬ 
tion, as chief Solicitor to carry on the Process for the 
Ejectment of Lewis. And it must be allowed, that 
considering the practice and great capacity of Lewis’s 
Attornies, he conducted the suit with considerable vi- 

s s 





314 


Book7. eh. 3 . gour and success; but to the great Expence, and little 
advantage, of John Bull. It has already been ob¬ 
served, that John had naturally a great partiality for a 
The chief bur- promising Lawsuit. And being of a sanguine disposi- 
rafirmaiqnar- tion, he did not starve the cause, but supplied Billy’s 
reis thrown m0 st liberallv. And though, of all the Asso- 

null, though ciation, John was the least immediately concerned— 

the least con- 7 J 

cerned in could derive the least advantage from the success, and 

them. An a- ^ . 

huse continu- suffer the least damage by the failure, of the suit; yet 

asirous in- was every one of the Associates prone to shift the bur- 

thfsday. Unt0 den of the Expence from his own shoulders, and to 

throw it upon poor John Bull’s ; and who ever failed 

in their proportion of the Contribution, John was looked 

to, to supply the deficiency, and support the Cause. 

As the suit was carried on in Terrafirm, Billy’s re¬ 
gular course was to spend the whole of Term-time 
there in attendance on the courts. When Term was 
over he generally amused himself some time in hunting 
and sporting on some of his Estates on Terrafirm ; blit 
Billy and Mrs. always took care during the long Vacation to visit the 

mutually treat Albion Manor, for the sake of replenishing his Pockets, 
one another. qij iere cus t om was ca p together Mrs. Bull’s Hous- 

hold Office. And now, instead of the jarring and 
squabbles that were wont to occur in the time of the 
two Carloses, nothing passes but Compliments and 
Compliances. The interview generally commences with 
Flummery the each treating the other with a cold Collation, in which 

PrincinTi 

Dish. 1 Flummery is the principal Dish. The Steward treats 
first, and Mrs. Bull returns the Compliment; and that 
with so much complaisance, that her Entertainment 
consists chiefly of a mere repetiton of the same Dishes 
as the Steward’s^ with a little more profusion of Flum- 


315 


/ 


mery.* Flummery, all the world knows, is a cheap Uook 
Dish, and may be afforded in plenty at a small ex¬ 
pence. The Steward’s Entertainment, indeed, is sup¬ 
posed to cost him nothing, both the materials and 
cooking are presumed to be furnished at the Expence 
of the Clerks and Scriveners of the Office ; in the con¬ 
fidence of which presumption, much freedom of ob¬ 
servation is often used upon the furnishing out, and 
cooking of the Steward’s Collation by some who affect 
to have less relish for Flummery than their neighbours. 
However, the whole generally closes with some compli¬ 
ments on the Steward’s Entertainment; which are sure 
to be accompanied with an engagement to furnish him 
with whatever money he shall please to demand. In 
consequence of this complaisance, the comments upon 
the cooking of the Flummery are generally passed 
over in silence, and all is concluded with great po¬ 
liteness. 

In prosecution of the further business of the meet¬ 
ing, the Steward on his part, intimates the progress of 
the Lawsuit, accounts for the failure in some points, 
congratulates them on the success of others—especially 
impresses the strong necessity of speedy and liberal 
supplies of Money, that they may be ready to com¬ 
mence proceedings vigorously and early in the next 
Term. To all which it is replied on Mrs. Bull’s part 
with the utmost complaisance ;—the desired contribu¬ 
tions are liberally granted, and every thing proposed 
by the Steward conceded in the most ample manner, 
and complimental form. 


7. cli. 3. 


* Royal Speeches and Parliamentary Addresses.—Pret. Com. 

s s 2 






316 


r»ook7.ch. 3.• This business settled,—the steward once more 
treats the Members of Mrs. Bull’s Office with another 
Dish of Flummery, and dismisses them to attend their 
own affairs, till he again wants money ; and lie himself 
repairs to Terrafirm to attend the Courts. In this clos¬ 
ing Entertainment he generally coaxes them with some 
compliments on the liberal supplies of Cash with which 
they have furnished him—regrets the necessity he is 
under of so frequently calling upon his Good Folk on 
the Manor for such large and burdensome Contribu¬ 
tions—assures them they shall be applied strictly to the 
purposes for which they were granted, and be spent 
with the utmost Economy; than which, nothing can be 
more false, both in fact, and intention. 

In this routine of asking and receiving, and of mu¬ 
tual Compliments, consisted the greater part of Billy’s 
Stewardship after the decisive Issue obtained in Erin, 
and indeed of almost every Stewardship since; as far as 
the Bull Family and Manor of Albion are concerned. 

As to the Lawsuit on Terrafirm, it proceeded as 
Lawsuits generally do where money is plentifully sup¬ 
plied on both sides to carry them on. Sometimes one 
The Lawsuit party gained one point, and the other party another; 
ccndusion . 3 sometimes a New Trial was brought upon the same 
point, and a direct contrary Verdict obtained. In this 
way the Law Process went on, and might have gone on 
for ever; or at least as long as both Parties could have 
found money to pay tire Lawyers, had not Lewis Ba¬ 
boon’s attention been attracted by a prospect of greater 
advantage from another quarter, than any he could de¬ 
rive from the utmost success in the pending Suit, which 
determined him to try to get rid of it for the present. 


317 


Chap. IV. Book 7.eh.4. 


Contents. The Stewardship of Billy D’Orasis continued—Carlos, Lord 
Strutt, at the point of Death without Issue—all Quarrels made up with 
a view'ot Partitioning his Great Instate among toe Parties—Lewis 
Baboon, as one of the Partitioned, outwits all the rest—and gets the 
w hole into his own Family by a Will clandestinely procured in favour 
ot his Grandson—upon which a new Quarrel breaks out, and Lawsuits 
more violent than ever—during which Billy slips oil the stage. 


among them. 


Carlos, Lord Strutt, had long been in a declining 

state of health, and his death was now every day ex-j n the prospect 

pcctcd ; and having no Issue, the succession to his of L?>rdsmut! 

Great Manor of Iberia, with all its vast Appendages, was j|j* 

an object of great attention to the Landlords and Stew- boon, South, 

. Frog, & Bull, 

ards of all the Neighbouring Manors. Lewis Baboon a ? ree to d »- 

10*0111 • vide h* ,s Es- 

and Squire South had each some pretensions to the sue- tate of Iberia 
cession, as differently related to the Family. But the 
prospect of either the one or the other succeeding to the 
whole of such vast Possessions, they were aware, would 
excite such Jealousy among their Neighbours, and 
such alarm in the whole country round, that neither 
could hope to be allowed to take quiet Possession of the 
Manor. And though John Bull had no pretensions to 
any part of the Estate himself, yet such was his con¬ 
nection with the Strutt Family and Iberian Manor, and 
and such his influence in the whole Country round, 
that, without conciliating John Bull, no one could 
reckon upon the undisturbed Possession of the Manor 
of Iberia. 

John’s principal claim indeed, on his own account, 
was the Right of Trade on the Manor, especially of 
carrying the Produce of his own Manor thither to 
Market. Sir Humphry Polesworth calls it the Privi- 



318 


Book 7 . ch. 4 . lege of being his Clothier; but it is well known that the 
Manor of Albion sends a thousand things beside Cloth 
to the Iberian Market. And from hence draws a great 
proportion of those golden treasures with which Lord 
Strutt’s Estates abound above all others in the Country. 

Nicolas Frog was also not a little interested in this 
Affair, particularly from the danger of having such a 
troublesome rogue as Lewis for so near a Neighbour as 
he would be if he succeeded to those parts of Lord 
Strutt’s Estate which lay adjoining to Nick’s Manor; 
especially with the great increase of wealth and power 
which Lewis would acquire by this succession. 

In this situation of Affairs, Lewis, who was an 
overmatch for all his Neighbours in dexterity and cun- 
The Lawsuit ning,—that he might be more at leisure to take ad- 
Compounded, vari t a g e a p cven f Sj proposed to compound the Law¬ 
suit in which the Parties had been so long engaged; 
—and from and that on better terms than Frog and Bull, or rather 
Frog and Billy could have expected,—for truly John 
Bull had scarce any real interest in the Matter : except 
that of spending his money. 

By this Composition Frog thought he had secured 
a safe boundary to his Manor; and Billy got his Title 
to, and possession of, the Albion Stewardship expressly 
acknowledged by Lewis Baboon; and poor Yagob 
w r as left to shift for himself; though Lewis had so¬ 
lemnly promised and declared that he would never de¬ 
sert his cause. To obtain this last point, the entire ex¬ 
clusion of Yagob, and establishment of Billy in the 
Stewardship, was the sole ostensible object for which 
John had been implicated in the Lawsuit. And for 
this surely no Lawsuit could be necessary ; for John 


■u bat motives. 


319 


was indisputably competent both to appoint, and sup. Book7.cb.4. 
port, liis own Steward. 

But the impatience and jealousy of the different 
Expectants on Lord Strutt’s Death, could not quietly 
wait that Event; they therefore settled among them¬ 
selves a Partition ol his whole Estates, without waiting 
his own Disposition of them, or at all consulting him on 
the subject. And Lewis, of whom all the rest were 
most particularly jealous, by this Partition and Settle¬ 
ment, expressly renounced all advantage that might 
accrue to him by any Will or Disposition that Lord 
Stiutt might make in his favour. Of this Partition and 
Settlement, John Bull, though he was to come in for no 
part of the Property, was by his Steward engaged as 
the Principal Guarantee—and that without the least 
intimation to himself, or knowledge of the transaction—• 
an Engagement which cost him years of trouble, end¬ 
less lawsuits, and half ruined his Estate and Family. 

This is indeed the Lawsuit of which Sir Humphry 
Polesworth in his History of John Bull pretends to 
give an account—or rather, for the palpably unworthy 
conclusion of which he with much art labours an 
apology. 

But though this Partition and Agreement was made 
with the greatest secrecy, it soon took air, and came to 
Lord Strutt’s ears; who, as might be expected, felt 
the utmost indignation on the occasion; in which the Lord Strutt ef- 
whole inhabitants of the Iberian Manor heartily joined mdslhe’pir- 
with him. In this disposition of mind the Old Lord Estate”by a 
Strutt took a resolution effectually to dissolve the Com- of Lewis 
bination of the Partitioners. Though the artful knave 
Lewis, to amuse the other Parties, had acquiesced 


% 


320 


Book?.ch. 4 . 'with great seeming sincerity in the Partition, and had 
expressly engaged, that though a Will should be made 
in his favour he would not consent to accept, or take 
any advantage of it, but strictly adhere to the Parti¬ 
tion : yet had he never ceased to importune Lord 
Strutt, and to tamper with all who were about him, or 
had any influence with him, to obtain such a Will: in 
which he at last succeeded, through mere indignation 
on the part of Lord Strutt at the impudent Partition, 
By this Will, made just before he expired, the whole of 
Lord Strutt’s Estates and Fortune were bequeathed to 
Phillip, Lewis’s Grandson, being the second Son of his 
Eldest Son and Heir. But that the Iberian Manor 
might never become an appendage to, or parcel of, the 
Franldand Manor, it was provided that in case of Phill, 
by the death of his Elder Brother, succeeding to the 
Manorof Frankland, the Iberian Manor should descend 
to a still younger branch of the Family. 

Lewis had the impudence to pretend that all this 
•was exceeding contrary to his wish. But said, that 
though he himself should be a great loser by it, yet had 
he no right to oppose so great an advantage to his 
Grandson. But this would not pass with the Parti- 
tioners ;—especially as he had caused his own Attor* 
nies and Agents to take immediate Possession in the 
name of his Grandson.—But the Partitioners even in¬ 
sisted that he should oblige his Grandson to renounce 

Death of Billy, the Will, and assist them to eject him.-About this 

time died old Yagob, and soon after, his rival Billy. 


321 


I 


\ 


Chap. V. 


Cook 7 . cb. &. 


Contents.— The Stewardship of Nan—Law Proceeding carried on with 
great vigour and success seven years by Marlville, John Bull’s At¬ 
torney—Old Lewis quite exhausted) and all Parties pretty well tired 
of Law—a Composition is at last agreed upon—but on Terms far short 
of What the success of the Partitioners ought to have obtained—This 
the Law suit, and this the Composition, to justify which Sir Humphry 
Polesworth wrote his celebrated History of John Bull—but which, 
All his art and dexterity has failed to do.—Death of Nan—And ac. 
cession of the Handover Family. 


As Billy died without Issue* the succession of the 
Stewardship of the Manor of Albion passed, as had Stewardship of 
been settled by the general consent of the Bull Family, 
to Nan, Yagob’s Second Daughter;—Moll had been 
dead sometime before her spouse. 

These changes made no difference in the determi¬ 
nation of the Partitioners. Such vast Accession to the 
already too predominant power and wealth of the Ba¬ 
boon Family justly excited the jealousy and fears of 
the whole Neighbourhood ; who had all already felt 
too many proofs of Lewis’s overbearing and encroach¬ 
ing Character. And though, of all the Neighbours, 

John Bull was the least concerned on his own account, 
could derive the least advantage from the proposed 
Partition, and was in the least danger from, and could 
best defend himself against the encroachments of Lewis: 
yet none of the Parties were more zealous in the cause, 
or more ready to undertake all the trouble and expence 
of the proposed Lawsuit, than John Bull. 

It is true, John had now an additional cause of quar¬ 
rel with Lewis.—We already took notice that Lewis, 
in contempt of the most solemn engagements to Yagob, 
to support his pretensions, had at the conclusion of the 

T T 


322 


Book 7. ch. 5 


last Lawsuit abandoned his Interests, and with still 
more solemnity acknowledged Billy’s Right and Pos¬ 
session, and the settlement made by the Bull Family to 
the entire exclusion of Yagob and all Peterkins.—Yet 
no sooner was old Yagob dead, than Lewis, even du¬ 
ring Billy’s life time, caused Young Yagob his son to 
be declared Steward of the Manors of Albion, Caledo¬ 
nia, and Green Erin, and engaged to lend his utmost 
assistance to put him in possession of the Office, in spite 
of John Bull himself and all concerned. Indeed, this 
Lewis was, even beyond the habitual perfidy of the 
•Stewardical Character, infamous for cheating and ly¬ 
ing; and for a perfect contempt of Truth, Honour, and 
Honesty. 

Though Nan, who had succeeded to the Steward¬ 
ship, might be very well pleased to retain the Steward¬ 
ship during her own life, it might very reasonably be 
suspected, that she would willingly rather leave it to 
her supposed Brother, than to a Stranger of very re¬ 
mote affinity. And though the Disposition made by the 
Bull Family, whereby every Peterkin was expressly 
excluded, and the infatuation of the Father, who had 
brought up his Son a strict and bigotted Peterkin,— 
stood directly in the way;—yet, by those who fa¬ 
voured that Family and Peterkinism, it was presumed 
that ways would be found to remove, or overcome, 
those obstacles; and for this purpose, under the insti¬ 
gation and with the assistance of Lewis, Intrigues were 
constantly carrying on. 

In the mean time a strong Combination against 
him was formed between John Bull, Nick Frog, Squire 
South, and a number of petty Lairds and Squires,—a 


323 - 


Great 
Lawsuit to 
set aside 
Lord Strutt’s 
Will, and 
make £ood 
thePartition 
of his Estate. 


sort of Copy-holders on the Great Manor of Allemagn, Book 7.ch.5. 
over which Squire South had a kind of nominal supe¬ 
riority. The main object of this Combination, was, to Th T e . 
compel Lewis by dint of Law, according to his en¬ 
gagement, to renounce the Will of Lord Strutt, and as¬ 
sist to eject Phill his Grandson from the Iberian Manor. 

As John Bull, though the least interested, was the 
principal supporter of this Combination, in which Nan 
the Stewardess cordially joined,the means, and measures, 
and different processes, were chiefly concerted in the 
Bull Steward’s Office, and afterwards, further discussed 
by the Agents and Attornies of Frog, South, and the 
other Parties concerned. The chief management of Principa11y 
the Suit, and of the several Trials at Bar—for it could 
not be supposed that such a cause would be decided by s£ it0J Bull s 
one Verdict—were also confided to John Bull’s Chief 
Attorney. This Attorney, whom Poles worth, with a 
little tincture of malignity, calls Hocus, but whose real 
name was Kirkhill, and who is still better known by 
the Title of Don Mariville, w as certainly both one of 
the ablest, and one of the most fortunate of his Profes¬ 
sion. It is indeed said, that he never lost a Trial at 
Bar which he conducted, nor undertook an Action at 
Law in which he did not succeed. And few of the Pro¬ 
fession have been engaged in more important Business, 
or conducted more numerous Actions. His enemies im¬ 
pute to him the failing of selfishness, or too much love 
of money ; but it never was suspected, nor even insinu¬ 
ated, that he ever sold his Client, or betrayed his 
Cause, through this failing. 

The Lawsuit thus commenced, was carried on 
with great vigour and unexampled success, by Marl- 

t x 2 


324 


Book 7 . ch. 5. ville, and Verdict after Verdict was obtained in favour 
of the Partitioners. But still, instead of any prospect 

c wUh d great an Ejectment, Phill the Grandson seemed firmly 
vigour and ossesset j 0 f the Strutt Lordship, and the Tenants and 
with little Holders in general of the Manor, perfectly satisfied 

prospect of ^ T . 

the desired w ith their new Steward, or rather, .Landlord. It is 
termination. ^ ^ ... , ... t> a- 

true a Son of Squire South s in concert with the rarti- 
tioners, had also taken possession of Neapolis and 
some other detached Farms belonging to the Lordship ; 
and, principally by the assistance of John Bull, had 
made some progress in a forcible Entry on the Main 
Estate. But this part of the Proceedings was carried 
on in the Courts of the Iberian Manor,—and with va¬ 
rying conduct and success, under different Attornies, 
quite independent of Marlville, who may be said to 
have proceeded with uniform success. 

Old Lewis was indeed at last reduced to the great¬ 
est distress, and pretended to be willing to give up his 
Grandson, and even to assist in ejecting him, if the 
other Parties would agree to compound the Suit. 

The Cause had been carried on now for several 
years, and though the Partitioners could boast of great 
success, and Marlville had obtained Verdict upon Ver¬ 
dict,—still there was no prospect of any termination of 
the Suit; and the money of all Parties began to be ex¬ 
hausted, Nick Frog indeed was pertinaciously bent 
on continuing the suit, as reckoning upon an unfailing 
fund in the wealth and generosity of John Bull, whom, 
as Polesworth expresses it, he held obliged to support 
him “ tota pecunia , with all his Money.”—And beside, 
as the Lawsuit was carried on in Nick’s Neighbour¬ 
hood, a good deal of the Money centered with him a 




I 


325 

whereas tliere was a constant drain from John Bull’s r » ook 7 * ch -*• 
Manor to Tcrrafirm, whence nothing ever returned. 

On all these accounts Nick still wished the Suit to 
go on. 

As to Squire South, he had conceived such an over¬ 
weening opinion of his own importance, that he thought 
the Partitioned and all the Land-holders in the Neigh¬ 
bourhood obliged to support him in pomp and state, 
even if their own Families should starve. And though 
the main object of the present Lawsuit, in which they 
were all exhausting themselves, was to put one of his 
Family into Possession of the Manor of Iberia, the 
principal of Lord Strutt’s Estates, the perverse Lur- 
dan himself was chiefly intent on a villainous Lawsuit 
with his own Tenants, of the Manor of Boheme, to re¬ 
duce them to Vassalage, and to impose upon them all 
the ridiculous absurdities of Peterkinism, which their 
own good sense taught them to spurn. But John Bull, 
though generous even to Knighterrantry, was not yet 
become a mere dupe, and seeing no end to the Suit; 
and that those who were principally concerned in it, 
were each disposed to shift the burden of it from their 
own shoulders, and to throw it upon his, he was not un- Some disposi- 
willing to listen to proposals from Lewis for compro- Parties to 

. . .. c Compromise 

mismg the Suit. the Suit. 

But before this compromise took place, there had 
occurred an almost entire change, both of Men and 
Maxims, in the Albion Steward’s Office,—of which 
it will be necessary to give some account. We have 
already taken notice of the two Parties of Whiners and 
Banters, and given some account of their pretended 
Principles.-That every Steward, whatever his pro- 


\ 



326 


Book?, ch.5. fessions may be, will naturally favour the supposed 
principles of the Ranters, is a thing reasonable to be sup¬ 
posed ; and fact and experience confirms the supposi¬ 
tion. That Nan was entirely attached to these prin- 
ples, there can be no doubt; though she held her sta¬ 
tion in direct violation of them, in prejudice of her 
Father and Brother.* But it must be acknowledged 
this was a thing not in her power to remedy; though 
she might have refused her own part in it. And it can¬ 
not be doubted but she would have wished to have left 
the Reversion of the Stewardship to her supposed Bro¬ 
ther, rather than to a very distant relation, on whom it 
was settled by the joint consent of the Bull Family and 
the preceding Steward,—yet durst she neither openly 
attempt, nor even propose, such a step ; on account ot 
the well-grounded prepossessions of the Family against 
all Peterkins. 

Nan’s first Clerks and Agents in the Steward’s Of¬ 
fice were certainly men of ability, and at least of as 
much integrity and honesty as falls generally to the 
share of persons in their Station. We have already 
observed that even the Whiners, when once they get 
'into the Steward’s Office, are generally sufficiently 
compliant with his will and humour. And though 
Nan’s present chief Agents, Marlville and Eudolphin 
were really of the Whiner Party, they had been edu¬ 
cated in Ranter principles, and accomodated them¬ 
selves so well to their vsituation, that Nan as well as 
many others really believed them downwright Ranters; 

* The Father was indeed dead before Nan succeeded to the Office; 
but the settlement upon her was made, and she acquiesced in it, long 
before his death. 







I 


327 


and as she durst not explicitly profess her own princi- Book 7 . ch. 3 , 
pies, she supposed the case was the same with them, so 
no eclaircissement for a long time took place. 

But some of the other Party, having by means of 
an artful intriguing Waiting-maid got possession of 
Nan’s car, began to insinuate counsels more agreeable 
to her own principles, and soon excited in her mind T! ^ rn ^ ll, "" s 
strong prejudices against her present Confidents and 
Agents. But though Nan had determined to dismiss 
her present Advisers ; yet Marlville had conducted the 
Lawsuit with so much ability and success, and was in 
such high credit with the Partitioners abroad, as w r ell 
as the Folk on the Manor at home, that she could not 
with safety dismiss him, till she was sure of accomplish¬ 
ing the Compromise with Lewis. To obtain this end, 
the New Confidents had also carried on secret intelli¬ 
gence with Lewis and his Agents. And as Lewis’s 
Coffers were quite exhausted, and he was heartily sick 
of the Lawsuit, the Parties soon came to an under¬ 
standing. 

It is not necessary here to enter into the particulars 


and the Ran¬ 
ters brought 
in, by means 
of an In¬ 
triguing 
Chamber¬ 
maid. 


of the Composition, which are generally welt known; Tb p c 0 ^"^ e 5°on 
it is sufficient to observe—that, considering how the ^j^ sh ^rt 
Suit was carried on, and the Expence so unconscionably of what the 

/ A success with 

thrown upon John Bull; though John Bull was fully which it was 
L . rn carried on 

iustified in acceding to a Composition, yet the lerms ought to have 

J i j i • obtained. 

of that Composition were by no means equal to Ins suc¬ 
cess in the Lawsuit, to the enormous Expence at which 
it had been carried on, and the known desperate state 
of Lewis’s Affairs; nor, to what it is well known might 
have been obtained, had his Confidential Agents and 


I 


, 328 

Book 7. ch. 5. the Steward’s Office been zealous and faithful to their 
Trust. The truth is, in this Affair, the Interests of the 
Bull Family were not only partially compromised, but 
most shamefully abandoned and betrayed. 

The opposite Party, or Ranters, had now got full 
possession of Nan’s confidence, and the Steward’s Of¬ 
fice ; and every thing was sacrificed in the violent op¬ 
position of the two Parties; whose greatest aim was to 
degrade and spite one another. Nay, so far did they 
carry their emulation, that several detached Hamlets 
and Farms of considerable value and importance which 
the Partitioners had gained by a decisive Verdict, 
were, on a New Trial being brought, suffered to be 
lost, merely because Nan’s New Attorney, though pre- 
^History 111 of sent in Court, had orders not to plead, nor say one word 
a 0h i"houre!iin defence of the Cause. Thus shamefully and trea- 

Apoiogy for c herously were the honour and interest of John Bull 
skIon^° m ^°”betrayed by his own confidential Agents. Indeed the 
whole of Sir Humphry Polesworth’s celebrated History 
of John Bull’s Lawsuit, is merely a dexterous attempt 
to apologize for Sir Roger and the other Agents con¬ 
cerned in Compounding this Lawsuit; and an endea¬ 
vour, by affected Humour and Nonchalance, to draw 
the attention of the Bull Family from the real merits, 
or rather demerits, of the Transaction. 

. Nan did not long survive this Composition. And 

Death of Nan, though both she and her late accredited Agents de- 

and succes- . 1 ° 

sion of the sired, and had privately intrigued to bring in her Bro- 
Famiiy V - Cr ^ er 5 y e t such was the general detestation of the Prin¬ 
ciples of his Family, and such his own w ell-known bi¬ 
gotry to Peterkinism, that they durst never openly pro- 


329 


pose it, neither to John himself nor to Mrs. Bull’s Book?.ch. 6 , 
Houshold Office. Thus the Handover Settlement, as 
it has been called, took place without any direct or im¬ 
mediate opposition. 


Chap. VI. 

Contents. —Stricture on Sir Humphry Polesworth’s Position, of* the Par¬ 
son being called to account for preaching against Adultery —Character 
of Parson Pratewell*—and the absurd momentary Delusion excited 
on his account.—Sir Humphry equally incorrect in the account he 
gives of the three Misses, Poletnia, Discordia, and Usuria, as John 
Hull’s Daughters. 

It may not be amiss here to take some notice of the 
strange story Polesworth tells, about the Parson of the 
Parish being called to account for preaching against 
adultery, and the slandrous and absurd account he 
gives of John Bull, his Wife, and the three Hussies, 
whom he calls their Daughters. In this part of his un¬ 
dertaking Sir Humphry seems to have quite lost his 
senses; or to have sold them, along with his Conscience, 
to Sir Roger and those by whom he was employed. 

He, indeed, pretends to have been employed by John 

Bull himself: but the contrary of this is well known. Polesworth’* 

story, of the 

And so far do conscience and common sense seem to Parson pu- 
have forsaken him,—that he mistakes, or pretends to Preachingn- 
mistake, Mrs. Bull for the Steward’s Wife, instead of Adul 
John Bull’s. And represents her fidelity to her Hus- 

* S— ch —v—r—1. —Pret. Com. 

U U 


t 







330 


Book 7. ch. 6 . baud, and defending liis Honour and the Interests of 
her Family against the Encroachments and Intrigues 
of the Steward,—as, Maintaining the right of Adultery. 
And announces her bringing this insolent Parson to 
account in her Family Office, for his impertinent med¬ 
dling in this matter—as, Calling the Parson to account 
for preaching against Adultery . All this is such pre¬ 
posterous and extravagant stuff, that it must be con¬ 
cluded, either that it was meant in mere banter and 
waggery, or that the man had lost his senses altogether— 
it was directly for censuring the fidelity of Mrs. Bull to 
her Husband and Family, and for infamously preach¬ 
ing up and defending Adultery and Prostitution even 
from the pulpit, that this impious Parson was called to 
account, and deservedly punished. Indeed, from the 
notorious Commerce of Prostitution now carried on be¬ 
tween the Steward’s Office and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, 
it might be supposed that both Mrs. Bull and her 
Houshold did rather belong to the Steward than to 
John Bull. But it is well known this Commerce has 
not the sanction of Mrs. Bull’s consent, or permission; 
but is prohibited by the Strict and express Orders of 
her Houshold, and restrained by all the Authority left 
her. But she, Good Lady, is alas! as we have said, 
no longer Mistress of her own House. 

But a few words more of this petulant pragmatical 
Parson, who at this time so undeservedly made such a 
noise, and drew such attention. 

T bie°charac- Parson Pratewell, notwithstanding all the bustle 

perfidious™ 1 *kat was made about him, was notoriously a weak, 
of eac parfon 5 conce hed coxcomb. Who, in order to ingratiate 
Pratewell. himself with Nan and the Ranters, to whom it was 




known she secretly inclined, took occasion to obtrude Book 7. ch. G. 
himself upon public Notice, by delivering from the 
pulpit, on several conspicuous occasions, sentiments and 
doctrines, entirely subversive of all the Principles for 
which John Bull and his Family had been struggling 
so strenuously for many generations ; and particularly 
reflecting most scandalously on Mrs. Bull and her 
Houshold Office for her fidelity to her Husband, and 
attention to the interests of her Family. According to 
this presumptuous Parson’s Position—the late opposi¬ 
tion, and expulsion of Yagob, the exclusion of Peter- 
kins from the Stewardship, the Handover Settlement, 
with all pretensions of John Bull to any authority in 
his own Family ; to any interest in, or possession of, 
himself or his Manor, were to be execrated as detestable 
and damnable Doctrines,—and that John Bull and his 
Family had no Freedom, Rights, Privileges, Posses¬ 
sion, or Pretensions whatsoever, but what he held from 
the Indulgence, Favour, and Will, in short—from the 
indefeasible Right of the Steward. 

After the sanctions so solemnly established, as re¬ 
lated above, and in defiance of common sense, such 
Doctrines might be thought strange, and even incredi¬ 
ble ; yet what must be allowed to be still more strange 
and incredible, is, the madness and enthusiasm with 
which this sycophant Parson was for a time held up 
by the infatuated Mob of the Bull Family, gulled and The strange in- 
excited, according to custom, by the influence of the [h^BuUFa- 
Steward’s Office. Never was more enthusiastic ar- t ^“ 

dour and zeal shown in favour of Religion and Liberty, 
than was on this occasion exhibited in favour of more 

uv 2 


332 


]>ook 7. ch. 6. debasing and slavish Doctrines and Principles, than 
ever the most arbitrary Despot durst avow. It is true, 
the Name of John Bull’s Mother was artfully, and insi¬ 
diously, introduced into this affair; and it was insinu¬ 
ated from the Steward’s Office, that her own Son had 
ill designs against her, and even meant to poison her. 
Such were the nefarious arts and practices by which 
this unnatural delusion was excited, and kept up. 

Sucli dangerous and detestable Doctrines, repeat¬ 
edly, publicly, and ostentatiously obtruded, could not 
escape the notice and reprobation of Mrs. Bull’s Of¬ 
fice, as Guardians of the Rights, Peace, and Safety, of 
the Family and Manor. The petulant Parson was 
therefore brought before them, and by them was pro¬ 
secuted in the Steward’s Courts : where, being convicted 
of malice and slander against Mrs. Bull, treachery 
against the Family, and sedition against the Peace and 
Good Order, the Custom and Constitution, of the 
Manor—he was sentenced to go with a Gag in his 
mouth in public for three years, and to have his ser¬ 
mons, which he had obtrusively published, conspicu¬ 
ously burnt by the hands of the Hangman : and many 
think, that had justice been done him according to his 
intentions, he himself should have come through the 
same hands. 

Not only was this sentence lenient to a fault, the 
design and tendency of the offence considered ; but it 
also gave occasion for a striking instance of the deter¬ 
mined enmity of the Steward’s Office to all idea of 
Rights and Privilege in their employ ers, or in the Folk 
on the Manor. And proves, as many* subsequent in- 


333 


stances have done; * * that they esteem no encourage- Book 7 . ch. 6. 
ment too high, no reward too great, for one who will 
betray these Rights, and sacrifice his Family to the Par J!J[L Prate “ 
presumptuous Pretensions of the Steward’s Office. For 
not only was this perfidious Parson immediately pre¬ 
sented to a New Benifice by the Steward’s Office, even 
while his mouth was Gagged, but scarce was he ungagged 
when another, among the best on the Bull Manor, was 
added ;—and this to a mere prating shallow Coxcomb, 
who had no pretensions to genius, learning, character, 
or merit of any kind; except his zeal to betray the ho¬ 
nour and interest of the Bull Family. 

But the most extraordinary and unaccountable 
circumstance in this affair, was, the temporary phrenzy 
with which numbers of the Bull Family were seized in 
favour of this silly insignificant Parson,—who had de¬ 
voted them all to endless slavery, by a sentence which 
he reckoned divine and indefeasible. But this delusion 
appeared at its greatest height, and seemed to rise even p ^J®"JL Prat# * 
to madness, when, on the Gagg being taken from his 
mouth, he set out to take possession of his New Bene¬ 
fice.—Here he might be seen surrounded by a bawling 
Mob, consisting of thousands of people, hallooing— 

Madam Bull and Parson Pratewell—a most mortifying, 
and unseemly association for the Old Lady.—Nothing 
but Bonfires and Ringing of Bells; and even the 
hedges, where he was to pass, were for miles hung with 

* For example—A late hoary Recreant, who never possessed a clear 
a£100. a year of his own, no sooner consented to betray the Bull Family 
and those Principles he had all his life professed, than he had thousands 
on thousands a year heaped upon him : though he had neither a period of 
life left to enjoy it, nor Posterity to inherit it—merely to shew, that no 
price was thought too high to purchase Dishonour and Treason.* 

* Supposed to be the late Mr. B—-rke.—Prel Com. 



334 


i 


Book 7. ch. 6 Garlands.*—Perhaps in the records of human folly 
and delusion this cannot be equalled : though, in our 
own days, the Brimingburg Auto da Fee, and some 
late Jubilant celebrations of the most disastrous, not to 
say fatal, Stewardship which the Bull Family ever 
saw, may be thought in point of infatuation not to fall 
far short of it. And when the unthinking multitude 
may be thus easily made the tools of the artful and ill- 
designing, it is no wonder that they who haye found 
them such perfect dupes, and used them as animals 
only fit to be led by the Nose, should distinguish them 
by the title of the Swinish Multitude. 

But.in all this, the Parson himself was but the in¬ 
strument to try the humour of the Multitude,—the 
OfFal-bag to make the Swinish herd follow. And these 
being found so true to the scent, so ready to be led as 
the Heads of the Party pleased, it was immediately de¬ 
termined to dismiss Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office and 
in a short time there was not one person left unchanged 
about the Steward’s Office or Houshold ; or one of the 
Whiner Party to be found in any Place, Appointment, 
or Office, or allowed to approach the Stewardess’ per¬ 
son or councils. And there cannot be a doubt but a 
scheme was laid to bring in young Yagob, with all the 
Principles and Practices that had been so justly and so¬ 
lemnly, for ever excluded, had not the sudden death of 
„ , ,, the Stewardess prevented it. 

Poleswortn s A 

Account of Nor is Polesworth more correct, or more candid, 

the three ' 

Misbegotten in what lie says of the three impudent Hussies, whom 

Sluts Pole* 

mia,’ Dis-he calls Mrs. Bull’s Daughters,* than in what he says 

Usifria, cor- of Mrs. Bull, and of the Parson’s preaching against 

rcctcd* *■ * * "" —* * ' .. ■ ■ ■■ ■ * ■*■-** ■ 1 ■ ——■ ■ ■ I. m 

* Poleraia, Discord ia, Usuria. 




335 


Adultery. These Sluts are notoriously known to be Book 7.ch. 6. 
the Natural Daughters of the Steward himself, or of 
some of his Clerks in Office;—the fruit of that infa¬ 
mous Commerce carried on between the Steward’s Of¬ 
fice and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold.—About which and the 
foul loathsome disease it has introduced, and almost 
universally diffused, we shall soon have lamentable 
occasion to speak.—It is true, Mrs. Bull, partly from, 
good nature, and partly from not being entire Mistress 
of her own affairs, has permitted them to be brought 
up in the Family; and has been willing to bestow some 
education upon them, and taken some pains to correct 
and restrain their bad propensities; but with little suc¬ 
cess. Polemia, said to be the oldest of these Brim¬ 
stones, is notoriously known to be the Steward’s own 
Daughter, and a great favorite with her Father. Usuria, 
the youngest, is suspected to belong to the Major Domo. 

As to Discordia it is not so clear to whom she owes the 
Paternal Relation, only it is perfectly understood to be 
some one about the Steward’s Office. Some indeed 
reckon this to be much the Oldest of the three Sisters. 

Nay some will have her to be the Mother of Miss Po¬ 
lemia herself. But enough of such Sluts. 



336 


Book 7. ch. 7. ClIAP. VII. 

Contents _The Union of the two Manors of Albion and Caledonia—* 

Transaction of great Partiality and Intrigue—The Caledonian Manor 

merely betrayed, and sold_The Event, however, fortunate for both 

Manors. 

The Union jj ere we mus t mention a matter, certainly of great 

of the two , i 

Manors, &c.importance, which was omitted in its immediate place. 

We have seen the Affairs of the two Manors of 
Albion and Caledonia for some time conducted under 
one Steward. But still each Manor retained its own 
Laws, Customs, Courts Leet, and Courts Baron, and 
a separate Office for the business of the Stewardship 
was kept for each upon the respective Manors. Seve¬ 
ral unsuccessful attempts had at different times been 
made to unite the two Families and two Manors, and to 
make them coalesce entirely, as a joint Stock Company, 
and to have all the Business of both done in one Of¬ 
fice; but, in accomplishing this, innumerable difficul¬ 
ties occurred. Under Nan’s Stewardship, however. 
The Union, the Business was happily accomplished. I say, hap - 
&c — pily —for though the Affair was conducted with the 

most palpable and shameful partiality, bribery, faction, 
and treachery, on the one part and on the other; and 
—conducted though Sandy’s Interests were most notoriously bought 
moS shame- and sold, both by his own Agents and those of his An- 
tyl Eriberyj^agonist; yet hasthe Event in the whole proved highly 
Ion. corup *advantageous for both Families. And both Manors 
have since advanced greatly in wealth and Improve¬ 
ment. And were it not for the insatiable all-devour¬ 
ing rapacity of the Steward’s Office, would undoubt- 













337 


edly be tlie most thriving, and best cultivated Estate, Book 7. ch. 7. 
and the Richest and most happy people, in the whole 
Country round. 

Though the Caledonian Manor is less favorably 
situated, and in many parts of it less capable of Cul¬ 
ture, than the Albion Manor; yet the Family being a 
hardy, vigorous, industrious, and enterprising Race, 
inured to frugality and patience, Sandy had managed 
to keep himself independent, and his Estate clear of 
incumbrances; and so to lower his crest to no man. 

On the contrary, John Bull, since the first Accession 
of a Foreign Steward, and the connection with Affairs 
on Terrafirm, in which it had implicated him, was in- 
cumbered with a load of Debts, daily increasing through 
the boundless profusion of the Steward’s Office, and 
the luxurious Manners and Habits lately contracted by 
the family ; for all which debts Sandy found he should 
be equally answerable, and in all their consequences 
he should be equally involved, if the proposed Union 
took place. Besides, as the Albion Manor was much 
the largest, the richest, and best inhabited, and the 
Steward had constantly resided on it, and held his Of¬ 
fice there, since the Stewardships had been united;—it 
was evident the Lesser Manor would become a mere 
appendage to the Greater. From all these considera¬ 
tions, Sandv and the Genuine Caledonians strenuously 
resisted the Union, and spurned the proposed Condi¬ 
tions; some even talked of forswearing their Family 
and Country for ever, rather than submit to such de¬ 
gradation. But Delegates for carrying the Business 
into effect had been appointed ; and these, supported 
by the interested and intriguing partisans on both 




xx 




338 


Book?. ch.7. sides, went on with the Work, and concluded it, re¬ 
gardless of the general repugnance and discontent. 

Of this Union, or Coalition; or rather, Bargain 
and Sale; the most shameful and degrading Conditions 
The Condi- were the following.-In the Lower Chamber of Mrs. 

tions most 

shamefully Bull’s Houshold Office, which was now become the 
forHieCaie- principal Organ of all Business that concerned the 
domau Man am ili es , and was to be composed of the joint Repre¬ 
sentatives of both, and where every thing is decided 
by a majority of Votes, the Number of Representatives 
allowed to the Caledonian Manor was something less 
than one Twelfth of the whole. And while not the 
smallest alteration was made in the Representation or 
Constitution of the Albion Manor, and every little Ham¬ 
let of perhaps not a dozen inhabitants, continued to 
send its two Delegates to the Palaverium ; the Repre¬ 
sentation and Constitution of the Caledonian Manor 
was entirely changed, and five or six of the principal 
towns and most populous parishes, containing perhaps 
10,000 Inhabitants, were allowed jointly to send one 
Delegate to represent them. So that whenever the In¬ 
terest of the two Families interfered, Sandy was sure to 
have twelve to one against him. Indeed this Article 
was alone sufficient to decide the whole Matter; and 
by it alone the very Name and Independent Existence 
of the Caledonian Family and Manor were extin¬ 
guished, and all entirely consigned over to the disposal 
of John Bull and his Steward for ever. The few De¬ 
legates reserved, serving merely for a channel of Stcw- 
ardical Conveyance, for diffusing Influence and Cor¬ 
ruption through the Manor and among the rest of the 
Family, and now in fact serve no other purpose. 



339 


With respect to the Upper Chamber of Mrs. Book 7 .ch. 7 . 
Bull’s Office the case was, if possible, still worse, and 
the degradation more palpable and personal,—the num¬ 
ber of the Caledonian Family admitted into it not 
amounting to one twentieth of the whole. This Cham¬ 
ber consists constitutionally of the Titulates, or sup¬ 
posed Better Sort, who had some particular distinction 
tor title added to their Name,—originally the mark of 
some personal Achievement, or Official Trust,—now 
the mere compliment of the Steward; generally the re¬ 
ward of adulation and servility. Hence we have dis¬ 
tinguished them by the Name of Titulates. These are 
properly the successors of the antient Men of Renown, 
who on account of some Great or Good Actions per¬ 
formed by them, after they became known in the 
World, had a second Name conferred upon them, ex¬ 
pressive of their Character, and were therefore called 
jRenominati —or Re-named —the Demigods and Heroes 
of Antiquity. Their Successors, ah ! how unlike. 

In this Upper Chamber, then, all Titulates had by 
prescription a right to a seat and Y r ote j and all those 
of John Bull’s Family did Sit and Vote in it. But of 
the Caledonian Family only a few, not amounting as 
we have said, to a twentieth ot the whole Chamber, The Union, 
were to be chosen nominally by the rest of the Titu¬ 
lates, but in fact, by the Steward’s Office, and to be 
permitted to sit in the Upper Chamber. For to such 
servile degradation were these Caledonian Titulates de¬ 
based, that the Steward or his Clerks send them, as 
above noticed, a List of Names called the Steward s 
List, with a mandate to choose them and no others; 
which is generally complied with. 

xx 2 




V 

340 

jjook 7. ch. 7. Now, to put an end to this disgraceful instilt, it 
w r ould surely be a proper Rule, and acting worthy of 
the Antient Caledonian Spirit, to make it a point that 
whoever else should be chosen, not one of the prescribed 
List should be admitted. Especially as beside the in¬ 
solence of the attempt to prescribe on such an occasion, 
it will generally be found, that the prescribed List 
will consist of the most unprincipled, and most servilely 
devoted to all the Steward’s ends and purposes; which 
are too often in direct opposition to the real Interest 
and prosperity of the Family and Manor, to whom the 
Mandate is sent. 

But of all these disgraceful Conditions, perhaps 
the most disgraceful and certainly the most efficacious, 
was, that a large sum of Money was proposed to be 
The pretended immediately paid ; and was accepted, as the price of 
Son P a n pal-this treachery and degradation of Character and 
pabie Bribe. Rank. It is true, this sum was stipulated for, on both 
sides, nominally as a Compensation for the proportion 
of John Bull’s Debts, which it would fall to Sandy’s 
share to pay the Interest of, and discharge the Prin¬ 
cipal, if ever it is discharged—and also, as a Remune¬ 
ration for the loss of the Istmian Adventure —a nefa¬ 
rious Transaction, in which the Caledonians were most 
shamefully sacrificed to the Jealousy and Interest of the 
Bull Family, and many of them entirely ruined; and 
this, with, at least, the connivance of the Steward. 

This Compensation consisting of some hundreds of 
thousands of Pounds was indeed a great sum, and no 
doubt a great temptation, for Sandy’s Agents at that 
time. But it was ridiculous to call a sum that was to 
be immediately paid, and squandered among a few In- 




341 


tlividuals, a Compensation for a Debt for which every Book'i.ch.7. 
individual on the Manor was become responsible, is 
bound for at this day, and will be burdened with to the 
latest generation.——-But the real fact is, this sum was 
a mere bribe, by the certain share of some in it, and the 
hopes of others, to blind the understanding, and buy 
the Justice and Honour of the Leading Men among 
them ; and so to get rid of their opposition on the pre¬ 
sent occasion,—which it effectually accomplished. 

Another consequence of this Union highly de¬ 
grading and injurious to the Caledonian Manor and 
Family, was, that the Steward’s Office was left for ever 
fixed on the Albion Manor; to which, in consequence, 
all the wealth and treasure of the Country flowed in a 
continual stream. And though some may regurgitate 
back again, it is but in a small proportion. Had there 
been any regard to impartiality or justice, to the In¬ 
terest or Dignity of the Caledonian Family, it would 
have been made a sine qua non in the Treaty, that the 
Steward should reside, and hold his Office and Courts at 
certain times, and for certain periods, at Edina, the Great 
Mansion House of the Caledonian Manor; such as one 
year in five; or, to avoid frequent removals, for four 
years in every twenty. 

But, as if to compensate the above disadvantages, 
some very pernicious concessions were granted, in the 
continuation of the Antient Laws and Courts, and the 
absurd formal artificial Mode of practice and proceed¬ 
ing in them. But this, more to elude the Opposition of 
an importunate and procacious set of Men, occupied in 
these Courts, and to leave some objects of emulation 
for the aspiring and ambitious, than with a view to any 


not less per¬ 
nicious than 
the Injuries 
inferred. 



342 


Book 7. ch. 7. advantage of the Family in general. For scarce in any¬ 
thing coukl a Coalescence have been more advantage¬ 
ous to the Caledonian Family, than to have obtained 
an entire assimilation with the Albion Constitution in 
all the Laws, Customs, and Municipal Privileges of the 
Albion Manor : where it must be confessed the Laws 
are both more favorable to the Freedom and Rights of 
the Family in general, and better administered than on 
the Caledonian Manor. 

One point more must by no means be forgotten 
The Choice of here.—That special care was taken in this Treaty to 
Dress* espe-secure toeach the undisturbed use of their own Holiday 
cured. st " Dress or Sunday’s Suit. Nor can this be reckoned ei¬ 
ther a superfluous, or an unimportant Provision,—con¬ 
sidering the shocking work the Differences about this 
Matter had made even so lately on Sandy’s Manor. 


End of the First Part. 


J. Draktird, Printer, Stamford. 













Speedily taill be publhhedy 

THE SECOND PART OF JOHN BULL’S BIBLE, 

$c. S)C. 

Bringing down these Memoirs to the Astonishing and Interesting Events 

of the Present Day. 

























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1 ■ .. ■ ; ■ 






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‘• id u - ’■ Hi \ ' ; *i ii . :-t 


















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JOHN BULL’S BIBLE ; 

OR MEMOIRS 

OF THE 

STEWARDSHIP AND STEWARDS 

OF 

Joint Bull's /Hanoi* of OSrrat SUiuon, 

FROM 

THE EARLIEST TIMES TO THE PRESENT: 

SHEWING, 

FIRST.-HOW JOHN BULL’S STEWARDS SEIZED INTO THEIR OWN HANDS 

T 

HIS MANOR OF ALBION, AND BECAME MASTERS BOTH OF HIM AND 
OF HIS ESTATE. 

SECOND.'—-BY WHAT STEPS THE BULL FAMILY HAVE RECOVERED, AT 
LEAST THE NOMINAL POSSESSION OF THEIR MANOR AND RIGHTS. 

WITH SOME STRICTURES ON THE NOTORIOUS COMMERCE OF PROSTI¬ 
TUTION AND ADULTERY, CARRIED ON BETWEEN THE CLERKS AND 
SCRIV.INERS OF THE STEWARD’S OFFICE AND MRS. BULL’* DOMES¬ 
TICS ; BY WHICH THE ABOVE RECOVERY IS RENDERED IN EFFECT 
NULL AND VOID. 


By DEMODOCUS POPLICOLA. 


Populum falsis vocibus 

Dedocet uti.—H or. 

To open their eyes, and to turn them from darkness to light. —Act. Apost. 

IN TWO VOLUMES. 


VOL. II. 



LonDott: 

PRINTED FOR RIDGWAYS, PICCADILLY. 


1817 









Printed by Paris 4 Cowell, 

7, Look's Court, Chancery Lane, London „ 







$ 


/ 


The Editor, from distance of situation, not having had an opportunity of 
revising the Proofs, is concerned to find the following Errata; and it 
is feared there may be others which have yet escaped notice, espe¬ 
cially in the First Volume. 


ERRATA. 

Page 15, line 15—insert a comma after procure. 

22 ..... 7—the marginal reference * should be at line 11th follow# 
ing Grcenglen ,* where for Beaside read Breaside. 

24 .... 22—for Elinos read Elinor. 

46 ... .^ 5—for Set'ious read Seniors. 

56 ••••>• 6 from the bottom, for 15,000 read 115,000. 

67 • • • • 12—for Bull Family read Handover Family. 

67 • • f • 19—for Raruu read Rams. 

68 • • • • 10 from the bottom, erase Palavcrium. 

78 .... 7—fbr his read this. 

80 • • • • 2 from the bottom, for require read requires. 

84 ... . 4—for conscious read conscius. 

118 • • • ♦ 1 of the Note, for soivent read doivent . 

123 • • • • 21—for Balloons read Batoons. 

142 •••* 14—for amiable read amicable. 

159 • * • • 11 from the bottom, for on read or. 

162 • • • • 4—insert the before Bull Manor. 

190 • • • • 4—for appointment read apportioning. 

201 • • • • 13—for him read them. 

206 ••••!& 2—for disputed read disregarded. 

245 • • • • 15—after diffusing insert them. 

249 .... 2—for malum read malam. 

260 • • • • 5 — for theirs read his. 

265 • • • • 14—erase as, which should have been prefixed to formally 
in the preceding line. 

272 • • •. 18—for fasit read fas sit. 

272 • • • • 5 from the bottom, for on read or. 

285 <••••. 4 from the bottom, for they would read to. 




























































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* 

































\ 




JOHN BULL’S BIBLE, 


I • r 


BOOK VIII. 



Chap. I. 

0 

CoNtfcNls. —Accession of the Bruntwick Family—Stewardship of th$ 
first Agricol—this Agricol, a plain well-meaning man, neither defi¬ 
cient in understanding nor spirit, hut brought up in Terrafirmat 
habits:—-could not readily adopt, nor even comprehend, either the 
principles and habits of the Bull Family, or the laws and customs 
of the Albion Manor.—This defect might have been remedied had 
he fallen into prudent and honest hands.—The case the direct con¬ 
trary:—the Steward’s name most openly and insidiously used to direct, 
and influence, the choice of Mrs. Bull’s first Houshold—in defiance 
of the most essential principle of the Constitution of the Manor.— 
Still more express orders to the same purpose sent to the Titulates 
of the Caledonian Manor. 

A. DEED of Settlement, as we have intimated in the pre¬ 
ceding part of these Memoirs, had been long made and exe¬ 
cuted, by which all Peterkins were for ever excluded from 
the Stewardship of the Manor of Great Albion; and the suc¬ 
cession, after the decease of Molly, Billy, and Nan, without 
issue, settled on the Bruntwick Family; being the nearest Re- 
formadist Heirs. In consequence of this settlement, Agricol, 
the heir male of that family, was sent for from Terratirm, 
and quietly put in possession of the Stewardship. 


VOL. II 


R 



2 


Agricol probably owed this quiet and peaceable entry on 
the Stewardship to the timely, and very opportune death of 
Nan, his predecessor. Had she lived to carry into execution 
the schemes which she and her Ranter agents had laid, there 
can be no doubt but attempts would have been made to have 
set aside the Handover Settlement. And though this in Nan 
might be excusable, and seem even natural and right, as 
being in favor of a presumed brother; yet, such had been the 
incorrigible folly of the Yagob Family; such their infatuated 
bigotry to Peterkinism; such the tendency of that pernicious 
system to the enslavement of mankind, and to the universal de¬ 
basement of the human race, that no pretence of private 
right, could justify, in any member of the Bull Family, the 
attempt of a further experiment. 

It will perhaps be said, that had the design of the Yagobites 
succeeded, John Bull’s Family and affairs could not have been 
in a more deplorable and desperate state than they now are : 
such is the insatiable, all-ingulfing rapacity and prodigality of 
the Steward’s Office, supported by that commerce of prostitu¬ 
tion carried on between the Steward’s Agents and Mrs. Bull’s 
Houshold; and such the deplorable state of the family, rotting 
and putrefying into rank corruption, under the effects of that 
foul disease which this commerce has introduced ; and which, 
since the accession of the Bruntwick Family, has been still 
more widely diffused, and become more incurable than ever. 
But who then knew, or could have anticipated the epidemical 
nature, universal spread, and fatal effects of that horrible 
disease. 

This Agricol was himself a plain honest well-meaning man, 
and nowise deficient either in understanding, or spirit; and 
had he fallen into good hands, might have made an excellent 
Steward. But he had been brought up in habits and princi** 
pies so discordant with those of the Bull Family, and inured 
to laws and customs so different from those of the Manor of 


3 


\ 


Albion, that it was impossible his character and conduct 
should not take a strong and lasting bias from them, especially 
as he was far advanced in years at the time of his succession 
to the Stewardship. In these Memoirs we have already taken 
notice, that on almost every estate and manor on Terrafirm, 
the Stewards had, by degrees, seized into their own hands the 
whole property and possession; and reduced the real pro¬ 
prietors and cultivators to mere dependants and vassals. In 
maxims, habits, and principles, entirely adapted to this state 
of things, Agricol, now far advanced in life, had hitherto lived; 
and could scarce have a conception of any thing so different 
from them as the Constitution of the Albion Stewardship re¬ 
quired. It is true that he had heard that John Bull was a 
gentleman of a free and independent spirit, and that the cus¬ 
toms of the Manor were favorable to that freedom of charac¬ 
ter. But then he thought this disposition was sufficiently 
indulged in the liberty he assumed in choosing and appointing 
his own Steward ; and concluded, that when once chosen and 
appointed, that Steward became possessed of all the powers 
and pretensions claimed by other Stewards, with whom he, 
Agricol, had been acquainted. For he could not conceive 
any thing so contrary to his habitual notions and ideas, as that 
every man on the Manor of Albion, was as free, and as much 
master of his own person and property as the Steward him¬ 
self ; and that the Steward was himself subject to the laws of 
the Manor, as well as the poorest peasant upon it. He had 
heard, indeed, that there were laws and customs by which the 
exercise of his office was to be regulated; but could not 
divest himself of the idea that these laws, as well as the 
Manor itself, and all upon it, were at his disposal; only in 
disposing of them he was to have a certain regard to the 
custom of the Manor. 

0 

Had those who were about the Steward, and conducted 
the business of the office, been honest, and faithful to John Bull 

B 2 







I 


4 

and his Family, they might no doubt have in a great measure cor¬ 
rected Agricol’s false notions ; and informed him particularly of 
the laws, customs, and economy of the Manor. 13ut though they 
were of the Whiner party, who pretend to stand by John 
Bull and his Family in preference to the Steward; this, as is 
generally the case, proved a mere pretence to gain credit with 
the folk on the Manor, and get the places and appointments 
of trust and profit into their hands ; in which, when they 
had succeeded, they were as subservient to the Steward as the 
most professed Ranters could have been ; and they cared not 
how high he set his pretensions, so long as they were the 
instruments of asserting them. So long as they could keep 
possession of the Steward’s confidence, and their places in 
his office, the more he claimed, and obtained, the greater their 
influence, pow er, and profits became; for all came through 
their hands, and especially in the present instance, where the 
Steward was a stranger not only to the laws and customs, but 
even to the language spoken oil the Manor, the power was 
almost entirely in their hands; and a most pernicious use they 
made of it. 

Immediately on the arrival of Agricol, Mrs. Bull’s Hous- 
hold Office had been dismissed, and a new one ordered to be 
chosen. And although it is one of the most essential and im¬ 
portant points of the Constitution of the Manor to preserve 
the choosing of these delegates of the Family free and un¬ 
biassed; and especially to exclude all influence and interfe¬ 
rence of the Steward’s Office ; yet were orders and instructions 
openly given from that office to the different electing bodies, 
to take care to choose only such as were known to be entirely 
devoted to the Handover interest; and the utmost art, in¬ 
dustry, and influence, were used to effect this purpose; and 
they succeeded fully to their wish. In an Address to the. 
Bull Family at this time, with a view to the above choosing 
of Mrs. Bull’s Iloushold, it is observable, that the New 


Steward in every sentence a' eady is made to assume the 
Family, the Manor, and all it contains, as a perfect property; 
and as entirely his own, as if the first had been his servants 
born in his house, and the res his alodial property, possessed 
from generation to generation :—it is, at every word ,—my 
folk, my Manor, my faithful vassals, See. 8cc. And under 
these characters he claims, and reckons upon their fidelity, 
attachment, and obedience, with as much familiarity and con¬ 
fidence, as if he had already conferred the greatest blessings 
and benefits upon them. 

This insolent and unaccountable presumption and encroach¬ 
ment appeared especially in one particular instance. The 
Optimates, or Titillates, on the Caledonian Manor send to 
the Upper Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Office a certain number of 
their body, chosen to represent the whole. To these Titil¬ 
lates the New Steward had the presumption to send an ex¬ 
press list of names, which they were required to return as 
chosen; without leaving them the least exception or choice. 
This list was called the Steward's List; from which it was 
intimated, that no variation would be allowed.- Bribes of 
offices and appointments, and remission of debts due to the 
family accounts, were expressly promised to such as complied 
implicitly with this Mandate. And further, to secure com¬ 
pliance, a thousand daring fellows, bailiffs, bullies, bravos, 
armed with bludgeons and all sort of weapons, hired by the 
Steward, were sent to surround the Great House where 
the choosing was to take place, in order by terror to force 
obedience to the above Mandate. In short, so well was the 
business conducted, that the names in the prescribed list were 
returned, freely chosen , without one alteration or exception. 
Such is the mode in which these Caledonian Titillates allow 
themselves to be treated : and such the servile compliance, 
of this degraded mercenary race, in a matter on which their 
whole pretensions to dignity or freedom depends: but the 


6 


presumption and insolence of this transaction can by no means 
be imputed to Agricol; who could neither be sufficiently 
acquainted with the laws sand customs of the Manor to know 
how much he was violating them ; nor sufficiently informed 
of the persons and characters out of whom the choice was to 
be made, to know whom to name and fix upon. i he whole 
infamy must, therefore, rest with those traitors, who had got 
him into their hands, and by such means were resolved to 
keep him so; and, with the degraded Caledonian Titillates, 
who could deign to receive, much more to obey, such an in¬ 
sulting Mandate. 

To this Mandate the following is suggested as a proper 
answer. 

\ Je * . f * 

“ To the Albion Stewards Office. 

“ A Letter has been received by the Caledonian Optimates, 
importing,to be a Mandate from the Steward’s Office; and 
by his authority, prescribing to them certain names and per¬ 
sons to be chosen by them as their delegates and representa¬ 
tives in the Paiaverium about to be assembled. The Cale¬ 
donian Optimates dare not admit the supposition that the 
Steward could have such a contemptible opinion of them, as 
to believe them capable of receiving, or obeying, such a Man¬ 
date ; or can be so void of a sense of honor himself, as to 
wish that they could receive or obey it. They, therefore, 
ascribe the insolent order entirely to the baseness of some 
pernicious and obtiusive traitors about the Steward’s Office; 
who having already treacherously and corruptly robbed them 
of their country and rights, mean also to rob them of their ho¬ 
nor, and all estimation of character and worth. 1 hey, therefore, 
find it incumbent upon them, in vindication both of their own 
honor, and of their estimation of the Steward’s honor, to re¬ 
solve not to admit one individual of the prescribed list . A re- 













7 


solution, which they are assured the Steward himself, and every 
person of honor and spirit about his office, if any such there be 
about it, must both respect and approve.” 

The above infamous transaction being mentioned in the 
Upper Chamber ot Mrs. Bull’s Office, was denied by some 
members o! the Steward’s Office, which occasioned authentic 
documents in proof of it to be produced in the Chamber. 


Chap. II. 


Contents. —The Stewardship of Agricol continued.—The New Steward 
and his Agents having got Mrs. Bull’s Office filled to their mind— 
from hence begins a boundless scene of equal rapacity and profusion. 
—Solution of this extravagancy of the New Stewardship—and of Mrs. 
Bull’s submission to it.—An abortive attempt to restore the Yagob 
Family.—The prostitute, debauched, and diseased state of Mrs. Bull’s 
Houshold, and many others on the Manor.—John Bull himself said 
to be sound—and determined to be Master of his own Family and 
Manor :—upon the issue of this point depends the Fate of the Family. 


Agricol and bis agents having, through the influence 
of the Steward’s Office, as mentioned above, filled both Cham¬ 
bers of Mrs. Bull’s Oflice with a set entirely to their mind, 
commence a scene of rapacity from the folk on the Manor, 
and of waste and profusion upon themselves, far exceeding 
all former example; but, which continues increasing to this 
day; and has at last reduced a great part of the Family to 
beggary, and its fortune to bankruptcy. And from hence 
the continuation of these Memoirs will consist of little beside 
details of the boundless rapacity, and no less boundless profu- 


/ 




a 


sion, of the Steward’s Office; the shameless and corrupt pros¬ 
titution of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold; and the miserable effects of 
both on the united families. And however painful and dis¬ 
gusting these details may be, both to the writer and reader, 
nothing beside a particular, and detailed statement of them, 
can give any conception of an extravagance so boundless; or 
gain belief for facts so incredible. 'Fill this period, there 
had been at least a struggle between the Steward’s Office on 
the one part, and the Palaverium, in behalf of the Family, on 
the other. But from hence, we shall find nothing but com¬ 
pliments and compliances, profession, profusion, flummery, 
and flattery, on the one part and on the other; which will 
probably go on as long as John Bull can supply the occasion, 
and administer the means, for their mutual complacency; 
except the Family shall raise their all-powerful voice, and put 
a stop to it. It requires but that voice , if uttered calmly, 
firmly, and unanimously, effectually to arrest this all over¬ 
whelming inundation, and to say, “ Hitherto shalt thou come, 
and no further.” Vox Populi , vox Dei. 

It may seem strange that this Bruntwick race of Stewards, 
coming into office by the mere partiality of the Bull Family 
for their Reforniadism, and with so little claim on the liberality 
of that Family, should, in their expence and demands of con¬ 
tribution, so far exceed even the most prodigal of the former 
native race of Stewards. This paradox may probably be re¬ 
solved into the foreign education and habits of the two first 
Stewards of this race, and their partiality to their native coun¬ 
try and connections ; and hence a constant propensity to sacri¬ 
fice the prosperity, and lavish the property, of the Bull Family 
and Manor upon those foreign, but with them far more imme¬ 
diate and important interests and connections. 1 he former 
Stewards, however profligate in their characters, or arbitrary 
in their principles, felt themselves still natives of the Manor, 
gnd were conscious of a natural identity with the Family $ 














9 


while the new race, with their foreign affinities, and their 
-Terrafirmal ideas of Stewardship, might very naturally consider 
the Manor, the people, and all upon it, as a lucky accession 
of fortune; which they had a right to turn to the greatest ad¬ 
vantage to themselves, their family, and connections. And what 
might greatly contribute to render these conceptions permanent, 
was, that this first Agricol, and also his Son and Successor, who 
together held the Stewardship near fifty years,were both far ad¬ 
vanced in life, had families, and all their habits were formed, and 
fixed, before their accession. And what might tend still further 
to keep up these selfish foreign conceptions and habits, i-s, that 
the Family have always intermarried back into their own stock, 
and Terrafirmal connections; but all this on the part of the 
- Steward may be perfectly natural ; it is the patient acquies¬ 
cence of the Bullcaledon Family that makes the mys¬ 
tery. That the Family itself which is sacrificed; and espe¬ 
cially that Mrs. Bull, who holds the purse, should submit, and 
comply with this gross and ruinous imposition and profusion 
is surely a thing most unaccountable. But this seeming 
mystery must, we suppose, be resolved into what we have 
already said, that the good lady is no longer mistress of her 
own house. And in consequence of that infamous commerce 
of prostitution carried on between the Steward’s Office and 
her Houshold, a set of prostitutes, pimps and pandars, sup¬ 
ported by the influence and profusion of the Steward’s Agents, 
have gotten herself, her house, and all her affairs, into their 
hands; and Mrs. Bull is now in fact little more than a name, 
or cypher, in her own family. And with what frugality, and 
integrity, John Bull’s property is likely to be managed in 
such hands, may be easily estimated from the known honor 
and conscience of such characters ! 

The party who had now got the New Steward into their 
hands were nominally the Whiners; and in the natural anti¬ 
pathy of parties, their first object was revenge on their oppo- 


i 


10 


nents and predecessors. And to render them the more ob- 
noxious to the present possessor, among many other malver¬ 
sations, they accused them of a fixed design to set aside the 
settlement in his family, and to restore Y oung Y agob and 
the direct line. And could they have succeeded to their wish, 
they would no doubt have brought many of their antagonists 
to the gallows. Some of the most obnoxious took care to 
make their escape ill time; and others, after long danger and 
v durance, were saved by the interposition of impartial friends, 
and the moderation of Agricol himself; who, it must be ac¬ 
knowledged, had very wisely, and very naturally, more relish 
for the wealth, than for the blood, of the Bull Family. 

Y et such was the unwise partiality of the Steward for the 
one party, and so entirely had he thrown himself into their 
hands, that out of mere resentment of this so palpable par¬ 
tiality, a real design was formed by a few, and secretly encou¬ 
raged by not a few, to restore Y oung Y agob. In pursuance 
of this design, Yagob, in concert with his partizans on both 
Manors, actually made au entry upon the Caledonian Manor, 
and even began some law proceedings; but was soon cast, non¬ 
suited, and fain to escape with safety of life and limb; which 
was better fortune than fell to the share of many of his friends 
and supporters; a great number of whom atoned for their 
folly with their ears, amt some with their heads. 

At the time this attempt took place, it was deservedly con¬ 
sidered as a rash ill-judged and unjustifiable enterprise, on 
the part of those of the Bull and Caledon Families who en¬ 
gaged in it; for the inc rrigible character of the Yagob Family 
was well known, and Agricol bad yet done nothing to forfeit 
the confidence of the family or folk on the Manor; his un¬ 
wise partiality to one party, and intermeddling in the choosing 
of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold (Mice, being imputable rather to 
those into whose hands he had fallen, than either to any ill 
design, or ill disposition, of his own : and the failure of the 


n 

undertaking at the time it took place gave very general satis¬ 
faction. But whether at this time John Bull has reason to 
congratulate himself upon it, may perhaps be thought a point 
somewhat more equivocal: for such is the contemptible 
lolly and weakness; such the incorrigible obstinacy and 
bigotry ot that infatuated Family towards Peterkinism, that in 
all probability had the attempt succeeded, it would soon have 
proved its own antidote; and by exciting the indignation and 
resentment of the Family would have roused it once more to 
have vindicated itself by again expelling them from the 
Stewardship and Manor for ever. But such is the slow, 
silent-working, unsuspected effect of this poison of seduction, 
at present so profusely administered, that it awakes no suspi¬ 
cion, provokes no resentment excites no alarm: even now', 
when by unbounded prostitution it has infected almost 
the whole Family with this loathsome disease, and turned 
Mrs. Bull’s Office into a lazarhouse of incurables; still it is 
scarce permitted to say that the malady exists. And even 
those who are in the most disgusting state of putrefaction, and 
rotting alive in their own corruption, will scarcely allow either 
themselves to be tainted, or the disease to be contagious or 
dangerous. Yet such is the present desperate state of the 
Family, that many believe it to be past all cure. 

In this deplorable state of the Bull Family, if there be any 
hope, it is this—that th t.Ji in the chief Branches of the 
Family, where the disease has been pampered and encouraged 
by hot stimuli, and high living, it is believed to be almost 
universal and irrecoverable; yet the middling and more tem¬ 
perate part of the Family may still be sound; and it is 
asserted that John Bull himself is yet uninfected: and 
though he has of late been jostled out of sight by some ambi¬ 
tious prodigal upstarts of his Family; who have devoured his 
wealth with harlots, and wasted his substance with riotous 
living; and colleaguing with the Steward’s Office have f 


12 


brought him to the very brink of ruin and bankruptcy ; yet it 
is said the Old Gentleman is still in good health and vigour, 
and declares that he will still be himself, and shew that he is 
Master of his own House, and Lord of his own Manor. This 
point indeed seems to be now at issue between John Bull, 
supported by the sane and sound part of his family, and the 
Steward’s Agents supported by the profligate and infected 
part; and as the event shall prove, the fate of this antient and 
renowned House and Family will be determined, if the 
sound part of the Family prevail, and John Bull can be again 
restored to the disposal of his own House and Manor, and 
can put a stop to that adulterous commerce between the 
Steward’s Office and his Wife’s Domestics, from which the 
whole mischief has sprung, the Family may yet teco er its 
health and vigour, and restore its ruined affairs : but should 
the infected part prevail, it is all over with John Bull. The 
wretched remains of the Family can only be consigned as in¬ 
curables to pesthouses and lazerettos, to corrupt, and fester 
into complete putrefaction: or, perhaps, some of the 
sounder branches of the Family may betake themselves, with 
what part of their property they can save from the insatiable 
grasp of the Steward’ O ce, to lie great Columbian Manor ; 
where some slips of the Family having be n long transplant¬ 
ed, have deservedly vindicated themselves from the enervating 
grasp, and all devouring fangs of the Steward’s Office and 
Agents ; and are become a separate and independant Family. 
Under a more free and liberal economy, these Branches have 
thriven, and prospered to an astonishing degree, and promise 
even to excel the parent stock. 


13 


Chap. III. 

Contents. —The Stewardship of Agricol continued.—Agricol’s admission 
to the Stewardship founded ou an express Deed and Contract under 
many necessary and essential Limitations and Restrictions.—A List 
of the chief Restrictions.—A most essential Law of the Manor—that 
Mrs. Bull’s Office should be re-chosen once in three years—but 
Agricol and his Agents persuade them to Vote themselves for Seven 
years instead of Three—which is done—without even consulting 
John Bull or the Family. The whole Limitations and Restrictions 
laid upon Agricol swept away by another Vote of these faithful Dele¬ 
gates ! 

Now for the Economy of the New Steward and his Agents. 
This Agricol, as we have said, had been born and educated 
on Terrafirm ; and there he had conducted the affairs of a 
small Manor, or Farm, which, according to the practice of 
that district of the country, he considered as his own. And 
though he knew that the customs, maxims, and practices of 
the Bull Family and Manor of Great Albion were very diffe¬ 
rent ; and had engaged to conduct their affairs according to 
their own laws and customs ; yet was it almost impossible for 
him to divest himself of ideas and habits become so natural 
to him, and confirmed by the universal practice of all Manors 
and Stewards with whom he had ever had any connection. It 
is true he understood that the economy and practices of the 
Albion Manor were peculiar, and that he was expected to 
have some regard to them ; but that the Manor itself, with 
the folk upon it, were not now become his, and the economy 
of it at his disposal, was an idea he could with difficulty con¬ 
ceive, or admit. 

But to obviate the danger that might arise from this intro¬ 
duction of a foreign Steward, bred in maxims and principles 
*o entirely different from those of the Albion Manor and 
Family, the Deed of Settlement was preceded by certain 




/ 


14 

very necessary and express Limitations and Restrictions, which 
it was thought were a full security against all danger: and 
these Restrictions were enacted by the same solemn sanction 
upon which the Settlement itself rested ; and were indeed an 
essential part of that Settlement. 

Of these Restrictions, the following were the chief and 
most important:—1. That John Bull, his Family, and the 
folk on the Manor should, on no pretence, be put to any 
charge, ex pence, or trouble, in any law proceedings, disputes, 
or quarrels whatsoever which related to any foreign Manor, 
or Estates in which the Steward might be personally con¬ 
cerned ; nor be at all implicated in any atfairs, connections, 
or engagements of the Steward’s, which did not immediately 
concern the Bull Manor and Family, except with the consent 
of Mrs. Bull’s Office. 

2. That the Steward for the time being should, on no pre¬ 
tence whatever, leave the Manor and repair to Terratirm, 
without the consent of Mrs. Bull’s Office. 

3. That no person, who w-as not born on the Manor, or 
did not belong to the Bull Caledon or Blunt Families, nor 
any others in trust for them, should be capable of holding any 
office, place, or appointment under the Steward, on any of 
these M anors; or of any grant of lands, tenements, or heredi¬ 
taments on the Manors. 

4. That no person holding any place or appointment in 
the Steward’s Office, or under the Steward, should be capa¬ 
ble of holding a seat in the Lower Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s 
Office. 

The great importance of these articles, especially of the 
first and last, may be conceived from the miserable effects 
that have followed, from the entire disregard of them. But, 
indeed, the reference in most of them to the consent of Mrs . 
Bull's Office —was, and has continued to be, from the acces¬ 
sion of that Family to the present time, equivalent to a full 


15 


repeal of the whole. The least intimation of the will, or 
wish, of the Steward being now certain to command the 
eager consent, and emulous compliance of that colluvies of 
purchased and paid prostitutes. 

The above Limitations and Restrictions, together with a 
standing Law of the Manor formerly mentioned,—that Mrs. 
Bull’s Houshold Office should be chosen anew every three 
years, were, no doubt, thought sufficient security against 
any danger that could be apprehended from the prepossessions 
of the Steward, or the complaisance of those he had asso¬ 
ciated to him : but all this was binding Samson with a cob¬ 
web. All these obstacles were nothing in the way of such 
determined leaders as Agricol had got at the head of his 
corps : by their subservient Palaverium, which we observed 
they had found the means to procure the whole, with every 
other security that John Bull had, or could have, for his per¬ 
son, estate, property, or privilege of any kind, were puffed 
away with one blast of the breath of their mouths. 

Mrs. Bull’s Office, with the consent of the Steward,' as 
we have said, for the time they were chosen, could make laws 
to bind the inhabitants of the Manor in all cases whatsoever. 
They were therefore chosen but for three years at the longest: 
and if they attempted any thing contrary to the interest, or 
general sense of the family, they might be dismissed at any 
time, and turned out of doors by the Steward, at the desire of 
the family and folk on the Manor. But at the end of three 
years, their existence and authority expired of itself by the 
inviolable laws of the Manor: thus no very lasting mischief 
could be incurred. 

But the present Steward, and those about him, being sensi¬ 
ble that they had got together a set so perfectly to their pur¬ 
pose, and on whose subserviency they could so entirely de¬ 
pend; and being also sensible, that they were deservedly 
loosing the confidence of the family and folk on the Manor— 


10 


when the time of dismission approached,—dreading to trust 
to a new choice,—they ventured upon the most daring, im¬ 
pudent. and perfidious attempt that ever was conceived or 
perpetrated, under a delegated authority, and by a commis¬ 
sioned and intrusted body* They dared, without so much as 
consulting John Bull, or his family, on whose will and choice 
their existence and power entirely depended—instead of three 
years, to vote themselves permanent for seven years!! ! This 
step was first devised in the Steward’s Office, and from thence 
proposed to their tools in Mrs. Bull’s Office, and readily ac¬ 
quiesced in. 

Had the Bull Family on this occasion done themselves 
justice, they would at once have sent Agricol back to his Ter-- 
rafirmal Farm and his Agents along with him ; or at least 
have made those Agents incapable of ever after holding place, 
office, or trust, on the Manor of Great Albion. Instead of 
which, the term of seven years has been allowed to continue 
ever since to be the period for which Mrs. Bull’s Office is 
chosen, and continued. 

This act of unparalleled presumption was in fact, assu¬ 
ming into their own hands at once the whole possession, and 
disposal, of John Bull’s person, family, manor, and every 
thing that could be cai ed property; and ousting him of it 
for ever. For if they could vote themselves into such exist¬ 
ence and power one day beyond that which terminated their 
constituted existence and power, they might do it for ever„ 
And in effect it is the same thing; for what has been once 
done may with better authority be done again whenever there 
shall be occasion. And whoever shall live half the period w r e 
have now' reached from this last attempt, will, 1 may venture 
to say, if our present politics be persisted in, see a similar, or 
more desperate expedient recurred to. For “ if they have 
done this thing in the green tree, what shall be done in the 
dry r”—If at that time, on the coming in of a New Steward, 




17 


by more indulgence, they dared to venture upon such a step, 
now that the whole business and trade of prostitution is esta¬ 
blished, and reduced into a regular system, what may they 
not attempt ? It could surely incur much less imputation of 
rashness and presumption, tiow to determine themselves to 
be perpetual, and all vacancies as they occur to be filled up 
by the nomination and appointment of the Steward, than at 
that time to do what they did. And for this mode of choosing 
they would have a precedent and example already established, 
and in daily practice upon the foundation of the same assump¬ 
tion, in the appointment of the Overseers and Inspectors of 
John Bull’s Mother’s Houshold and Family, by the ridicu¬ 
lous farce of a Conge D’Elite —a leave to choose the person 
already chosen and sent to them. And when John Bull shall 
have become as meek, humble, and tractable as his Spiritual 
Guides, he may have the same honor of a Stewardical choice 
of his Representatives conferred upon him ; and indeed, in 
many instances, to all practical ends and purposes this is 
already the case. And that the form, or farce, of choosing 
is still allowed to be kept up, is, because from the number of 
instances in which the Steward’s influence appoints the mem¬ 
bers of Mrs. Bull’s Office, and from the ready compliance 
the least intimation of the Steward’s will is sure to meet with, 
there is no occasion to change it: these Steward-chosen 
members, with the influence of the well-known commerce of 
prostitution between the Steward’s Office and Mrs. Bull’s 
Houshold being always sufficient to give the Steward the 
full command of Mrs. Bull’s Office. But though thus, in 
effect, the Steward has the full disposal of Mrs. Bull’s Office, 
there might vet be some further convenience in having that 
power formally and expressly acknowledged; an improve¬ 
ment at which, in the present progress of things, it is not im¬ 
probable they may soon arrive. 

On the whole—when it is considered that the absolute power 
VOL. li. c 






18 


* 

of making and establishing laws and customs, and of disposing 
of all things whatsoever on the Manor, lies wholly in the two 
Chambers of Mrs. Bull’s Office with the consent of the 
Steward, and that the whole security of the Family lay in the 
right of removing their delegates, if they abused their trust, at 
the end of three years—it is clear that the moment Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, with the consent of the Steward, took upon themselves 
to determine the time of their own continuance, they assumed 
to themselves the sole right and property, and absolute dis¬ 
posal of John Bull, his family, lands, and possessions of every 
kind: and hence, perhaps, a more perfidious transaction, 
and one implying more important consequences, is not to be 
found in the History of Manorial Economy. 

It is true, there is, in nature and reason, with respect to 
every case of this kind, become desperate, a last resource, 
when every delegated trust returns to the fountain head from 
whence it sprung, the w hole body of the people concerned ; 
with whom it, no doubt, at all times ultimately rests. But 
this, it must be confessed, is often a dangerous resource. But 
even this, those presumptuous usurpers will scarcely allow; 
but will hold themselves to be the ultimate source of all 
authority and power. And even those temporary delegates 
wall not allow 7 that thev are at all accountable, individual!v. 
for the use they make of their trust, to those from whom 
they individually receive it; but the moment you have chosen 
them to maintain and defend your rights and privileges, they 
spurn at the idea of admonition and instruction ; and hold it 
indisputable, that they have a right to bargain for, sell and 
dispose of you, and all the rights and privileges you possess, 
at their own pleasure and for their ow n interest and advan¬ 
tage, for the whole time they have been intrusted with them; 
and conformable to the example just recorded, for as much 
longer as they choose to assume to themselves. 

And this principle, no less absurd than pernicious, has 



19 


\ 


been expressly maintained by some of the most distinguished 
among them.* This is, no doubt the reason why a situation 
in Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office, which honest men were 
formerly paid for undertaking, is now not only gratuitously 
undertaken, and eagerly sought after at great expence; but 
even purchased with large sums by any who can afford to pay 
for it ; being conscious to what a ready, and profitable 
market they can always carry themselves and those who have 
intrusted them. At a certain emporium no articles are more 
marketable than honor and conscience. A well-known Mem¬ 
ber of this Office being reproached with selling his Consti¬ 
tuents, very ingenuously replied—“ I bought them, and by 
G—d I’ll sell them.”ff But the worst of all is, this most 
traitorous traffic, in which John Bull and all his interests are 
thus bought and sold, is wholly carried on with his own 
money on both sides. 

These usurpers having thus assumed to themselves the 
power of doing what they pleased, all the Restrictions and 
Limitations mentioned above, under which the Handover 
Settlement took place, were of course become nothing. In 
several of them the restraints were referred to the consent of 
Mrs. Bull’s Office : and with such an obsequious office as 
they had got, this was certainly sufficient for all that could be 
desired. But what! Shall this Great Personage, who has 
already the disposal of John Bull and all that belongs to him, 
condescend to ask, or consult the said John Bull, how he 
shall dispose of himself? Shall he, who has bought an Ass 
in the market, ask that Ass to what work he shall put him ? 
where he shall ride or drive him ? or, whether he may sell him 
afrain at a good market? Away with such degrading notions ! 
You belong to me, and I w ill dispose of you ; or, in the 


♦ The late Mr. B—ike in particular.— Pret. Com, 

t The celebrated G—e S—lw—n, m—b—r for L—g—rsh 1. 

Pret, Com, 


t 2 




20 


language of the above Member—“ I have bought you, and 
by G—d I will sell you,” says the owner of the Ass. 

In conformity with such a noble and Steward-like resolu¬ 
tion, the whole series of degrading Restrictions were expressly 
swept away at once, by another vote of the conscientious con¬ 
federates; and the Steward left at full liberty, not only to go 
himself where he pleased, but also to carry John Bull and 
his wealth to market, wherever he could make them turn to 
the best account. 


Chap. IV. 

Contents. —The Stewardship of Agricol continued.—The wealth of the 
Bull Family most shamefully profused on Agricol's Terrafirmal inte¬ 
rests and connections.—A series of enormous and incredible instances 
©f this profusion. 

I lie alicmis oves custos bis mulget in hora : 

Et succus pecori , et lac subducitur agnis. 

The way thus cleared—began a scene of profusion, extra¬ 
vagance, and waste, not to be equalled in any Manor of which 
the records are extant; and which has continued increasing 
ever since to the present day. From the accession of the 
late Guillam, and the consequent commencement of Terra¬ 
firmal connections, John Bull had been, by means of his 
Stewards, implicated in almost every lawsuit and quarrel, 
and engaged in the defence of almost every Estate and Manor, 
on Terrafirm. 

But nothing less than a particular detail can give any ade¬ 
quate idea of the barefaced impositions that were now put 
upon John Bull; it will, therefore, however tedious, be ne- 




i 


i 









I 


21 

/ p 

cessary to enter into some such details. Take the following. 
In the late attempt to restore Young Yagob, according to an 
agreement, whereby Nick Frog was engaged to support 
Agricol in his new Stewardship, a band of nicks, bailiffs, and 
lawyers were sent to his assistance; but the business being 
over before their arrival, they were immediately sent back 
again. How much, then, must John Bull be surprised to 
find, among the first articles of his annual expences, a charge 
of ,£24,000 for certain bailiffs, bullies, and lawyers, said to 
be hired from Agricol’s Farm on Terrafirm, in aid, &c. There 
were still some honest men in Mrs. Bull’s Office, where the 
accounts were to be passed, who could not without astonish¬ 
ment and indignation hear of such an unjust and impudent 

demand. It was well known that Nick was, by engagement, 

/ 

obliged to send this assistance, and that John Bull was 
equally engaged to send him a proportionate aid when it 
should be wanted; as he had already on many occasions 
done. And if it was necessary in the mean time that others 
should be found to supply their place, it was no doubt Nick 
Frog’s concern to provide and pay them. But the truth is, 
Nick had, at this time, no occasion for such; having no 
quarrel nor lawsuit in hand, nor in the least danger of having 
any. In short, it was found that really not a man had ever 
been engaged employed, or paid for, on the occasion; nor 

was Nick Frog at all concerned in the matter. It w'as a 

* 

mere impudent pretence to extort money from John Bull, 
and to throw it into the hands of Agricol and his Terrafirmal 
connections. When it was urged that no such people had 
been engaged, or employed; it was with incredible assurance 
replied, that it was agreed by the Steward and his Agents 
that they should be paid for, whether they were engaged and 
employed or not. And when a sight of this agreement was 
demanded, it was voted—that this would be too much conde¬ 
scension in the Steward; and a complaisance to which John 


i 


22 


Bull was not entitled : and however incredible it may seem, 
the whole of this impudent charge was voted by these self- 
constituted delegates, and paid out of John Bull’s pocket; 
into whose pockets it went, may be divined without the pene¬ 
tration of a conjurer. Poor John Bull! i hou hast drove 
thy Hogs to a poor market—or rather, thy Hogs have driven 
thee to a good one.* 

About the same time, in the course of quarrelling and law¬ 
suits between Fadd Denn and Carly Swadd, two petty Squires 
on the outskirts of Terrafirm, a couple of faims, parks, or 
paddocks, called Beaside and Greenglen belonging to Carly, 
lying near to a corner of Agricol’s Terratirmal Farm, had been 
seized upon by Fadd; but being doubtful whether he should 
be able to keep them himself, it was thought an excellent de¬ 
vice to sell, and make conveyance of them to Agricol, to whom 
they w 7 ere an exceeding desirable acquisition. It is true 
Agricol w as of himself less able to keep them than Fadd; 
but by committing the weight and the wealth of John Bull in 
the question, he knew he could set Carly at defiance. Ac¬ 
cordingly a bargain was struck and a conveyance made, and 
Agricol put in possession of the premises This could not 
but excite the highest resentment in Carly Swadd ; and in 
order to be revenged, he entered into a combination with 
Young Yagob to restore him to the possession of the Stew¬ 
ardship and Manor of Great Albion. But this design being 
timely discovered, was happily frustrated before the attempt 
was begun. However, a lawsuit between Carly and Agricol 
was unavoidable; and Agricol was determined to implicate 
John Bull in the quarrel, and to carry it on entirely at his 
expence; though this was in direct contradiction to the most 
important, and indeed the most necessary, article of the Set¬ 
tlement under which Agricol had been admitted to the Stew'-* 
ardship, viz. u That John Bull should, on no account, be im, 

* Bremen and Verden.— Pret. Com. 


/ 





23 


plicated in any quarrel, lawsuit, or expence whatever, that 
regarded Agricol’s Terrafirmal possessions or connections.” 

But in order to avoid a direct avowal of his designs, a 
Message was only sent to Mrs. Bull’s Office, intimating— 
that as i! e Stewar t was above all things desirous, not 
only to frustrate Gariy’s present design of restoring Yagob, 
but to secure John Bull and his Manor from all future ill 
designs, he hoped Mrs. Bull would pledge herself to fulfil all 
engagements, and defray all expences, that he might think fit to 
enter into. This proposal of an unlimited engagement was 
something more than the most presumptuous of John’s native 
Stewards had ever ventured upon ; and raised no little com¬ 
bustion in Mrs. Bull’s Office. The usual mode of applying 
for money was to give in to Mrs. Bull’s Office a List of the 
several Articles, with an estimate of the probable expence. 
If afterwards the expence was found to exceed the estimate, 
k was allowed for at the next audit: if the sum voted ex¬ 
ceeded the ex pence, the overplus was accounted for at the 
next Settlement. 

Such an unprecedented proposal was, with much candor, 
and some justice, imputed to the Steward’s being a stranger 
to the customs of the Manor, and to the influence of Terra¬ 
firmal counsels in his office. And one Shipken, a genuine 
Son of John Bull, observed in Mrs. Bull's Office, that it 
was a great misfortune that the Steward was a stranger to the 
customs of the Manor, and the language of the folk upon it; 
and that the message and the speech with which it was accom¬ 
panied, were rather calculated for the meridian of AgricoFs 
Terrafirmal Farm than that of the Manor of Great Albion. 
For which very just, and appropriate observation, he was by 
his sycophant associates voted a libeller, and sent to prison in 
the keep of the Steward’s Great Castle: and in spite of all 
opposition, and in defiance of all reason, justice, and honesty, 
the message was complied with. 



This point, however, being carried by only four votes, the 
Steward’s cabal found they stood upon very ticklish ground; 
but instead of retreating, they thought to chastise their oppo¬ 
nents into submission by shewing their resentment against 
those who did not with sufficient zeal support the Steward’s 
will in Mrs. Bull’s Office; particularly one Townsend, who 
held the place of Deputy Steward on the Manor of Green- 
erin, and was supposed to have great weight in that office, 
was that very night discharged from his place. But the 
Steward’s partisans in Mrs. Bull’s Office, belter acquainted, 
with the character of the Bull Family than he himself could 
be, satisfied with having carried their point of unlimited credit, 
and sufficiently shown their resentment; fearing to proceed 
too fast, they condescended, next day, by a second vote of 
their own proposing, to limit the present demand to £25 0,000, 
to be at the Steward’s disposal. 

After a good deal of brawling, and sparring, and expence 
at law on both sides, between Agricol and Carly Swadd, the 
latter, who was constantly engaged in quarrels with some of 
his neighbors, happening to have his brains knocked out in 
the midst of his bullies, by a random stone thrown at him, 
the Manor of Swaddland fell to his sister Urtica Elinos; be¬ 
tween whom, and Agricol, a compromise soon took place on 
the following terms :— 1 hat the Lord of Swaddland should, in 
favour of Agricol as Lord of Handover, resign all right and 
claim to the two Farms of Breaside and Greenglen in full 
seniority and fee simple for ever; and that Agricol should 
pay all the debts of the former proprietors; and further pay 
to Mrs. Urtica the sum of 1,000,000 rix dollars for the pur¬ 
chase money of the Farms. . 

All this may seem very well, and what John Bull had no 
concern in; but mark the issue. Though these two Farms 
had little more connection with John Bull’s Manor than with 
that of the man in the moon, it was found, that it would be 




25 


infinitely for John’s advantage that they should belong to 
Agricol rather than Urtica; and therefore John must pay the 
purchase money and all Agricol’s expences in obtaining them 
out of his own pocket; which his frugal and honest Agents 
actually did with the greatest complacency and readiness. 

Thus, by this transaction, John Bull, though secured from 
all implication in, and expem e from Agricol’s \ errafirmal 
engagements or connections, by the very instrument on which 
his possession of the Stewardship rested, paid *££50,000 
under pretence of expences ot a lawsuit undertaken in his 
behalf, which was soon compromised; and 1,000,000 of 
dollars more, to pay the purchase of an addition to Ins Estate: 
and all this before he was well settled in the Stewardship. 
And as a further consequence of this compromise, John Bull 
w 7 as now directly involved in all Terrafirmal engagements and 
connections between Agricol and Urtica: for it was an ex¬ 
press condition of the compromise, that Agricol did pledge 
in full all the resources, both of the Manor of Great Albion, 
and the Handover Estate, for the fulfilling of this compro¬ 
mise, and all engagements that did subsist, or had formerly 
subsisted, between him as Lord of Handover, and the Signio- 
rity of Swaddland. And particularly, if Swadd was engaged in 
any quarrels or lawsuits, Agricol was, at his own expence, 
that is, at John Bull’s, to find him money, lawyers, bailiffs, 
and bullies, to maintain his cause without stint. 

In consequence of the above article, Urtica, or her Husband, 
to whom she had consigned her right, soon got into a quarrel 
with her neighbour Peter Tzar. As the Swaddland Manor is 
in great part bounded by water, Agricol immediately sent for 
her protection all John Bull’s boats, baizes, and watermen, 
known to be the boldest and best in the world. And not 
content with this, he also agreed to pay her, out ot John 
Bull’s pocket, c£ 7£,000 a year to discharge her law expences: 
and all this w as the consequence of the annexation of Breaside 
and Greenglen to Agricol’s Terrafirmal Estate. 



26 , 

But besides this, as Atrricol’s Estate on Terrafirm lav in 
the midst of a number of Manors and Estates mostlv belong- 
ing to a parcel of poor petty Squires, but all as proud and 
insolent as the greatest landlord in the country; hence it was 
exposed to frequent trespasses and encroachments on every 
side. And for its protection and security, in spite of every 
precaution that had been so necessarily taken in the Deed of 
Settlement, Agricol made it a point to pledge all the influence, 
credit, and wealth, of John Bull and the Manor of Great 
Albion, in consequence, John was implicated in all the 
quarrels and disputes of almost every Landlord on Terrafirm ; 
and was become the guardian and guarantee of every Estate 
and Manor in the country; with scarce any of which, from 
his own insulated situation, he had any natural interest or 
connection. In short, under pretence of preventing quarrels 
and lawsuits, Agricol had undertaken so to adjust and ballance 
the various claims and pretensions of all the different Land¬ 
holders in the neighbourhood, that perfect peace and harmony 
should be preserved through the whole of Terrafirm and its 
precincts. r i he only effect of w hich engagement was, not to 
lessen quarrels and lawsuits; but that John Bull was unavoid¬ 
ably engaged in and on one side or other, generally bore the 
greatest part of the expence of every lawsuit on Terrafirm. 
While Agricol himself, without drawing one penny from his 
own Estate, was, from a petty Country Squire become a per¬ 
son of the greatest weight and influence in the whole country 
round. 

It would seem, and I believe it was really the case, that 
not only was every occasion that occurred of lavishing 
John Bull’s money upon Agricol’s connections on Terrafirm 
eagerly seized, but such occasions were, at least by his Terra- 
firmal advisers, industriously sought after. W hich was done 
from this consideration ; that by such profusion, not only 
would those who received these vast sums be careful not to 
encroach upon Agricol's Farm themselves, but they were 


27 


also thereby engaged to prevent the encroachments and tres¬ 
passes of others. Of these voluntary, or rather sought after 
instances of profusion, we shall here set down a few that 
would be thought altogether incredible, were not the most 
authentic vouchers for them still in existence. 

Though, at the time we are speaking of, John Bull was in 
perfect peace with all his neighbors, and had no quarrels nor 
lawsuits on his hand ; yet, beside all the lavishing already 
mentioned of John’s money upon Swadd for the purchase of 
Breaside and Greeng en, and the expence of the lawsuit with 
Tzar ; Agricol, by a secret arrangement had pledged John 
Bull to pay the same Swadd £50,000 a year for three years 
to come. For this consideration Swadd was engaged to keep 
up for Agricol’s use some scores of lawyers, bailiffs, and 
bullies ; and besides the <T50,000 a year, Agricol was to pay 
them at the usual rate of lawyer’s fees whenever he had occa¬ 
sion to employ them. Now what was all this for, but a fur¬ 
ther pretence to gratify Swadd at John Bull’s expence for 
the resignation of Breaside and Greenglen to Agricol, and to 
prevent all wish and endeavours to recover them ; for w ith all 
tliis John Bull had not the remotest interest or connection. 

Take another instance At the same time with the above, 
and for the same purposes, Agricol also entered into another 
agreement, and at John Bull’s expence with the Farm-greeve 
of Hascastle, a kinsman and neighbour to his Handover 
Farm, to keep up for him some hundreds more of lawyers, 
bailiff’s, and bullies. But as this Farm-greeve had not at his 
command so many ready brought up to the business, Agricol 
agreed to pay him T'25 000 before-hand for procuring and 
training them to their trade. Besides which, Hass w as to re¬ 
ceive for them the usual fee and maintenance of men of the 
law whenever they were employed, with a further gratuity to 
himself, called a Retaineraccording to a prescribed custom. 

/ 


* A Subsidy.— Pret. Cvm, 




2B 


As it was supposed these would tend to awe and keep quiet 
and in good order the landlords on Terrafirm in general, 
Agricol endeavoured to persuade Lewis Baboon, whose Manor 
of Frankland was almost surrounded by the farms and manors 
of these landlords, to join with him in the .expence of such 
agreements and retainers. But Lewis knew better ; for had 
he been concerned, the money must have come from what 
would otherwise have gone into his own pocket: Agricol only 
found from it a pretence for drawing more profusely out of 
John Bull’s pocket. Yet of all persons in the world, John 
Bull was the least concerned in the pretended object of those 
arrangements. The good or ill order, the friendship or 
enmity, of these Terrahrmai lawyers and landlords being to 
him of little or no concern at all. For had they all, Lewis 
Baboon excepted, laid their heads together, and combined 
all their art and power to do him a mischief, they could not 
have hurt a hair of his head, set a foot on his Manor, nor 
alarmed the most timid individual of his familv : surrounded 
as they are with waters, and protected by their known invin¬ 
cible wooden walls and the intrepid spirit of their water¬ 
crafts men. 

In fact, all the above nominal agreements were nothing 
more than a colour, or cloke, under which to draw money from 
John Bull, and diffuse it among Agricol’s kindred and con¬ 
nections on Terrafirm, and to secure and enrich his Handover 
Estate, where gold and silver, which were scarce to be seeu 
before, began now to flow in copious streams. For though, 
for the most part, those lawyers, bailiffs and bullies, were 
never provided nor wanted ; yet, was the money sure to be 
levied on John. And if on any occasion the stipulated aid 
happened really to be called for, generally some excuse for 
not sending it was found and accepted. So that such transac¬ 
tions were in general a mere pretence for lavishing the money 
of the Bull Family on Agricol’s Terrafirmal connections. For 


v. 



29 


as in the instance mentioned above, all estimates against 
John Bull were paid, though the articles for which they 
were charged confessedly never existed. 

Immediately upon the back of all this, another almost in¬ 
credible demand was made upon poor Bull.—Besides all ex¬ 
pellees of the Bull Family and Manor, such as have been 
mentioned, the Steward had a lixed allowance for the expences 
of his own family and office, and that a very liberal one, not 
less than ,£700,000 a year. Out of this sum Nan, his pre¬ 
decessor, used to bestow *£200,000 or *£300,000 toward the 
general expences of the Manor. Agricol had been but a 
few years in the office when he had run into an enormous 
debf amounting to more than *£ 600 , 000 , which he charged to 
the expences of the Stewardship. This debt, those about the 
office, as they well might, were at first ashamed to discover. 
However, the thing was pretty well known ; and certain indi¬ 
viduals who were soliciting for themselves at the Steward’s 
Office a partial and unjust privilege, and what the Steward had 
no right to grant—that of exclusive insurance of all vessels and 
goods that were carried by water ; which, from the situation 
of the Manor, were immensely great;—those persons, on con¬ 
dition their privilege was granted, offered to pay towards the 
discharging of the Steward’s debt no less than *£600,000, 
which was accepted of. 

v 

Notwithstanding the above clandestine transaction, and the 
large sum .received, the very next year, when Mrs. Bull’s- 
Office was about to break up its sitting for the season, comes 
the Steward’s Major Domo with a message from the Steward, 
and many compliments and apologies to his faithful and obli¬ 
ging Mrs. Bull, intimating that his family expences had run 
very high, that he found himself in great difficulties, and in¬ 
volved in a debt of not less than o£.550,000, which he hoped 
she would pay for him. That he the rather wished, and 
hoped she would do so ; as he had now determined upon the 


30 


most exact and frugal economy, and to keep strictly within 
his allowance for the future ; which he could the better do, by 
all old scores being cleared off. 

Some of the lionester part of Mrs. Bull’s Office did cry 
shame upon this proposal. But as the greater part of her 
Tloushold were already dispersed, in the confidence that no 
more business of importance would be proposed at the pre¬ 
sent sitting, every thing was at last complied with, and the 
whole debt ordered to be discharged. There can be no 
doubt but this business was introduced thus late in the sitting 
expressly on purpose that there might be few to oppose it, and 
to cry out on such a shameful transaction. And there can be 
as little doubt that the Steward’s partisans in Mrs. Bull’s 
Office had their clue to let them know they would be wanted. 

But if this was the case, and they thought some little ma¬ 
nagement necessary on the present occasion, they soon after 
shewed that they had got over all scruple and delicacy in 
these matters. For scarce had thiee years expired when 
another application was made by the Steward to his “ good 
and faithful Mrs. Bull” to pay a new debt of £500,000 already 
contracted upon the same score. It was pleaded in excuse 
that it was very inconvenient to make any of the promised 
retrenchments in expence; and it was found much less trou¬ 
blesome to apply to his faithful and obliging Mrs. Bull, than 
to use any better economy in his own office and houshold. 

Indeed, some of the Steward’s own people, sensible of the 

shamefulness of these transactions, and of the clandestine 

manner in which the money was spent, proposed that some 

inquiry should first be made into the way in which those debts 

were contracted, before their payment was ordered; and that 

some account should be given of the money spent in vails and 

secret services among Mrs. Bull’s domestics, and especially 

in that insatiable gulf, that commerce of prostitution, now so 

notoriously carried on between the Steward’s Office and Mrs. 
v \ 


31 


Bull’s Houshold; which was indeed the cause both of these 
debts being contracted, and of their being so readily allowed 
and paid by the votes of that prostitute houshold. But 
all such inquiry was strenuously opposed by Bob Wal- 
stafi, the Steward’s Major Domo, and Pimp General; 
through whose hands all monies passed, and who well knew 
that these things could bear no inquiry or inspection. Nay, 
he was obliged to confess, that even this was but part of the 
debts in which the Steward’s Houshold affairs were involved, 
and that still further sums would be called for. But this 
man, like Judas, had the bag, and bare what was given in ; 
and what stood him in still more stead, paid what was given 
out; consequently, all opposition vanished before him. And 
not only was the <£ 500,000 asked for, paid, but any sum not 
exceeding £ 100,000 at a time, was ordered to be at call, as 
a provision against contingencies. 

This may seem madness or witchcraft; and certainly is 
what the writer durst not venture his credit to record, were 
not the most authentic vouchers of the fact still in existence. 
Yet all this falls far short of what we shall have further to 
record on the same subject. 

But the above was not the only debt for which John Bull 
found himself answerable, through the profusion and extrava¬ 
gance of his foreign Stewards and their Agents. Ever since 
the commencement of his Terrafirmal connections by the 
Stewardship of Billy Orasis, his own estates had been incum¬ 
bered with a constantly increasing debt, for which he paid a 
high interest. And though every successive Steward con¬ 
stantly recommended the making provision for the paying off 
of this debt, and such provision had frequently been made, 
yet the whole was swallowed up in the all-devouring gulf of the 
Steward’s Office. And the debt, instead of being paid off, 
has gone on advancing by a constantly increasing ratio to this 
day, that John Bull is on the very brink of bankruptcy; or 
rather over head and ears in the stream. And while half of 


32 


John’s family are reduced to beggary or dependence on the 
parish, every connection of the Steward’s Office is wallowing 
in wealth, luxury and licentiousness, beyond the possible waste 
of all natural use and enjoyment; and every individual 
who has been but a few years in his service, retires loaded 
with riches, and purchases, or is complimented, with rank 
among the Titulates. 


Chap. V. 

Contents. —The Stewardship of Agricol continued.—The incredible 
delusion of the South Sea Draining Scheme.—Its enormous villany 
—and ruinous consequences.—The Steward’s Agents infamously con¬ 
cerned in it. 

Among the various devices for the payment of this debt 
about this time set on foot by the Agents of the Steward, 
one deserves particular notice for the enormous extravagance, 
both of its folly and villany. This was called the Great 
South Sea Draining Scheme. 

The mystery and villany of this scheme has never yet been 
fully discovered ; but, however extravagant and incredible 
the following may seem, I believe it is nearly as rational an 
account as any other that can be given of it. 

John Bull has long, not without some reason, claimed to be 
Lord of the Ocean ; and the scheme seems to have been this. 
The great South or Pacific Ocean was to be drained and dis¬ 
posed of in lots of 100 acres each to any person who chose 
to become purchasers or subscribers to the scheme. 







33 


This hopeful project was, by the Steward’s Agents with 
the consent of Mrs. Bull’s Office, upon certain conditions 
disposed of, and consigned over to a particular company of 
adventurers, called the South Sea Draining Company. One 
part of those conditions was, that the company should take 
up the whole of John Bull’s debt upon such terms as the 
creditors and they could settle between themselves. 

In the mean time, this South Sea project was puffed far 
beyond the utmost extravagance of our Lottery-office Keepers, 
or the impudence of our daily Quack Doctors.— £ 20,000 or 
*£30,000, in the twinkling of an eye, was but a trifle to the 
advantages promised to those that would embark their money 
in it; or to the sums actually gained in a few days by some 
of the designing conductors of it, chiefly Agents of the 
Steward’s Office. It was no doubt considered, that besides 
the number of acres of rich land which had not been broke 
up for hundreds of years, which every subscriber would be 
entitled to, there were the spoils of the Ocean deposited by 
wrecks for ages. And as of all substances gold, silver, and 
precious stones are the most indestructible, considering the 
traffic in gold, silver, and jewels, carried on across that Ocean, 

a fortunate adventurer might And a ship-load of gold in less 

/ 

than half an acre of land. 

By what means they projected to drain this Ocean, is a 
point, I think, not perfectly agreed upon.—Whether like the 
dogs in the fable they proposed to drink it dry—or, whether, 
—as it is a point settled by Geologists that the Pacific is 
higher than the Atlantic Ocean,—they intended to cut through 
the Isthmus of jJarien, and let the whole run off into the 
Atlantic. The danger of laying Europe under water would 
be cf no weight with them ; as they might reckon upon mak¬ 
ing their escape by sea to Columbia, as some of them in the 
event actually did to Terrafirm ; or, by what other means it 
might be proposed we will not pretend to say. As machinery 


VOL. II. 


D 


s 


34 

had not then arrived at that wonderful perfection it has since 
attained, I do not know that the steam engine was ever 
thought of. 

But as the villany of this project was its principal feature, 
and exceeded even its folly, that is the main subject to be 
here unfolded. The first object of these projects was to se¬ 
cure an agreement with the Steward’s Agents, and to get the 
consent of Mrs. Bull for taking up John Bull’s debts : and 
as the leading projectors were those Agents themselves, this 
was no difficult matter. But in order to conduct it with 
safety, and elicit confidence, it was agreed—that large nomi¬ 
nal sums from £10,000 to £50,000 should appear in the 
books of the Company, in the names of several persons of 
ruling influence in the Steward’s Office, and in Mrs. Bull’s 
Houshold;—or in fictitious names for them—upon this con¬ 
dition, that if the Funded Stock of the Company rose, as was 
confidently expected, those honourable persons were to reap 
the benefit of it—if it did not rise, why the subscriptions went 
for nothing—no money was laid down. In this manner even 
the influence of their Mistresses and Female Favorites were 
elicited, and their interests provided for. The Steward’s 
Favorite M—str—ss # had a subscription of 10,000, 
another of the same description the same sum, and two of 
her Nieces, hopeful spinsters no doubt, an equal sum between 
them, and several of the Stewards’s Clerks and Agents in their 
real, or fictitious names, £50,000 each. 

This, it must be observed, was a secure transaction both on 
the part of the Projectors and the first Subscribers. If the 
subscriptions rose, as there was no room to doubt, from the 
general eagerness already shown to be concerned in the 
scheme—the original Subscribers would, by selling out their 
nominal shares, receive the advance, and derive a propor- 


* The D— eh— ss of K— nd—1 and the C— nt— ss of Pi— t—n.— PretXom. 


i 


/ 



35 


tionate advantage: if the scheme failed there could be no 
loss, for nothing was deposited, or in that case to be paid. 

The bargain being settled, and sanctioned by Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, and the project puffed and blazoned, as lias been said, 
the Bull Family were seized with an eagerness, scarce short of 
frenzy, to be partakers in a scheme by which it was supposed 
mountains of gold might be obtained. The lots of 100 acres 
each, as we have said, originally subscribed at £ 100, in less than 
three monthsrose toTlOOO—to £ 1200—toupw’ardsof <£1500 
per lot. The Projectors and the Steward’s Agents, the ori¬ 
ginal Subscribers now sold out their nominal stock at immense 
advantage; and many individuals, without ever venturing a 
shilling, cleared hundreds of thousands of pounds. But still 
insatiable, the delusion was still urged on. 

Sometimes in the course of its progress the bubble would 
hover and threaten to fall. On these occasions the most frau¬ 
dulent and villanous devices and practices were had recourse 
to, for blowing it up again. At one of these hovering periods, 
at £700 per lot, a dividend of £30 per lot, which was the 
same as £30 per cent, on the original subscription, was de¬ 
clared for the expiring half year, and £ j 0 per lot per annum 
for twelve years to come : this set the bubble a going again for 
a little while. But so universal had been the infatuation, that 
all the ready money of the Family had been poured into this 
gulf • and it was found that the game must ol necessity be up, 
for downright want of cash on the Manor. The device of 
the Projectors was now, to sell out all their own shares, and 
lend the money from their immense gains to those who were 
still disposed to purchase. This helped to keep up the delu¬ 
sion a little while longer. 

But in spite of every art and effort to keep hie bubble afloat, 
it burst and fell at last, and left thousands in ruin; and, 
on the recovery of their senses, the whole Bull Family in as¬ 
tonishment and despair. The price of those imaginary lots had 



36 


risen from ,£lOO to considerably above £\ 000 , and had fallen 
to nearly its original value before it was finally abandoned: 
and all in the space of little more than six months. 

In this scene of sudden distress and ruin the sole resource 
of the Family seemed to be in the Palaverium. And they 
immediately set themselves very seriously to inquire into this 
strange affair; and to endeavour to find and apply a remedy. 
In the course of this inquiry a most shameful and atrocious 
scene soon unfolded itself. And what was most astonishing 
and most infamous, was, that among the chief promoters, 
and principal gainers by it, were found the leading men in 
the Steward’s Office, and his most accredited Agents ; some of 
whom had on the book’s ballances in their favour to the 
amount of c£800,000. But upon this inquiry being set on 
foot some of the books were by collusion burnt; as the 
clerks concerned afterward confessed upon oath. 

The Treasurer of the Company, with others chiefly con¬ 
cerned fled to Terrafirm ; and no doubt, carried immense 
treasures with them. The persons and estates of others 
were secured in behalf of their deluded dupes ; and inventories 
of their property were taken, as far as it could be discovered; 
and what was found, was subjected to the indemnification of 
the sufferers. A certain proportion, it is true, was left for 
their own sustenance; and though but a small proportion of 
the hundreds of thousands which many of them had amassed, 
yet it far exceeded what they had left to many an honest family 
which they had reduced to ruin. The rest of their property 
was converted into a general fund in behalf of the sufferers; 
which continues unto this day under the original name. 

Though Agricol, it is believed, was not conscious of all the 
fraud and villany of this scheme, yet it is asserted, and also be¬ 
lieved, that he had a considerable concern in the profits of it. 

Here we will close the Stewardship of the first Agricol— 
pnly observing, that about this time it was proposed, and put 


37 


to the vote, in the Upper Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Office—* 
that the Handover Settlement, by which Agricol held the 
Stewardship, was broken and dissolved, in consequence of his 
profusion on his Terratirmal connections, especially his bound¬ 
less lavislnnent of the wealth and strength of the Bull Family 
on Squire Swadd, for the purchase and preservation of Brea- 
side and Greenglen. This vote was negatived; but a great 
number of the members expressly entered a protest in writing 
against the decision. 

This Agricol but for his foreign education and habits, was 
rather a well disposed man ; and had he not been a stranger 
to the language, manners, customs, and institutions of the 
Manor,—had he not, through partiality and attachment to his 
native possessions and connections, implicated John Bull in 
all the lawsuits, quarrels, and disputes of every estate on 
Terrafirtn, might have been reckoned an honest man, and an 
upright Steward. And with respect to his own personal 
character and concerns, was certainly one of the most happy 
and fortunate of the Albion Stewards. His faults and errors 
were chielly owing to the entire contempt of principle and 
honour in those into whose hands he fell • who, instead of 
informing him, watching, and counteracting his natural pre¬ 
judices and partialities, encouraged and complied with them 
to the utmost; and took care to convert them all to the ends 
of their own interest and ambition. 


* 



Chap. VI. 





' 


Contents. —The Stewardship of tlie Second Agricol.—The great depra¬ 
vity of the Steward’s Office.—The Commerce of Prostitution carried 
on with unblushing impudence.—Bob Walstaff, Major Domo and 
Pimp in Ordinary—admirably qualified for his station.—The most 
shameful Frauds and Covin practised by the Agents of the Steward’s 
Office.—The debasing ambition of the first Families on the Manor to 
obtain the mercenary appointments of Lackies, Pages, and Grooms, 
about the Steward’s Houshold and Stables. 


1 HE first Agricol was succeeded by his Son of the same 
name, and subject also to most of the same prejudices and 
partialities with his father; for he also was born, educated, 
had a family, and was well advanced in life, before he left 
his Terrafirmal possessions and connections. 

Scarce any thing could exceed the unprincipled depravity 
and profligacy of the Clerks and Agents about the Steward’s 
Office at this time. And this Agricol was content to take 
the stye in the filthy condition in which his father had left it. 
It is true, that infamous Commerce of Prostitution between 
the Steward’s Office and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, which is now 
become the main operating principle of the Stewardship, and 
the sole organ by which the Steward has obtained, and now 
exercises, the absolute and entire disposal of John Bull, his 
Manor, and his Family, was not then arrived at that steady, 
settled, systematic course which it has since attained. But 
if it was then carried on with less regularity and uniformity 
than it now is; it was perhaps pursued with more boldness 
and undissembled impudence, than even at this day. 

In carrying on this delicate Commerce, one Bob Walstaff 
was the principal broker or go-between. This person was by- 
nature and habit admirably qualified for his office. He did 
not want understanding, or capacity, but all hi 3 faculties were 


i 



39 


debased by the principles and practice of his profession. And 
having no prototype ol any thing pure, honourable, or exalted 
in himself, he recognised no such principle in human nature. 
His office of Pimp-General leading him to converse only 
with the most w orthless, sordid, and mercenary of the species, 
he acknowledged no motive in human character superior to 
interest. His avowed maxim in the exercise of his profession 
was, “ that every one had their price” if he chose to come 
up to it: and that if Mrs. Bull’s gentlewoman valued her 
favours higher than her ordinary w aiting-maids, or the sweepers 
out of the office chamber, it was only coming up to her price, 
and he could reckon upon the one as sure as the other. 

As to Mrs. Bull herself, he affected to speak of her with 
some degree of respect; yet it was plain he reckoned so much 
on her boundless complaisance to the Steward, and the meri- 
tricious influence of those about her, that he made account 
that she could deny nothing the Steward could ask of her. 
This persuasion of Universal venality furnished him with the 
most consummate assurance, and the most unblushing im¬ 
pudence ; he had indeed a “ whore’s forehead,” perfectly 
adapted to those with whom his business lay. And though 
polished speech, and elegant oratory scorned his lips; yet 
in that kind of eloquence which became his station and cha¬ 
racter, he was admirably gifted. Seasoned from tire Steward’s 
strong box, of which he kept the key, 1 persuasion,’ sweeter 
than honey flowed from his tongue; and to those to whom it 
was addressed, proved more resistless than a thunderbolt. 

Yet w ith all this brass and unblushing impudence he could 
not, on some occasions, without shrinking, stand the pelting, 
lashing, and daubing with dirt, with which he was often 
attacked by Mrs. Bull’s people; sometimes in mere wanton¬ 
ness, sometimes in resentment and strong indignation, by the 
still untainted part of Mrs. Bull’s Office, which he had ren¬ 
dered useless and contemptible. On these occasions he 


40 


would cringe himself up like a hedge hog under its prickles, 
or a tarrapin under its shell, and bear what he knew to be the 
just and natural lot of his Office as Pimp-General. And when 
the pelting was over he w ould venture out his head again with 
perfect insensibility and sangfroid. 

This person, who, on account of his useful qualifications, 
had been in some trust under the old Steward, under the 
new soon became fac-totum. We have already observed, 
that all monies for the expences of the Stewardship came 
through Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office : hence, it was of the 
utmost importance for the Steward to keep up a good under¬ 
standing there ; and by means of this infamous Commerce of 
Prostitution under so able a Pandar, his influence was at this 
time become absolute and uncontrolable. 

How far the Steward and Mrs. Bull herself were con¬ 
cerned in this notorious commerce, it may not be prudent to 
enquire. Certain it is, they both connived at the misconduct 
and profligacy of their domestics. And with respect to the 
Steward in particular, it soon appeared that Bob the Pimp 
was become his chief confident, and most accredited aoent. 
Indeed, this intercourse of prostitution being now' the primuni 
7uobile, the first spring of all the motions of both offices, 
its management was doubtless a matter of the very first con¬ 
cern. _ Bob was of course entrusted with the key of the 
strong box; for out of that came the oil that made this 
spring and all the motions dependent upon it go easily. Or, 
to drop metaphor—as interest or gain is the first object with 
every prostitute, so those of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold were 
true to their trade ; and nothing but boundless profusion 
could keep them constant, and no bond but interest could 
have any tie upon them. 

But, as the money, once passed through Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, was wholly at the Steward’s disposal, it was a maxim 
well known in that office, that the more we give out of John 


41 


Bull’s pocket the more we get into our own. And this maxim 
now regulates the whole economy of John Bull’s Estate and 
Family. And the history of the Stewardship from hence to 
the present time, consists of little beside this shameless com¬ 
merce, and its wretched effects on the Bull Family and for¬ 
tune. Betore this abandoned prostitution was fully establish¬ 
ed, Mrs. Bull used to keep a pretty strict eye over the Stew- 
aids accounts. But now the Major Homo, who is always 
also chief pimp, and generally has a seat in Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, only intimates that such sum, or sums, are wanted, and 
they are forthwith ordered. It is true the several articles 
are generally specified, but they are never particularly ex¬ 
amined to know whether there be any proportion between 
them and the sums required for them ; nor are they even 
expected to have any pretensions to truth and honesty. 

Take one glaring instance out of a thousand. Skipper 
Wainwright, a genuine son of John Bull, and well known 
to this day for his faithful, zealous, and incorruptible attach¬ 
ment to the true interest of his family, had the charge of 
one of those small vessels of which John Bull keeps num¬ 
bers for the protection of his extensive trade, and to prevent 
trespasses on his water-girt Manor of Albion. One day 
Skipper Wainwright being on shore, there fell into his hands a 
printed list of the occasional expences and repairs for every 
vessel belonging to John Bull, for the year last past. It 
naturally occurred to him to look for the expences of repairs 
for that particular vessel which he had charge of; though, as 
he knew it could not exceed £30 or £35, he thought it might 
perhaps not be at all specified. But he soon found the name 
and charge of his vessel; and that of no little importance ; for 
instead of £30 or £33, which he knew to be the utmost that 
had been expended upon the vessel in the time specified, he 
found charged at no less than £1200.* Crimine (ib uno 

* A strict and literal fact! 


42 


disce omnes. This faithful son of John Bull could not per¬ 
mit such a gross and palpable imposition to pass undetected. 
He wrote immediately to one of the Members of a Com¬ 
mission appointed expressly for the inspecting and ordering 
of all John Bull’s watercraft affairs ; and who was also a mem¬ 
ber of the Lower Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Office; whose 
particular province of course it was, in both capacities, to 
watch over all the Family expences, and especially to inspect 
and scrutinize all public watercraft accounts. To this per¬ 
son he stated distinctly the enormous fraud of £]200, 
charged for an article which he ascertained to be under £ 40. 
But no notice was taken of the matter ; nor did it seem to be 
thought any thing out of the common way. Indeed it would 
appear from discussions that have taken place on other occa¬ 
sions, even in Mrs. Bull’s Office, upon the same subject, 
that it is nothing out of the common way. And that all such 
pretended giving in of accounts is a mere form, or farce, to 
blind the eyes of the Bull Family, and make them submit 
more quietly to be pillaged. 

By such fraud and covin as the above, is John Bull yearly 
cozened to the amount of millions. But the expence of this 
Commerce of Prostitution itself is especially supplied, and 
allowed for, by one particular article, under the name of 
Secret Service Money ; but which might be much more pro¬ 
perly and plainly specified by the unequivocal term, Wh — re 
Hire. Some, indeed, will have this Secret Service Money 
to be something of the nature of vails—and it is probably 
the two terms may be of nearly the same import; both im¬ 
plying something that must pass under covert—something 
not to be seen, or particularly talked of; and both indicating 
a mean and servile character, in the receiver at least. It is 
also well known that in some services, as in our celebrated 
hotels and bagnios, vails are so much reckoned upon, that 
the places are eagerly sought after without any stipulation. 


I 


43 

or expectation of wages; nay, money is often paid to procure 
them. And it is equally well known tiiat this is no where so 
much the case, as for a place in Mrs. Bull’s Houshold;—the 
servants in which formerly received stipulated wages ; but 
now, such is the confidence in these vails—so great the de- 
pendance on these wages of prostitution, that such places are 
not only eagerly sought after, but even purchased at a great 
price. 

As this Commerce of Prostitution between the Steward’s 
Office and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, was soon found to be the 
most successful mode of commanding John Bull's fortune, 
it is now become almost the sole means by which the whole 
business of the Stewardship is carried on. And hence, as 
we have said, the Pimp is now considered as the Steward’s 
chief Agent; or rather the principal qualification required in 
the Steward’s first officer, or Major Domo, is that he be a 
successful procurer, and tit to stand Pimp in Ordinary; and 
all places, offices, and money itself, are consigned to his dis¬ 
posal. But in order to disguise, and in some degree qualify, 
this infamous traffic, numberless offices, places, and appoint¬ 
ments are invented; many of them merely nominal; and 
most of them not for any business, or service, to be done in 
them ; but entirely as a pretence for giving money—for pur¬ 
chasing perfidy to John Bull, out of w hose pocket it comes; 
for debauching the Bull Family, and debasing the Bull cha- 
'racter, by sordid hire and servile dependence on the Steward’s 
Office. For all those gratuitously invented places and ap¬ 
pointments are wholly bestowed as the wages of prostitution, 
either on Mrs. Bull’s domestics, or on those who have the 
privilege of procuring for them their situations in that Hous¬ 
hold. Formerly, such places were given to persons of dis¬ 
tinguished genius or capacity—to inventors or improvers of 
arts and sciences—or such as had done essential services to 
the Bull Family. But now not in a single instance are such 




44 


bestowed, but with a view to this Commerce of Prostitution^ 
Nay, one possessed of any such place, can take no so sure 
and certain way to be turned out of it, as to shew in any in¬ 
stance that he dares to stand by John Bull, or prefers the in¬ 
terest of his Family to that of the Steward’s Office. Of 
this a number of instances might be given. 

And not only do the attendants in the Lower Chamber 
of Mrs. Bull’s Office, and those who procure them thus sell 
themselves to prostitution; but the Upper Chamber, who 
hold their places there by inheritance, and rank with the 
Titulates, are scarce less prostitutes or less mercenary in 
their prostitution than the common attendants in the Lower 
Chamber. In this Chamber the Steward has the privilege 
of conferring a place and title. And among those on whom 
they are thus conferred, I believe, there will scarce be found 
an instance of its having been done without some view to 
this intercourse of prostitution and adultery between the 
two housholds, one case only excepted—that is, of persons 
who have distinguished themselves by some brave action or 
successful enterprise in behalf of the Family and folk on the 
Manor, in any of those quarrels and lawsuits in which they 
are so oft engaged. Such are always great favorites with the 
Bull Family ; and in compliance with that sentiment, title and 
a place in the Upper Chamber of the Palaverium, are some¬ 
times conferred upon them with deserved and universal ap^ 
probation. 

Upon this subject we cannot pass over one thing which 
seems truly astonishing; and yet is almost universal. That 
these Titulates, held to be the most honourable stock of the 
Bull F amily and Albion Manor, not only accept of, but are 
eager to obtain, the most servile and sordid places in the 
Steward’s Houshold. Places, degrading in their name and 
nature; and, never bestowed but with a view to prostitution* 
Thus, the daughters of distinguished families are fain to 


45 


obtain the place of chambermaids and waiting-women to the 
Steward’s Wife; and the sons of the most honourable branches 
of John Bull’s Family are proud to be admitted as Lackies, 
Footmen and Pages to Madam Stewardess and her daugh¬ 
ters; and may be seen in public, bearing their train, and 
adjusting the ridiculous superfluity of Miss’ Gown or of 
Madam’s Robe, lest it should entangle them and trip up their 
heels. And from these ennobling employments they are often 
taken to administer the laws, to direct the policy,.and to preside 
and command in the highest and most important departments 
of that regality, which we have said the Manor of Great Albion 
possesses and exercises within itself. And, especially, from this 
discipline so promising of exalted and honourable character, are 
generally taken the persons made choice of to negociate and 
conduct all business and transactions with the Stewards and 
Lords of Manors in the neighbourhood, on Terraflrm and 
elsewhere, in which the Family is now so much involved. 

Would not the ingenuous son of a country gentleman, 
who lives free and independent on his estate, or even the son 
of a hardy swain, trained in the labours of his father’s farm, 
but liberally educated, as is now often the case, and his mind 
stored with the treasures of history and philosophy, for 
which he has an uncorrupted relish ; and elevated and enlarged 
with the spacious ennobling views of nature around him— 
would not such a one justly look down with contempt on this 
unmanlike and debasing attendance, and on those who are 
bred to it ? And would not such be likely to supply Agents 
more generous, active, bold and free, for every scene of human 
action, than the servile, sycophant elevts of a Steward’s 
Office, or the foppish effeminate Apes of a Stewardess’ 
Houshold. And, to this do not facts bear ample testimony 
by numerous instances from the hardy and well-trained sons 
of the Albion, Caledonian, Greenerin and Cambrian Manors, 





in every distinguished station, when they happen to attain 
such stations. 

But not only do the emulous sons and daughters of the best 
stock of the Bull Family eagerly aspire to these degrading 
offices, but even the serious and elders of the land, are proud 
to have their names in the list of the Steward or Stewardess’ 
train, and to receive the wages of such stations. "1 hus, one 
whose counsels have weight in the greatest affairs of the 
Family and Manor; one, who leads on John Bull's brave 
sons to the boldest enterprises, shall hold the place ol Cham¬ 
berlain to the Steward, another of Page to the Stewardess, 
another of Butler, another of Groom. Of Grooms, indeed, 
there is a great variety. One shall be his Groom of the 
Stable, another his Groom of the Stole, another his Groom 
of the privy chamber, &c. And each of these has innumer¬ 
able places for Lackies and inferior attendants under him : for 
though they are mean enough to bear the name, and take the 
wages of such places, they are too proud, or perhaps, too in¬ 
capable to do the business of them. Indeed, the object of 
all these, high and low, is merely to multiply nominal places 
and appointments for the sake of bestowing hire, of diffusing 
xneritricious influence, and increasing the Agents and Objects 
of prostitution ; of course they have all enormous and un¬ 
conscionable wages. For instance, the Chamberlain’s place 
alone, with all his under-strappers, room-sweepers, bed-ma¬ 
kers, 8cc, is said to amount to about «£l00,0(X) annually. Yet, 
all this might be performed much better by a few active footmen, 
and neat chambermaids, at less than a hundredth part of the ex- 
pence. And all this preposterous profusion is practised at poor 
John Bull’s cost, even when he is on the brink of bankruptcy, 
and half his family starving for want. For, though the Steward, 
personally, is said to be immensely rich, and has large posses¬ 
sions of his own both in Albion and on Terrafirm, not a far- 


47 


thing even of his Family expences must come from these ; nay, 
it is customary to make a fresh demand upon John Bull for an 
additional allowance for every additional child born in the 
Steward’s Family. # 

* It is asserted by Dodington in his Diary, and referred to a& a known 
fact by Lord Chatham, before the close of George the Second’s Reign— 
That the King had amassed above <,£15,000,000 sterling. If that has 
been accumulating ever since to what an immense sum must it now 
amount! And whether it has or not; it is certain, that no part of it, 
or of its accumulating produce, has ever been bestowed in behalf of the 
British public. Indeed the King of England is now said to be, person¬ 
ally, the richest individual in Europe. Nor need it be doubted, if only 
the immense sums that have been granted to pay the debts of the Civil 
List, and in Hanoverian Subsidies since the accession of the Brunswick 
Family, be considered, and that the whole f mily expences are supplied 
by allowances from the public. Only think, at this time, of an allow¬ 
ance of £70,000 a year being made to the Queen for additional expences 
of the Royal Family : when the King’s situation renders all extraor¬ 
dinary exhibition and expence not only incongruous, but impossible: 
besides ,£9000 a year to each of the Princesses, living in a domestic way 
with their mother; in addition to £4000 a year each, before settled on 
them. Where does all this, and all such money go! From the domestic 
economy of the Queen and other ample establishmen s, it is certain not 
a mite of it goes to the ordinary expences of the Family. Where then? 
No doubt to augment this enormous mass of private property ; which, as 
the Family brought no property into this country with them, must be 
wholly drawn from the pockets of the people of this country; and, there¬ 
fore, ought above all others to contribute to the support of the country, 
and to relieve the distress of the people. Yet have our careful and 
conscientious Governors made a law—that this property, clandestinely 
drained from the public, shall be the only property in the country that 
shall pay no tax to the support, of the public. What gross perversion of 
common sense and common justice ! H 


* 


♦ 


✓ «*. 


48 


Chap. V. 


Contents. —The Stewardship of the Second Agricol continued.— Details 
of Rapacity, Profusion, Prostitution, and consequent infamy and 
disease.—A series of instances—some absurd, many extravagant,— 
and many altogether incredible, but for the notoriety of the facts. 



have already confessed that these Memoirs will from 


henceforth consist of little beside the history 7 of Rapacity, 


Profusion, and Prostitution, and the foul disease with which 


that has infected the Family; and however tiresome and nau¬ 


seous the task, we must still pursue the subject. 

The Commerce of Prostitution between the Steward’s 
Office and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold being now 7 settled, and 
nearly reduced to a system; and Bob the Pimp being con¬ 


tinued in his place,—this second Agricol had nothing to do, 


but to enter upon, and enjoy the fruits of it: which he did 


with as little scruple as any other part of the inheritance his 


father had left him. Perhaps he w as not even fully sensible 
of the polluted source from whence his abundance flowed. If 
any effort was required of him, it was only, not to blush at 
the impudence and infamy of his Agents. In this respect, 
indeed, the Bruntwick Family seem to have been happily 
constituted by nature, being of a plain homely unsophisticated 
character—nowise deficient in understanding and good sense, 
and rather inclined to honesty and sincerity 5 but not troubled 
with an unnecessarily delicate sensibility, or superfluous pre¬ 
tensions to sentiment or flne feeling. This happy temperature 

some ascribe to the character of the Family, some to that of 

•> * 

the country, or their native clime; perhaps it may be a joint 
effect of both these causes. 

Of this convenient inexcitability, with your leave Bruno - 
nians , supported by the equally unimpressible assurance of 


49 


Walstaff and his associates, John Bull soon had an almost 
incredible specimen. Nearly the last transaction of the late 
Stewardship had been the Palaverium’s consenting to pay a 
debt of «s£ 500,000 contracted by the Steward, beyond his 
fixed allowance, and with unparalleled liberality adding 
££ 500,000 more, or any sum not exceeding <s£ 1,000,000 as a 
present, to prevent future contingencies of the like sort; yet 
the very first transaction of the present Stewardship was, to 
make a new demand upon the same head. And it appeared 
that the article of the Steward’s Houshold expences had 
already, in scarce three years from the last profuse grant, run 
<£600,000 in debt: and at the very first meeting of Mrs. 
Bull’s/Office, application was, with unblushing assurance, 
made for John Bull to pay this debt. 

Besides the above demand, the new Steward in his first 
address to the Palaverium, modestly intimated his wish for a 
larger annual allowance; hinted the high price of beef and 
mutton, and all articles of houskeeping; graciously promised 
to be more frugal and economical, when he should find it 
convenient. But Bob, the Pimp and Major Domo, did 
not think this mincing of the matter, or as Brother Sandy 
would say, this mim-mouthed modesty of the Steward, at all 
necessary ; but conscious of his own uncontrollable authority 
in Mrs. Bull’s Office, he boldly demanded at once an addition 
of <£100,000 a year to the Steward’s allowance. The honest 
and undebauched part of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold exclaimed 
against such an impudent proposal; especially that honest 
and true son of John Bull,,Mr. Shipken, exposed the shameful 
extravagance, and palpable dishonesty of the Steward’s Houshold 
economy,with all the clearness of reason, and all the force of facts* 
He she wed that N an, the predecessor of the present Family, sup¬ 
ported her Office and Houshold with greater dignity upon little 
more than half the present allowance, considering what she 
voluntarily contributed to the general expence of the Bull 

VOL. n. B 






50 


Family: that, over and above the allowance of c£700,000 a 
year, innumerable perquisites, fees, fines, and occasional sums 
to a great amount, found their way, unaccounted for, into the 
Steward’s hands, and were all sunk in that bottomless gulf 
of pretended secret services, that is, services too shameful and 
infamous t© be named; at the same time, proh pudor! too 
well known to need to be named. 

As instances of extravagant, and fraudulent economy, the 
following may be mentioned. In defiance of the legitimate 
Palaverian mode, £' 250,000 had at one time been assessed on 
the Manor under pretence of protecting it from some appre¬ 
hended trespass from Gusty Svvadd. Then all at once, Swadd,by 
some secret manoeuvre, was become John Bull’s best friend : 
for so valuable a friendship, John must further pay c£ 72,000 
a year. Thus for friend or foe, John must be pillaged. 

For the exclusive privilege of pledging the safety of goods 
by water-carriage, in which the Family was greatly concerned, 
two Companies had paid to the Steward’s Office c£300,000. 
Some vessels belonging to John Bull’s Family had arrived 
from a place supposed to be infected with pestilence, and 
for the safety of the Manor were ordered to be burnt, and 
the sum of <£24,000 granted by the Palaverium to compen¬ 
sate the loss of the owners. Notwithstanding which the 
goods were, by the management of the Steward’s Agents, sold 
at their full price and the money pocketted without restitution. 
Thus, not only was John Bull defrauded of his money, but 
the health and lives of every inhabitant on the Manor endan¬ 
gered, by the fraud and avarice of the Steward’s Office. And 
thus by rapacious arts, and fraudulent pretences, is John 
Bull daily cozened and robbed, and all swept unaccounted 
for into the Steward’s coffers, or those of his Agents; aud 
yet at the end of every two or three years is the Family called 
upon to pay the Steward’s debts. 

Thus it was but a few years ago, that, as above stated, any 


t 


51 

sum not exceeding .£1,000,000 had been asked, and granted 
to pay the debts of the Steward’s Houshold. And the late 
Steward had then declared his firm determination to retrench, 
and for the future to confine his expences within his allow- 
ance; yet, at the end of little more than two years, a new de¬ 
mand of the same sum, and for the same purpose, was made, 
and granted ! No longer ago than last sitting of Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, .£125,000 had been granted for some particular pre¬ 
tended secret service : and now, with assurance still more 
astonishing than the extravagance, again comes Bob the Pimp 
with a new demand of c£600,000 to pay the debts of the 
Steward’s Houshold. Bob’s assurance put even his own 
associates to the blush, and some of them seemed ready to 
confess that it was necessary to set some bounds to this 
boundless profusion; and that some account ought to be 
given how such vast debts were constantly contracted, and 
such immense sums expended. Mr. Shipken observed, that 
the refusal to give account of the source of those debts, and 
the expenditure of those sums, was a sure proof that they had 
been expended on objects too wicked and infamous even to 
be named : but he hoped the time would come that would 
bring to light both the givers and receivers of these shameful 
wages of iniquity; and brand with deserved infamy the base 
mercenary Agents of this detestable Commerce of Prostitution 
and vice. And he concluded by proposing, that those about 
the Steward should be admonished to coniine the Steward’s 
Houshold expences within the sum so liberally allowed for 
them. What answer did Bob and his Colleagues make to 
all this ? Why, truly none at all.—That was a mark of decency 
that was now thought unnecessary. The facts could neither 
be denied, nor palliated ; and the less was said about them the 
better. Bob knew he had a readier and surer way to his 
purpose than answering :—the vote, the vote of Mrs. Bull’s 
Office ; his friends there required no reason, nor answer; they 

E 2 


were not so superfluous, as to pretend to reason, virtue, or 
honour. It was sufficient, that Bob bore the bag. If they 
stinted him, how was he to pay them without stint ? If the 
Pandar cannot pay, how is he to procure the Prostitute ? If 
the Pimp is pinched for money, how is he to supply the ex¬ 
travagance of the Wh—re ? Bob, with conscious insolence, 
calls for the vote; and all demands are granted. 

By the custom of the Manor, the accession of a new 
Steward required a new choosing of the Lower Chamber of 
Mrs. Bull’s Office. Accordingly, after some compliments 
from Agricol for their liberality, which they certainly deserved, 
the old Houshold were dismissed and a new one ordered to 
be assembled. But this made no difference; for so w idely 
was the contagion of mercenary prostitution diffused over the 
Manor, that the influence of Bob the Pimp and his subordi¬ 
nate procurers w as scarce less powerful with the choosers of 
that Houshold than in the Houshold itself. Hence the new 
domestics were found equally tractable, equally mercenary, 
equally prostitute, with their predecessors; and rather impa¬ 
tient to be initiated into the impure mysteries than any w ay 
afraid or shy of the contaminating approach. 

At their first meeting, the Steward, according to custom, 
presented them w ith the usual entertainment of flummery ; or 
in plain terms, addressed them in a formal and set speech of 
complimentary cozenage. 

Though the Manors of Great Albion and Erin were at 
this time in perfect quiet and tranquillity, and had no reason 
to apprehend any trespass or injury from any quarter ; yet he 
set forth his great care and anxiety for the security of the 
Manor and Family, and hoped that his earnest endeavours to 
keep all quiet on Terrafirm would prove successful. But in 
the mean time, it would not only be convenient, but absolutely 
necessary to supply him abundantly with Cash to provide 
against all contingencies. And he promised, as his father had 


5 3 


always done, to become frugal, and spare John Bull’s money, 
as soon as it should be convenient. All this was mere stuff, 
penned by Bob to wheedle the Office, and the folk on the 
Manor, and to prepare them for the unconscionable demands 
^vhicli he intended to make upon them, without the least 
prospect or purpose of performing those promises of eco¬ 
nomy, or shewing any regard for the Steward’s word or ho¬ 
nour, or for the interest of the 

- o * 

Manor. 

However each Chamber of the Palaverium seemed to vie 
with the other in professions of devotion to the new Steward, 
in plaudits of his great merit, and expressions of gratitude 
for the many blessings enjoyed under his Stewardship ; though, 
in fact it was not yet eight months old. And thus a ready 
compliance with all demands might be anticipated. Bob 
could not, indeed, wish a more favourable prelude to the game 
he had to play than this mutual profusion of compliments ; 
so he began it without ceremony. 

Having first demanded and obtained whatever might be 
necessary for the expence, good order, and improvement of 
the Manor, recourse was next had to the same extravagant 
and shameful pretence made use of in the last Stewardship, 
to draw money out of John Bull’s pocket, and profuse it 
upon the Steward’s Terrafirmal connections and relations. 
Thus, though the Manor was in perfect peace and security, 
a sum, not less than c£230,920 was demanded and granted, 
for maintaining in constant pay on Terrafirm a whole host of 
lawyers, bailiffs, and bullies, called Hasseman’s retainers, to a 
cousin of Agricol’s; and this for the protection of John 
Bull’s Family and Manor;—That Manor, which of all 
others in the world, from its water-girt situation, stood the 
least in need of foreign assistance; and that Family, which of 
all others, had ever shewn itself the most sufficient for its 
own protection. But the money was paid; and, no doubt, 


Family and good of the 


\ 


54 


the generous cousins shared it between them. But what was 
perhaps, even more ridiculous than extravagant, a little pal¬ 
try country squire, the Laird of Wolfemfuddle, another 
cousin of Agricol’s, who could scarce furnish a decent dinner 
for his family, or a clean shirt for his back on Sunday, was to 
receive £25,000 a year ; for which he generously undertook to 
warrant to John Bull the full and sure possession of all his 
three Manors of Albion, Caledonia, and Erin. Risum 
teneatis amici ? And our old friend Gusty Swadd, must 
have his usual sop of £50,000 a year, in consideration of 
Breaside and Greenglen. 

After so much complaisance on the part of John Bull, 
he probably thought himself entitled to something more than 
mere words in return. In the usual account of expences 
given in to the Palaverium, one article was £ 150,000, 
charged as having been expended in protecting the trade and 
defending the extensive commerce the Family carried on by 
water round the Manor. Perhaps it was found that notwith¬ 
standing this heavy charge, and the known superiority of the 
Bull watercraft, trade had been but indifferently protected. 
Be that as it may—the Palaverium thought it right to apply 
to the Steward for a distinct account of the particulars in 
which this sum had been expended. But this w^as a con¬ 
descension by no means to be granted—the example might 
be dangerous. But the Steward very gravely assured them 
that the whole had been spent upon very necessary services ; 
but such as required the greatest secreci/. Of the last part 
of the assertion, no man will doubt the truth. The time has 
been, when such an answ er to such a demand would have ex¬ 
cited the utmost indignation and resentment; but, at present, 
it passed as perfectly satisfactory. Only one individual ob¬ 
served,—That if so impudent and unmeaning a mode of ac- 

• ♦ » 
counting for the Family's money was allowed to pass, there 

was uo use for a Palaverium ; but, a rapacious and profligate 


55 


Major Domo, with his a sociates, might do whatever he 
pleased, and set John Bull and his Manor both to sale. 

A pretended state of accounts and of the Family affairs 
was now presented to the Palaverium; by which it was 
attempted to shew that the Family debts were,all in a fair 
way to be discharged, and all incumbrances on the Estate 
removed, by the good husbandry and frugal economy of the 
present managers of the Steward’s Office. This was, no 
doubt, welcome news. But to what did it tend ? Why, 
only to pave the way for a new demand of a vote for an 
unlimited sum to secure the trade and water commerce of the 
Manor, and to preserve peace and quiet upon Terrafirm. 

It was in vain that the honest and unseduced part of Mrs. 
Bull’s Office exclaimed against these arts, as evident frauds ; 
in vain that they detected and expressly stated to the Steward 
himself, that in one article no less than .-£ 300,000 received by 
him had been entirely omitted, besides innumerable palpable 
and studied deceptions. All was to no purpose; the vote 
was called for, and granted for an unlimited expenditure. 
Besides this unlimited grant for unspecified purposes, another 
was asked and obtained, permitting the Steward to borrow 
*£300,000 to pay the wages of the water men employed in the 
vessels kept for protecting the Manor and its trade by water; 
though this very article, had in the gross, as w-e have seen, 
been already twice allowed for. Such incredibilities the 
memorialist durst not venture to state, were not the facts no-* 
torious, and Confirmed by authentic records now before him. 
For all these obliging condescensions, and this boundless con¬ 
fidence of the Palaverium, the Steward now returned them 
thanks in a strain of no less complaisance and professed con¬ 
fidence ; and then dismissed them for the present. 

Thus the Palaverium, which, while the major part of it 
preserved any pretensions to virtue, honour or honesty, had 
often been considered as an incumbrance to the Steward^ 


\ 


56 


and viewed with no little jealousy, was now become his most 
useful and convenient instrument; and was sure to be called to¬ 
gether, and professedly consulted once a year at least, if it was 
only for the purpose of voting new sums, and sanctioning the 
Major Domo’s proceeding ; who was now considered as their 
master and owner, as much as any man is of his stable or dog-ken¬ 
nel. And no man could possess a better trained or more faithful 
and obedient pack. It is true, some of the honest and unde¬ 
bauched members of Mrs. Bull’s Office would occasionally 
introduce some proposal for the interest of the Family ; and 
if those did not at all affect the Steward’s interests, nor those 
of his Agents, they might, perhaps, be permitted to consult, 
and even decide. But, if they in the least interfered with 
any of these, Bob, who either himself or some of his keepers 
had a constant eye upon them, would instantly silence them ; 
which, as Pimp Major, he could always do with a word, or 
even with a wink to his trusty leaders of the pack. 

As the Bull Family were now in perfect peace and quiet 
among themselves, and free from all quarrels and lawsuits 
with their neighbours, plausible pretences for demanding 
money could with difficulty be found. The pretended ex- 
pences of the Steward’s Houshold, and secret service money, 
were, however, standing sources of never failing demands. 
Notwithstanding the full amount of their demand obtained 
last sitting of the Palaverium, no sooner were they again 
met, than the Steward’s Family ex pences were again played 
off upon them! It was asserted that the funds allowed for 
that purpose fell short of the sum they were estimated at; 
aud it was proposed, that the sum of o£l.5,000 a year should 
be added to it. It was to no purpose that it was clearly 
shown, that the above assertion was a direct falsehood; and 
that by the very last accounts the produce of those funds very 
considerably exceeded the sums at which they were estimated ; 
yet the full augmentation proposed was granted; and oppo^ 


* 


57 


sition and objections served only to augment the triumph of 
Bob and his coadjutors, and to display their equal contempt 
of honesty and of shame. 

The yearly payments of £ 230,920 to Laird Hasseman 
for his band of bailiffs, and bullies which never existed; 
and £< 25,000 to squire Wolfemfuddle to guarrantee John 
Bull’s Manors, were confirmed and continued by the Pala- 
verium; though it had been proposed to desire the Steward 
to discontinue such absurd extravagance. 

At this period the abandoned and unprincipled profligacy 
of the Steward’s Office seems to have diffused itself over the 
whole Manor. Nothing can equal the picture of licentious¬ 
ness and crimes with which the records of those times pre¬ 
sent us. Never were robberies, murders, assasinations and 
wilful burnings so frequent; encouraged and secure of 
impunity, by the entire neglect of every thing but rapacity 
in the Steward’s Office and Agents; to whom it belonged to 
maintain good order among the inhabitants, and to see the 
laws of the Regality executed. In conformity with the 
same rapacity, it had at this time become a practice to send 
letters to persons possessed of property, demanding cer¬ 
tain sums of money, and threatening if the demand was 
not complied with, to burn them alive, with all that belonged 
to them in their houses; which threatenings were in some 
instances actually put in execution. The writers of that day 
represent thieves, robbers, and felons to have been more nu¬ 
merous on the Manor of Albion, at least in the environs of 
the Steward’s Seat and Office ; and to have exceeded in 
atrocity what any other period had produced, since civilization 
had obtained in the world. Perhaps, the present period upon 
the same Manor may vie even with this description ; and will 
be found also to originate from the same source, the profli¬ 
gate contemptible character of those about the Steward’s 
Office. 


t 


* 


58 


Ilocfonte clerical a clades 
In patriam populum que jluxit. 

Especially are wilful and deliberate murders, formerly rare 
in the Bull Family, now become astonishingly and horribly 
frequent.* Nor are these atrocities now confined to Luds- 
town and the environs of the Stewardly residence, but the 
contagion has diffused itself through the whole extent of the 
three Manors. 

But to return to the period now more immediately under 
our consideration.—So prevalent was the depravity in the 
Palaverium, that besides the mercenary prostitution noto¬ 
riously known to be carried on in Mrs. Bull's Office and 

j 

Iloushold, at this time a number of the members of it were 
convicted and expelled the Office, for the most base and 
sordid acts of direct fraud and villany. 

In order to put a stop to this most fertile source of depra¬ 
vation and crime, the infamous Commerce of Prostitution be- 
tween the Steward’s Office and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, about 
this time an attempt was made to introduce a law, that no person 
holding any office, place or appointment; or, receiving any 
payment whatsoever, directly or indirectly, from the Steward’s 
Office, should be capable of a seat in the Lower Chamber 
of Mrs. Bull’s Office. And to this effect every member of 
that Chamber was to be obliged to take a solemn and circum¬ 
stantial oath. This would, indeed, have struck at the very 
root of the evil. But though Mrs. Bull herself and every 
honest and uncorrupted individual in both chambers of her 
Office, earnestly desired and strenuously supported the propo¬ 
sal, there were too many who profited, who subsisted solely 
by the trade of prostitution ; and the interest of the Steward’s 

* This may have been written about the time of the murder of the 
Mars, and some other atrocious instances of the same nature.— Prct. Com . 


59 


Office was too much involved in it, for such a proposal to 
succeed. And though the attempt was again and again re¬ 
newed, it had always the same opposers, and always suffered 
the same defeat. 

• ( „ V 

There is one circumstance which strongly marks the un¬ 
principled character or many of the most obtrusive partisans 
on both sides, in these disputes between the party of the Stew¬ 
ard and the party of the Family. We have formerly taken 
notice, that it was a common practice with the Steward’s 
'Office, when they found themselves obstinately and ably op¬ 
posed by any member of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, to endeavour 
at any price, to corrupt, entice, and seduce the persons over to 
their party, by offers of places and appointments under the Stew¬ 
ard ; which offers, too often prevailed. The circumstance most 
worthy of note is,—That no sooner had the party changed his 
side, than without a blush, without an apology, without a pre¬ 
tence of any new light on the subject, he became one of 
the most bold and s.unuous defenders of the very persons, 
practices, and principles, which he had the day before most 

V 

deservedly condemned and reprobated in the strongest and 
severest terms. 


Chap. VIII. 

Contents. —The Stewardship of the Second Agricol continued.— 
Another abortive Attempt for the Restoration of the Yagob Family 
—its Causes—Progress—Frustration—and final Consequences. 

B UT one of the most interesting incidents of this Stew¬ 
ardship, was a new insurrection which occurred within the 
Manor, in favour of the son of the discarded Steward 





60 


Yagob. At least to the Bull and Caledon Families them¬ 
selves, this was the most interesting ; for those transactions in 
which they were so ruinously implicated, and their money so 
profusely lavished, were merely for the Steward’s interest; 
and such as had no relation to the Families, beside extorting 
their money. Abused and pillaged, as the inhabitants of the 
Manor had been under the last and present Steward, it can¬ 
not be supposed that they were very zealously attached to 
their interest. However, the people on the Manor in gene¬ 
ral, who gave themselves very little concern about Stewards, 
or Steward’s offices, after paying their contributions, were 
willing to enjoy the rest in peace and quiet. And, to do this 
race of Stew ards justice, only let them have money without 
bounds or stint, and they gave themselves little trouble or 
concern w ith, or for, the people on the Manor; and shew ed 
no wish or inclination to trouble or hurt them further. But 

• i * * * , ' * * j » • / I ■ j f J * 

still there were many remaining friends of the old Family, 
who were ready to take advantage of the too much cause given 
by the insatiable rapacity, and profusion of the Steward’s 
Office and Agents, to excite troubles and discontents in the 
Family. And this was the case especially on the Caledonian 
Manor. 

In the coalition which had been effected between the 
two Manors and Families, the Caledonian had rather been 
sold and betrayed by a few leading men in the Family, than 
equally united with the general consent of the people. And 
though the Family in general may have derived advantage 
from it by greater security and tranquillity, and the increase 
of industry and good order through the Manor, yet there 
were certain rude and mountainous districts in that Manor, 
possessed by a bold, roving, uncultivated race of people, who 
had little relish for industry or order; and who found them¬ 
selves much restrained in their usual free and licentious mode 

' * • ***'-•'*.'j * - - \ 

of life. These sort of people, prompt, rash, and inconsider- 


01 


ate, are generally ready for any bold and adventurous under¬ 
taking. But beside their natural turbulent character, and an 
attachment to the Yagob Family, as sprung from among 
themselves, they had at present a particular incentive from 
just and strong motives of resentment and revenge against 
the Steward and his emissaries. 

Being little used to industry, or labour, and now much 
restrained in their accustomed licentiousness, a niimber of 
them had entered themselves into those bands of bailiffs and 
bullies, which were now kept up on almost every manor in 
the whole country round, especially on Terrafirm, for the 
sole purpose of supporting the influence and domination of 
the Stewards. But they entered themselves into this band 
upon the express condition that they should not be sent out 
of the Manor of Great Albion, nor beyond the Great Waters 
which surrounded it. But the Steward and his Agents, in 
their endless Terrafnmal transactions in which they had in¬ 
volved the Families and Manor of Great Albion, were con¬ 
tinually disposed to sacrifice both the people and their pro¬ 
perty for the protection and enlargement of his patrimonial 
possessions. 

Among others thus destined those mountaineers, in con¬ 
tempt of their direct stipulations to the contrary, were order¬ 
ed to embark for Terrafirm : which they refused to do ; 
pleading the express terms of their agreement. But no re¬ 
gard was paid to their plea. The order for their embark¬ 
ation was persisted in ; and they persisted to stand on the 
terms of their engagement. Nor w 7 as it attempted on the 
other hand to deny the truth of these terms. They continued 
to obey orders to the last possible moment: but when 
arrived at the place of embarkation, one step further would 
have put all redress beyond their power. They accordingly 
refused to set a foot on board the vessels prepared for them ; 
and at last retired in a body with their weapons. They were 


62 


immediately pursued/ and surrounded, by a band of horsemen 
and were prevailed upon to surrender quietly, and return with 
them. They were carried to Ludstown, pinioned like male¬ 
factors, and a number of them deliberately shot to death in 
cold blood, for daring to plead truth and justice against 
Stewardical power; and the rest were banished their country 
for ever. Had these men suspected their fate before they 
surrendered, they would, probably, have sold their lives dear, 
and not a man of them have yielded alive: such is the daring 
and desperate character of the race to which they belong. 

The above is a striking instance of the unprincipled perfidy 
of the Stewardical spirit, and of the little account it makes of 
the lives and liberty of men; nay, with what eager gust it 
sacrifices them to its resentment and revenge, when it cannot 
dispose of them for its interest and vanity : and the event 
shews to what extensive and unforeseen scenes of misery 
such provocation may lead, and with how much public dis¬ 
aster and woe such wanton injustice and perfidy are often 
atoned : though no doubt the actors in this scene thought 
their victims too contemptible, either to claim justice, or to 
attempt revenge. .Those who were put to death on this occa¬ 
sion were persons of some consequence, and connections, in 
the Caledonian Manor and among their own friends; and 
their fate, with the perfidy and treachery of the whole trans¬ 
action, and the contumely it seemed to imply, made a deep 
impression, and excited an inextinguishable desire of revenge 
jn the breasts of a naturally irritable and vindictive race. 

The attempt of the Young Adventurer followed nearly at 
the heels of the above transaction, and presented a favourable 
opportunity for that revenge which was so eagerly thirsted after. 
Though the Son of the late Yagob was still alive, it was the 
grandson Carlos, who, in behalf of his father, went upon this 
enterprise; and he could scarcely have chosen a more favourable 
time for his undertaking. Agricol, as was generally the 


# 


^ V 


63 


case, in defiance of the chief article on which his Settlement 
depended, was on Terrafirm pursuing the interests of his 
family and connections there ; which, during this and the last 
Stewardship, were objects of much more attention than the 
Albion and Caledonian Manors; and much more influenced 
the economy, and much more consumed the fortune of the 
Bull Family, than any concerns of their own. His son Willy, 
at the head of his bailiffs and bullies drawn from the Albion 
Manor, was also on Terrafirm pursuing the same objects. 

Carlos having passed the Great Waters not without some 
danger, landed at those rude and mountainous districts of the 
Caledonian Manor we have mentioned, and was soon joined 
by a number of the old adherents of his family ; and still 
more eagerly by the connections of those who had been so 
perfidiously and cruelly sacrificed in the transaction above re¬ 
lated. The news of Carlos’ arrival, it may be supposed, 
caused no little bustle and alarm among those with whom 
Agricol had left the management of affairs in his absence. 

Carlos having got together a band of zealous partisans in 
those mountainous districts, began to move towards the Bull 
Manor, hoping to be joined and supported by numerous 
frieuds as he proceeded. But in this expectation he was 
rather disappointed. For though the folk in general, who 
were beyond the reach of sharing in the profusion of the 
Steward’s Office and the wages of prostitution in Mrs. Bull’s 
Houshold, could have no great attachment to Agricol; yet, 
as after their contributions were paid, he left them pretty 
much to themselves, they lived tolerably contented and com¬ 
fortable ; which they remembered was far from being the 
case under the former family. ’I he affair of the Holiday 
Dress, and the bloody business it occasioned, was not forgot¬ 
ten ; and it was well known that this Carly had all the blind 
zeal and absurd bigotry for Peter and Peterkinism that had 
ever distinguished his family : and this alone was a sufficient 


64 


i 


bar to success with the folk in general on both Manors. But 
as the Young Adventurer conducted himself with much civili¬ 
ty and moderation, and kept his followers in tolerable order, 
the folk held themselves pretty quiet, with much seeming in¬ 
difference to either party. 

Carlos proposed to advance to JLudstown itself, the resi¬ 
dence of the Steward, and by a general issue at law to eject 
Agricol. As he advanced he had some scuffles with a few of 
the bailiffs and bravos of the other party; and some on 
both sides met w ith broken heads and bloody noses, and some 
had even their brains knocked out. In these braw ls the ad¬ 
vantage happened generally to fall on the side of the Young 
Adventurer. And to the great disgrace of the inhabitants, 
he even possessed himself of Edintown, the Stewardical 
mansion of the Caledonian Manor. Here, however, he 
made little stay; and, as he proceeded some munitions and 
districts in the Albion Manor fell also into his possession, 
and he was fast approaching to Ludstown; which was under 
no little apprehension and alarm. 

In the mean time, Agricol and Willy his son were arrived 
from Terrafirm, and preparations were making effectually to 
oppose the rash adventurers. Carlos having now advanced 
into the very centre of the Albion Manor, found himself 
miserably disappointed in his expectation of being joined by 
the tenants and folk on the Estate; scarce one of whom of 
any consideration c ime near him. And finding AgricoPs 
lawyers, bailiffs, and bullies gathering in large parties around 
him, he found it necessary to tread back his steps; w hich, in 
spite of all opposition, he did with astonishing good order 
and success. Being again arrived in the neighbourhood of 
Edintown, he was encountered on Downkirk Moor by one of 
AgricoPs bailiffs, who.had boasted that with a few men on 
horseback to keep up the pursuit, he would drive those nim¬ 
ble mountaineers and their leader from one extremity of the 


65 


Manor to the other. This fine fellow, with his horsemen, 
being arrived near the retreating mountaineers, was told, that 
instead of giving him the trouble of pursuing them, they 
were coming to meet him. At this he affected to laugh; 
nor would believe it, till they were absolutely about his ears; 
and made such work among his horsemen, that manv of them 
were soon dismounted never to mount again : and he, and 
the rest, were glad to scamper off to hdintown, with such 
black eyes and bloody noses, that they were ashamed to shew 
their faces for some time after ; beside a number that really 
had their brains beat out in the brawl. 

In the mean time, Willy with his mermidons, was fast ad¬ 
vancing upon Carlos and his mountaineers, with assured confi¬ 
dence of driving them out of the Manor. Carlos repaired 
to the woody and mountainous tracts, where he thought he 
could best secure himself and followers, and where he had 
most friends. But even these began now to be shy of openly 
joining him ; though, I think, none of them could ever be in¬ 
duced to betray him. But now, if not the courage, at least 
the fortune and prudence of the whole party seemed to have 
forsaken them. 

i 

At last, in mere desperation, they determined to turn upon 
their pursuers, and to put all to the hazard in one of those pu¬ 
gilistic rencounters, which frequently occur in cases of eject¬ 
ment or trespass. Here the contest was for a while main¬ 
tained with great resolution on both sides, but the event was 
such as might with certainty be anticipated, from the in¬ 
equality of the combatants in number and preparation ; it was 
a man to an host; a handful of driven mountaineers to the 
whole posse of both Manors, with the yet undaunted Willy 
at their head. 

The consequences of this event were decisive and truly 
shocking, but would be too painful to be here particularly re¬ 
lated. To say nothing of broken limbs, battered brains, and 

VOL. II. F 


6*6 


mangled bodies, usual on such occasions; it is said, there 
were some, and those of note in Willy’s party, who, after the 
combat was over, amused themselves in mutilating the dead, 
torturing the dying, and beating out the brains of those who 
might otherwise have recovered. Those who escaped were 
pursued, and every where knocked on the head, or shot to 
death like wild beasts. The women, who, with their chil¬ 
dren, had remained in their houses, after seeing their husbands 
murdered, were violated, stripped naked, and turned on the 
mountains; every house and habitation was burnt, and some 
whole families were shut up and burnt alive in their houses. 
And when these horrid executioners of vengeance retired, 
they left behind them an extensive tract of the Caledonian 
Manor entirely waste, desolate, and silent; as if man and 
beast had been swept from the face of the earth ! So that 
there is scarce in human records a scene of such severe ven¬ 
geance and universal destruction to be met with. Indeed, an 
unaccountable and unnatural thirst of blood seems at this 
time to have seized the victorious Chief; for a number of his 
own party, amounting to about forty, having, through fear, 
or some other motive, absented themselves from the combat, 
being afterwards found, they were not, as is usual on such 
occasions, subjected to whipping and scourging, and such 
corrective punishment, or a few dispatched for example to 
the rest: they were every man of them knocked on the head, 
like so many bullocks for the slaughter. It is true, the busi¬ 
ness w r as over, and Carlos and his party entirely suppressed ; 
and these men were now no more wanted for the Steward’s im¬ 
mediate use ; and with that rank of persons, to say the life of a 
man and the life of a dog is of equal account, w ould be far 
short of a fair statement. With such, the life of a dog may 
be no small object; the life of a thousand men passes for no¬ 
thing. \\ ith them, the death of so many men in their cause, 
and of so many mites in their cheese, is of equal estimation. 


67 


And to this day, the Chieftain in this business is distin¬ 
guished in those parts by the name of Butcher Willy. 

It would be as painful to the Reader, as it is to the Compi¬ 
ler of these Memoirs, to relate the shocking barbarities ex¬ 
ercised upon the wretched victims that fell alive into the 
hands of the Agents and Executioners of the Steward.— 
The mangling of carcasses, the ripping out of bowels and 
burning them in the sight of the owners yet alive, with other 
such tortures and cruelties as could only be invented in Hell 
itself, and exercised only by its Agents. 

Yet cruelty and inhumanity certainly are not the particular 
characteristics of the Bull Family. These horrid inflictions 
must, therefore, be ascribed to the habitual and systematic con¬ 
tempt of human suffering, with the Stewardical character in 
general. As to the Family in question, the most that can be 
ascribed to them is a blunted perception, a natural deficiency 
in feeling and sentiment; and even that may be but an effect 
of the tendency of such a station, to privation of capacity, 
and depravation of character .—Raru enirn ferine sensus com - 
munis in ilia fort aria —is a maxim, to which, in these 
Memoirs, we have constant occasion to recur. 





F 2 


t 








08 



Chap. IX. 

Contents. —The Stewardship of the Second Agricol continued.—The 
Steward’s Agents resume theirRapacity and Profusion with redoubled 
diligence.—The whole wealth of the Manor being unequal to their 
demands, they borrow immense sums upon John Bull’s credit.— 
Hence, he is involved in debt, which has gone on increasing to this 
day, so that he stands on the brink of Bankruptcy.—An effectual 
remedy for this desperate case, would exclude every Agent of the 
Steward, and instrument of the Steward’s Office from the Lower 
Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Office. 

T HIS internal insurrection in the Manor being thoroughly 
felled, the Agents of the Steward’s Office resumed with 
redoubled eagerness their accustomed rapacity and profusion. 
And, as if they had resolved to compensate for the lost time 
in which their attention had been diverted to other objects, 
and to to try how much the patience of John Bull would 
bear; how much they could find pretences to lay upon him ; 
how much lavish upon the Steward’s Terrafnmal connec¬ 
tions—-just at this time the following incredible list appears, 
as demanded by the Steward’s Office, and granted by the 
Palaverium. 

To the Dowager Widow of Squire South, as nominal supe¬ 
rior of Agricol’s Palaverium Terrafirmal Estates, an yearly 
pension of c£433,000, under the name of a Retainer. To 
the Laird of Sardin <£300,000, under the same designation. 
To keep up on Agricol’s Estate on Terrafirm a hand of 
bailiffs and bullies, to take part in all the quarrels in the 
neighbourhood, £A 10,000. To keep up so many Hassemans 
for the same purpose, £161,607 ; all to be paid out of John 
Bull’s pocket. To the Lord of Ruskia, £300,000. To the 
Lairds of Collon, Menz, and Bavar, £33,000 each; for 
he mere sake of lavishing John Bull’s money on Agricol’s 


60 


connections. And lastly, to Agricol himself, to enable him 
to carry on his Terrafirmal quarrels and lawsuits with success, 
£ ' 500,000 . Yet not satisfied with this incredible profusion, 
the Steward again complained that the funds for the support 
of his Houshold expences tell short of the sums expected, 
and he hoped they would make up the deficiency ; which, 
notwithstanding the known redundancy of these funds, was 
implicitly complied with; and more than <£100,000 a year 
was added to his former allowance. 

About Jus time, also, he married his eldest daughter to 
Squire Orasis, and asked Mrs Bull to give her a portion. 
Tor the Steward’s eldest daughter, this had been customary; 
and £ 80,000 was given. A little after he begged something 
for pin-money ; £ 5,000 a year was granted. Soon after this 
he sent notice to Mrs. Bull that he had settled £39,000 a 
year out of John Bull’s Bstate upon his unmarried daughters, 
and hoped she would confirm the settlement; which was 
done accordingly Presently after this, he sent word to Mrs. 
Bull that he intended to give his daughter Moil to his cousin, 
Squire * asseman, and hoped she would give the girl a fortune ; 
£ 40,000 was given. These two last articles were things 
never before asked or thought of by the most grasping of the 
antient Stewards. But not content with this, six months after 
the marriage, under pretence of hiring bullies and bravos of 
this Hasseman, £ 250,000 a year were settled upon him for 
four years certain. In the course of these Memoirs we 
shall soon find this faithful kinsman and ally, as a compensa- 
tion for such profuse liberality, turned Peterkin, and joining 
Lewds Baboon against his father*in-law in his misfortune. 
In short, it would be difficult to determine whether the una¬ 
bashed assurance with which money was demanded, or the 
patient compliance with which it was granted, were most 
.astonishing. 

But the Steward having, as we have said, got a Palaverium 



70 


entirely at his disposal; and*the Steward’s Major Domo, 
being, by means of his other office of Pimp General, as 
much master in Mrs. Bull’s house as in his own, whatever he 
cliose to propose, was sure of a ready and eager compliance. 
It is no part of the character of pimps and prostitutes to cal¬ 
culate consequences. 

The sums lavished would indeed be incredible, and what no 
estate could immediately raise; but John Bull’s credit was so 
well established, that if once John was engaged tor the amount, 
any sum could readily be borrowed. And even those leeches,who 
so insatiably sucked the Family wealth, were glad to deposit 
their portions again here for high interest for a second in¬ 
crease. And in this way John Bull’s affairs have been car¬ 
ried on from that time to the present, till he is involved in a 
debt beyond the fee simple of his Estate. And which, instead 
of any hopes or prospect of being paid or diminished, is 
yearly increasing by millions, even while he stands on the very 
brink of bankruptcy. ✓ 

And though there may be no impossibility in the nature of 
things, for John Bull to recover his affairs by a system of 
frugality and economy, as rigid, and as obstinately persisted 
in, as the contrary system of extravagance and profusion 
has been ; yet, in the present circumstances of the . Family 
and Manor, and in the hands of the present Agents, it is im¬ 
possible that any such scheme of frugality and temperance 
should be admitted or carried through. By the lavish pro¬ 
fusion, and boundless extravagance, originating with the Stew¬ 
ard’s Office and Agents, voluptuousness and indulgence are 
grown so much into a habit, and so widely diffused from that 
office downward to ail whom its remotest influence can 
reach, that the very fopperies and follies of extreme luxury 
are considered as essential to their existence. And though 
these may be in number but a small proportion of the whole 
folk on the Manor, yet have they, by means of that prostitu- 


71 


tion carried on in Mrs. Bull’s Family, ingrossed the whole 
power of the Manor, and almost the whole wealth of the 
Family into their hands. And by the influence which these 
give them, the contagion of prostitution, with the infection of 
that loathsome disease it has engendered, have diffused them¬ 
selves to almost every corner of the Manor; and the Bull and 
Caledonian Families, formerly so sound, healthy, and vigorous 
a race, are now little better than a mass of corruption; 
and the Manor a mere lazar-house of putrifaction and 
filthiness. And the whole must soon terminate in entire dis¬ 
solution. 

To remedy all this, indeed, one step only is necessary ; 
that is, to make a law of the Manor entirely to prohibit that 
infamous Commerce of Prostitution between the Steward’s 
Office and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold ; and that no person holding 
any place, office, appointment, or pension under the Steward, 
shall be capable of a seat in the Lower Chamber of Mrs. 
Bull’s Office. In short, to make it of sure felonious conse¬ 
quence to be detected in this infamous Commerce. But 
while those two offices, with the Steward, have the making of 
all laws, what chance is there of such a law being obtained ? 
Yet, without such a law, and that speedily, the condition of 
the Family is desperate,—it is all over with John Bull! 

a , 

It would be tedious and disgusting to return again to the 
constantly increasing instances of gross profusion, the blind 
bargains, absurd agreements, and ruinous engagements en¬ 
tered into by the Steward and his Agents, with his Terrafirmal 
connections, at the expence of John Bull; by which, without 
any interest or connections with the object, he was become a 
principal in every quarrel and lawsuit on Terrafirm. Thus was 
poor John most miserably duped by those lie most trusted. 
Thus was his wealth lavished, without procuring him either 
advantage or respect 5 and his affairs carried 011 without 
conduct, without concert, without the confidence either of 



72 


the Family itself, or of their dear purchased fr’ends; who, 
after incalculable sums received to secure their partiality and 
assistance, were ready on the first occasion to join his ene¬ 
mies ; and to turn the bands of bailiffs, bullies, and consta¬ 
bles, kept up at John Bull’s expence, and paid with Ins money, 
against himself and the party which he supported. This was 
actually done by many,especially by the Dowager l.adv South, 
who had been in the habit of receiving a yearly pension of 
cfTOOjOOO of John Bull s money out of mere sympathy and 
friendship. 1 hus was John duped by his Steward, robbed 
by his Agents, betrayed by his friends, contemned by his 
enemies, and ridiculed and laughed at by ail the world. 

In vain was it proposed by the honest part of the Palave- 
rium, to request the Steward not to be so lavish of the 
Family’s money ; and, especially to remonstrate against those 
Terrafirmal connections, upon which such immense sums 
were lavished, under pretence of retaining lawyers, even in 
time of perfect quiet; when there was no cause to defend, 
nor quarrel to maintain. 1 hough the proposul was strenu¬ 
ously supported in both Chambers of Mrs. Bull’s Office, by 
the few faithful friends of the Family ; yet, through the influ¬ 
ence of tiie Steward’s Agents, and the number of prostitutes 
among Mrs. Bull’s domestics, it was scouted and rejected in 
both. In these absurd, ruinous, and debasing transactions, 
passed the greater part of the Stewardship of the second 
•Agricol; but towards the close of it a more active and 
interesting scene took place. 


* 


73 


Chap. X. 


Contents. —-The Stewardship of the Second Agricol continued.—Colum¬ 
bia discovered ;—a New World—in which both John Bull and Lewis 
Baboon obtain extensive Moiiois. — Lewis attempts, by craft, to oust 
John >t is Columbian Esiate :—Quarrel and go to L>w upon tbe sub¬ 
ject:—the whole of Euporia and Columbia implicated in the Quarrel. 
—Agricol a.armed for his Terrafirmal Farm :—engages, and retains, at 
incredible expence, all the Lawyers, Bailiffs, and Bullies, on Terra- 
firm— and all at John Bull’s cost—all of whom, as soon as the Quarrel 
broke out, actually joined their neighbour Lewis against poor duped 
John Bull:—For though it was very convenient for them to receive 
John’s money, he lav too far from them to be able either to protect, 
or hurt them—whereas, their Lands every where bordering upon 
Lewis’s Manor, to quarrel with him was sure ruin. 



ff E have already taken notice that the Albanion Manors, 
including that of Green Erin, were surrounded with immense 


waters; so extensive in some directions, that for ages no man 
knew the bounds of them,— or rather it was scarce ever 
thought, by ordinary minds, whether they had any bounds, or 
whether any thing lay beyond them. At last one (Jolumb, 
a person of a mind and genius far superior to the age in which 
nature had produced him, conceived the thought that these 
waters must of necessity have some bounds ; must either ter¬ 
minate m some unknown lands beyond them, ot extend 
round the globe till they reached the already known lands in 
the opposite quarter Strongly possessed of this rational 
idea, he formed the design of finding those bounds, and what 
lay bexond those waters. With a view to this he had long 
solicited die wealthy proprietors, or powerful Stewards in the 
neighbourhood, to assist him with the means of prosecuting 
such an interesting enterprize. • ut alas ! with little success. 

These barbarous debased drones were too much immersed ia 

% 




74 


their own little selfish pursuits, to be capable of conceiving, 
much more of interesting themselves in so great and generous 
a design. At last, however, from the selfish motive of sharing 
in the advantage of what the discovery might produce, he 
obtained from Lord Strut a few vessels of no great strength, 
or capacity, with which he determined to make the attempt. 
In which, however desperate the design was then thought, lie 
soon succeeded beyond his most sanguine expectations; and 
after a course far exceeding what had ever been run from 
land before, he actually discovered a new world, altogether 
unknown to those who had hitherto thought themselves the 
only inhabitants of the world. 

This discovery aroused the curiosity, and attracted the 
attention of the inhabitants of the Old Terrafirm and its pre¬ 
cincts; and various excursions were now made to the New 
Country. And as it was but thinly inhabited, and almost en¬ 
tirely uncultivated, several Families from the Old World made 
attempts to settle, and cultivate Farms upon it: and the Bull 
and Frank Families in particular, soon had each extensive 
settlements in those regions. This discovery was made, and 
these settlements begun, a long time before the period we are 
now writing of. 

This New World we shall call Columbia, after the name 
of its great discoverer. In this tract, of almost boundless ex¬ 
tent, and inhabited by a race entirely rude, and ignorant of 
the arts of cultivation, John Bull and Lewis Baboon, as has 
been said, had each their Farms, where a few of their respec¬ 
tive Families had settled. For a long time these settlers 
went on in their own way, little thought of or regarded by 
their original families : and being free from the shackles of 
perverted authority, and the destructive influence of artificial 
luxury, and Stewardical rapacity, they soon increased greatly 
in wealth and number. What greatly accelerated this increase 
on the Bull Farms, was,—that when the first Carlos attempt- 


75 


ed to subvert all the laws and customs of the Manors of 
Albion and Caledonia, and to make himself absolute master 
of the people and their property, numbers of the most free 
and independent spirits transferred themselves, their families, 
and their property, to these newly discovered regions; where 
they thought they would be beyond the reach of the Steward’s 
tyranny and rapacity. And for a while they were so. But 
their increasing wealth and prosperity soon attracted the no¬ 
tice, and invited the grasp, of Stewardical avarice and ambi¬ 
tion ; and that to its own disgrace and ruin, as we shall in the 
progress of these Memoirs have occasion to relate. 

This new discovered country being almost an entire waste, 
and of immense extent; the settlers of the Bull and Frank 
Families had chosen their respective Farms at a considerable 
distance from each other : but as they were each continually 
extending their boundaries, they began to approach nearer 
and nearer, and to excite mutual jealousies of one another. 
Lewis Baboon’s people had settled on two opposite sides of 
John Bulls Farm, though at a great distance each way. But 
according to his usual knavish practices, Lewis soon began to 

• i -4 

occupy the immediate space, and to make encroachments 
upon the outskirts of his neighbour’s Farm. As the Frank- 
land settlements lay the one to the South, and the other to the 
North of John Bull’s, by extending the boundary fences of 
each to the West, Lewis had nearly hemmed John’s premises 
in on three sides, and almost quite surrounded them with 
hedges, ditches, and stone walls. He next proceeded to set 
up turnpike gates, and toll bars, and bridges, at every egress 
from John Bull’s Farm; so that his people could neither have 
egress nor regress to and from their lands without interruption, 
nor carry on any trade or intercourse with the neighbours, but 

. i 

at his will and pleasure. 

Besides, Lewis had, by tampering with the neighbours, 
set the whole country against the Bull people; had told 







76 


those rude and uncultivated boors, that the Bull people 
were reprobates, and no Christians ; and that it was damna¬ 
ble to buy or sell, or have any intercourse with them: 
which was indeed effectually prevented by means of those 
turnpike gates and toll bars; some of which were erected 
even within the boundaries of the Bull Farm, now indeed 
enlarged to a Manor of considerable extent. And through 
those gates and bars Lewis permitted none to pass but whom 
he pleased ; thus he absolutely prevented the more distant 
neighbours from coming to trade with the Bull people; nor 
could the Tenants on John’s Farm carry their produce to the 
neighbouring markets. The consequence was, the butter 
stood till it stank, the eggs lay till they were addled, and the 
rats and mice scooped the cheeses quite hollow, and weevils 
destroyed half the grain before it could he disposed of. Thus 
John Bull’s Tenants were in danger of being entirely ruined. 
Nor was this the worst. The unconscionable rogue Lewis 
used to set on the idle and ill-disposed among the neighbours 
to attack John’s people in their houses by night, and even to 
rob and murder them. 

The truth is—beyond the boundaries of John and Lewis’ 
Columbian Farms was a sort of extra-parochial district; a 
kind of forest tract that literally lay West of the law—and 
the inhabitants were a very rude, ignorant, uncultivated, 
and lawless race. The greater part of them had never seen 
a. Church in their lives ; the children were never taught their 
Catechism, and not one m a hundred could repeat his Creed, 
or say his Paternoster. It will easily be believed that Lewis, 
so notorious for dexterity and cunning, found it no difficult 
matter to impose upon and mislead such people : and in 
conformity with the principles of Peterkmism, to which 
Lewis and his people staunchly adhered, he had persuaded 
those simple folk that John Bull and all his Family were 
■assuiedly damned; and that it w f as a meritorious action to cut 


) 


77 

their throats, and kill them by all possible means: and he 
even offered a reward for every head of the Bull people that 
they should bring unto him. In short, matters came to this 
pass,—that John Bull’s people could neither cultivate their 
farms, keep their families, nor even live with safety in their 
houses; and it was plain that John must either suffer himself 
to be ousted of all his possessions in the Columbian regions, 
or go to law with Lewis Baboon. 

To law, then, they went:—and the suit was for some time 
carried on in the usual way, with little advantage on either 
side, except to the lawyers. A partial verdict was sometimes 
obtained by the one party, sometimes by the other; but there 
was no prospect of any thing decisive on either side. 

The proceedings were carried on in the Euporian as well 
as the Columbian Courts, and at last extended to every place 
where the two principal parties, Bull and the Franks, had 
any possessions, interest, or influence ; and by connections 
with one or other party, almost every Manor, Estate, and 
Family, in the whole country round, came to be involved in 
the quarrel. And John Bull, in consequence of those pre¬ 
posterous and pernicious connections and engagements in 
which during the two last Stewardships he had been impli¬ 
cated on Terrafirm, had almost every Estate upon it to pro¬ 
tect from the injuries and encroachments of Lewis. Lewis’s 
main Estate lay in this district, and by his wealth and power 
he was by far an overmatch for any one; or almost for all 
his neighbours together. As to John Bull, his own Manor, 
since its union with the Caledonian, was so perfectly secure 
from injury and encroachment from every quarter, by the 
waters with which it was surrounded, and by John Bull’s 
superiority to all his neighbours in every kind of Water war¬ 
fare, that he might laugh at all their attempts to trouble him. 
But as Lewis w ? as well aware of the great partiality of Agri- 
col for his own Terrafirmal Estate, and that the least trespass 


i 





78 


upon it would interest him more than the greatest disasters on 
the Albion Manor, or even the loss of the whole of John 
Bull’s Columbian possessions;—bv threatening, or making, a 
forcible entry upon that; or by encroaching on the Estates of 
Agricol’s connections in that quarter,—Lewis hoped to make 
these the principal objects of the lawsuit; and by means of 
his partiality of Agricol, to divert the efforts ol the Bull 
Family from the protection of their Columbian possessions, 
to the defence of Agricol’s Family interests and Terrafirmal 
Estates. Nor was he at all mistaken in these views. Lor 
no sooner was the quarrel apprehended, than Agricol left 
John Bull’s affairs in the hands of his Clerks and Agents, and 
off he set for his Terrafirmal Farm, in spite of all remon¬ 
strances made in Mrs. Bull’s Office to the contrary. And 
though we are already sick, as we fear our Readers also may 
be, of recounting the unconscionable profusion of John Bull’s 
money upon these Terrafirmal connections, it is impossible 
to pass over some still more excessive instances of pro¬ 
digality that now' took place. 

Agricol taking it for granted, that in consequence of the 
Columbian quarrel, Lewis would make an entry upon his 
Terrafirmal Estates of Handover, had early begun to provide 
for its security. For this purpose he had hired of his Cousin 
Hasseman, who dealt in the trade of keeping and hiring out 
such cattle, a numerous band of bravos, bullies, and banditti, 
as a provision against contingencies. And as the whole ex¬ 
pence was to come out of John Bull’s pocket, the bargain 
was made much after the mode of the prodigal heir borrowing 
money of the Jew', who generously agreed to lend his money at 
£S0 per cent.; but as Stock must be sold at £%0 per cent, 
under par to raise the sum, that £20 per cent, must be added 
to the interest, with £5 per cent, for agency and brokerage: 
so at £55 per cent, he could accommodate him. Thus, 
though Cousin Hasseman had always such bands on hand, 


79 


yet Agricol agreed to pay, for raising the bands, 80 crowns 
for each horseman, and 30 crowns for each footman. To 
Squire Hass himself, from the day of the agreement, 150,000 
crowns, yearly, for four years certain, whether the men were 
wanted or not—from the time notice was given that they 
would be wanted, 300,000 crowns a year till they should enter 
into John Bull’s pay—mid if they should not be wanted for 
the whole of the four years, still the 300,000 crowns a year 
to be paid to the end of the term. A similar agreement was 
at the same time made with Madam Husky—that if the Tcr- 
rafirmal Farm of Agricol w as trespassed upon, or seized, her 
Ladyship should supply him with an immense band of bravos, 
bullies, and banditti, in which her Manor greatly abounded. 
In consideration of which, Agricol, out of the income of John 
Bull's Estate was to pay her from the day of the agreement 
<£ 100,000 a year, each year to be paid in advance. When 
these bravos should be actually wanted, then she was to re¬ 
ceive <£500,000 a year, to be paid always four months in ad¬ 
vance, and this to continue three mouths after the whole were 
dismissed. 

i 

But what most markedly exposes the extravagance, the 
absurdity, the direct folly of these engagements, is, that those 
very neighbours on whom Agricol had been thus lavishing 
John Bull’s money, when there wars no quarrel, and no assist¬ 
ance wanted, in order to secure their friendship and aid when 
it should be wanted; the moment it was wanted, having re¬ 
ceived the money, every one took the opposite side, and set 
themselves against him. Thus the Dowager South, Bavar, 
Sax, and even Madam Husky, with her <£500,000 a year, 
will soon be found opposing Agricol with all those bands of 
bailiffs and bullies, w hich he had so profusely enabled her to 
raise and keep up. 

This enormous prodigality* and folly on account of the 
Steward’s Terrafirmal connections, and in whi<sh John Bull 


« 







80 


had really no interest at all, did not pass without opposition 
by Mrs. Bull, and the few honest men that were in her office; 
very strong remonstrances were made against it. j he conse¬ 
quence of w hich was, that instead of the abuse being correct¬ 
ed, everv person who had dared to open his mouth against 
this madness, or speak one word in John Bull’s behalf, was 
immediately turned out of every appointment,place, or employ¬ 
ment that he held, either in the Steward’s Office, in the busi¬ 
ness of the Manor, or in the service of the Family; though 

\ 

all these places were paid out of John Bull’s own pocket. 
For such was the deplorable pass to which John Bull was 
now brought, that no man who dared to discover the least 
concern for him or his Family, when it came in competition 
with the will of the Steward, could expect any countenance, 
support, or employment, or ever pass with impunity, so far 
as the influence of the Steward’s Office could extend. 

In the mean time, law proceedings were going on in every 
part of the country, to the great expence and ruin of all con¬ 
cerned ; the lawyers and their train only excepted. Indeed, 
on John BullVpart, the suit was far from being carried on with 
that spirit and success that had generally attended his law pro¬ 
ceedings. At present, from the weak and contemptible cha¬ 
racter of the Steward’s principal Agents, and all who com¬ 
posed his office, nothing but blunders, confusion and dis¬ 
grace, could be expected : and the event was just what might 
be anticipated. Bob, the notorious Ma or Domo and Pimp, 
had been some time dead, and there had been much chopping 
and changing in the office ; but on the plan they acted, no man 
of principle or integrity could be admitted among them ; and 
no man of character or capacity would embark his reputation 
along with such driveliers; the utmost stretch of whose 
abilities reached not be)ond making out an account, drawing 
up a bill of charges, or copying a conveyance. To make an 
able solicitor of an important cause require talent very differ¬ 
ent from a haeknied scriviner, or a common clerk in office. 


81 


However, on they went, noodle and doodle, with great 
confidence and self-complacency. But soon their absurd 
blunders and shameful miscarriages excited the discontent 
and indignation of every inhabitant of the Manor; the cla¬ 
mour and din ot which struck, them with amazement and 
terror. 



Chap. XI. 


Contents. —The Stewardship of the Second Agricol continued.—Lond 
clamours and discontents on the Albion Manor on account of the 
bad Economy of the Stewardship, and misconduct of the Lawsuit—• 
this clamour increased by the loss of Minork or Little Isle.—Poor 
Skipper Bang thrown out by the Steward’s Office, as a Tub to* 
amuse the Whale—and sacrificed to their own safety 


Upon one occurrence, particularly, this clamour became 
so loud and alarming, as to give occasion to a singular event, 
which engaged at the time much attention ; and was probably 
exhibited expressly with that view, to divert the resentment of 
the folk on the Manor from the dastardly and trembling authors 
of the public disasters, to one wretched victim of them. In 
a distant branch of the Great Waters that surrounded the 
Albion Manors, John Bull possessed a small Hamlet or Farm, 
called Minork, or Little Isle; of no great value in itself, but of 
importance as a station for watercraft; and which enabled 
John to hold the superiority of the great waters of Middle- 
pool, and to command the numerous watercraft stations 
around it; a point of which John and all the Bull Family 
made much account, and on which they greatly valued them¬ 
selves. This Hamlet, for the same reasons that Squire Bull 


VOL. II, 


G 







82 


wished to hold it, Lewis Baboon had resolved to dispossess 
him of. And of this purpose Bull s Steward’s Office had 
early advice ; and Lewis’ preparations for taking* possession 
of it were notorious to all the country round, and excited no 
little anxiety in the Bull .Family. But in the Steward’s 
Office, to which it belonged to provide against such events, 
nothing was either done or devised to prevent it. 

At last the news arrived that Lewis had actually made an 
entry, and had landed his bailiffs and bravos on the premises. 
All was now confusion, distraction, and dismay, among the 
Steward’s Agents and Advisers ; like men just awakened 
from a dream. As the whole Bull Family were now in the 
utmost commotion and alarm, it was of necessity that some¬ 
thing should be done. So without counsel, without concert, 
without any plan of operation, or knowledge of the means 
necessary to the object in view, one Skipper Bang was dis¬ 
patched with the assistance thought requisite to enable old 
Blakey, bailiff of the Farm, to repel and drive off’ Lewis’ 
banditti. This Blakey was a fine old fellow, who being used 
to such situations, had collected all his people into the castle, 
or mansion house, which w as naturally strong; and here he 
hoped to set Lewis’ bravos at defiance, till he should be fur¬ 
ther assisted. When Lewis made his entry, he sent also a 
large collection of watercraft, to keep around the Island in 
which the possession lay, to prevent any assistance reaching 
it. In this state were things when Skipper Bang came in 
sight of the place ; and Blakey exulted in the certainty of 
effectual succour. For as John Bull’s superiority in all water 
warfare was indisputable, he could not doubt but Bang had 
come with sufficient strength to disperse or destroy every 
thing that Lewis could oppose in that quarter; and had one 
grain of knowledge or reason been exhibited on the occasion, 
it could not have been otherwise. But it was far otherwise ; 
for not only were Lewis’ craft superior in number and 



83 


strength ; but when they came in actual conflict, though some 
of the subordinate skippers on the Bull side behaved with 
distinguished bravery, and beat their opponents, Bang and 
those about him, as it is said, acted so dastardly, and kept at 
such a distance the whole time of the conflict, that he neither 
did much hurt to his antagonists, nor received much damage 
himself. The Baboon Skipper, who was perfectly sensible 
of the Bull superiority in all water encounters, was very 
well content to come off so. He, accordingly, kept 
also at a wary distance ; which he could easily do, his craft 
being clean, and in good condition ; whereas, Bang’s had 
been sent out foul, ill-furnished, and altogether unfit for ser¬ 
vice. Bang, therefore, having consulted his subordinates, 
agreed to retire, and abandon the business as impracti¬ 
cable ; without conveying any aid to poor Blakey, or attempt- 
ing^any communication with him. The brave Blakey, was 
of course, with great disappointment and mortification, ob¬ 
liged to surrender into the hands of Lewis’ people, the 
Farm, himself, and his few assistants,—scarce sufficient in 
number to keep watch on the walls they had to defend. 

Jt is impossible to paint the indignation and resentment 
of the Bull Family when the news of this affair reached 
the Manor of Albion. They were, indeed, almost mad : 
and the Steward’s Agents and Advisers, trembling for them¬ 
selves, as a Tub to amuse the whale, threw all the blame 
upon poor Bang, whom they ordered to be arrested and sent 
home in chains; as guilty of treachery, or cowardice, or 
both; which are by the laws of Bravadism subjected to 
death. 

The justly roused rage and indignation of the Bull Family 
seemed to demand a victim, and those about the Steward’s 
Office determined to sacrifice the wretched Bang to their own 
safety. For this purpose, they began to trump up and spread 
stories, to render him obnoxious, and make his conduct on 

G 2 




84 


the day of the conflict still more treacherous and cowardly 
than it was,— 

\ 

Criminibm terrere novis ; June spagere voces , 

In vulgum ambiguas, et querere , conscious , arma . 

Such were the instigations published and pasted up at 
every corner, to excite and direct the resentment of the 
Family and folk on the Manor against their destined victim. 

The Steward’s Advisers had two powerful motives for their 
conduct on this occasion ; one, to turn the general resentment 
and clamour from themselves upon the wretched Bang: the 
other, by putting him out of the way, effectually to stop the 
mouth of the man who might bring to light and expose 
their negligence, and ignorance, and incapacity; not to say 
their treachery. 

A Court of Bravadism was, accordingly, appointed to try 
him. As his prosecutors were themselves the persons who 
exercised the whole power and authority of the Stewardship; 
and who, he believed, though they meant to amuse and di¬ 
vert the public attention from themselves, did not, as con¬ 
scious of their own greater guilt, mean to carry the matter to 
extremity, and really sacrifice him to their own'safety. He, 
therefore, kept measures with them in his recrimination ; and 
did not make so pointed and direct a defence as it was known 
he might have done, had he been aware of the full extent of 
his danger, and of the policy and perfidy of his prosecutors. 
And when he found himself condemned, and sentence of 
death really passed upon him, he could not forbear strongly 
expressing his astonishment and resentment. But as the 
power of pardon still rested with the Steward, and depended 
on the influence of the prosecutors with him, he thought 
it still necessary to use some reserve, and still did not think 
his life in real danger ; especially, as his Judges themselves. 


85 


\ 



recommended it to those about the Steward, to intercede for 
him; confessing the rigour of the sentence, which, in com¬ 
pliance with the strict letter of the law, they said, they were 
obliged to pronounce upon him. This was recommending 
the hare to the mercy of the hound, or the chicken to the 
clemency of the kite. 

The Stewards of the present race, though sufficiently alive 
and sensible to what concerns the Family interest, or their 
Terrafirmal connections, have generally shown the utmost 
sang-froid and indifference to the persons and concerns of 
the Bull Family ; except in the punishing of sedition, and 
procuring of contributions :—nor could the Steward, in a 
case in which their own safety was implicated, possibly be 
wanting in complaisance to his Advisers ; who, on all occa¬ 
sions were so entirely devoted to him. The Steward did 
not choose to give himself any concern in the matter. So the 
poor Skipper was left to his fate, and actually hanged. 

An account of this matter, somewhat different has been 

in circulation ; which, as it is rather curious, we shall also 

/ 

here insert. 

The Steward’s Agents and Advisers being by facts become 
fully sensible of their incapacity to conduct the business they 
were engaged in, had determined at all events to get rid of it. 
And to effect this, they not only sent Bang out with a prepa¬ 
ration unfit for use, and altogether unequal to the service pro¬ 
posed ; but had actually designed and concerted the loss of 
Little Isle, and the command of Middlepool. And it is af¬ 
firmed, that Bang’s orders were such, that if they did not 
directly express the event desired, it might plainly be inferred 
from them. And their view in such a preposterous scheme, 
w as, that by this, with other disasters, John Bull might be con¬ 
vinced that he was in a ruinous and hopeless lawsuit; and might 
be glad to come to a composition upon any terms. And that 
Lewis Baboon might have something of Bull’s to restore as 




86 


a compensation for conceding to him his pretensions in Co¬ 
lumbia ; which, in order to compromise the suit, they had 
determined to do. And thus they might again have nothing 
to mind but the raising of contributions, and purchasing 
Terrafirmal treaties ; the highest object to which their ambi¬ 
tion aspired, or their abilities were equal. 

The event happened according as they had planned it; 
but the consequences proved very different from what they 
had proposed; for so much did Bull, and the Family, and 
every person on the Manor resent the disappointment and 
disgrace, and so certain were they that there was cowardice, 
or treachery and villany somewhere; that instead of thinking 
of compromising the cause, they resolved first to bring to con¬ 
dign punishment the authors of their disgrace, and loss, who¬ 
ever they might be ; and next to prosecute the lawsuit with 
more vigour than ever. 

The Steward’s Agents and Advisers finding this to be the 
case, and now frightened almost to death, as certain either 
they or Bang must hang for it, resolved to throw all the 
blame upon the poor Skipper, and by fixing his neck in the 
halter, to slip their own out of it. For this purpose they set 
themselves, by all possible means, to inflame and direct the 
Family rage against him. And that he might not be in a 
condition to o himself justice, or to expose them, they took 
care to keep him in close confinement on board the vessel in 
which lie had been sent home; and ordered that no person 
besides their own creatures and confidents should have access 
to him. So that Bang could neither know what was going 
on against himself on shore, nor communicate to the Bull 
Family, or his friends, what lie had to urge in his own defence, 
nor to expose the treachery of his prosecutors ; for they 
were aware, that by publishing his instructions, and the 
entire inefficient state of the watercraft put under his com¬ 
mand, he might turn the whole resentment and indignation of 


87 


the Family from himself upon them. In the mean time, in 
some degree to soothe him and keep him quiet, they assured 
him that they would take care that no serious harm should 
happen to him, it he conducted himself with discretion. In 
short, they contrived to play upon the poor Skipper a more 
desperate trick than was played by Habakkuk Slyboots upon 
the notorious Jack; who was persuaded to hang himself up 
in the confidence that Don Diego would cut him down. * 
They persuaded the simple Skipper to take care of them in 
his defence, and they would be sure to take care of him in 
the worst that should befal him. That even if sentence of 
death was passed upon him, he need not be alarmed; they 
would take care to secure his pardon. 

The poor Skipper was in wretched perplexity what to do. 
He was very sensible it was in their power to save him at all 
events. And should he resolve to expose ail their viliany he 
could not be certain of saving himself in defiance of their 
power and influence; lying bound, as he was, under their 
hands. 

He at last resolved to follow their instructions; and made 
but a weak, and as he thought, a prudent defence ; believing 
himself secure against the worst, in their promise of a par¬ 
don, which lie knew they could certainly procure. Sentence 
of death, was, accordingly passed upon him ; and all the con¬ 
cern of the Agents was now employed to keep poor Bang 
quiet, and in secure hope, till the day of execution, which 
they took care should not he a distant one. In the mean 
time they renewed the most solemn protestations of keeping 
their promise; assuring him, that lie need he under no ap¬ 
prehensions, even though lie should feel the rope about his 
neck. 

Some of the more simple and honest about the Steward’s 


* See History of John Bull’s Lawsuit. 





I 



Office, who were not let into the whole of the secret, doubted 
not but it was really intended to save the poor Skipper’s life 
at last. And one of the clerks had actually made out a 
copy of a pardon to be ready fcr the Steward to sign, and 
presented it to the Secretary; observing that it might be pro¬ 
per not to defer it too long, least the man might begin to 
squeak. The Secretary stared with astonishment at the igno¬ 
rance of his clerk, and then exclaimed, you blockhead, you 
tiumskull, you ninnyhammer ! are you in a conspiracy to hang 
us all ? If you would not have it thought so, go this instant, 
make out a warrant for his execution; and you, yourself, 
carry it to the sheriff to-morrow morning, and see it executed 
before you leave the spot. The clerk now perceived the 
whole extent of his mistake, and obeyed in silence. The 
warrant was accordingly issued, and executed next morning. 

The unfortunate Skipper was brought upon the scaffold, 
and his hopes began to misgive him. He cast his eyes anx¬ 
iously around; he saw the clerk from the Steward’s Office, 
and his heart rebounded with joy,—he had no doubt but he 
had his pardon in his pocket. The executioner, however, 
proceeded in his office, and began to ffx and adjust the exe¬ 
crable cord ; when instant conviction flashed upon the wretch¬ 
ed victim; he opened his mouth to exclaim—the fatal noose 
intercepted the words,—he dangling died ! 

Whichsoever of these accounts be nearest the truth, it is 
certain the Steward’s Counsellers had gotten their own necks 
out of the halter by fixing another’s in it. But still they 
/build themselves engaged in an undertaking that scorned 
their drivelling efforts ; and which they could neither carry 
on with success, nor get rid of without danger to themselves; 
and such disgrace to Bull and his Family as they had not 
been used to submit to. 


Chap. XII. 


Contents. —Stewardship of the Second Agvicol continued:—Sir William 
Speedwell—his distinguished character and great merit:—With much 
reluctance admitted into the Steward’s Office—becomes Major Domo 
—and soon produces a wonderful change in the face of Affairs 
Puts the Columbian cause into the hand of Solicitor Lupus—who 
soon ejects Lewis from his principal Manor in Columbia;—but 
Lupus himself falls a victim to his great exertions in the cause.— 
Lewis joined by Lord Strut—which Sir William would have pre¬ 
vented, but being opposed in opinion, resigns his place.—Death of 
Old Agricol. 

At this time there was, in the Lower Chamber of Mrs. 
Bull’s Office, a person of distinguished ability, accompanied 
with a noble, free, and independent spirit It would be diffi¬ 
cult to say, whether this person was most conspicuous for a 
lofty genius, extensive capacity, and independent spirit; or, 
for incorruptible integrity, and unbiassed tidelily and zeal for 
the interest and honour of the Bull Family; of which he 
shewed himself a genuine son. This person, whose name 
was Sir William Speedwell, was the scourge and terror of 
those base selfish drones who had got John Bull’s affairs into 
their hands; and had so long and so shamefully sacrificed the 
wealth and interests of the Family to the Steward’s Terra-, 
firmal schemes and connections, and their own interest and 
emolument. 

Besides the loss of Little Isle, the Family affairs had sus¬ 
tained innumerable disasters, injuries, and insults, under the 
ignorance and incapacity of those managers. One Bradcock 
had been sent to Columbia with a train of constables, bullies 
and bravos, thought sufficient to drive Baboon’s people off 
the Columbian Manor; but he was waylaid, and knocked on the 
head with almost the whole of his followers. And instead of 


90 


driving Lewis and the Franks out of Columbia, John Bull’s 
tenants were daily losing their own Farms, and in danger of 
being themselves driven out of the country. Some attempts 
had been made to retaliate on Lewis at home, and to make a 
forcible entry on some part of his Manor of Frankland; all 
which miserably miscarried. In short, such was the mis¬ 
management, confusion, hesitation, and indecision, with which 
every thing was conducted, that John Bull found himself not 
only exposed to contempt and disgrace, but in danger of ruin. 

The clamour and indignation of the Family and folk oil the 
Manor now exceeded all bounds; and the drivelling Agents 
found themselves no longer able to stand before it. They 
therefore resolved to admit among them the above mentioned 
Sir William, and some others, in whom they knew the Family 
had some confidence. By this step they hoped not only tofree 
themselves from the terror of John Bull's rebuke, but also to 
have the advantage of their superior abilities, and credit with 
the Family, for carrying on their own schemes : for they 
made no doubt but those persons, once admitted to partici¬ 
pate in the emoluments of office, would be glad to 
allow themselves to be led in the usual track ; and, according 
to custom, be as complaisant to the Stew^ard’s partialities 
as they themselves had been. But in this they were sadly de¬ 
ceived ; for those persons could neither be frightened nor 

flattered, threatened nor bribed, into compliance with their 

\ 

feeble tampering schemes. The old corps, therefore, repre¬ 
sented to the Steward, that their new associates were ignorant 
and obstinate, yet conceited and assuming; and even disaffect¬ 
ed to his person and interest. Sir William and his friends 
were, in consequence, instantly dismissed, as entirely unfit for 
the Steward’s service. 

The old hands now again went on in the old w'ay: the law 
proceedings were carried on, but without the least pretensions 
to judgment or ability in the managers; and all was fast tend- 


/ 


01 


# 


hg to ruin. And, what must be thought truly astonishing, is, 
that niter all AgricoFs Terrafirmal treaties and alliances, 
purchased, as we have seen, with such immense sums of John 
jouii s money; when he wanted them, he had not one friend 
who had either will, or power, to stand by him, or to be of 
any service to him. Even Madam Husky and Dowager 
South, who yearly received about a million of John Bull’s 
money to secure their friendship, the moment their assistance 
was wanted, both joined Lewis, and gave their aid to enable 
him to seize upon AgricoFs Terrafirmal possessions; which 
he actually did. Thus, not only was Bull cozened of his 
money; but both he and his Steward insulted and laughed at 
by their faithful allies, as conscious they were too widely 
separate from them to be in any danger from Bull’s resent¬ 
ment ; and AgricoFs personal possessions were too much in 
their power to keep or to return, for him to dare to resent 
their perfidy. ' 

Of all the Terrafirmal landlords, the only one Agricol 
could now procure to stand by him, was one Squire Pruss, 
a bold dashing fellow; who, from a low beginning, had risen 
to considerable importance in his neighbourhood. His Estate 
was indeed neither very extensive, nor very productive; but 
he kept more bullies and bravos constantly in pay than the 
greatest Squire in the country; and by means of these he 
contrived either to spunge, or force, a maintenance ; and was* 
prepared upon every opening that presented itself, to commit 
spoil upon his neighbours; and in every quarrel, was ready 
with his bullies to take part with whoever was able and will¬ 
ing to pay him best. i his was just the man for Agricol; at 
least Agricol was just the man for him; for as he paid him 
out of another’s pocket, he cared not at what price he pur¬ 
chased his assistance. Besides, as a further security for his 
not deserting them, this fellow having by his knavery, inso¬ 
lence, and rapacity, got almost the whole country against him, 











92 


stood still more in want of Agricol’s support than Agricol 
did of his. As to John Bull and the Albanion Manors, they 
had no connection nor common interest with him; nor 
indeed with the object for which he was engaged; which 
wholly concerned Agricol’s Terrafirmal Estate. As Pruss 
lay near to that Estate, Agricol thought, that by enabling him 
to keep up his bullies and bravos, he might find employment 
for the lawyer’s bailiffs and banditti of Baboon and the 
neighbours, and in some degree divert them from his Hando¬ 
ver Farm. For this purpose he engaged John Bull to pay him 
immediately in hand for himself <£670,000, and for as many 
banditti and bravos as he could hire, or raise in the neighbour¬ 
hood, <£200,000 more. 

Thus the Steward and his Abettors went on blundering 
from folly to folly; every design ending in defeat, contempt, 
and disgrace, till the whole Bull Family, every inhabitant on 
the Manor, was now aroused both to indignation and alarm; 
they saw those who had got their affairs into their hands drag¬ 
ging them to evident destruction, lavishing their substance 
with boundless extravagance upon objects in which they had 
no concern; persisting in a ruinous undertaking without either 
counsel, conduct, or capacity; yet obstinately determined to 
exclude from their Councils every person who might be capa¬ 
ble of assisting them with better advice. But the resentment 
and clamour of the Bull Family could now no longer be 
suppressed, or kept from reaching the Steward’s ears. And 
it was resolved by the Family directly to require, and demand 
of him to change his counsellors, and to admit Sir William 
Speedwell and his friends again to their places in the Steward’s 
Office. And the Steward was too well acquainted with the 
determined and impetuous character of the Bull Family, when 
once aroused, or provoked, to oppose their will under such 
circumstances. 

Sir William and some of his party were accordingly ad- 


\ 


i 


mitted into the office, and the others seemed willing to coalesce 
cordially with them, rather than quit their places; hut 
still there stuck a secret grudge in their hearts; and they 
could not, without jealousy and envy, see an underta¬ 
king prosper in other hands, which had so miserably mis¬ 
carried in their own. Nor could they forbear, by underhand 
practices, to endeavour to thwart even the measures they were 
engaged to carry on. Nor was it possible for the new Agents 
at once to get rid of all the tools and instruments, which the 
old ones had introduced into every interior department and 
employment; and who were now, neither capable, nor in¬ 
clined, to conduct business successfully. It is not therefore 
to be wondered at, that all the advantages of this change of 
Agents did not immediately appear. However, the Family 
had full confidence in their own choice, and Sir William was 
fast acquiring that ascendancy to which his superior character 
and capacity entitled him; and a great alteration for the bet¬ 
ter began soon to shew itself in every quarter. This is per¬ 
haps the only instance in John Bull’s affairs in which the 
voice and sentiments of the Family have been able entirely to 
prevail against the narrow, selfish, perverted counsels of the 
Steward’s Office. And the happy effect is no less singular 
and conspicuous, than the cause. 

Sir William was now become Major Domo and chief con¬ 
ductor of all business, especially of the great concerns of the 
lawsuit: and such a change took place in the face of affairs 
as had perhaps never been seen in so short a time in such ex¬ 
tensive concerns. Formerly, every design was frustrated, 
every attempt miscarried ; in every quarter there was nothing 
to be seen but defeat, disgrace, and shame. If issue was 
joined on any point, the verdict was sure to be against John 
Bull; in every trial at bar, he was either cast, or nonsuited; 
if a new trial to shew cause, was demanded, and granted, the 
issue was the same or worse than the first. \et John Bull 
in general had good lawyers : but lawyers must follow their 





briefs; and when briefs are ignorantly, or unintelligibly drawn 
up, what can be expected from the ablest lawyers ? Sir Wil¬ 
liam now employed lawyers on whom he could depend equally 
for capacity, fidelity, and diligence. He himself drew up 
their briefs, and took care that they should be both clear, and 
decisive. And they were made to understand that they were 
expected to adhere to their briefs. The consequence was, a 
series of events directly the reverse of what we have stated 
above. In every trial, Lewis and his lawyers were now cast; 
in every point on which issue was joined, John Bull had now 
a verdict in his favour. In short, Lewis was soon reduced to 
the very last extremity ; and the Bull Family, under the w ise 
and vigorous conduct of Sir William, were raised to a point 
of power and distinction beyond what they had ever before 
reached.—But to give a few r particulars of this successful 
turn of affairs. 

The first ground and subject of this quarrel, as we have 
said, lay in the country of Cplumbia, where Lewis Baboon 
had been endeavouring to oust John Bull of his Farms. Since 
the commencement of the quarrel, there had been brawling 
and bickering in that quarter both without doors and w ithin, 
and many broken heads and bloody noses had'been received 
on both sides; in which, the Bull party generally had the 
worst of it. But Sir William resolved no longer to tamper, 
or trifle with partial points; he determined to turn Baboon’s 
ill-designs upon himself, by ejecting him from the whole of 
his Columbian |p ossessions: which he soon did most effec¬ 
tually. Having made every necessary preparation for this 
trial, he put the cause into the hands of Solicitor Lupus, a 
lawyer of a tried and trusty character; who he knew would 
content himself w'ith nothing short of bringing the matter to 
a speedy and successful issue. 

This action, for the whole Estate or Manor of Canadia in 
the country of Columbia, was finally brought to issue at the 


95 


assizes at Quebex; and after a well disputed trial, Bull had 
a decisive verdict in his favour ; and the consequence was the 
ejectment of Baboon from all his possessions on the Colum¬ 
bian Terrafirm. Thus the very event happened to himself, 
„ by fai 1 * trial, which he had, by cunning and chicanery, intend¬ 
ed against his neighbour Bull. 

But it must not be here passed over in silence, that the 
zealous and truly worthy Solicitor Lupus fell a sacrifice to 
his great exertions in this cause ; he just lived to hear that a 
decisive verdict was found on his side; and he died exulting 
in the success of his labours. 

r l his was a sad and mortifying reverse to poor Baboon, for 
which his chief attorney, by letters still extant, and found 
truly prophetic, endeavoured to console him; assuring him 
that however much Bull might at present congratulate him- 
selt on the favourable verdict he had obtained, he would find 
it in the event a fatal one,—and that he had caught a tartar. 
For that John Bull’s tenants and holders on the Columbian 
Manor; who retained an abundant portion of the free and 
independent spirit of the Family, having now nothing to fear 
from their neighbours; would not long submit to the distant 
authority of John Bull’s Steward, and his pretensions to dis¬ 
pose of them and their affairs at his will: but setting up for 
themselves would soon, discarding all controul of the Bull 
Family, claim the lands and estate as their own right and 
property. This conjecture, which might be thought not im¬ 
probable to happen in the course of ages, the event has con¬ 
verted into an important prophecy; the fulfilment of which 
the folly and ignorance of John Bull’s Stewards, Agents, and 
Advisers have accelerated beyond what the most sanguine 
hopes of Lewis, or his friends, could possibly suggest. 

This important trial at bar with its consequences, entirely 
decided the object about which this lawsuit began ; and put 
the Bull Family in full and quiet possession both of their 







96 


own and of the Frankland portion of the Columbian Manor. 
-And well had it been for both sides had it decided 
the quarrel, and closed the contest. Ilad John Bull, his 
Steward, and their Advisers had judgment and moderation 
to have restrained their avarice and ambition within the 
bounds of a reasonable manorial superiority, this might have 
proved the most important and advantageous acquisition that 
the Bull Family had ever obtained; perhaps the most impor¬ 
tant that ever was obtained by a lawsuit. It might indeed 
eventually have made the Bullcaledon Family arbiters of the 
whole of Terracognita. But both John and his Steward 
were too much intent on humbling Lewis Baboon and his 
Franks, to think of stopping short and making the most of 
what they had got. Their confidence in their own prowess 
under the conduct of Sir William, who was not without his 
share of that ambition incident to a great mind,* was now 
unbounded ; and in fact, there seemed no end to their success 
and triumphs. Besides the Canadian Estate, Lewis had 
lying in the waters bordering on the Columbian regions, 
several mansions, parks, and pendicles, of considerable value 
and importance; of all which, Bull seized the possession 
one after another. 

Poor Baboon was now on the brink of ruin; his fortune 
being exhausted by the expence of the lawsuit: and every 
thing still going against him, he found it necessary to solicit 
the assistance of his kinsman and neighbour, Lord Strut. 
Strut, no doubt, looked upon the success of Bull, particularly 
in Columbia, with a jealous eye ; but he was cautious of 
quarrelling with him ; especially on account of his great su¬ 
periority to all his neighbours in water warfare. 

I he Columbian regions had been first discovered under 
the auspices of Lord Strut, and hitherto he had held more 
extensive and valuable possessions upon them than any of 
the neighbouring landlords; and from these possessions he 


97 


yearly brought home immense treasures over the Great 
Waters; and hence, much exposed to tSie interruption of 
John Bull’ s watercraft. At this very time, when Lewis ap¬ 
plied for his assistance, he expected the arrival of a very 
large treasure; he, therefore, though determined to join 
Lewis, excused himself from taking any open part, or even 
declaring himself, till this treasure should have arrived; and 
to Bull he stedfastly disclaimed all intention of joining Lewis. 

But Sir William Speedwell, now in full credit, as 
Major Domo, had too good intelligence of all that passed in 
the neighbourhood, to be thus deceived. The whole consul¬ 
tation and agreement between Baboon and Strut were per¬ 
fectly known to him ; and he determined to anticipate their 
design, by intercepting, in way of prevention, those very 
treasures on which they depended for carrying on jointly 
their law proceedings against him ; which, had it been done, 
would probably have prevented Strut from ever declaring 
himself, or engaging openly in the quarrel. But in this de¬ 
sign Sir William was opposed by his still jealous, weak, and 
pusilanimous associates; and in a general consultation of the 
Steward’s Advisers, the point was carried against him. Upon 
this Sir William resigned his place. Lord Strut’s treasures 
arrived safe in his coffers, and he immediately joined Lewis 
with all his heart and means. 

Just at this time old Agricol, the .Steward, happened to 
die suddenly, and was succeeded by his grandson, also named 
Agricol, a hopeful youth just come of age. The two last 
Stewards, both of whose Stewardships had been of great 
length, had been born and educated in a foreign country, 
were strangers to the manners of the people and customs of 
the Manor; and neither of them had ever perfectly acquired 
even the language of the Family, whose affairs they were to 
conduct. With the present heir the case was quite otherwise. 
He had been born and educated among them; his manners 

VOL. It. 


it 


08 


and character were formed to theirs; and he had been in¬ 
structed in, and habituated to, the laws and customs of the 
Manor; and great expectations were formed concerning him. 

Hitherto John Bull’s affairs and interests had engaged but 
a very subordinate portion of the Steward’s attention; their 
Terrafirmal connections were by far the principal objects of 
their concern and care. In the Bull affairs their attention 
had amounted to little more than giving countenance to the 
proceedings of their Agents, and the routine of the office, 
and lending their name and sanction to the boundless and 
incessant contributions which were now exacted from the 
Family and folk on the Manor. Not but that the Stewards 
had business in which they engaged with sufficient interest in 
adjusting their Terratirmal connections and purchasing those 
expensive and perfidious alliances, in which they always impli¬ 
cated John Bull, to the ruin of his affairs, by lavishing upon these, 
with incredible profusion, the wealth and resources of his Family. 
Indeed, to such unconscionable extravagance was this carried, 
that several of those connections received each of them pen¬ 
sions from John Bull’s Estate, amounting to more than the 
whole business of the Manor and Stewardship had used 
to cost before the accession of this Family. Particularly that 
Squire Hasseman, whom we have so often had occasion to 
mention, a little poor pitiful sharking fellow,—who had mar¬ 
ried the late Steward’s daughter Moll,—had constantly, under 
some pretence or other, a lavish yearly pension paid him. If 
John Bull was in any quarrel or dispute with his neighbours, 
then Hasseman was to find a certain number of bailiffs, 
bravos, and bullies, to be at his call; if John was in quiet, 
and peace with all his neighbours, still the Steward’s Farm 
was to be protected, and he was to receive lfis money, that 
his vassals might be kept up to be always ready ; the whole 
of whom he was accustomed to hire out, sell, or dispose of 
in this way, to whoever chose to pay for them; receiving a 
certain sum for every one whose bones were broken, or brains 


99 


t 

beat out in those brawls; of course, the fewer returned the 
better. 

Yet this fellow, when he saw that Lewis was like to carry 
every thing before him on Terrafirm, and had made an entry 
both on Agricol’s Farm of Handover and his own demesne of 
Hasse-castle adjoining to it; though he had received more of 
Bull’s money than the fee simple of his Farm was worth— 
not only immediately abandoned Agricol and the Bull inte¬ 
rest, as far as Bull had any interest on Terrafirm, but turned 
Peterkin, and importunately solicited to be admitted into 
friendship and alliance with Lewis against his father-in-law 
Agricol, and all the objects of John Bull’s interference in 
Terrafirmal affairs. This was indeed the constant practice 
of all Agricol’s Terrafirmal connections. So long as no risk 
was run, and nothing was required of them but to receive 
John Bull’s money, and make fair pretences; it was im¬ 
possible to be more complaisant and civil, or more prompt in 
their part than they were. But whenever any thing was ex¬ 
pected to be done for their money, they begged to be excused : 
they lay too much exposed to Lewis’ insults and encroach¬ 
ment to provoke him; John Bull lay too far from them to 
protect them ; or for them either to risk any thing for him, or 
to fear any thing from him. Nor in such sort of persons, is 
this either so much to be blamed, or so much to be wondered 
at, as the selfish partiality of Agricol, and the simple, not to 
say sottish, folly of Bull, in allowing his money to be thus 
lavished upon people, who neither could be of any service to 
him, nor cared any thing about him or his affairs. 

The only associate that Agricol could now preserve of all 
his Terrafirmal connections ; or rather, the only one who 
in his time of need did not actually take part against him, was, 
as we have said, Squire Pruss, a turbulent ambitious domi¬ 
neering fellow,—who had excited the jealousy and resentment 
of all his neighbours ; whom therefore they had conspired to 

H 2 




100 


dispossess and drive out of the country. Thus being univer¬ 
sally hated, or dreaded, he had no resource but in perseverance 
and the vigour of his own character: for it must be allowed 
that he was, to speak in the language of the humourist— a A 
damn'd clever fellow!” This person, though he could be of 
no service to John Bull, nor even to Agricol; for he had 
already lost all his Terrafirmal possessions, was very willing 
to serve himself by receiving their money, and whatever more 
assistance of lawyers, bailiffs, or bravos, they were pleased to 
send him. Of Bull’s money, according to custom, Agricol 
was abundantly lavish, which enabled Pruss to keep in pay 
all his idle bravos and bullies in the country; of which it 
must be allow ed he made dexterous and vigorous use in his 
ow n behalf, and in a great measure recovered his own affairs. 
But these are matters in which the Bull Family, however 
much implicated, had no real interest. Let us now resume 
the immediate concerns of the Family. 


BOOK IX. 


Chap. I. 

Contents. —The Stewardship of the Third Agricol.—The successful and 
flourishing state of the Bull Affairs at the Accession of Young Agri¬ 
col.—Lewis and Strut both stripped of their Columbian Possessions, 
—are glad to come to a compromise highly honourable and advan¬ 
tageous for John Bull.—The hopeful dawn of Young Agricol’s Stew¬ 
ardship soon begins to be overcast—it is said, by means of a system 
of Cabal and Favouritism.—Starts up one Quilks, a bold crafty sati¬ 
rical knave :—becomes a great favourite with the multitude, and a 
most gaHing thorn in the side of the Cabal.—Sir William once more 
admitted into the Steward’s Office—but unable to hold his ground, 
is 30011 obliged to quit:—Revenges himself of the party by the cele¬ 
brated Letters of Juvinis. 

We have already mentioned the decease of Old Agricol, 
and the succession of his Grandson, of the same name, to the 
Stewardship. We also took notice, that about the time of 
his death, Lord Strut joined Lewis Baboon against John 
Bull ; and, that Sir William Speedwell, indignant at his plan 
for preventing Strut being overruled, had resigned his place, 
and retired from the Steward’s Office and Counsels. But as 
Sir William’s plan was to anticipate Strut in his design, he 
had made full preparation for it. So that those he left in 
office, when they found that Strut had actually joined 
Baboon, had nothing to do but to make use of the prepara- 










tion and plans Sir William had digested for them. And 
these were found so complete, so well arranged, and in the 
hands of such able and diligent Solicitors, that the point at 
issue with Lord Strut was soon settled; and the Manorial 
right of a great part of his Columbian possessions, by a deci¬ 
sive verdict, transferred to John Bull; and by this and the 
other ex peaces and waste of the lawsuit, both Strut and 
Baboon were nearly ruined. 

John Bull had now completely obtained the object for 
which he entered into the lawsuit, the security.of his Colum- 

j 

bian possessions; and indeed many and great advantages 
which he had never before thought of. And all parties, 
being now pretty well tired of law, on account ol the great 
expences with which law proceedings are carried on, were 
cordially disposed to put an end to the quarrel; and to come 
to some compromise concerning all points in dispute between 
the parties. And though the Bull Family certainly derived 
great and important advantages from the compromise, yet 
both Baboon and Strut obtained better conditions than, per¬ 
haps, either in prudence, or justice, they were entitled to. 

In no period of the Bull History had the Family arrived 
at such a point of power, wealth, and distinction, as that to 
which we have now brought it; and all this the sole effect of 
one clear, vigorous, and capacious mind. The whole time 
of Sir William’s conducting the lawsuit, and the principal 
business of the Stewardship had been distinguished by a series 
of important issues in their favour : and though by the com¬ 
promise, many parks, paddocks, old castles, and favourite 
country seats were restored both to Lewis and Strut; yet, 
besides recovering every thing that he had lost at the begin¬ 
ning of the quarrel, as also AgricoPs Terrafirmal Estates,—- 
John retained the whole of Lewis’ Columbian possessions; 
a few insulated pendicles excepted : which, with the Manors 
of East and West Flowery-field, obtained from Lord Strut, 


103 

made him sole possessor of the whole Northern division of 
Terrafirmal Columbia: making in all a Manor, or Estate, 
exceeding the possessions held by any proprietor: and 
which, had it not been for the blind ignorance, and insatiable 
avarice, of the Steward’s Agents and Advisers, might have 
enabled the Bull Family to be Arbiter of the whole country 
round. But of the loss of this important possession, with its 
disastrous consequences, we shall too soon have occasion to 
speak. 

Perhaps there is not, in the course of Manorial or Family 
Records, an instance of so sudden, and solid a rise to power, 
importance, and distinction, as this we have now mentioned 
of the Bull Family, and Manor of Great Albion ; and that 
by the sole operation of one upright, unbiassed, uncorrupted 
mind ; pursuing steadily the real interest of those for whom 
he acted. And its fall to its present deplorable, and almost 
desperate condition, without any disastrous incident, or any 
attack from without; but by the mere operation of the per¬ 
verted principles of the Steward’s Office, supported by the 
influence of that infamous Commerce of Prostitution carried 
on between the Steward’s Office and Mrs. Bull's Houshold, 
is perhaps as unprecedented. This prostitution is a crime, 
which, as it is no less accursed and far more pernicious than 
his, who hud stolen and dissembled , and thereby brought a 
curse and slaughter upon his people ; it were but just, in 
behalf of the Bull Family, that every one concerned in it 
were adjudged to, and visited with, the same punishment— 
and that all the people should stone them with stones, and 
burn them with fire: which were but an inadequate visita¬ 
tion for the thousands of the generous inhabitants of Albion, 
who have fallen sacrifices to that accursed principle and 
practice. 

The great lawsuit in which almost every Estate and Family 
in the country had been more or less concerned being settled, 


104 


and all lesser quarrels composed, nothing but peace and good 
neighbourhood prevailed through the whole country round :— 
under such happy auspices, in the prime of youth, commenced 
the Stewardship of Young Agricol. Nothing could exceed 
the satisfaction and gratulation of the Bull Family on his ac¬ 
cession. r i heir partiality for his person and character were 
boundless; and proportionably high were the expectations 
formed of prosperity and happiness under his Stewardship. 
The former Stewards of his Family were in a manner aliens ; 
born and educated in a foreign land; strangers to the persons, 
the manners, and the language of the people whose affairs 
they were to manage. This had been born and educated 
among them ; habituated to the customs and constitution of 
the Manor, and the open and free character of the Family: 
his person and figure were manly and advantageous; his car¬ 
riage and disposition, as far as they could yet be known, were 
affable and engaging; his youth was prepossessing; and en¬ 
couraged the fond hopes of a long and prosperous Stewardship. 

in the first of these, at least, the duration of the Steward¬ 
ship, the hopes conceived have not been disappointed; this 
having already been fcke longest Stewardship on the records of 
the Manor. But, whether from fault, from fate, cr from 
whatever cause, most of the other prepossessions formed 
have been miserably disappointed. 

Scarce had the day commenced, when this hopeful dawn 
began to be overcast. Vv hen Sir W illiam resigned his place, 
among those who came into trust, and gamed great ascendancy 
in the Steward s Office, was one Don Buteus, or the 1 bane ; 
who having had sonic share in Young Agricol’s education, 
still retained great favour and influence with him. This man 
was of brother Sandy’s Family, and a native of the Caledo¬ 
nian Manor; and though the two Families and Manors had 
been so long united, there still subsisted partialities and 
jealousies between them. r ihe Thane was somewhat lofty 


105 


and reserved in his manner, which did not suit with the free 
and open character of the Bull Family ; and his carriage 
gave great umbrage and offence to many distinguished persons, 
who were by their stations necessarily engaged about the 
Steward’s person and office. It is even said, that he, with a 
few others, in the confidence of the Young Steward, had 
formed a scheme to make the Steward and his personal 
favourites and confidents absolute arbiters over all persons 
and things in the Steward’s Office, and in the whole business 
of the Stewardship and Manor,—and to reduce all other 
Agents and Office-bearers whatsoever, to the rank and subjec¬ 
tion of mere menial servants, to a condition something below 
that of “ Eat your Pudding, Sir, and hold your tongue for 
besides eating their pudding, they were to obey orders, 
and hold their tongues. Mettre fe Jloi hors de page, was 
the maxim of the Cabal. This was not the way in which 
the business of the Albion Stewardship had used to be con¬ 
ducted. Some of the most distinguished of the Bull Family; 
who, except in the higher official station held by him, and the 
greater extent of authority intrusted to him, scarce thought 
themselves in honour and character inferior to the Steward 
himself, were generally associated with him in the business of 
the office; and as more intimately interested in the affairs of 
their paternal Family, had often the principal direction of 
them, and were reckoned chiefly accountable for them. 

According to the new sc heme, the Steward and his intimates 
were to be considered as quite apart from, and standing on 
higher ground, than the acting and efficient departments of 
the office ; to which, it was held, the Steward might appoint 
if he pleased, his footman or his groom, his barber or his 
tailor; the only qualifications absolutely necessary were, tracta- 
bility, and implicit obedience. The fundamental maxim 
among the Steward’s confidents was, that all the concern, 
which either those efficient Agents, or the Bull Family in 




106 , 

general, had with the Steward’s Office or authority, was, to 
receive orders and obey, to present themselves ready and 
tractable instruments. 

It may seem strange, that after the not only unsuccessful, 
but disastrous attempts of the old race of Stewards, the 
same preposterous and absurd principle of setting the Steward 
above his Lord, should still be persisted in on the Manor of 
Great Albion ; especially by a Family that were preferred to 
the direct line of descent, and came to the office by mere parti¬ 
ality to their character and principles. This shews the continually 
encroaching and assuming spirit of Stewardism, and the ne¬ 
cessity there is of keeping a constant watch over it, and 
check upon it. Not but there were circumstances at this 
time more favourable to the design than in any former period ; 
or rather there was one circumstance which might alone be 
depended on to accomplish this, or any other attempt however 
pernicious. I mean that entire command of Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, which the Steward now obtained by means of the 
notorious Commerce of Prostitution and adultery between the 
Steward’s Office and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold ; now almost 
reduced to a system ; and which it was part of the present 
plan to complete and establish. It was by the vigilance, 
wisdom, and spirit of this Houshold Office, that every former 
attempt of this kind had been frustrated; but now this, in 
the hands of the Steward’s Agents, was become the very in¬ 
strument on which they depended for accomplishing their 
purpose ; or any thing else which they choose to take in 
hand. 

But still the favorites did not find it quite so easy a matter 
as they had hoped, to complete their scheme. It was essen¬ 
tial to their plan to employ the most subservient, parasitical, 
pimp-like characters that could be found. But not only 
many high spirits of the Bull Family, who had business and 
connection with the Steward’s Office, spurned at the subjec- 


107 


lion expected, but the Family in general could not forbear 
discovering a considerable degree of indignation and con¬ 
tempt for such a Cabal; and the supposed head of the party 
and author of the project, being a Caledonian, rendered the 
whole still more invidious. But the obstinate perseverance 
with which this system has been persisted in, in defiance of 
opposition, disappointment, defeat, disgrace, and disaster, 
makes it probable that it has its root in the natural spirit and 
genius of the Stewardical Office and Stewardical character; 
and that the Thane was but an accidental coadjutor to the 
Junto; which, indeed, he soon quitted entirely. Certain it 
is, that through all the changes that have taken place during 
this long Stewardship, no one who could not accommodate 
himself to this order of things, has been able to keep any 
footing in the office. And the system seems now fully esta¬ 
blished; all opposition being tired out, and all repugnance 
resigned; or else, the virtue and spirit of the Bull and 
Caledonian Families are exhausted, and come to an end. 

About this time, envy of the supposed credit and influence 
of the Caledonian Thane, and contempt for his drivelling 
associates, excited particularly the art and malice of one 
Jack Quilks, or Squire Quilky, a prompt, confident, daring 
fellow; who with sarcastic wit, and a constant sardonic 
sneer, most provokingly ridiculed the Thane, and the whole 
Agents and economy of the Steward’s Office. This fellow had 
certainly more wit and capacity, and perhaps as much principle 
and honesty, as all the Steward’s Agents and Confidents put to¬ 
gether. And it is astonishing how the crafty knave, by his wit, 
aided by the want of either wot or wisdom in Ins antagonists, 
took with the Buil Family. His name became the watch 
word or rallying point to an almost universal combination of 
sentiment, in contempt of the Cabal; nor did.the Steward 
himself escape some provoking jests, though in an oblique way. 

Thus, in spite of all the advantages with which \oung 



108 


Agricol assumed his station, his ill-chosen silly concerted Advi¬ 
sers, by their blind perverted policy, had already rendered his 
Stewardship the most contemptible and obnoxious to the 
folk in general on the Manor, of any since the time of the 
second Dick ; who, with his Advisers, fell the victims of 
their own folly. Agricol’s Advisers found themselves safe in 
the change of times, and the more humanized manners of 
the Family. And what perhaps helped both to encourage 
their folly, and secure their impunity, was, that the folk on 
the Caledonian Manor dissented from the general sentiment 
of contempt and indignation. For though Quilky’s attack 
and satire were principally directed against the Thane, yet, he 
had, consulting his malice more than his judgment, implicated 
the whole Caledonian race in his lampoons and pasquinades; 
and their resentment formed some ballance in favour of the 
Steward’s party. The Thane indeed, had wisely retired, and 
given way to the storm ; but the system persisted in was still 
ascribed to his principles ; and it was still thought tit to con¬ 
sider him as the head of the party, and from behind the 
curtain moving the other puppets at his will. Besides, the 
now established intercourse of prostitution and aoultery be¬ 
tween the Steward’s Office and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, se¬ 
cured that entirely in the Steward’s interest. And as that 
Houshold Office had virtually the disposal of the Family, and 
every thing belonging to it; all the wealth and property on 
the Manor,—that alone was sufficient to enable the Steward’s 
Junto to set at nought the Family, and to hold in contempt 
and defiance all its resentment and indignation, whether well 
or ill founded. 

But as this situation of affairs in the Steward’s Office was 
directly contrary to the custom of the Manor, and to the fun¬ 
damental principles upon which the Stewardship had been 
conferred, was held, and expected to be exercised, it could 
not but be attended with some inconveniency, and excite 


109 


some apprehensions even to the Junto itself. Hence, there was 
much chaffering, and changing of die subordinates of the office, 
to try to conciliate the Family without changing the system. 
It was especially endeavoured to get Sir William Speedwell, 
the favourite ot the folk, once more to take a part in the busi¬ 
ness of the office. Nothing could be more discordant than 
the principles and views of Sir William and those of the 
Junto ; or, as they affected to call themselves, the Steward’s 
friends. Sir William, a genuine son of John Bull, and con¬ 
scious of his own worth, and the dignity of the Bull Family, 
was determined to support and maintain the rights and privile¬ 
ges of that Family. The Junto consisted of persons conscious 
of no dignity or worth in themselves; and as they derived all 
their importance from the power and influence of the Steward, 
they were naturally disposed to carry that power and influence 
to the greatest height, and absolutely to subject to it the 
Family, the Manor, and all the wealth, honour, power, and 
importance belonging to both. Yet, notwithstanding this op¬ 
position of principles, Sir William was once more admitted 
into the Steward’s counsels. 

Though the principles and spirit of Sir W illiam could 
never accommodate themselves to the views of his associates, 
yet conscious of his own superiority, and knowing how 7 sensi¬ 
ble they were of their need of him, to preserve them from 
entire contempt, he probably thought they would be content 
to move by his impulse, and shine in his light. And thus, as 
formerly, though with some interruption and incumbrance, he 
might have been able to promote the honour and interest of 
the Bull Family. But he soon found he had reckoned with¬ 
out his host. For though he was ostentively to be considered 
as the supreme director in the Steward’s counsels, he found 
himself obliged to admit others of so many different and 
jarring parties and principles, that they could no more 
coalesce than the iron aud clay in the royal image; nor could 



no 


a machine constructed with so many jarring and ill combined 

* 

movements, possibly act for any uniform or consistent pur¬ 
pose. Of course, Sir William found himself obliged either 
to act a part which lie despised, to countenance and support 
measures directly contrary to his own views and principles, or 
to quit his new associates ; nor was he long in fixing his 
choice. 

Sir William soon renounced his connections; nor did he 
fail to discover his resentment and indignation at the attempt 
to sanction such views and designs as they entertained from his 
countenance and support; and to make him the tool of such 
drivellers. And beside his open and avowed contempt and 
resentment, he revenged himself on the whole party in a 
Series of Letters, under the fictitious name of Juvinis; written 
with such force of thought, such vigour of style, such energy 
of argument, such keen and galling satire, that nothing in the 
language of the Manor is to be found to equal them. And 
as he neither forbore names nor facts, both of which were too 
notorious and well known, it was impossible either to elude, 
or repel the attack. Indeed, those who were the direct objects 
of his satire; among whom, the Steward himself was not 
spared, were so sensible how fairly they stood exposed to all 
the shafts of the enemy, and how much they were over¬ 
matched at such weapons, that they durst not attempt to 
repel them either by argument or ridicule. They chose, 
therefore, to endeavour to shield themselves under the cus¬ 
tom of the Manor; which affects to ascribe something sa¬ 
cred to the person and character of the Steward. And 
though the letters were written in a fictitious name, the pub¬ 
lisher, at least was known ; and as he either did not know 
the real author, or was too faithful to betray him, he himself 
was punished severely ; particularly for a letter addressed ex¬ 
pressly to the Steward. 

It is true, these letters have never been avowed by their 


in 


author ; and though they are still universally read and admired, 
it is even at this day affected to make a mystery of the 
writer. But whoever reads them with judgment, and attends 
to the facts and characters of the times as drawn in them, can 
find no difficulty in determining the author : the letter to the 
Steward alone might decide the point. Yet, perhaps, that 
very letter is the cause that the writer is not, and will not in 
the piesent generation be avowedly known. As, besides, the 
unpardonable plainness and severity of the letter, which is 
such as no man would dare to avow; even the reputed 
author of such a letter could never after pretend to approach 
the office, or be admitted to the counsels of the Steward. 
But Sir William, sufficiently conscious of his own merits, 
confident of the deserved partiality of the Bull Family, and 
not void of ambition —optimus quisque maxime gloria ducitur 
—still hoped that he might have an opportunity of effectually 
serving that Family, and advancing the interest and honour 
both of the Steward and of the people on the Manor. And 
though his much lamented death has prevented this, yet his 
Family being still candidates, and not unsuccessful ones as 
we shall see, for place and appointment in the Steward’s de¬ 
partment, this has still occasioned an affected mystery to be 
thrown over the origin of these celebrated letters. But all 
arts, affectation, and pretences apart, those letters certainly 
originated from the genius and pen of Sir William SpeedwelL 
The Thane had now retired from the Junto.—Sir William, 
indignant at the part proposed to be put upon him, had dis¬ 
engaged himself from his asssociates with contempt, and re¬ 
venged himself by the above celebrated letters. And now 
the remnant of the Steward’s Office like a ragged ensign on 
an old flag staff; or like a tattered skeleton upon a gibbet, 
was become an object of universal detestation and disgust, 
except to the vultures that fed upon it. But by means of 
that Commerce of Prostitution between the Stewards Office 


112 


and Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, now become the primum mobile 
of the Stewardship ; and by the art now reduced into a 
system of filling that Houshold with their own base and pros¬ 
titute creatures, independent of ihe sentiment and choice of 
the folk on the Manor, they were sure of the support of 
that Houshold Office ; and hence, gave themselves little fur¬ 
ther concern ; holding the Family in as much disregard and de¬ 
fiance, as the Family held them in scorn and contempt. Par¬ 
ticularly the malignant Wag Quilky made them the constant 
butt of his wit and ridicule : or, as their ignorance and re¬ 
sentment often hurried them on to violate all measures of 
justice and prudence, as well as all the laws of the Manor, 
to be revenged, he would call those laws to his assistance, and 
make them pay thousands of pounds for their ignorance and 
folly. But that was nothing to them; they paid all out of 
John Bull’s pocket. 

But the Bull Family still stood by Quilky; and that, 
perhaps, more from contempt and opposition to his wretched 
and perverse persecutors, than from any opinion of his own 
merits or immaculate character; and as he was as much an 

* i 

overmatch for his opponents in capacity and wit, as they were 
for him in power and influence, the quarrel by degrees subsi¬ 
ded, Quilky was allowed quietly to resume his place in Mrs. 
Bull’s Office, from which they had procured his expulsion, 
and the Steward’s Junto went on blundering in their usual 
course, till their ignorance and avarice drew them into an 
awlul and important crisis; of which the consequences are 
yet but partly evolved. 


/ 


113 


Chap. II. 


Contents. —The Stewardship of the Third Agricol continued.—The 
Causes and Commencement of the Great Columbian Lawsuit.—Laws 
affecting them made,—opposed,—repealed.-—At last, one sweeping 
Law enacted, declaring the indisputable Right and Power of the 
Albion Steward and Paluverium to bind , controul , and dispose of the 
Columbians and all their concerns , in all cases whatsoever. —The style 
and operation of such a Law soon brings matters to a crisis.—An 
open Quarrel and Lawsuit takes place;—its Progress. 


Since the successful termination of the Great Lawsuit 
with Baboon and Strut, the Bull Family had lived in peace 
and quiet with all their neighbours. And as to the silly blun¬ 
ders and brawls of the Steward’s Office, incited by the wit 
and satire of Quilky, they were more apt to amuse themselves 
by turning them into derision and ridicule, than to give them¬ 
selves any serious concern about them; especially, as the 
quiet and undisturbed state of the Manor deprived the Stew¬ 
ard’s Agents of all pretence to increase their burdens, or to 
levy additional contributions upon them. 

But though the tranquil state of the Manor of Great 
Albion cut off from the Steward’s Agents every pretence to 
lay fresh burdens on the Family ; yet, the propensity to drain 
and draw every thing to themselves, was become in them so 
habitual and insatiable, that they could no more resist it than 
the leech its propensity to suck blood, though it may die in 
disgorging it again. In search of objects to indulge this irre¬ 
sistible impulse, they turned their eyes to the immense Manor 
of Columbia. The folk on this Manor, since they had been 
freed from the troublesome neighbourhood of Lewis Baboon, 
were become the most prosperous and thriving people in the 
world. Indeed, the records of no country, nor even the 
Fables of the Poets, present any thing equal to the plentiful, 
VOL. it. 


i 


I 


114 

social, free, and happy state in which they lived. r Iheir 
lands fresh and unexhausted, and almost of boundless extent, 
supplied them in abundance with every thing necessary, not 
only for use, hut for comfort and indulgence. At the same 
time they were happily strangers to that excess of luxury and 
affected refinement, which in the parent Manor has placed 
nearly one half of the inhabitants above, and the other below 
all the natural uses, ends, and enjoyments of life. 

This prosperous and thriving state of the Columbian Manor 
was too tempting a bait for the voracious sharks of the Steward’s 
Office. To these flourishing and happy regions, then, in an evil 
hour, Agricol and his Agents turned their eyes and their 
thoughts. Here they imagined they could indulge their insa¬ 
tiable propensity—the sceleratus amor habendi —without the 
restraint of ancient law or custom, by which they were so in¬ 
conveniently fettered on the Albion Manor. Here they 
might provide for their cast off prostitutes ; here they might 
station and get rid of their importunate minions, whom all 
their profusion of places and appointments could not suffi¬ 
ciently provide for, nor satisfy at home. 

The great Manor of Columbia was divided into a number 
of separate Manors or Bailiwicks, all held dependent on the 
Bull Family, and under the charge of the High Steward of 
the Manor of Great Albion; to whom, in behalf of John 
Bull, they paid their quitrents, and acknowledged fealty. 
And as they had received the assistance of the Bull Family, from 
whom they were descended, in protecting their infancy, they rea¬ 
dily permitted the Steward to appoint a bailiff, or substitute, 
to exercise his authority, and maintain the manorial rights in 
every separate Bailiwick. They had also, in imitation of Mrs. 
Bull’s Houshold Office, in each Bailiwick an Office or Palave- 
rium of their own, chosen by themselves; and as beyond the 
reach of that Commerce of Prostitution w hich directed and per¬ 
verted every thing on the parent Manor, much more faithful to 
their station and trust. To these, according to the custom of 


115 


the Albion Manor, which in all things they imitated, it belonged 
to regulate the affairs each of their own separate Manor or 
Bailiwick, and to levy all contributions both for their own ex- 
pences, and for the interest of the paternal Manor. 

But it no wise suited the insatiable craving of the Steward’s 
Home-office and Agents, to depend upon these faithful re¬ 
presentatives, whom they could neither awe nor corrupt, for 
the resources and gain their avarice now proposed to draw 
from that quarter. They, therefore, without enquiry, or at 
all consulting the parties concerned, determined that their 
always ready tools, the Albion Palaverium, should levy con¬ 
tributions, impose assessments, and dispose of all persons and 
property on the Columbian Manor, at some thousands of 
miles distance, the same as they did on their own at home, of 
which they are the professed representatives. Such extrava¬ 
gant pretensions, it may well be supposed, excited both the 
astonishment and indignation of the Columbians. 

The yoke of boundless contribution had been slipt so gra¬ 
dually upon the neck of the Bull Family, by the perfidious 
connivance of the corrupt part of Mrs. Bull’s Office, to 
whom they had trusted their concerns, that they scarce per¬ 
ceived it, till by the selfish compliance of the traitors, it was 
fixed beyond their power fo shake it off. And having 
been slid on so imperceptibly, they were not at first fully sen¬ 
sible of its galling pressure; and must now trudge on under 
its increasing weight, till it sink them to the ground ; or, till 
galled to madness, they frantic, break the yoke and burst the 
bands, and trample their drivers under foot. 

But the necks of the untamed Columbians had been used 
to no such yoke ; and when, with all its galling weight, it was 
rashly flung upon them by such rude and unskilful hands, it 
roused their utmost resentment, and they spurned the attempt 
with indignation and rage. 

The Junto and their Palaverium began by making a la\t, 

1 ^ 

1 +J 


116 


that no agreement nor instrument in writing should be valid 
in Columbia unless it was written on paper bearing the mark 
or stamp of the Albion Steward’s Office. In such a coun¬ 
try as Columbia then was, this was nearly laying an embargo 
on all business. The original Estates there were of almost 
boundless extent; producing every necessary and comfort of 
life within themselves ;—perhaps no emporium for imported 
commodities to be found within fifty or a hundred miles. 
Land was constantly passing in smaller divisions from hand to 
hand at a very low price; and it would often happen that the 
journey to procure the paper for a conveyance, and the price 
of the stamp, would amount to more than the purchase of a 
tnoderate Estate. Beside this, there was scarce a draught 
they could swallow* or a morsel they could put in their 
mouths, but in addition to the price of the thing, they must pay 
a composition for using it, to the Steward of the Albion Manor; 
and that regulated and imposed upon them by this Steward’s 
Office, or his ready and obsequious tools, the prostitute crea¬ 
tures of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold. And they were absolutely 
prohibited from disposing of any part of their own produce ; 
or purchasing any thing they wanted at any other market, or 
procuring it by any other conveyance than that of the Albion 
Manor. Now, though such imposts were submitted to by 
the Bull Family themselves in their own Manor, they were 
imposed at least nominally, with their own consent, and regu¬ 
lated by their professed representatives ; and are by their own 
connivance, applied to the maintenance of a set of drones ; 
which, however nauseous, contemptible, and pernicious, are 
bred in their own hive; and they are pleased to indulge and 
support them. In Columbia no such pampered vermin can 
be found, nor would be suffered ; nor would they submit to 
support elsewhere, what they viewed with the abhorrence and 
disgust which is naturally felt at seeing dogs and vultures de¬ 
vouring a carcase while yet alive, or vermin fattening on a 


117 


mass of already putrid corruption. In short, through the 
whole Columbian Manor, indignation and resentment were 
excited to the utmost; to elude which, or to allay or tame 
such untractable spirits, far exceeded the skill or capacity of 
such drones as now occupied the chief stations in the Albion 
Steward’s Office: of necessity, therefore, a change took 
place. Indeed, the present presumptuous drivellers were be¬ 
come scarce less contemptible to the Bull Family, than they 
were detestable to the Columbians;—even the Steward him¬ 
self had strangely lost that unbounded favour and partiality, 
which, with universal acclaim, hailed his accession to the 
Stewardship. 

The master of Rollingham, supposed a genuine son of 
John Bull, was now called to the head of the Steward’s 
Agents. But, however, obliged to give way to necessity, 
the same spirit and purpose of subjecting every thing to itselt, 
still prevailed in the Steward’s Office; so that Rollingham, 
whatever his own principles might be, could only apply par¬ 
tial and temporary remedies to the present evils. I he law 
imposing the use of the Steward’s marked paper, with most 
others immediately affecting the Columbians, was, indeed, 
annulled ; and their resentment, of course, subsided. But 
in place of the former, another law, of much more portentous 
aspect, was now enacted,—asserting and declaring the absolute 
and indisputable right of the Albion Steward and Palaverium 
to bind and controul, to command, and absolutely to dispose 
of the Columbians and all their concer ns, in all cases whatso¬ 
ever. When people have an opportunity ol conferring a 
great advantage upon themselves, and notning to restrain or 
limit them but the extent of their own will or choice ; it 
would surely shew great folly and unfitness for the business 
of the world to be sparing, and not to take to themselves 
sufficiently. This, according to their own estimation, was 
the case of the Albion Stewards Office and Palavenuni with 



118 


T 


respect to the Columbians. And they took care to shew that 
they knew the value of their situation, and would not be 
wanting to themselves. As to any consideration that might 
weigh on the other side ; these, lay not only beyond their 
knowledge, but beyond the reach of their capacity and com¬ 
prehension. They acted perfectly according to their nature 
and station. As Cleopatra’s clown said of his asp—“ The 
worm will do its kind,”—“ the serpent will bite without inchant- 
ment,”—the horse-leech will suck blood wherever it can fix 
its fangs. This is, perhaps, all circumstances considered, the 
highest stretch of Stewardism, or of assumed power and au¬ 
thority that was ever professedly attempted, or pretended to. 
We find, indeed, one of Lewis Baboon’s parasites cajoling 
him with something nearly to the same amount;—“ It is true,” 
says the sycophant, i( that all the folk on the Frankland Manor, 
whoever they are, ow e to you their persons, their goods, their 
blood, their lives ; without the least pretension to any right in 
those things themselves. In sacrificing to you themselves, and 
all that they have, they only perform their duty, and confer 
no obligation upon you, since all is from you.” # Some¬ 
thing nearly allied to this we find, indeed, attempted on 
the Albion Manor itself, but spurned with contempt and ridi¬ 
cule, even in the highly assuming days of Stewardess Bess. 
“ Seijeant Heale marvelled much the Palaverium should 
demur upon granting this contribution; or, about the 
time of payment, when cdl we have , said he, is the Stew¬ 
ardess, and she may lawfully at pleasure take it from us; 
yea, she has as much right to all our lands and goods, as to 
any revenue of the Stewardship Here the Chamber began 
to hem and to laugh. u Wall, all your hemming and laughing, 

* II estvrai,que tous vous sujets, quels qu’il s soint,vous soi vent leur person- 
nes, leur biens, leur sang, sans avoir droit d’en rien pretendre. En vous 
sacrifiant tout ce qu'ils ons, ils font leur devoir, & ne vous donnent rien, 
puisque tout cst a vous;—lest. I*olit, Du M, De Louvois, page 3. 


/ 


119 


said the Serjeant, shall not put me out of countenance To 
mend the matter, therefore, he told them he could prove his po¬ 
sition in the time of the third Harry , Steward Jack, and Steward 
Steen , fyc. At this, the Chamber laughed louder than before, 
till at last they laughed the Serjeant into his seat. For these 
his degrading principles, he was afterwards more severely 
taken through hand.” Had such a prompt and bold advocate 
for Stewardical assumption presented himself in our days, we 
should soon have seen him in one of the first stations under 
the Stewardship.—Witness Y—ke. 

Yet even these extravagancies in absurdity, fall short of the 
above boundless assumption. These were merely the flatteries 
of parasites. Nor do we find that Lewis with all his vanity, 
or Bess with all her prerogatives, ever stretched their preten¬ 
sions to the extent here implied; even over those who affected 
to pride themselves in their implicit subjection. With the Bull 
Family and Columbians at present, the case was far other¬ 
wise; the Constitution of the Manors, and the spirit and prin¬ 
ciples of the people, were founded in direct contrary, and far ‘ 

more generous maxims. But by the Bull Steward and Pala- 
verium, those extravagant pretensions were made an established 
law, over persons and things separated thousands of miles from 
them by a vast ocean, in a world by itself, which they had never 
seen, which those who possessed it had found a desert, where 
the hand of man had never attempted cultivation ; and had by 
their patient industry rendered it the most productive and 
thriving country in the world, with very little notice or regard 
from the parent Manor, till now that they saw they could 
turn their notice of it to their own advantage. 

About this absurd law, asserting a mere pretension, the Co¬ 
lumbians did not give themselves much immediate trouble ; 
though they did not overlook nor forget it. It was, indeed, 
of singular advantage to them ; as it gave them notice of what 
they had to expect, and when time should require, to guard 


120 


against it. And it kept them constantly on the alert, to watch 
and be ready to oppose its operations. In the mean time, 
having far the advantage ol the Steward and his Clerks and 
Agents, both in activity and knowledge of the subject in hand, 
they were very sensible that every delay was in their favour. 
While they were fast rising in wealth, counsel, and vigour of 
character, their opponents were as fast sinking in luxury, 
folly, and effeminacy ; therefore, the longer they deierred put¬ 
ting their extravagant pretensions in execution, the others 
would be the better prepared to oppose them with effect. 

However, the folly and rapacity of the Steward’s Office 
could not permit such hopeful claims to lie long dormant. 
Even the attempt of the Rollingham party to temporize and 
protract the fast approaching fate of the Bull Family, was 
never acceptable to the J unto, nor accordant with the spirit 
that prevailed in the Steward’s Office; they, therefore, soon 
found themselves obliged to give way to other persons, and 
other counsels, more conformable to the prevailing spirit. 

One Don Boreas, little known or heard of before, now 
obtained the lead in the Steward’s counsels. This was a man 
of an easy, plausible, accommodating character ; who really 
meant no harm, and scarcely knew he w as doing any. Though 
of no great capacity, this Boreas, was, perhaps, w'ith respect 
to intention, the most honest man about the Steward’s Office, 
and hence, the better adapted for his situation. His supposed 
honesty, and his professing himself a Whiner, the party 
•always supposed most favourable to the Family interest, though 
the term was now almost out of use, rendered him less sus¬ 
pected; and his moderate capacity prevented him from per¬ 
ceiving all the designs of those with whom he acted, and 
from seeing the extent of the mischief he was doing. 

Thus, accommodated with an instrument for their purpose, 
the Junto commenced their operations. The article they chose 
to begin with, was the well known oriental herb Thea, or Tea, 


\ 


121 


the use of which was become so universal with all the Bull 
Family at home and abroad, that it was thought no impost 
upon it could prevent both the 1 ea and the Tax being; swaL 
lowed in Columbia, as well as in Albion. Nor was any pro¬ 
posal, or previous intimation of the design thought necessary 
or proper. 

We will here just observe, that the importation of this ar¬ 
ticle, with the whole of the oriental trade, was the monopoly of 
an association so colleagued with the Steward’s Office and 
Agents, that next to the influence of that Office itself, they 
have been the most perniciously instrumental in corrupting 
and debauching the Bull Family, and in accelerating that 
ruin which is now so fast rushing upon them. 

By collusion with this association, it was settled that a 
large quantity of this Thea should be sent to Columbia, on 
each pound of which, a moderate duty, assessed by the Albion 
Palaverium, should be collected in that country ; but it was 
so ordered between the Company and the Steward’s Agents, 
that it should be afforded for sale at a low'er price than they 
could usually buy it, when there was no duty collected upon 
it in the country of Columbia. This they thought would be 
a temptation which the Columbians could not resist. Espe¬ 
cially as a decoction from this oriental herb constituted the 
favourite libation of the Ladies; over which all gossipry and 
good fellowship among them was carried on : of course, they 
were reckoned upon as sure and powerful auxiliaries on this 
occasion. And the devisers of this crafty scheme, conscious 
of their own serpentine character, thought, if like their great 
prototype, they could tempt the women, they were sure of 
the men. And if this small tax upon Thea went down, it 
would be a precedent, and pave the way for all they intended 
should follow 7 : if the snake once got in his head, there would 
be little difficulty in introducing his whole body. 

But they found themselves entirely out in all their calcula- 


122 


tions. So far were the Columbian Ladies from desiring the 
indulgence of their Tea on the terms intended, that they en¬ 
tered into vows and engagements not to let a spice of it be 
seen within their doors, or a drop of it to enter their lips ; 
the very name became offensive to their ears, and the smell 
to their nostrils; and they determined rather to gossip over a 
distillation of Daisies, than taste of so baleful a cup; which 
they knew was intended to entail degradation and slavery upon 
them and their children for ever. 

But there were among those untamed Columbians some, 
who determined not to trust to voluntary resolutions against 
the use of this pestiferous drug, but took upon themselves to 
put the matter past praying for. They were, no doubt, 
u certain lewd fellows of the baser sortbut they seem to 
have been pretty numerous. It was well known that the 
Steward had his instruments among the Columbians ; particu¬ 
larly, all the dependants of his bailiffs and substitutes, mostly 
importations from the Bull Manor, besides some corrupted 
and unfaithful Columbians themselves. All these, it was 
known, favoured the Steward’s pretensions, and would not 
only use the Tea themselves, but exert their endeavours to 
spread and encourage the using of it as much as possible. 
Those rude fellows also resented the attempt to overreach 
them in this insinuating and insidious way; and being deter¬ 
mined to make sure work, they assembled themselves in the 
night, in number quantum suffic'd, and boarding the vessels 
which contained the treacherous freight, emptied the whole 
contents into the sea ; making the harbour of Bulton one great 
dish of Tea. I suppose they chose a dark night; for though 
they were so numerous, no body knew one of them. Yet, I 
doubt, they were not very much afraid of being seen ; for 
they did their business so orderly, so completely, and with no 
other hurt or injury to any one, that no enterprize under the 
most legitimate authority could have been more regularly ex- 


/ 


123 

ecu ted. And their work done, they departed quietly to 
their own homes; and to be sure, none of them could be 
found out afterward. • 

\\ hen the news of this insolent enterprize reached Albion it 
caused the utmost agitation and resentment in the Steward’s Of¬ 
fice. \ et, instead of regretting what had happened, they rather 
exulted in the occasion and pretence, they thought, they had 
now obtained, for having recourse to compulsion and force, and 
for shewing their irresistible power to the devoted Columbians. 
Instead, therefore, of enquiring after, or wishing to know and 
punish the guilty individuals who performed the exploit, 
they determined to wreck their vengeance on the whole Manor 
of Novalbion, and to make it an example of terror to all 
generations through the regions of Columbia. 

In pursuance of this design, a whole fleet of every kind 
of watercraft was dispatched for Bulton, the capitol of Noval¬ 
bion, freighted with bailiffs, bullies, and bravos of all 
descriptions ; together with declarations, edicts, capiases,— 
non ad respondendum , sed ad satisfaciendum ,— ready to be 
put in force by the Steward’s Agents and Substitutes, as occa¬ 
sion should require ; with also shiploads of balloons, bludgeons, 
pikes, pistols, and every instrument of broil and quarrel, 
from John Bull’s oak cudgel, to the Dutchman’s guilly, or 
great knife. 

The report of this threatening embarkation excited prepa- 
tion and resolution, rather than alarm or terror, through the 
whole extent of the Columbian Manor. Especially, as oil 
its arrival, instead of enquiring out the guilty, and demanding 
justice upon them according to the laws of the Manor, it was 
determined, in contempt of all law and all justice, to punish, 
nay even to ruin, the whole corporation of Bulton, with all 
the inhabitants of Novalbion. 

This Bulton was head of the largest and most populous 
division of the whole Columbian Manor; and being possessed 


124 


t , , 

of an extensive and excellent harbour, the chief support of its 
numerous inhabitants was their navigation and commerce. 
The first step of revenge, therefore, was, by means of the 
formidable embarkation above mentioned, to shut up their 
harbour, and to exclude them from all navigation and trade; 
which soon reduced the inhabitants to the greatest distress. 
In vain they complained, remonstrated, petitioned; in vain 
they ascribed what had happened to the effects of popular 
tumults, which no laws could restrain; of which the Bull 
Manor itself affords not a few striking instances. In vain 
they offered to compensate the damage done, and to prose¬ 
cute and punish the guilty as far as they could be known, and 
convicted. Nothing could alter, or mitigate their doom, but 
entire and unconditional submission; and the acknowledgment, 
in its full extent, of the right of the Albion Steward and 
PaJaverium to dispose absolutely of them , and all that be - 
longed to them, for ever , in all cases zchatsoever. 

The Columbians possessed too much of the original self- 
dependent spirit of the Bull Family, not to spurn at the very 
proposal of such a degradation. Indeed, it is almost alone among 
those sequestered sons of John Bull, that the true ancient 
spirit of the Bull race is now’ to be found; at least, where it 
is of vigour sufficient to exert itself. That infamous Com¬ 
merce of Prostitution, which has been so often mentioned, 

s 9 

with the loathsome disease by w hich it is accompanied, having 
not only corrupted and debauched Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, 
but spread itself into almost every Flouse and Family of note 
on the Manor ; to the total extinction of all virtue, all vigour, 
all sense of dignity, and independent w orth of character. 

But the other divisions of the Columbian Manor did not 
forget their Novalbion neighbours in their distress; nor look 
tamely on, while they were suffering under those insults and 
injuries, which they knew were equally prepared, and intend¬ 
ed for themselves. A general meeting of Deputies sent 


125 


from each of the separate Bailiwicks took place for consult¬ 
ing, and deciding, concerning the interest and safety of the 
whole Columbian body in this emergency. And, as the 
aggression and injuries were persisted in, and extended, this 
assembly also became permanent; which we shall distinguish 
by the name of the Pancolumbian Comitium, or simply the 
Comitium. 

It would be endless to enumerate the appeals, petitions, 
and remonstrances, that were made to the Steward, the Pala- 
verium, and the Bull Family in general, by this assembly; or 
to point out the clear, and irrefutable reasoning and arguments 
by w hich they were supported. With justice, right, or reason, 
their antagonists thought they had nothing to do. They 
believed they had power; and that they held to be sufficient 
for their purpose. All remonstrances, appeals, and com¬ 
plaints, from Columbia were therefore treated with pointed 
insult and contempt; and at last were not allowed to be read, 
nor their bearers to be heard.— Quern Deus vult perdere prius 
dementat. 


/ 


126 


Chap. III. 

\ 

Contents. —Progress of the Columbian Lawsuit—carried on with great 
animosity—and various success.—Whiteington, the Columbian, head 
Solicitor—great and good above the men of his age.—By a most ex¬ 
traordinary stratagem of Law rescues the whole Columbian Court, 
Judges, Lawyers, with all their Law Apparatus—after they had been 
capiased by Quomodo, the Albion Solicitor, on the Island of Pouhat- 
ton.—Character of the principal Agents of the Albion Steward’s 
Office—Boreas,—Mindungus,—Lothorio. 

Injuries may be forgotten, or forgiven; insults seldom, 
or never are : these the Columbians did not need to excite 
and imbitter their resentment, or to confirm their purpose to 
resist to the utmost the claims made upon them ; but they 
were perhaps necessary to induce that unanimity and deter¬ 
mined resolution never to yield or admit accommodation; 
which from hence, on their side, distinguished the contest. 

While the Columbians were thus pleading, and remon¬ 
strating, and appealing to the justice and humanity of the 
Bull Family, rather than of the Steward and his Agents ; they 
did not neglect more vigorous and necessary preparations 
against the worst tl at might befal them. The Comitium 
were unanimous in their resolution to support their neigh¬ 
bours of Bulton against the insults and injustice of the 
Steward and Palaverium. And almost every individual through 
the Great Manor of Columbia was eager, even to enthusiasm, 
to resent, and resist the insolent pretensions that were made 
upon them. Thus an inextinguishable quarrel seemed to be 
commenced. And as the imported preparations from Albion 
plainly indicated that they depended more upon club-law 
than book-law, more upon strength and force, and their hired 
bravos, than reason and right, or any judicial decision; so 


127 


the Columbians were not wanting in preparation for the 
same sort of warfare. 

To work then they went with great animosity on both sides. 
The first trial of any importance was an action of ejectment 
brought by the Columbians for the recovery of the town and 
harbour of Bulton, ot which the Steward’s bailiffs and bullies 
held possession; in which, though the Columbians were non¬ 
suited, yet they gave, for a first trial, such a specimen of their 
spirit and resolution in the quarrel, and also of their abilities 
to defend the cause in which they were engaged, that the 
action in the whole w 7 as estimated rather to their advantage. 
And the Steward and his Junto, though they affected to 
triumph in the issue of this affair, could not hide their chagrin 
and disappointment, at being made sensible they had so 
much miscalculated concerning the Columbians; of whom 
they reckoned, that they had only to will it, in order to bring 
them to entire submission. Indeed, in this very action, 
although the Columbians were nonsuited, the defendants 
soon found themselves, in consequence of the manner they 
had been handled, obliged to abandon the possession of Bul- 
ton, and quit the Columbian Manor; at least to retire to a 
sequestered corner of it; which took no part in the quarrel, 
and was of little consequence to either side. 

By this time the Bull Steward and Palaverium had issued 
edicts forfeiting all the estates and possessions of the Colum¬ 
bians, annulling all leases, conveyances, charters, and grants 
whatsoever in their favour. Indeed, all this was virtually 
done before, by the law 7 declaring a right of binding and dis¬ 
posing of them in all cases whatsoever. But now a deter¬ 
mined resolution was shewn to put all this in immediate and 
effectual execution; and for this end proceedings were in¬ 
stantly commenced. Quomodo, the Steward’s chief solicitor 
in Columbia, having received a powerful reinforceiflent ot 
solicitors, attornies, clerks, bailiffs, bullies, and every apparatus 


128 


for all sorts of law operations, was ordered to bring an action 
for a general ejectment for the whole Columbian Manor. 
This Quomodo was a very clever fellow, an excellent lawyer* 
and equal in capacity to any thing in the line of his profession. 
But fortunately for the Columbians, he was also a Bon vivant , 
a jovial companion, and of unbounded complaisance and 
gallantry towards the Ladies. And it must be acknowledged 
that the Columbian Ladies neither wanted charms, nor were 
altogether impregnable in defending them. 

Quomodo began his process with great eclat, and with such 
success as almost staggered the Columbians themselves. Not 
that they allowed themselves to hesitate a moment whether 
they should submit to the pretension set up by the Steward’s 
declaratory law : but the Stewardical Junto had already 
lowered their style. It was now held forth, that they really 
meant no harm to the Columbians. They only proposed to 
bring down their proud stomachs, and to see them at their 
feet: and then they would raise them up; and with great 
generosity grant them the use of themselves and their posses¬ 
sions. This, indeed, was only saying —if you wdll only put 
yourselves in our hands, and acknowledge yourselves to be 
our property, we will be very good and indulgent masters : 
but still you must hold every thing as of our liberality and 
free bounty ; nothing as of any claim or right in yourselves. 
This is, indeed, the genuine spirit and principle of unrestrained 
Stew'ardism : but to these generous professions the incredu¬ 
lous Columbians did not choose to trust. 

In the first trial at bar on the Island of Pouhatton, the 
Steward’s Attorney, as we have intimated, had a very favour¬ 
able verdict; and he, and his attendant lawyers, highly pleased 
with the success of the day, consigned the following night to 
gratulation, conviviality, and repose; and thought they had 
nothing to do next day, or at their leisure, but to take 
into custody the whole of the Columbian court judges. 


129 


lawyers, bailiffs, and bravos; with all their green bags, portfolios, 
and every preparation for future proceedings at law ; not 
leaving them so much as pen, ink, and paper, even to draw 
up another brief. In this they might reckon themselves the 
more secure, that the place where the late trial had been de- 

• ' # r . , *r 

cided was an insulated spot, wholly surrounded with deep and 
dangerous waters^ from whence the Bull superiority in water- 
craft cut off all possibility of escape. 

But here we must stop a little to introduce a truly great 
and distinguished personage; one, in dignity and ’worth, far 
exceeding all that these Memoirs have yet had, Or shall have 
occasion to mention. Agricol Whiteington, from the com- 
mencement of this quarrel, had been chosen Praeses of the 
Pancolumbian Comitium; and as soon as it w as suspected 
that the matter w r ould come to an open quarrel and lawsuit, 
he w r as appointed Solicitor, and constituted chief Agent and 
conductor of all law proceedings oil the Manor ; and that not 
by the partiality of a corrupt Steward’s Office, but by the uni¬ 
versal voice and consent of the people wdiose’ cause he w as to 
solicit. In his early years lie had had some practice in the 
law; and in that character stood high in reputation; but was 
still more highly distinguished by an open sincerity, a noble 
simplicity, and incorruptible integrity of character; but above 
all, he stood pre-eminent for an ardent and unbiassed zeal for 
the interest of Columbia, and an inviolable fidelity to those 
who had committed their cause to his capacity and care. 

This person, from the multiplicity of important business 
that lay on his hands, could not be present in Court when the 
issue above mentioned came to be tried ; but lie arrived im¬ 
mediately after, while Quomodo was preparing to execute 
judgment of ejectment which he had obtained; and even to 
arrest and take into custody the whole Columbian train of 
lawyers, bailiffs, and bullies, and to seize into his hands every 
preparation and resource they had provided for future law 


VOL. II. 


K 


1.30 


proceedings;—which were almost wholly collected on the 
insular spot we have mentioned. In short, just as Quomodo, 
as he thought, was about to finish the cause, and cut off the 
Columbians by one stroke from all possibility of further re¬ 
sistance—Whiteington arrived. 

Nothing could exceed the vexation and chagrin with 
which Whiteington was affected when he discovered this despe¬ 
rate state of affairs. But it is not the character of virtue and 
fortitude, under any circumstances, to sink into despair; or 
to sit down and bewail its lot; but rather to be aroused to 
attempt even presumed impossibilities : 

- i • / . , 

.... metus omnes et inexorabile fatum 

Subjecit pedibus , strepitumque aherontis avciri . 

: • • ' M '•r V • ;• * , : ■ « ;( }k ; !.\_ 

Quomodo, thinking the game entirely in his own hand to 
finish it when he pleased, had left the Columbians, as we 
have said, to their own melancholy reflection for the night: 
and it was only by an unaccountable neglect in the Steward’s 
watercraft, that, either Whiteington could find access to them, 
or that a single person could escape from the situation they 
were in. How desperate then must have been the attempt, 
from under a guard of constables, bailiffs, and bravos, to 
carry oft* across the most dangerous of ail water-passages, the 
whole Columbian Court counsellors and lawyers of all de¬ 
scriptions, with all their train and apparatus for law proceed¬ 
ings, without a single solicitor’s clerk, or so much as a green 
bag being missing or left behind. Yet all this, in the course 
of one night, uninterrupted, unseen, unsuspected, Whiteington 
devised, attempted, and completely accomplished. Taken 
with all its circumstances, by those who know the local 
scene, this will perhaps be allowed to be one of the greatest 
and most successful stratagems that the records of law pro¬ 
ceedings can furnish. It was, no doubt, to the presumed 
impossibility of the attempt that it owed its full success. 



131 


The thought of such an attempt could never have entered an 
ordinary mind. The surprise and astonishment of Quonvodo, 
in the morning, exceeded alt description.—It would be tedi¬ 
ous, here, to relate the various partial trials, indecisive issues, 
ousters, ejectments, and re-possessioris, of particular farms, 
mansions, and tracts of the Manor, that took place for seve^ 
ral successive terms. In short, there seemed to be no end to 
the suit. 

r 

. _ | i j 

The Columbians, perfectly aware of the constant rivalship, 
and jealousy, that subsisted between the Bull and the Frank 
Families, were sensible that Lewis Baboon would be very 
willing to encourage and assist them in the lawsuit. The 
truth is, Lewis had secretly excited, and assisted them, from 
the very first broaching of the quarrel : but at the same time 
he wished to avoid an open breach with John Bull, as he 
knew that if ever the parties should make up'their quarrel, 
they were likely both to join against him; the consequences 
of which, from experience, he had good reason to dread. His 
great object therefore was to make the quarrel irreconcilable; 
and entirely to dissolve the connection between the Colum¬ 
bian and Albion Manors. This Lewis knew would be an 
object of so much consequence, so fatal to John Bull, that 
for the sake of it, he would even venture an open rupture 
with him. 

At the commencement of this quarrel, the Columbians had 
no design, and made no pretensions, to discard the superiority 
of the Albion Manor, nor to disclaim the legitimate authority 
of the Steward ; they only meant to oppose the unlimited 
claim of the Steward and his Palaverium to bind and dispose 
of them and their property in all cases whatsoever: especially 
as they had, by ancient and indisputed custom in every sepa¬ 
rate division of the Manor, Palaveriums of their own, lor the 
express purpose of making and sanctioning all local and inter¬ 
nal laws and regulations. They readily allowed the authority 

K % 


x 


132 


of the Steward and Albion Palaverium to regulate their trade 
and commerce ; agreed to send all their spare produce only to 
Albion and its dependencies; and to purchase every thing 
they wanted only from thence. In short, instead of making 
any unreasonable demands, it seems at this time a wonder 
that they voluntarily conceded so much as they did. 

But now, insulted, harassed, ejected from their Farms and 
Estates, their lands plundered and laid waste, their houses 
rifled and burnt—thus provoked beyond all endurance, they 
came to a bold, decisive, and fateful resolution, to throw off 
at once all subordination and dependance upon the Bull 
Family and Manor of Albion ; and especially to disclaim all 
subjection and accountability to the Bull Steward, his Office, 
and Agents. This was the most fatal stroke that the Bull 
Family and Manor of Great Albion had ever sustained; and 
one which it never has recovered, nor ever will recover. 

This was the point to which Lewis Baboon had laboured 
to bring the Columbians. And this point obtained, he sup¬ 
plied them freely and openly both with money and able 
lawyers, and constables, bailiffs, and bullies, without stint. 
The unavoidable consequence, was, a quarrel between Bull 
and Baboon. 

While all this was going on in Columbia, the utmost folly, 
ignorance, and infatuation prevailed in the Albion Steward’s 
Office. The Steward and his Junto were fully bent on carry¬ 
ing their point; and depended on their corrupt influence, and 
the support of their prostitute minions, in Mrs. Bull’s Hous- 
hold, to consign the whole wealth and resources of the Bull 
Family to the accomplishment of their purpose. But both 
the folly, and injustice, of their pretensions were so obvious, 
and their characters and conduct so contemptible, that per¬ 
sons of character or capacity would scarce take any share in 
their counsels or enterprises, or have any connection with 
them. 


133 


Of the Steward himself we will say little. Indeed, to one 
uniform unvarying sentiment, or principle, the whole conduct 
and character of this Stewardship may be referred; from the 
spirit of which it never deviated; and, which, constantly, kept 
in view, will afford a sure clew to the whole course, and whole 
consequences, of this long and eventful Stewardship. Of a 
Stewardship, the happiness and long continuance of which 
has been celebrated with so much gratulation, rejoicing, and 
jubilee, the ruling principle must, no doubt, be the very re-* 
verse of that, which holds the Stewardship to be the sole end 
and object to which the very being and existence of the Bull 
Family, Manor, and Constitution is to be referred; so as 
that every thing that concerns these, ought, must, shall, finally 
yield to the interest, design, w ill, of the Steward; and to the 
^accommodation of his office, of his friends, and of his family. 
Such Stewardships we have seen; where this principle has 
been persisted in by means as various, as multiform, as per¬ 
severing, and as successful, as “ my Grannum” in the Song— 

Who never gave o’er what she once undertook : 

If scolded, she moulded ; if heated, retreated ; 

Now flatter’d, now spatter’d ; but twisted, persisted, 

And always succeeded by hook or by crook. 

That tl le spirit of the present Stewardship must be tire 
very reverse of all this, may, I say be clearly inferred from 
its jubilant celebrity ; and from the blessed fruits which we 
are now 7 reaping, and likely long to reap from it! 

At the head of the Steward’s Agents was Don Boreas, as 
Major Domo and Pimp in Ordinary; in which character he 
became more distinguished than any that had filled the office 
since the celebrated Bob Walstaff. This Boreas was a good 
humoured easy man, troubled with no acute feelings; to 
whom ordinary rubs and spurns gave little pain; and who 
could jest upon the contempt, and even the execrations, with 


134 


which his abortive schemes and enterprises came to be treated: 
and in proposing a new contribution on the journals in which 
these were daily circulated on the Manor, he would observe 
—that u surely the Bull Family could not grudge to pay for 
so grateful an entertainment as the constant ridicule, abuse, 
and satire on the Major Domo and his colleagues, which those 
journals so abundantly supplied.” He would not, perhaps, 
have acted a part which he was conscious was contrary to 
the principles he professed; but so little comprehension had 
he of the connection between action and principles, that 
while he was acting a part the most opposite to every princi¬ 
ple of civil right and freedom, he affected to hold himself 
forth as of that party in the Bull Family, who professed the 
highest regard to the principles of popular freedom and right. 
‘.Me, of the Whiner persuasion,’ was a frequent phrase in 
his speeches in Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office, it was indeed 
this easy accommodating character, unconscious of conse¬ 
quences, that recommended him to his present station; as 
one qui posset ferre secundus— according to the scheme of 
the Junto. But as to conducting the quarrel, or carrying on 
the desperate and detestable lawsuit in which they were en¬ 
gaged, no person could possibiy be more unfit; being pos¬ 
sessed, neither of the spirit and vigour, nor of that entire 
depravity of character, that was necessary to go through with 
such an enterprize. in this last requisite especially, we shall 
find some of his colleagues much more duly qualified: to 
them, therefore, the active and efficient parts of the enterprise 
were committed. 

Among these, the next in trust and importance, was the 
well-know n Mindungus ; certainly, either a most unworthy, 
or most unfortunate fellow : as, being descended from a very 
distinguished branch of the Bull Family, and ever equalling 
himself to the highest undertakings and honours, be never 
was distinguished, known, or heard of, but for shame, failure, 


l 


135 


frustration, and disgrace. Some time before this period, in 
the Stewardship of the second Agricol, this Mindungus had 
been sent to Terrafirm at the head of a band of brave fel¬ 
lows, to assist in some of the broils in which John Bull was 
implicated, in consequence of the Steward’s Terrafirmal 
connections : and there, in the very height of a desperate 
rencounter, his help, with that of his fellows, being loudly 
called for by the chief partisan, he first affected not to hear; 
an express message being sent to require his immediate assist¬ 
ance, he pretended not to understand distinctly the message 
delivered; and, at all events, thought it best to look on quietly 
till the affray was over. However, the chief partisan, with 
the assistance of many other brave fellows of the Bull 
Family, gained the day, with no little honour and applause. 
This Chief was a near kinsman of Agricol’s ; and in reporting 
to him the circumstances of the affair, could not forbear 
mentioning the unaccountable conduct of Mindungus. Upon 
which, Agricol ordered him to be tried by a court of Brava- 
dism ; by which he was clearly convicted of cowardice, or 
treachery, or both ; and degraded from his station as a partisan, 
and consequently rendered unfit for the company of all brave 
fellows. And Agricol, who, besides his contempt for a 
coward, resented his treachery to his kinsman, the glory and 
success of whose achievement, he had lessened,—and to jea¬ 
lousy of whom, indeed, some impute the whole of his con¬ 
duct on the occasion, ordered him never again to shew his 
face within the precincts of the Steward’s Office. 

From this time, to the period we are now speaking of, 
Mindungus had shrunk into obscurity and contempt; without 
being seen, heard, or thought of. Nor would he have been 
deemed worthy of the present notice, were it not to shew 
what sort of characters they were, to which the Steward’s 
Office was now fain to have recourse; and who, alone, would 
deign to join them. As this was a favourable time for cravens 


/ 


/ 


136 


to rear their crests, this caitiff began to peep abroad; and 
whether from a consciousness of congeniality, or from some 
inviting hints and glances, ventured even to approach and 
shew himself about the Steward’s Office. A time when no 
person of honour or character would engage in, or cared to 
be thought connected with the office, was just the opportunity 
for such a one, who could not refuse, or pretend to make 
exceptions to any thing that could be proposed to him. The 
parties soon came to a perfect understanding; he was to 
undertake the chief direction and management of the Co¬ 
lumbian quarrel; and all his former stains were to be wiped 
out and forgotten. 

A third most importantly trusted associate in this set was 
the notorious Lothario *—a man millis virtutibus redemptus 
a vitiis; a man as long obtrusively blazoned for vice, as Min- 
dungus had been obscurely buried for shame No man was 
ever more emulously ambitious of being pre-eminent in virtue 
and honour, than this man was of being distinguished for 
infamy and vice. To him was committed the chief charge 
of the watercraft and all sea-faring concerns ; in a quarrel, 
where, beside the usual operations of water warfare, all the 
actors, and the whole apparatus, were to be sent across the 
wide waters that lay between the Albion and Columbian 
Manors : a trust ol no ordinary importance; especially, 
after Lewis Laboon and Lord Strut had entered into the 
quarrel. It is remarkable, that m the early part of this 
Stewardship, a certain would be wit, I believe, this very 
Lothario, was attempting to display his talent in the Steward’s 
hearing, by scoffing at religion ; when Agricol, who was cer¬ 
tainly, himself a man of sober and pious habits, expressly 
intimated, that no one who dared to make a jest of religion 
should presume to present themselves in his presence. Yet to 
that pass was it now come, that the Junto were fain to employ 
the most profane and licentious characters j and even the ini- 


i 


137 


i 


pious and profligate Lothario was intrusted with the most im¬ 
portant charge belonging to the economy of the Manor,—the 
conducting of the Albion water warfare. 

The above were the principal Agents and Advisers* who, 
under the Steward's Junto, were to conduct this portentous 
quarrel and lawsuit, and undertook to bring it to a successful 
issue : a task, that scorned their feeble tampering powers. 
As to the Bull Family in general, they seem at this time, to 
have been sunk into a state of torpid indifference. The 
scene of action lay at a great distance, quite beyond their 
knowledge : and they were entirely incapable of judging 
of the probable issue and consequences of the cause they 
were engaged in; and so permitted the asses to plod on, till 
they had nearly landed them in irretrievable ruin. 

We might here break oft' our account of the proceedings, 
only mentioning the general issue, did vve not wish to give 
some specimens of the prowess of the doughty Mindungus 
ill his new charge; for which end, we must once more revisit 
the Columbian regions, the immediate scene of action. 





138 


, Chap. IV. 

» 

CoNfENTs.—The disastrous Event ttf Sheriff Burgundy, with his Cana¬ 
dian Posse Gomitatus.—The Columbians declare themselves a Free 
and Independent Manor:—Are joined by Lewis Baboon and Lord 
Strut.—The Steward’s Office solicit a CompositionA notable 
choice of Delegates for this purpose.—All Composition rejected.— 
Counsellor Cornscript suffers the same fate as Sheriff Burgundy,— 
which closes law proceedings.—Astonishing Tumults and Devastation 
in Ludstown, from the coutemptibleness of the Steward’s Office and 
Agents. 

Whiteington having, as we have seen, rescued his 
bailiffs, and bullies, lawyers and law apparatus, from the very 
jaws of destruction, now endeavoured to protract the cause, 
put in demurrers, to every plea, and carefully avoided joining 
issue on any decisive point, till he should be assisted by Lewis 
Baboon’s lawyers; without whose aid, however, one impor¬ 
tant and decisive issue w^as obtained. 

The wretched Mindungus, who had undertaken the ma¬ 
nagement of this Columbian cause, had never seen, nor ever 
intended to see Columbia. But he had got a survey and 
plan of the Manor, which he spread on the table before him; 
and on it he arranged and settled the whole operation for 
ejecting and dispossessing the Columbians. Contemplating 
this plan, he observed that a large portion of the Manor was 
surrounded with rivers, lakes, fens, and morasses, passable 
only at certain places. So he laid a scheme to seize those 
passable places by a posse of sheriffs, constables, bailiffs, and 
bravos, from the county of Canadia ; and so to drive in, and 
inclose the whole inhabitants, man and beast, as in a pound, 
till he had them wholly at his mercy. To accomplish this, 
he ordered High Sheriff Burgundy, at the head of the Posse 


139 


Comitatus, of the county of Canadia, with all the bailiffs, 
bullies, and bravos that could be collected in those quarters, 
to meet and drive the Columbians before them till he had 
them all safe in pound. This enterprize for some time pro¬ 
ceeded prosperously, and its final success was anticipated, 
and exulted in with the greatest confidence. 

In the mean time, the Columbians perfectly aware what 
was intended for them, were not idle, nor insensible to their 
danger. They assembled themselves in immense numbers 
from all quarters, under one Deputy Sheriff Yates, resolved, 
if possible, to catch poor Burgundy in his own trap. Fo'r 
a while they let him advance upon their premises, with little 
interruption, still retiring as he approached ; till he had got 
himself into a situation among those lakes and fens, where, 
by intercepting the passages behind him, they surrounded him 
in such a manner, that he could neither advance nor retreat. 
His provisions and travelling baggage he had already been 
obliged to leave behind him ; and those who had now' enclosed 
him round, took effectual care that no new supply should 
reach him or be found in his way. In short, he found him¬ 
self in a situation that he had no resource left, but either to 
starve or to yield himself to the clemency of those who had 
surrounded him ;—which he at last did. Never w'as the pro¬ 
verb ,—the deer has caught the lion ,—more completely exem¬ 
plified than in this enterprize. 

Upon the news of this catastrophe of his grand scheme 
reaching Albion, poor Mindungus w as frightened, ad foctorem 
usque : and next day came into the Lower Chamber of Mrs. 
Bull’s Office in a truly deplorable plight, crying peccavi in a 
most abject and pitiful tone, and confessing the necessity of now 
abandoning the whole Columbian cause, and of coming to a 
composition on such terms as could be obtained; and in this 
the whole Chamber agreed with him. The sound part of 
the Palaverium, and all who had any sentiment of their own, 


140 


had constantly reprobated the Columbian lawsuit; and the 
trained part, ever ready to answer the lure, being used to find 
his voice an unerring signal,readily assented to the motion. But 
they soon found that both he and they had taken off a wrong 
scent. In doing so, indeed, from the clearness of the case, 
they might well be excused. But the ruling will in this case, 
%vas one on which reason or right, clearness, or even demon¬ 
stration made no impression. To the Steward’s Junto the 
loss of lawsuits, the waste of John Bull’s blood and property, 
or the ruin of his Family, were matters of great indifference ; 
while there was a shilling to spend, it was to be expended for 
their will and pleasure. By these it was determined, that the 
lawsuit should still proceed : and the very next time Min- 
dungus entered Mrs. Bull’s Office, he was obliged to contra¬ 
dict every word he had said at the last meeting ; and to pro¬ 
cure a direct contrary determination. This, however, with 
those he had to deal with, was no difficult task ; it cost neither 
blush nor apology. It is true, by not consulting the Master 
of the Pack, he had thrown off his hounds upon false scent 5 
but at the first check of die Huntsman’s voice, they were 
equally ready to run counter to their former course. Thus 
the desperate suit was resumed with as much obstinacy and 
stolidity as ever. 

But this pain I ul and degrading subject we will now get rid 
of in as few words as we can. The Columbians having en- 
tirely discarded and disclaimed all connection with, and de¬ 
pendence upon the Bull Family and Steward, Lewis Baboon 
freely and openly encouraged and supported them in their 
cause : not that he bore any cordial goodwill either to them 
or their cause: he could not but think it of dangerous example. 
But so great was his jealousy of Bull, and so strong his re¬ 
sentment and indignation at the loss and disgrace he sustained 
in his last quarrel with him, that he determined to be revenged, 
even at the risk of his own ruin ; which, in the event, was the 
consequence. 


141 


Agricol with his Junto and Advisers were now, indeed, 
fain to recede a little from their high pretensions of abso¬ 
lutely binding and disposing in all cases whatsoever; and 
instead of constables, bailiffs, and bullies, they now condes¬ 
cended to send arbitrators, for the express purpose of making 
concessions to the Columbians, and for compounding the law¬ 
suit, upon terms very different from their claims of absolute 
submission and unlimited controul. But as those terms still im¬ 
plied subordination and dependence, they were now altogether 
inadmissible, and disregarded, and contemned by the Colum¬ 
bians ; who were fully determined to stand to their declared 
independence. They would, therefore, admit of no other 
terms of composition, or connection with John Bull and his , 
Steward, than such as are usual between free and independent 
neighbours on the footing of entire equality. 

But the Steward and his Junto had not yet sufficiently felt 
their own folly to concede to this. As to Bull himself, he 
did not seem to enter iffuch into the quarrel; only he felt 
the ex pence of law proceedings becoming ruinous and intole¬ 
rable'. And sometimes lie seemed to think with regret on 
the distress and ruin Of the Columbians themselves, on whose 
premises the cruel and wasteful quarrel was carried on, as 
being a branch and part of his own Family. But these 
were matters of no concern to the Junto and their associates ; 
in that station, the claims and sufferings of humanity are 
unfelt, unknown, unacknowledged, except in the mere lan¬ 
guage of false and affected professions and speeches. 

But what may be principally marked in this overture of 
composition and accommodation, and demonstrates how much 
the most important interests and concerns ot the Bull family 
were postponed to the mere gratification and emolument of 
those who had gotten themselves and their affairs into their 
hands, w as the choice of the persons fixed upon to carry these 
Overtures into execution. It has been seen how all proposals 


142 


of accommodation before the lawsuit commenced, were spurned 
and insulted at the Steward’s Office; yet, still there were 
many of the Bull Family, and especially in the two Chambers 
of Mrs. Bull’s Office, who always exclaimed against, and op¬ 
posed this mad and ruinous lawsuit; among whom, were the 
celebrated Sir William Speedwell, and many others of the 
most respectable and leading men of the Family. Now, as 
- what they had from the beginning foretold, was actually 
come to pass ; and the concessions they long urged in vain, 
were now to be offered, and their acceptance solicited ; 
and as their moderation and friendly sentiments were known 
to the Columbians, there could be no doubt but some of 
these distinguished and conciliating characters, would now 
be fixed upon to carry the amiable proposals ; and that 
as well on account of their favourable sentiments and su¬ 
perior dignity of character ; as on account of consistency 
with the object of their commission. No such thing ! 

A Steward in former times, by the advice of his Asso¬ 
ciates, told John Bull that he would not, for his desire 
or accommodation, change the meanest servant in his kitchen ; 
these declared the same sentiment more forcibly by fact: 
nor would they forego the smallest emolument to their 
own friends and party, to have preserved Columbia to the 
Bull Family for ever ; or to have saved the Albion Ma¬ 
nor from ruin. What! are not these arbitrators or conci¬ 
liators to have ample appointments, and stipends of many 
thousands a ye ? Shall we forego, and that in favour of 
exulting adversaries, such valuable places, such ample emo¬ 
luments ? And for what? forsooth, least John Bull’s Fa¬ 
mily should be ruined in their fortunes: or, least a few 
more hundreds, or a few more thousands of them should 
be knocked on the head in these broils and quarrels! 
Does not what takes from their fortunes add to ours ? 
Aud should ten thousand of such rabble have their brains 


143 


beat out in one brawl, shall we or the Steward sleep less 
sound next night, or make a less cheerful meal next day ? 
This reasoning is unanswerable. 

Conformable to these indisputable facts, and irrefutable 
reasonings, a notable choice was made• at the head of 
which, was placed Quomodo the attorney, and his Brother 
the water bailiff, who presided over the water warfare on 
the same station,—the very persons who had conducted 
the lawsuit, and ordered all the provoking waste and de¬ 
vastation under which the Columbians were suffering, and 
burning with resentment and indignation. For the rest of 
the coadjutors in this hopeful and well concerted commis¬ 
sion little can be said ; as they were mostly persons who 
had never been heard of before, and have been very little 
either heard of, or thought of since. One was a gay airy 
young titulate; another, a clerk in one of the Steward’s 
subordinate offices; a third, a skipper in some command 
of the Steward’s barges ; this last was, perhaps, the only 
one among them who had any thing free or liberal in his 
sentiments, or had discovered any pretensions to capacity 
or genius ; but even these were no ways calculated for 
the business in hand. But enough of such ; as they and 
their undertaking amounted to nothing, except the draw¬ 
ing of some thousands of pounds out of John Bull’s pock¬ 
ets into those of the party; who had now got the plundering 
of him. 

Had a Sir William Speedwell, a Campden, a Shelbrook, 
or men of such description and character, been sent upon 
this important business, the very dignity and worth of 
their characters would have commanded attention and res¬ 
pect ; and something might, perhaps, have been done to 
have saved Columbia. But the very announcing of the 
arbitrators left no doubt nor suspence concerning the issue 
with any person capable of thought or reasoning. But 


144 


alas! those who had now got John Bull into their hands were 
incapable of any idea, thought, or sentiment beyond the 
gratification of their own humours and interests: and 
with all the insensibility of asses, possessed also all the ob¬ 
stinacy of mules. 

Though the Steward and his Advisers found their prof¬ 
fers of concession and composition contemned and rejected^ 

and their arbitrators scorned and insulted, and not even 

• *• 

allowed an interview, they were still determined to persist. 
At last one Counsellor Conscript, a very fine fellow, and 
worthy of a better cause, with a large posse of bailiffs 
and bullies put under his charge, having shared exactly 
the fate of Sheriff Burgundy, was also, as he had been, 
obliged to deliver himself and his charge at discretion, into' 
the hands of the Columbians, under the conduct of White- 
ington and Rocumbold, at the head of their Frankland 
auxiliaries. This last blow put an end to all further law 
proceedings ; and the whole cause was soon after compro¬ 
mised. 

John Bull had, with singular patience and sang fvoid, 
supported the ex pence of the lawsuit, and seen numbers 
of his Family have their bones broken, and their brains 
beat out in the broils and quarrels it had occasioned; 
and nothing was found in return but loss, contempt, and 
disgrace. Nay, so mortifyingly was his situation changed, 
in the hands of the present drivellers, that even in water 
warfare, where 1 e never before had a rival, under the 
management of the profligate and presumptuous Lothario, 
his water craft were now fain to sculk into harbours and 
creeks on his own Manor to escape the pursuit of Lewis 
Baboon and Lord Strut; who now, contrary both to his inte¬ 
rest and inclination, was dragged into the quarrel by Lewis. 
These eyes have seen and numbered ,—proh dolor l —the 
whole water craft that John Bull could muster, retiring 


145 


before its enemies, and sheltering itself in port while the 
enemy threatened, insulted, and attacked his principal arse^ 
nals and munitions. 

But, perhaps, the highest proof of contempt and imbe¬ 
cility which the conductors of any civilized set of men 
ever exhibited, will be found in the licentious tumults, riots, 
and devastation into which the people of Ludstovvn broke 
out, and proceeded for seven days and nights successively, with¬ 
out check or interruption. Ludstovvn blazed in all its quar¬ 
ters with wilful fires, its chief mansions were rifled and 
pulled down, all the confined malefactors and banditti on 
the Manor were set loose, and incited to devastation, and 
it seemed that all order and rule was totally extinguished, 
and at an end ; and while all this was going on, the 
drivelling dolts of the Steward’s Cabal and Office, sat 
confounded, and looked on as in stupitied idiotism: no 
gossipry of old women could have exhibited themselves 
more helpless, or void of resource. At last, some per¬ 
sons, not quite deprived of their reason, aroused them¬ 
selves, and calling in the bailiffs and constables, with the 
sheriff’s posse, put an end to the shameful catastrophe. 
This scene of devastation and disgrace, even the Stew¬ 
ard’s Houshold attendants, kept up and paid for mere 
show and vanity, had there been one person capable of 
calling them out and conducting them, might at any time 
have put a stop to, in as many hours, as it had raged 
days and nights without check or controul. Had it been 
to seize, and send to the keep of the Steward’s Castle an 
independent and avowed defender of the rights of the 
Bull Family; or, to check and repress the impatient ad¬ 
monitions and remonstrances of the insulted folk on the 
Manor, recourse would quickly have been had to those 
ready tools. But while the dastards could sculk in safety 
in their chambers, and no immediate danger approached 
VOL. II. l 


140 


themselves, though no doubt in dreadful fright, they thought 
it best to keep at a distance, and look on in silence. Will 
any one say, that if the Bull affairs had been in the hands of 
the merest infant, and under the management of the weakest 
gossipry of old women that ever existed, less could have 
been done; or, that in such a crisis, calling so loudly for ac¬ 
tion, in the space of seven days and nights, more would not 
have been done, than was done by those dolts : and we defy 
all records to produce a parallel instance of contemptible 
insufficiency and inaction. 

And all this was occasioned by nothing but the justly con¬ 
temptible estimation of the Steward’s Office and Agents. 
The ostensible rise of the matter was, indeed, some silly 
question about Peterkinism ; neither then, nor now, if left 
to itself, of any importance. 

A number of the infatuated wretches concerned w'ere now 

t 

seized upon and hanged ; which, no doubt, they richly de¬ 
served : but, if those who were in a manner, but the brute 
instinctive instruments of these shameful outrages,' deserved 
such a fate ; what did those still more detestable caitiffs de¬ 
serve, who, from the enviable and distinguished state of the 
Bull Family and Manor at the commencement of the present 
Stewardship, had reduced them to this wretched and deplora¬ 
ble state of disorganization, degradation, and contempt. 
But whatever they deserved, to such a degree of insensibility 
was the Bull Family reduced, that they neither suffered, nor 
seemed to apprehend any animadversion whatsoever. Flad 
the Family hanged by pairs, one at each end of a rope, an 
Agent from the Steward’s Office, and a malefactor from the 
mob, there would have been some justice, impartiality, and 
spirit in the proceeding; and the example might have been 
of use : instead of which, no sooner was the dan o'er over, 
than the cravens began to venture out their heads, and to 
crow in triumph over the wretched victims of their presump¬ 
tuous imbecility. “ 


147 


But it was impossible these ^drones could be tolerated 
much longer. To hasten their fall, the news of Cornscript’s 
disaster arriving from Columbia, at last, aroused the appre¬ 
hensions of the whole Bull Family; and every person of 
any weight and influence, saw the necessity of interposing to 
rid themselves and the Family from the hands of those wretch¬ 
ed drivellers. Indeed, the fortune of the Bull Family, and 
the affairs ol the Manor of Great Albion, were now so evi¬ 
dently, and so precipitantly, rushing to ruin, that every one 
was aware of the changer; and of the necessity of rescuing 
John Bull from those leeches that had so long relentlessly 
sucked his blood. Agricol, alone, still professed himself un¬ 
moved ; but was forced to yield to the universal impulse. 
Even the purchased prostitutes in Mrs. Bull’s Houshold 
began now to desert their paramours, as conscious they 
would not be long in a condition to pay and support them : 
and though they were well assured, that while they could 
command John Bull’s money, the Steward’s Office would 
always supply them with gallants, yet were they under some 
embarrassment, from doubt where immediately to attach 
themselves; as not knowing who might be the successful 
candidates for place in that office ; for that was sure to de¬ 
termine their choice. But they were conscious that their 
trade was too well known, and their influence in Mrs. Bull’s 
Houshold too well established, to leave them in any danger 
of being long neglected. 


148 


• Chap. V. 

Contents.—A. Chauge of Agents:—Rollingham admitted :—dies sutJ- 
denly:—succeeded by Shelbrook.—The Columbian quarrel concluded 
on the most mortifying Terms.—The Bull Steward and Palaverium 
expressly renounce all interference with the Columbians and Colum* 
bian Manor.—Carly Vulp and Billy Badspeed, their Characters and 
Competition:—Billy at last prevails:—soon betrays every profes¬ 
sion he had made:—becomes a most pernicious instrument in the 
Steward’s Office :—engages the Bull Family in an unnecessary, un¬ 
just, and seeming endless Lawsuit. 


Though nothing could be more contrary to the princi¬ 
ples which at present governed the Steward’s Office, than to 
permit the will of the Bull Family to have any weight in the 
choice of its Agents; yet so universal was the sentiment of 
danger, and so strong did the current run in favour of self- 
preservation, that it could not openly be altogether resisted. 

Rollingham and his party were supposed to entertain senti¬ 
ments most congenial to the Bull character, and most favour¬ 
able to the Constitution and customs of the Manor: and 
Boreas, Mindungus, Lothario, and their gang, being turned 
out of doors, it was found necessary in compliance with the 
general sentiment, to admit the Rollingham party into 
office; and they soon seemed to set seriously about correc¬ 
ting abuses : but the cleansing of the Augean stable was but 
an infant task compared with the truly Herculean labour, they 
had to perform. There, we hear only of the accumulated 
filth of neglected years; here, the more putrid quality of the 
filth had bred such swarms of loathsome, crawling vermin, 
attended with such a noxious effluvia and fetid smell, that 
the task was not less dangerous, than disgusting and laborious : 
and they had proceeded but a short way in it, when the la¬ 
bour, together with the noxious exhalation, proved the death 



149 


of Rollingham, the head and principal bond of union among 
the party ; and this, not before he had given shrewd signs of 
that tergiversation, by which most of his party have been 
since distinguished. This, however, was probably a very 
grateful incident to the trusted inmates of the Steward’s Of¬ 
fice. But to drop metaphor. For the purpose of perni¬ 
cious influence, and affected style, a swarm of mere useless, 
idle, voracious drones had been accumulated, as appendages 
to the Steward’s Houshold;—such as house-stewards, cham¬ 
berlains, pages, grooms, hostlers, cooks, carvers, turnspits, 
and other nominal offices, without end : and all of these had 
extravagant wages appointed them, and paid out of John 
Bull’s pocket; beside the boundless profusion wasted on the 
pimps, prostitutes, and pandars in Mrs. Bull’s Houshold. 
All these devoured John Bull’s substance with insatiable vo¬ 
racity ; and, in a manner, eat him up alive: and what is as¬ 
tonishingly preposterous, almost every one of these had a 
seat in Mrs. Bull’s Office ; and it may be thought no less as¬ 
tonishing and preposterous, that the first branches of the 
Bull Family should emulously degrade their sons and daugh¬ 
ters, to these sordid and servile stations. To rid the Stew*? 
ard’s Houshold of this pernicious vermin, and save John 
Bull from being devoured by it, the new Agents had seriously 
set themselves, and were proceeding with some effect; when 
Rollingham, the prime mover of the party, was, as we have 
said, taken off. 

This event, no doubt, relieved the Junto from some dread¬ 
ful apprehensions ; and they began anxiously to cast about 
for more tractable instruments. Shelbrook, a distinguished 
character among those who had kept aloof from the J unto, was 
first fixed upon to supply the place of Rollingham. But he 
was by some suspected to have too much complaisance for 
the Steward and those about him, and to be too artificial and 
designing for the unsuspicious openness of the Bull charac- 


150 


ter ; especially, at a time when it was determined to check 
the overgrown and pernicious influence of the Steward’s Of¬ 
fice; and to make John Bull master of himself, and of his 
own affairs. 

However, under Shelbrook’s auspices, the most important 
business now in hand, that of settling the quarrel with Co¬ 
lumbia, was finally concluded, upon terms, the most shameful 
and mortifying to the Bull pretensions that can be imagined ; 
and much worse than could be justified even by the wretched 
misconduct and miscarriage of the cause ; or, than the Co¬ 
lumbians would either have demanded or hoped for, had they 
not found that the Steward’s Office, after they saw that the 
hope of their own gain was gone, cared little for the interest, 
either of John Bull, or that of the deluded portion of the 
Columbians, who, during the contest had adhered to the 
Steward’s party in the quarrel; who were sacrificed without 
remorse or regret; and became outcasts from their country 
for ever. By the terms upon which this cause was concluded, 
poor John Bull, through the folly, ignorance, and avarice of 
his Steward’s Advisers, was expressly to give up, not only his 
pretended claim to bind and dispose of the Columbians in all 
eases whatsoever , but was obliged expressly to resign and dis¬ 
claim all right, and pretension to right, all interest, and inter¬ 
ference whatsoever with the Columbians and the Columbian 
Manor. 

r lhus, by mere obstinacy, ignorance, and infatuation, little 
short of idiotism, was a third part in number and strength of 
the Bull Family, rent from it; and a Manor, far more exten¬ 
sive than all its original possessions, lost for ever. 

Upon such a subject, thus the Poet— 

Should thus some mother with a jealous eye 
Her rising offspring view, and to repress 
Their youthful ardour with illiberal sway, 

Attempt; or to unfaithful guardians trust 


151 

W j*. 


Their dearest rights ■ who, for their selfish ends, 
Profusely throw the children’s bread to dogs ; 

By arts insidious labour to extend 
The strict restraints of infancy to youth, 

And the still rising claims of manhood check <• 
Shall not the generous blood that fills their veins. 
From the same fountain with her own derived, 

Be fir’d ? And conscious of its native claim, 

Shall not the noble spirit thus provok’d, 
Indignant, to a just resentment rise ? 

’Tis nature’s call: let just resentment rise, 

The generous blood in conscious bosoms burn, 
And every kindred spirit catch the flame. 

Our argument this apothegm may aid. 

i +■ ‘ ) 

When the first mother in her bosom nurs’d 

I- 

Her helpless babe, and dandled on her knee; 

Nor yet divin’d, by conscious nature taught, 

_ ' ‘ * * ■* - v# .1 . . * 

That with increasing years it should increase 
In stature, and to manly vigour rise : 

With swaddling bands its tender limbs she bound, 
Its sinews lith, and unknit muscles brac’d. 

And all the needful forms of nurture fix'd ; 

Thus, to the nurse’s watchful care consign’d, 

V !. 

She thought a lasting regimen complete.—- 

If yet beyond her unexperienc’d thought, 

Or fondest hopes, she saw with daily growth 
Her thriving nursling rise, his rampant limbs 
Scorning restraint, their crampling bondage burst, 
Self-taught, their native use and action claim; 

And thus in stature, strength, and fire of soul, 

To full maturity of manhood rise :— 

Must still the swaddling bands be straighter bound 
Or leading-string and go-cart still enjoin’d! 

Piqu’d reason would deride the doting thought, 
Nature indignant, spurn the weak design ; 

The attempt ridiculous, abortive, vain. 

Not less absurd, and vain, the fond pretence, 
That regions passing far her narrow bounds, 
Peopled by millions multiplying fast, 

■ 

And certain soon her numbers to exceed; 


I 


152 


lii vigour, freedom, weilth, unmatch d,—should still, 

Abject, allow, when ages have revolv’d, 

The boasted claims of Albion to controul, 

Fix and prescribe at will, their passive fate. 

As w ell the eagle, when her vigorous young 
Full fledg’d, and ardent with paternal fire, 

Disdain their former bounds, and claim the sky,— 

Their generous ardour might deny to soar, 

Forbid to prey, and to the nest confine. 

’Tis urg'd :—By ancient laws these claims are own’d, * 

O blind to reason ! biind to nature’s power! 

Blind even to facts that press upon the sense! 

Have we not one of wisdom’s sons to boast! 

Not one so far in nature skill’d, to know— 

That spite of laws, on partial prospects plan’d, 

In spite of systems and prescriptions vain, 

In spite of mortal art and power combin’d ; 

To nature’s laws, eternal, all must yield. 

Whose Sovereign sits supreme in heaven, and laughs 
At folly’s apes, affecting wisdom’s mien, 

And aims important in great nature’s spite ; 

Sure all their sapient systems to confound. 

Britain Preserved , a Poem: Book IV. verse 60, fyc. 

- * J ! , , •' ' !» ; 

But to resume our immediate subject— 

All the above disaster, scarce so much interested the now 
depraved, sordid, seltish great ones of the Bull Family, as 
the emulous and avaricious quarrels and contests for appoint¬ 
ment and place, which the entire change in the Steward’s 
Office gave occasion for. From the death of Rollingham, 
there was, for some time, nothing but bustling and changes ; 
one party jostling out another ; and the next day themselves 
jostled out by a third. 

In the mean time, Agricol and the Junto, so long as they 
thought their own influence and ascendency secure, seemed to 
look upon these contests with great indifference, and shewed 
little bias for any party ; till one of them proposed to reserve 
in John Bull’s own hand, by the medium of Mr s. Bull’s Offic^ 


153 


some new appointments in a quarter where the most gross 
and shameful abuses prevailed ; and which required new re¬ 
gulations and restraints. This proposal excited great alarm 
in the Cabal, and soon put an end to their seeming indifference. 
But of this transaction, with its causes and consequences, it 
may be proper to give a more detailed account. 

Among the most promiment candidates for office and 
place at this time, were Carly Vulp and Billy Badspeed. Of 
Billy we shall hereafter have abundant occasion to speak. 
Carly was a true son of John Bull; in his youth he had 
been a gay fellow, of much liberty and nonchalance. He 
was now become a serious man of business, but still retained 
a free, open, and independent spirit. He was a person of 
great capacity, and firmly attached to the true interests of the 
Bull Family, and the genuine customs and constitutions of 
the Manor. And, though not so well calculated for all the 
cringing compliances expected at the Steward’s Office, yet 
was he one who knew well how to render honour to whom 
honour was due. 

Carly, on account of his superior capacity, and the inviola¬ 
ble attachment and confidence that his friends had in him, 
was reckoned the leading man of the party, and principal op¬ 
ponent to Shelbrook ; who was not long able to maintain his 
ground. 

But here Carly and his party committed a sad blunder, 
which gave their adversaries great advantage against them; 
and was, indeed, generally censured, as savouring of want of 
principle. 

Old Boreas, when the Columbian cause was given up, 
quitted the Steward’s Office, with strong symptoms of mutual 
contempt on both sides : whether in compliance with those 
Whiner principles which he had always professed, even while 
acting a most contrary part; or, whether from that contempt 
<pf all principle which has long distinguished most of the 


154 


leading characters of the Bull Family} or, whether from 
mere resentment of his dismission and treatment at the Stew* 
aid’s Office, Boreas made some advances to the Vulpian 
party; who were known to be less acceptable to the Steward 
and Junto than the Shelbrook party : and as a great number 
of his old partisans still stuck by him, and would make a 
strong reinforcement to either side, their advances were ac¬ 
cepted by the Vulpian party. This union was represented by 
their opponents, as betraying an entire contempt of principle 
on both sides; and such a cry was so industriously raised 
against this conjunction of two such seemingly adverse con¬ 
stellations, by all the arts and influence of the Steward’s Of¬ 
fice and Junto, that though they displaced their adversaries, 
they could not themselves long retain their own footing in 
the office. 

Beside the Manor of Columbia, in the Western regions, 
John Bull had also another, that lay at a still greater distance 
to the East; in the management of which, the most gross and 
shameful abuses had long existed. A new system of regula¬ 
tions, laws, and customs, and a new description of Agents 
and Officers for this Manor were become absolutely necessa¬ 
ry : accordingly, the outlines of such a system were intro- 

% 

duced by Carly Vulp, and discussed in the Lower Chamber 
of Mrs. Bull’s Office. By this instrument it was proposed— 
that for controlling and restraining those abuses and enormi¬ 
ties that prevailed in this oriental Manor, a certain office or 
chamber of controul should be appointed : and in conformity 
with the genuine principles and constitution of the Albion 
Manor, it was provided that the members of this office 
should be chosen and appointed by the Palaverium ; who 
were the natural and constituted guardians and trustees of ail 
the Bull affairs and possessions. This provision so alarmed 
the Junto and all those vultures, who hovering round, await 
the daily garbage and offals of the Steward’s Office ; that a 


155 


consultation being had on the subject, an express commission 
^ iis given to some of the trusted Junto, to let it be known in 
the Palaverium, that those who wished to ingratiate themselves 
at the Steward’s Office could not perform a more acceptable 
service than to oppose the new Oriental system, and all the 
views and objects of the V ulpian party. This step was de¬ 
cisive. 

It is held to be one of the most flagrant violations of the 
Albion Constitution for the Steward to interfere—or for any 
one to use the Steward’s name to influence any matter, or 
question, that is pending under consultation in Mrs. Bull’s 
Office. And the instance before us is perhaps, since the ex¬ 
pulsion of the last \ agob, the only direct violation of such 
an essential maxim. How important and necessary this 
maxim is, especially now when the influence of the Steward’s 
Office is become so unbounded, the event soon proved. For 
no sooner was it decisively known which way the partiality 
o£ the Steward pointed, than every mercenary dependant on 
his office, many of whom had also places in Mrs. Bull’s 
Houshold, instantly directed all their efforts to comply with 
it. And the hesitating prostitutes about Mrs. Bull’s Office, 
seeing now from what quarter their gain was sure, emulously 
resigned themselves up to their new paramours. Carly Vulp’s 
oriental Code was thrown out in the Upper Chamber of Mrs. 
Bull’s Office. And, as the whole was a work of darkness, 
lie had orders sent him at midnight to deliver up his keys as 
Major Domo; and so was, with all his colleagues, dismissed 
the Steward’s Office : and the keys were soon after delivered 
to his rival Billy Badspeed. 

This Billy Badspeed was the youngest son of the celebrated 
Sir William Speedwell. The change of the name must 
probably be referred to a change in the characteristic of the 
Family; of which, pregnant proofs will hereafter occur in 
abundance. Billy being a parlous, sprightly, procacious boy, 


156 


his father had conceived a high opinion of his capacity; and 
had himself bestowed great pains upon his early education. 
And had his father lived to have guided his steps, and fixed 
his principles, till he had arrived at maturity of judgment, 
perhaps he might not altogether have disappointed the hopes 
that were formed of him. But alas! Billy had scarcely him¬ 
self emerged from pupilage, when, by a strange conjuncture 
of circumstances, unfortunately both for himself and them, 
the pupilage of the whole Bull Family was most prepos¬ 
terously committed to his charge. That any thing so absurd, 
any thing so contrary to reason and common sense, could 
ever have happened, can only be accounted for from that 
contempt of reason and common sense with which the busi¬ 
ness of Stewardships are often conducted. 

One of no ordinary judgment and experience* has observ¬ 
ed, that ‘ it is wonderful to see by how small a portion of 
wisdom the Great Affairs of the world are conducted.’ This 
might be stated still more strongly, and nearer the truth: for 
it is astonishing to see by how much positive and direct folly 
the Great Affairs of the world are often conducted. There 
are ends at which folly may be even the best and surest 
means of arriving. For instance the great object and end so 
unvaryingly and obstinately persisted in through the whole of 
the present Stewardship, has been the perverse and pernicious 

design, to keep John Bull, his family, and affairs, wholly de- 

/ 

pendent upon the Stewardical Junto; or to establish the 
absurd maxim, that John Bull belongs to the Steward, and 
not the Steward to John Bull. With such an end in view, 
to have put affairs in the hands of men of cool wisdom, clear 
judgment, and sound patriotic principles, would have been 
placing the most insurmountable bar in their own way. But 
tor such an end, nothing could be more promising than to put 
such important and extensive affairs into the hands of a con- 

* Supposed to be the late L—d Ch— it—r—-f— Id, 


157 


fident conceited lad ; ambitious enough, and not destitute of 
abilities ; but necessarily void of that knowledge and expe¬ 
rience requisite in such a station; and hence, subject to be 
managed by those who placed him there. 

John Bull had often allowed himself to be gulled both out 
of his money and his understanding, by the sophistry and chi¬ 
canery of the Steward’s Office and Agents; but he never 
professedly resigned his pretensions to be master of his own 
family, and arbiter of his own affairs. And at this time par¬ 
ticularly, when the ignorance and obstinacy of the Steward’s 
Office had confessedly brought him to the very brink of ruin, 
the family seemed for a while to have assumed a determina¬ 
tion to retrieve its character, and affairs ; the Steward’s Office 
therefore found it necessary seemingly to keep some measures 
with them. 

Of all the Agents who had ever conducted the affairs of 
the Albion Manor old Sir William Speedwell had been, and 
deservedly, the greatest favourite with the Bull Family. And 
his son Billy being, as we have said, a prompt procacious, 
promising lad, they early discovered a great partiality for him. 
Billy himself set out with high pretensions to patriotic princi¬ 
ple, and with all the ardour of youth, affected to emulate the 
zeal and independent spirit of his father. 

The great object of the Bull Family at this time was to 
set limits to the boundless influence and extravagant profusion 
of the Steward’s Office and Agents, w ho had corrupted and 
perverted almost the whole inhabitants of the Manor. And 
as it was known that the only means to effect this would be, 
to put a stop to that notorious and infamous Commerce of 
Prostitution carried on between the Steward’s Office and 
Mrs. Bull’s Houshold—for this necessary and essential object 
Billy professed the most ardent zeal: and on their opinion of 
this zeal, rested, principally, his pretensions to the confidence 
end partiality of the family. 


i 


158 


From liis first starting there was, as we have hinted, a pro¬ 
fessed rivalship between Billy Badspeed and Carly \ ulp, 
both in respect to public fame, and the family favour. In¬ 
deed, Billy, whose self-confidence was at least equal to his 
abilities, seemed to single out Carly as the only antagonist 
worthy of his ambition to cope with. These rivals, then, for 
the family favour, both rested their claims on their zeal for 
the Bull Family, and especially on their pledged efforts to 
purify the Palaverium, and expel prostitution from Mrs. 
Bull’s Houshold. 

The Steward’s Junto being at this time under the utmost 
embarrassment and alarm least they should lose their Gull; 
least the Goose that laid the golden eggs should get out ot 
their hands, raise her wings and mount beyond their reach, 
conceived that it would be highly important for them to se¬ 
cure, if possible, one of the Family favourites. Carly Vulp 
had age and experience; was known to be firm, faithful, and 
determined, from an innate principle of freedom, an in¬ 
dependent mind ; and from an unshaken conviction, that such 
freedom and independence was the genuine and indefeasible 
principle of the custom and constitution of the Manor of 
Great Albion; and that he who could consent to betray that 
principle in compliance with the mean selfish designs of a 
Steward’s Office, was unw orthy the name of the Bull Family. 
Carlv being known to be thus altogether determined and un- 
tractable, Billy was fixed opon as the proper object for the 
designs of the Steward’s Office. The conjunction between 
the Vulpian and Borean party we have already hinted at as 
a false step in the former. And this Billy, backed by all the 
influence of the Junto and Steward’s Office, did not fail to 
make a most notable use of to exalt himself, and to depress 
his rival. 

As vanity aud self-confidence were Billy’s distinguishing 
characteristics, nothing less would satisfy him than to be 


159 


Major Domo; a presumption, in a mere lad as lie was, 
hardly to be paralleled. But Billy knew his price, and the 
advantage of the time. He knew that at this juncture, the 
confidence of the Family was absolutely necessary to the 
Junto, to enable them to carry their designs : and the degree 
of favour he was conscious he stood in, more on account of 
his father’s name and memory than even of his own early 
promise, encouraged him to stand to his terms :—and he ob¬ 
tained them. 

But a great and important point was still in suspense. 
Without the voice of the Lower Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s 
Office no business could go on; and in this the opposite 
party had still a strong corps. The oriental regulation Code 
being a measure of pressing necessity, and one in which the 
Vulpian party had already been defeated, it was resolved to 
make the first trial of their strength upon that point. Billy 
affected to present a new Code; but one which was in effect 
nearly the same with Gariy’s. He availed himself of all the 
sound judgment and prudent provisions of Carly’s system; 
and the only thing new, and properly his own, was, in order 
to render it more subservient to the all-overwhelming influence 
of the Steward’s Office,—that all the appointments and 
patronage, which Carly meant to retain in the Palaverium, 
on the Family itself, were by Billy’s Code vested in the 
Steward’s Office and Agents. Thus, by the man who set out 
with professions of the utmost zeal for contracting the per¬ 
nicious and overgrown influence of the Steward’s Office, a 
new, additional, and extensive, field for the operation of that 
influence, and for diffusing corruption was opened: for by 
this system a new Board of Commissioners was establish¬ 
ed, with large stipends at the appointment of the Steward; 
besides innumerable subordinate appointments and places. 
The danger of these was indeed the point for which Carly 
had been dismissed; and the securing them the service for 


I 


160 

which Billy had been called in. And having by the support 
of the prostitutes of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, who now knew 
which way the partiality of the Steward’s Office pointed^ 
carried his point, and performed this service Billy was con¬ 
sidered as fixed in his office of Major Domo. 

But Billy still acted under much embarrassment. The 
office of Major Domo and that of Pimp in Ordinary, or 
Keeper of the Harem, had generally been considered as essen¬ 
tially connected. Now Billy had set out with professions of 
the most flaming zeal for the interest and honour of John 
Bull, and especially for the purifying of Mrs. Bull’s Hous¬ 
hold, and the expulsion of prostitution and prostitutes from 
the Lower Chamber of her office. With what countenance, 
then, could he now present himself as the prime promoter 
and conductor of that prostitution ! u Thou that sayest, Thou 
shalt not commit adultery; dost thou commit adultery ?” 

Billy, indeed, at first, not only affected great purity of man¬ 
ners in his own character, but pretended to carry on the 
business of the office, and the affairs of Mrs. Bull’s Hous¬ 
hold independent of pimping and prostitution ; and to set all 
the mercenary drabs at defiance. Nay, so far did he carry 
it, that w hen soon after his assumption of the office, a certain 
place fell vacant, which according to the usual course of 
business might have secured one or two fresh persons' to the 
Seraglio; instead of so applying it, he actually gave it to a 
worthy old Servant of the Family to take off an annuity for 
life which he deservedly enjoyed ; thereby lessening the Family 
expences. This, it must be acknowledged, was an unusual 
instance of one in Billy’s station. But this, I believe, is the 
only instance of the kind that can be laid to his charge. He 
soon found that he could not afford to be thus shy of exhibit¬ 
ing himself in his station of Pimp General. 

In the mean time, Billy presented a singular, and almost 
unparalleled, phenomenon in the Bull affairs—a Major Domo 


161 


persisting to keep his place with the voice of the Palaveriuifi 
frequently against him. But Billy had tasted of the fruits of 
the Steward’s Office, and found them of an excellent flavour; 
and free without stint to those who could comply with the 
terms on which they were bestowed ; and thought such valua¬ 
ble advantages were not to be thrown away for a point of idle 
delicacy. It is true, they had been purchased at the expense 
of his honour, and of his fidelity to the cause and party by 
whom he had been raised into notice. And, whether or not 
Bill had examined the capacity and pretensions of hotiour, 
with as much particularity as the fat fellow in the play, it is 
certain he had as clearly discovered, that it did not suit him 
on the present occasion to have any thing to do with it. He 
knew very well that honour would not recommend him to a 
place or power in the Steward’s Counsel. And he knew, 
equally well, that the want of it would never be objected to 
him by those with whom his business, as Major Homo, 
chiefly lay. As to his other function of Pimp in Ordinary, 
the exercise of which he would at this time indeed willingly 
have dissembled—the very name and station excludes every 
idea and pretension to honour. 

But though Billy had reconciled himself to all this, yet he 
still had great difficulties to contend with; especially in the 
management of the Lower Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s Office ; 
which was considered as the peculiar province of the Major 
Homo. It may well be supposed, that a body presumed to 
consist of the wisest, the ablest, and the most experienced, 
persons of the Bull Family, would not be readily responsive 
to the regimen of an ambitious presumptuous boy. 

It is true, the entire dismission of the present set was 
already fully determined upon; but there were some things 
of immediate importance to be settled, which could not wait 
the dismission and re-assembling ol another Iloushold. Par¬ 
ticularly—we have often mentioned constables, bailifts, bullies, 

VOL. it. M 


162 


and bravos; a set of people of great efficiency and impor¬ 
tance in the hand of a Steward. Such people are now be¬ 
come necessary on every well regulated Manor. But as on 
Bull Manor they are entirely at the disposal of the Steward, 
the Family have always been jealous of the use he might 
make of them; and therefore the law by which they exist, 
are regulated, and paid, is never sanctioned for more than 
a year at a time ; and before it expire, re-enacted for another 
year. This law was just on the point of expiring, and Billy 
dreaded to propose the renewing of it in the present disposi¬ 
tion of the Palaverium, yet durst not dismiss them till it was 
renewed; as the expiration of such a law would unavoidably 
have involved every thing in confusion and ruin. 

But it would seem that Billy had some confidence, that 
virtue and patriotism might still subsist in others, which he 
was conscious he had forfeited himself; for presuming that 
the sane part of the Palaverium would not hazard so despe¬ 
rate a step, as to let the old law expire without a new one; 
and sure that he could command all the prostitute part; he 
ventured, after much doubt, hesitation, and tampering, to 
propose renewing the law. 

The Palaverium passed tfie law ; and its work being done, 
it was knocked on the head. Or in other words, Mrs. Bull's 
Office was dissolved, and her whole Houshold turned out of 
doors. 

The great concern now of the Steward’s Office and all its 
Agents of every description, was to get the Lower Chamber 
of Mrs. Bull’s Hoyshold filled with tractable tools. With 
this view, every engine that could be rendered useful was put 
in motion, through the whole extent of the Manor, to pro¬ 
cure the return of the most mercenary prostitutes; and to 
exclude all who were not ready to set their honour and virtue 
at a price. And though by the Constitution of the Manor 
the members of this Chamber are all to be chosen by the free 


163 


votes of the Family; yet many places had so fallen under the 
influence of the Steward’s Office or Agents, that no choice, 
or pretence of a choice was allowed ; and for all these places 
the most known and abandoned prostitutes were sure to be 
returned. And throughout the whole Manor the influence of 
the Steward, and of those who acted for him, or had ex¬ 
pectations from him, was so extensive, and so industriously 
used to procure marketable ware, that when the new Hous- 
hold met, Billy, as Pimp in Ordinary, had a sufficient number 
of impures at his call. 

But Billy, as we have said, had set out with professions of 
the most flaming zeal for the interests and honour of the Bull 
Family; and especially for purging Mrs. Bull’s Houshold of 
prostitution. It was upon these principles that his party had 
supported him; to these principles he had pledged himself; 
and to these he still found it necessary to pretend to adhere. 
And Billy having now a Palaverium entirely at his disposal, 
there can be no doubt but a purgation must effectually take 
place. And those prostitutes who had been with so much 
industry procured for the present Houshold, would, no doubt, 
take special care that none of the same stamp should ever 
obtain admission there again. 

Billy knew all this must be expected of him, and affected 
with a grave countenance to set about it. Those impures 
must be purged. Be it so. A strong cathartic draught was 
accordingly prepared by Billy himself; # and having instructed 
his confidants that he expected them to spurn at the dose, 
and kick the cup from their lips, he with great formality set 
about the administering of it; but not a drop would go down. 
Billy shook his head ! What could he do ? He had no right 
to funnel them, or force it down their throats. You see, says 
Billy, it won’t go down: the poor creatures stomachs won’t 
receive it. But to drop all figure. Though Billy now neither 

* Motion for a Reform of Parliament,— Fret. Com . 


164 


wished, nor intended, any reformation in Mrs. Bull s Hous- 
hold, he with great formality prepared a law for that purpose; 
and having tutored his confidants m their part, he himself not 
only proposed it to the Palaverium, but affected to make one 
of his fine speeches to recommend it. 1 lie farce closed as 
was intended, and indeed secured before hand, in the entire 
rejection of tlie law. 

From this time Billy found it less necessary to be profuse 
of his professions of patriotism and purity, though he still 
occasionally affected those principles; and sometimes even 
seemed disposed to act upon them. And there can be no 
doubt, but in his judgment and conscience he approved them. 
But he was also conscious that they were altogether incom¬ 
patible with what was expected from him, in that station 
which he had assumed; and which his ambition made him 
resolve to retain. Thus Billy from henceforth went on like 
those people who u feared the Lord, and served their ow n 
gods.” 

The Manor and people upon it had now r been for some 
time in a state of quietness and tranquillity, free from quarrels 
among themselves, and lawsuits with their neighbours. And 
through the natural activity aud industry of the people, had 
begun to recover themselves from that almost desperate state 
in which the Columbian lawsuit had left them. The Family 
knew r well from experience, that their truest interest, and best 
pursuit, was, to extend their trade, to improve their manufac¬ 
tures, and to cultivate their Farms., And in all these, by their 
natural vigour and ingenuity, they made a surprising progress. 
And as Billy was now considered as the prime Agent in all 
affairs of the Manor, no little credit, and even applause, w ; as 
ascribed to him, lor allowing them to thrive. For in fact his 
greatest merit in the matter w as, that of doing little harm. 
Indeed, such is the active and enterprising spirit of the 
Family; and so well is it regulated by that steady coolness 


1(35 


and good sense, which is necessary to render enterprise suc¬ 
cessful, that scarce any thing but the forbearance of the Stew¬ 
ard’s Office and Agents is wanting, to keep the Manor and 

< 

Family always in a thriving and prosperous condition. And 
this prosperous tranquillity might have continued unto this 
day, but for the ignorance, the folly, the madness, the wicked¬ 
ness, of the Steward’s Office; and especially the emulous 
ambition of Billy Badspeed. 

Billy, as we have said, had no little merit allowed him in 
the recovered and hopeful state in which the Albion Manor, 
and Bull Family now stood. And Billy’s modesty did not 
stand in the way of his assuming to the full all that was allow¬ 
ed him. But all this, instead of satisfying his ambition, only 
excited him to aspire at what he thought alone wanting to 
crown his fame; the conducting of a successful lawsuit. It 
was from this that Sir William, his father, derived his greatest 
reputation; and Billy had such confidence in his own fortune 
and abilities, that he thought he wanted nothing but an oppor¬ 
tunity to arrive at this highest point of distinction and fame ; 
and to equal his Father in the zenith of his reputation and glory. 

Billy did not discern the different grounds his Father and 
he stood upon. His leather possessed such powers of mind, 
such a commanding spirit, that instead of subjecting himself 
and his measures to the narrow, partial, and perverted views, 
of a Steward’s Office and Steward’s Agents, he was able to 
make both bend to his superior parts and capacity. But 
Billy had already condescended to become an implement; he 
had already bent the neck and received the yoke; nor could 
he ever afterwards shake it off, or act in a higher capacity 
than that of an instrument in the hand of others. Had Billy 
maintained the attitude with which he at first presented him¬ 
self to the Bull Family, and preserved their opinion and par¬ 
tiality, he might perhaps in time have rivaled his Father. He 
could, now, never be more than a tool of office. 


166 


However, so intent was Badspeed on trying his talents in 
this way, that, not having occasion given him ; as the fellow 
in the play says—he took it where it was not given. And the 
consequence has been, to cost him his life, through vexation, 
insufficiency, and disappointment; with the lives of millions 
beside; each of whom might have been of more use and im¬ 
portance in the estimation of nature and reason, than he and 
all his abettors ; than all the Stewards and Steward’s irnpli- 
ments in the world. And his ambition, has, beside, blasted 
all the fresh blowing hopes of the Bull Family, and brought 
the Manor of Great Albion and its inhabitants to the brink 
of fate: and what the final event may be, is yet unknow n; 
for ,—ad hue sub judice lis est —the cause is still undeter¬ 
mined ; the work of blood, execution, and destruction, is still 
going on. 

But here it will be necessary to stop and look back a little, 
and even beyond the affairs of the Bull Family, 





BOOK X. 


\ 


Chap. I. 


Contents.— The final Issue of the late Columbian Lawsuit, excites a 
spirit of Inquiry into the foundation of Stewardical Claims in 
general:—this Spirit particularly diffuses itself over the Frank land 
Manor, where those Claims had been most highly strained, and most 
grossly abused.—A Reform attempted,—at first with seeming suc¬ 
cess :—but frustrated by the perfidious Arts of the Steward’s Office, 
and the impatient Resentment of the Folk on the Manor:—Who, 
provoked to madness, dispatch their Steward and Stewardess,—and 
ppll down their old Mansion House before they lead provided another 
to shelter themselves in.—John Bull shews some disposition to look 
into his own Affairs :—the Steward’s Office take the Alarm:—affect 
to suspect John Bull of Lunacy;—and with the consent of his own 
treacherous Representatives, clap a gag in his mouth, to prevent his 
warning the Family of their designs. 



E unjust and unnatural pretensions of the Bull Stew¬ 


ard and Palaverium, absolutely to dispose of the Columbians 


and all their concerns, in all cases whatsoever, was a claim, 
the situation of the two Manors considered, exceeding both 
in tyranny and folly, perhaps, the utmost stretch of power, 
or possession, ever aimed at, or heard of before. The extra¬ 
vagance of this claim, not only compelled the Columbians to 
stand on their defence, and resist such boundless pretensions; 
but led men of thought and consideration to look into the 
grounds and principles of this pretended absolute power and 




168 


right: and this inquiry naturally led to examine the power 
and authority claimed, aud assumed by Stewards and their 
Agents in general ; what foundation it rested on ; and by 
what means it had risen to such enormous pretensions. But 
previous to this, a still more general and important inquiry 
occurred to be made. What are the original and natural 
rights of man,—of every individual ? And how these came 
to be almost entirely lost, and engrossed into the hands of 
Stewards and their implements. 

It is not our business here, to enter into this inquiry ; it 
has been sufficiently, and effectually, done by others; and 
the event, is,—that it has been clearly found, that all these ex¬ 
travagant claims and pretensions, are mere usurpations , by 
the successive encroachments of Stewards and their Agents, 
upon the rights and privileges of the inhabitants of the Ma¬ 
nors committed to their charge; which they have now almost 
every where seized into their own hands. One of the weak¬ 
est of the whole race of Albion Stewards, when the Bull 
Family laid claim to any rights or privileges, used to hold 
forth,—that all such privileges were either surreptitious advan¬ 
tages, usurped from his ancestors; or, voluntary indulgences 
granted by them. Wretched dupe of Stewardical vanity ! 
Where did his ancestors obtain that absolute possession of 
all the persons, property, and privileges of the inhabitants of 

Great Albion, that those inhabitants should hold themselves 
■ / 
and all they possess, merely as the indulgent grant of him and 

his ancestors? Or, is not the direct rexerse die truth of the 

case ? And is not the indisputable fact, that all the power, 

and all the authority of the Steward, really has not, nor can 

have, any other foundation, than the voluntary choice, grant, 

and concession of the Bull and Caledonian Families : and 

every claim beyond what is thus granted, or upon any other 

foundation, is mere encroachment , usurpation , and tyranny. 

Inquiry on this subject, being, as we have said, once set 


I 


169 

'Oil foot; and being one not of difficult or abstract reasoning, 
but ol facts that lay open to every one’s observation, and in 
which every man found himself interested, the solution was 
easy and clear; and the sentiments excited by it, soon spread 
far and wide : but they were especially welcomed, admired, 
and approved by the volatile Franks ; and diffused themselves 
with boundless influence over the Manor of Lewis Baboon. 

Lewis and his people, eager to be revenged on the Bull 
Family, for the loss and disgrace of the last great lawsuit, 
had readily agreed to assist the Columbians in their quarrel 
with the Bull Steward and his Abettors. In consequence of 
this, great numbers of Lewis’ people were sent, or permitted 
to make their way to Columbia. Here they imbibed largely 
those sentiments of right and freedom so natural to man : 
and which they admired, and embraced the more eagerly, 
that they were, however natural, entirely new and strange to 
them : for no people on the earth had been more unmercifully 
pillaged, or more completely inslaved by their Stewards, than 
the Franks by the Baboon race. But though none have sub¬ 
mitted, and do submit, with less complaint and repugnance to 
every obtruder and usurper ; yet have that people, with all 
their frivolity and nonchalence, something noble, generous, 
and allied to freedom in their genius and character; and they 
could not but admire, and approve those sentiments, which 
they saw so enthusiastically, and successfully maintained by 
the Columbians. ' 

On the conclusion of the Columbian lawsuit many of 
those Franks returning to their own Manor, carried back with 
them those enlarged and enlightened sentiments, which they 
had imbibed in Columbia; and they soon diffused themselves 
among all ranks on the Frankland Manor. 

The Steward, or rather Possessor, of the Frankland Ma¬ 
nor at this time was Lewis Seizieme, ft weak, easy, good-na¬ 
tured soul; one, who would have been a good and contented 


170 


\ # 

man in almost any other station than that of a Steward : 
One, from whom great and permanent advantages for the 
Manor and people upon it might have been obtained, had the 
attempt been made, and carried through, by persons of good 
design and sound understanding. And some such did, cer¬ 
tainly, at first engage in it, and began a work of great and 
glorious promise. But alas ! those were soon thrust out by 
the bold, obtrusive, selfish, sons of violence and ambition, 
who soon turned all into confusion and misery beyond des¬ 
cription : and in the course of their proceedings, brought poor 
Lewis and his Family to the gallows, or rather the gulletine ; 
an instrument, I suppose, so named from its use, to cut 
throats or chop off heads. 

But of those matters a little more particularly.—The 
boundless and long continued profusion, luxury, and profli¬ 
gacy of the Baboon Family, had reduced the Franks and 
their affairs to a state of bankruptcy and ruin, altogether 
hopeless and irretrievable in the ordinary way of business. 
The people on the Manor had caught the contagion of liberty 
from their intercourse with Columbia; and even from their 
neighbourhood to Albion ; where that principle had long 
been well understood and cultivated in theory; however be¬ 
trayed and abused in practice. The Franks having thus got 
an inkling that they had some right or property in themselves, 
contrary to what had all along been assumed and allowed on 
the Frankland Manor by the Steward and his parasites,* they 
began to look about for the means of asserting those rights: 
and it was determined that the whole inhabitants of the Ma- 

* 11 It is true,” says the Prime Agents of Lewis Le Grand ,— (i It is true, 
that all your subjects, whatever they be, owe to you their persons, their 
goods, their blood, their lives, without the least pretension to any rigljl in 
themselves. In sacrificing all that they have to you, they only perform 
their duty, and confer nothing on you, since all belongs to you.’* 

The above, by the despicable parasite of Lewis Le Grand, is, I think, 
the most candid and explicit avowal of the full extent of genuine Stew- 



171 


nor should choose certain Delegates to represent them ; who 
should meet in one general Assembly, and settle on anew and 
rational tooting every thing that concerned the M anor and the 
people upon it. And to this the good natured Lewis readily 
consented. 

Such an Assembly, accordingly, was chosen, and met; and 
with wonderful judgment and discretion, for a tirst sketch, 
drew T up a new system of laws, customs, and institutions for 
the whole Manor : but one which was, no doubt, capable of, 
and even required, much improvement and alteration from use 
and experience. 

To all this Lewis easily, and probably very honestly, ac¬ 
commodated himself. But Lewis, like every Steward, had 
about him a set of proud, ill-designing, mercenary parasites, 
who could not submit to see themselves reduced to a level 
with the rest of mankind. And especially the Stewardess, 
Lewis’ wife, as Stewards’ wives often are, was a selhsh, proud, 
meddling woman, a sister of Squire South’s, a family who 
have long been in the habit of considering mankind as only 
made for their grandeur : and hence, through pride and high¬ 
ness, are nearly below all the ends and uses of humanity. 
This woman, with the parasites above described, managing 
poor Lewis at their will, contrived by secret intrigue and 
treachery, to oppose and frustrate every thing that was done 
or designed by the Assembly for the good and contentment 
of the people. 

The Assembly considered the Steward merely as a Stew¬ 
ard ; but treated him with all the respect and deference due 

ardic pretensions that I have any where met with. Yet this may be called 
the avowal of an honest man ; who neither dissembles the debasement 
of his own character, nor the atrocity of his designs with respect to 
others. Whilst those in the same station, and intent on the same designs 
about the Bull Steward, still affect to talk of Albion Liberty, and the 
Bull Constitution 3 like traitorous knaves, as they are.— Editor. 


172 


to that important and highly trusted character. But all this 
the Stewardess and her Associates looked on with the highest 
contempt and indignation ; and were constant and unwearied 
in their arts and intrigues, secretly to counteract every design 
and measure for the emancipation and improvement of the 
Frankland Family; and to bribe and seduce from them 
their ablest and most zealous defenders ; and this, under pre¬ 
tence that they might conduct the affairs of the Stewardship 
more conformably to the popular principles; but in fact, 
with design to corrupt those principles, in which they were in 
general too successful. By these means the people became 
irritated and provoked; and now first began to fail in that 
respect and deference they had hitherto paid to the Steward ; 
and then, by degrees, to withdraw all respect and regard what¬ 
soever : and at last they brought both him and the wretched 
Stewardess to their gulletine, and actually chopped off' their 
heads. 

In the mean time, the Bull Family, and the Bull Steward’s 
Office, looked on these transactions among their neighbours 
each with a very different eye. John Bull was a generous, 
honest, open hearted fellow ; and though abundantly emulous 
of distinction, no man was more free from envy or jealousy: 
he saw, therefore, with much satisfaction, his neighbours 
likely to better their condition, and free themselves from that 
degrading vassalage to their own Stewards, in which they had 
been so long held; and heartily congratulated them upon the 

* m t 

subject. 

But John’s Steward’s Office, and their Junto, contemplated 
all this with very different sentiments. To them, nothing 
could be more alarming, nothing more abhorrent from their 
principles, than the idea of any restraint, of any accounta- 
bleness in the Stewardic character, obtaining a footing 
among the people on the Manor: but far less could they di¬ 
gest the thought of the proprietors, holders, and inhabitants 


173 


of a Manor prescribing laws and customs, and fixing even to 
Stewards the claims and rights, which in reason and justice, 
belonged to them. It is true, by the Albion Constitution 
there were already many such laws and customs in force ; 
but by the influence of that Commerce of Prostitution and 
Adultery carried on between the Steward’s Office and Mrs. 
Bull’s Houshold, they were in operation as much dead and 
defunct, as if they had never existed ; and the Steward’s autho¬ 
rity, in effect, more absolute than the most unlimited despot 
without such could ever have exercised : nay, even the know¬ 
ledge of these rights and claims was very confined and indis¬ 
tinct among the people on the Manor ; a defect, which it 
was the interest and concern of the Steward’s Office to pro¬ 
long and increase ; and which every agitation of the subject 
was likely to counteract; a defect, which it is the sole design 
of these Memoirs to supply. , 

And now, by a kind of reaction, the very contagion which 
had been caught partly from the Bull Family by the Franks, 
seemed to be conveyed back with redoubled force, and had 
aroused a spirit truly alarming to the abettors of Stewardical 
usurpation. Societies and institutions had been formed for 
constitutional intelligence, and for diffusing among the inha¬ 
bitants of the Manor in general a knowledge of the essential 
laws and principles on which their rights and privileges de¬ 
pended ; and for correcting and restraining those inveterate 
abuses which had heen ingrafted upon, and grow n up with 
the exercise of the Stewardship. In short, the boundless per¬ 
versions and corruptions, that had gained footing in the exer¬ 
cise of the Stewardship, had got to such a head, and had exci¬ 
ted such a sensation, as had diffused itself through all ranks 
and descriptions of persons on the Manor : and the una¬ 
voidable alternative of reform or ruin, w 7 as evident to every 
one, except those who were interested in those abuses, and 
united in a conspiracy to protect and defend them. 


174 


And so great was the alarm on this occasion, and so sensi¬ 
ble were the satellites of the Steward’s Office and advocates 
for abuse of the reason and justice of that spirit, and of 
those principles which began to operate, and so convinced 
that it would be in vain to attempt to oppose them by argu¬ 
ments or reason, that a proclamation and mandate were sent 
abroad, through the whole Manor, for the eutire suppression 
of all such principles. By this instrument the very first mo¬ 
tions, the very conception of the spirit and principles of 
freedom were absolutely prohibited ; the very thought, name, 
or idea of rights of men, or even of man , in the abstract, 
were reprobated and condemned; the very mention of cor¬ 
ruptions and abuses, or restraint and reform, were made 
crimes, for which several of the best and most faithful 
of the Bull and Caledon Families were actually tried for 
their lives. And to buy or sell, to read or hear,’ or even 
to have in possession any thing that had been said or 
written on the subject of any claims or pretensions to rights 
in man, was subjected to the severest penalties. In a word, 
every thing that might even suggest the idea of such a subject 
was denounced as damnable, was tabooed ,—with a “ touch 
not, taste not, handle not.” 

Nothing can more strongly demonstrate the indisputable 
truth and certainty of those principles, and the consciousness 
of their essential inherence in the Bull Constitution, than 
those jealous and anxious efforts to suppress and exterminate 
the very name and mention of them from off the Manor. 
Had it been a matter capable of dispute, or that could have 
been disguised or eluded by sophistry or false reasoning, they 
could have commanded the tongues and pens of a mercenary 
train, abundantly both able and willing to confound right and 
wrong, and to make the worse appear the better reasoning, 
where it could be done. But this was a matter too plain and 
too palpable to common sense, to be suppressed by any 


175 


other means than keeping it entirely out of sight, or by the 
iron rod of power. But what is, perhaps, the most surpri¬ 
sing thing in this affair, is, that the Bull Family really sub¬ 
mitted to all this : but the truth is, their own prostitute repre¬ 
sentatives betrayed them ; and they had no remedy, except 
they would rashly pull down their own house about their 
ears, as the mad Franks soon after did : and for this they had 
too much sound sense. 

But besides the aroused sense of indisputable claims of 
rights, with respect to themselves, so alarming to the Stew¬ 
ard’s Office, the Bull Family had shewn too much interest 
in, and too much approbation of, the successful efforts hi¬ 
therto made by their neighbours, the Franks, in emancipating 
themselves from the usurpations and domination of their 
Stewards. They had sent them congratulations on the occa¬ 
sion, and had celebrated some of their more distinguished 
successes by rejoicings and public festivals. Nothing could 
be more grating to the feelings, or more alarming to the ap¬ 
prehensions, of conscious Stewardical usurpation, and its 
tools, than such indications. 

Upon occasion of the anniversary celebration of one of 
those festivals on the Bull Manor, the emissaries of the 
Steward’s Office, set on the mob to attack the houses, break 
the windows, and assault the companies met for social enjoy¬ 
ment. From this they were encouraged to set tire to the 
houses, and rifle the goods of such as were suspected of being 
most favourable to the principles of freedom, and the rights 
of the Family, in opposition to Stewardical encroachment. 
And thus, for several days they went on wasting, plundering, 
and burning the houses, farms, and mansions of all who were 
obnoxious to their resentment, jealousy, or suspicion. 

If it is considered upon what motives, and by what agency 
and influence the above atrodties were committed, perhaps 
another such unprincipled aud profligate transaction is not to 

V ' 




176 


be found in the records of any cultivated Manor, or civilized 
people. And when their wretched tools had finished the 
work they had been set upon, another set of more manage¬ 
able tools, were employed to punish, and execute upon the 
first, those laws which they had been excited to violate. And 
numbers of them were hanged, without their unprincipled 
instigators showing the least remorse, or concern. And the 
innocent inhabitants of the district, by a law of the Manor, 
were obligated to pay for all the waste and devastation they 
had at the others instigation committed. 

But now the rash and unexperienced Franks, accustomed 
to acknowledge no restraint but the arbitrary will of their 
Stewards, having burst that band, knew no measure nor 
bounds in their conduct and actions: and provoked by the 
arts and intrigues of the Steward’s Office and Agents, and 
instigated by some demons of desperate wickedness among 
themselves, they proceeded to the most shocking and unheard 
of atrocities. Incited by these demons, under pretence 
of striking terror into dangerous designs, they hunted down 
and destroyed every man suspected of reason, moderation, or 
a partiality for order and humanity. They*, as we have said, 
brought both the Steward and Stewardess to their gulletine. 
Poor harmless Lewis on this occasion conducted himself with 
a composure, resignation, and firmness, that seemed to exceed 
his former character. As to the wretched Stewardess, her 
very being and essence seemed to consist in the pride and pre¬ 
sumption of pompous birth and station; and the indulgence 
of vanity, pleasure, and voluptuousness; for, when stripped 
of these, she is represented to have became a nothing, or at 
best a mere automaton, or breathing machine; and w ith the 
blank insensibility of a moving statue, was carried to the place 
of execution, and underwent her woeful fate. 

Though John Bull and his Family heartily congratulated, 
and sympathised with their neighbours, in th^ir attempts to 


177 


vindicate themselves from the boundless usurpations of their 
Stewards, yet they were not disposed to go all lengths with 
them: and when they saw them run into such excesses, even 
to madness, they begged leave to leave them, till a little ex¬ 
perience might bring them to themselves again. 

In the mean time, John Hull thought it might not be amiss 
to look a little into the affairs of his own Stewardship; 
where, though Stewardical usurpation put on a less assuming 
countenance, and operated more silently, its power was, per¬ 
haps, more extensive, and acted more irresistibly, than in the 
Frankland Manor itself. 

We have already noticed the aroused sense of their rights, 
and of the encroachments made upon them by the Stewards, 
which had at this time excited the attention of the Bull Fa¬ 
mily, and also the alarm which that aroused sense caused in the 
Steward’s Office, from the danger it was supposed to portend to 
Stewardical usurpations. Had the Steward’s Agents possessed 
the understanding or honesty, to have been admonished by 
what was before them, both at home and abroad, they might 
have made this alarm an occasion of security both to them¬ 
selves and the Family for ages. Had they been contented 
with checking the too eager forwardness of rash and mconsi- 
derate reformers, and set themselves timely to examine with 
honest sincerity, the real abuses that bad been introduced into 
the exercise of the Stewardship ; had they corrected and re¬ 
strained those perversions and corruptions of die laws, cus¬ 
toms, and constitution of the Manor, which, were evidently, 
become too gross, and too' palpable, to be either dissembled 
or tolerated : had they shewn a disposition to redress those 
grievances, and to lighten those burdens which were become 
too universal to be eluded, and too heavy and too severely 
felt to be much longer borne; and which, indeed by their 
own natural operation, must soon terminate the course of this 

VOL. II. N 


I 




17a 


infatuated Junto, and subvert the whole order and economy 
of the Stewardship and Manor:—bad the Steward and 
his Agents thus taken the warning that was given them, 
and acted as reason and common sense would have die- 
tated to them, the present general excitement might have 
proved an occasion of great advantage, and of permanent se¬ 
curity, both to the Manor and Stewardship. But the succes¬ 
sive Stewards and their Agents have gone on so long with im¬ 
punity, and met with so little effectual interruption in their 
corrupting and voracious course, that they seem to think 
themselves quite secure ; and the present race seem to have 
forgot that they owe the possession of their station to the 
false security, and incorrigible character of their predecessors ; 
or else, they are resolved to put themselves, the Family, and 
the Manor, all to the hazard, rather than yield one step ; or, 
let the least part of the prey escape, which they think they 
already hold prostrate under their fangs. 

So far, indeed, were the Steward’s Junto from any thought 
of redress, or of resigning any of their usurpations, that 
their whole efforts were directed to restrain John Bull, 
and prevent him from warning his Family, and diffusing 
among them a sense of the insolence and injustice w ith which 
they were treated. For this purpose, they had recourse to a 
most wicked device : they gave out that John was subject to 
fits of insanity; talked of a decree of lunacy; threatened 
phlebotomy, and a straight waistcoat. # But as John was 
sturdy and restive, and by struggling and making a noise under 
their hands, might bring the Family about their ears, it w as 
resolved, as the first and best step to be taken, to clap a gag 
iu his mouth, and a straight waistcoat on his arms. A gag 
and straight waistcoat for the purpose were accordingly in¬ 
vented and prepared by Don Greenfield and Billy Badspeed ; 


* Pitt and Grenville Acts ,—Pvct Com. 


179 

v > 

who, beside the stations of Pimp and Major Domo, could 
acquit himself as a servant of all work, when the Steward 
had occasion for such. These famous inventions, which 
were long in use, were generally known by the names of 
their inventors, and are called the Badspeed and Greenfield 
machines. But the most extraordinary circumstance in this 
affair, and what might give some suspicion, if not of madness, 
yet of idiotism some where, is, that they absolutely persuaded 
John Bull’s \\ ife of the necessity of such instruments, and pre¬ 
vailed on Mrs. Bull’s Houshold to sanction their application, 
and to assist in putting them on. They represented to them 
that they must be sensible that John Bull was naturally exceed¬ 
ingly robustious and headstrong; sometimes got drunk,and then 
w as insupportably noisy and troublesome; w ould cry out rob¬ 
bery, fire, murder, and alarm the w hole neighbourhood, when 
there was not the least danger; and had sometimes disturbed 
and frightened even the Steward’s Office and Family. John, 
perhaps, could not deny the whole of this charge : but though 
he was sensible of his own infirmities, he would never allow 
the necessity of such a remedy as the gag : but his corrupt¬ 
ed Family representatives most traitorously gave their con¬ 
sent to the use of it. it is true, it was set forth that this 
gag would not hinder him from talking in a low voice to a 
small company, but would only check him when he attempt¬ 
ed to raise his voice, and to roar and rant, as they called it, 
obstreperously in a crowd, or great assembly. 

What could John do? Had lie been as far gone, and as 
desperate, either in wickedness, or in folly, as those into 
whose hands he had fallen, he might have raised a rout that 
would have put Stewardship and Manor, and all to the ha¬ 
zard. But he knew that in so doing he must risk the ruin of 
his Family, the devastation of his Estate, and at least a tempo¬ 
rary subversion of all law, order, and economy, on the Manor. 
John, with a considerable dash of the boon companion and 

N 2 


180 


iionchalence on ordinary occasions, had at the bottom a great 
fund of good, natural, solid sense; and when necessary, no 
iiian in the country could better apply it. Indeed, with all 
their pretences of lunacy, it was the persuasion of this sound 
sense in John Bull, which encouraged the Cabal to venture 
on the steps they had taken ; as presuming even this would not 
drive a person of John’s understanding to play so desperate a 
game, as an open and actual quarrel with the Steward’s Office 
must produce. The gag and waistcoat were admitted, only 
upon trial. But it has fared with John Bull as with the 
horse in the fable; lie has scarcely been able to get the 
gag from his mouth, nor his hands from the waistcoat. 

These desperate empirics having thus gotten Old John 
into their hands, pretended sometimes to treat him as a mad¬ 
man, sometimes as a mere child : and were it not for the vil- 
lany of the design, it is a sight that might well excite laugh¬ 
ter, to see John not only going about mumbling with a gag in his 
mouth ; but sometimes, with his grey beard lying under the 
hands of those old women-nurses, with his hands and feet 
swaddled; like a baby in a cradle, while they are bye-byeing, 
hushing, and lulling him to go to sleep, and be quiet, like a 
good child. 

Ou these occasions, John, though by reason of his gag* he 
could not grind his teeth; nor, like the man in the play,‘bite his 
thumb, at them would at times shake his head most emphati¬ 
cally; as much as to say—l know you to be a set of d--d 

knaves ! And though l will not be provoked to ruin my for¬ 
tune and Family on your account, yet when that Family shall 
have become thoroughly sensible of your treachery and base¬ 
ness, woe to die whole set of you ! 

The power of nature and habit in overcoming impedi¬ 
ments, natural or artificial, is wouderful: thus, though the 
gag was long in use, John Bull had, by practice, acquired the 
faculty of speaking pretty loud, and pretty plain, even with 


181 


it ni liis mouth. But as a further security against interrup¬ 
tion, the Steward keeps in constant pay a kind of keeper, set 
over John Bull, and as a watcher, spy, or general accuser of 
the Family, whom some have called the Steward’s Devil ; 
but, for my part, 1 would rather call him the Steward’s Cat; 
the ofhce is too tame for a devil, as his business is to sit at 
watch lor every peep, motion, or mutter of any one of the Fa- 
mily; and on the least stir, to seize the wretchedvictims, and clap 
over them a stone mask, through which they can neither be 
heard nor seen, nor can even move themselves, for months and 
years together. One Sir Deputy Gib-cat, an excellent 
mouser, long held this ofhce. In one point of view, in the 
present instance, there may, indeed, be some propriety in the 
allusion to the devil; for as the devil himself is supposed to 
have been once an angel of light, and to have fallen through 
ambition and lust of power, so this Sir Deputy Gib-cat, 
through the same impulse, from the character of a successful 
defender of the persons and rights of the Bull Family, has 
fallen, or rather chosen to descend, to be cat’s paw to the 
Steward : a preference surely allied to his who chose ra¬ 
ther “ to rule in hell, than serve in heaven as a reward for 
which condescension, he is now become very plump and sleek, 
and his fur as fine as ermine. 

But beside the efforts made by John himself, some of the 
most honest and intrepid of his Family have spoken pretty 
loud, and pretty plainly in his behalf: for which, indeed, they 
have paid soundly both in their persons and purses. But 
those whom so just and so generous a cause excite and ani¬ 
mate, set at nought such narrow and selfish considerations ; 
which only serve to give wings and force to their exposures, 
which otherwise, would scarce have reached beyond the nar¬ 
row circle of their friends and encouragers. 

And, perhaps, no one has contributed more to diffuse the 
knowledge of these insolent and enormous abuses, to impress 


] <32 


the necessity of a reform, or to accelerate the catastrophe in 
which they must otherwise close, than the above Sir Deputy 
Gib-cat, by his zealous watchfulness. Among those distin¬ 
guished on this occasion, two Hunting-horns have blown 
some pretty loud blasts, which have not been without impres¬ 
sion both on the Bull Family, and the Steward’s Office. 
They have shrewdly examined some points, which it was well 
known will not bear examination. Two White-boys too, I 
believe they are not of Brother Pat’s Family, in the character 
of genuine Independent Whiners, have attempted to maintain 
such doctrines as our present professed Whiners, for we are 
all Whiners, are very unwilling to acquiesce in. One Dar- 
kard, too, like Lucus a non JLucendo, has thrown much light 
on the subject. 

We must now once more take a peep at the Frankland 
affairs. It happened to poor Jean Frank, as to an imprudent 
heir just come of age, fond of freedom, but incapable of 
using itwho, not liking the old mansion house, determined 
to build a very line new one; but most preposterously pulled 
down the old before he had provided any other habitation for 
himself and Family to shelter their heads under. Just so it 
fared with the unfortunate Frankland Family. The resolution 
being taken to puli down and rebuild the mansion house, of 
which the defects and faults were, indeed, too glaring, and too 
numerous, the whole Family, like so many madmen, on the 
very approach of a most threatening and stormy season, without 
the least provision for shelter or habitation, set to pulling down 
at random without caution or judgment; so that the Family 
soon not only had no house, to put their heads in, but numbers 
of them had been crushed to death in the ruins, by their mad and 
precipitate manner of pulling down the old house, by beginning 
at the foundation. But to quit metaphor. The Franks having 
rid themselves of their old Steward, in die manner we have 
related j and ah the laws, customs, and authority on the 


183 


Manor being, as it were, dissolved at once ; the whole Family 
seem to have been seized with a kind of frenzy, or epidemical 
madness. 


Ciiap. II. 


Contents.— Lilly Rarlspeed, like an ignorant boy, as he was, chooses 
this state oi things, when all their energies were aroused even to 
madness, to provoke and quarrel with the Frankland Familya 
ruinous Lawsuit ensues:—Who chosen as Chief Attorney to conduct 
the Cause ;—its disastrous Events. 



finding no good was to be done with his 


neighbour, Frank, in this nntractable state, thought it best to 
leave him to himself, lint this state in which John Bull 


thought lit to leave his neighbour, was the very one in which 


the Steward and his Cabal thought lit to take him up ; for 
now, said they, we shall have an opportunity of handling him 
to some purpose : and to some purpose they did handle him ; 
but a very different one from wliat they proposed. 

Had those conceited meddlers not been ignorant, even to 
infatuation and idiotism, they might have known that this 
excited half mad state, chafed in their minds like a bear rob¬ 
bed of her whelps , is the state in which every creature is most 
dangerous to be meddled with, and capable of exertions 
even beyond its strength, beyond its nature. But common 
sense is a qualification not often to be found, and still oftener 
not to be used, in the station we are treating of: and our pre¬ 
sent subjects gave the most palpable display of their want of 
it; for this very time they chose to provoke and attack the 
poor Franks, when the whole Family were in a state of the 
utmost excitement and distraction. 




184 


As the ground of this attack, they assumed, and set forth, 
various absurd and frivolous reasons or pretences ; indeed, 
so frivolous, and merely assumed, that it is not easy now to 
recollect them. One, and that, perhaps, the most plausible, 
was, that the Franks in their mad extravagance had made en¬ 
croachments on neighbour Frog’s Estate. Another was, that 
the Franks, in the wildness of their present vagaries, had 
encouraged and offered aid and protection to all persons on 
every neighbouring Manor, who might titid themselves 
aggrieved or oppressed by the usurpations or insolence of 
their respective Stewards. Under the present perverted ad- 
ministration of the Bull Stewardship, and in the present dis¬ 
position of the Bull Family, it must be confessed, this, if not 
a dangerous, was at least a provoking and invidious proposal. 
And John Bull’s Steward’s Office, and its very competent 
directors, were fully aware of its threatening aspect with res¬ 
pect to them : but they had not the judgment to discern that this 
threatening was not to be averted by punishing the Franks ; but 
by conciliating the folk on their own Manor : and instead of 
settling themselves, as common honesty, and common sense, 
’would have dictated, to correct the striking abuses in their 
own conduct and management, the cause of all their danger; 
and to conciliate the minds ot the Family ; they most prepos¬ 
terously determined to correct and reform the verv thoughts 
and sentiments of their neighbours, the Franks; and to res¬ 
train and punish their very purposes and proposals: and pro¬ 
fessedly for this absurd end, actually commenced a lawsuit 
against them. 

But all the professed grounds and causes of the present 
quarrel and lawsuit, from which John Bull may date his ruin, 
weie but mere pretexts and pretences. The real causes and 
motives, were, the radical hatred and enmity to liberty mhe- 
lent in the nature and spirit ot Stewardism; together with 
the design ot diverting John Bull’s attention and efforts from 


185 


the striking abuses, and demanded reforms, in his own affairs, 
to a contest and competition with iiis neighbours. Not but 
the view of punishing the Franks, and suppressing their 
threatening pretensions to liberty, and Billy Badspeed’s ambi¬ 
tion to conduct a great lawsuit, had their weight in producing 
the determination. And to insult all reason, justice, and 
common sense, this detestable and perfidious conspiracy for 
the enslaving of men, has been stiled a just and necessary 
lawsuit. 

Billy Badspeed, who had acquired some reputation by the 
surprising proficiency which the spirit and industry of the 
Bull Family had made in recovering themselves after the dis- 
aster of the Columbian quarrel, no doubt thought that he 
wanted nothing to rival his Father’s fame but the opportunity 
of distinguishing himself by planning and conducting a great 
and successful lawsuit—the favourite object, and highest ambi¬ 
tion, of all Stewards and their Agents. A lawsuit then is 
determined upon. And who should be fixed on as chief 
Attorney to carry on this important lawsuit? Who, but a 
booby boy, a Son of the Steward’s, a half-licked Cub, just as 
fit to conduct a great lawsuit, as the fellow who never set a 
squadron in the field, nor the division of a battle knew more 
than a spinster!—to conduct a great army. Indeed, any of 
bis Mother’s waiting gentlewomen would have been as compe¬ 
tent to the undertaking—as much would have been expected 
from them—and not less could have been done by them. 

It has been said that even Billy Badspeed, who did not 
•want perspicacity, would willingly have evaded this absurd 
appointment; as lie was aware, in the station in which he 
stood, much of the good or ill success^ of the cause would 
unavoidably be placed to his account. But his opinion was 
overruled by a superior influence. 

This was, indeed, a station of great distinction and impor¬ 
tance and sure to be attended with vast emoluments. It is 


186 


true, such an appointment, to such a station, might cost John 
Bull millions of money, and the sacrifice of many noble and 
brave Sons of the Family. But arc these considerations to 
come in competition with the smallest emolument, interest, 
or humour, of the Steward’s Family? Do not John Bull, his 
Family, and his Manor, belong to the Steward ? Are they not 
his property, his goods and chattels ? Do they not exist 
solely for his indulgence and pleasure, for the state and honour 
of him and his Family ? And if thousands and ten thousands 
of them are sacrificed to these objects—is it not what happens 
every day? and just as it should be? Does the opulent 
possessor grudge or grieve that his flocks and herds are killed 
off to supply the splendour of his pompous entertainment, to 
furnish the profusion of his luxurious table, or to augment 
the stile of his ostentatious establishment? Will the Steward 
sleep less sound next night—his Wife or Daughters appear 
less profuse and glittering in their finery and dress at the 
next ball-—or his Sons prove less extravagant and profligate in 
their gallantry and intrigues, because the last post has brought 
an account that an ill-conducted trial at bar, which had cost 
an hundred thousand pounds, has miscarried—or that some 
hundreds of brave fellows of the Bull Family have been 
knocked on the head, in an unsuccessful attempt to eject the 
Franks from Nick Frog’s Estates? 

At all events, however, a lawsuit is determined upon ; and 
the Young Cub, as chief Attorney, must conduct it. 

It was so far fortunate for John Bull that this cause, like 
many others in which he had been implicated, was one in 
which his own interests were no wise immediately concerned, 
beyond the waste of his property in carrying it on. He had 
no claims nor demands upon his neighbours the Franks; nor 
any trespass, encroachments, or even pretensions, to repel. 
The quarrel was undertaken by the Steward’s Cabal merely 
out of resentment for the Franks having presumed to meddle 


187 


with the pretensions of Stewards ; who had now so long en¬ 
grossed into their hands the rights, properties, persons, 
and enjoyments of the whole of their species, that they thought 
they really belonged to them. And the direct object of the 
cause, was, to punish men for attempting to claim, and assert 
any right, property, or interest, in themselves : and, because, 
through the most palpable ignorance of nature and her laws, 
they thought this excited state of the Franks a favourable op¬ 
portunity for doing them mischief. And it is more than con¬ 
jectured that a combination was entered into with some of 
the neighbouring Stewards, as unprincipled as themselves, 
to divide and portion out among them the whole of the 
Frankland Manor. And the deed in writing of this partition 
is, 1 believe, still on record. # 

As there was no adversary nor opponent to be found at 
home, within the precincts of the Albion Manors, it became 
necessary to go abroad in quest of one. The lawsuit was of 
course to be carried on entirely in the Courts on Terrafirm. 
Thus John Bull, as we have said, had no real concern in the 
cause, but to bear the expence. And as he could have de¬ 
rived no advantage from its greatest success ; so he might 
have suffered little injury from its entire miscarriage, had not 
that expence been boundless even to ruin. The Steward’s 
Cabal having pledged him to support not only his own ex¬ 
pence but that of the whole combination; for which purpose 
his money was lavished a Way by millions. 

The Cub, then, and bis corps of lawyers being transferred 
to Terrafirm, their first object was to repel some incroach- 
ments and trespasses of the Franks upon Nick Frog’s and 
the neighbouring Estates. No doubt a fair and laudable 
undertaking, had it been either necessary or practicable. But 
besides being an enterprise which their leader was altogether 
incompetent to conduct; no lawsuit was necessary to obtain 

* The Treaties of Pilnitz and Pavia.— Prct. Com. 


I 


183 


the object; the Franks, to avoid a quarrel with John Bull 
at this time, having made proposals to retract their encroach¬ 
ments, and compensate the trespass. But in vain. Nothing 
could divert Badspeed and the Cabal from so promising a 
project, in their conception, as a quarrel and lawsuit at this 
time with the Franks. And the event was, instead ot an oc¬ 
casional trespass on Frog’s Manor, to put the Franks in full 
possession of the whole Estate, together with many neighbour¬ 
ing Manors, to which thev before made no pretensions. 

But to give a detailed account of the different processes of 
this absurd, blind, abortive, impious, execrable undertaking, 
would be grating and disgusting to every ear, mortifying and 
painful to every heart, that had the least feeling for the inte¬ 
rest or honour of the Bull Family, or natural sentiment of 
common humanity. 

Suffice it to say, that after various disgraces, blunders, 
non-suits, doubtful issues, adverse verdicts—and, as in all 
such cases of trespass and ejectment, club-law is often more 
recurred to than justice or reason—after a thousand beat¬ 
ings, bastinadoings, duckings, and drubbings, wherever they 
came—after more than half the Cub’s lawyers had got their 
brains beat out and their bones broken, and been absolutely 
basted to death, the remainder got themselves into a kind of 
lobs-pound; from whence another lawyer of tried capacity 
was sent to replevy, and fetch them home. 

Arrived at home ; notwithstanding all that had happened, 
the Cub could shew his face with unblushing confidence, and 
was received by his Family with most flattering complacency 
and fond gratulation. And why should he not ? Though 

j 

the cause be lost, the lawyer is paid. And whatever disasters 
had befallen his under clerks and scriveners, the Lad had 
saved his own bacon and secured his fees. What is it to a 
Steward, or a Steward’s Family, that his employer’s property 
has been wasted, a number of the bravest Sons of his Family 


189 


sacrificed, and his name and character disgraced and insulted? 
Do any of these things reach the Steward ? Is not his 
possession of the man and his family still as secure as ever ? 
Had the Steward in the present instance, any reason to fear 
that his next application to the Palaverium for money would 
be less readily complied with; or the Junto and their merce¬ 
nary prostitutes in Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, on whom they 
depended for all their purposes, would he less steady in their 
attachment, while there was enough left to pay them ? Would 
their own appointments and salaries he diminished, or less 
regularly paid, on account of these disasters ? 

It may not he improper here to take notice, that even be¬ 
fore Agricol and his Agents had commenced their lawsuit 
against the Franks, a conspiracy, to which we have already 
alluded, had been formed against them by three of the neigh¬ 
bouring Stewards, Frank South, Fad Pruss, and Kate Russ, 
on nearly the same principles of jealousy and resentment upon 
which the Albion Cabal acted ; but with further views than 
they durst openly avow. For beside the motive of punishing 
and suppressing all opposition to Stewards and Stewardism ; 
the conspirators had agreed to share among themselves the 
Franks, and the whole Frankland Estates and Manors of im¬ 
mense extent and value. Ilow far Agricol and the Junto 
were concerned as sharers in this partition is not ascertained; 
that they were consulted in, and conscious approvers of the 
conspiracy, can admit of no doubt. 

The other three conspirators had their estates and connec¬ 
tions on Terrafirm, lying all around the Frankland Manor, 
and could with great conveniency and advantage occupy and 
possess each his own share. But John Bull, in whose name, 
and at whose expence only Agricol could take any part in the 
business, being entirely separated from Terrafirm both by 
situation and interest, was so far from desiring to possess any 
part of the Frankland Estate ^ that, taught by ancient expe- 


1 90 


7 " 9 

rience, every person of sound understanding and plain honesty 
in the Family would obstinately have resisted any such acqui¬ 
sition. If, therefore, Agricol was to be a partaker in this 
appointment, it must have been in favour of his own personal 
interest; and the accession was to be made to his Terrafirmal 
or Family possessions. To these, no doubt, a due proportion 
of the Frankland Manor would have been an invaluable acqui¬ 
sition. This might perhaps enable some future Steward to 
make himself as absolutely master of the Bull Family and 
Manor, as the other partitioners already were of their respec¬ 
tive Manors and the people upon them. But these were 
objects which it might, at this time, have been dangerous to 
avow; or even to have incurred the suspicion of. Hence a* 
vail of mystery still hangs over these transactions. 

The other three partitioners were confessedly the greatest 
and most absolute tyrants and oppressors in the whole coun¬ 
try round ; and indeed no better than common robbers. And 
had they succeeded in their present scheme, they would have 
had the whole of Terrafirm; and, with the combination of 
the Bull watercraft, almost the whole of Terra-cognita, at 
their mercy. They had but a little before seized upon, and 
divided among themselves, the large and line Manor of Polo- 
ilia, possessed by their good friend Gusty Sassan; to which 
they had no other claim, but that it was in their power to do 
it. Ol these three, the most prompt and prominent was Fad 
Pruss; who always kept in pay a large train of bravos and 
banditti, ready at his call for any, even the most desperately 
wicked enterprise. Fie had, indeed, fully adopted that grand 
Stewardic principle, that the world and the men in it were 
made for Stewards : and that power to possess themselves of 
any portion of it, was always a sufficient reason and right for 
doing so. 

This Fad, then, was the first of the partitioners to put his 
trained banditti in motion tow ards the Frankland Manor ; 





191 


* 

and even before the partition was settled, bad made consider¬ 
able advances upon it. Indeed, this bad was, as we have 
said, no better than a freebooter, or land pirate, ready to 
seize whatever fell in his way; and equally void of honour 
as of honesty. r ] his will particularly appear from one tran¬ 
saction :—when Agricol and his Cabal had determined to go 
to law with the Franks, and the Cub and his train were to be 
sent to prosecute the suit, according to constant custom, ever 
since the accession of the Handover race to the Albion Stew¬ 
ardship, that in all lawsuits on Terrafirm, almost every Stew¬ 
ard must have a retaining fee from John Bull, Fad was 
the first to put in his claim for a sop; and a good substantial 
one was agreed for. Fad now affected to be in a great bus¬ 
tle ot preparation, proposing to act with redoubled vigour, till 
the day that he received the last payment of John Bull’s re¬ 
taining fee ; and the very next day, publicly declared, without 
a blush or apology, that he had already settled all quarrels and 
differences with the Franks, and would be concerned in no 
lawsuit nor proceedings against them.* 

This transaction was, no doubt, perfectly in character with 
Fad. But it is certainly singular, that neither Agricol nor 
his Agents ever pretended either to resent, or complain of 
such a palpable piece of villany. It is true, Fad was Agri- 
col’s kinsman ; and the whole affair was only so much money 
out of the pockets of the Bull Family into those of the 
Bruntwick: and probably Agricol was nowise displeased 
with the transaction ; it was only according to the constant 
practice of the present race of Stewards, to let slip no occa¬ 
sion of transferring and diffusing the wealth of John Bull 
among their Terrafirmal connections and relations ; who are 
very numerous, most of them very poor and very proud, and 
all of them perfectly insatiable. 

Perhaps the maxim, that honesty is always the best policy, 
might deserve some attention even among Steward’s; at least 


192 


the instance now in hand would seem to insinuate as much ; 
since this same Fad, who so long as he had any will or power of 
his own, continued to act the part we have described, and to 
play fast and loose with every party in the present quarrel, soon 
became the most abject debased vassal, at the mercy of the 
Franks, and their chieftain, the celebrated Microcorn. 

But to resume the thread of our Memoirs. It was some 
time after the Cub’s return from bis last expedition to Terra- 
firm, that another tempting opportunity, as it was thought, of 
ejecting the Franks from Nick Frog’s Estate seemed to offer 
itself: for in consequence of the hopeful lawsuit undertaken 
by Agricol and bis Agents, the Franks bad now seized the 
whole of Frog’s Manor into their hand. Now, however, an 
action of ejectment was, with great hopes of success, de¬ 
termined upon for its recovery. And that the Cub might 
have an opportunity of recovering also his lost reputation, it 
was determined that he should again conduct it: but to pre¬ 
vent the possibility of further disgrace falling upon him, it 
was thought right to seful before some able and experienced 
lawyers, to arrange the proceedings, commence the action, 
and put things in a sure train. For this purpose, Overcromb 
and Moorcock, two lawyers of distinguished capacity, were 
dispatched with suitable assistants, and began proceedings 
with great success : and so fair and certain was the prospect 
of a favourable issue, that on the news, the Cub, jealous least 
his precursors si ould intercept some part of the honour, 
hasted with impatience to the scene of action ; and with su¬ 
percilious self-importance, at once assumed the conduct of 
the suit wholly into his own hand. And alas! it was soon 
found into what hands it had got. In order to claim to him¬ 
self the whole merit of the final success anticipated, and, 
indeed, every thing but secured, it was thought necessary to 
make some material change in the arrangement of the pro¬ 
cess ; and this was done without so much as consulting the 


193 




able lawyers by whom it had originally been arranged. The 
consequence was, in the very first point upon which 
issue was joined, the whole proceedings were thrown into 
contusion ; and the defendant having put in a demurrer to 
which the plaintiff was never able to make a satisfactory 
reply, the poor Cub was in this stage of the business non¬ 
suited, even without the necessity of a rejoinder on the part 
of the defendant; and had not his coadjutors, Overcromb 
and Moorcock, by their superior judgment and abilities, 
brought him off, they had all been arrested and detained 
for costs. The Cub returned safe and sound to his Family, 
with the same satisfied sang froid as before: and whatever 
it might have cost John Bull, no harm was supposed to be 
done; though numbers of his brave sons never returned. 

The Cub’s capacity for efficient practice in law must now 
be allowed to be no longer equivocal. But while so much 
money and emolument was lavishing upon lawsuits, it was 
still resolved that a large portion of it should centre in the 
Steward’s Family. But as it could scarce possibly be again 
proposed to the Cub to put him immediately in any active or 
efficient station of the law, it w ? as determined to constitute 
him Lawyer General , and to put all lawyers, law appoint¬ 
ments, and law r proceedings, in short, all the law concerns of 
the united Manors of Albion, Caledon, Erin, and their im¬ 
portant dependencies, under the authority, and at the disposal, 
of this tried and distinguished lawyer. In this appointment, 
sitting at home, while actual lawsuits were carried on only 
abroad, it might be thought he could do no great harm : but 
this would really be a very false conclusion; for so shameful 
and abandoned were the practices carried on in his Lawyer- 
General’s office, that active employments, and important ap¬ 
pointments, were permitted to be disposed of by his pimps 
and pandars; and his favourite female paramour was accus- 


VOL. II. 


o 


194 


tomed to sell for money, as part of her professional perqui¬ 
sites, distinguished stations in the law department. 

Scenes of this kind at length became so notorious and dis¬ 
graceful, that some persons in the Palaverium found it expe¬ 
dient to lay the matter before Mrs. Bull’s Office. In conse¬ 
quence of which, a most base, shameful, and profligate train 
of facts were brought to light, and fully exposed ; and though 
all the world cried shame upon the transactions and all the 
parties engaged in them ; though there was not one person in 
the Bull Family who did not acquiesce in this sentiment, and 
see and know where the guilt and infamy lay; yet did Mrs. 
Bull’s Office find the Cub perfectly innocent; nay, entirely 
ignorant of the facts performed by his direct order, and ex¬ 
pressly sanctioned by letters laid before them in his own hand 
writing. 

Such a decision may, perhaps, be thought scarce less aban¬ 
doned and infamous than the original transactions themselves. 
But in pronouncing it so, we must hesitate. It must be 
considered that this decision was according to constant prece¬ 
dent of late years ; that whatever came before the Palaverium 
in which the mind and sentiments of the Steward and Steward’s 
Office were decidedly known, or might be conjectured, the 
decision must infallibly pass according to that mind and senti¬ 
ment. Of this, numerous instances might be produced ; # not 
that they pretended to determine the good or evil, right or 
wrong, of such matters ; that in many instances, such as the 
present, was too plain and palpable to admit of any hesitation 
or doubt. But a majority of them in number being the re¬ 
tained pandars and prostitutes of the Steward’s Office, kept 
and paid for the express purpose of such decisions, good or 
evil, right or wrong, was a point they had no concern with ; 

* Mr. H—st—ing’s Trial. L—rd M—1—v—lie’s Trial. The present 
instance ; —the Walcheren Enquiry, &c. &c.— Pret . Com. 


J95 


then business was to perform the service they were kept ancl 
paid for; which they generally did very faithfully and con- 
cientiously. 

But notwithstanding the Cub’s acquittal in Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, the facts brought to light were too gross and glaring 
for him to be able to stand the public eye. He, therefore, 
very wisely chose to resign his important appointment of 

Lawyer General, and to retire awhile from observation; a 

/ ■ *. 

step, not less prudent on his part, than grateful to the Bull 
Family. Thus conscience does make cowards, even of 
Cubs! 


Illl'l 

s f 

<( ’i 


Chap. III. 


Contents. —The state of the Frankland Manor presents an important 
Admonition both to Stewards and Landlords.-—'The Franks fall into 
the hands of one Mierocorn, a Mighty Hunter ; who having claimed, 
whipt, and trained them to an obedient Pack, has with them hunted 
down the whole Country.—Further Progress and Parties in the Law¬ 
suit :—all get out of it but John Bull:—the Mystery explained, why 
John Bull, of all Parties the least interested in Terrafirmal Quarrels, 
is always the first to get into, and the last to get out of them. 




We will now once more cast a glance at the Frankland 
affairs, and mark what situation we find them in; especially 
as the view may afford an important admonition and example 
both to Landlords and Stewards. To Stewards it may sug¬ 
gest a hint,—that however patient and passive the Folk on 
any Manor may be, it may still be prudent to use some mo¬ 
deration in their rapacity and usurpations ; to set some bounds 
to their perversion of the laws and customs of their Manors, 

o 2 




196 


and to the depravation and corrupting of the people upon 
them. It may shew them, that there is a degree of perver¬ 
sion, beyond which no social system can subsist; a degree of 
depravation and debasement in character and manners, beyond 
which, no people can exist; a degree of oppression and rapa¬ 
city, beyond which, mortals cannot bear; a point, where no 
authority or order can be preserved; but all must sink into 
ruin and destruction, to the extinction of the very name and 
being of its wretched authors. At this price even the imbe¬ 
cile and harmless Lewis Seizieme expiated the folly and 
crimes of his depraved predecessors. 

To Landlords and all the holders on a Manor, the fate of 
the Franks may give warning to set some bounds to their in¬ 
dulgence, complaisance, and confidence, in their Stewards: 
but still, however depraved, rapacious, or perfidious, these 
Stewards may become, however corrupted or perverted the 
customs and constitutions of their Manor, to proceed with 
caution and circumspection in correcting them: and not 
like the Franks, to pull down their old mansion house before 
they have provided a new' one to shelter themselves in; but 
rather to repair the old one betimes, part by part, beginning 
W'here most necessary ; taking care not to touch foundations. 

This necessary precaution, the Franks, altogether unexpe¬ 
rienced in such undertakings, had entirely neglected ; but the 
ruinous state, and bad construction, of their old mansion 
being evident, and indisputable, to w ork they went, in pulling 
down ; and beginning with the foundation, soon brought the 
wdiole fabric about their ears. It is true, their builders and 
best architects had set about planning and building another; 
and for some time they proceeded with good success; and 
the plan they went upon promised well: but where there is 
no house nor home, there can be little order or authority pre¬ 
served in a Family. Thus, the whole Frank Family, without 
house or hold, head or master, running about the country in 


\ 

> 

197 

rags and idleness, became wild and almost savage : and being 
set on and instigated by one Robertstone, and other desperate 
and ill-designing persons, especially by the partisans and ad¬ 
herents of the old Stewardical Family, they set themselves to 
destroy and pull down every thing that was done towards a 
new building by the sensible and well-disposed part of the 
Family : and in short, proceeded to the utmost excesses of 
madness, rage, and cruelty, against one another. At last, one 
Microkeros, or Microcorn, * a daring dexterous wight, finding 
the Franks running about wild, without a home, head, or 
owner, like a pack of hounds broke loose from the huntsman ; 
he, by means of a set of practised trainers and whippers-in, 
drew, or drove them together; and brought them to so 
, much docility, that no man ever was master of a more faith¬ 
ful and obedient pack. The Franks, surely, have some¬ 
thing of the spaniel in their character,—a propensity to 
fawn on him that beats them, and to lick the hand that strikes 
them. To their old owners, the Baboons, they carried this 
fawning propensity as far as it could go ; till provoked to 
madness by their merciless masters, they turned upon them 
and tore them in pieces. 

In the mean time the law proceedings for the dispossession 
of the Franks, and sharing their Estate had turned out the 
very reverse of what the aggressors intended. For the 
Franks, to do them justice, whatever mad pranks they might 
choose to play among themselves, took care not only to keep 
their neighbours at bay, but even to chastise them soundly, 
for their folly in choosing the very time when their every 
energy was aroused and in full action, to provoke and attack 

* Though the learned Reader will easily perceive that this term alludes 
to the Little Horn of Daniel; yet it may not imply that tins is the leal 
character there described; but may be a mere allusion, on account of 
11 a mouth speaking great things, and a look more stout than his fellows ; and 
of the great ones that have been cast down by him.” — Editor . 


198 


them. Thus the aggressors were not only non-suited, or cast 
in every action, but their aggression having given the Franks 
a fair occasion, they seized possession of, and added to their 
own Manor, a number of large Farms, Estates, and Tracts of 
land, lying around them on all sides, mostly belonging either 
to those aggressors, or to their friends, clients, or copy-hol¬ 
ders, under them. Among the most important of these 
were Nick Frogs Estates; a most valuable and well culti¬ 
vated Tract of land, called Flat-plains, belonging to Squire 
South ; the Manor of Mountain-foot, with many others : all 
of which they have formally annexed to their own Manor of 
Frankland. 

As to the aggressors themselves,—Fad Pruss, as we have 
said, had long played fast and loose with all parties, in the 
most shameful manner, till Microcorn, master of the Franks, 
provoked by his duplicity, entered upon his Estate, and re¬ 
duced him to the most abject dependance, vassalage, and 
drudgery, without so much as a house to put his head in but 
by indulgence. 

Squire South, far from now pretending to share out the 
Frankland Manor, found himself unable to defend his own ; 
but still obstinately resisted all concession and submission. 
At last, in a close scuffle with Microcorn and his Franks, he 
and his people got so mauled, ducked, and drubbed, that he 
was left prostrate, wallowing in the mire, and in a most pitiful 
and desperate plight; which seems to have moved the com¬ 
passion even of Microcorn himself, though not much used to 
the melting mood. In this condition, seemingly past recovery, 
Microcorn raised him up, set him on his feet, spoke comfort¬ 
ably to him, had him washed and cleaned, applied plaisters to 
his sores, had his battered scull trepanned, and two or three 
broken bones set. While employed in this charitable work. 
Microcorn chanced to cast an eye on one of the Squire’s 
Daughters, a plump, rosy-lipped, luscious lass; who was busy 


199 


assisting about her Father, ai d perhaps could not avoid 
throwing a favourable glance on one so kindly employed. 
This Nymph lie afterward married ; and the Squire was 
permitted to live quietly on the remains of his own Estates, 
under a kind of honourable vassalage to his son-in-law. 

Kate Russ had been dead some time. Her successors 
have had some rough scuffles with Microcorn ; hut do not, I 
believe, now pretend to any share in the Manor of the Franks. 
But as lying at a distance, and less intimately connected with 
our subject we will pass them over at present. 

Thus, all the parties in this conspiracy, John Bull excepted, 
had, after paying soundly for their folly, got their heads out 
of the snare; and poor Bull, by the obstinacy of the Stew¬ 
ard’s Cabal, was left to struggle in it alone. 

About this time, after having in their just and necessary 
lawsuit, wasted some millions of John Bull’s money, and sacri¬ 
ficed some millions of men of his Family, a conviction of their 
folly being forced upon them by facts, the only argument 
which they were capable of understanding, the Junto made 
some efforts to extricate themselves from their woeful plight, 
by sending messengers to propose a composition of the law¬ 
suit. But now the Franks were as insolent in their turn, as 
the Bull Steward’s Office had lately been, when at the break¬ 
ing out of the quarrel the Franks sent one Chovalong to 
make concessions, and to deprecate a lawsuit. The Albion 
messengers were now braved, bullied, huffed, and insulted ; 
as having come without understanding their errand; were or¬ 
dered to go home again, and come back when they had 
better learned their lesson. In short, nothing could exceed 
the insolence and contempt with which the Bull message 
and messengers were treated and flouted off the Frankland 
Manor; nor the haughty and humiliating demands made in 
order even to admit proposals for a composition. * 

* Negotiations at Lisle.—J Fret. Com. 


200 


i j. , « j|> , 

The Bull Family were not used to submit to insults; so 
it became absolutely necessary to proceed. And now, in¬ 
deed, the process might with some reason be called A Neces¬ 
sary Lawsuit; for now it was not in their power to get out 

of it. „ ^ n 

It may seem strange and unaccountable, that John Bull, 
who, from the insular situation of his Manor, had the least 
possible connection with the quarrels and lawsuits on Terra- 
firm ; nay, to whose interest and security these quarrels might 
greatly contribute, had he the common sense to keep himself 
quiet, and stand clear of them ; was generally the first to get 
in, and the last to get out of them: and not only so ; but 
of the rest engaged in them, one side or other, for the most 
part, found means to carry on their own lawsuits at his ex¬ 
pence, and with his money. This is a mystery that it may be 
worth while to look a little into. 

In the course of these Memoirs, we have already taken 
notice, that in almost every Manor on Terrafirm, the Stewards 
had got not only the management of the income of the Es¬ 
tates, but even the immediate possession and acknowledged 
right of property, into their own hands. Whereas oil the 
Albion Manors, though the wealth and income were, per¬ 
haps, more effectually at the disposal of the Steward than in 
any Manor on lerrafirm; yet, by the custom and constitu¬ 
tion of the Manor, the possession and acknowledged right are 
still indisputably in John Bull himself and his Family. This 
difference will, 1 think, sufficiently unfold the mystery m hand. 
While the other Stewards on lerrafirm are wasting .the 
wealth and people on their Manors, in quarrels and lawsuits, 
they ai e sensible they are wasting what is immediately and 
directly their own ; and what, if not so wasted, will remain 
then own, and may be otherwise used and employed for 
their advantage or pleasure. On the contrary, the Albion 
Steward is sensible, that he not only spends nothing of his 


201 


own in these lawsuits, but that they afford him and his Junto 
the most plausible pretence, and most effectual means, of 
getting the wealth and property of the Family into their hands ; 
and of hence diffusing it in behalf of his Friends and Family 
interests on Terrafirm. 

Besides, if the Stewards on other Manors are resolved to 
have the money of the tenants, they must get it by what 
means they can; and sometimes neither art nor authority 
can accomplish their purpose. Whereas, on the Albion Ma¬ 
nor, by means of, a prostitute Palaverium, the mere word or 
will of the Steward is all-sufficient for every purpose ; is 
able to command the last shilling the folk are possessed of, 
and to take their bed from under him, if they have not the 
money. 

And as the Steward has the sole conducting and manage¬ 
ment of lawsuits, as well as the right of commencing them, 
committed to him ; and as all monies voted for them, and ex¬ 
pended under pretence of them, pass through his hands, and 
those of the Cabal that constantly adhere to him, it will no 
longer be matter of wonder or mystery that they are so fond 
of lawsuits. And though they are by custom obliged to give N 
in to Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office a list of the objects of 
expenditure, and an estimate of the money wanted ; yet, as 
these estimates are to be audited, where their own pandars and 
prostitutes bear such an unlimited sw ay; and where the 
Steward’s Major Domo directs and orders every thing, they 
are become a mere form, and little better than a mere farce; 
and of what passes through their hands, it will generally be 
found, that under various clokes and pretences one half sticks 
to their fingers. Indeed, strictly speaking, the whole ulti¬ 
mately centers with themselves and adherents : for every 
office and appointment for which money can be expended, is 
invariably confined only to themselves and their friends. And 
as no merit, or justice of claim, can obtain the smallest 


202 


place or appointment for one who is suspected of preferring the 
interest of the Family to that of the Steward’s Junto; so, no 
demerit, or depravity of character, can exclude any one from 
the most important trust, who belongs to the party, and is 
ready to sacrifice every thing to the interest and designs of 
the Steward’s Office. Hence, we every day hear of such 
going off with thousands and ten thousands of John Bull’s 
money in their hands, unaccounted for. But as these are all 
the connections of the Steward’s good and trusty friends, sel¬ 
dom any thing more is heard of the matter: it is only so 
much of John Bull’s money gone; but that is nothing to 
those who dispose of the money, or those to serve whom 
such villains were trusted. John Bull must make up the de¬ 
ficiency ; and there is no more to be said about it. Thus, 
not an appointment in the law department, not an office in 
the magistracy on the Manor, not a place in the Steward’s 
Houshold, not a function or charge in the economy of the 
Manor or Family, not even the place of an assistant clerk in 
a scrivener’s office, of a turnspit in the Steward’s kitchen, or 
a groom in his stable, can be obtained or held but by the 
friends, connections, and supporters of the Steward and his 
Cabal; especially by such as can support the Commerce of 
Prostitution in Mrs. Bull’s Houshold; that primum mobile 
in all the Steward’s operations: besides a thousand merely 
nominal places, to which no function or performance what¬ 
soever belongs, except that of receiving an immense stipend 
for the purpose of supporting the power and influence of 
the Steward’s Office, are all entirely at the disposal of the 
Stew ard’s Agents ; and invariably disposed of to their friends 
and abettors. 

These facts considered, it is a strict and literal truth, that 
every penny the Steward and his Agents can find a pretence 
to draw out of John Bull’s pocket they put into their ow r n, 
or those of their friends and supporters. And while John 


203 


Bull is reduced to bankruptcy, and bis Family to beggary and 
the parish, what numbers whom we have known needy, ob¬ 
scure, inferior clerks, menial attendants, sycophants, parasites, 
pickthanks, about the Steward’s Office and Houshold, may 
we see accumulating vast Estates, ostentatious of splendour, 
wallowing in luxury and voluptousness, beyond all the uses, 
ends, and enjoyments of nature; and not more distinguished 
lor luxury and voluptuousness than for licentiousness and 
profligacy. It is no wonder, then, that such incessant and 
constantly increasing demands are made upon the Family ; 
since the very means which drain the pockets of poor Bull, 
All those of his Steward’s Agents and the most worth¬ 
less of their train. The only exception which, I believe, can 
be found to this entire disposal of the money among them¬ 
selves, is, what is lavished with such unconscionable profu¬ 
sion and folly on the Steward’s Terrafirmal connections, to 
support his family and interests in that quarter. 

To return now to the point of our argument.—As a great 
law’suit is the occasion, which of all others, supplies the best 
pretence for lavish demands, and one on which, if any way 
successful, John Bull is generally disposed to be most libe¬ 
ral, it will no longer be a mystery that he is seldom allowed 
to be long out of a lawsuit; or easily permitted to close it, 
if once he is in. 


204 


Chap. IV. 

Contents. —The Cabal disappointed, nonsuited, and cast in so many 
hopeful Actions at Law,—resolve upon one of great import and 
eclat, with such preparation and expence as should infallibly secure 
success, and display their character and vast capacity to all the 
world.—The Wallawcliurn Expedition :—its inefficient conduct— 
and disastrous issue :—Enquiry instituted concerning it in the Pala- 
verium,—all found to be blameless, perfectly right, and just as it 
should be. * 

However partial to lawsuits, it must be supposed 
that John Bull was by this time tired of the attempt to carry 
on actions at law, and effect ejectments on Terrafirm. It 
may be so: but if John Bull was, his Steward and the 
Cabal were not. And we will just give a short sketch of one 
more abortive, and severely disastrous atttempt. 

Billy Badspeed, although he had forfeited his pretensions 
to principle, honour, or patriotism, and had undertaken a 
task beyond his powers, was yet a man of some abilities ; and 
had so much confidence in his own capacity that he was very 
indifferent about either the character or capacity of his coadju¬ 
tors ; if only they were sufficiently tractable: but Billy was 
now dead; and by his death the whole life and soul of the 
Cabal were at once extinguished. However, they were too 
ambitious to think of receding, too selfish to part with their 
appointments, too ignorant to know what they now took in 
hand, too jealous of their power and influence to admit among 
them any one of superior capacity. And as a supple tracta- 
bility was their distinguishing characteristic, they were too 
fit for the purposes of the Steward’s Office to be dismissed, 
or exchanged for any of those who were now candidates for 












205 


place and power. And, as is generally the case with such 
characters, being perfectly unconscious of their own insuffi¬ 
ciency, they determined to do something that should distin¬ 
guish them with the Bull Family, and display their consum¬ 
mate abilities to the whole world. And for this purpose a 
most dashing expedition to Terrafirm was concerted and 
planned. 

In order fully to secure success to this undertaking, and 
at the same time to strike all beholders with astonishment at 
their vast capacity and powers, such magnificent preparations 
were made, and at such boundless expence, as had never 
been incurred by the Bull Family for any undertaking 
beyond the bounds of the Manor: but of all this astonishing 
apparatus, perhaps the most astonishing was, the choice made 
of a Chief, or Conductor, to direct, exert, and apply, all this 
important preparation. For this purpose one Fucus was 
fixed on: for what reason it cannot easily be conjectured: 
one whose name was never heard of before nor since, in 
any business or matter whatsoever; one who would not have 
been known to have existed, but that he happened to be the 
eldest Son of the celebrated Sir William Speedwell, and 
Brother of the deceased Billy Badspeed. Yet on the man 
himself certainly no severe censure ought to be passed; as it 
is not known, that he w^as ever guilty of so much exertion as 
even either to solicit the appointment, or decline the accep¬ 
tance ; but being appointed, became part of the apparatus, 
the same as the tumbrels and waggons that carried the furni¬ 
ture and other materials. 

There is surely an absurdity beyond all conception in these 
appointments : either, the Junto must think the success or 
failure of such expeditions a thing of no consequence; or, 
they did not even know that some degree of capacity, know¬ 
ledge, or experience in the subject, was requisite to the suc¬ 
cessful conducting of any great and important undertaking. 


20 6 


They seem, indeed, either not to havfc known, or to have dis-* 
puted, the most obvious maxim of common sense—that in 
order to conduct any business well, it is requisite to know 
something about that business. ]n the present appointment, 
and those of the Cub, no body beside the Junto was at all 
disappointed ; or expected any other issue than what was ex¬ 
perienced. 

The expedition was abundantly provided with lawyers re¬ 
tained, and transported at immense expence, furnished with 
briefs, pleas, replications, rejoinders, sur-rejoinders, butters, 
rebutters, and sur-rebutters, with whole shiploads of paper, 
pens, ink, wax, wafers, seals, 8cc. besides, what, in the way 
such actions are generally carried on, was of more impor¬ 
tance than all the rest, bailiffs, bravos, bullies, and banditti 
without number: and on the whole, success was reckoned 
infallible. . n 

The chief deviser and planner of this expedition, and all 
this immense preparation, was one Don Deperditus, a noto¬ 
rious blade, whom Billy Badspeed had admitted into the 
Junto, as one not subject to any squeamish scruples; but 
fit, and ready, for any thing that might be proposed to him. 
Indeed, the only person of any capacity now in the Cabal— 
not yet so mature in political depravity as we shall afterwards 
find him—actually quitted it, because he would not associate 
with such a fellow as this Don Deperditus. But he was 
soon fain to acknowledge that where vice was so requisite, 
he would not be so superfluous as to pretend to virtue : and 
he expressly declared himself to be ready to co-operate even 
wdth Don Deperditus, rather than not share in the wages of 
iniquity, which they so profusely lavished among them¬ 
selves. 

All things being now ready in the highest stile of splen¬ 
dour and expence, the w'hole apparatus, and Fucus along 
with it, were pompously transported to Terrafirm. They 


207 


were put ashore near a small insulated' park or paddock 
called Wallawchurn, in which stood an old mansion ; of which 
they took possession for immediate lodging, till they should 
obtain further footing on Nick Frog’s, or Jean Frank’s Estate : 
against both of whom, this was an action of ejectment. Now 
this paddock and the mansion on it, where Fucus had lodged 
his train and attendants, was one of the most unwholesome, 
poisonous, pestilential, spots in the world; lying in the midst 
of stagnant pools, putrid fens, and offensive marshes; the banks 
of Styx could not be more pestiferous. The consequence 
was, they had scarce taken possession of their lodgings when 
they began to sicken, and to die like dogs. But the lives oi 
that sort of people seem to be held in little consideration 
either among themselves, or by those who employ them. 

V 

Among themselves, as, with those of any rank or condi¬ 
tion, the lower in station should succeed to the higher, and 
each hopes he himself may escape, the danger of frequent 
deaths, perhaps, excites not less hope than fear : and as to 
the common fry of attendants and followers, which are innu¬ 
merable, their life is held of no account at all. 

It would be both tedious and painful to trace this ill de¬ 
vised, worse conducted, and entirely abortive attempt, through 
all its steps. Suffice it to say, that instead of effecting an 
ejectment, the chief attorney was never able to bring any one 
point to issue, or even to enter the courts on Terrafirm. In 
short, Fucus never got beyond his first wretched lodgings. 
But after much w r aste of time and incalculable expence, with 
the loss of the lives of many a brave and hopeful spirit, the 
enterprise was entirely abandoned; and the whole recalled 
without having effected any thing whatsoever, except manu¬ 
ring the soil, and poisoning the streams, with thousands of 
putrid carcases of the Bull Family, sacrificed to the presump¬ 
tion and folly of the merest dolts that ever intermeddled 
with business. 

But the most atrocious and inexpiable part of the transac- 


208 


tion remains still to be told :—that after all proceedings were 
abandoned, and the design renounced, as impracticable, in¬ 
stead of hurrying, as might have been expected, the fast pe¬ 
rishing remains of the expedition home from their deadly 
station, Fucus, indeed, soon made his escape, but his wretch¬ 
ed train were still retained to perish piece-meal in their pesti¬ 
ferous mansion, where they were daily dying by hundreds. 
And this, merely, because the despicable devisers of this 
abortive undertaking were ashamed to acknowledge at once 
their entire failure; and to confess that they had put the Bull 
Family to such an immense expence of treasure and lives ill 
the mere presumption of ignorance and incapacity. Hence, 
the wretched victims of their folly were left to linger and 
die in their miserable charnel-house, only to suspend for 
awhile the confusion and disgrace of the drivelling authors of 
this ruinous and destructive scheme. 

And when they were at last obliged to recal the miserable 
relics of their folly, they came home pale, emaciated, and 
past recovery, with neglect and disease, of which many conti¬ 
nued dying after their return ; and the remainder are still lin¬ 
gering under the miserable effects of this disastrous attempt; 
and will do to the latest day they have to live. Thus ended 
an enterprise, undertaken in incapacity and ignorance ; from 
which, from the time the chief conductor was named, nobody 
expected any thing worthy of the expence and parade made ; 
but even the most ill-boding and hopeless could not anticipate 
an issue so thoroughly disastrous as the event really proved. 

But the most ominous and important view of this matter, and 
what makes it most worthy of notice here is still to be taken. 
Some genuine sons of the true Albanion stock, who yet re¬ 
tained a seat in Mrs. Bull’s Office, indignant to see their 
patrimony thus wasted, and the lives of their Family thus sa¬ 
crificed in ignorance and folly, resolved to bring this matter 
before the Palaverium. This step was, indeed, opposed by 


209 


all the art and influence of the Cabal and Steward’s Junto; 
but they could not prevent the affair being brought before 
Mrs. Bull’s Houshold Office : where, upon enquiry, it plainly 
appeared by the most clear and decisive evidence, that the 
whole had been conducted on the part of Fucus in the 
most palpable ignorance, incapacity, and confusion: and had 
been marked by the most cruel and shameful neglect of the 
sick and diseased; that numbers had died for the want of the 
most common and necessary medicines in their complaint; 
and that they were left to perish in the midst of pestilence 
and disease, for months after all hopes and efforts had been 
abandoned, and when no end could be proposed, no reason 
assigned, for thus sacrificing them, but the mere indifference 
and disregard of the Cabal for the lives and sufferings of such 
beings. In short, it was clearly demonstrated, that the whole 
scheme had been devised in presumption and ignorance, and 
executed in imbecility, confusion, and folly. Yet this not¬ 
withstanding, such was the influence of that Commerce of 
Prostitution between the Steward’s Office and Mrs. Bull’s 
Houshold, that when the question was put,—Whether any 
blame, blunder, or wrong existed any where, respecting this 
enterprise ?—It was decisively voted,—That all was right, 
perfectly clear of all blame and censure, and just as it ought 
to be. And why not ? A large sum of money had been 
drawn from John Bull’s pockets, and diffused at the instance 
of the Steward’s Agents. It is true, Don Deperditus, in the 
Cabal among themselves, admitted that it might have been de¬ 
sirable that something more had been done; “ but by the 
L—d lads/’ said he, “ I am glad we have got the money.” 

’Tis not in mortals to command success, 

But we’ll do more, we’ll make our way without it. 

The money was all somewhere among them, and there was no 


VOL. IT. 


P 


210 


X 

danger but it would operate to their mind. Nay, the present 
decision was a pregnant proof that it did so. And when¬ 
ever they should think fit to demand as much more for the 
like purpose, John Bull might fume, and fret, and torment 
himself; but while the Steward’s Office by their prostitutes 
could command the voice of Mrs. Bulls Floushold, he had 
no resource but to comply and pay his money. 




Chap. V. 

. <’ s * 

Contents. —A singular Crisis.—Agricol Insane:—His eldest Son ap¬ 
pointed his Substitute great Hopes formed of him All miserably 
disappointed:—First specimens of his Administration : settles on his 
Sisters, a set of idle Spinsters, who had already more than they 
could possibly spend, ,£9,000 a year each, out of John Bull's pocket: 
—restores his Brother, the disgraced Cub, to the Station and Emo¬ 
luments of Lawyer General.—The just estimation of the Stewardi- 
cal Station.—A Digression.—The horrible Danger of committing 
the Cause of Stewardship to the test of Reason and Common Sense. 

Here it becomes necessary to advert to a singular cri- 
sis, the like to which had never occurred in the Stewardship 
of the Bull Family. Old Agricol, who had frequently 
symptoms of an insane state of mind, was now fallen into 
an entire derangement of faculties; and was no longer in 
any respect compos sui, or capable of any kind of business. 
It was, therefore, necessary that the business of the Steward¬ 
ship should be carried on by a deputy, or substitute. Agri- 
col’s eldest Son, now well advanced in life, naturally presented 
himself, as the indisputable depository of such a trust: and 




211 


John Bull and the Family were ready to have acquiesced in 
his immediate assumption of the station. When, to the 
confounding ot all consistency and rational conjecture, the 
Cabal and Steward’s Office, whose principle and practice it 
uniformly had been to spurn with contempt at all pretensions 
of the F ainily to interfere with the Steward’s authority, or to 
aim at any thing beyond absolute obedience and submission, 
—this very Cabal now set up the claim of the same Family 
entirely to dispose of the station of substitute, and the exer¬ 
cise of the Stewardship. 

This was, no doubt, perfectly right, according to the prin¬ 
ciples of the Albion Constitution ; but the farce was, the 
Steward’s Cabal setting up for this work of supererogation. 
This point came first under agitation in the time of Billy 
Badspeed; and was, indeed, his very last pretence to any 
thing consistent with the principles upon which he began his 
career. And in this he was heartily joined by the Stewardical 
Junto: not from any regard either for the principles of 
the Constitution, or rights of the Family; but in the one, 
from dread of the principles, and in the other, from jealousy 
of the abilities of his old rival, Carly Vulp. For the Young 
Agricol, seemingly a fine free fellow of nonchalance, had 
associated himself much with Vulp, and some other leaders 
of that party, who were supposed to act upon the true princi¬ 
ples of the Manorial Constitution, and to prefer the interest 
of John Bull and the Family to that of the Steward’s Of¬ 
fice : and he himself had made high professions of constitu¬ 
tional sentiments and principles. From these views it was rea¬ 
sonably supposed, that should Young Agricol assume the exer¬ 
cise of the Stewardship as a matter of right, and without re¬ 
strictions, he would of course bring into office and trust those 
with whom he was intimately associated, and whose principles 
he pretended to approve ; and thus the whole system upon 
which the Stewardship had been so long conducted, would be 

£ 


212 


subverted and changed. Therefore, as they could not well pro¬ 
pose to pass by the person of the next heir, they resolved to have 
him so restricted and shackled, that he should not be at liberty 
to make any material alteration in the conducting of the 
Stewardship, or to change those who were already in the princi¬ 
pal stations in the Steward’s Office, and on the Manor. In 
short, they determined to secure their own places, and that 
the authority of the Stewardship should remain in their own 
hands, even more absolutely than it had ever done before. 
And all this they knew they could effect by their pretended 
reference to the choice of the Family : for by the Family 
they only meant their nominal representatives in Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, whom they knew to be their own tools and instruments, 
and from whom they were conscious they could obtain a 
sanction to whatever restrictions they might please to propose, 
and in whatever terms they might choose to dictate. 

Upon such principles, and with such views, Young Agricol 
was admitted to the exercise of the Steward’s Office, in the 
name of his Father. But as the Cabal were sensible that 
making these restrictions permanent might be putting a knife 
to their own throats, it was provided that they should be in 
force only for a limited time ; within which time, if Old 
Agricol did not recover, they were to expire. 

The Steward’s malady continued and the period of limi¬ 
tations being expired, Young Agricol assumed the unrestrained 
exercise of the Stewardship. But, alas! how changed: 
and how much that change to the disappointment, mortifica¬ 
tion, and indignation of the Bull Family, and of every inha¬ 
bitant of the Manor!—No. I correct myself. Nothing 
could be more grateful than this change to every dependant 
upon and hanger-on of the Steward’s Office and Houshold, 
and all who shared in the fruits of their rapacity and the 
spoils of the Family. And these, indeed, from the Titulate 
with his £30 } 000, or c£40,000 a year, to the Taxman with his 



213 


,£lO inclusive, form no inconsiderable proportion of the folk 
on the Manor. 

So successfully, indeed, had those whom the restrictions 
obliged him to trust and employ, improved the occasion, and 
exerted their mind-debasing influence, that by the time the 
restraints on his exercise of the Stewardship expired, Young 
Agricol was become as selfish, as narrow-minded, as much 
a mere Steward, as the most depraved of the race could be : 
and from a seemingly gay companion and gallant youth, of 
whom generous hopes had been entertained, has proved a 
mere selfish, s—n—sh lump of insignificance—a man of straw ; 
only somewhat more expensive in the trimming. 

.As a specimen, however, how faithfully the Family 
principles are adhered to, we will just mention two among 
the earliest acts of his unrestrained exercise of the Stew¬ 
ardship. Old Agricol had a large Family of Sons and 
Daughters all alive ; for each of whom a certain liberal al¬ 
lowance, of some thousand pounds a year had been made 
from their birth by the Bull Family. Of the Daughters, 
four remained at home with their Mother unmarried ; and 
stout, buxom, likely lasses they are. Each of these had, as 
we have said, a handsome yearly allowance, as pin-money, or 
what you please, from the Bull Family; and their Father, 
independent of the Stewardship, is said to be the richest indi¬ 
vidual in the whole country round, Stewards not excepted. 
And no wonder, if, as is asserted upon good authority, his 
Grandfather had really amassed more than fifteen millions 
sterling before his death. Yet Y oung Agricol made it one 
of the first steps of his Stewardship to burden the Bull 
Family with an addition of .ft),000 a year to each of these 
idle spinsters ; and that at the very time when half the Family 
could not get bread to eat: and for this wanton extravagance 
he really obtained the sanction of the Palaverium, the faithful 
guardian of the Bull Family and Fortune! 



214 


Yet, with all this superfluous profusion, the poor girls are 
never likely to get husbands. Indeed, their Father, probably 
thinking it a contamination of his blood to let it mingle with 
that of the Bull Family, had a few years ago got a law 
made, under sanction of the same all-complying Paiaverium, 
to forbid, and to render unlawful and void every match or 
marriage that might take place between any of his race or 
kindred, and any of the Bull Family, or any inhabitant of 
the Manors of Great Albion or Green Erin, without his ex¬ 
press consent. 

The above unconscionable and extravagant step of the 
Deputy Steward in behalf of his Sisters, at a time when the 
Bull Family were absolutely starving, was generally ascribed 
to the influence of the old dame, their Mother: who, 
though an excellent domestic economist, is said to be exceed¬ 
ingly fond of finery for herself and her Daughters, and selfish 
and avaricious in the extreme ; as fully possessed of the senti¬ 
ment, that John Bull and all that he possesses are the legitimate 
property and patrimony of her Husband and Family. 

The other step of Agricol’s early exercise of the Stew¬ 
ardship which we shall mention, was the reinstatement of 
his Brother, the sculking Cub, in the place and station of 
Lawyer General. A step of so unequivocal a character, 
that nothing here need be said upon it. 

The Deputy Steward and the Lawyer General, each at 
the head of his department, may be equally significant, or 
equally insignificant, and the Family give themselves little 
concern about them. It matters not whether a man or a 
mule, a goose or an ass, a lob or a log, bear those names. 
Luckily, in the present instance, neither of them are much 
seen, heard, or thought of. The business of their respective 
offices is done by subordinate Agents ; and if these be persons 
of competent capacity, diligence, and honesty, it. is of small 
importance w hat the nominal heads of the departments be. 

We have already observed, that the Bull Family produces 


215 


excellent lawyers. Indeed if their briefs be well drawn up, 
distinct, and clear ; and money, the sine qua non in all law 
proceedings, sufficiently supplied, no Courts can produce 
abler pleaders, or more successful solicitors ; nor, indeed, 
any equal to them : and though John Bull’s Steward and 
the Cabal had implicated him in the present lawsuit without 
the least pretence of necessity, and with the most unjust and 
unjustifiable views; nay, upon the most treacherous and insi¬ 
dious motives and designs,—that of suppressing the spirit of 
liberty on the Albion Manor, and extinguishing its kindling 
embers in every Manor on Terrafirm; yet being once inex¬ 
tricably engaged, it must be acknowledged, that in the course 
of the proceedings John Bull’s lawyers have wonderfully 
distinguished themselves; and by many important and deci¬ 
sive trials at bar, have gained both for themselves and the P'a- 
mily, a name and character that can never be forgot. Indeed, 
when issue has been joined upon any particular point, they 
have seldom failed to carry it by a clear verdict; those pro¬ 
ceedings excepted, in which the Cub in person conducted 
the cause. 

A digression, in which the Memoirs look back a little to 
pick up some paralipomena.—This long and ruinous quarrel 
has from its commencement to the present time, by the Stew- 
ardical Junto and the implicit echo of their senseless sequa¬ 
cious dupes, been uniformly styled, a just and necessary 
lawsuit : though in that respect it has several times changed 
its character. 

In its cause and commencement it had just as much pre¬ 
tence to justice and necessity, and not much more to reason 
and common sense, than an expedition to make a conquest of 
the moon, or a scheme to prescribe laws to the planets. 
But when, after being made sensible of their folly* and 
madness, they sent messengers to propose and solicit a com¬ 
promise ; and their messengers were insulted, repulsed, 
spurned, and expelled the mansion of Lisle, and the Frank- 


216 


land Manor, what could be done consistent with the 
spirit and character of the Bull Family? That John Bull 
should submit to such contemptuous treatment, and lay him*- 
self prostrate at the feet of the frantic and insulting Franks, 
was a*thing not to be proposed. Hence the continuance of 
the suit certainly became in some degree just and necessary. 
But this crisis, and of course this character, was not ot long 
continuance : for on Microcorn being constituted chief Agent 
on the Frankland Manor, contemning the unmeaning affecta¬ 
tion of Stewardical formality, he, in a free, natural, and libe¬ 
ral way, wrote a letter personally to Agricol, the Albion 
Steward, proposing a compromise of the lawsuit, and the 
restoration of friendship and good neighbourhood between 
the two Manors and Families. A compromise, and repose 
from the agitation and ruinous expence of law was, no doubt 
much wanted on both sides, but especially on the Albion 
Manor: and in the free and open way commenced by Mi¬ 
crocorn, might probably have been easily and advantageously 
accomplished. But, what! Shall the sacred Majesty of the 
legitimate Stewardical character condescend to treat with 
mere mortal humanity, in the open and intelligible forms of 
reason and plain common sense ! Forms, the violation of 
which might infer a breach of truth, honour, or honesty, were 
they to be violated ? Whereas a thousand most solemn Stew¬ 
ardical forms may be violated, and are violated, by every indi¬ 
vidual of the race, whenever interest or conveniency require 
it, without the least imputation of perfidy or dishonour. 
Rather than so commit the sacred cause of Stewardism, 
perish John Bull and all his Family ! What were the lives of 
an hundred thousand of them, to escape such sacrilege. 
This were scarce less impious, than it would be, to reduce 
God-like Royalty to a level with mere earthly humanity, with 
one of the swinish multitude. Flow horrible ! Is not the 
dread of this the very object for which millions of lives have 
of late been so lavishly, and so laudably, sacrificed ? Is it not 
for this, that the soil of every Manor on Terrafirm has been 


217 

so triumphantly fattened with the blood of its inhabitants ? 
And is not this the object, to promote which, and to excite 
every spirit, and impel every hand to the support of which, 
the blood and treasure of the Bull Family have been so long, 
and so profusely lavished ? Is not this what they mean by 
supporting social order An order—away with irony—an 
order, by which the blood of millions of useful beings has 
been wantonly poured, and millions more reduced to misery 
and want, that a few, and those the most useless and insigni¬ 
ficant, the most worthless and debased of their kind, # may 
wallow in luxury and voluptuousness beyond all the ends and 
enjoyments of nature. O wretched mortals ! how long will 
you resign yourselves the willing dupes, the ready tools, of 
the most depraved and pernicious of the human race, to the 
frustrating of ail the wise and good uses and enjoyments of 
your being ; to the perversion of all the blessed and beneficent 
ends and designs of nature ? 

O Thou, the destined restorer of all the perversions of na¬ 
ture! when wilt thou come; and in mild, yet vindictive 
Majesty, put down 1 this perverted rule, all this destructive 
authority and powe and establish thy righteous Kingdom 
and Government in 1 11 the regions of thy dominions ? Amen.j* 
But to resume our less auspicious subject. 

* For instance:—The sottish Ferdinand of Naples; the debased 
Charles and the detested Ferdinand of Spain ; the insane Isabella of Por¬ 
tugal, and the equally incapable John, Prince Regent of the same ; the 
crazy Gustavus of Sweden; the monkey Paul of Russia; with the unnamed 
Nothing of Sardinia. The imbecile Frederick of Denmark is now' 
no more : of his Son we know little, and will say nothing. And as 
little will we say of some other names, which it might not be expedient 
here to mention. Such a concurrence is surely unequalled, and must be 
ominous. Surely “ He pouretli contempt upon Princes.” Such are the 
drivelling Sovereigns of Europe, to whose disposal more than 100 millions 
of the most enlightened race, of the most enlightened age, voluntarily 
consign themselves!— Pret. Com. 

t Surely our Memorialist must here have forgotten himself; or, is it 
only here that he shews himself? 


218 


Whatever might be AgricoFs own sentiments on the sub¬ 
ject of Microcorn’s Letter, or whether he might at this 
time be capable of any sentiment, those who had gotten him 
into their hands, besides their Stewardical pride, were too 
conscious of the insidious principles and pretences upon 
which they had been acting through the whole of this execra¬ 
ble quarrel, to trust themselves and their cause on the footing 
of reason, common sense, and plain honesty. 

It is true, this Microcorn, in point of capacity and personal 
prowess, is nearly as superior to the present drivelling race 
of Stew ards, as a man is to a monkey. So that to have com¬ 
mitted their cause to a decision between two such parties, 
would certainly have been a very unequal match. Without, 
therefore, condescending to implicate the sacred Stewardical 
name and character in such an unhallowed and merely human 
encounter, some of the Agents in the office wrote a superci¬ 
lious Letter to Microcorn, in the usual costive style of Stew¬ 
ardical correspondence : and though this proposal for termi¬ 
nating the disastrous quarrel was spurned without deigning 
even to hear the terms, yet the cause w as still styled a just 
and necessary lawsuit . However, not long after, a composition 
w r as patched up, in the usual way, and w ith the usual faith 
and honour on both sides, as may be inferred from its conti¬ 
nuance, that of a few months; at the expiration of which the 
lawsuit was renewed with equal ardour and animosity, and 
with equal pretensions to justice and necessity, on both sides. 


219 


Chap. VI. 

Contents. —The Narrative resumed.—Microcorn justly an object of 
jealousy to his apish Antagonists.—Specific Characters of eacli of 
the drivelling Drones of the present Stewardical race.—Execrable 
attack upon Copenhogen by order of the Bull Steward’s Office.— 
This wretched degradation of the Stewardical race the natural effect 
of propagating In and In with less regard to the Breed than a 
Farmer has for his cattle. 

Let us now proceed in our Narrative.—Of the Deputy 
Steward and Lawyer General, of the latter especially, little 
is said, or heard : and of that little, the less that is reported 
the better, perhaps, both for the parties and the reporter. 
The Deputy does indeed, as might become his station, make 
attempts to draw some public notice to himself; but these 
attempts are for the most part so marked by folly and bound¬ 
less expence, that at this time, when the Bull Family, at 
whose cost they are exhibited, are struggling with bankruptcy, 
they excite rather disgust and resentment, than admiration and 
applause: or if they have any favourable effect, it is to turn 
attention from the strong detestation of vice, to the slighter 
contempt of folly. 

Of the Lawyer General the name is scarce heard. But 
by whomsoever the business of that department is conducted 
at home, it must be acknowledged, that some vigorous pro¬ 
ceedings, and not without success and honour, were the cause 
good, have taken place abroad. But these have for the 
most part been exhibited in the Courts on Terrafirm ; whither 
John Bull’s Agents are obliged to pursue the quarrel, and 
seek for an adversary ; having none nearer with w hom to 
contend. Particularly one Bellington has displayed great 
abilities, and acquired a name equal to any that ever appeared 



220 


in his profession. He has especially been engaged with great 
success in recovering the Manor of Iberia out of the grasp of 
Microcorn ; who had by the most shameless chicanery 
choused the contemptible Lord Strut, and his still more des¬ 
picable Son, out of it; and had consigned it over to his own 
brother Joe. But, cui bono? to what purpose this recovery? 
when he into whose hands it is now come, is to him from 
whom it was taken, as a serpent to a dove, or an ass to ail 
angel. Had these proceedings been undertaken, and carried 
on for the purpose of vindicating the freedom and rights of 
the folk on the Iberian Manor, once a noble and generous 
race; they would, no doubt, have been glorious to the Agent 
employed in them, and honourable for his employers: but 
this purpose, it must be confessed, would have been directly 
contrary to all the ends and views with which the Bull Stew¬ 
ard’s Office had excited, and carried on this quarrel. 

But the most conspicuous object in this renewed lawsuit 
was the great Microcorn himself. The dread, envy, and 
jealousy of whom, by the neighbouring Stewards, was the 
principal cause of renewing the quarrel; though by the Junto 
of the Steward’s Office still termed a just and necessary law¬ 
suit : and this, the debauched or deluded dupes of the Bull 
Family, like parrots, still repeat. 

This Microcorn might indeed justly excite the jealousy 
and dread of the drivelling drones, the degenerated Stewards 
of Euporia around him. Most of whom, at the period of 
his starting up, were, by a strange fatality, or through the 
natural effects of Stewardical birth and education,* sunk 
below even the common characteristics of humanity, into, or, 
on the very borders of mere idiotism. 

Of the strangely degraded characters of this rank of men, 
at the period we have in hand, it may not be uninteresting to 
give some more particular description. 

* “ He who is born in the Purple is seldom worthy to reign.” Gib. 
v. 10. p. 72.— Fret. Com . 


221 


To begin at the Southmost extremity of Terrafirm, and 
take them in order.—Fernandes, Steward of Neapolis, is no¬ 
toriously known for a mere oaf; if ever noticed for any thing, 
it is for privation of intellect, and debasement of character. 
His kinsman Carlos, Lord Strut, Steward of Iberia, is, if 
possible, still more degraded. To the first, his Wife, of the 
haughty family of Squire South, still attracts some respect. 
Of the last, his Wife, not less distinguished for profligacy 
than the Husband for folly and imbecility, has raised the 
Family to the very apex of infamy as well as incapacity. Of 
two brothers raised from beggary, lusty fellows no doubt, the 
successive paramours of the Wife; the last, the Traitor 
Dogoy, by the intrigues of the Wife and the nothingness of 
the Husband, having become absolute master of the Iberian 
Manor and the folk upon it, most basely sold and consigned 
both over to Microcorn; who, having decoyed the Father 
and Son within the precincts of the Frankland Manor, seized, 
and clapt both into prison, and took forcible possession of 
the Manor ; the degraded Iberians scarce presuming to claim 
any right in the disposal of themselves. # 

Of the nameless Steward of Sardin, little, I think, beside 
the title is heard, or known; and in a scene of so much inte¬ 
rest and excitement to Stewardism, he who acts so silent and 
passive a part can be no great exception among drivellers. I 
believe it has also been heard that an annuity of cFSOC^OOO 
has been assigned him during this lawsuit, out of John Bull’s 
pocket by his Steward’s Office—no drivelling consideration 
it must be acknowledged—but for what, let him declare who 
can divine; for it is far beyond all human conjecture. 

The Stewardical Family of Lusitania has long been in a 
state of acknowledged incapacity and idiotism. The Parent 
under the constant constraint of insanity, and the Son a mere 

* If the present usurper, the beloved Fernandos, be thought any excep¬ 
tion to our drivellers, it must be for a more desperate degree of depravity. 



222 


name under which to carry on the business of the Manor; 
but has been 'publicly announced to be incapable of ever 
acting in any capacity as sui juris. 

The disastrous state of the Albion Steward we have already 
been obliged to notice: and on so deplorable a subject we 
will not add a word more. 

Of the High Bailiff of Nick Frog’s Estate, of the family 
of D’Orasis, we may judge by the efforts he has been able to 
make in his own behalf; which will scarce entitle him to 
form an exception where drivellers are the subject. After 
sculking some time, little regarded on the Frog Manor for 
fear of the Franks, he at last made his escape, and cast him¬ 
self with all his Family on the charity of poor John Bull; the 
common asylum of expulsed Stewards, drivellers and all. 

Of the Landpirate Pruss little shall be said ; he is certainly 
of a race that one day did not drivel; but from the vigour of 
that race he also is certainly greatly degenerated. 

Squire South has long boasted the fate-commanding star 
of his house ; and it must be confessed, that even now, when 
all his neighbours are sinking into imbecility and ruin, he still 
stands more erect than his fellows : and having especially 
allied himself with the invincible Microcorn, he may yet lay 
some claim to stand an exception from the drivellers. 

The great Paul us, sole Autocrate of all the Ruscovies must, 
no doubt, have latent parts; since such indisputable judges 
as John Bull’s Stewardical Junto have bestowed upon him, 
by way of eminence, the style of the magnanimous—the great 
souled Paul. \et if we were to form our judgment, either 
from reports that have reached our ears, or from portraits 
that have met our eyes, the purest Stewardical birth with the 
most periect Stewardical education, could scarce produce any 
thing in human character and form nearer to the ape. His 
son and successor, the present Alex, has certainly given 
promise, and excited hopes, of something above the common 


223 


strain of Stewardism : whether his future conduct will con¬ 
firm these hopes, and tend to vindicate Stewardism from dri¬ 
velling, must be left to the event to determine. 

The Steward of Danmarch has been long in a state of 
entire incapacity. Of his Son, who acts for him, we know 
little, and will say less. He is the kinsman of our adored 
Agricol; and his Junto have acted a most stewardly and 
kinsman-like part towards him. As Microcorn was driving 
all the drivelling Stewards before him, and seizing on their 
Manors, he began to approach the Danmarchian Manor. 
Now Fad, the Young Steward, had a very fine collection of 
watercraft kept up for the defence of his Manor. This 
useful and important Propagnoculum, lest it might fall into 
the hands of Microcorn, his affectionate uncle, or his Agents, 
very obligingly offered, without fee or reward, to take off his 
hands into their own entire possession. But this very friendly 
offer Fad and his Danmans, very ungratefully, did not alto¬ 
gether approve; thinking, perhaps, that if it was lost to them, 
it made little difference into wdiose possession it went. He, 
besides, might represent that even should Microcorn have 
taken possession of it, he still could never have removed it 
from the Danmarchian ports to his own in defiance of the 
Bull watercraft: and it w ould then have been time enough 
for them to have taken possession of it for themselves when 
he was sure to lose it. 

But all this had no weight with AgricoPs Agents. They 
insisted on its being absolutely and immediately given up to 
them. Fad then told them that he would sooner see it burnt 
to ashes, and his mansion house along with it, than submit to 
such an unjust and insolent demand. 

Fad, no doubt, did not think, notwithstanding their threat¬ 
ening, that any thing so desperately wicked, so daringly atro¬ 
cious, as the seizing cf his watercraft, assaulting and firing 


224 


his house over his head, and all his Family in it, could se¬ 
riously be intended, far less executed, by a neighbour and 
kinsman, with whom he was in perfect peace and friendship. 
But he was mistaken. Those who had got the Bull Family 
affairs into their hands at this time, were not more distin¬ 
guished for their folly and perverted policy, than for their 
contempt of all the laws of justice, honour, and humanity. 

Fad drew up his watercraft close to his principal man¬ 
sion, which stood upon the water, and resolved to defend 
them to the last extremity. The Bull watercraft was ordered 
to seize it. They were resisted; and in consequence, not 
only was Fad’s watercraft destroyed, but his noble mansion 
of Copenhogen was set on fire about his ears with all his Fa¬ 
mily and people shut up in it; who perished in numbers in 
the flames ; and were at the same time attacked with all the 
fury of the bullies and bravos engaged in the work. At last. 
Fad, in pity, to save the remains of his wretched family and 
people, was obliged to submit to the will and disposal of his 
affectionate Uncle’s Agents. 

The above is a transaction certainly worthy to be set by 
itself, by all Memorialists ; as scarce to be equalled even in 
the records of Stewardical perfidy and violence. 

But to conclude our Stewardical Catalogue. The Heredi¬ 
tary Steward of the Swaddland Manor had been by the folk 
on that Manor expelled, as altogether incapable of his sta¬ 
tion : whether as a driveller or demoniac it is unimportant 
to decide : and from any thing heard, or known, or done by 
him, who now nominally holds the office, it may be suspected 
that he is something below even a mere driveller. 

As to the small fry of new-hatched Stewardlings—of No¬ 
thing, nothing can be said. They are such as it suited him 
who made them that they should be. Flad they been conspi¬ 
cuous exceptions to the character of drones and drivellers, 


226 


they had never been made Stewards. And he who made 
them, did it in the confidence that he could unmake them 
again whenever it should suit him. 

The above degraded state of Stewardism, the natural ef¬ 
fect of propagating In and In, with less regard to the breed 
than a farmer pays to that of his stock, is surely a striking 
phenomenon, and must be thought ominous. Yet, what is 
scarce less strange than the phenomenon itself, this degrada¬ 
tion excites no notice or attention from the deluded dupes 
and victims of a combination of drivellers and demons. 


Chap. VII. 

Contents.— Microconi’s Expedition against Alex, the Russ :—frustrated 
by the mere operation of Nature and the Season:—its Consequences: 
—the Expulsion of Microcorn from the Frankland Manor:—the Ex- 
tinction of every free Manor in Euporia, and the Consignment of its 
whole Inhabitants to the despotical disposal of four Individuals, 
Russ, Pruss, South, and Agricol and his Agents.—Thus an Under¬ 
taking constantly held forth to be for the Establishment of Freedom, 
and social Order, terminates in consigning almost the whole of civi¬ 
lized Society to Despotism, and the Disposal of a few Individuals, 
the weakest and most worthless of their kind. 


Now once more to resume our narrative. To enter 
into any particular detail of the renewed law proceedings 
would be both endless and unprofitable. Suffice it to ob¬ 
serve, that of the different parties concerned in the quarrel, 
some might be found at one time on one side, at another 
time on the opposite; according as their interests or pros¬ 
pects seemed to lead them. Only John Bull, who really had 
no interest of his own at all in the suit, by the intrigues ot 


VOL. II. 


9 





226 


the Steward’s Agents, was constant and uniform in his exer¬ 
tions to keep up the quarrel, and to engage all parties against 
Microcorn and his Franks. Next to the Bull Steward, Alex 
the Russ, was the most strenuous in his exertions ; but may 
be found sometimes on one side, sometimes on the other. At 
one time we find him and Microcorn mutually professing the 
closest union by a league which could never be dissolved or 
broken, # and threatening the Bull Steward and party with 
the consequences. A few months after, we find Microcorn 
with all his bullies and bravos in full march towards Alex’* 
capital mansion, and threatening to turn him out of doors ; 
or at least to give the law to him in his own House of Peters- 
ville, and prescribe to him how he should rule his own Fa¬ 
mily and Manor; and also what connections he should form, 
and how far he should meddle in the affairs of any of his 
neighbours. 

Here was a most inviting opportunity for John Bull’s 
Agents to draw him in for money to induce Alex the Russ to 
defend himself, and maintain the possession of his own house : 
which no doubt he would have done equally vigorously, and 
equally effectually without it. Yet were millions of John 
Bull’s money lavished on the occasion. 

Fortunately, this capital mansion lay at a considerable dis¬ 
tance ; and besides the interruptions that Alex might con¬ 
stantly throw in the way, the road to it was naturally not very 
good. But as Microcorn proposed to march with his whole 
train of bullies, bravos, and banditti, he thought nothing 
could stop his course, or hinder his finally reaching it. But 
in this he happened to be mistaken : for though he still kept 
advancing, yet, by digging up the roads, breaking down 
the bridges, and way-laying him in the woods, and at 
every difficult pass encountering him with a set of bullies and 


* See an Attempt at Negoeiation in 1808.— Pret. Com. 


227 


bravos, in hardihood and perseverance at least, not inferior 
to his own, Russ not only interrupted and prolonged his jour- 
ne y> but cut off such numbers of his train, that his ever reach¬ 
ing Petersville, the capital mansion, appeared very doubtful; 
and could he have reached it, it was still more doubtful that 
he could be that time in any condition to accomplish his 
threatening. 

But to crown all his disasters, and indeed to secure his 
ruin, the obstructions above mentioned had so retarded his 
journey beyond his reckoning, that he found himself over¬ 
taken by winter, in a country and climate, for the rigours 
of which, he and his train were altogether unprovided; be¬ 
sides the opportunity it gave his opponent to cut off every re¬ 
source for shelter or sustenance that might enable him to 
support or overcome his disasters. 

Microcorn had, however, with great loss of numbers and 
strength, pushed himself forward to Moscoville, a vast old 
mansion, belonging to Russ, which had formerly been the 
capital of the Manor ; and which, though now long deserted 
by the Steward’s Office and Family, was still a place of 
great concourse and accommodation. Here, Microcorn reck¬ 
oned upon passing the severity of the winter in great comfort 
and convenience ; and proposed visiting his friend Alex in the 
spring, cum zephyr is et hirundine prima. Alas, how mise¬ 
rably disappointed! 'The Russes, aware of his design, had 
stripped the place and the whole country round of every 
thing that could subsist man or beast; and a desperate fellow 
who had engaged to remain in Moscoville as long as he could 
with safety, when he quitted it set it on lire in a thousand 
places, and left behind hundreds of emissaries, engaged to 
keep up the flames: so that when Microcorn and his wretch¬ 
ed train arrived where they hoped to And comfortable quar¬ 
ters, they found them every where on Are about their ears, 
and not a morsel of victuals left to sustain them. 

2 2 • 









228 


Microcorn found his situation now almost desperate. It 
was the depth of winter, in a climate where at that season 
the face of nature is entirely shut up, and nothing but snow 
and ice is to be seen. The people of the country prepared 
for the scene, and habituated to the clime, erect houses, shops, 
and inns, even on the ice on their navigable rivers, and reside 
in them for months together. 

Microcorn made some attempts still to push forward to 
regions where some sustenance might be found: but in 
vain. With numbers now reduced, he was repulsed on every 
side, and driven back to his destined quarters, which were 
freely abandoned to him. His last resource was to attempt 
to tread back his steps, and retrace the wasted apd desolated 
regions he had left behind him, which were now nearly as desti¬ 
tute of sustenance as those the Russes had purposely laid 
waste before him. And here such a scene of horror and mi¬ 
sery took place as is truly painful for human nature to con¬ 
template ; although it is the natural consequence, and deserved 
lot, of perverted human passions and pursuits. Microcorn 
now found himself in a state of the utmost wretchedness and 
despair; his followers dropping by thousands around him for 
want of food, in regions that presented nothing but snow. 
The men and their horses frozen into statues, lay in heaps 
congealed to death : and on the return of spring their car¬ 
cases were piled up, literally into hills of dead, and consumed 
with fire, least their petrifaction should infect the atmosphere, 
and produce pestilence and disease over the country. Their 
leader at last abandoned them, and made his way to less rigid 
climates; and arrived almost alone at his capital mansion of 
Claypool. 

Thus, he whom all the pow r ers of Euporia had been for 
years in vain combined to oppose, was in the course of a few' 
weeks, independent of all human efforts, by the simple operation 
of nature and providence, most miserably ruined; and all 


229 

" 

i 

his presumptuous pretensions blasted and extinguished at 
once. For though he made efforts to resume his course, yet 
from this disaster his ejectment from the Frankland Manor, 
and his final ruin may be dated. He was soon after driven 
from all his usurped possessions, pursued even to his capital 
mansion of Claypool, and that taken possession of by his 
confederated enemies, with whom he was obliged to come to 
a very humiliating compromise ; so humiliating, indeed, and 
so unworthy of the vigour, spirit, and capacity, that he had 
on former occasions displayed, that it is at present impossible 
to account for his submitting to it; except it can be supposed 
that he really sacrificed himself and his fortunes to the wish 
or interest of the Franks : or, that he intended it as a mere 
temporary expedient, to gain lime till his genius or fortune 
should present some happier resource ; as, in fact, it really 
proved. 

By this compromise he agreed to resign all pretensions to 
the Frankland Manor, and all particular intercourse and con¬ 
nection with the Frank Family; and to sequestrate himself 
upon a small Islet in Middlepool, assigned him in sovereignty, 
with the continuance of the title of Emperator, either in 
irony, or in mere indifference, together with a very liberal al¬ 
lowance, which it was agreed to pay him annually. 

All the above may appear a very natural and fair conse¬ 
quence of the important ejectment at law. But by what 
law, Tight, or pretence, they could interfere between the Man 
and his Wife, it is difficult to conceive : yet they absolutely 
took his Wife and only Son, a mere child, from him, and 
have never allowed them to see or converse with one another 
since. The Wife being, indeed, the Daughter, and the Son, 
of course, the Granchild of the great Squire South, a suitable 
provision for them was an article of the composition entered 
into : but one which has been since entirely disregarded. It 
has even been attempted to induce the lady to marry another 






230 


% 

Husband. In this sequestrated state we will leave Microcorn 
for awhile, and resume our more immediate subject. 

Nothing could exceed the triumph and exultation of the con¬ 
federates upon this occasion; especially the Albion Steward’s 
Office, and the Bull Family law-faction, who in spite of every 
disaster and remonstrance had urged on the lawsuit, setno bounds 
to their exultation and self-applause. And even the Family and 
Folk on the Manor in general, though escaped but with the 
skin of their teeth, were glad to have survived, and seen the 
close, as they thought, of so desperate and destructive a quar¬ 
rel into which they had been dragged by the mere folly and 
presumption, not to say the diabolical designs of the Stew r - 
ard’s Office and Agents ; and from which, though they might 
not be fully aware that it was intended directly against their 
own freedom and interest, they knew they had nothing to ex¬ 
pect or gain but expence and ruin. The Family now once 
more began to cherish hopes ;—alas ! how soon to be extin¬ 
guished by still more desperate prospects! 

At this time the chiefs of the confederacy, Russ, Pruss, 
and South, were all met at Claypool, the capital mansion 
of the Frankland Manor, whither the Bull Baby also sent a 
representative. And the whole of Euporia, and almost of 
Terra Cognita, being now in their hands, they industriously 
set about disposing of it; and that, at first, with more seeming 
justice and moderation than might have been expected from 
such characters. So that a superficial observer might have 
been tempted to believe that they had really enlarged their 
minds from the narrow and debasing character of Steward- 
ism, and aspired at the dignity and worth of men. But they 
knew that the whole race of Euporians was in their hands, 
and as they run no risk of being held to their word, 
a seeming moderation might tend to lay suspicion asleep, and 
their subsequent conduct shewed how impossible it is for the 
leopard to change his spots. Having now removed from 


2S1 


Claypool to Vienn, where they were less likely to be interrupt¬ 
ed by any opposition of reason or stirrings of freedom, they 
soon displayed their natural and predominant character; and 
by their destination, they left not a single free Manor, nor 
even a free man, in Euporia. All were consigned over with¬ 
out reserve or resource, to the absolute possession of some 
arbitrary Steward of the legitimate fraternity. 

Formerly there were in Euporia numbers of Families and 
Manors, on which the folk claimed, and in some degree pos¬ 
sessed, the disposal of themselves and their own affairs. 
Every one of these was now absolutely disposed of by these 
usurpers. Thus Polandia, Saxonia, Flandria, the Frog Ma¬ 
nor, Genova, and a number of Farms on the great Manors of 
Germania and Italia, all hitherto exercising some degree of 
self-possession, were now by these conscientious guardians of 
human liberty, entirely consigned over to the absolute dispo¬ 
sal of arbitrary Stewardism; and every man of the many 
millions of Euporia, implicitly disposed of by four indivi¬ 
duals, Russ, Pruss, South, and the Bull Steward’s Agent. 
And this is all the fruit, and, indeed, was always the sole 
object of those ruinous lawsuits in which John Bull’s Stew r - 
ards and their Agents have kept him so long, and so obsti¬ 
nately engaged; and in which they have now seemingly suc¬ 
ceeded to their wish; though they have the effrontery to hold 
forth that they are contending for freedom and social order. 
An order, that shall consign the whole race of mankind to 
the arbitrary disposal of a few individuals, the most unprinci¬ 
pled, the weakest, and most worthless of their species. 




232 


Chap. VIII. 

Contents.--'T he Restoration of the Baboon Drones. 

But at present let us return to the Frankland Manor. 
The Franks and their Manor lying at this time entirely at 
the mercy of the confederates, they affected to leave them 
free, inviolate, and independent, within their ancient and na¬ 
tural limits. An instance, no doubt, of surprising modera¬ 
tion, in such characters, had it amounted in effect to any 
thing : but all this was mere pretence and affectation. For, 
under their auspices a few individuals who happened to be 
assembled at Claypool, originally under the sanction of Mi¬ 
crocorn, now changing their principles with the change ot 
parties, assumed the power to make laws, to form a constitu¬ 
tion, and to fix a government for the millions of the Franks, 
without once consulting them or asking their consent. And 
at the head of this deep devised, and strong built system, to 
carry it into execution, was placed the old discarded, and still 
disclaimed, Baboon Steward. Surely, if either the Franks 
or the confederates could think that such a scheme could be 
permanent, could be any thing, they must be weaker and more 
ignorant than children playing at kings and emperors in 
sport. 

To say any thing thing of the tenor or tendency of this 
scheme of Constitution, were quite superfluous. Had it been 
designed by angelic goodness, and formed by unerring wis¬ 
dom, the very idea ol a few unconsulted, unaccredited indi¬ 
viduals, forming and prescribing a Constitution and Laws, to 
rule and govern the most powerful, the most presumptuous, 
the most self-sufficient people on earth, is sufficient to render 
it idle, abortive, ridiculous,—more vain and visionary 


233 


than a castle in the air 1 And perfectly accordant with the 
sapient device of this scheme was the person who was to exe¬ 
cute it, the wretched cypher, Lewis Baboon * by his syco- 
phaut flatterers affected to be called Lewis the much-desired ; 
how justly, will be seen in the sequel. 

The Baboons had been expelled the Frank land Manor by 
the general act and impulse of the Frank Family; and for 
more than 20 years had sculked about in the neighbourhood, 
especially on the Albion Manor, scarce spoken or thought of 
either by friends or foes. But no sooner did they hear of 
the success of the confederates and the fall of Microcorn, than 
they began to bestir, and rouse themselves as much as rouse 
themselves they can ; and ventured to peep abroad from their 
lurking places ; and the chief of the Family soon presented him¬ 
self as a suitable head-piece, or rather tail-piece, to the above 
Constitution, surrounded by the drones of the ancient hive ; 
who hoped under such auspices again to resume their wonted 
w r aste, again to riot on the stock and labour of the indus¬ 
trious swarm. 

To the genuine Franks, now fretting under their present 
depression, the wretch who could take advantage of such a 
situation to obtrude himself upon them, under the sanction of 
foreign force, must be doubly an object of contempt and 
detestation.—A Craven who, while all Euporia were con¬ 
testing about what they considered as his inheritance, and 
straining beyond their strength to oppose his rival,—instead 
of appearing the foremost in every rencounter—-prodigal of 
blood, and even life itself, so as he might revenge his wrongs, 
or recover his rights—was fain to sculk obscure beyond the 
reach of danger, till all the strife was over, and then conies 
strutting and crowing upon the field. On John Bull’s Ma¬ 
nor he was sure no enemy could reach him. 

But among the Franks, as in every other Family, there 
were a set of the baser and more degenerate sort, the drones 




234 


of every hive. These, the repining appendages of the ancient 
Regime and of the Old Steward’s Office, when they heard of 
Microcorn’s ejectment, thought that all was now again their 
own ; and crowding around Lewis, escorted him with great 
parade, under the encouraging sanction of the Bull Stewaid’s 
Office, from his asylum in the Albion Manor, to Claypool, 
the Frankland Mansion-house : and so infatuated was the 
silly insignificant drone with his already unlimited power, that 
before he had reached his Mansion, without consulting any of 
the co-ordinate powers fixed by the Constitution—before one 
responsible person had given consent to his setting a foot on 
the Manor—he, in his journey, issued a Proclamation altering 
and restricting that Constitution. And as if his Stewardical 
Authority had been indeed indefeasible beyond the power of 
nature, fortune, or law, he dated this Proclamation in the 
nineteenth year of his Stewardship; which Stewardship he 
had not yet entered upon ; and which, in all probability, will 
never be of long continuance. 

By the Constitution above mentioned, liberty of speech 
and pen, the right of expressing and publishing their thoughts 
and opinions on all subjects, was declared to be the undoubted 
privilege of every Frank. But this was a privilege altogether 
incompatible with Lewis’ Stewardical ideas. Censors were 
therefore appointed, by whose judgment all persons were to 
think, speak, and write. 

This freedom of speech and pen is indeed the very palla¬ 
dium of liberty; and where it exists no gross abuse can long 
stand its scourge, while any sense of shame or honour remains. 
And where this freedom is lost, or left at the mercy of 
Stewards or their Agents, there can be no longer any pretence 
to genuine liberty. 


235 


v 

Chap. IX. 


Contents. The Restoration of the Baboons highly gratifying to the 
Bull Steward’s Office.—The sole Object for which they were con¬ 
tending, the absolute Subjection of every thing to Stewardism.— 
The incredible profusion of the Steward’s Office.—While thousands 
of the Bull Family are starving for want, a Sum to the amount of 
some Hundred Thousand Pounds, and that might free from distress 
25,000 useful families, is lavished upon a few individuals of no use or 
significance whatsoever. 


Nothing could be more grateful to the Bull Steward’s 
Office than this resumption of Lewis Baboon. The sole 
motive of the long and ruinous lawsuit which they had ex¬ 
cited, commenced, and carried on in every estate of Euporia, 
was their abhorrence of liberty, and dread of the folk pretend¬ 
ing to any right, power, or property in themselves; or to lay 
any restraint on, or prescribe any bounds or conditions to 
their Stewards. And the sole object proposed to be gained 
by this endless lawsuit, was the extinction of all such preten¬ 
sions, and. the supporting, extending, and establishing of 
unlimited Stewardical Authority, wherever their power or 
influence can reach. To obtain this end, they have kept 
John Bull for twenty years in a state of almost constant 
intoxication; while they have picked his pocket, squandered 
away his substance, and reduced him to bankruptcy, and his • 
family to beggary: the lives of thousands, and ten thousands, 
and hundreds of thousands of whom, they have beside sacri¬ 
ficed to this their execrable idol. Unlimited Stewardical 


Power. 

And when John has at any time so far recovered his senses 
as to struggle, or attempt to cry out at the wrongs done him, 
they have provided, as above stated, a strait-waistcoat to con- 



fine his hands, and it gag to clap in his mouth. And they 
seem determined to proceed as long as the Squire has a shil¬ 
ling to be extorted, or a wretched wight of the Family can be 
inveigled or driven to the slaughter; as, no doubt, thinking it 
better to extort the last penny from the Family, and share it 
among themselves and their pensionary Stewards on Terra- 
firm, than to leave John Bull either power, property, or 
liberty, to enable him to check or restrain the presumption 
and encroachments of Stewardism. And they are conscious, 
that by the secured prostitute compliance of Mrs. Bull s 
Office, the power, property, and persons on the Manor are 
all entirely at their disposal. 

But beside the millions perniciously profused On their fo¬ 
reign Confederates, what shall be said, or what shall be 
thought, of the thousands, ten thousands, twenty thousands, 
thirty thousands, and forty thousands a year lavished on indi¬ 
viduals of their mercenary and obsequious tools at home— 
an A—d—n, a B—ck—ng—m, a C—md—n, a B—-th—t, 
a Y—ke, a R—e, a C—nn—ng. This last, a cunning, pert, 
prattling fellow, pretending to honesty, though as great a 
knave as the Cabal can supply ; but apt to be troublesome, 
because he cannot obtain such a place among them as he 
thinks himself entitled to. So this growling cur has a sop of 
£ 12,000 a year given to silence him, and a further offal of 
0 ^ 8,000 thrown to him to send him out of the way at once, 
and get rid of his yelping. And this scheme has succeeded 
to admiration; for, I think, neither his name nor his noise 
have been heard of since he received his sop. It is indeed 
said he is set on the watch in an important station. But I 
think we have read no dispatches from the Steward’s Office 
of Lusitania since his being stationed there : and no wonder — 
for in Lusitania no Steward’s Office exists. 

Thus a sum, which at £Q0 each, in addition to their 
labour, might make 1000 useful families comfortable; or, at 


237 


£lO each, might relieve from distress double that nmSber— 
each individual of whom were of more utility in nature, and 
more importance to the Bull Family, than twenty such yelp¬ 
ing curs as C-n-g; though .£20,000 is thrown away, 
just to get rid of his petulant pretensions to honesty ; to 
which, it is hoped, he will never again have the assurance to 
pretend. It to these we add the number of families that, by 
the same calculation, might be relieved by the superfluous 
profusion of 10, 20, 30, or <£40,000 a year each, upon an 
A—d—n, a B-ck-ng-m, a C-md-n, a B-th-st, a Y-rke, a 
R-e, &c.: or, estimating the whole at <£250,000, which is 
below the actual amount of sinecures, superfluous pensions, 
and augmented salaries—we shall find what, at £l0 each, 
without slackening their industry, would relieve from distress 
even to starvation 25,000 families, useful and profitable to 
the Manor; this, we shall find lavished upon five or six 
individuals—worse than insignificant—pernicious, prosti¬ 
tute, perjured, purchased, and paid for the express pur¬ 
pose of supporting counsels, and promoting measures directed 
to the subversion of the Constitution, the perdition of their 
country, and the slavery of the race to which they belong. 

If, again, we suppose those 25,000 families to consist of 
five persons each, we shall find the distress of 125,000 indi¬ 
viduals-—perhaps nearly the number of the Bull Family that 
are now perishing with want—may be relieved without the 
smallest privation or inconveniency to one person on the 
Manor. For supposing those voracious drones really worthy 
of some consideration, besides their own possessions, they 
have most of them already amassed so much of the public 
money, that they can live even in luxury and voluptuousness, 
though stripped of those wages of prostitution and shame; 
by which they devour the labours of thousands of useful and 
industrious members of the commonwealth. 

The whole wealth and value of every Manor consists in 



238 


the fruit and profit of the labour bestowed upon it. The 
richest soil, the best land, without cultivation will produce 
nothing useful to man in a civilized state. And the greatest 

holder on the Manor of Albion, a N-rf-lk, a B-df-rd, &c. 

. / 

could not procure for himself bread to eat from all his land; 
nor a bed to lie on, or the most common conveniences of 
life from all his wealth, but for the art and toil of the indus¬ 
trious labourer and ingenious mechanic. A candid and inge¬ 
nious speculator, # even of the Stewardical party, allows that 
a labourer who earns but a shilling a day, pays <£\0 a year* 
or something more than one half of it, in taxes; beside the 
advantage the public derives from his labour. If, according 
to this calculation, we suppose a labourer, beside the scanty 
support of himself and family, to produce to the public ad¬ 
vantage £\0 a year, then we have the produce to the public 
of 25,000 useful individuals profused upon five or six, worse 
than useless, pernicious drones; already possessed of more 
than all the ends of nature can use, or even luxury consume 
or waste. 

It will perhaps be said in reply to the above, that instead 
of the mechanic and labourer contributing any thing to the 
public, their families must often be supported at the public 
expence. To this it may be replied, that the wages received 
by the artisan and labourer are by no means the measure by 
which to estimate the value of his labour to the public. 
Else, whence the great fortunes raised by some Master 
manufacturers; whence the million a year of the Steward’s 
salary, and the additional half million every other year to 
defray his debts, and supply the profligate profusion of the 
Steward’s Houshold; whence the hundreds of millions ex¬ 
pended in the quarrels of the Steward’s Office within the last 
twenty years ? All these have no other source than the indus¬ 
try and ingenuity of the labourer, artisan, and mechanic. For, 


Mr. Preston.— Pret. Com . 


239 


A 

as we have said before, the greatest titulate on the Manor, so 
far from supplying any thing to the public, could not find 
himself bread to eat, nor the common conveniences of life, 
without the labour of the industrious cultivator and ingenious 
mechanic. 

All is the gift of industry , whate’er exalts, 

JEmbeilislies, or renders life delightful. 

# 1 * " * 

No one, surely will say that an Ard-n, a B-ck-g-m, a C-md-n, 
a C-nn-ng, a P-tt, a C-stl-r-gh, ever produced a penny to the 
advantage of the public. And though there are who pretend 
that the services of such have deserved from it; vet it is to 
be feared that their services, nay their designs, have been 
more pernicious to the public than even their boundless waste 
of its substance. 

The above instances of profligate profusion, though facts 
notorious to all the Bull Family, must appear, in the existing 
state of the Family Finances, so irrational, so incredible, that 
the Editor will perhaps scarce escape the suspicion of false¬ 
hood, or exaggeration at least: he will therefore be a little 
more explicit upon the subject. 

It is a certain fact, which nothing but its notoriety could 
render credible, or justify any man in advancing, that while 
the Bull Steward’s Office is in a state of absolute insolvency, 
and the public Bank of the Manor has long stopped payment 
in cash; and while all business is carried on by circulating- 
slips of paper on the credit of the Family in general:—While 
all this is the case, the Agents of the Steward’s Office are 
lavishing, and daily augmenting, among themselves and their 
supporters, each his thousands, his ten thousands, his twenty 
thousands, and his thirty thousands a year, all out of the public 
stock; and spending it in enormous and unnatural luxury and 
voluptuousness. And these sums are profused upon persons 





240 


who never displayed a symptom of ability, worth, or merit of 
any kind, or ever willingly admitted one known to possess 
worth or principle to participate in their perfidious schemes 
and plunder; persons who never did a service to the Family, 
or ever can be expected to do any. Their sole merit con¬ 
sists in their being sure supporters, and unquestioning coad¬ 
jutors, to the Stewardical Junto in the most profligate and 

• r * « 

pernicious schemes they can possibly devise. Don C-md-n, 
indeed, who may be placed at the head of this meritorious, 
or to speak plainly, meretricious corps, on one occasion con¬ 
descended to exhibit himself in a conspicuous and important 
crisis. A crisis, which sacrificed the lives of thousands to 
perfidy ; and has entailed confusion, distress, and misery, 
ever since on the whole of the devoted Manor of Erin; of 
which in the next chapter. 


■ 









241 


Chap. X. 

Contfnts.—T he deplorable Effects of Stewardical Perfidy towards the 
Manor ot Erin and the Blunt Family,—commence under the Aus* 
pices ot Don G-md-n.—Further Strictures on the profligate Profu¬ 
sion of the Steward’s Office. 

. i * < 1 

T HE wretched inhabitants of Green Erin catching a 
spark from the flame of liberty that was kindling around 
them, and diffusing itself through the human race, had 
long made instant and strong, but respectful and loyal, remon¬ 
strances to the Albion Steward’s Office, on the subject of 
their enormous oppressions and wrongs ; and laid claim to 
the common rights and privileges of men and denizens on 
their own Manor. A claim so strongly supported by jus¬ 
tice, by reason, and by sound policy, that nothing but the 
most determined contempt of all reason, justice, and policy, 
could suggest an objection to it. Indeed so just, so clear, so 
irresistible did this claim appear, that in spite of their natural 
antipathy to freedom, it seems for a time even in the Stew¬ 
ard’s Office, to have been thought absolutely necessary to 
yield to it; or, at least to dissemble such yielding till they 
had prepared the means to resist it. 

In conformity with this state of affairs, and the proposed 
Compliance with it, the Erinites were encouraged to indulge 
the most sanguine hopes with respect to their claim and peti¬ 
tion : and in order to arrange measures for the intended con¬ 
cessions, and to derive the greatest advantage from them to 
both Families and Manors, Don Macwilliam, a person of 
generous principles, and incorruptible integrity and honour, 
was sent to Erin with the appointment of deputy Steward 
and supreme Agent on the Manor. In pursuance of the 

VOL. II. n 






242 


object of bis appointment, and in compliance with the- spi* 
rit of concession which he was commissioned to display, 
Macwilliam began his administration by treating even the 
Peterkins ar.d all the Blunt Family as freemen, and as 
of some account in the general prosperity of the Manors: 
and by this plan of proceeding he was so successful in con¬ 
ciliating all ranks and descriptions of persons on the Manor 
of Erin, that in spite of all past provocation, and notwith¬ 
standing their poverty and oppression, they raised such libe¬ 
ral and such large contributions for the charge of the Ma¬ 
nors and Stewardship as had never before been experienced# 
And, indeed, so pleased were the generous Erinites with the 
attention paid to them, and so elated with the prospect of 
the freedom and privileges they were now at last, after such 

•a ’ r t . • * - . * ? * 

long and severe struggles, sure of obtaining, that to speak in 
sacred terms,—“ They seemed ready, if it had been possible, 
to have plucked out their own eyes and to have given them to” 
John Bull and his Steward. But alas ! what is so frail as 
Stewardical purposes ? what so perfidious as Stewardical 
promises ? Of the strong disposition in the Stewardical 
Junto to obtain contribution, and draw money from the folk 
on both Manors no one will pretend a doubt; yet we have 
here a proof that their dread and horror of the least concession 
in favour of liberty is still stronger than even their rapacity; 
and the strongest at last is sure to prevail. Here nature 
forced from its bent, recoiled ; “ the dog returned to his vomit 
again.” 

O 

Just as the Falaverium and the whole authority on the 
Manor of Erin, atid Macwilliam in behalf of the Steward, 
had agreed to sanction the just liberty and privileges of the 
folk on the Manor of Erin, all was reversed in an instants 
every thing that had been conceded countermanded, and Mac¬ 
william required to contradict all the hopes he had held out 



243 


to tlie Erinites. * lie spurned the dishonourable proposal ; 
and aware of the shocking consequences that must follow 
such a deep and perfidious disappointment,indignantly resigned 
his station. And such a station in such circumstances who 
Would venture to hold, or accept? Defying all consequences 
the intrepid C-md-n presents himself; and with the contempt 
of Albion, and the execration of Erin, boldly assumes the ar¬ 
duous undertaking: in which during his inauguration he was 
with difficulty protected from the rage of the Family by the 
Stewardical bands of hired bailiffs and bravos. Of his prow¬ 
ess in this important station, I think we hear nothing. In* 
deed the scene soon became too awful for such unapt and 
imbecile hands. 

All order and deference for authority and law were now 
at once, as might be expected, extinguished on the Ma¬ 
nor of Erin ; and on the Stewardical side all civil proceed¬ 
ing is suspended, and every thing consigned to the power and 
authority of the Steward’s bailiffs and bravos. 

From the scenes of cruelty and blood that were now exhi¬ 
bited on both sides, the Writer shrinks with horror, disgust, 
and indignation. Thousands and ten thousands both of the 
Bull and Blunt Families were the wretched victims of these- 
transactions. Is! or does it appear that the brutified authors 
of all this misery ever shrunk from, or hesitated in their pur¬ 
pose, or shewed the least sign of remorse or regret for all the 
blood and slaughter their perfidy had produced. 

The conspicuous part he bore in bringing forward this 
scene of misery and destruction is, I think, the only public 

* All this is supposed to be the work of one Bcresbrook, who, having 
been superseded in an office by Macwilliam, repaired to Albion, and per¬ 
suaded the Steward’s Office to rescind every thing that they had sanc¬ 
tioned in favour of the Blunt Family. So to this wretched tool may be 
imputed all the misery and bloodshed consequent upon this disastrous 
crisis, which is operating even to this day. 

It 2 











244 


occasion on which the name of C-md-n appears, ana bf 
which he has merited his *£30,000 a year of John Bulls 
money: and while contempt of principle is so bountifully 
rewarded, the servile debasement of dons and dignitaries, 
considering what stuff they are made of, will excite no sur¬ 
prise. 

Don B-k-ng-m is, I think, to all important ends and pur¬ 
poses still less efficient than C-md-n ; but as little besides 
his name and relation to the Badspeed party is known or 
heard of, so little shall here be said of him. As he receives 
£30,000 a year of John Bull’s money, we may safely con¬ 
clude that he is a sure and trusty tool of the Stewardical 
Junto, in opposition to the Bull Family, whenever their inte¬ 
rests come in competition. Yet as he is not so zealous and 
obtrusive as the other, he may perhaps have some sentiments 
or feeling of compunction; though not virtue or honour suf¬ 
ficient to resist such a temptation. As to the other two, 
B-tb-st and Y-ke, they are so merely tools, that in no other 
respect were their names ever heard of. B-th-st, indeed, has 
three or four other appointments heaped upon him ; for all 
of which lie receives large emoluments, and is on the whole, 
perhaps, of as much use and importance to the Junto as an 
old clock that marks to the Family the arrival and passage of 
the hours. 

As to Y-ke, I think, the only occasion on which his name 
has been heard, and that by which he merited his thousands, 
w?as when a point highly interesting to John Bull was to be 
discussed in Mrs. Ball's Office, and on which he knew the 
Cabal and all who adhered to them must stand in direct op¬ 
position to the Family interest, he proposed and insisted on 
it,—that John Bull should be ordered out of doors, that he 
might not know how shamefully he was betrayed, nor W'ho 
Were his principal enemies ; for never was the maxim so true, 
.—a man's enemies are those of his own house ,—as in the 
case of John Bull’s House. 









245 


Agricol C-nn-g, as of more obscure original than the 
others, is obliged to aim at a more active aud conspi- 
cuous part in order to raise himself to notice. At the 
time above alluded to, when the spirit of liberty aroused in 
Columbia, and rampant in Frankland, had diffused its ioffu- 
ence in some degree to all the neighbouring Manors, and 
nature and reason threatened to resume their rights:—at 
such a crisis every effort of sophistry, deception, and false 
reasoning were required and had recourse to in order to con¬ 
found reason and truth, and mislead the multitude. When 
thus all manner of fraud, falsehood, and imposture were put 
in requisition, this prater, conscious of his talent for sophistry 
and deception, presented himself a ready instrument for 
such service ; and undertook a journal for the express pur¬ 
pose of diffusing ; and by such services arrived at great in¬ 
fluence and importance with the Junto, But not according in 
all things with them, and being, as we have said, a powerful 
prater, he was sometimes found very importunate and trou¬ 
blesome. So to get rid of him and stop his mouth at once, 
it was agreed to throw him the above sop of c£20,000 a year 
out of John Bull’s pocket; and to send him on a sleeveless 
errand to the Steward’s Office of a neighbouring Manor, 
where there was, in fact, neither Steward nor Steward’s Of¬ 
fice ; nor, indeed, any other object in view but to get him 
out of the way, and to find a pretence to pay him the stipu¬ 
lated price of his forbearance. Of course, though his ap¬ 
pointment is now of considerable standing, we do not, I 
think, find in the journals of Stewardical transactions one 
dispatch from the Albion Agent in Lusitania. 

Besides the above there are others without number who 
have their hundreds, their thousands, and their ten thousands. 
And as if they could not procure single recipients sufficient to 
exhaust their cumbersome stores, six or seven several ap- 


i 



24G 


pointments may be found heaped upon one individual; for 
instance, how many does the above B-th-st hold ? And all 
paid out of John Bull’s pocket; and for the same pros¬ 
titute purpose of securing their influence and efforts to op¬ 
pose and betray the Family whenever their interests come in 
competition with those of the Stewardical Cabal. 





BOOK XI. 


S 


Chap. I. 

.Contents. —Upon the Restoration of the Baboons no small Merit as¬ 
sumed by the Stewardical Junto; and however equivocal, allowed 
by their well paid Terrafirmal Coadjutors.—Russ and Pruss pay a 
visit to John Bull:—the pitiful Case of the Deputy Steward, who 
durst not accompany them in public for the hissing and hooting of 
the Folk in the Streets ;—the Pandemonian Congress :—its benefi¬ 
cent Design and Object,—that of taking upon itself the entire Dis¬ 
posal, Care, and Concerns of the whole Inhabitants of Euporia. 

Lewis BABOON being restored, and that chiefly by the 
exertion and at the expence ot the Bull family, no small 
praise was claimed by the Junto, who assumed the merit of 
having weathered the storm, and brought the vessel safe into 
port. How far their claim to this merit was well-founded, 
will appear hereafter : and even had this claim really been 
valid, all the merit they could with any justice pretend to 
could amount only to this,—that after the utmost damage to 
the vessel, and loss of great part of the lading and crew, in a 
storm to which they had most ignorantly and obstinately ex¬ 
posed themselves and vessel, they had with extreme danger 
escaped entire shipwreck. 










243 


However the Junto were, by their well paid coadjutors, 
Russ, Pruss, and South, allowed no little merit. And truly, 
whether their conduct be ascribed to folly or liberality, it is 
certainly entitled to the approbation and admiration ot those 
who profited so much by it. In consequence ot tins admi¬ 
ration, Russ and Pruss, being so near as at Claypool, resolved 
to pay John Bull a visit; to see with their own eyes that 
Manor, and converse face to face with that people, of which 
the admirable Constitution of the one, and the unbending 
spirit of the other, even in the hands of depravity and folly, 
could sustain themselves, and seem to set fate at defiance. 
We say to pay John Bull a visit; for certainly both the ad¬ 
miration and consequent visit had more lespect to John Bull 
and the energetic character of the folk on the Manor than to 
any thing attractive of either attention or admiration in the 
Steward Deputy, Steward’s Office, or the economy of the 
Stewardship. 

Of Old Agricol no notice could be taken. Mr. Deputy, 
indeed, could not be altogether overlooked; but of buoyant 
logs abundance are everywhere to be seen : and blunt as his 
feelings may be, it is almost .impossible not to pity them 
when he could not accompany his distinguished guests in pub¬ 
lic without encountering the hooting and hissing of the folk 
in the streets: and while they were admiring the splendour 
and curiosities of Ludstown, he, who should have been their 
conductor ,and interpreter, was obliged, through conscious 
contempt, to shrink from sight, and hide his head in dark- 

i 

ness. But probably this w'asno disappointment to the inquisi¬ 
tive strangers, w ho might the better enjoy the natural gratification 
of curiosity and humanity when freed from the trammels of 
Stewardieal farce and formality. Especially as Alex the 
Russ seems on many occasions to rise above the depression 
of his station, and to give indications of something really 
woble, and natural, and approaching to the dignity of humanity 








249 


and the character of a man. Rut though such indications 
may be genuine and real, they can scarce fail to be perverted 
by the society his station must lead him to cultivate : and 
ot this ominous symptoms soon began to appear 

1 he tame and the perhaps frantic exertions of the Bull 
Family had drawn Russ and Pruss, out of curiosity and de¬ 
sire of knowledge to visit the Albion Manor, the nurse of 
such a vigorous and unsubmitting race. South, whose pride 
and self-importance set him far above or below the influence 
of any such natural impulse, retired from Claypool to his 
own Mansion of Vienn, whither the other two also soon re¬ 
paired. There, with other coadjutors, to hold a congress; 
which being composed, personally, or representatively, of 
personages great, and wise, and awful above the common 
sons of men, can by no term be so aptly and appropriately 
expressed as by that of Pandemonium; * a word, which in its 
strict and etymological signification, is known to imply an 
assemblage of beings wise, great, august, felicitous, above the 
lot of mere mortals. 

And in perfect accordance with this auspicious designation 
will be found the proposed object, design, and tendency of 

* The Editor is aware that this word, in a mere vulgar sense, aliquundo 

in malum partem accipitur. But on a subject so sublime—treating of 

” ■ '* * ■ * / 

objects so august, the author cannot be supposed to write for t he vulgar, 
but for the learned, the erudite , the initiated ; who well know that by 
its very etymology the term implies an assemblage of beings of a na¬ 
ture, character, and capacity above mere mortal condition—something 
wise, powerful, divine, beyond the lot ot humanity— Acci^cvv eat genius’ 

y ' 

numen,Deus—AccipivviOf e.st felix t augustus, divinus— happj, august, divine ! 

N.B. Besides the necessity of obviating all misconception in treating 
of objects so venerable, so sacred, so awful, ad instar region tremendarum , 
the Editor is happy in this occasion of shewing his deep erudition; and 
no less his profound veneration for Stewards, Stewardism, and Stewardi- 
cal schemes : in which, he is sorry to find, that his Author, the original 
Memorialist, does cot always agree with him. 






250 

their meeting; their deliberations, and all their conclusions- 
This object, in their unbounded beneficence, they anxiously 
proclaim to all the world, declaring it to be the supreme 
and sole end and view of their deliberations and decisions, 
to secure the freedom, peace, and happiness of all the inha¬ 
bitants of Euporia ; nay, of the whole world, so boundless 
is their benevolence. It is true, the means they use, and the 
measures they pursue may not, to mere mortals, seem the 
most direct and likely to accomplish this end; but that must 
be ascribed to the imperfection of mere mortal views in com¬ 
parison with the more exquisite clearness of demoniacal con¬ 
ception. 

For instance. To mere human comprehension it might 
not seem the most likely means to promote either peace, 
freedom, or happiness, to consign the free, independent, and 
populous Manor of Polonia with all the folk upon it over in 
full possession to .Alex the Russ, nor the still more distin¬ 
guished Manor of Saxonia, the parent and nurse of the Bull 
Family itself, to the notorious land-pirate Fad Pruss : and 
this in both cases not only without consulting or asking the 
consent of the folk alone concerned, but in defiance of their 
most strenuous remonstrances against it, delivering them over 
just like so many cattle in a pasture, or sheep in a pen, to 
those to whom they had disposed of them. Such is the supe¬ 
riority, the sublimity of this demoniacal wisdom and spirit, 
so far is it above all mere human considerations. It is also, 
no doubt, in pursuance of the same sublime and benevolent 
object, the freedom and happiness of human kind, that they 
have restored the great, the wise, the magnanimous Fernandos 
to the Stewardship of the Neapolitan Manor'; and his kins¬ 
man of the same name, the present Lord Strut, still more 
distinguished for wisdom, magnanimity, and benevolence, the 
Beloved Fernandos Septimus to the Stewardship of the 
Iberian JManor. It is in the same spirit of demoniacal 


i 


/ 


251 


wisdom that they have trepanned * the Genovesian Parra 
with all the folk upon it, who have long- maintained their 
independence of Stewardical power, into the hands of the 
nameless log of Sardine p it is true, the merit of these noble 
achievements is almost exclusively due to the indefatigable 
exertions of the Bull Steward’s Office and its Agents ; but 
as it is perfectly in the true spirit of the Pandemouian prac¬ 
tice, it has, no doubt, the cordial approbation of the whole ; 
and the whole corps have a right to a share in the praise 
Of it. ' " , ; 

It is, no doubt, in prosecution of the same benevolent pur¬ 
pose of securing the freedom and happiness of mankind, that 
J^ick Prog’s Manor with the folk upon it, who had long ago 
vindicated themselves from the Stewardical authority of 
Lord Strut, and have since maintained their own indepen¬ 
dence, have, together with their neighbours the Flandrians, 
had a Steward assigned them ; or rather, have been assigned 
over to a Steward, without at all consulting their own choice, 
under the auspices of this Pandemoniacal Congress, and es¬ 
pecially of the Bull Steward’s Office, always the principal 
leader and instigator in this generous and benevolent purpose 

* With all due deference to common practice I fiud a great inclination 
to write this word truppanned. Preferring the direct and immediate 
etymology of the native Bull dialect, trap, to the more remote one of 
the Greek, Tpwtfauj' By adopting this derivation we find the transac¬ 
tion clearly and directly responsible to the term. We have the mouse 
to be catched, Genovc; the trap and its setters, the Btdl Steward’s 
Office and its Agents ; and Steward Log, the cat, to whom the poor 
mouse when caught is to be delivered to be devoured.— Editor. 
i f Here again I must beg leave to correct our Author in the term 
vutmeless; for truly the name Manual, is, I think, all that is really known 
of this precious andxexpensive Log. It is true, we find that at the com¬ 
mencement of the quarrel, which has lasted now more than 20 years, 
the Bull Steward’s Office engaged to pay this Steward Log, ^200,000 
a year as long as the lawsuit lasted. But for what? I never could 
find any one who could inform me.— Editor. 





252 


and design of relieving the happy inhabitants of Euporia 
from all care, thought, or trouble in their own concerns. 

It is the same spirit of all-embracing benevolence which 
has determined that nothing shall escape the benelicent in¬ 
fluence of Stewardism, that under the auspices ot the Bull 
Stewards, has raised even the petty harm ot Handover to the 
name and dignity of a Stewardical Manor. And it must, no 
doubt, also now aspire to all the pomp, parade, expence, and 
profusion of that title and dignity, which there is as little 
doubt that John Bull will have the honour and plea¬ 
sure of supporting and nursing up to a competent stature 
and strength, and of enlarging its bounds to the extent of a 
legitimate Stewardical Manor by purchase or plunder from 
the neighbouring Estates and Manors, atter the example of 
Breaside and Greenglen formerly mentioned. For in¬ 
stance, how convenient does Laird Wol fern fuddle’s Farm 
lie for such a purpose. It is true, John Bull will then lose 
this important guarantee for the permanent possession of his 
three Manors of Albion, Caledonia, and Green Erin, but he will 
have the still more powerful one of the Manor of Handover. 
And especially whenever the Steward’s Office may be at a 
loss for a pretence to intermeddle in Terrafirmal affairs, as at 
the commencement of the laiejust and necessary, long and pros¬ 
perous lawsuit, wjien they were obliged to assume one so pal¬ 
pably false and fictitious, it will only be necessary to procure or 
provoke any little insult or injury to the Handoverean Manor, 
and all the Bull wealth and strength, fortune and fame, must 
be profused to expiate it : and by such means we may soop 
see the Manor of Handover reach from the Elbo to the 
Emo, and from the center of Alemannia to the ocean: and 
all at a boundless expence of blood and treasure to John 
Bull. 

In short, it seems to be the sole object of this illustriotts 
Pandemonian Congress, in their boundless benevolence, t© 










253 


take the care and conduct, the whole disposal and concerns 
of the human race out of their own weak and erring hands, 
into those of beings of a nature endowed with so much su¬ 
perior wisdom and capacity. And in the present debased 
state of a great part of that race all this may really be wise, 
good, and right. Nor can this Pandemonian Congress be 
much blamed for supposing that those who can quietly sub¬ 
mit to be disposed of by such beings as the Stewardicai race 
of the present day, are unworthy of, and unfit for any higher 
destination ; or even to have the disposal of themselves- 





•• > 


I 


! 


*; | 




Chap. II. 


y t ^ 

Contents. —Microcorn revisits the Frankland Manor:—is detained hy 


the Folk and replaced in his for er station, without the least oppo¬ 
sition.—Though the Confederates had entirely disregarded every 
Articie of the Treaty with Microcorn, they violently accuse him of 
a breach of Treaty—and a new Lawsuit is commenced again to expel 
him from the Frankland Manor. 



W I1ILE this Pandemoniacal Congress were thus anxi¬ 
ously deliberating how best to secure the freedom and happi¬ 


ness of the human race; by the machinations of one indi¬ 
vidual demon, of powers and capacity far superior to them all, 
all their blessed and beneficent schemes were in danger of 
being disappointed, and blown in air. 


That demon of demons, Microcorn, whom they had con¬ 
signed to an obscure islet in a corner of Middlepool, having 
just crossed the water to pay a neighbourly visit, and say 
how do ye, to his old friends the Franks, they were all so 
glad to see him, that they never permitted him to return. 
For the wretched Baboons they deservedly entertained the 
highest contempt : and no sooner, had Microcorn shewn 
himself among them, than they flocked round him from all 
quarters; and, no doubt, greatly against his own will and 
consent, carried him in triumph to his old mansion at Clay- 
pool, and placed him in his former station ; without a hand 
being lifted up to oppose him, or a word spoken in be¬ 
half of the Baboons. These pitiful pretenders were however 
allowed to depart quietly; and quietly they did depart; and 
llook themselves' off with whatever belonged to them, and 
v\ hoover chose to follow them : and, contrary to what per¬ 
haps ever was known in such a case before, all this was ac- 



Complished without one act of violence, injury, or hurt, to 
any man’s person or property, on the one side or on the other. 
So harmlessly would things take their true and natural course, 
would the perverseness of unprincipled men, and their de¬ 
praved maxims permit them. For this was nothing more 
than the Franks resuming their natural right of disposing of 
themselves and their own affairs. With what a different 
face of things the contrary course is marked will appear when 
we shall come to the bloody field of Waterlake, and the 
shocking and horrid events by which it is attempted to rein¬ 
state the wretched Baboon in his deserted station In the 
present case, besides its being the right and natural course of 
things, no person on the Frankland Manor felt sufficient 
concern for the pitiful shuttlecock Baboon to be willing 
either to act, or suffer, any thing in his behalf. And Micro¬ 
corn was content with recovering his station, without shewing 
any resentment or design of revenge: and no doubt the 
universal concurrence of the Frankland people, and their 
great joy at his restoration, tended to soothe every irritated 
and resentful passion, and to induce this admirable moderation. 

The news of this sudden, and almost incredible event, it 
may well be supposed, both surprised and alarmed the Pan-'* 
demonian Congress. They affected to exclaim with indig¬ 
nation on the want of candour and complaisance in Micro- 
corn : in paying them such an unexpected visit without a 
previous complimentary notice, and thus stealing so advan¬ 
tageous a march upon them from Elb to Claypool 

It is true, in the compromise that had taken place on the 
dosing of the lawsuit, some conditions had been agreed upon 
between Microcorn and the Confederates : and probably with 
as much intended sincerity and good faith on both sides as is 
usual between such parties—that is, to be in force till the 
one party or the other should see a prospect of more advan¬ 
tage in breaking, than in keeping them : and as this soon 




256 


happened on the part of the Confederates, it can scarce b& 
said that the conditions, on their side, were regarded one 
moment beyond the making of them. Among these condi-* 
tions it was stipulated, that Microcorn should retain the title 
of Emperator, and exercise an independent authority in and 
over the territory conceded to him ; and some Estates and 
Farms were settled in perpetuity upon his Wife and Son; and 
a large annual income from the Frankland Manor was se¬ 
cured to himself, for which the Confederates were guarantees. 

But scarce had he repaired to his assigned retreat, when 
his Wife and Son were seized upon, and separated from him; 
their assigned inheritance entirely disregarded, and diverted 
to other purposes, and other persons, supporters of the Con¬ 
federacy ; and of the income settled upon himself not a penny 
was ever paid. And it was consulted upon, and openly 
talked of, to seize him in his retreat, and to carry him off and 
consign him to close imprisonment for life ; or to send him 
to a barren rock in the midst of the sea, above 1000 miles 
from any other land—to which we have now actually consigned 
him—and there to keep him under a guard of hired bravos; 
for ever excluded fro n all fiee intercourse with human so¬ 
ciety; and they even attempted to force his Wife to renounce 
her Husband, and to marry another. 

These violations of every one of the conditions of the com¬ 
promise may be but in the ordinary course of Stewardical 
transactions, among Stewardical parties : of which a number 
of instances of equal permanency and good faith might be 
pointed out, since the commencement of the present lawsuit; 
but what had they to do to meddle between the man and his 
wife? to whom he had always shewn a proper conjugal and 
tender attachment; and who, on her part, was sincerely 
attached to his person and character, and entirely devoted to 
his interest and fortune. This lady was, indeed, the daugh¬ 
ter of the pride-puffed Squire South, who sets himself above 


257 


1 y 

<til human considerations. And in the present instance, 
finding the selfish and interested views, for which he courted 
the alliance of Microcorn, no longer to exist: thus, in defi¬ 
ance of all laws, human and divine, he takes his daughter by 
force from her husband: and on a change of fortune not 
only resigns to ruin, but urges the fate of the man who had 
spared his fortunes and family, when they iay entirely at his 
mercy, and were on the very brink of ruin! 

The Confederates having thus on their part broken every 
article of the compromise, Microcorn could not think that he 
was any longer bound on his part: and as to the Franks, 
they surely had the justest right, and strongest incitement to 
take the first opportunity to throw off a yoke, and disclaim a 
master, that had been forced upon them without their own 
consent asked, or given. 

Thus Microcorn having recovered his station, and the 
Franks having so happily emancipated themselves, without 
any violence, hurt, or wrong on either side, it might have 
been thought that all things would have settled quietly into 
their regular and natural state. Especially as the Confederates 
always solemnly disclaimed all wish, or intention, of imposing 
a master upon the Franks ; or meddling with the internal 
economy and independence of the Frankland Manor; and 
Microcorn, who had certainly been formerly a little turbu¬ 
lent in his station, and insolent to his neighbours, made wiser 
by experience, offered the most effectual security that he 
would attempt nothing beside the management of the Frank¬ 
land Manor by the laws of that Manor, and the universal 
consent of the folk upon it; but this of people having any 
choice or consent in their own affairs, was the very point 
against which the Confederates had already carried on a more 
than twenty years lawsuit, expended millions of lives, and 
hundreds of millions of money, and fattened the fields of 

VOL. ii. • . s 




258 


Euporia with the blood of its inhabitants, the wretched dupes 
of their false and cruel delusions. 

It may seem an improbable paradox, that the object of a 
lawsuit professedly carried on for peace and liberty, should 
be the extinction of the first principle of all liberty—the right 
of every people to dispose of themselves and their own 
affairs—or, that the Bull Family, the fundamental principle 
of whose Manorial Constitution is this very right, should, by * 
a direct felo de se, be the most strenuous and ready instru¬ 
ments in subverting this principle: but however paradoxical 
this may seem, the fact is indisputable. The truth is, what¬ 
ever may be the principles and spirit of the Bull Family; 
whatever the constitution of the Manor; the first moving 
principle in the Steward’s Office, and unvaryingly acted upon 
by all its Agents, is this dread and horror of liberty : and 
the Family being, by the mercenary complaisance of the pros¬ 
titute part of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, sold and consigned over 
to the entire disposal of the Steward's Office, have no power 
nor influence to help themselves : and the most gross and 
palpable delusions are attempted, and not without success, to 
make them believe that they are even contending for liberty, 
while they are, both in fact and design, most effectually 
securing its extinction, and the establishment of absolute 
Stewardical domination, through the whole of Euporia, and 
over the human race . 

The principle that the proprietors and the folk on every 
independent Manor have a right to choose their own Steward 
or Agents, being universally acknowledged, especially on the 
Bull Manor; the Bull Steward’s Agents durst not profess 
that they were going to commence a new lawsuit to force a 
Master upon the Franks ; no, they were to be left perfectly 
at liberty to choose any one they pleased except Microcorn ; 
that is, they were perfectly at liberty to choose any one 


N 


259 

except the one they did choose. But in fact, notwith¬ 
standing this profession on the part of the Confederates, 
they were really allowed no choice at all; but the drivel¬ 
ling Baboons were forced upon them, without any con¬ 
sent asked, or given : and to maintain this forceful intru¬ 
sion, a new lawsuit is commenced; which when we con¬ 
sider its object, we may fairly conclude will be of longer 
duration than all that have preceded it upon the present 
point. But it will be said, is not the lawsuit closed already, 
and all its ends obtained? I answer, No. Before the lawsuit 
can be finally closed, either its object must be abandoned, or 
half a century more of lawsuits must be carried on: and 
then, not to obtain its object, but to demonstrate it to be 
altogether unattainable. Thus the Pandemonian Congress, 
not yet dispersed, instead of enjoying the spoils they thought 
they had already secured, found they had all their work to 
begin again. 


s 2 





200 


Chap. III. 


Contents. —Unblushing Perfidy prosperous and triumphant. 

The insignificant Baboon, whom the Confederates had 
formerly obtruded on the Franks with very little consultation 
of their own choice, the Franks had dismissed w ith as little 
consultation of theirs. And he, as became him, had very 
quietly taken himself off the Manor. But unfortunately the 
Confederates had still retained their lawyers in pay; as aware 
there might be occasion for them in establishing the disposal 
they had made of every Manor on Terrafirm. As to the 
Albion Manor, they had no occasion to interfere with it; as 
they knew that the Bull Family and every thing they possess¬ 
ed, were, through the depravity of the Steward’s Office, and 
the perfidious prostitution of Mrs. Bull’s Domestics, entirely 
at their disposal. Accordingly, no sooner was the return of 
Microcorn, and the determination of the Confederates agaiii 
to expel him known, than millions of money out of John 
Bull’s pocket were voted to excite and enable them again to 
carry on their just and necessary lawsuit, to accomplish their 
liberal and impartial purpose. Thirty six millions more 
were at once assessed upon the Bull Family, to defray their 
own part of the expences in this glorious and generous under¬ 
taking, of forcing a Master upon the Franks, and extinguish¬ 
ing the still struggling flume of liberty in Euporia. And this, 
no doubt, will still be blazoned to the Bull Family as a just 
and necessary lawsuit. In former times John Bull had been 
held as the patron of freedom, and 


u 


the sole resource 


Of such as under grim oppression groau.” 



261 


» 


♦ 


He now certainly allows himself to be exhibited as the prime 
patron ol oppression; and his fortune to be exhausted, as the 
most staunch enemy of freedom, and the sole resource of all 
such as are determined to pursue her to extermination. For 
in spite of all artful blazonry and false colouring, they must 
be blinder than moles, and more ignorant than asses, who 
do not see, that the sole object for which they have been so 
long and so ruinously contending, and which they are now 
engaged in more deeply than ever, is, the entire extinction of 
human liberty, and the subjection of the whole race to the 
sole domination of men-devouring demons. 

The perfidious Junto may indeed persuade themselves that 
John Bull is so perfect a dupe, that he does not perceive 
this ; and will never suspect it, while they so confidently give 
out, that they are contending only for peace and freedom. 
Or, they may think that Sir Deputy Gibcat and the other 
rat-catchers of his kidney, will keep such a watch over the 
Family, or have struck such terror into them, that they will 
never more dare to squeak. But how far they are mistaken, 
if John Bull be still John Bull, they will surely one day find 
to their cost.— But at present to the business in hand. 

The Confederates, as we have said, not having discharged 
their lawyers, v\ ere prepared to take Microcorn somewhat at 
a disadvantage. Microcorn, however, put the best face he 
could upon the matter. He professed indeed, with much 
seeming sincerity, his desire and anxiety to preserve peace 
and good neighbourhood. But if attacked, if his faithful 
Franks stood by him, lie seemed to fear no man. 

This matter was soon brought to a decisive issue. Micro¬ 
corn seeing the storm gathering black around him, and threat¬ 
ening to inclose him on every side, was aware that it was not 
by pleading and verbal process alone, but by hard blows and 
bloody rencounters that he must defend himself; for the 
whole lawyer corps of Fuporia, with all their train of bailiffs, 






262 


bullies, and bravos, had surrounded him : and he prepared to 
meet the danger with that vigour, resolution, and confidence, 
which were peculiar to his character : and resolved even to 
anticipate his antagonists. 

At the first rencounter with some Prussers, whom the 

Franks had been used to drub whenever they met, every thing 

\ ' 

gave way before Microcorn; and he was not a little disposed 
to exult. But he had still an antagonist to face, whom he 
had never yet immediately encountered. Beliington with his 
Bulls—Bulls of a very different character and description 
from those of Peter, which we have had occasion to mention 
—was at no great distance; and the bruit of the above ren¬ 
counter having reached him he hastened to the scene of action. 

Beliington and Microcorn had long acted in opposite 
parties, but hitherto had never come into immediate contact. 
And as each knew, acknowledged, and emulated the high 
reputation of the other, their rencounter might be expected 
to be fierce, obstinate, and decisive. Yet the highest idea 
that could have been formed of it, must have fallen far short 
of what it really proved to be; both for the obstinate fierce¬ 
ness with which it was contested, and the decisive and im¬ 
portant consequences by which it was followed. Besides 
the importance of the object in dispute, the freedom or 
slavery of the Frankland Manor and people, and indeed, in¬ 
tentionally, of all Euporia, the combatants, each emulous of 
the others reputation, engaged with determination never to 
yield. At first Beliington and his Bulls were attacked with 
a fury and destruction that was scarce ever equalled, far less 
resisted; but thought no more of giving way than a true 
bull-dog does of quitting his hold. When word was brought 
to Beliington that in one quarter his friends were all knocked 
on the bead, and not one in ten of them alive; he expressed 
great concern, but added, coolly, they must stand to their 
station, and take their lot, as I myself am determined to do. 



263 


About this time Bluster with his Prusser blood-hounds, 
who had been beat off the day before, returned to the attack, 
and fell on the Franks behind ; while the brave Bull bloods 
still stood, or fell in front, each in his station : . which, when 
Bellington perceived, he exclaimed, we shall beat them 
yet: and ordering one furious and general assault, nothing 
could resist, or stand before it. Microcorn’s Franks were 
put in confusion, cut in pieces, and at last tied; thinking 
him the best man that could first save himself. Thus, leav¬ 
ing to Bellington a most decisive and important victory: 
but one, which in its consequences, will probably be found 
not less disastrous, than decisive; and that, not less to the 
victors than to the vanquished: and must prove the prelude 
of broils, oppression, slavery, misery, and destruction, for 
half a century to come, to half the human race. 

Were there, indeed, any truth to be expected in Stewar- 
dical professions and declarations; or any justice, honour, or 
honesty in their principles, this issue ought to have put an 
end to all further proceedings, and indeed closed the quarrel. 
The Confederates had solemnly declared, that they had no 
further design by the present lawsuit than to prevent Micro¬ 
corn from remaining at the head of the Franks, and chief 
manager on the Frankland Manor; nor did they mean to 
intermeddle one step further in the Frankland affair : and 
in consequence of this declaration, the Franks having re¬ 
nounced Microcorn ; and Microcorn resigned all pretensions 
on the Frankland Manor; being on the point, bona jida , to 
quit the Manor and betake himself to the land of Columbia, 
the ground of the lawsuit was entirely extinguished. 

That the above declaration should be wholly disregarded 
by them, will scarce surprise any one who is thoroughly ac¬ 
quainted with such characters. But a thing truly surprising, 
is, that the Franks, Lewis Baboon, the Bull Family, or any 
of the sane and intelligent part of mankind, should affect to 





264 


put confidence in their professions; or to find any disap¬ 
pointment in a thing so much of course, and so much in cha¬ 
racter, as their entire contempt of their declaration. The 
contrary, in the present case, would have been a greater 
solecism in the conduct of such characters, than any instance 
of perfidy could be. They had been for more than twenty 
years contending, even to desperation, for the extinction of 
liberty, and the pretensions of the people of Euporia to dis¬ 
pose of themselves and their own affairs. Their most obsti¬ 
nate opponents had been the Franks : the Bull Family had 

been so completely duped in the affair, that they were become 

» 

their most zealous abettors, and most strenuous supporters in 
the undertaking; as were the inhabitants of Euporia in gene¬ 
ral ; most of whom had indeed very little conception or de¬ 
sire of liberty. The Franks were now subjugated. The 
Bull Family continued as obsequious as ever ; or rather the 
prostitute part of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, the main pillar of 
confederacy, as staunch to their Paramours, and those Para¬ 
mours as insatiable, and as intent on their prey as ever: and 
the people of Euporia being thus as sunk and insignificant as 
ever, the Confederacy as bent on its object, the extinction of 
liberty as ever —that object , after so long a struggle, now 
seemingly within its reach, could it be supposed, such as they 
are, that out of deference to/their declaration, they w ould hesi¬ 
tate a moment in seizing it ? They did not hesitate a moment. 

If they have done well, and can carry their purpose to its 
full completion, there is an end to the liberties of Euporia 
for centuries to come. If they can yet be frustrated; if the 
inhabitants of Euporia shbuld yet be roused and recover their 
senses; they are in all probability still on the eve of half a 
century more of broils aud bloodshed, of waste and destruc¬ 
tion. Such is the issue at which the ruinous exertions of the 
Bull Family for 22 years have arrived—we will not say ter¬ 
minated; for they are far from a termination . Before that 








266 


event, we may perhaps see the same hands that have reduced 
the Franks to subjection, employed to bring John Bull to 
the same situation, should he attempt to stop short in his 
course, or to turn upon his drivers. At least, it is clear, that 
in some quarters, no less is in contemplation, should the case 
require it. 


Chap. IV. 

Contents. —Undisguised Despotism founded and supported by Perfidy 
upon Perfidy:—Its genuine fruits Proscription, Persecution, and 
Cruelty. 

Wh FN the decisive issue at Waterlake came to be 

i 

known at Claypool, the Franks, trusting to the declaration of 
the Confederates, formally renounced Microcorn; and Mi¬ 
crocorn, to spare the Franks, formally resigned all pretensions 
to authority over them ; as an unparalleled instance of mode¬ 
ration in such a character. This mutual renunciation had no 
sooner taken place ; and of course all preparation and resist¬ 
ance been suspended on the part of the Franks, than the 
Confederates poured in their bullies and bravos by thousands, 
ten thousands, and hundreds of thousands from all sides, upon 
the poor Franks, seized on their Mansion House of Clay- 
pool, and indeed on every house and every thing upon the 
Manor. And the Franks lie now wholly subjected to the 
tyranny and insults of those pitiless land pirates and plun¬ 
derers, the Prussers, Russers, Southrens: and even the 
Bolls, however restrained by their natural humanity, and the 
generous spirit of a Bellington, cannot be supposed, in such 
circumstances, to be entirely harmless. In short, the Franks 







« 


266 

had now neither person, property, nor even a habitation, that 
they could call their own. 

.And to these insolent prowling plunderers did the base 
Lewis Baboon lend himself, to be by them reinstated in a 
nominal exercise of the Stewardship; and consigned over to 
these devourers the Franks and their Manor as their prey and 
reward: a step, which alone, while a Frank lives, and is 
worthy of the name, can certainly never be forgotten, nor 
forgiven: but must, if the Franks ever recover themselves, 
exclude him and all his race, not only from all authority and 
influence, but from daring to shew their face, or set their foot 
on the Manor : and must render the very name a horror and 
execration to every free and genuine Frank, to every enlight¬ 
ened and generous mind. Had he retained one drop of true 
Frank blood in his veins, or one spark of the genuine Frank- 
land spirit in his breast, he would rather have lived the most 
obscure exile, and seen the Franks a great and flourishing 
people, even under his chief antagonist, than seen his country, 
and the race from which he sprung, reduced to the wretched 
and degraded state to which they are now consigned by him 
and the triumphant despots of Euporia. But Steward’s fight, 
and feel, only for themselves. 

When the depraved Carlos and his still more wretched 
brother Yagob intended to impose their own terms upon the 
Bull Family, and Lewis Le Quatorze , in the true Baboon 
spirit, offered to send them a set of bravos, bullies, and ban¬ 
ditti, sufficient to drub John Bull into compliance ; depraved 
as these caitiffs were, they had still more honour, or under¬ 
standing left, than to accept of an offer, which, had it been at 
all practicable, must have rendered them an eternal execra¬ 
tion on the Albion Manor. But Lewis Le DesirZ, with a 
surely damning degree of depravity, has actually had recourse 
to such an expedient; and now lends his name and influence 
to a foreign force, to hold the Franks in a degree of subjection 




267 


and debasement, of which Euporia hitherto has afforded no 
example. The first savage Columbians were scarce more in 
a state of subjugation, or more cruelly plundered and oppress¬ 
ed by their Iberian conquerors, than the Franks now are by 
the Confederates and their train of Prussers, Russes, South- 
rens—and, ah! pudet dicere —even by bravos of the Bull 
Family: by whom, indeed, under the artifices and delusions 
of the Steward’s Office, all the rest are excited, set on, paid, 
and supported; though their natural humanity, moderation, 
and honesty, makes them shrink from their equal share in the 
plundering and oppressing part. 

But the most truly absurd circumstance in this affair, is, 
that, as if perfidy and contempt of honour and engagements 
were a legitimate Stewardical monopoly, which they had a 
right to engross entirely to themselves, the Confederates, 
though they had violated every article of the agreement with 
M icrocorn, yet affected to exclaim with the utmost indigna¬ 
tion and resentment on his perfidy, in not strictly adhering to 
his part, even after they had broken every article of theirs. 

« 

And again. The Confederates solemnly declared, and 
publicly proclaimed to all the world, that they had no wish 
nor design to quarrel with the Franks, far less to impose any 

Steward or Master upon them; but merely meant to remove 

\ 

IS/ficrocorn from the management of that Manor; and even 
that was a thing which they had no right, nor colour of right 
to pretend to. Yet no sooner had Microcorn, to procure 
peace and tranquillity to the Franks, resigned his pretensions, 
and retired from his station, than with thousands and ten 
thousands of bullies and bravos, the whole lawyer train or 
Euporia, they poured in upon the poor Franks, thus perfi¬ 
diously thrown off their guard: and actually brought back 
and set up as their Master and Lord the most detested 
and abhorred of all mankind, the ape, the idiot Baboon; and 
pretend to maintain him by force and compulsion in that sta~ 





268 


tion : and this without even attempting any apology, pre¬ 
tence, or excuse for such palpable perfidy ; as indeed it was 
incapable of any. 

Whatever may be the issue of this proceeding with respect 
to the Confederates, with respect to Baboon and all his 
race, the sure effect and consequence must be, that, if they 
were before contemned and detested, they must now be 
abhorred and execrated, by every Frank who dares to avow 
his sentiments, or shew himself worthy of the name; having 
thus lent himself to be the instrument of the most unqualified 
tyranny that was ever exhibited in the regions of Fuporia, 
and reduced the whole Frankland race to the most base and 
abject slavery, by means of a foreign force: if a race once 
so brave and high-spirited can be so suddenly brought to, and 
kept in, such degrading prostration. But it is probable, that 
that perfidious usurpation on the one hand, and abject sub¬ 
mission on the other, will last no longer than while the Con¬ 
federates can agree among themselves in keeping up a suffi¬ 
cient number of bullies and bravos to dragoon the Franks 
into subjection, and the Bull Family can be duped to lavish 
their money to pay them : w hich it is impossible they can 
long be either able or willing to do. 

But further to aggravate both the perfidy and profligacy 
of these transactions, after Microcorn had resigned his pre¬ 
tences, and retired from the scene, a solemn Treaty w r as 
entered into by Bellington and Bluster the Pruss on the part 
of the Confederates, and certain commissioned Agents on the 
part of the Franks the object of which was, to exclude all 
retrospect, and expressly to protect from all question and 
enquiry every person concerned in Microcorn s late enter¬ 
prise, whatever their conduct might have been ; and, that if 
any doubt should arise on any point, it should be interpreted 
in favour of the Franks. 

Yet no sooner had the Confederates brought back, and set 


-it 








2m 


ip their Baboon Puppet, than they consigned over the 
wietched T ranks entirely to his will and resentment, without 
the least regard to the solemn Treaty they had entered into 
for their protection and security from all retrospect. And 
scarcely were the Baboons returned, when, under the protec¬ 
tion of the Confederates, they set on foot the most cruel and 
relentless proscription, without conscience, mercy, or remorse. 

The wretched victims, now voluntarily disarmed, appealed 
to the Treaty made by Bellington and Bluster on the part of 
the Confederates tor their security. Of such Treaty the 
Confederates made no account at all. With them the breach 
of it was a thing perfectly in character. Bellington, indeed, 
attempted some evasive explanation, as a salvo for his cha¬ 
racter ; but such as can never vindicate either himself or 
those for whom he acted from the grossest treachery and per¬ 
fidy. One course only was left him to pursue in order to 
vindicate his character; which was, to have first remonstrated 
against all violation of the Treaty ; and if that did not avail, 
then to resign his place and station, and publicly protest 
against such violation. 

The Tranks thus deluded and betraved, numbers of the 
most brave and distinguished characters of the Family were 
seized and prosecuted to confiscation, exile, and death: and 
that, for not defending, to their own destruction, a man and 
his cause who did not venture by one word or deed to make 
the least stand or defence for himself. 

And to crown this scene of perfidy and profligacy, the old 
expulsed system of Peterkinism, the execration of heaven 
and earth, is again, under the auspices of the Baboons and 
Confederates, attempted to be introduced with all its wonted 
and natural atrocity and cruelty ; and even he I s highest boast, 
the Peterkin Inquisitorium, is again established, professedly to 
extinguish all pretensions of men to think for themselves : 
and the Reformados are now cruelly sacrificed, tortured, 





270 


and assassinated, by furious multitudes, set on and instigated 
by the only Baboon capable of any exertion, who does not 
blush, in the Peterkin kirkcraft dress, to put himself at their 
head, and to urge and direct their fury. 

Such are the great and glorious objects procured by more 
than twenty years strained exertions of the Bull Family \ 
and for which thousands and ten thousands oi their lives 
have been sacrificed, and millions and hundreds of millions of 
their money expended, and the Manor of Albion brought to 
its present deplorable and desperate state. 

But with respect to the Bull Family, the crisis of its fate 
seems yet to be only 4 approaching; with respect to the 
Franks, it is probably fully arrived. For if the Franks, for 
two thousand years one of the most numerous and distin¬ 
guished families of Euporia, can be thus in an instant sub¬ 
dued, sunk, and extinguished as an independent race, it will 
be one of the most singular and extraordinary events on the 
rolls of human records : and if the Confederates are really 
determined to maintain the Baboons in their intrusion, and 
the Franks in their degradation, it becomes them well to con¬ 
sider at what ex pence of blood, treasure, time, and character, 
if with such character is of any account, they must accom¬ 
plish their purpose. And especially it will become the 
Albion Stewardical faction to consider, whether they can sup¬ 
pose that the Bull Family can be gulled into half a century 
more of quarrels and lawsuits : or, if they could still be 
successfully so gulled, whether they have the means and 
power so long to support such ruinous proceedings ; or, will 
at the end of the contest be content, ruined and exhausted, 
to sit down quietly and passively with the entire failure of 
the object: for, of the final failure of the object, no one 
who is in the least acquainted with the nature and history of 
man can entertain a doubt; nor, can any one hope or wish 










271 


^l»e contrary, whose mind and spirit are not debased to a 
state unworthy of his species. 

The cause of the freedom or slavery of the human race, 
the question of despotism or legitimate rule, seems now to 
be at issue between men and the monsters of the species. 
The struggle may be fierce and obstinate : but of the event 
at this period of the world, and in the present aroused, en- 
laiged, and enlightened state of the human mind, we believe 
there can be no doubt. 

At present the gulled Bull Family triumph and exult in the 
heaped slaughter of \Y aterlake ; nor grudge, but rather glory 
in their share both of the acting and suffering part in the 
bloody business. How blind to fate, to nature, and to 
justice! 

Tempus erit , magno cum optaverit emptum 
Intactum Valiant a; et cum spolia ista diemque 
Oderit. 

The time will certainly come, and in all probability is not 
even now far distant, when they shall rue that fatal day and 
all its issues, when they shall execrate its memory, and curse 
the trophies they are now erecting to its honour as monu¬ 
ments of their assent to the enslaving of Euporia, of them¬ 
selves, and of the human species. The direct tendency of 
the counsels and efforts of the Bull Stewardical Junto since 
the commencement of the Columbian quarrel, and for near 
half a century past, has been to extinguish the kindling flame 
of liberty, and to suppress all pretensions of the people to 
any right or share in the disposal of themselves and their 
own affairs: and so hopeful a countenance does their pro¬ 
ject at this time present, that they may seem to have brought 
it within the power of themselves and their coadjutors, the 
three most determined despots of Euporia, to dictate to, and 
dispose of the whole race of men in it—we may almost say 







27*2 


in the civilized world: and they now even exult and 
triumph in the confidence that they have at last accomplished 
their aim. But if there is truth in presage, human or di¬ 
vine, they assuredly deceive themselves. 

In the above transactions how clearly, how strongly is 
marked the difference between right and wrong, between jus¬ 
tice and injustice, between legitimate rule and despotism. 
When the Franks resolved to resume their lights ana expel 
an usurper, the thing is done in an instant without effort or 
violence; they had only to will it, and it was accomplished. 
When the kings of the earth stand up, and the princes take 
counsel together against the eternal laws of nature, and the 
Lord of nature, with what misery, * what horror, and des¬ 
truction, is it attended ! and yet only to be finally frustrated 
with derision and contempt. 

It may seem little less than profanation to introduce the 
Muse on such a barbarous and unnatural theme as the pre¬ 
sent. At si mihi fasit magnis componere parva —if I may 
be allowed to compare small things with great—the economy 
of these obscure Manors with the great and important politics 
of the world, I would beg indulgence for the following: 

Earth’s Sovereign sits supreme in heaven, and laughs 
At folly’s apes, affecting wisdom’s mien, 

And aims important, in great nature’s spite ; 

Sure all their sapient systems to confound. 

But statesmen, still in nature’s lore unskill’d. 

Their little, partial, self-applauded schemes 
To her great plans oppose; their bulwarks weak, 

And engines feebly fierce, with vain attempt, 

Against her strong munitions still they raise ; 

On her foundations, as earth’s centre firm, 

Insidious seek to shake or undermine. 

* N.B. That Rule only can be legitimate which is founded in and 
exercised with the consent of the people ruled. The above was written 
before the term legitimacy was perverted to its present abuse.-— Editor. 


273 


But countermin’d by her unerring hand, 

Themselves and boasted engines toss’d in air, 

The sport of nature, and the dupes of art: 

A welcome spectacle of scorn supply ;— 

Or, with their works abortive, buried deep 
In their own ruins, monuments of guilt, 

And folly, doom’d to execrations dire. 

These notions held for doting pedants’ dreams, 

Statesmen may in their wisdom deep deride: 

But trust the Muse, in nature not unskill’d. 

Nor unobservant in politic lore, 

Their fate she dictates firm ; and let them mark— 

The day approaches fast, and soon shall shine. 

Inspir’d she sees, and hails the glorious dawn, 

When nature’s children thro’ her spacious round 
Their equal lot, their native rights shall claim; 

When reason’s laws shall reign, nor more the bliss, 

And lives of millions, at ambition’s shrine. 

By tampering, busy, base, pragmatic tools. 

To pomp and state be blindly sacrific’d. 

But through earth’s bounds their long defeated rights 
Mankind assume, their just importance know : 

The people's bliss , allowed the law supreme. 

Nor longer at a haughty despot’s call, 

Shall nations pour their wealth and blood profuse, 

To deck the pageants of imperial pride, 

Or drivelling statesmen’s base intrigues to prop. 

Reason shall rule, the nations thrive in peace, 

Fair freedom wide her bliss benign diffuse, 

The bruit of war shall less and less be heard; 

Prelude and progress to thy promis’d reign, 

Messiah blest, auspicious Prince of Peace. 

O might a brighter day await the Muse, 

And light her w ay to burst this cloud obscure, 

Which damps her wing, and dulls her native fire, 

Still would she spread her pinions, try to soar, 

And suit her notes to sing those glorious scenes, 

Evil extirpate! universal peace ! 

Nature restor’d ! and thy triumphant reign, 

Emanuel, through all her bounds set up 1 
Resume we now our less auspicious theme.— 

Britain Preserv’d, a Poem, by the Rev . Dr, Brown: Book IVth, 


VOL. H. 


T 


274 


Can the most zealous abettors of tyranny, can the most 
deluded dupes of despotism, believe that the Franks will 
sit down quietly under their imposititious masters ? Or, that 
a century of law, quarrel, and broil, of driving and drubbing, 
of hacking and killing, will bring such a race to quiet sub¬ 
mission ? Could an event so much to be execrated, be 
accomplished, what millions must bleed in its course? how 
must the human race sink in its consequences ? Can it be 
supposed that a numerous and enlightened Family, the 
Allemangs, a race ever addicted to freedom, will never be 
excited by example and a sense of injury to resume their 
former spirit and claims ? Can the Bull Family be really 
sunk so far beneath their own character, as to continue to 
exult in having imposed a master on the Frankland Family, 
and consigned to slavery thirty millions of their species, con¬ 
tending for freedom and their natural and indisputable rights ? 
If the despots they uphold succeed in fixing the yoke on all 
Euporia, can they think that they themselves will be permit¬ 
ted to enjoy even their present shadow of liberty ; or, that 
the same instruments that have been used to impose the 
yoke on their neighbours, will not, when occasion shall re¬ 
quire, be employed to do the same service for them ? Or, 
while they are thus duped to be themselves the instruments 
ot tyranny and despotism, can they believe their present 
pretended liberty to be any thing more than a shadow, an 
empty name ? 

It is true, they have now, in concert with the Confederates, 
made riddance of the great reputed tyrant; instead of whom, 
they have established three indisputed, professed, and determined 
tyrants; who only agreed to expel the other because they 
justly dreaded his superior powers, more enlarged capacity, 
and more elevated and extensive views ; and because, having 
been educated in the natural habits and converse of his spe¬ 
cies, he still retained something of the social character of 


275 


man; ancl even in his tyranny and usurpations at least 
acknowledged the natural rights of man; and even professed 
to have those rights in view, and that to support and establish 
them was his ultimate object: with what consistency we do 
not pretend to determine. But no doubt this was the grand *- 

scheme, which, as an apology for his usurpations after his 
surrender, he said he had in view. This pretension is also 
favoured by his admiration of the Bull spirit and partial con- 
fidence in it, which betrayed him into his present situation. 

But alas! he little knew to what degree the Bull Family 
themselves were gulled, betrayed, bought, and sold, by their 
perfidious Agents. 





\ 




276 


y l 'x 

Chap. V. 

Contents. —John feull having been kept Ln a state of Intoxication for 
more than 20 years, begins to recover his senses.—In the midst of 
Peace and Plenty the whole Inhabitants of the Manor,—the gorged 
Satellites of Stevvardism excepted,—in the utmost Distress, and 
literally starving.—The Folk begin to perceive their Delusions, and 
to spurn their Deluders.—The Cabal profess Economy with increased 
Profusionand the Baby as lavish on his baubles as ever.—Some 
Check in the Palaverium, but without consistency :—the only Hope 
in the aroused sense of the Folk on the Manor. 

We are now arrived at a singular crisis in our Memoirs. 
It has been before noticed how unworthily the Steward’s 
.Agents, with the assent of the Prostitutes of Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, had treated John Bull, even to the forcing upon him 
a straight waistcoat, and clapping a gag in his mouth. In 
short, they had kept him in a state of continual intoxication, 
from which for more than twenty years he had never been suf¬ 
fered entirely to recover. And now, that in conjunction 
with the Confederates, they thought they had attained their 
object; and saw, as they supposed, the last breathing of li¬ 
berty expiring before them, and the whole inhabitants of 
Euporia laid resistless at their feet; they used their utmost 
endeavours to excite John Bull to shew some frantic and ex¬ 
travagant symptoms of joy and triumph on the occasion. 
But alas! John had been kept so long in a state of 
intoxication, and consequent exertion beyond his strength, 
that his animal spirits were quite exhausted, and he could be 
instigated to but very faint efforts of exultation. 

The Deputy Steward, indeed, and his Houshold Mengie, 
with all the appendants of the Steward’s Office, exhibited 
the most expensive, unwieldy, absurd, unnatural efforts of 
triumph and joy; even to the childish and ridiculous extra- 


vagance of making a rivulet of wine run through his garden, 
with a variety of other such freaks and follies as could only 
enter the head of a child or a lunatic ; while numbers of the 
Bull Family w’ere absolutely perishing for want. But as 
John Bull’s animal spirits began to Hag, his rational spirits 
began to recover. In this state of returning reason the first and 
most conspicuous object that presented itself, and which was 
indeed ostentatiously set before him, was the bloody ren¬ 
counter at Waterlake. In which John could only find that 
he had lost a great number of the finest fellows of his Fa¬ 
mily ; the greater part of whom had their brains beat out on 
the spot; and the rest were come home to him so maimed 
and mangled, that it was ruthful to see them ; to say nothing 
of the w'retched widows and fatherless children left him to 
maintain or to see them starve. Such shocking scenes could 
not fail to arouse the sense, and force some reflection even in 
a drunken man. And when, on his incipient recovery of his 
senses, he found the Cabal endeavouring to renew' his intox¬ 
ication, and to excite him to some frantic demonstrations of 
joy and triumph on the disgusting and repulsive scenes before 
him, he not only declined the cup, but began to look back on 
the past, where he found that all the fruit he was likely to 
reap from his enormous ex pence and desperate efforts w as 
the exhaustion of his strength, and the ruin of his fortune 
and Family. 

Microcorn, who had been held up to him as so terrible a 
monster, he found to be a mere bugbear, the razchead and 
bloody bones of the Cabal; and that the real object of 
horror to them, as w j ell as to. the rest of the Confederates, 
was the freedom of the human race, the danger of mankind 
breaking the chains of despotism, and emancipating them¬ 
selves from the delusions of Stewardism. And when he 
found that all the advantage he could expect to derive from 
his frantic exertions and ruinous expences, was to see his 


278 


neighbours, the Franks, reduced to a state of the most abject 
slavery, and held in this state by the most absolute and unjust 
tyranny, with the rope about their necks, and the knife at 
their throats, by bullies and bravos hired with his money, he 
could not greatly relish the business. For though there had 
always been a jealousy between Bull and his neighbour 
Frank, yet John, who was naturally of a free and generous 
character, and somewhat inclined to do to others as he would 
they should do to him, was little disposed to congratulate 
himself upon the issue of a business for which he had been 
drawn on to reduce his whole Family to the brink of bank¬ 
ruptcy and beggary. Indeed, he now began to smoke the 
matter, and to perceive how he had been duped, abused, and 
betrayed, by his Agents; and in fact, had been forging chains 
for himself as well as for his neighbours. And when he 
had so far shaken off his doze and consequent delirium, as to 
be capable of looking coolly into his affairs, it is impossible 
to express his astonishment, indignation, and distress; espe¬ 
cially when he found that the whole time of his intoxication 
the knaves had been most villainously picking his pockets, 
rifling his escritoirs, pillaging his house, corrupting and de¬ 
bauching his Family, and had mortaged his Estate beyond 
the fee simple of its value. And all this with the most insi¬ 
dious and traitorous design of reducing him and his Family 
to vassalage, and entire dependence upon themselves and the 
Steward’s Office. 

There has always been a number of honest individuals in 
the Bull Family, of sane mind , and of more generous and 
independent spirit than the jordid and abject satellites of 
the Stewardical train; on those the delusions of the Stew¬ 
ard’s Office and of the Cabal could not impose. Those, by 
means of a few of the uncorrupted channels of intelligence 
which are daily, weekly, and monthly, circulating among the 
folk—a device, to which the Bull Family owes more, espe- 


279 


cially at this time, than to all the most sanctioned institutions 
of the Manor : those, I say, had never ceased to endeavour 
to bring John to his senses, and to warn him of the 
ruin into which his treacherous Agents were dragging him. 
By means of these monitors, and aided by their own feelings, 
which now began to be seriously touched, the Family in 
general seemed now to rouse themselves, and to spurn the 
delusions by which they had been so long and so shamefully 
duped. Indeed the situation they found themselves in ren¬ 
dered it impossible any longer to delude them. With all 
lawsuits extinguished, at perfect accord with all their neigh¬ 
bours, with the most abundant produce that had ever been 
known on the Manor ;—in the midst of peace and plenty, 
the family in general found themselves bankrupts, beggars, 
and starving : the whole produce of their lands and labour 
not being sufficient to pay the interest of the debts in which 
the Steward’s Agents with their prostitute Palaverium had 
involved them. 

Mrs. Bull’s Office is the natural guardian of the rights of 
the Family, and of the privileges and safety of the Manor ; and 
the last resource in all cases of extreme distress and dan¬ 
ger : and whenever she has been mistress of her own house, 
and not borne down by the number and domineering influence 
of those prostitutes whom the profligacy and perfidiousness 
of the Steward’s Agents keep up in her Idoushold, her Office 
has never failed to prove a certain and efficient resource. To 
Mrs. Bull, therefore, the whole Family, aroused by a sense 
of immediate danger, betake themselves for remedy and 
redress. 

The Palaverium was now just about to meet, and the 
Junto had prepared and dressed the accustomed entertain¬ 
ment of flummery in the name of the Deputy Steward: and 
so blinded and besotted were the plodding dolts, that they 
had not the least conception of the aroused sense of the 


280 


Family, nor the least apprehension of the desperate situation 
they themselves were in. Besides the general and accus¬ 
tomed notice for the meeting of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold 
Office the Steward’s Major Domo sent a card of special 
invitation to his confidential friends, particularly to all the 
known prostitutes of Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, begging their 
punctual attendance ; intimating that they would be but a 
very short time detained; and that it was intended the whole 
business should be dispatched before the approaching holi¬ 
days. The blind booby ! Thus he was confident he had no¬ 
thing to do but to acquaint them with what money he wanted— 
to receive their sanction for enforcing the collection of it; 
and so to send them about their business again ; that being 
the only end for which he thought they existed, or for which 
it was intended they should exist. But I believe by this 
time he finds himself to have been a little mistaken. 

The great object with the Junto was to return John Bull 
to his wonted intoxication, and still to keep their hands in 
his pocket. To effect this they endeavoured to turn his 
brain by a notion of the high pinnacle of glory to which they had 
raised him. But the time of successful delusion was past. 
It is in vain to reason against facts, or dispute against feeling. 

The Major Domo, indeed, attempted to hold forth that 
the assumed plea of distress was all exaggeration and pre¬ 
tence, the mere impatience of ignorance a coltish trick of 
the ass, from not knowing himself to be destined to the panniers 
and pack-saddle, to which it is necessary he should be broke 
in. But John Bull, though he had been so long in trainino-. 
thought it wiser and better to reserve his money to alleviate 
his own necessity, and relieve the distress of his Family, than 
still to lavish it on the infantine amusements and boyish bau- 
bles of the Deputy Steward, palaces, pagodas, pyramids of 
plate, and rivulets of wine : or, to profuse it on the more 
debasing indulgences of effeminate voluptuousness and e.%tra- 


281 


vagaut luxury ; which he, and they, and all their train, are 
constantly overstraining their low fancies to exhibit: or, even 
to bestow it on the more pious, generous, and self-denying 
device of the whole confederation, to relieve the species 
from the care and trouble of thinking or acting for them¬ 
selves ; and to take the whole race absolutely under the blessed 
and beneficent protection of their influence and authority. 
And as the Cabal did not hesitate to pronounce that all the 
wisdom of the Manor was with themselves, they very justly 
thought it highly reasonable that all the wealth of the Manor 
should be at the disposal of the wisdom of it. But John 
Bull, now perfectly cool and“ come to his senses, could nei¬ 
ther allow these premises, nor admit the conclusion ; but 
insisted that they should keep their hands out of his pocket, 
allow him the disposal of himself and his property, and take 
only what he in his sober senses should think tit to give 
them. 

They had, especially by means of the prostitutes in Mrs. 
Bull’s Houshold, obtained a law to pillage the Family most 
unconscionably under the name of a pretended contribution 
upon property ; which, had it really been what it pretended 
to be, a contribution upon property , and industry, and 
ingenuity, or even poverty, had been suffered to go free, 
would, no doubt, have been the most unexceptionable con¬ 
tribution that could have been raised on the Manor. But 
instead of that the hard-earned gains of the industrious 
tradesman and the laborious mechanic, the scanty incomes of 
the ingenious artist and of the learned professionist, the 
study and preparation for which had cost them hundreds and 
thousands, and yet scarce brought them a competency, were 
charged an equal proportion with the luxurious sinecurist, 
great land-holder, and rich capitalist, whose protected pro¬ 
perty brought them in thousands and tens of thousands a 
year, without either industry or ingenuity : whilst the others 


282 


had no property to be protected, and many of them not a 
comfortable sustenance. 

Had this contribution been assessed only on real property, 
and in a lesser or greater proportion, according to the amount 
of the property possessed, this would have shown some judg¬ 
ment and impartiality, some regard to justice and sound 
policy; and might reasonably have been submitted to.— 
For instance, had he who possessed one hundred a year from 
his property been charged at one in the hundred; and he 
who possessed five hundred a year, been charged at five 
in the hundred; and so on in some such increasing ratio, 
even till those who possessed immense incomes in 
land or money should be reduced to their capital, and 
obliged to live upon and lessen it : — this might be 
even a public benefit, by diminishing immense and 
cumbersome properties, and diffusing moderate and useful 
ones ; and might even bring those drones to be of some use 
to the hive. This may be thought to bear hard upon these 
capitalists ; yet it is nothing more than what the greater part 
of the cultivators of the soil, the most useful and important 
class of the commuuity, are already reduced to. And when they 
have exhausted their moderate capitals, who is to cultivate 

the earth ? what is the Familv to come to ? When the bulk 

•/ 

of the folk are reduced to beggary and w 7 ant, do those Levia¬ 
thans in wealth think that the Bull Family will look on in 
silence and see themselves devoured ?—Stand by and starve, 
while they see them wallowing in luxury and voluptuousness, 
to the abuse and extinction of all the ends and enjoyments of 
their being, of all the uses and purposes of nature ? The 
herring, the most numerous and important race of the waters, 
hence by some called the king of the sea, is the natural prey 
of the whale; who, while he follows and skirts the shoal, 
sucks in, and gulps down, his thousands at a mouthful, his 
millions at a meal : but should,he become too voracious, and 
venture too far, the whole shoal throw themselves upon him, 


283 


he is ingulfed, suffocated, stifled, extinguished ; and, as we 
often see, obliged to throw himself on the shore and perish. 
Let our Leviathans take warning. 

But while the settling and adjusting these contributions is 
chiefly in the hands ot those great proprietors themselves, to¬ 
gether with the very persons who are to receive and spend 
them, it were in vain to look for rational or impartial 
proceedings. 

This contribution ot which we have been speaking was 
agreed to under the express condition, that it was not to con¬ 
tinue beyond the conclusion of the present lawsuit. But how 
vain to expect that those who w’ere ever grasping at all they 
could possibly reach, would willingly resign such an easy and 
productive source of treasure. 

It is true, at the flummery entertainment the Cabal had 
pledged the Steward’s word for the strictest economy. How 
faithfully and sincerely this pledge was given, and intended to 
be held, appeared from a number of undeniable instances; 
where, at the very time they were pledging their own and 
their master’s word and honour for the most rigid economy, 
which was indeed become most imperiously necessary, they 
had been increasing the stipends of numerous offices among 
themselves by hundreds and by thousands a year, upon the 
mere motive of luxury, selfishness, and prostitution; for they 
were well aware, that their stability depended wholly upon 
keeping their trained mercenaries firm and faithful. And by 
this approved practice they had no doubt of success. But 
for once they found that they had reckoned without their 
host. For when the Palaverium was met, and the falseness 
and perfidiousness of their professions of economy so palpably 
appeared, it raised such a spirit of indignation and resentment 
in the breast of every true and faithful member of Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, that even the base and prostitute shrunk before it. 
And, besi-des, such an universal inundation of distress and 
complaint poured in from all quarters of the Manor, that 


284 


even the most hardened, and those whose only principle is, to 
go all lengths with their leaders without shrinking, had not 
resolution to present themselves to stem the torrent. 

The Palaverium met—the flummery swallowed—and the 
compliment returned: the wretched Major Domo thought, 
that according to custom, he had nothing to do but to present 
his accounts, receive the sanction of his invited friends and 
trusty tools for their payment, and send them again about 
their own business in the course of a week or two. Ho^tv 
miserably mistaken! His principal resource for settling his 
accounts was the all-touching property contribution. It is 
true, he knew this was just about to expire; but fully confi¬ 
dent he had nothing to do but to propose its renewal, and 
take their sanction for it, he came boldly forward with his 
proposition. The repugnance he at first met with, was a 
thing not altogether new : and lie confidently ascribed it to 
mere ignorance and impatience of the yoke; defects of which 
he was confident he should soon cure them, as he without 
hesitation pronounced that he had all the wisdom of the 
Pamily in his favour : and too wise and brave to give way to 
folly and ignorance, and confident in the unfaultering support 
of the prostitute corps in Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, he deter¬ 
mined still to persist. 

But when the overwhelming torrent of complaints, peti¬ 
tions, and remonstrances to the Palaverium began to pour in 
from all quarters, both he and his supporters were somewhat 
staggered. He attempted to retreat. Knowledge must 
sometimes give way to ignorance, wisdom to folly. Though 
still confident of his superior wisdom, the Major Domo 
would now be content with half the proposed contribution. 
But John Bull, now become quite restive, replied,—Not a 
farthing of pretended property contribution. John was now 
fully sensible how he had been duped and pillaged for more 
than twenty years by the Cabal; and under the insidious pre- 


285 


tence of maintaining freedom, had been, as was now clear 
even to the most carefully hoodwinked, forging chains for 
himself as well as his neighbours: and to the utter astonish¬ 
ment and confusion of the Major Domo and of the whole 
Junto, Mrs. Bull’s Office sanctioned this obstinacy and refusal. 

This failure of the prostitute corps, whether from fear, or 
from some remains of virtue, was a stunning blow', an un¬ 
precedented phenomenon. Since the accession of the Brunt- 
wick Family, and the regular establishment of the systematic 
Commerce of Prostitution between the Steward’s Office and 
Mrs. Bull’s Houshold, nothing like it had been seen in a 
matter of money or contribution : which, as known to be 
destined to center among themselves, was sure never tt> en¬ 
counter any serious repulse or opposition. What such a 
phenomenon may forebode, it may be difficult to conjecture. 
Under any other set of men that ever conducted the affairs of 
the Manor, one certain consequence of such an occurrence 
would have been the resignation of their stations. But with 
such a battered, brazen sconce as Don Detestatus, on whom 

neither blows nor shame could ever be discerned to make any 

\ 

impression, to stand in their front, perhaps such delicacy was 
not to be expected ; perhaps it was not necessary. Certain 
it is, no symptom even of a demur appeared on the occasion. 
On every other such occasion, there have been rival competi¬ 
tors eager to press into the station. But the present incum¬ 
bents, fortunately for themselves, had brought matters to such 
a crisis, that they were secure from competition. No wise 
man, for his own sake, would choose to be concerned in such 
affairs; and even those who might be disposed to sacrifice 
most for the safety of the Family and Manor, could rather 
desire, than hope, that they would retrieve such a desperate 
situation of affairs. 

Yet, should the Palaverium act consistently wdth the above 
step, and the Family stand true to themselves, that might be 





2m 

of great importance; and indeed even decisive of the present 
crisis. 

But it must be confessed that it bodes ill for their con¬ 
sistency, that while the) have vetoed the property contribution 
which should pay them; they have voted a lawyer corps with 
all their train of bailiffs, bullies, and bravos, amounting to 
hundreds of thousands. A matter, in itselt, and in its awful 
consequences immediate and remote, compared with which 
the property contribution, with all its oppression, injustice, 
and distress, is but as the sting of a gnat to the bite of a 
rattlesnake. The voting of these, without the means for their 
maintenance, besides its inconsistency, must heighten the 
mischief; and presents a prospect truly awlul and alarming. 
Instead of sanctioning the retaining of such a corps, the dis¬ 
missing at least two-thirds of the proposed number ought to 
have been made the express condition, the sine qua non , of 

voting one farthing of contribution. This was the mode of 

© © 

proceeding by which the ancestors of the Bull Family, in 
spite of Stewardical art and insolence, recovered and estab¬ 
lished that constitution, which their degenerate offspring are 
so basely bartering and betraying for sordid interest and gain. 

The only hope that can now be entertained of preserving the 
Constitution must rest on the good sense, sobriety, and firm¬ 
ness of the Family in general ; of which, and of its powerful 
effects, the instance mentioned above is a happy and encou¬ 
raging omen. And these effects are to be ascribed entirely to 
the voice of the Family; which when cool, firm, decisive, 
and united, no Stewardical tool can, or dare attempt to resist. 
Were, indeed, the Family to rise in resentment and indigna¬ 
tion equal to the ingratitude, insults, and injuries received ; 
and which a sense of the gross and insidious manner in which 
they have been imposed upon must increase and inflame, the 
consequences might be alarming—might even endanger the 
subversion of the Constitution, the extinction of the Steward- 


287 


ship, and a scene of confusion and misery from which reflec¬ 
tion shrinks. But this, the patient forbearance of John Bull 
which we have had frequent occasion to mention, with the 
cool deliberate good sense of the Family, we hope, will effec¬ 
tually prevent. 

As to the pretences to and attempts at economy, exhibited 
by the Junto, they are too ridiculous and contemptible to de¬ 
serve any notice. A few useful attendants in their offices, 
who for much labour and drudgery receive their £20 or £30 
a year, are discharged; while those who receive their 20, 30, 
or ^40,000 a year for doing nothing are retained, as untouch¬ 
able; and live in a luxury and voluptuousness to which the 
yearly stipends of the others w ould not afford a meal. This 
is something worse than ridiculous: it borders on contempt 
and insult, if not on insanity, to suppose that the Family can 
still be so duped and deluded. 

There are, indeed, at this time, through the whole extent of 
the three Manors of Erin, Albion, and Caledonia, strong symp¬ 
toms indicating that it cannot, that it will not, be any longer so 
deluded. Besides the thousands that are in a state of absolute 
starvation for want, amidst the profusion and luxury of their 
devourers, in every district of the realm, a spirit is moved, a 
voice is raised, that must be heard, that must command atten¬ 
tion, except it can be supposed, that the present Stewardical 
Cabal are still more fatally infatuated than even their prede¬ 
cessors in the Columbian cause ; and their prostitute tools in 
the Palaverium still more blindly devoted to their will. 

The consequences of the Columbian quarrel have been 
important and disastrous to the Bull Family; and its effects, 
good or bad, will be felt to the latest generations, and extend 
themselves through every region of Sublunaria. But should 
the ignorance and obstinacy of the present Stewardical faction 
bring the crisis which is now impending to a similar issue, 
on the Albion Manor, it must fall with accumulated weight 


i 


and horror, even to the endangering of the very constitution 
of the Manor, the subversion of the Stewardical autho¬ 
rity, and the expulsion of the race. The Columbian quarrel, 
though it disgraced the counsels, and exhausted the means of 
the Family, was carried on at a distance, and its immediate 
effects scarcely perceived by the folk in general on these 
Manors. But should the present threatening cloud burst 
upon them with all its aggravated load, the consequences 
must be too shocking to be here even suggested. Yet who¬ 
ever marks the general spirit now aroused in the whole body 
of the people, the just sense of injury and wrong by which 
they are excited, the strong resentment of the guile and per¬ 
fidy by which they have been so insidiously deluded, cannot 
but dread the event. And all this must be increased by the 
- indignation with which they see their betrayers and devourers 
exulting in their success, and wallowing in pleasure and wan¬ 
tonness on the wealth which is remorselessly extorted from 
them, while thev themselves are reduced to absolute distress 
and starvation. 

The threatening issue of this crisis is the more to be appre¬ 
hended, that the sound sense, the strong and appropriate lan¬ 
guage, the correct and comprehensive knowledge of the Con¬ 
stitution, with the cool, patient, yet firm and confident man¬ 
ner in which they assert their cause, represent their griev¬ 
ances and wrongs, and demand redress, shew that it is not 
the mob or mere populace that are excited; but that the 
best and wisest, the most vigorous and capacious minds of the 
Albion, Erin, and Caledonian race are engaged in the enter¬ 
prise ; and determined to obtain redress, or to perish. And 
if all this make no impression on those to whom it is address¬ 
ed, we may, it is to be feared, say in sacred terms, u They 
hearkened not because the Lord would slay them!” 

It must be confessed that the indifference, not to say con¬ 
tempt and insult, with which the Deputy and his Cabal 


289 


affect to treat the universal torrent of complaint, petition, and 
remonstrance pouring in upon them from all quarters, has an 
awlul and ominous aspect. The instant meeting of the 
Palaverium will probably prove an important and decisive 
crisis. It is from them alone that safe and effectual remedy 
and redress can be expected. But should they follow the 
example set before them, the case seems to be desperate, and 
must soon come to a decisive issue: or should tampering and 
palliative attempts be still persisted in, they can only prepare, 
and augment the threatening catastrophe. 

But it the issues of the Bull Stewardical counsels have 
been deplorable and disastrous at home; abroad they have 
been false, perfidious, execrable; to the extinction of the 
very name of liberty, or a free state, to the inhabitants of 
Eupona; and as far as in them lies, to the human race. By 
the newly aroused efforts of mind, knowledge had been in¬ 
creased, a sense of freedom and right extended, and even the 
conceptions of the human mind enlarged ; the civilized world 
had burst its fetters, and men had dared to think for them¬ 
selves. .And though in the course of the operation of these 
efforts, much tumult, disorder, and misery had occurred, 
through Stewardical jealousy and opposition; yet, on the whole, 
the effect was propitious, and the prospect promising for the 
freedom and improvement of human kind. But by the coun¬ 
sels and operations of the Bull Stewardical faction, and the 
perfidious machinations of the confederated Pandemonium, 
all is extinguished and lost. In the Euporian territories the 
very name of freedom is swept away, the fetters of slavery 
are every where closer strained and harder rivetted; and a 
Confederation of Despots, all pensioned, paid, and supported 
by the duped and pillaged Bull Family, has swallowed up 
all; and now sits triumphant over the subjugated race of 
Euporia. 

VOL, if. u 


200 


Under the auspices of these Despots, supported by the 
lavished treasures of the Bull Family, we have seen the de¬ 
based Baboons restored, and again set up to insult and tyran¬ 
nize over more than half ot Terrafirm. Under the same pro¬ 
tection and support, we have seen the impostor Peter, so long 
the execration of every enlightened mind, but especially devoted 
to destruction by every inhabitant of the Albion Manor, by the 
influence and efforts of the inhabitants of that very Manor, 
again set up to pervert reason, to turn religion to derision 
and contempt; to deprave earth, and to insult heaven. But 
above all—we have seen the execrable Peterkin Inquisitorium, 
the extreme of human depravity, the most cruel scourge of men, 
the highest boast of hell, by the perverted efforts and influence 
of the same Bull Family and Manor, again restored and set 
up to suppress and extinguish, if possible, every free and 
noble exertion of reason and mind, and to reduce man below 
the lowest of the brute creation; who, however depressed 
and subjected, still retain and exercise their natural powers 
and capacities. 

But not satisfied with all this, even while expiring under 
exhaustion and overstrained exertion, we see the Family 
dragged on and compelled by the same desperate faction to 
support and maintain by mere force, at an insupportable ex¬ 
pence, the tyranny of the Baboons over the oppressed and 
insulted Franks, a body of 30 millions of people : an under¬ 
taking not less absurd and impracticable, than wicked and 
detestable. 

And at this very moment of distress, and for this very de¬ 
testable purpose, to support this Baboon authority, has the 
sum of 12 millions sterling been raised from John Bull’s 
cash and credit. It is indeed held forth that this is the 
transaction of mere individuals. Who will believe it ? Can 
there be one individual, capable of reason and common sense, 


291 


Vvho can believe that the authority of the Baboons can be 
permanent ? Is there one who can believe that the Bull 
Family, even if they were able, can be gulled for twenty- 
five years more to keep up 150,000 bravos to force an 
arbitrary tyrant upon the Franks; though double that 
time, and triple that number, would leave the work only 
to be begun. But it is to be hoped, indeed can scarce be 
doubted, that in much less than half that time, all pretensions 
to such an absurd and wicked attempt will be abandoned, 
and the Baboons left to their fate. And when that shall 
take place, who will reimburse the Bull Money ? Will the 
Franks think themselves obliged to repay what was lent to 
reduce them to slavery and barbarism ? No. The money 
must add to the many millions of which John Bull and his 
Family have been choused in behalf of Russ, Pruss, and 
South, not a farthing of which will ever be repaid. 

But it may be said, must not these things be as evident to 
the Steward and Junto as to individuals? To this it need 
only be replied, that give the Deputy his bottle and his 
boon companions, and he is not apt to trouble himself about 
distant prospects; and Don Detestatus, their worthy fac¬ 
totum, is so satisfied with the career he is running, that it is 
probable nothing can arrest him but public justice. 

This money transaction, and the objects connected with it, 
were, no doubt, the business that brought Bellington lately 
to Ludstown : and the success will clearly account for his 
announced invitation, and flattering reception, to dine with 
the Baboons, on his return. Twelve millions sterling will 
furnish a handsome dinner any where, and a welcome to boot: 
and this will probably be all the repayment that will ever be 
made. Or if ever it is paid to the individuals, it must be 
out of the pockets of the people of this Manor; and John 
Bull, even under his present justly aroused resentment is 
Mill the dupe of his perfidious and presumptuous Agents. 

u 2 


292 


And no doubt the view of implicating rich individuals in their 
measures, may be a motive with the Junto in favouring such 
a perverse and irrational transaction; for the impracticable and 
pernicious end of forcing a master upon 30 millions of people. 

Had the unworthy tool, Detestatus, the Bull Negotiator 
at the Pandemonian Congress, shown the least concern for 
the interest, attempted the least stipulation in favour of those 
for whom he was intrusted, by whom he was paid,—had he 
taken the least care, paid the least regard to any thing 
beyond the perfidious schemes of the Stewardical Faction, 
there could have been no advantages claimed, no privileges 
proposed, which he might not have obtained; especially in 
behalf of the Albion manufactures and commerce. What 
would they, what could they have refused, if firmly demanded 
of those by whom they were paid and supported, to those 
on whom their very being, and all their ends and objects in 
their congredial capacity depended. Instead of which these 
manufactures and that commerce are now excluded from the 
ports of those very people and sovereigns who exist as inde¬ 
pendent states and sovereignties solely by their exertions and 
at their expence. 

John Bull, at the expence of many millions, replaced the 
Beloved Fernandos, the exquisite Lord Strut, in the sove¬ 
reignty of Iberia. How has the favour been acknowledged, 
and the expence repaid ? By the abridgement of former 
privileges, and the threatened entire expulsion of the Albion 
manufactures from the ports of Iberia. And what due indig¬ 
nation and resentment of this base ingratitude have the Bull 
Stewardical Office and Junto shown? What just contempt 
for the debased character of this legitimate ? What demon¬ 
stration in vindication of their ow n character in supporting 
such a craven, have they given ? What interposition or remon¬ 
strance have they attempted in behalf of the wretched 
Iberians, insulted and wasted by this viper, this scorpion, 


293 




which they have been the instruments of setting over them ? 
Or rather, does any one doubt, that the triumphant insults 
of a tyrant over rising pretensions to liberty is not, to these 
her most jealous foes, a more grateful object than to see any 
people aspiring successfully to the rights of nature, or flou¬ 
rishing in the enjoyment of freedom and the possession of 
these rights, their greatest abhorrence and terror, and the 
object against which all their hostility is intended. Only 
consider the deplorable difference between the state in which 
they found the Albion Manor some 30 years ago, and that 
into which they so much congratulate themselves for having 
now brought it ! and hence judge of their sentiments and 
character. 

But of all objects which respect the Albion Manor, and 
indeed every people of Euporia, the most awful and threat¬ 
ening is, the innumerable hordes of bullies and bravos kept 
up under the auspices of the Confederate Pandemonium, 
for the sole purpose of imposing slavery and compulsive 
subjection ; for at preseut the despots are all at accord among 
themselves. And which hordes, the late transaction shows, 
are still to draw their maintenance from the already pillaged 
and impoverished Albion Manor, at the expence of the still 
to be gulled Bull Family. And besides the immediate perni¬ 
cious and detestable object for which these bravos are con¬ 
fessedly kept up, and the insupportable expence of main¬ 
taining them, the more remote effects and consequences must 
be ruinous and fatal to human freedom, and especially on the 
Albion Manor. Her brave and intrepid sons, whom the 
world cannot equal, so long sequestered in a foreign land, 
will become estranged from their country in affection and 
manners. And when they are required by her remorseless 
guardians to repress her freedom, and rivet her chains, it 
is to be feared they will too readily engage in any desperate 
measures to enforce implicit submission to a state of slavery. 


294 


Hence, in the present sitting of the Palaverium, the first, the 
great object, to which the whole Family without doors and 
every friend of it within ought to direct their efforts, must be 
the dispersion of these threatening hordes ; especially the im¬ 
mediate recal of the Bull proportion of them from the f rank- 
land Manor, and the diminution of their number at home. 
When no foreign quarrel or lawsuit is in hand the defensive 


bands, the natural and Constitutional safe-guard and pro¬ 
tectors of the Manor, are sufficient for all the ends of inter¬ 
nal peace and good order. 

To this object, on which the very existence of the Con¬ 
stitution depends, the whole strength of the Bull, Cale¬ 
donian and Erin Families ought to be unremittingly directed, 
strenuously exerted, and never abandoned, till the object is 
obtained : and whoever shall oppose this all-importing and 
absolutely necessary step ought to be branded as a traitor to 
his country, and pursued with universal execration and con¬ 
tempt. 

To those who can command 150,000 bravos, disciplined 
and trained to their trade, it may be very convenient for the 
ready command of money to have an obsequious Palaverium 
at their nod ; but they will care very little for talking peti¬ 
tioners and remonstrating meetings, surrounded by their 
myrmidons with the bayonet at their breast, and the sword 
at their throat. But let those talkers take care to confine 
themselves to talking : for no tyger was ever more eager for 
the blood of his prey than some of the sa ePtes of the 
Faction are for the blood of those unreasonably regular 
Reformists if they can find a specious pretence for touching 
it. And nothing can be more provoking than their peaceful 
orderly behaviour, their clear penetrating perspicacity, their 
sound sense, and strong and proper language, so superior 
in force and argument to the flimsy rhetoric and insidious 
sophistry of their own hireling, servile sycophants. 


295 


Let the Family persevere in this calm and orderly, but 
firm and decisive course, and they must succeed. Let them 
neither be irritated and provoked by the insolence of their 
opponents, nor soothed and cajoled by their affected candour 
and false and insidious professions, but pursue their object 
coolly, steadily, and determinedly, in defiance equally of the 
unblushing impudence of a C-n-g, and the unprincipled 
pertinacity of a C-l-h : and let all the real friends of the 
Family and Constitution remember that it is necessary to be 
cool and temperate not only in the manner of demanding 
and pursuing their rights, but also in the matter and extent to 
which they pursue them. The utmost extent of what may 
be even good and right is seldom to be obtained in any crisis 
of human affairs ; and even what may be obtained is seldom 
to be obtained all at once.—“ Rome was not built in a day.” 
Though the proverb be trite, it is peculiarly appropriate to 
the present subject. It is something to have begun. Could 
but one firm step be got; could but a Palaverium that was in 
any sense the choice and representative of the people on the 
Manor be obtained, could one be obtained that was not the 
very instrument and organ of the faction conjurated for their 
destruction and slavery, every thing beside might be hoped 
for as a clear and natural consequence from the wisdom and 
justice of a purified Palaverium. 

But if, as would indeed seem to be the determined design 
of the perfidious faction in whose hands affairs now are, the 
very mention of any reformation or amendment is to be 
scouted and spurned, if not a step is to be yielded, not a sin¬ 
gle abuse is to be abated, as their exulting satellites threaten 
and boast, the case is indeed desperate. There are but two 
events in which it can terminate,—settled despotism, or a 
disastrous revolution! 

The incorrigible obstinacy of the Albion Stewardical fac¬ 
tion is certainly a singular and astonishing phenomenon. 


296 


Heaven grant it may not prove an ominous and judicial one. 
For 50 years past the most glaring and palpable facts have 
shewn them to be as blind as moles, and as obstinate as mules. 
In the Columbian quarrel they were opposed, admonished, 
and warned, by some of the wisest and best statesmen that 
any country ever produced ; a Ch-th-m, a C-md-n, a Sh-lb-rn, 
but all in vain; even the irresistable eloquence of the 
' afterwards apostate B—ke was altogether lost upon them. 
Nor on the rise of those commotions, which, through their 
blind obstinacy, have reduced these Manors from the most 
thriving and prosperous state to their present deplorable and 
wretched condition, could the strongest remonstrances, the 
clearest reasoning, the most glaring and palpable facts, make 
the least impression upon them. Nor even now, when direct 
and irresistible fate is visibly rushing upon them, can the 
approach of fate itself arrest or turn their desperate course ; 
nor will they, it is to be feared, be checked or restrained till 
all-involving ruin overwhelm them, and sweep them with all 
their perfidious schemes from the earth. This rushing ruin 
can only be averted by the successful efforts of the folk on 
the Manor against the insidious designs of the Junto, and 
the obsequious Prostitution of Mrs. Bull’s Office. But to 
secure success to those efforts, beside the dismission of those 
hired bravos above mentioned, there is another object which 
must never be abandoned or lost sight of for a moment,—the 

purification of the Palaverium, the expulsion of Prostitution 

\ 

from Mrs. Bull’s Houshold. Without this the Albion Con¬ 
stitution is no more ! But this can only be fully accom¬ 
plished by degrees, and step by step. There are three things 
which, could they be obtained, every other essential requisite 
would naturally follow. These are—1st. The shortening or 
the sitting of the Palaverium.—2dly. The exclusion of all 
interference of the Steward’s Office or Agents with the folk 
in the choosing of their delegates to the Palaverium.— vdly. 




297 


The disqualifying every man who holds any place, office, 
pension, or appointment under or at the will of the Steward, 
for a seat or vote in the Lower Chamber of Mrs. Bull’s 
Office, a very few instances excepted for the sake of commu¬ 
nication. 1 his last fully obtained would be almost alone 
sufficient, it not for a perfect, at least for a salutary and pro¬ 
gressive reformation ; and would conciliate the general ac¬ 
quiescence and content of the folk on the Manor. The de¬ 
mands of the family and folk in general are so moderate, so 
just and reasonable, so much short of what they might in 
reason and by the principles of the Constitution demand, 
that nothing but tbe blind bias of self interest, and a determi¬ 
nation to sacrifice every thing to that, could induce any one 
possessed of common understanding and honesty to oppose 
them. And the abuses, perversions, and corruptions, of the 
Constitution, are so palpable, so glaring, and so shameful; 
and have proved so pernicious in their operation, and so 
ruinous in their effects, that nothing but the most abandoned 
depravity of character, the most entire privation of principle, 
the most perfect contempt of justice, honour, or honesty, 
could dare to support them, or even to offer an apology for 
them. 

As to shortening the sitting of the Palaverium, perhaps 
the old period of three years ought to satisfy : great and sud¬ 
den changes may be dangerous. The choosing must una¬ 
voidably be attended with some tumult and confusion, and 
take the people off in some measure from their daily voca¬ 
tions. And to have this occur every season the people 
would scarce have recovered from the hurry of one choosing 
when they would be preparing for another. Three years 
would give the folk time to recover, to settle into their 
proper habits, and to think against the return of a new 
electing. 

To what extent a vote in choosing should be granted 


298 


may admit of some difference of opinion. Certainly no close 
Corporations, or privileged bodies, ought to be privileged in 
this respect; as being a point on which the life, liberty, and 
property of every person on the Manor is concerned. Per¬ 
haps every one who pays direct contributions to the public 
expences, or contributions to a certain amount—perhaps every 
householder, or head of a family, ought to have a vote. Every 
person receiving parochial assistance, or living upon alms or 
common charity, ought certainly to be excluded from a vote: 
this would especially act as a spur to industry and independ¬ 
ence—the best spirit that can be excited in the poor and 
lower class of the people. This regulation would also tend 
to set aside a great number of the most exceptionable and 
dependent description of householders. 

That greater property should have greater weight and in¬ 
fluence in electing the disposers of property, is highly reason¬ 
able; and it will always infallibly be so. Nor need the 
enlarging of the elective franchise greatly alarm the liberal 
and opulent part of the aristocracy: their wealth and benefi¬ 
cence will always command a more than sufficient influence 
with their dependants; especially, every landholder will almost 
uniformly direct the vote of his tenants, and every tenant that 
of his labourers. But should anv have wealth and weight, 
without liberality and benificence to command the respect 
and complaisance of their dependants and neighbours, the 
less their influence the better. 

r l hese essential points attained, or in a sure and steady 
progress, every thing else would follow by degrees: no such 
work as that under consideration is to be accomplished by a 
stroke, or at once. The very attempt to do so might be 
attended with the most deplorable consecpiences : this would 
be John Bull pulling down his old mansion before he had 
provided another to put his head in. This is just what his 
neighbours the Franks did: and to this they owe most of the 


299 


misery and distraction they have since gone through, and their 
present debasement and subjugation to a foreign yoke. 

John Bull’s old mansion of Constitution Hall is, by the 
constant neglect, not to say the jealousy and ill-design of the 
Stewardical Junto, and the prostitute connivance of Mrs. 
Bull’s Household, no doubt, in a most decayed and ruinous 
state ; but still the foundation is sound, and the plan and 
structure superior to any that even these days of exquisite 
invention for manorial architecture has produced. 

Let there be, then, no pulling down, no touching of foun¬ 
dations, but a careful and determined reparation of all breaches 
and dilapidation; and the structure may stand for ages in all 
its pristine strength and splendour. Let the Family and folk 
on the Manor, the parties chiefly concerned, calmly and de¬ 
liberately, but decisively and firmly, determine, demand, and 
command reparation and reform—and in spite of opposition, 
resistance, repulse, insist and persist, and never abandon their 
object—and they must finally prevail ; there is no power that 
will or can resist them, if they are unanimous, firmly united, 
and true to themselves. 

Let the great maxim, which it has been the main object of 
these Memoirs to illustrate and enforce, never be abandoned 
or forgotten for a moment—that John Bull, his Family and 
Manor, do not belong to the Steward; but the Steward, his 
Office, and Agents, belong to John Buli, and are only ap¬ 
pendages to the regular order and economy of his Family and 
Manor: and the Palaverium itself are but his accredited 
delegates. 

The Palaverium has met; the flummery has been served 
up and returned; and the entertainment past in the usual 
surfeiting and nauseating style. And both Junto and Pala¬ 
verium seem as insensible either to their own situation or 
that of the Manor, as a herd of cattle grazing, rampant, in a 


300 


luxuriant pasture, while a torrent is rushing from the moun¬ 
tains which must sweep them all to the deep. 

Their principal attention has been officiously engaged by a 
singular outrage upon the Deputy Steward, in his way to and 
from the PaJaverium. An event which, however much to be 
reprobated, may, if they have wisdom to take warning—as an 
additional symptom what estimation both he and they stand 
in—prove not only an important, but a salutaiy admonition. 
But instead of resolving to check their own career, they seenl 
determined to find pretences again to clap the gag into John 
Bull's mouth, and the strait-waistcoat upon his body. 

Nor are they only insensible to their own danger and the 
boundless distress on the Manor—not only do they insult the 
cries of misery, and demands of redress, pouring in upon 
them from all quarters, but they exult and triumph in their 
assumed security, and usurped power. Especially that 
wretched caitiff C-n— g, whom we have already had occa¬ 
sion to mention as one of the most insatiable devourers of 
John Bull’s substance, is eager to exhibit himself in the front 
of this exulting corps. This impudent cur, growling in self- 
satisfaction over his bone, defies and threatens all approach, 
all pretence to touch at, or take it from him. This unblushing 
traitor to the Constitution openly declares in Mrs. Bull’s House¬ 
hold Office, that whenever John Bull shall dare to mention 
his wrongs, or to name his rights in that Office, or to hint at 
a reform or purifying of the Palaverium, he should be met 
with a direct and positive repulse, and be spurned and kicked 
out of doors with contempt. This he maintains is a subject 
which will bear no discussion; if it is once admitted, the 
hope of their gain is gone —cidum est tie nobis! says he— 
it is all over with us! 

W-lb-f-rce asserts, that Stewardical influence has greatly 
increased of late years.—C-n—g asserts, that Stewardical 
influence has been for years on the decrease. Even inde- 


301 


pendent of the notoriety of facts, which of these two will be 
held most worthy of credit? Why is such a character as this 
allowed to insult the whole Bull Family? Where is the 
Majesty of the Albion People? —a phrase of which 
a generous Frank * expressed his admiration, as conveying 
one of the noblest ideas which language could suggest. Why 
is not such a fellow punished as he deserves, or hissed and 
hooted out of the Manor. 

Adieu, honest, ill-fated, insulted John Bull! my indigna¬ 
tion swells, resentment bursts my heart, to see how thou art 
abused and pillaged, and thy substance devoured by the very 
professed and trusted guardians of thy wealth and freedom— 
and betrayed even to the contending to desperation for more 
than twenty years for thy own debasement and slavery, and 
that of mankind. And though he who thus deplores and 
resents thy wrongs, believes that thou wilt still arouse thee, 
and be thyself; yet, already past the destined age of man, he 
cannot hope to see the glorious and triumphant day! 

* Montesquieu’s Spirit of Laws. 


FINIS. 


Paris <£ Cowell, Printers, 

7, Took's Court, Chancery Lam, London. 



































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